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2020.10.06 00:18 500scnds Interactive webcam sex

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Questions Answers
How did you type all this? I can touch type. It's an essential skill.
the below is a reply to the above
Do you have some type of software that reads certain things out? I wasn’t trying to be rude so my apologies, just very curious/interested! Hats off to you. Sure, I use a screenreader. It's a piece of software that uses synthesised speech to read back what's on the screen. And I navigate using the keyboard rather than a mouse.
Thank you for doing this AMA! Its really fascinating and I'm learning a lot! I noticed in some of your comments you said you enjoy cooking. In my own experience, cooking and baking are extremely visual activities (for example, like knowing when a pancake is ready to be flipped, or properly cleaning and preparing a chicken, or when ground beef has been cooked completely). I would imagine that you use taste, touch, and smell, to guide you through some aspects of cooking. But even then, the information you could possibly get is still limited. What do you specifically look for as indicators to help you cook? I'm also interested in what dishes you find the easiest to make and what dishes you find the most difficult. All of that information you can get non-visually. You can tell ground bief is cooked by the texture when you touch it with a spoon. Other things by the smell. It's not more limited, it's just an alternative method.
I love experimenting with different things, I went through a phase of baking lots of bread. At the moment I'm into building complex salads and working on really healthy recipes. I cooked a meal for 60 people, that was pretty intense!
whose voice is reading my question to you? A very synthesised American voice.
Does colour mean anything to you ? Not really, it's an abstract concept.
Do you watch or should I say listen to porn? Nah, it just doesn't do anything for me.
As someone who plays video games and watch shows to kill time when I’m bored, I never thought about what a blind person would do to kill time when they’re bored other than listening to music. What do you do to pass time? Read, watch films and tv, mindlessly browse the internet. There are also audio games, and it's possible to play some regular games if you're blind, but I'm not really a gamer.
How has voice technology (like Siri or Google Assistant) changed the way you interact with things (if you use it at all)? If you have it: how has it made life better or worse? If you don't have it: why not? It's convenient because I can set a timer when cooking hands free! But also, something like an echo dot is designed to be used without vision, so I'm not actually having to deal with an accessibility barrier. I get exactly the same functionality from it that a sighted person does, and that is an important consideration.
how has the covid-19 pandemic affected you, as a blind person specifically/differently? Not so much now. At first my concern was in relation to grocery delivery services. I didn't want to go to the supermarket because many places were refusing to provide assistance, but also everyone was using delivery services, so slots weren't easily accessible for those of us who really needed them. It's calmed down quite a bit now though.
Another issue relates to accessible information. A lot of the stats are shown as images, with no explanation. Which means we're shut out from accessing what could be very crucial info.
Do you experience any visuals in your mind? For example, like when you dream? I don't. I've never been able to see so this is impossible for me.
Based on your life so far and what you have learned from others what is your favorite color? I don't have one. I usually say purple just because people demand an answer and it's easier to give them one.
Do you like puppies? I do.
What is it like to move around. Is it hard and do you feel out a room as you walk through it? It's not hard because I've always been blind so know how to navigate as a blind person. When outside I travel using a white cane, this is also true if I'm inside buildings like shops etc. But if I'm at my house or friends houses I just walk around and learn where things are.
What’s something people do/say that is ableist but not commonly acknowledged as such? How can sighted people be better allies to blind people? "You do so well for a blind person," has to be one of the most rude things people can say. Because what they're saying is that actually, they don't expect blind people to be doing very well at all, so the fact that I'm a moderately functional adult who doesn't get enough sleep, drinks too much coffee and is constantly stressed is a very very good thing. When I'm actually very typical for someone in their mid 20's.
Just treat blind people like people, and support us with fighting for accessibility and equal rights. That really is the best way to be an ally.
As someone how may go blind I always wondered if there was a fear of “the dark” or does it fade a bit? I'm not sure honestly. I've always been blind, so it's normal to me. I do know people who lost their vision who have really happy, secure lives.
Is sex more intense for you? And do you have sex with other blind people, if not how does it feel when you cant see the other person but he can see you naked? It honestly depends who I'm having sex with. I don't really worry if they can see me and I can't. I've had good and bad experiences, with both blind nad sighted people.
Do you listen to old radio plays? I had a period of time prior to a cataract surgery where my photosensitivity was so intense I mostly lived in total darkness, and these were my favourite forms of free entertainment. I am old enough that I listened to them on radio, although most were rebroadcasts. Also, do you usually wear any kind of sunglasses or such? If so, for your own benefit, or to make people feel more comfortable? I listened to a lot of plays in the early 2000s when I was a kid because only a fraction of books were published in braille. Audio books were expensive and also only a few books became audio. These days I listen to less of them because with things like Kindle I can read almost anything, but they were a wonderful and necessary part of my childhood that I am very thankful I was able to experience.
I have light perception so I wear sunglasses when it's really bright, but not for the comfort of others. I think if my eyes make people uncomfortable it's something they should address within themselves.
Is the halo effect a noticeable phenomenon for you as an arguably perfectly objective observer of sighted people? Have you ever been in a situation and just known that someone is physically attractive based on being inexplicably treated more favourably by others than could be reasonably expected? How do you feel about this in general? I think so. I definitely noticed this in school. My perception is that people gravitate towards someone who is deemed to be physically attractive, but I don't know if that is true.
Have you ever fired a firearm or played with a sword? I haven't. I considered going to a shooting range when I lived in the US but never did.
When browsing the web -- do ads really screw with your screen reader? Do you use an adblocker? They do, and yes I do.
If you could tell the world one thing what would it be? About blindness? Treat me like any other adult.
Not about blindness. Use your vote.
What's your favorite place to get a burrito? I live in England where burritos are sadly lacking, but now I really want one.
Would you consider trying psychedelics and reporting back your experiences? I've tried them before. Really weird, honestly. Mostly auditory but also some physical sensations.
Do you understand racism? Also what's your favorite song? By understand, I think it's wrong, but I understand it as a concept. RAcism isn't really about being able to see colour, it's associating a race with a positive or negative set of attributes. Blind people are just as capable of being racist.
In terms of songs I don't really have a favourite, I've been listening to I and love and you by the Avett Brothers a lot recently.
I was always wondering about this one. There are days when I "overlisten" to music or sounds get pounded and louder until I can't stand it and I need to shut it out. I would go several days without music or wear noise cancelling headphones to get myself disconnected. It sometimes happens with my vision, where it's just too much information and my brain needs a break. So I'm wondering what's it like in your case, if you've ever experienced something like that? Where there's too much sensory information and you need to shut it out but you need it to get around? And another extremely random one. I work and architecture and was trying to figure out how someone would go about designing a house while blind. Besides textures, how would you try and build a house for yourself if you could? That sounds like sensory processing disorder, which I have experienced aspects of yes.
I'm not sure, definitely lots of outside space and a big kitchen, but those are because of my love of being outside and also of cooking, more than blindness!
So this might sound weird, but my friends have a year old daughter who is blind. What kind of playing made you happiest as a kid? Climbing, playing football, running about. Just normal kid stuff.
the below has been split into three
So two questions: you mentioned that you travelled to a couple of countries. To us, travel is a very visual experience, what is it to you? How do you experience the travel experience itself? Travelling to me is experiencing all aspects of the culture. It doesn't have to be visual. You can meet people, go to a city, go to a park, go hiking. These are all part of it.
We see your inability to see as an impairment or disability out of our ignorance, what do you think seeing people lack? What is our disability? I think we have to be careful and not view something like a lack of understanding as a disability. I am blind, and blindness is my impairment. But I'm disabled because the world around me isn't accessible.
ok 3rd one, out of the countries you visited, which one of them you felt a bit more challenged than the other ones? In terms of the countries they all had positives and negatives. Colombia was definitely a new experience, but it was also my favourite place to live.
What is imagination for you? That's difficult to answer. If you mean how do I imagine, through my other senses. But as to what it is, I'm not sure. It seems to be an essential part of who we are as humans.
What do you see in today's society that you dislike? I'm not sure this is just a problem with today's society, but ignorance and denial regarding the reality of the world we live in.
My sons (age 10) are really good friends with a boy who has been blind since birth. My sons have gone to his house a few times and have had a lot of fun. I would like for him to come here, but it makes me nervous. I worry that he'll get bored or be uncomfortable. As a child, what were some of your favorite experiences with sighted friends and their family? Being welcomed in to everyday activities. My best experiences were with people who didn't worry, who let me run around and play, who let me climb and mess about with my friends. But who also set boundaries, who told me to be quiet or to stop running, like they would any other child. Basically the best thing you can do is welcome him and treat him like any other kid.
Will you have children of your own even if you have a 50% chance of passing on your genetic mutation? My mother in law is blind and she passed retinoblastoma on to all 4 of her children even though each birth was a 50% chance. They all were able to retain vision though 2 had to have an eye enucleated. Later in those same 2 passed away from associated secondary cancers in the 20s and 30s bc they received radiation to stop the tumours (inherited is bilateral). I am pregnant with a baby girl who inherited the genetic mutation and at 36 weeks will deliver so they can monitor and treat the tumours. Being induced early allows the critical growth stage of 36 to 42 weeks gestation to be monitored and treated. Prognosis is good and it's considered 97% treatable but I cant help feeling that I am doing a disservice by continuing the horrible legacy of retinoblastoma. And also I wonder how she would feel knowing if she wants to naturally have children she will have a 50% chance of passing the mutation on to offspring. I would. I will pass the LCA gene on to any child I have, but my partner would have to be a carrier for us to have a blind child. Even if my child is blind I'd know how to raise them. I could teach them to read, to travel, to do anything they wanted to. I understand it's more complex with something like RB, but I think you have to do whatever feels right for you.
Do you play any instruments? If so, which instrument(s)? I used to play the clarinet but haven't in years. I was never very good at music.
If there was an option for surgery that granted you sight, would you consider it? I wouldn't, it doesn't interest me.
What are some UI changes reddit could make to improve accessibility for the blind? What are some things other sites often do which make them difficult for you to read and navigate? Reddit is honestly a bit of a clusterfuck. It's accessible enough, but sometimes the focus of my screenreader jumps around. There also aren't many headings used, which is the primary way screenreaders navigate online content, so it's a pain to find the section of the page that you want. In terms of other sites a lack of alt text is a huge problem. We convey so much information through images, but if it isn't tagged correctly a blind person misses all of it.
What would be the best way to interact with a blind person? Like let's say you went inside a new building and people there knew you were blind would you be offended if they offered to help you find your way? Or tell you how many steps there are or watch out for things that may be in your way? Would that come off as overbearing? It's annoying when people constantly tell me, because it's actually distracting. If someone offers that's fine, so long as they listen when I say no.
Which genders are you attracted to? When did you realize you were attracted to them and what was it about them Both, though men more than women. I'm not sure, I guess I was a pre-teen and I started to have crushes on people.
i watched a video of a blind woman with her seeing eye dog and a hidden camera try to find her way around a mall that she'd never been to before. it was so funny to watch the employees point as if she could see or the dog could understand what was going on. there was, eventually, one woman who walked her to the perfumes/jewelry and entrance so that her dog would understand and so that she knew the amount of steps that it should take. do you have these experiences often where people are just, unintentionally, entirely unhelpful? All the time. You just get used to it. Also, we don't actually count steps, we may have good spacial awareness and can tell approximately how much distance we've travelled, but step counting is a bit of a myth.
[deleted] I do. If she's in the United States I really recommend that she reaches out to the National Federation of the Blind to find out about their training centers. The Colorado Center for the Blind made a huge difference to my life.
Why did the moderators remove this? u/mmm_toasty could you perchance let us know? Because I can't hold up a sign with my username...because obviously I can't write. Unless they want it in braille?
Maybe this is question is better suited to those who raised you, but do you know if there was anything atypical about your language development? I read a case study about a blind toddler’s unusual syntax once and found it really interesting. I'm very interested in this too. I had fairly advanced language development, which I know through speaking with my parents and reading school and medical reports. Many congenitally blind children do have atypical language development though.
What parenting tips would you suggest to someone who has a young child who is blind or losing sight? Have high expectations, don't expect less of them because they are blind. Expect them to do chores around the house, to work hard in school and to be polite. They can and should do these things.
I occasionally see the same blind man on the sidewalk navigating the DC metro and city streets. I believe he lives around my work. Sometimes he looks completely lost. I have on a few occasions guided him to the correct train or set of stairs. He just says thank you and continues on. Is there anything else I could do to help him or be a good samaritan to other blind folks in the city? Asking is honestly the best thing. Either the blind person will need assistance or they won't. It's worse to assume that someone does when they might not, so I feel that by asking you're already doing the right thing.
So I know I am very late to the AMA party here, but hopefully you still are able to answer this for me. I'm a police officer in the US in an area where we don't have a very large blind/deaf/etc community. What are some good things to know as a cop so that I can better interact with the blind? Especially, of course, victims who need to report crimes. But either witnesses who may have info or even perpetrators. I've read almost this entire thread and with some of your answers to other questions, I can only imagine how blind people may be treated by uninformed or wilfully ignorant officers. This is such an important question, thank you for asking. Firstly, the biggest thing is to view them as credible. Obviously a blind person is capable of lying, but they aren't automatically less credible just because they can't give you a visual account of what has happened. This is a particularly pervasive problem in cases that involve sexual assault.
Also, if you're approaching a blind person in the street because there's a situation, it's good to identify yourself as an officer. I have no way of knowing if the person is a random stranger, who I might brush off, or a police officer unless they tell you. Some blind people will want to be given your badge, to see if you have one, or take your ID number. Try not to be upset or angry, it isn't that we don't believe you, just again that we can't visually verify what you're saying.
This is an interesting AMA. Thanks for doing this. My question, If it was possible through new technology to give you vision, let's say through an implant that records wavelengths of light and transmits the information to your brain allowing you to see in perfect 20/20 vision. (I am not familiar with what caused your blindness, so let's assume we are able to bypass it) It's a completely safe surgery, but the implant is permanent. Would you do it? No, I wouldn't. My brain has adapted to my blindness, and I feel like getting vision would be really disruptive and uncomfortable.
As a parent it would cause me a lot of pain to think about my child being blind. Have you ever discussed how your parents felt with them? Yes, if it does upset them, they don't show it which is so, so important. I would have hated growing up, knowing my parents wished I was someone else.
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Becoming a parent comes with a range of emotions they don't warn us about and we can't prevent. Your parents would never wish you to be someone else, they world just want take away anything that might cause you pain. It is good to hear you had the support and love you needed. Absolutely, but you also owe it to your child to keep some of those feelings from them. It's really damaging to know that people around you would change a fundamental part of who you are. Absolutely a parent should seek support when they have these feelings, but it should never be made obvious to the child.
Are you religious? Has anyone prayed for you to see? If someone offered would you be open to it? If yes, do you think other blind people would? I'm not, if people are going to pray, I'd rather they pray I actually have a happy and meaningful life. I have no interest in seeing, some blind people do and that's totally their right.
When you masturbate what do you mentally picture? Depends. If I'm in a relationship at the time I'll often think about that person and things they've said or done.
Do you depend on someone else or did you figure out on how to do normal every day activities that people take for granted on your own? I can do pretty much anything alone. I can cook, clean, do my laundry, travel to and from work etc. The only thing I can't do is drive, so I'll take busses and trains or use Uber sometimes.
This could have already been asked, there's so much knowledge we all want to glean from you. Have you ever thought about or done a race, running, biking, swimming, or anything where you have a guide? There's some great races where you can feel the wind on your face and the sound of the trees around you. I guess it doesn't have to be a race. Just how much have you been able to feel the wind and the trees. Thank you for answering all of our questions. My respect on one, putting yourself out there and answering personal questions, and also being a complete boss on your answers. Sure, thanks for reading. I love more extreme sports, so I've been skydiving and paragliding for example. I'd love to do more things like that. I also really enjoy skiing and tandem cycling.
I hope I don't sound rude, but how do you (or blind people in general) know where to go especially in a big city? Is it difficult to find shops and run errands without getting lost? Bonus question: How do service dogs know where you want to go? Like if you wanted to go to a specific restaurant for example, how does a service dog aid in getting you there? I know by exploring, by asking questions, by learning about the layout of the city. And service dogs receive instruction from the handler. The dog doesn't actually know where it's going, it is the handlers job to give it commands like find left, or find right.
What do you enjoy about traveling? For me it’s the scenery. But also foods a big one. I imagine being blind, food would be the main reason. Also has anyone tried using sign language to communicate with you? I honestly worry about that misunderstanding alot Haha maybe they have but I just didn't see them. I have been asked if I know it though!
And the food, meeting people, visiting different places like museums and parks, the whole aspect of immersing yourself in another culture.
Is the experience of sight something you wish deeply you could do? Or does the fact that you’ve never experienced it make it seem very foreign and intimidating? It definitely feels overwhelming to the point where I wouldn't take a cure if it was offered to me.
While living in the US, did you find it a relatively accessible country or no? Also, I started watching your YouTube videos, and they’re great! Super informational. Makes me want to sign up as a volunteer for Be My Eyes :) Thank you, I'm so glad that you are enjoying them. If you have any video topic requests, feel free to leave a comment on one of my videos as I may not see it in this thread as it's so big.
It was fairly accessible, as with most places, the attitudes of others were the biggest barrier I faced. People not believing I could do something, rather than be actually not being able to do it.
Do you still have Isla the guide dog? If so, was she already trained? What signals do they give to let you know there is steps, a road? I don't. She retired last year, but she's living a very happy life with some friends of mine. She was trained when I got her, they are trained to stop at roads and steps.
This rivets me. My mom went blind on and off through her life. Glaucoma and surgeries. She only sometimes had sight in one because she lost the other to cataracts. Anyway. I was her eyes. I knew how to help her, somehow. Have you ever had a person you let be your eyes? To a point, sometimes I'll ask people for visual information. But I wouldn't want to create a relationship where it's expected, I think it can result in some uncomfortable power dynamics. I'd rather get that info from a paid service like Aira. This is just my personal preference.
How would you rate reddit's accessiblity? Kind of a pain, honestly.
Was learning Braille hard? Is Braille the same in other countries outside of the UK? It wasn't because I was very young, so it was just like a sighted child learning print.
This doesn't have an easy answer. Broadly it's the same. The letters A to Z are the same in all languages that use the Latin alphabet, much like they are in print.
However, most languages have what is known as contracted, or grade 2, braille. So one character might represent several letters. In English, we have such a character for er, or the, or wh. Because these are common letter combinations. Grade 2 in French will be different, as will grade 2 in German.
English speaking countries have also had some variation when it comes to more advanced presentation rules, and certainly braille mathematics. That is why in the early 2000s Unified English Braille was created. With increases in electronic braille production, it was viewed as important to create a unified code, so that electronic braille could easily be shared between English speaking countries, and so there wouldn't be these small variations.
You mentioned you love books. You also mentioned that books that are meant to be realistic, but have poor depictions of blind characters frustrate you. Have you read "All the Light We Cannot See" by Anthony Doerr, and if so, how did you feel about the depiction of the blind girl? I honestly thought it was a bit ridiculous, but not the worst I've read.
Have you ever tried to draw anything from your imagination and if so, what did you draw? Could you visualise the drawing after you drew it based on the shapes? I'm horrible at drawing. I've tried on paper where the lines then are raised, but I'm just not coordinated enough. I struggle to even draw a circle unless I can draw around something.
Are there any questions you get that you are tired of or are just like what the hell? Also what's a question that you never have been asked but want to answer? Honestly how I use a computer. It's exhausting that most people still don't know this.
And not really, I do find the deeper, more thoughtful questions interesting though.
Are heights or flying scary at all to you? I actually don't like heights, so I've done things like skydiving and paragliding because I need to get over myself.
Do you make facial expressions? If you do, does that mean a smile when we’re happy is built into us. I do. I can't tell you how I know them, I just do.
Do you think you compare yourself to people less than those of us who are sighted? So much of the standard women hold themselves to seems visual to me. Weight, beauty, aging, fashion... I imagine you not to be bombarded with these standards, advertisements, social media visuals. Do you feel less pressure on these things than you imagine we do? I still feel a huge amount of pressure, compounded by not being able to compare myself. I have to ask people about my own appearance, which then makes me worry that they aren't completely truthful. Even if they are, it's their perception. I'll never have my own true perception of myself, because it's always filtered through information I'm given by others.
Is there an equivalent of line graphs and charts that blind people can use? For example did you understand the concept of exponential growth at the start of the Covid-19 crisis? You can plot these using tactile graph papers. There are audio graphs, which can give an overview of the information.
Do you own a printer, 2d or 3d. Can you read print text if its embossed? I can sort of read print if it's embossed, but often I forget the shapes of the letters and have to be reminded. I don't currently own a printer, I usually go to a library if I need a document printing.
i glanced over a couple of your youtube videos, and i noticed your eyeballs sort of wobble back and forth as if you're reading text with your eyes. is that a part of your genetic disorder? or are you doing that consciously, if so why? It's known as nystagmus. It can exist as a condition on its own, but often it goes hand in hand with other eye diseases, particularly forms of congenital blindness. Essentially I have no control over the muscles in my eyes so these are involuntary movements.
To piggyback off the person asking about software accessibility - do you ever spend time with software on a non-personal device - like a public kiosk? Are you able to use the product if there is no headphone jack? If it has audio output yes. But I would only use something like an ATM if it had a headphone jack so that I could access the information in a confidential manner.
What software do you use, especially for email? My mother is blind, stubborn, and cantankerous, always has been even before blindness. She uses an ancient version of JAWS and refuses to update, and I'd love to know what options are out there. Jaws is good but she'd be better off using the latest version with win10. I use NVDA because it's free, and VoiceOver on my iPhone.
Are you often browsing on reddit? And if so, what subreddits do you visit? (You don't have to list any of them if they are too private) Dogs, blind and the not the onion are some of my favourites. Also just browsing random things. Reddit is kind of a pain in terms of accessibility, so I honestly go elsewhere for chat, which is a shame because I like the people here.
I'm actually curious about how Blind People can use computers and how you can read our questions. I'm guessing a special machine is involved, but how does it work ? I use a screenreader, a piece of software that uses synthesised speech to read out what's on the screen. I also touch type and navigate using a keyboard instead of the mouse.
Have you ever thought deeply that being blind was going to affect all your life and had a breakdown or were really depressed? There have been times. Mostly when a certain aspect of my life isn't going well, so it's easy to attribute it all to blindness. When really there are usually many factors at play.
Have you ever tried the app “be my eyes”? It is an interesting app I found for helping with tasks. I thought it would be great to help out a blind or visually impaired person. I’ve only connected with someone once but I’d love to help more. I have tried it, it can be really useful in certain situations.
How was your experience in Colombia? For how long did you live there? I loved it, I lived there for a year and it was the best year of my life. I loved everything about Colombian culture and the friends I made there. Also, is your username because of In the Heights, or just a coincidence?
Do you ever feel self conscious about what you look like to others? I do, I'm still under the same pressure other people are to look a certain way. I also feel more pressure because if I don't look good, maybe people will attribute that to my blindness and just assume I don't know how.
What are some things that you have done that a person who isn't blind, thinks that a blind person wouldn't/couldn't/shouldn't do? Honestly most things, because people have such low expectations of blind people. Travel, get a job, move away from home, just have a normal adult life.
Looks like the mods want proof. How do you plan to do this blind? I'm not sure how to submit proof to them? I have all my documentation if they want it!
Do you ever listen to audiobooks? If so, what’s your favourite? I do, maybe the His Dark Materials trilogy. I love so many books though.
How do audiobooks and films (with audio description) compare to each other, is there one your prefer? I prefer books but I think that's personality, more than blindness. My sighted sister also prefers books to tv. We both grew up reading a lot as children.
How do you perceive colours when you haven't seen them? When someone says "I have a red car", what do you imagine? I don't, I just accept it as a fact and file it away.
Do you get motion sickness? On a roller coaster, a car, a boat or a plane? Or any other way of travel? I don't personally.
Is there anything that we (i.e. the general public) can do to make things easier for you when out and about, without being patronising? I know you are certainly neither stupid nor incapable, but just wondering what I can do to be more considerate perhaps. Mostly just asking rather than assuming someone needs help, then listening to the answer that is given. Being grabbed is the worst.
Hi, I am the father of a 5-month old who was also just diagnosed with LCA. What are some of the things that you wish your parents would have done differently as they were raising you? Edit: also, I understand that someone with LCA has that uncontrollable urge to press/rub their eyeballs, which my baby is doing every 10 seconds, why is that so and how best to stop it? Hi, it's so great to meet other LCA families. I really wish they'd encouraged me to use a cane far more than they did. Developing those skills at a young age is really critical and makes for a much easier transition into adult life. If you'd like to reach out feel free to do so, I've included a lot of links in my original post and I'm happy to answer more questions, but as this thread is huge I might miss them here.
Hi CatchTheseWords, Hope your day finds you well. Do you find or have others commented your senses are better than the sighted? For instance do you find people can’t hear things when you can? And if so...ever considered being a super hero? Cheers! I'd love to say it was as easy as just deciding to be a superhero! My other senses aren't any better, I just pay attention to them more.
When you were younger, did other children ever bully you for being blind or take advantage of your blindness to bully you more easily? This happened mostly when I was in primary school.
It's great that you are self-reliant. But I cannot resist assuming there have been people in your life who must have given you the maximum amount of information about the world around you that couldn't have perceived unless you saw it yourself or unless somebody explained it to you. Who are these people and how did they help you understand the world? Honestly mostly it was books. I learnt a lot about body language, or how things look, by reading about them. I'm also very lucky to have lots of people in my life who will answer questions if I ask them. My parents for example have always been very open with information.
And my orientation and mobility teachers who taught me to use a cane, and who encouraged me to explore my environment.
How's the quality on audio description for visual media? Do you feel you're getting a good representation of what's happening on screen? Overall I feel the quality is high, and I usually get the information I need. Having said that, I've no way of knowing if details are left out, because I wouldn't know they were there unless someone told me.
I am a developer who create apps for use. How is modern technology assisting with additional needs for you? Is there additional improvements you see that could help bring internet within your reach easier? Really complying with existing accessibility guidelines is the biggest thing, and conducting accessibility testing. Technology can remove so many barriers, but if it isn't designed to function with assistive technology it can create barriers as well.
What comes to mind when you think of racism? White conservative assholes.
If I’m going through a door and I see a blind person approaching do I hold the door for them? Do I say “I got the door.”? Definitely say you have it, otherwise we're likely to put our hand out for it and find it's not there. It's totally fine to hold the door, equally, if you're in a rush don't feel guilty for not holding it.
i've seen some blind people click their tongues or their fingers to sort of echo locate. kind of like daredevil. i've seen blind people navigate without a cane. can you do that and if so to what extent? Navigation without a cane, unless in an environment like someone's house, is really dangerous. It's not a mark of success or achievement to do that, because with echo location you can still miss a hole in the ground and fall in it.
But yeah, I can echo locate, though mostly I do it passively. So for example by tapping my cane I can use that echo to gain certain information about my environment.
Do you drink alcohol? What is your experience like when/if you have? I do. Usually just the usual embarrassment most people experience.
Who was your best teacher? There were so so many. Honestly I was lucky to have wonderful teachers who all taught me so many things, not just about their particular subject, but life in general.
What software and browser-extensions are you using right now to do this AMA? What is your favorite piece of tech. Firefox, and NVDA is the screenreader. I just use a regular PC and iPhone.
How do you want new people, such as a coworker to ask about your blindness? Just be really open about it. I'd rather someone was direct than was clearly uncomfortable and didn't want to ask. Equally, remember that the person is more than just their blindness, so don't centre it in every conversation.
What does the Cosmos mean to you? Like how do you imagine the Cosmos outside of our own planet? Ask the stars, galaxies and stuff? Do these interest you? It's very, very interesting to me. My greatest disappointment is knowing that I will probably never travel into space and experience it for myself.
Being a sighted person, I sometimes think that sight is too easy to rely on at the expense of other senses. It is so easy to get wrapped up in thoughts and overly rely on sight to function, in a lazy way. Sometimes it's difficult to live in the present moment. When I was 25 a friend would say that I was missing out on life, that I should stop and smell the roses more. I wonder if you struggle with living in the moment? I do. I'm so concerned with my goals I often forget that there is a here and now. I think this is the down side to being so driven.
How are you going to know what I've asked in this question? The same way I wrote my original post.....
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And how is that? Also, what do you think upvote buttons look like? Through a combination of a screenreader, a piece of software that allows blind people to access the computer through synthesised speech output of content on the screen, and touch typing. And I'm not sure, maybe a thumbs up?
When is your favorite language and/or accents? Also, would you mind sharing an embarrassing story? This is my favorite AMA ever. Thank you for doing this! I learnt Spanish, and I really love Latin-American Spanish.
Hmm, honestly my life is a constant string of embarrassing moments, some blind related, some not. I still feel shame when I remember calling a primary school teacher of mine Grandma when I was like 5. I...don't know why. It just happened in the moment. Not like I actually thought she was my grandma.
Could you briefly let us know what it takes for you to record videos and post them to your YouTube channel? At the moment I'm using a USB webcam to record my videos. I'd have to write a long post, or make a video to really show the process. There are lots of small things I have to do.
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Note: Some answers were repetitive, but were not edited out.
Questions Answers
Have you ever gotten into legal trouble by exploring the dark places of the internet? Like, "sorry, officer, I was only surfing drug markets and child molester forums for my next journalism piece..." Do you worry about that? Do you have to take extra steps to protect yourself? I'm very careful not to go anywhere that it is illegal to visit. You will hear loads of stories about how easy it is to "stumble upon" child porn, but the fact is that those sites usually have names like "Preteen cuties" so you know exactly what they are, and in order to access them you have to register. So you have to make a very deliberate choice to log into them. I have no interest whatsoever in viewing any child abuse material, so I don't go into those places. When I was researching The Darkest Web, I went to the discussion forums that didn't allow any images (though they did link to sites that did), and even there I turned off images.
As for the drugs, weapons etc, there is nothing illegal about surfing them and looking around.
I do get a bit nervous every time I visit the US, especially when I was invited to a "friendly" lunch with Homeland Security once (it was reasonably friendly as it turns out, it was also terrifying)
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Why did homeland security want to talk to you? They said it was about the murder-for-hire stuff, but some of the questions leaned toward something else
Is there anything that really concerns you about the dark web? Some of the things already discussed are beyond barbaric and that is only the stuff that has been found out about and been picked up by the media and your fantastic work. Do you think the public should expect worse and more horrific revelations from the dark web or is it just "more of the same" for lack of a better term and do you think the authorities are getting better in shutting this inhumanity down and catching the people responsible? I am definitely not against people taking back their online privacy and I actually think that buying drugs from the darknet markets is a safer and more sensible option than buying them from the dodgy dealer down the road. However the one thing that is really disturbing is that the dark web has provided a place for child predators to find each other and form communities where they support and egg each other on. Imagine a few years ago, someone who was into hurtcore could never tell anyone else and would be unlikely to ever come across another person with the same perversions. Now it is as simple as finding the relevant site on the dark web. When there are suddenly hundreds of people who all think and act in the same way, it normlalizes what they are doing.
One of the guys who got caught, Matthew Falder, was a sadist who used to crowdsource "ideas" for torturing the children and teens he was blackmailing into doing heinous things for him online. But apparently he was a "normal" intelligent popular guy
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But how does everyone participate in those illegal sites without getting caught? You said in other comments that you tried to stay away from underaged sites because they were illegal. Can't they be tracked down, even with tor and a vpn? The thing that I don't understand is that even on the dark web people say you should stay away from illegal sites, but how are pedos not getting caught? they are getting caught, but the way they are getting caught is through painstaking detective work, looking for clues in photos, befriending them online and getting them to reveal things about themselves (what is known as social engineering). It takes a long time and many resources.
I say don't go there because (a) it is illegal and (b) you really shouldn't want to go there
Iirc you attended the trial of the person behind the horrific hurt core website that was exposed a few years back. I was wondering if there was anything in particular that happened during the trial that particularly shocked or horrified you that isn't really public knowledge or talked about? Reactions from the judge or perpetrator during the trial etc. As I remember it the guy was a fairly young loner who lived with his parents but would probably never have been expected to be behind the horrific vile things which he was found to be. Also, how did you get into investigative journalism/writing? I wrote in one of the other replies above about the little mute girl that has stayed with me. Also, at the insistence of the prosecution, the judge had to watch "Daisy's Destruction" which was a video of torture of a toddler. He put it off for two days and when he came back he was white. He didn't have the sound on, which is considered the worst part, but he still looked shell-shocked. I don't envy him.
I'll cut'n'paste re your last question: I was in London, working for one of the most conservative law firms in the world when the Global Financial Crisis hit. I liked the job but it struck me when people were losing their livelihoods that I was working for the bad guys. I'd always wanted to be a writer so when I came back to Australia I quit law and enrolled in a writing course planning to be a novelist, but I discovered I was better at journalism. I first wrote for newspapers here about Silk Road and it grew from there
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Thanks for the reply.. that really must've been horrific for all involved from investigation to trial and for all of the victims (apart from the scum responsible of course). I guess it would be naive to assume that the end of this site did anything other than drive this depraved community even further underground. That is the part which is really scary to me but I suppose all we can do is have faith that the authorities are always close on the tail. Thank you for your work on reporting on this and raising this stuff more into the public consciousness and making people more aware of what kind of evil still lurks. It was the most disturbing two days of my life, made all the worse because they read out hours of interactions from the site where the children still had not been identified or the predators caught.
Hurt2theCore was not the last site of its kind and there are still hurtcore sites to this day on the dark web. The one hopeful thing is that there are international task forces that seem to work together really well (unlike when it comes to drugs and every law enforcement agency wants to take the lead and they all withhold info from each other). There are a lot of resources allocated to identifying predators and their victims. Sometimes this has involved some very controversial tactics, such as taking over the sites and letting them run, so that they can use social engineering techniques to identify those who are using the sites and who are actually abusing children
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So daisy's destruction is real? Was it referred to by that name court? I always thought it was a myth Yes, Daisy's Destruction is real, it was referred to by name in court and the judge had to watch the 12 minutes of it that were hosted on Hurt2theCore.
The "myth" part is that it shows a murder. The toddler, Daisy, lived, though she suffered such horrific injuries she will never be able to bear children. Hopefully she was young enough that she will grow up without the memory.
However, Scully did murder at least one child, whose body was found under the floorboards of his house. it is not known whether he filmed her murder as no video evidence of it has come to light.
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Thanks for answering. I actually watched a really good video on Hurt2theCore on youtube once, I think it was by a guy called Nexpo. It was really detailed and informative about the whole case - I forgot those details. Thanks again for replying, this AMA is really informative! I think I recall that one, it was from a few years ago.
An excellent podcast that came out recently is "Hunting Warhead", highly recommend a listen. It is a tough listen, but exceptionally well-told and respectfully handled
How do you detach yourself from your work? I'm an investigator for a law firm and I've had a lot of difficult working on wrongful death cases recently. Also, how did you first end up getting published? Any tips for people interested in that field? Thanks! I don't detach. When I was researching hurtcore, it was harrowing and affected me deeply. Writing that part of the book was a very slow process because I just couldn't be in that headspace for very long at a time. Once the book was written I didn't go back there.
I already had a reputation as a blogger and a freelance journalist when i pitched my book on Silk Road. I got an agent and it was auctioned off, with Pan MacMillan getting the rights. At the time, Silk Road was still going strong, and the book I wrote was about this new frontier of drug dealing that was changing the world. I was writing it "from the inside" as I had been an active part of the community for two years. However, right as I submitted the final manuscript to my publisher, Silk Road was busted and Ross Ulbricht arrested, so i had to quickly change the narrative to a "Rise and Fall" thing!
How many times have you approached law enforcement with information and how many times has the approach resulted in action? and... are there times where you know something nefarious is happening but history and the evidence at hand tells you it's not worth the effort? There is no point in approaching law enforcement to say "I have come across this site". If I've found it, you can guarantee law enforcement has found it as well.
The only time I've approached law enforcement was when I had information that they did not, which was when a friendly hacker provided me with a back door into the Besa Mafia murder-for-hire site. I got to see all the messages and orders etc. Of course LE knew about the site, but they did not have the details of the people who had hits taken out on them. We tried desperately to tell police in several countries that real people had paid real money to have other real people killed, but they just weren't interested. We sounded like crazy people talking about dark web hitmen, who were scams anyway and nobody was dead, so why should they be interested? They became much more engaged when one of the people WE HAD PREVIOUSLY TOLD THEM ABOUT later turned up dead
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By law enforcement, do you mean only local or else the big agencies? I feel like I wouldn't tell my local police department because they wouldn't really know what to do. It would have to the the bigger agencies. FBI in US. NCA in UK. AFP in Australia. Nobody was very interested, although the FBI did visit at least one of the targets to let her know she was a target. She still wound up dead
What are some of the most prevalent uses of the dark web that AREN'T all shady and nefarious? We might be getting into semantics here, but people use Tor, which is the most possible darknet that is used to access the dark web, just for private browsing and ensuring that commercial interests aren't following them everywhere to bombard them with ads for some thing they looked up.
Some of the news organizations have a dark web presence so that whistleblowers can upload information safely. Even the CIA has a site on the dark web so that people can anonymously tip off matters of national security.
Other than that, there are just forums, where you don't have to worry that every single stupid thing you post will be saved in posterity forever, to be trotted out years later when you run for congress or something
After everything you've seen, does anything surprise you anymore or are you just numb to it at this point? Do you think there should be more education/exposure about the dark web than there is now or would that just be counter-productive as people would just find another place to hide? I'm curious to hear any favourite stories about the Psychonauts. I am not numb and I hope I never become numb. I really don't visit the horrible dark places very often, unless I'm researching something specific, and even then I don't look at pictures or videos. Most of the crime is pretty benign - I'm not fazed by people wanting a safer way to buy drugs.
I think there needs to be ongoing discussions about online activity and its misuse in general, but most crime still happens on the clearnet. The dark web is not nearly as large or prevalent as people fear.
For a long time, a dealer provided free LSD to anyone who wanted it for personal use (ie not sale) and to any organizations who were doing psychedelic therapy.
One psychonaut got busted and spent time in prison... only he still had bitcoin in a wallet and by the time he was released he was a millionaire. He would have just spent it on drugs otherwise :)
I know law enforcement has to delve into the predator side of the dark web. With what you've seen do you think it should be mandatory or an industry standard that law enforcement officials seek professional help? I couldn't imagine investigating that daily and not thinking less of humanity at some point. I'm pretty sure they do. I worked for Legal Aid for a while, and i know there were pretty strict rules in place for the lawyers who had to defend child abusers.
When I was at the trial for Lux, owner of Hurt2theCore, I met a cop whose job it was to watch all the videos and befriend the predators in an attempt to get them to slip up and reveal something of themselves. She said she had a little filing cabinet in her brain where she put all that stuff, and that making an arrest made it all worthwhile. She had made several arrests personally. She was a sex offender's worst nightmare :)
What’s one of your personal favorite investigations and what made it unique for you? By far the Besa Mafia murder-for-hire case. What made it unique was that, first, I was provided a back door into the Besa Mafia site by a friendly hacker, so i had information that nobody else had. But then I became "friends" for want of a better word with the owner of the site, Yura. Besa Mafia, of course, was not killing anyone, but Yura made a LOT of money scamming would-be murderers out of their money. We entered into a weird relationship over the years where i would report on his activities and he would try every trick under the sun to stop me from doing so, so that he could keep scamming people. He even offered me a job, helping him, because he had become so busy. He also provided me with names and details of people who had hits taken out on them so I could pass them on to law enforcement.
It all became horribly real when one of the people who had a hit put out of them wound up dead. It wasn't Yura of course, but the guy had paid him $13K before giving up on the site and doing it himself. The thing was WE HAD TOLD THE FBI about the hit and the $13K and they visited the victim, but then put it into the too-hard basket when she couldn't think who might have paid that much to kill her.
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Wow. That’s actually pretty cool. Reminds me of an old saying. “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.” It's a seriously bizarre relationship. When I was hired as a consultant by CBS for a 48 Hours expose on dark web hitmen, he actually agreed to meet me in London. But he thought that CBS was going to advertise his site as the real deal and he got excited and sent them details of two people who had hits put out on them. CBS sent them straight to the police and very shortly after two arrests were made and it was all over the news, where they called his site a scam. Yura got so pissed about it, he never turned up to our meeting. They had even hired an Academy Award-nominated master of disguise makeup artist to disguise him!
are "red rooms" actually a prevalent thing, or just a widespread misconception or rumor? I ask in part because it's very easy to see, for instance, Mexican cartels dismembering people alive, etc, just on the clearnet. Hell, a couple days ago I saw a video posted of a cartel member cutting out a dude's heart while the guy was alive, and he ATE it. He fucking ATE it. So it seems plausible... The most popular myth of all is Red Rooms, where people – usually women – are tortured to death live on camera while those who have paid to watch type in torture commands in a chat box. Think the movie Hostel, with webcams. In this sense these have never been proven to exist. I get where you are coming from with the cartels, and the recent news item where they found those shipping containers set up with torture rooms freaked me out and made me wonder!
There is some truth to this rumour, but the execution is not like you see in the movies. Most notably, because it involves children, not adults abused on demand for paying pedophiles, but not to the point of death
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The news about those shipping containers really made me speculate, since for every one person who gets caught doing something evil, there must be at least several more people who are very honed in their 'profession' doing the same evil deeds and worse, yet who evade being captured for decades. Anyway, based on morbid things I've seen, karma comes around eventually... I know, right? It really freaked me out, and then when I read that they already had intended victims for them but the police got to them first and put them in protected custody.. IMAGINE SEEING THOSE PICTURES AND KNOWING YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THEM!! I would retire to a deserted island somewhere
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Your line of work could easily result in something like C-PTSD down the road a little ways. I have a morbid curiosity, and have seen worse than those shipping containers had to offer. I'm sure you have as well. So one more question from you, if you don't mind: what are some proactive approaches to mental health you take to safeguard your sanity? A lot of wine. Cuddle my dog
Hi, there! This has been fascinating to read; thank you so much for sharing! I'm curious: why do you think so many people who don't want to engage with disgusting and illegal content like hurtcore find it so interesting to read about? Do you have any insight into your readership and the ethics associated with reading about these kind of topics? I think morbid fascination with the dark is exceedingly common - just look at how many people can't get enough about serial killers! In some ways it is probably a self-defense mechanism - the vast majority of true-crime readers are women. People like to be armed with knowledge. We also like to be spooked and scared.
As for my books, I don't really go into much gory detail, but the horror still shines through
Out of all 9-5 jobs out there, why this? What’s your motive? I got disenchanted by being a lawyer and I had wanted to be an author since childhood. The lawyering put me in a strong enough financial position that I could quit to do a uni course for a couple of years. My plan was to become a best-selling novelist, but my first chick-lit novel was nothing special. However, during the course, I found I did really well at journalism and was soon making a living as a freelance journo before I finished the course. My first major feature was on the Silk Road drugs market, which I had discovered thanks to a friend who was using it. Once I got in there I became fascinated by everything about it and started contacting the owner, users, vendors etc asking for stories (I was upfront about who I was). I began the first serious dark web blog - - and also became the go-to freelancer for Australian dark web stories. Then I pitched my first book and got a healthy advance for it.
I like working for myself, working from home and delving into things. Right now I have my dream job (though it wouldn't hurt to pay a bit more. I'm certainly not making anywhere near what I used to make lawyering, but I make enough to get by and I live pretty simply)
Did you ever do any writing on Brian Farrell and his role in Silk Road 2.0? I was Brian's cellmate for all of 2017 at Sheridan Federal Prison and heard all of his crazy stories. Was just curious as to the validity of them all. DoctorClu! I did write briefly about him in Silk Road, but it wasn't all positive. I remember being frustrated by the shitshow that was Silk Road 2.0 in the beginning, right after SR1 shut and when DPR2 took off and Defcon got all dramatic. It settled down after a bit and lasted a year, when it was revealed THEY HAD A FUCKING UNDERCOVER HOMELAND SECURITY OFFICER ON STAFF THE WHOLE TIME. But yeah, anyhow, they are probably true. I'd love to hear them :)
Was there ever something on the dark web that made you surprised ( in a good way) and smile ? So many things. Back in the day of the original Silk Road, I became obsessed with the forums, the people behind it, the intelligent discourse about the War on Drugs and philosophy. I found it amusing that drug dealers ran sales and giveaways. There were book clubs and movie clubs.
One of the most important people from that era was Dr Fernando Cauevilla, who became a member of Silk Road as "DoctorX". He was a real doctor who provided genuine, free, non-judgmental advice about drug use to the members of the site. It was quite an amazing time.
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Did Ulbricht get taken down the way we were told in the news? What happened to all the Bitcoins? His arrest went down the way we were told in the news. How they located the server has never been disclosed (other than a fanciful explanation that NOBODY could believe). This explanation may be tested if Variety Jones runs a Fourth Amendment argument at his trial
The bitcoin in the wallet on Ross' computer was auctioned off by the Feds. He may have other bitcoin wallets stashed somewhere but nobody knows
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Book/movie clubs on the silk road? Yeah, they would set reading and then everyone would come back and discuss the book, or they would have a time when everyone watched the same movie at the same time and chatted about it in real time
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Haha that's amazing! I don't suppose you remember any of the books in question? They used to be a lot of philosophy books, especially on agorism. A Lodging of Wayfaring Men was one of the books. I remember V for Vendetta on a movie night
You don't seem to be pushing your most recent project and you're actually answering all the questions people ask, so I've got ask...are you some sort of government plant meant to destabilize reddit? This isn't how AMAs are supposed to work. You come in, you half ass a few questions, hawk whatever you're here to hawk, and then leave after 20 minutes. That's how it's done. lol I'm a genuine redditor from way back, and I love talking about the stuff I do. I did find that after I answered a question in an AskReddit thread a while back that blew up, the sales followed. But that was organic and I don't think you can force it to happen - Reddit can spot that a mile awy
What are some of the best things about the dark web? And can anyone get on it? Things you can buy that you can’t buy normally online? I really enjoy some of the forums, especially the psychonaut forums where people who like to trip on psychedelics get together and talk drugs and philosophy. There's a real "be kind to one another" vibe.
Getting on the dark web is easy, but not getting scammed when buying things takes a lot of homework. Yes, you can buy most things, but the most popular things are drugs and digital goods, i.e. things that depend on repeat custom and are easily transferable from seller to buyer
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[deleted] You're doing the Good Work my man. I'd give you one of those awards if i knew how
What would you define the word "Safe" when it come to the internet (both www and dark web) world and are there any tips that I should follow to keep myself safe? It really depends on what YOU mean by safe. Tor, which is the darknet that provides access to the dark web will keep you safe from prying eyes and surveillance.
If you mean keep your information safe, the old-fashioned advice is to never reuse your password and to enable 2-Factor authentication wherever you can. Your information is quite likely somewhere on the dark web thanks to high-profile hacks of major organizations, but provided you don't re-use usernames and passwords, you really don't have to worry too much about it.
If you mean keeping yourself and/or any kid safe from predators, the only thing is to ensure you are educated about the approaches and methods they use.
Has Covid affected the Dark Web in any real way? Also I just read through all of the post comments, what incredible story’s. I would totally buy a book about the Silk Road or Yaru! re covid on the dark web, here's some notes I made for an interview I did recently:
* when Trump first hyped hydroxychloroquine as a potential miracle cure for COVID-19, drug dealers on the dark web seized on the claim.
* Listings quickly popped up on the most popular darknet markets
* A vendor on Whitehouse Market sells 100 Pills for $90, calling it a “Miracle Drug For Coronavirus” and suggesting buyers purchase in bulk to sell at a mark-up locally.
* Another makes the dubious claim “This drug will help people to beat Corona Virus” There are 11 listings on Empire Market currently, although more than half are from the one seller, who is a well-known and trusted vendor on the site.
* There were also people claiming to be selling infected blood or plasma of recovered COVID victims
* The infected blood stuff is just bullshit IMO Just because something is listed doesn’t mean it is genuinely for sale
* There's been some claims to be selling vaccines
* At the beginning there were also loads of listings for PPE
* some just used it as a marketing tactic - “fight off the virus with edible cannabis” or “relax with Xanax” and others as an excuse to raise their prices
* However, sales are low compared to sales of other drugs on the site, so it is difficult to say whether it’s something that will really catch on
* It didn’t take long for complaints to come in and market owners to clamp down on anything claiming to be a miracle cure or vaccine
* users were discouraging other users from profiting off the pandemic and requested markets provide health and safety information
* All the major markets forbid anything being sold as a cure for COVID. They flagged keywords and vendors would be told to take any listings down. They also put out PSAs telling people not to buy
* Monopoly: threatened to ban and.. “You are about to ingest drugs from a stranger on the internet - under no circumstances should you trust any vendor that is using COVID-19 as a marketing tool to peddle already questionable goods”
* It was a business decision. They don’t want anything that will attract attention or that might cause desperate people who wouldn’t normally use the DNMs to find their way there
* The idea behind DNMs generally is educated and responsible drug use. They really don’t want people dying - bad publicity and no repeat custom
* However the dark web is rife with scammers and people willing to prey on the desperate so there are still scams out there
* The only way I could ever see it becoming a thing is if there is a well-known potential cure/vaccine that is not being made widely available and could plausibly find its way onto the black market
Hi Eileen :) My question is about how you construct your Casefile episodes - I assume there is an extensive amount of outlining but do you write the final draft like a script specifically thinking about his voice? And about how long are they as far as - for example - does one hour equal 50-60 pages? Thank you. I initially write them as if I'm writing an article or book, but then go back and edit them to be read out and yes, when I do that, I do have his voice in my head lol. One episode is usually around 12,000 words. It then goes to another editor who edits the episode to be even more "casefileaa' before it finally goes to Casey
Have you been exposed to things in your investigations that have made you second-guess what you do? If so, what has made you keep going back? i've definitely had days where I question everything, but to be honest, I don't really hang around the horrible really dark places much. I did delve into the child predator forums when I was writing The Darkest Web, but I don't make it a habit to go there. The psychonauts are much more friendly
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To continue with that- have you clicked images, links that make you a suspect in certain scenarios? Oh absolutely. Sometimes I go to a "Fresh Onion" site, which is a site that crawls all the .onion addresses (dark web URLs end in .onion rather than .com, org etc) and alerts you to any new ones. Sometimes they don't have any description, so you take a big risk clicking on any of those. The most dangerous button on the dark web is the "Random Onion" button, so I avoid that.
I'm pretty careful about what I click, but the moment something looks questionable I nope the fuck right out of there
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Have you ever felt that you may be a suspect whether it be ok a drug site, a pedo site, etc. Have you ever been contacted by someone regarding your surfing habits? Well my actual surfing habits are protected by Tor, which means they are hidden from prying eyes, so no I haven't been contacted about them. I am very open on the dark web about who I am and what I'm doing there - I use the name OzFreelancer on all of the markets and forums. I don't go to the sites that host child abuse images - you can't un-see that shit and I don't need it in my head.
As noted in another reply, I was contacted by Homeland Security on one of my visits to the US and taken for a "friendly" lunch.
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Psychonauts are more friendly than most people. Something about regular mind altering experiences makes you want to be less of a cunt. Yeah, I call The Majestic Garden a little corner of sunshine and rainbows on the dark web :)
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More about The Majestic Garden please? What is grown there? It's a place where people talk about and source psychedelics - most notably LSD, the 2C family, DMT and MDMA. Talk about and sourcing harder drugs is forbidden. In fact the admins snuck in an autocorrect so that any time someone wrote the word "cocaine" it would post as "a raging hardon" :D
Do you fear that seeing all this stuff might turn you emotionally blunt? I'm not watching any of this stuff on purpose (even the clearnet stuff), because I fear that the more you see of it, the more normal it gets, and ultimately, the more it will fuck you up. To quote the movie 8mm... "If you dance with the devil, the devil don't change. The devil changes you." No, I can't even watch "3 Guys 1 Hammer" in its entirety, let alone look at the really dark materials on the dark web. When I was researching The Darkest Web, going into the predator forums did the opposite of making me blunt. It was the shortest section of the book but took the longest to write because it was so emotionally draining
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I have to ask, what is "3 Guys 1 Hammer"? It's a video of two teenagers murdering an innocent man with a hammer that went viral on the gore sites of the regular internet. It's truly horrible.
The teens killed over 20 people. I wrote about them in my book (excuse the plug)
I heard somewhere that you foster dogs. Is that something you do to counter all the terrible humans you encounter in your research - everyone knows how dogs are better than people. How many dogs have you fostered and which one was your favourite? After my dog died I knew I didn't want to have another dog as I wanted to travel more. So I thought fostering dogs would be the answer as you give them love for a few weeks and then they go to their forever home. My first foster, Roy, was a big fat failure and now he lives here and sleeps in our bed and is the most spoiled dog alive
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Did you then just decide to quit travelling? I don't know anything about Roy, but I already think I love him. Nah, he has family he can stay with when I go away, but any major travelling has been thwarted by COVID for now anyway. I'm in a hard lockdown city.
And I'm sure Roy would love you too, u/suckmyhugedong
Given how much you know about the dark web, what kind of crazy awful nightmares have you had? This could be a really good one. Thank you Probably the worst thing was delving into the forums where child predators gathered. I never looked at any videos or photos, but just seeing their discussions sickened me. The one thing that keeps coming back to me came out of the sentencing hearing that I attended of Lux, owner of Hurt2theCore, considered the most heinous website in history. In court they read out a conversation between him and an abuser who made videos of torture of the mute disabled child in his care. They were joking "at least she won't be able to tell anyone" . the abuser wasn't caught, at least by that stage
As an indie author, how have you sourced freelancers? Did you seek out those that have specific expertise or did you work with editors from your time as a traditionally published author? I learned to do everything myself before I started outsourcing.
I work with a professional editor who happens to be a friend of mine from back when we did a writing course together. I've been doing my own covers, but now that I have some royalties coming in, I've engaged a professional cover artist from Reedsy to develop a brand and more professional-looking covers for me. It is the hardest thing to find people you really want to work with and who are in budget.
I still haven't got the hang of email lists, newsletters or a website - they are all in a total mess at the moment and I'd love to find someone who can do them, but again it is that problem of finding the right person who is within budget
is it true that most of the internet is in the "dark web"? if so about how much percent is it? By far the biggest myth is that it 10x larger than the Internet. I mean, this should be common sense anyway, but it gets propagated by tabloid media all the time. It stems a lot from people using the terms "deep web" and "dark web" interchangably when they are different things.
The statement that 90% (or thereabouts) of the internet is hidden is true, and it is called the deep web (not the dark web). The 90% that is hidden is all those pages you won’t get to using google or any other search engines. There’s nothing scary about that – in fact it works in your favour.
The easiest example is your bank. The bank’s major page is available to anyone who searches the web (part of the 10%, also known as the “clearweb”). But once you log in, all those pages you can access that contain your personal details? Not searchable on google. Each one of those pages is part of the 90% of the deep web. Business and government intranets also make up part of the deep web. Honestly, it’s nothing to worry about.
The dark web – the hidden services available through Tor and other anonymising programs – makes up a tiny fraction of the deep web. A really, really tiny fraction. It is infinitely smaller than the clearweb.
Do you think human trafficking happens on the dark web? Last year (I think) there was a really bizarre story here in the UK about a model who was supposedly kidnapped to order, drugged and transported overseas by a group called "Black Death". The official story is that BD doesn't exist, and the kidnapper was a fantasist. Is it likely that humans are bought and sold into slavery over the dark web? There are no slick websites with auctions for slaves on the dark web, but I have no doubt that human traffickers use dark web encryption to communicate.
(here comes the second plug for the thread) - I wrote about the kidnap of Chloe Ayling and the Black Death Group in Murder on the Dark Web
What ever happened to the plural of mongoose storyline? it seems like after he was arrested in the united states, his case just fizzled away. did you ever find out any more information about yuri after he cancelled the interview with a news program? what happened with peter scully's case? i read that there was a fire where a lot of evidence against him was held and it all went up in smoke. are there any character and/or personality storylines that you feel haven't been told or are still a complete mystery? eg. tony76 1. He is still in the MCC in NY and awaiting trial. It has taken a long time because he had terrabytes of information to go through and things would have slowed down due to covid. I understand he is running the Fouth Amendment argument that Ulbricht probably should have run in the first place
2. I last heard from Yura just a few weeks ago. He is still scamming. There are some more programs in the works about him
3. Yes there was a very convenient fire, but he still got sentenced to life and i hope he rots in hell
4. I am madly curious to know what is happening with the extradition of James Ellingson, aka “MarijuanaIsMyMuse”, aka "redandwhite", MAYBE aka Tony76. I would LOVE to know that full story!
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Wow, this shit is a blast from the past. I used to love following the darknetmarket drama. Did you write about PoM and tony76 in one of your books? Ever since reddit shut down /darknetmarket I've been out of the loop. Yes, I wrote about them in The Darkest Web
I was in touch with PoM/Mongoose when he went on a posting rampage on MyPlanetGanja, then visited him in Bangkok prison several times. Wrote all about it :)
This may have been answered by a previous post pertaining to native language barriers to specific sites on the dark web, but in your investigations, did you come across content/pages/forums from warzones? Middle East, Burma, Afghanistan, etc? If yes, what was the most memorable bit? There are loads of sites in foreign languages, but it is too difficult for me (a one-language numpty) to attempt to translate through AI, and it is not worth hiring a translator when they could just turn out to be Cat Facts
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2020.09.17 01:26 Icy-Wolf-3993 Interactive webcam sex

I (39f) have been with my husband (45m) for almost 8yrs now. I acknowledge that I have trust issues, and he knows this. I have seen on his phone where he is frequenting online webcam adult chat sites, where both parties are on camera. They always have the catchy title of being "in our area", whether they are or not I can't say. I caught him early in our relationship actually corresponding and exchanging pics with online girls, and I made my opinion clear at that time. I don't have issue with him watching porn, but I feel like live interaction with other women is crossing a line. Our love life has been on a slow decline over the last 2 years or so due to ED and he says lack of interest in sex, but not lack of interest in me (??). Am I wrong for feeling like this is cheating, in a way? Why does he make the effort almost daily to visit numerous sites, but can't be bothered to be involved in similar activities with me? *Sorry, don't want to sound whiny. I need to vent, and this seems like as good place as any. I've only addressed with him once, and not forcefully. Just mentioned it, said I didn't like it, and moved on with the conversation.
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2020.07.28 16:06 throwaway-0410 A Comprehensive Timeline of EvaX

I've been seeing a lot of posts asking for this. To the best of my ability I'll list what I've found with evidence. I'm addressing Alex Mahan as "EvaX" instead of "YanDev" because I don't think it's very accurate to call him a developer.
Important note: I don't condone the harassment of Alex Mahan. While it is fine to be outraged over his behavior, harassment of any kind is not encouraged. The purpose of this post is to bring to light the morally inept behaviors that have been expressed throughout the years, not to create reasons to harass Mahan.
About CannotGoogleMe: There is now proof beyond reasonable doubt (99%) that confirms CannotGoogleMe is EvaX. Subject is under 2015.
Lastly, if I'm missing any information or if someone would like to make a better timeline, feel free to take from this post or build off of it- you can copy-paste! The goal is to make a comprehensive list to get the facts straight so that everyone is better informed.
The notes about his age is to prevent any arguments about his age ("he was only a teen when he wrote that!"), and to give a better example of... is this a good reflection of how an ___ aged man should behave? Also provided as a DEFENSE for EvaX himself (as seen in "ideation of killing his parents) as he is speculated to only be 16.
(Please comment any info/evidence I'm missing instead of messaging me)
Under Construction /Ambiguous dates / Misc.
Ideation of killing his parents (2000's- unknown date)
EvaX has been known to be a frequenter of sites like Gaia and 4chan. He posted about wanting to kill his parents; someone advised him to move out but he didn't want to as he was a dependent. While this is worrisome behavior, the speculated time of the post places EvaX to be in his late teens (most likely 16?), so it's not quite relevant to his behavior now besides building a background of repeated behavior and an unstable/ dangerous mindset.
Abusing Stream Watchers
Called a person an a*tistic little b*tch in a stream. Unfortunately it was deleted and I cannot find any evidence of it (if found I'll put it here), but this was also part of the stream that was captured by a kiwi before being deleted (speculated to have occurred on 2009 or 2015, based on the dates, making EvaX ~21 or 27).
Master Post of stolen assets
Unprofessional Interactions Compilation
YanSim's main artist has some allegations against her for tracing art. Not a callout for her, just that it means there are stolen images/ traced art in the game, and I'm not sure if people want to support that.
Spaghetti Code
A very long video that does a good job in covering the code. The video is segmented if you wish to look for a specific subject, and is also in the description.
Loserz Message Board
2006-2007 (~18-19 y/o)
EvaX was part of the Loserz Message Board (Loserz webcomic forum) and has made some questionable posts and comments about women and general incel thoughts. Most of his activity were in 2006-2007 (18-19 y/o), so hold these against him with consideration of his age.
Playing a Porn Game with an Underaged Character
2006 (~18 y/o)
EvaX frequented a forum to guide him on a game called Rapelay, a pornographic game centered around sexually assaulting a mother and her two daughters, one of whom is underaged. While the forum has no pictures, click at your own risk due to the nature of the game.
Alleged Pastebin of EvaX addressing Streaming Abuse
EvaX has/had a private website where he streamed and interacted with people, and this is apparently a response to EvaX abusing mod powers (banning, censorship, etc.)

Volunteer Mistreatment
Many volunteers have stopped working with EvaX after harsh treatment or problematic behavior. Will be updated with more information

2005-2012 (17- 24 y/o; "Life of a Sex Slave" was written in 2009, making him ~21 y/o).
Disturbing Fanfictions
EvaX wrote many stories, some about rape and human trafficking (sex slaves). Read at your own risk. In one of the stories, a character was 10 years old when she first experienced rape (and it goes on until her late teens).
2006 (~18 y/o; site lists as 20 but it's either wrong or EvaX forgot to update copyright)-
Name Origin / Confirmation
EvaXephon's name is a combination of Alex Mahan's favorite animes, NGE ("Eva" coming from Evangelion) and RahXephon (Xephon). EvaX has a fanmade site to compare these two animes and confirms that they are the origin of his username.
Rage tendencies
In a conversation in a forum post, EvaX mentions "rage" tendencies and that he has been forbidden from screaming to relieve stress. He mentions hitting objects and more screaming. There are more incel posts at this time.
2008 (~20 y/o)-
Incel / misogynistic Gaia Posts
EvaX confirms he is NotDepressedAnymore (the UN for most of these posts).
EvaX posts an "incel" post on Gaia where he blames his physical appearance for the lack of attention from girls ("I'm a nice friendly guy and I just want people to give me a chance [...] I guess my face makes me look like a creepy, weird guy, so no one wants to know me or be around me"). Here's a similar post. And another one. Aand another one. Aaaaaaaaand another one.
Branching off of this, EvaX has sexualized women and "creep'd" on them. In one post, he mentions staring at a girl's breasts and wonders if his creepy behavior made her cover up.
2009 (~21 y/o)
Sisefs- soliciting nudes and engaging in online sex with a minor
In a post from the victim herself, she confirms that she was in a relationship with EvaX, with EvaX KNOWING she was 14. He justified this relationship by saying that since he was homeschooled, he missed out on dating in high school. She was in MIDDLE SCHOOL.
He asked her for nudes, sexted over skype, and masturbated to her on webcam.
Here's a chatlog with a different girl; use control-f to find "sex". It's predatory. Sisefs is mentioned in the chatlog, but EvaX lies about his experience with her and her character (most importantly, that she was a minor):
" She did a bunch of bad stuff, like...she lied about her age, and she started a website to give people a place to say bad things about me, and her parents took away her Internet privileges because she was taking nude pictures of herself and sending them out to people. She sent me her nude pictures (and she sent them to like 100 other people too) and somehow, this means "EvaXephon requests child porn from minors". I deleted all of her photos as soon as I discovered that she had been lying about her age the whole time. She was not a good person at all, and I am very glad that I don't know her anymore.""
He also wrote this in context of his experience with Sisefs in 2015 (~27 y/o).
He later makes an tumblr post addressing Sisefs in 2015 (~27 y/o) and general pedophilia/ sisefs situation in 2017 (~29 y/o).
Tumblr user Wunkolo talked to EvaX about this and this was part of his response in an email.

2011-2014 (~23-26 y/o)-
"VideoGameBabes" Twitter
EvaX is confirmed to be the owner of the twitter account "VideoGameBabes". The account is centered around writing about... hot video game "babes", and while that in itself is kinda problematic, he goes beyond that by making a pedophilic comment- "Japan has produced yet another game about fondling underage anime girls. All praise to glorious Japan!"

2014 (~26 y/o)-
Luna Scythe / Skullgirl Programmer Rant
EvaX worked on a hack-and-slash called Lunar Scythe, and he posted it to a skullgirls forum. There has been criticisms from people, as the main character looks like a generic edgy girl (and bears similarity to Ruby?) and has an overly "sexy" vibe. The description of the game literally says
" At the beginning of the game, Luna dies. As Luna’s spirit looks down at her own body, she feels nothing but apathy. She didn’t want to live in a world filled with human filth*, anyway.* "
EvaX showed his game to Mike Z., the lead programmer of Skullgirls. Here's the pastebin transcript of when Eva X and Mike Z had a conversation about the game. He gave EvaX criticism and EvaX blew up in a later post.This is why some people have called Yandere Simulator a "Spite Game" in response to YS fans calling Love Letter the same.
Senpai's Little Sister Controversy
EvaX originally wrote Senpai's sister to be cute and innocent, but wanted to make her "lewd/ jailbaity". This is problematic because Hanako is underage. His defense was that it would make people feel less guilty about killing her.
He later states that Hanako and Senpai are only 3 months apart (same parents) when that is biologically impossible. Also controversial due to incest implications- however, this is a common trope in anime.
Unfortunately, a lot of the posts/ evidence are in yandere_simulator and that is currently in lockdown (and most likely deleted). I'll update if given pictures.

2015 (~27 y/o)-
Addressing suggestions to remove panty shots
I think the post speaks for itself. EvaX thinks people are too sensitive when they tell him to remove a feature in the game that is literally creeping on underage girls, and he wants to implement rape into a game about murdering minors?
Admits he has no formal training
The reason why his code is spaghetti is because he learned while messing around in free programs and from his experience at a company.
Existence of Sex Doll ( "Mai Waifu" character namesake )
CannotGoogleMe is confirmed to be EvaX. Controversial as it is heavily implied that EvaX has bought the doll using Patreon money, as well as naming a class 1-1 (freshman) underage character after his sex doll, placing her at around age 14-15. They have similarities, such as pink hair (which was inspired by a Momoka cosplayer EvaX saw). Forum posts start at 2012, but doll posts begin at 2015.
Click links with caution. First is the "Mai Waifu" and gets close to nudity but has spoiler tags, while the "Samus" one is less risque.

2016 (~28 y/o)-
Censorship on Yandere Simulator Wiki
While EvaX is the "dev", he doesn't have the right to remove posts on a fan-run wikia. He barged into the wiki and started removing posts and comments and got banned, then started a flame war with another user. They told him "you aren't above the rules" and EvaX starts attacking his personality and credibility (ad hominem fallacy).
Ayano in Crush Crush (A Porn Version exists)
Crush Crush is an idle dating sim, and EvaX agreed to let Ayano be made into a dateable character. It is partnered with Nutaku (a well-known adult company) and has a NSFW version (link to twitter, not the game. Safe to click). The 18+ version has a still image of the main character (a white blob) doing it with any of the dateable characters, Ayano included.
Ayano is 18* (Ayano previously was listed to be around 17, but has since been boosted to be 18). There is a classic tactic for people who draw/make/etc. porn to say that all characters depicted are 18+, even if specified otherwise. This seems like a similar case.
Sex License
In a conversation with someone EvaX addresses as "N", he talks about an idea to bypass the age of consent. EvaX did not condone "N" demonizing pedophiles, and defended his idea for a sex license- a test to see if an underage individual is ready for sex (his argument being that people have different maturities regardless of age).
" Intent on forcing me to answer a question that would allow her to brand me as a pedophile, she demanded to know if I would permit a 14-year-old to have sex with a grown man if the 14-year-old had passed the “sex license test” that I had proposed.
Well, obviously, if there’s a test that objectively proves that a person is ready for sex, and a person passes that test, then that person is objectively ready for sex. This is simple logic, but “N” lacked the mental capacity to figure this out for herself."

2016-2017 (~28-29 y/o)-
Nemesis Origin / Stolen concept
Nemesis was based off this art as stated by EvaX himself. To EvaX's credit, he did change Nemesis's hairstyle with the artist's approval, albeit the character design is still very, very similar. (In Mission Mode, it is revealed that Nemesis is Hanako from the Mission Mode alternate timeline, meaning she is underage).

2017 (~29 y/o)-
Stolen Art Used in a Video
EvaX stole multiple fanart from teenagers across some art platforms (Deviantart, tumblr, etc.), blacked them out, and used them to tease new characters. A user has made a very descriptive post about this on the wikia.
Some of these characters are from licensed video games and anime (Elsword and Durarara), so I'm concerned about the legality of using a different company's character to promote your own, even if it's through STOLEN fanart.

2018 (~30 y/o)-
Calls Patreon his Tip Jar
EvaX says the patreon is his tip jar, not the budget for the game. He SOMETIMES compensates volunteers with money from it, however. This is noteworthy as most people assume that the money they're giving him are to support the game, not buy an extra switch or a sex doll (allegedly).

2019 (~31 y/o)-
Announces crossover with Project QT (Porn Game)
Ayano is in the crossover, and EvaX defends this choice by saying "YanSim was never intended for children; my audience is mostly adults". Click the first link at your own risk. This is problematic because Ayano is underaged* (even if EvaX says "ALL CHARACTERS ARE 18 EVEN IF SPECIFIED OTHERWISE HURR DURR").

2020 (~32 y/o)-
Discord Speedrun Ban Arc
EvaX made a post addressing what happened to him in 2020, with the "Discord Speedrun Ban Arc" being the first. He states that this started on Jan 20, 2020, and on the same day he posts a tweet about suicidal ideation. Not so much as a demerit to him, but just a reflection of how he handles stressful situations and his poor state of mind. (Important note: even if you think EvaX is a terrible person, harassment is not okay).
Announces crossover with BITC (Porn Game)
Ayano and Nemesis are in the crossover. EvaX just makes a simple post announcing it. Same underage problem applies (as aforementioned, Nemesis is Hanako from another timeline, making her underaged, while Ayano had her age changed to "18").
Intimidating rival games and threatening suicide to the Dev of Love Letter
To the developer of WMN (telling him to take down the game and lie to the fanbase)
and to the developer of Love Letter (suicide threat)
Puts discord server and subreddit on lockdown; censorship
No description needed.

submitted by throwaway-0410 to Osana [link] [comments]

2020.07.23 19:52 hanniethicc Interactive webcam sex

Very long post.. somewhat graphic.
I hadn't even heard of the term "groomed" until I was 25 years old.
I grew up in a small town, with a large family.. I was the 6th of 7 children from my mother, and growing up I had to look to my older siblings for examples of social interaction, relationships, life, ect. My parents had an amicable relationship until my mother realized my dad was doing meth and they separated when I was 7. After that my dad wasnt around alot, and got very consumed in his habit. My mother trying to make a better life for herself and us moved 2 hours away. By this time it was just me and my younger brother, so we were alone alot as she had to work most of the time. When she wasnt working she was dating, so I became very independent at a young age.
When I was 13 a friend had told me about a website called Gaiaonline, and so I created an account and started to embrace an online life. I met a user we'll call 'wiz' and we hit it off. It wasnt until about a year into talking that this friendship started to change..
During this time in school I was developing and going though alot of emotional changes, especially in regards to my self esteem. I latched on to wiz and began to speak to him regularly. He was entirely sweet at first. Very interested in me, my habits, my creativity, my life. He was 24 so I was excited that a man that was older than me was interested me. The more we talked the more it began to slip into an affectionate relationship. We began to exchange pictures and talk on the phone. He would always tell me how funny and smart I was ect.
I became head over heals in love with this person. I was so infatuated with him that I couldn't wait to get off from school and talk to him everyday. I became entirely emotionally attached to this man. Of course this relationship eventually turned sexual. It started slow with 'innocent' roleplay, but inevitably turned into me sending pictures of myself to him. As our relationship progressed we began having phone sex.
By the time I was 16 I was having phone sex and sending sexual photos on a near daily basis. I had to make sure to talk to him everyday. He would tell me things like... "I love you so much, I'd so anything for you. I would kill for you. Your mine." He would insist that I call him everyday and if I couldn't call him I would have to text him and send pictures of myself so he know I was okay. I had to tell him "I'm yours." He would have me say if on everyphone call. I even stole a webcam from my school so that i could video chat with him when i was alone.
When I turned 17 We made plans for him to come and visit me. I was still underage so I had to lie to my mother and tell her Wiz was 19. I had been enamored with his person so long I wanted to loose my virginity to him. I had this idea of him in my head that he was my forever love, that he loved me entirely, and he cared about me the way I cared about him. He bought a plane ticket and flew to me. I picked him up from the airport and we got a hotel room for the week. We has sex within 5 hours of his plane landing.
The 5 days he was in town was awkward. He was very possessive and difficult to talk to. We had sex everyday that he was here, and didnt do much else besides that. He was critical of the way I dressed and made me feel very self conscious. When he left I felt very empty.. we continued to talk for 6 months after his visit. He progressively got more possessive and confrontational with me. He encouraged me to come and move in with him. We fought alot... to the point where I ditched class to call him and fight on the phone over something small like me not texting him on my lunch.
I finally hit a breaking point and broke up with him before I graduated my senior year. I was proud of myself, but was also feeling very lost and regretful.
At this point in my life I had never attempted to talk to other people my age so I was very awkward and my approach to relationships was entirely skewed. I was very submissive and sexual which caused alot of awkward moments for when it came to dating. These moments contributed to my self esteem issues for years.
I let myself go though alot of heartache and losers over the years. I started to party alot and had a few flings that ended poorly and each new person broke me down even more. I finally met a man we'll call Dre when I was 23 and the connection was immediate. This was the first man I had met that wanted to continue an ongoing relationship with me since Wiz. We were both upfront that we didnt want a 'serious' relationship, but we could enjoy our time together. It was off an on for 3 years. There were times when he was an absolute delight to be around, the sex was great. He made me feel sexy and beautiful, but it was obvious he didnt want to commit.
There were times when I was okay with this, allowing myself to see other people during this time, but it was always the same cycle of hookup highs and then the inevitable lows that followed. I always had Dre to fall back on.. he was never abusive, but he was never committed which hurt me just the same. But we had functioned like this for a long period of time, so I justified our relationship anyway I could..
Towards the end I began to question myself.. why was I allowing this to happen? Why am I accepting this relationship the way it is when I am constantly feeling inadequate and hurt because of it? At this time in my life I was trying to improve the perception i had of myself. I know it sounds corny as hell, but thank god for lizzo, because if it wasnt for "truth hurts" & "baby how you feeling" I might still be with this man..
I started to accept that I am an intelligent, smart, funny, and charismatic person.. I was watching other women and appreciating their unique qualities but I wasnt appreciating my own. I knew I had to leave, but I was so attached to this person it was really difficult for me.
During this time I had met another man I was interested in.. and who was obviously interested in me.. but I was scared and avoidant of him. He was persistent.. and totally different from any of the previous relationships I've had. He was gentle and soft, he moved slowly and took his time.. there was a serendipitous moment we shared and I realized I wanted to give this a try.. but I was still with Dre and knew I needed to end it.
At the end.. about a week prior I had stopped texting Dre.. he was concerned and wanted to know what was up. I knew I wanted to leave, but i was avoiding talking to him. I ended up calling my brother and going to his house. I was having a panic attack, very emotional.. I was scared to leave Dre. Apart of me didnt want to because I was very in love with him.. and i knew when I left my brothers house I was going to have to go and talk to him.. talking to my brother we discussed all the reasons why i needed to leave, why I deserved better. The conversation eventually led to my past relationship with Wiz and it hit me like a ton of bricks.. Wiz never loved me. He was a grown man taking advantage of a child and now at 25 I was realizing it for the first time.
Flooded with emotion I went to Dres house and told him that I had met someone else and was feeling a connection and I wanted to give it an honest shot. We left it at that and I walked away from my comfort zone.
Fast forward 2 years later I am still with the man began dating after Dre. We recently moved in together and I'm very thankful to have him as a support in my life. He is patient, kind and encouraging of me.
He was the first person I ever told about being groomed. It was a very difficult conversation, and one that opened a floodgate of emotions for me. I am still healing from this experience. As I had mentioned before, i didnt even know what "grooming" was until i had heard it in an episode of MFM. It was clear to me what I had been through, and the realization of that was very difficult for me to process, even to this day.
The reason why I am posting this now.. I had seen an astrology post for air signs (Gemini) that stated that there was someone in my past that I needed to let go of so that I could start to emotionally heal myself. Im not an advid astologist or person that relies heavily on astrology.. but I did get me thinking. I still think about Dre alot and check up on his social media from time to time to make sure he's okay. I know this is wrong, and not healthy for me.. It's not fair to do to myself or my partner. I justify it in my mind but it's not an honest practice and i am only holding myself back when i do this.
Last night I finally blocked his account and disabled my social media platforms for my mental health. Although I've had no direct contact with him, I cannot continue to allow myself to hold on to this person. I knew this, but that post resonated with me in a way that I finally followed though with it.
With that being said, I know I am still holding on the the trauma of my past. Although I have been honest with my partner about my abuse, I have yet to truly sit down and write out my experience. I have attempted to contact an abuse hotline before but because I didnt have any information to give it was a dead end.. I unfortunately dont have any evidence of the conversations that took place over many years because after I left Wiz I deleted all of my email history as well as any viable proof of this ongoing abuse. I also do not know the legality of reporting my abuse, and so I have yet to enact on that. Its difficult for me to look into as its still very hurtful and traumatic for me to think about. I still have some information about this person, and if I can figure out a way to report him, I would still like to do it.
I now thankfully have a great job with good health insurance so I can begin the process of seeking a therapist to confront this hurdle in my life.. I am hesitant as I have never been to counseling or therapy, but I know it's time. I wanted to write this post to share my experience.. it's not an experience I or anyone, need to be ashamed of or guilty about. I believe other people should know that they are not alone in this struggle. It was because other women sharing their stories, that I was able to gain the courage to share mine.
To anyone person still dealing with the pain of their abuse, I feel you and I am with you. I hope you are able to find peace one day.
submitted by hanniethicc to survivorsofabuse [link] [comments]

2020.07.22 08:31 Blinker22Julce Sex webcam interactive

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2020.07.19 16:56 Blinker19Julce Interactive webcam sex

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2020.06.18 14:29 RejuvenatedWanderer Interactive webcam sex

Read first:
This will be a long, long entry. How I came to be, where my depression started and where I suspect why I became anhedonic. Let me introduce myself first; I am a male aged 32 from western-Europe, suspect I was anhedonic between ten and thirteen years, and likely had depression for even longer, I am still trying to figure out some parts, even tho I try to process "What happened?" for about a year and a half now. I've never actually got officially diagnosed by depression or anhedonia, let me make that clear from the start. I've never seen a therapist, apart from seven/eight sessions which I will point out in this story.
If you wanna skip to the point where I started 'getting out of it', jump to "When I decided I had no choice anymore" It will also have a TLDR part about the wall of text before that. The reason I wrote all the rest as well, is because it all gives a lot of important context, in my opinion. As you all know, anhedonia is tricky and in every case different, as far as I guess (I am in no means educated regarding this, just have my personal experience). Anyway, here goes;
My early past As a kid I was pretty bright compared to other people, I wasn't a wonder child, but smarter than average. I had dreams, liked to laugh, I always loved video games and playing them, in general viewed things from another perspective than most people did. I always knew I wanted to do 'something with computers', partially because of videogames, but in general I liked technology. During my early school years (pre-teen), I was "the clown" of the class; I liked laughing, liked to make people laugh, and didn't mind attention although I wasn't seeking it too much. I was just me.
I was sometimes being teased by playing with computers so much (Even pre-windows era, MS-DOS and "Norton commander") and my SNES. Most of my classmates used to call me 'computergoat' because of that. I had one really good friend, which I always played video games with for years. He had a PC, I had a Nintendo, we both had a GameBoy. You get the idea. I had two more good friends in class, but I didn't get along too much with them, yet. The rest of the class were more like acquaintances, but I was on good terms with most of the people.
At the age of ten and further however, I became aware of the fact that the teasing escalated into (verbal) bullying; namecalling, jokes about me, saying I was weird/crazy, kids can be mean for no apparent reason. Probably I was being bullied a while before that, but I didn't realise it, but that's merely speculation or hazed in my memory lanes, I will try to keep it factual. I never tried to take it too serious tho, I generally laughed along with the jokes, as I was still sort of a clown/jokester, and ignored or 'accepted'/'tolerated' the namecalling.
When I was aged eleven we had a teacher I still hold a grudge against. She was a fresh teacher, just graduated as one, and couldn't really keep order. This made things really bad for my situation of being bullied, as people weren't called to order, they openly bullied me, always verbal, it never was physical as far as I can remember, maybe a single punch on the arm here and there, but nothing really structural. She only said something once during class about it, when I was crying, but try to ignore the fact that I was crying. Half of the class was singing a cartoon's song, with my name in it and replacing some words to make it nasty-spirited, that song was quite popular that year and made me very, very sad. Well, she told the class to stop (especially the popular girls liked to sing this song, and three guys). But as I expected, the bullying only became worse after that, which only affirmed my belief that I shouldn't share all of this bullying with my parents. I was ashamed a lot that I couldn't stand up for myself. I didn't expect my friends to stand up for me because I would feel guilty if they got bullied as well, so I let it all happen.
At the age of twelve we got a new teacher, which was sternly against bullying and made a better atmosphere in class itself, but during the breaks and after school it was still there. By now, my confidence was really low of course. I didn't stand up for myself, neither did my friends, and I thought that was 'normal', "I don't really mind" keeping myself big; I didn't want to be a whiner. I was relieved the last few months of this year tho. Next year would be at another school, so I wouldn't see most of the people anymore, I even started to enjoy some days at school and laughed at some of the bullies, keeping in mind that it will soon be all in the past.
My puberty years New school, new chances, new hope. I was happy and felt so relieved for this new chance. It felt as a fresh reset which was very welcome in my life. But... The new hope was shortlived. During the first two weeks of this new school, word spread (some other kids came to this school too) what kind of person I was, I was weird, crazy and a dork/nerd etc. Many people joined this bandwagen and... well... It was kind of game over from the start. It all continued where it left off. It was still just verbal bullying, but now it were more 'generic' insults, like idiot, dork, sucker, ugly, weakling etc. Day in, day out, also, girls really acted like I was repulsive, making disgusted faces when I was near, I think you can imagine what teenagers can be like, well... I sure did at least.
My mentality continued surrounding my friends, I actually didn't want them to stand up for me at this point, as my bigger fear than being bullied, was that other people would be bullied because of me. After school we would just play video games. Because I was treated this way in general, I barely did anything surrounding my looks, I never wore 'trendy clothes' or did something with my hair, just simple, a tshirt or sweatter, jeans, nikes, done. All the time I hid everything from my parents, I never talked about it with my friends, I kept everything to myself.
The second year at this school, something good happened. Apart from school, I used to play a sport that was mixed, men/woman in one team. I always liked the sport and it was basically my only 'social' life where I wasn't bullied. I did get teased slightly, but that was peanuts compared to school. This year, I was in a new team where I met my first love. A social butterfly girl which was my polar opposite, she was popular, pretty, confident, but the best thing was; she was acting normal oor even nice to me. She made me feel like I was more than a pile of garbage (like the rest of my age group made me feel). The contrast between how I felt around her and how I felt when I was at school was insane to me.
In the end I reasoned the same as I did with my friends, there was no possibility that she could ever like me, so I will never be honest about my feelings toward her, she might get bullied because of me (she was at the same school as I was as well, one year lower), so if I truely loved her, I would refrain from ever saying that out loud, that was the rational thing to do. I had to swallow my feelings and hide them from the rest of the world. This love I felt, it caught me offguard, I never liked anybody before like this.
For the next several years nothing noteworthy happened, the girl I loved went to another team, she also went to another school, nothing came off it. (In hindsight I can tell she also liked me... ouch) The bullying continued at school and I 'learned' that whenever I shut up and say nothing, people would bully me less and just ignore me completely. All those time, untill I was mid-sixteen, I missed the girl. For three years I loved her intensely, even though I hadn't seen her for years. "She was the only one I ever looved and I wont replace her." were my thoughts. It felt wrong too replace her, I don't know exactly why. Maybe because I never felt anything for anybody else ever since.
People around me had nice friendgroups, went out to drink, to make stories, kissed girls, had relationships, talked to oothers like it was no problem at all. This was incomprehensible to me, a life of being bullied and social isolation. Not complete isolation, but I still had the same friends as I had several years ago. My social life was non-existent, I went to school, did my sports where I talked to people, but never made new friends, and especially not with girls. I was conditioned that girls were majorly, phisically disgusted with me. At a certain point, my lowest low in life, I started to make gagreflexes whenever I thought about myself. I was convinced I was an utter disgusting being, not worthy of anybodies' presence. My whole essence was tainted and I 'understood' people acted toward me the way they did. It was only natural to be treated like this, was my conclusion, this was my life how it always would be.
After that point, I made a wish I up to this day regret ever making. I hoped and wished I had no emotions whatsoever. Well... In hindsight, it's painful that I did it, but I still doo understand why I made that wish in that point in time. Most things were unreachable to me, love, being treated normally. Most people seemed to dream about having a nice home later, or getting a date, or kiss a person... My only wish was 'not getting bullied or feel bad about myself, even if it was for one day', but it never came to be. Sadly...
Late teens, when I was 17 I met a girl online, we talked for hours for weeks, untill the early morning hours on MSN messenger. We met up once after weeks of talking, for two hours. She said we weren't a match after that 'date' (nothing happened, we didn't even exchanged a hug) on MSN messenger with the webcam on... Surprisingly I started crying because I was apparently hurt over those words. Then something strange happened, I felt happy. No, not just happy, I felt happier than I could remember I've ever felt. This pain of rejection, this pain that lasted for three or four minutes made me realise I could feel. I started laughing while still having tears in my eyes, obviously, the girl was confused, but said she was happy for me. I was so relieved... My reason to be happy was pretty simple. I thought I couldn't feel anything anymore at that point, which was kind of true, because I didn't feel like I was in love with her in the first place, but those tears were proof that I could feel, or at least had a physical reaction that made me cry, right? My 'broken heart with crying as a response' was an eye opener to me that "it" was still there, my emotions.
Next several years weren't really noteworthy for this story. I got a side job as a dishwacher, studied computer sciences, but I didn't feel a lot actually. Playing games was mundane, I started playing World of Warcraft since beta, and MMO RPG game, social heavy. If I look back, I can say that I "grew up behind my screen". I read a lot about psychology, even back then, interacted mainly via text and very sometimes, via webcam/microphone, but those moments were exceptional.
I got a girlfriend at the age of 18, she kind of came to me. She was from a whole other environment than I was, she was 16, depressed, selfharmed her with a razor, had many boyfriends in the past for short whiles. We had a relation for 1½ year (I was her boyfriend and het therapist, rookie mistake, but she was the first girl that showed so much interest in me, it was almost intoxicating) That was... Ouch... She cheated on me in the end and I litterally saw it coming. I told her weeks before we broke up: "The way you are talking about this friend is more than just a friend. If you get along for too long with him, you will eventuially like him." But I trusted her (as I should do imo, relations are based upon trust) After a few weeks she asked: "How did you know this would happen?" and I immidiatly know what she was talking about, weeks later. I felt horrible after the breakup, but was pretty okay after half a year. During the relationship I only felt something 'great' just once, for two minutes I felt "desired", the rest was rationally interesting, but emotionally flatline. She also told me I was a good influence on her while we were together and also; she stopped cutting herself completely.
I want to emphesize here, that during my teens and puberty, video games have been my 'escape', meaning they were my sole form of noticable entertainment. Fleeing into a fantasy world where I could be the hero, or just practiced my reflexes, eyes, hands or just satisfying my curiosity or imagination. I've been called bitter from 19 and on, nothing seemed to entertain me apart from games, which took it's toll of course. Most things were dumb, stupid or lame in my experience. Games were where it's at. I did continue playing sports, because I rationally thought that exercising was healthy and then I at least had some form of human interaction. I didn't listen to music either, at all, apart from gaming OST's. New or old.
One more moment, where I can say (looking back at least) I was kind of (or starting to be) anhedonic, was when I said to my best friend at the time, a girl from my spoorts team, that I was interested in her (I was 19/20 here). It was the first time ever I confessed to anybody. I didn't 'feel' love exactly, but I knew I was intellectually interested in her, since we talked a lot, better than I ever did with anybody. She practically ghosted me... We didn't talk anymore, we didn't see eachother apart from sports but she ignored me foor months. I didn't feel anything in the least, but I understood her in a twisted way back then. I mean, my self-esteem was still non-existent, I understood she was scared/disgusted with me. She never talked to me about it once, probably scared?
We went out sometimes in group form, lots of mutual friends, she started to show interest in my best friend from elementary school (the friend mentioned a long while back, which I gamed with, he had the game PC). During a night, they started kissing right in front of me, my other friends, from the group, were furious at her, but me? I didn't feel a thing when she kissed my friend. I was confused why they were furious. Apparently they knew I liked her and they became angry for me. She asked me later if she should apologise to me, and this confused me even further. I wasn't hurt as far as I could tell, she was clear about having no interest in me by ghosting me. SHe was confused by my response, but she was thankful. Oh, yeah, and my guy-friend told me that I "Should have executed my plan to get in her pants differently." Which annoyed intellectually me a very little bit, because he was getting the wrong idea from my point of view, but I just took his 'advice' or whatever. He was talking down on me for my 'techniques'. After a few weeks they broke up, again, didn't feel anything with that. Anyway, I learned that I should never tell a girl I liked her, because that would/could only end up being ghosted like that. It was only natural that that happened to me (I reasoned like that).
Some other noteworthy things: I never looked anybody in the eyes, in general I expected people to be mean to me (But I never percieved it as mean, it was just 'normal'), if they were nice I thought they were teasing me or they were 'tricking' me. Apart from the earlier described time I never straight up told a girl I liked 'em, I felt inferior to most people in most aspects. I did start writing a thing like a diary, it started as a problem diary. I wrote things in it since I was eighteen, my reasoning was that my thoughts were too fast to make sense. If I wrote 'em down, I was forced to slow down my thought process, because I can't type as fast as people can think. This way it felt way more structured in general, giving me a better view on some things.
My twenties I had two other relationships during my twenties. One lasted 5½ years, the other 3½ year. But, let me stay chronological. My second girlfriend, met her at 22, was a nice girl, I was her first, she was 18. She was an average looking girl, but pretty smart and we could talk for hours, which was interesting to me as I didn't really experience that much emotions in general. Intellectually she was interesting, sharing ideas, views, opinions, all sorts of stuff. She wanted to wait having sex, take some time, which I gave to her, I liked her so I respected her. Or, well... The talking was the only thing, in hindsight, which we matched at. We were opposites, I exercised a lot as it gave me adrenaline rushes and I noticed I was intellectually sharper when I regularly exercised. I am by nature a pretty energetic type, physically energetic at least.
We barely went out, this GF had sereve social anxiety and didn't want to do anything. In bed she was pretty vanilla, not that it mattered that much, I didnt felt any need to try new things like I once wanted, but those desires were long gone before I knew it. In general she was kind of scared to try new things. During all those years, we never went out once, well... We went on vacation to Italy once, but she booked it, and it was a senior holiday trip. That's quite opposite what energetic me wanted, but 'whatever', my opinions and desires were drowned for a while and I just wanted to make her happy, because I could notice her happiness more than my own.
During our relationship, there was one specific game coming up from a series that releases once every five or six years, a series I have really fond memories of, so I was looking forward to experiencing that again, obviously, since I didn't have that much joy in my life anymore. The day was there, I started up the game and ended up stop playing it after 15 minutes because I was bored as fuck. At that exact moment, I knew, my first realisation since whenever, that something was wroong with me. I knew something was wrong because I didn't enjoy a video game I was anticipating soo long for. Apart from my relationship that didnt seem to go well anymore, intellectually and rationally analysed. I had a thought which I never had before: "I might be in need of therapy."
Without telling anybody, I went to therapy the first time in my life. I'll spare the many details, but the first therapist was an idiot, trying to 'steer' me toward a diagnose. She kept hammering and pointing out: "See? that MUST be because you are afraid of change." and every time I told her noo, she was surprised. After that first session she said she would look for another therapist for me, because she was out of ideas. The second therapist was a 'listener', basically no ideas, just listening and saying yes to my thoughts. She asked me if I exercised enough, if I came outside enough, the standard questions. I took care of my body pretty well, I was in shape, strolled for an hour or more several times a week, all was physically well (on the surfacelevel). At the seventh or eighth session, I knew intellectually what was wrong with me, or so, I thought. I reasoned that I was in a relatioonship I didn't want to be in anymore. It took me a while to came to that conclusion, but thanks to my diary and writing down my thoughts, analysing former diary entries, it was only logical. (After that last session I never made another appointment, since it was a waste of my money and time)
So after 3½ years I would go to my girlfriend and told her I wasnted to break-up. I told her "because I didn't feel it anymore", I thought, but it was more a rational decision. The next day she called me, crying, and I sumbitted to try it again. I still don't know why, probably because I know she would be pleased getting back together, "at least somebody getting fun because of me in my life."
What followed was the most soulless and sense-less period of that relationship. We tried new things, she said it went better, but I didn't feel it, but rationally observed, I guess she was right. Looking back, I am ashamed how I was toward her. I was getting snarky, short answered and sometimes even plain mean toward her, getting more and more frustrated why I didn't get any joy at all out of this relationship. I didn't have any reason at all to be NOT happy. On paper she was a good match, she was a nice person and loyal as well. Since the break-up we didn't have sex at all, because it would frustrate me since I didnt feel anything with it.
The next time I broke up, was about two years later. It was, again, a rational decision. I really, really didn't like how I treated her, she deserved better for how kind she was and how much she tried making the best of it. She said it was okay, that she still wanted to try to help me and save our relationship. This time, I didn't give in. I asked her to call a friend, that could ome over to soothe and talk with her that night, after I left. When I left her home I cried and threw up after the talk we had for three hours. I guess the physical stress got me, but also the guilt that I was such an asshole toward her for so long, she deserved so much better than what I was. Within a week though, she foound a next boyfriend, which kind of relieved my guilt; she was over me pretty quickly, indirectly admitting I was an ass to her. Also, she probably was looking for sex after a little over two years without it.
Within a few months I started talking to another girl, which started the same as my other relationships I had. We talked, for hours, and hours, and hours. Consecutive weeks long we would talk for hours per evening. I was thrilled a little, "Maybe this is a person I will actually feel more with, besides the poossible intellectual interest... Maybe emotions?" was my major thought. My last ex, this gf, was a stunning 9.5/10 in my book, at least in the physical department. She was really into me too, I should have been the happiest person alive, she was 18, and by then I was 28. We differed 9 years and eleven months. Talking was our main thing. She was scared, scared for one thing.
That I would leave her, she was scared to death for that (I was her first boyfriend), the reason? She didn't enjoy anything sexually and was afraid being left alone for that reason. She cried a lot about that fact. Every time I would soothe her anxiety: "We can have fun in moroe than one way, sex is fun, but not the world to me." She felt physical pain whenever I touched her intimately, also if she touched herself. She was frustrated because of that because she didn't understand how people could enjoy it. I didn't want to be "that guy" by leaving her for a reason like that, so I accepted it, even though she knew I was physically attracted to her and that I found it hard. I enjoyed her company enough to settle for just that, we kept on talking, she was intelligent and I liked her points of views in general.
She had a list of things mentally though. She also had sereve social anxiety, she was hypochondriac, she was obsessed with healthy food and scared of eating anything unhealthy or drinking alcohol to name a few. Everytime she has a 'hypochonder attack' (as she called 'em) I would soothe her about it, calling her for hours until it went away. This became a daily thing during some weeks.
Over the years she became less and less interested in me and sometimes told me she felt relieved after I left (I usually stayed at her dorm for 3 days a week). I didn't feel pain or annoyance whenever she stated that. Even after the fact that she thought I should be at her dorm for more days a few weeks before that. She felt like I didnt care for her needs for only staying two nights a week, even though I had a full time job.
We planned one holiday, near the end of our relationship, to Japan, our mutual interest (she was studying Japanese at the university). But she got scared and angry at me. She actually didn't want to be with me anymore, and angry because I didn't cancel my ticket for her "I never been to Japan before, and you did once". I told her that I didn't wnat to break up quite yet, and that we could go to Japan as just friends. She reluctantly agreed. This point I reasoned as well that I didn't go on holidays for over six years at that point. I always found it a waste of money since I didn't get any joy out of it. I rather saved my money or spend it on useful things.
Three weeks before we went to Japan she told me something in an arguement that didn't hurt back then, but later it did (will explain later). She told me, and I quote: "You are so, so not attractive to me, even repulsive, phisically and mentally. I would like to try to have sex with somebody, just not with you." Back then, I understood her. I still had low self-esteem and I even agreed to her that I was pretty repulsive. She also said, several times: "Sometimes I really get the vibe that you are a robot without emotions from you."- makes sense now. After the holidays which we planned we spoke just twice, once to exchange our last stuff (sleeping gear, games etc) and once after a two month radio silence, after the break up, to say eachother good bye and our thoughts so far after the break up. At this point I was 30, almost 31.
Another point I should add to this story: I became an alcoholic without even realising it. For years I had been drinking alone at home, a bottle of malibu, mixed with coola in my glass. It's ben my guilty pleasure since my 1st gf, probably the taste remined me of the days I could still feel emotions, that's how I think it is looking back to it. I did it in secret, my last ex hated alcohol "You will get cancer from it" (hypochondia was talking for her), so every friday evening, when I went home, I drank a bottle, as for saturday, as for sunday. During the weekdays I didn't drink. Always alone, in secret, while playing games, for years.
Some lose things what my anhedonia meant for me: I don't know a lot of preferences of my own. I never knew what I genuinly liked or disliked when it comes to a lot of things, since everything was a big bland thing too me. Food was just fuel to me, I never enjoyed eating, I ate because that would make me go on, just like a machine. I never felt the urge to leave my home (I was still with my parents), never had any urgency to work on myself since I always placed my exes above my own, I didn't feel anything anyway. In my eyes I was a lost cause... I never talked about this 'state of being' with anyboddy. Always kept it to myself and I thought this was just a regular and average life, I shouldn't whine and just swallow it, it was part of life... Well... Things changed from there...
When I decided I had no choice anymore A little TLDR for those that skipped all former text: Been bullied for around seven years total, in elementary/highschool. Self esteem was non-existent during and after that, always felt less than other people, sometimes got nauseous or had gag-reflexes during my lowest point when thinking about myself. Over the years I slowly slid into feeling less and less lifestyle. I tried to rationally think my way through life and tried to hide all of my 'true' feelings for other so they wouldn't become worried about me (I wasn't worth their worries), usually pussing up a mask/faking my 'shown' emotions until it became second nature. Started writing a diary in which I sometimes wrote about things that kept me occupied in life, usually about struggles. Had three GF's, one cheated on me, second I didnt want to be with for a long time without me realising it and the third one dumped me even when I sacrificed a lot for her. All three had some serious mental issues in their own way. Story continues after the last break-up at my age of 30.
After the break-up I started doing a thing I had never done once before: I would read the entirety of my diary I had been writing for years. More than ten years I have written my thoughts, my objective goals, and, from my early entries, my emotional desires which I had forgotten and buried. I took a day off from work since I was 'sick' and started reading. In total, it took me eight to nine hours to read it all, and, well... It was slightly like I was reading something from somebody else, the sadness I once felt, the urgency I described about changing myself with 'being happy' as a goal... They were all gone at this point. Especially one entry made me realise one thing. I remember the line very, very vividly and I get goosegumps bringing it up again. The line was this: "I really should work on myself right now, I already missed a few years of 'living', but when I postpone it any longer I will be thirty before I realise." I started tearing up reading that, which surprised me. My once biggest fear became my reality and I had forgotten it completely. This diary I wrote became something indescribably valueable to me, a little over a decade later. "I have forgotten who and what I am." was my conclusion, and that was only at 1/3rd of my (so far) written file.
Reading that line made something else happen; I started to have stomachache. I never had this feeling in my guts before, but with all the reading I did about psychology and self-help online, my guess was it had to do with mental/emotioonal pain. I had the thought: "If I don't change now, I don't know if I want to exist any longer." I always made a BIG distinction between 'living' and 'existing'. For longer than half of my existence, I just did that; merely existing. I wanted to actually live, "whats a life worth compared to a rock? It's there, but it doesn't enjoy or hate anything, it just is. I want to be human again." I think most people that had one form of anhedonia or another can relate to this, maybe not... (Again, I only found out about anhedonia AFTER this particular moment)
The next five months, I had constant stomach-ache, it was always there, always nagging pain, not as bad to the point I became paralysed of pain, but it was there, reminding me of some unresolved stuff from my past. After two weeks I welcomed it, as a memento, a scar. Something HAS TO HAPPEN now. I never felt this feeling before, urgency, this cooncentrated sadness, this powerless feeling, but I accepted it. I didn't want to pretend nothing is wrong anymore, or act the way I always had been doing, because, CLEARLY it did not work for me. And I want to be NOT ME any longer. I didn't want to be a slave from my past behavior for one second more. I decided I need to do some things oout of character, rationally decided, but for the benefit of maybe, JUST MAYBE, I could feel more. So I gathered the last things of my recent ex, like a photoframe of her and me, a suffed animal, a video game I got from her and some other random things. I gathered them and took a giant iron hammer, went to a spot where I was isolated from my town.
I put her stuff on the ground, I 'gently stroked her cheek on the photograph with the back of my fingers, said farewell with tearing up eyes and relently smashed the phootoframe while crying. This was the first time I cried in a long, long time, even after the breakup. I didn't want to be collected and "strong" anymore, I want to be human and cry, I wanted to feel, I wanted to live. During the smashing I also threw up and I even smashed a few holes in the concrete, glass was flying around from the frame. I felt horrible, but that was good. I learned an important lesson that day.
"Pain is good". Hear me out on this, because I still think this way. Pain for the sake of feeling pain is bad. But pain is merely a 'language' from your body to tell you: "Something is harming you." or "Something isn't right." Pain is your body telling you something shoudl be done in order to prevent more harm. During the five months of stomachache I came to realise, while reading my diary over and over again, analising what I said and how I said it (might not be a surprise I choose my working carefully by now, it's even worse in my native language) that I have blocking a lot, almost ALL signals of pain to the point I became insensitive and numb to it in a whole. In my specific case, probably because I didn't have any selfworth or selfesteem, therefor there was no urgency to change any of that. I lead a very self-deprivating life without feeling anything with that, I never took time process it all, all that had happened. I was practically a robot, always run on rationality and dismissing my emotional side. I started to focus on how I felt, even if a little.
I also figured out that I should learn to finally love and appreciate myself, my biggest 'opponent'. Done with the self depricating humor for now (I usually was still a clown to others, very cynical and dark humor). I acted in a way as I thought would be best for other people. I stopped drinking immidiatly, I started to eat more healthy, I exercised more (rational choice actually, it would stimulate dopamine creation), andfor the first time ever I would open up toward people. My three best friends I have known since elementary school and still regularly see. "Something had to change or I might be scared to stoop living permanently." They were a big help, even if I felt pain telling them my story and how I lived in the same classes they were in. They were all pretty shocked too hear 'my version' of it. It pained me to tell the my story, but I lived by the mantra "Pain is good" now... "At least I feel SOMETHING now, more than I've felt in a while." It's the same as when I was 17, when I was happy after I realised I could still cry (therefor feel sad), but now I was 31 at this point.
I started writing in my diary on a daily basis, analising my past, writing earlier events again, but now with the pain I could feel, forcing myself to feel pain, not a single part of my brain was thinking about blocking or ignoring the pain. A lot of things came by, the bullying, the GF's I had, the missed time of basically my WHOLE 20's, especially the lost time was mourn-worthy too me. I missed so much, soo much time and so much things I could have done. Also the words of my last ex started to sting a lot, I was trying to be a good boyfriend by accepting her, but now it felt like I was being backstabbed by her mean words and actions. I acceoted all the pain and took my time to process it all, I HAD TO resolve this, noo matter the time it took. Every evening/night I would cry, mourn, this continued for several months in the five month period of stomachache.
During those months something started changing. I got a feeling I didn't experience in a long, LONG time. It was another feeling in my stomach, but this was a known and very primal feeling: hunger. For the first time since I could remember, I started to feel hungry. I was so confused by that, It's been years since I felt that, something was happening in my hormonal household apparently. Even better, a good meal made me feel good, like... Emotionally. Me... I cried over my meals, I could actually enjoy eating. I was always known by people on how little food I survived, they usually thought I was anorexic. I ate what I needed and didn't eat more because eating annoyed me as it was mundane, mandatory and I never understood why people liked eating. Now I could enjoy food, and damn, I did eat, a lot (compared to what i did before).
Also noteworthy, a little bit funny as well; if you read all of this file so far, the game I mentioned earlier from a certain series (I didnt care about it once I got it), a new entry would be released later that year (Smash bros. on Switch). The circle became round, I started crying out of happiness once I had this game and felt joy. Funny how that was a game from the same series. It made me realise I had depression, and this new game made me realise I can feel things again.
I started to have more energy, not just becauee of the food, but also the exercising started to have a result, which made me eat even more. It was a positive feedback loop. After about four months (last month of my stomachache period) I tried going out with a good friend of mine, also single, to a local bar. We started to have a beer or two (my first alcohol sincea long while) and something else changed: I looked at woman/girls. I was surprised, I never ogled or looked at woman in the open. Even my friend told me: "Whow, dude, since when are you interested in looking around you like that?" It felt so good, just looking like that. It was not because of the looking at woman that made me feel good, that was merely a result. The cause that I felt good is that I didn't "stop" myself from having small urges like that. I allowed myself to do that. Before I would think I was a disgusting pervert and human being by even just glancing at somebody. Now I accepted it and I just did it, not in a creepy way, my friend was really happy I did.
For three months after that, I was high on life, constantly. People must have thought I was on drugs, walking around really happy with a smile coonstantly. I felt high, because I felt normal/happy foor the first time in over a decade. I could practically beat the whole world at that point, "nothing can stop me!" "is this how I was supposed to feel, all that time?". I took it a step further, by completing one thing on my bucketlist, from before I was anhedonic (as far as I remember): I wanted to try shrooms/truffles with my friend. Especially since I was this high on life. I never did any kind of drugs before (alcohol excluded, also drugs, I know), but truffles and shrooms are not phisically addiciting, therefor I always had an interest in them.
It was a good trip which made me realise a lot of good things (like "I should take care of myself from now on"), but those things are NOT CHILDS TOYS and I would strongly advice AGAINST taking them without some proper preperations and knowledge about them, just saying. I am trying to convey that shroooms did help me, but they are in no way a solution to anhedonia or depression. Research tells they look promising for these states, but thats another discussion for another time. "Don't take 'em lightly" is all I wasnt to say.
And well, that is basically the gist of my story. The year that followed (up until the point of the here and now) I reflected a lot of my life, I still embrace the idea of 'embracing pain(or worries)' as a signal, instead of suppressing it. I had some ups and downs (Which I expected, it can't go away after such a long period), but in general I've changed for the better so far. In my case, I had to take a LOT of time and energy to resolve my views on the past and on myself. I have no idea if people find any help or inspiration out of this story, if you have any specific questions, by all means; ask. The involuntary lifestyle I have been through was hell, I am an atheist, but I know now that hell exists. I created my own hell no... Others created my hell, but I cultivated it by ignoring myself, the signals my body tried to send were ignored for so long that I couldn't hear any of them any longer.
What caused me to finally change? It is really hard to say, and not a single day goes by without me thinking about it. I think it will take a few more years before I can say I am where I want to be, but I am sure as hell happy I can feel anything at all right now. Acting like I loved myself by taking good care of myself did certainly help in my case, because it probably started becausse of a long and severe depression and severe self-neglectance.
If you came this far in this wall of text: Thank you for reading, I really appreciate the time you took for digesting all of this! I tried to point out the most important things of my life out of my head concerning depression and anhedonia, but it's all 'just' a summary, so I hope it all makes sense what I wrote.
~ Rejuvenated Wanderer
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2020.05.29 18:15 YellowAnteater Interactive webcam sex

My partner has a specific fetish. I'll keep it vague for privacy reasons, but he has looked at pictures and videos of this fetish all his life. The women in the videos are usually always clothed from what I've seen, but they are showing off their bodies in a sexual way.
We've had fights over this before as I felt the frequency of his viewing was heavily impacting on our sex life. To be clear, I have no issues with porn itself. However my partner has said that this is really the only thing he gets a kick out of. He has very few hobbies and proper interests, so he indulges in this fetish regularly out of boredom. He has looked at it every day to every two days on average for as long as I've known him, and many years before. Every time he would open up his laptop to show me a Youtube video or do something whilst we were sitting together on the couch I would notice saved tabs and recently watched videos of this particular fetish. It has taken forever for him to accept that it is upsetting for me to see it. He now keeps it hidden.
We had a big fight a few years ago when I found out he was interacting with women of this fetish via webcam, and paying them money. I was furious and felt betrayed. He insisted it meant nothing, and that it was purely habit on his part, having done it long before he met me. He promised he would stop and said he would never do anything intentionally to hurt me, and as far as I know, he has stopped.
I've had a sinking gut feeling that things were not as they seemed for a while. There have been a few instances where I've caught a glimpse of something on his screen as I've walked by. Most recently I saw him browsing Facebook, and saw a "story" from one of these women, which meant he was connected with her on there. I asked him about it, he apologised and said that was from ages ago, and he then deleted the woman from his friends list.
I confronted him the other night and flat out asked whether he was still using the webcam. He said no. I asked him specifically what he was doing when he indulged in the fetish. He said he just looked at pictures or videos for a couple of minutes, in between working or doing something online. I asked him if he was paying money for anything, he said no. I asked him to show me one of the websites he used, and log in. I knew something wasn't right. He resisted, saying he would rather continue the talk tomorrow as it was getting "too late to have this kind of chat". I insisted, fearing he would be able to delete anything he didn't want me to see. He relented, and upon logging in and looking at his account (with him standing right next to me), I see a whole list of transactions in which he's forked over money to pay for videos, spanning back to 2018.
I couldn't believe the massive lie he'd just told to my face, but he immediately insisted that he thought I was specifically talking about webcam only. The transactions all seemed to be paid for videos (i.e. no direct interaction between him and the woman).
Feeling betrayed, again, we had a big shouting match with me doing the shouting, and him protesting that he thought that I knew all along that he was paying for this kind of stuff.
I don't want to think of my partner as intentionally dishonest. He has always been upfront about everything, as far as I know, and I've never had reason to think he would lie to my face over telling the truth. Over the next few days I come to accept that okay, he must have thought what he was doing was alright by me. I don't want to believe that he would intentionally sneak behind my back.
We had a big conversation about being open and honest, and I asked him is there anything else I need to know? He promised me no, there is nothing he is doing that would upset me. He agreed to stop looking at the fetish videos entirely, to see whether they have a positive impact on our sex life. (For reference he has always insisted that the fetish has no bearing on his libido, or on our sex life. I don't know for sure, but I would like to experiment to see if it does). My strongest insistance is that he never pays out money to women in exchange for sexual gratification. He agreed.
Still not fully at ease with the situation, I did something I don't like myself for. I snooped in his room. I don't know why, or what I was looking for, but I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't right. The lie he told was so blatant and shocking. He'd never done that before in our 6.5 years of being together.
I ended up finding a bag, inside of which were 8-10 USB sticks. Curiosity got the better of me, and whilst he was out I started looking at each stick on my own laptop.
Each stick is full of fetish videos. If I had to estimate I'd guess there must be over 200 videos in all. Maybe more. I didn't stop to look properly, I was shaking by that point. An important thing to note is that all of the "date last modified" dates were mostly from 2018 and prior. I think there were a handful that were last opened in 2019. (For context he and I have been together since 2014).
As I was scrolling through the file names, one jumped out at me, titled "17 year old". I felt sick immediately. I didn't open the file, too scared to look at what it contained.
That was a couple of days ago, and now here I am. I have been debating with myself on what to do. I feel like a shit for looking through his things. But I found this. What if there is more he is not telling me? Is this even a big deal? I don't know what to do, and I need help. Please tell me what you would do in this situation.
I love my partner. We have a house together and plan to spend the rest of our lives together. But I don't know what to make of this.
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