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2020.10.09 18:51 JunkyGS Voyeur cheating wife

Background Hello! For those that don't know I have written and posted about Janet Jackson on Popheads for over 3 years at this point. This includes anniversary posts for her albums, eras and overall detailing her impact as an under rated legend. She is the only artist I stan and is my favorite artist in all of music. As the go-to-Janet Jackson stan / resource to the community I have been often asked throughout the years "what are your favorite Janet songs / what songs should I check out if I am new to Janet". The task of picking out my favorite Janet Jackson songs always seemed incredibly daunting. This is a woman who has released 11 albums which includes over 300 songs which are all fantastic and important to me for one reason or another.
There is also the additional context of studying the eras, her interviews, her history and everything related to those songs over the years; WHICH brings me to this point that my favorites are always changing and very hard to nail down.
Until now.
Below you will find what are in my opinion the best 50 songs released by Janet Jackson. The first question you might have is how did a decide to rank these songs which is a great question. I ended up combining a lot of factors of varying importance into crazy equation into how I ranked these songs.
Now to state the obvious that this ranking is obviously going to be biased based off my tastes and lived experiences; however those are only two factors among a sea of many including cultural / musical impact, intent of the song, how it compares to similar ones in her discography, how they have aged, the context and societal standards of the time in which they were released, production, lyricism, Janet's involvement in the song and critical reception or lack there of at the time.
This list shouldn't be viewed as fact or invalidate your personal rankings; rather a list which can be the launching point for future Janet fans, bring awareness to songs even the casual or hardcore Janet Jackson fan might now know and overall use my years of Jan Fam stan hood to give you an informed opinion.
I can't wait to discuss any or all of this list with anybody that wants to after spending literal days deciding this list by listening to so much Janet and then writing something for every track (while trying to not make it over whelming by writing too much!!), now without further ado.... the list! I tried to keep the writings short for songs #50 - #21, write more for #20-#11 and then write the most for #10 - #1 and in the wise words of music's busiest nerd "Y'all know this is just my opinion, right?".
The List 50) Come On Get Up
An airy feel good and fun turn of the millennium bop that is a perfect fit on a playlist for any sort of celebration.
49) Island Life
The perfect song for a vacation getaway with a lover or to imagine a time post covid when we can travel to islands again.
48) No Sleep
The comeback single after an over ½ a decade wait has the “Queen of Insomnia” reminding us nobody croons a sexy R&B slow jam quite like Janet.
47) Because of Love
The single that is considered one of the final hits of the new jack swing era and what a hit to end the era with. Janet embodies infatuation and all the changes loving her partner has had on her.
46) Dream Maker / Euphoria
Janet imagines and manifests through talking to a higher power how she can make the world a better place on this mid-tempo jam featuring older soul infused production in a modern way.
45) R&B Junkie
In this retro up tempo bop Janet throws it back to the 80’s dance club scene and takes us all along with her on the ride.
44) Control
The song that kicked off one of the most iconic careers in music history and established Janet has a woman with full autonomy over her career.
43) My Need
In this mid-tempo song featuring hip-hop production is about Janet discussing her unbridled lust for her lover.
42) Black Cat
On this self-written and co-produced rock jam Janet proved to many people her artistry and foreshadowed her future adventures into many kinds of genres and sounds.
41) Trust a Try
In one of the most experimental songs of Janet’s discography she spits venom at a cheating ex over production that combines hard rock, classical music, dance, pop, hip-hop.
40) Someone to Call My Lover (So So Def Remix)
Janet daydreams about the perfect man over this sweet bop. This remix adds infectious production that you can’t help to rock and bounce to.
39) All Nite (Don’t Stop)
In this electro-funk dance bop Janet commands the club and gets everybody hyped to dance in one of biggest “hits that got away” in her career due to the blacklisting.
38) Son of a Gun (I Betcha Think This Song Is About You) [with Carly Simon]
While interpolating the classic Carly Simon song “You’re So Vain” Janet calls out everybody in her life that have tried to take advantage of her.
37) So Much Betta
Now this is where my taste really comes into play with this pick because it is a song ignored by Janet and the JanFam for most of her career until she decided to say GAY RIGHTS by doing a melody of it with Throb at her residency. This song to me is one of the best shameless electro slut bops that is just so infectious and fun.
36) Night
Janet skates across this modern house production to deliver in her classic breathy vocals a hopeful bop.
35) All for You
In one of the biggest hits of her career Janet delivers turn of the millennium dance pop gold with a bright and optimistic dedication to a lover.
34) Feedback (So So Def Remix feat. Busta Rhymes, Ciara & Fabolous)
By keeping the highlights of the original (chorus, bridge and pre chorus) and replacing the… questionable verses with fantastic guests Janet delivers one of the best electro-pop songs of her career.
33) Funny How Time Flies (When You’re Having Fun)
In some of the most gorgeous production of Janet’s career she reminisces with a lover about their relationship and a future glimpse into future sex jams.
32) Doesn’t Really Matter
In this slick and fresh sounding bop Jackson coos about ignoring everybody’s opinion of her lover and features an absolutely euphoric key change.
31) Free Xone
In this funky electro jam Janet speaks out about homophobia and how we need to fight for a world free of intolerance.
30) Runaway
This song made Janet the first female artist in Billboard history to debut in the Top Ten of the Hot 100 and it is easy to see why. This beautiful poppy hip-hop song with influences from African and Asian music Janet coos about runing away (what gave it away) with a lover.
29) Unbreakable
Janet reflects and thanks her fans for their unconditional pure love for helping her see through the hardest times in her life over this old school R&B jam. She walks the careful line of being genuine without pandering.
28) Velvet Rope
Janet outlines the premise of her album of the same name by speaking about how everybody has a emotional barricade (velvet rope) that prevents us from sharing with others our most personal thoughts and how Janet feels empowered to let people into her velvet rope.
27) Shoulda Known Better
Janet reflects on the rhythm nation era with all knowledge she has gained since she was “the poster child for being naïve”. She confronts that the same issues she thought she could change at the time are still around and about how she knows now different ways to tackle these issues instead of thinking she could just change the world herself.
26) Put Your Hands On
On this Japanese exclusive track for Damita Jo Janet encourages her lover to give into their fantasies and give into their body’s sensations over a mid-tempo house beat. Janet is commanding and completely in charge of her sexuality in this often looked over gem in her discography.
25) I Want You
Written by (unknown at the time) John Legend and produced by new comer Kanye West, Janet is passionate about her desire to make her lover “have her way with her” over a throwback doo-wop Motown mid-tempo beat.
24) Enjoy
One of Janet’s best deep cuts on of her most under rated albums (even by me for a long time as I ventured through my Janet stanhood journey). This song is so simple but incredibly effective at capturing a light hearted blissful feeling of living in the moment without regrets.
23) SloLove
In the most under rated bop of her career, Janet sings over an infectious deep house beat influenced dance song with elements of Jazz about everything Janet wants to do with a lover.
22) Rhythm Nation
This was born from the concept of Janet wanting to help create a world filled with people inspired to fight for social change & unity, specifically wanting to reach kids by having a song they could dance to. The song's production is funky and industrial, along with lyrical content speaking as a call to arms to help fight against the worsening of society. It received universal critical acclaim with one reviewer writing, "the beats on this song are probably the most powerful ever to be heard in the history of mankind". It peaked at #2 on the Billboard Hot 100 for two weeks and reached the Top 20 in many countries across the globe. It won Most Played Song at the BMI Pop Awards.
21) Days Go By
Over beautiful and whimsical production Janet perfectly captures the feelings of longing for a lover when you are away from them. It takes anybody back to the infatuation / honeymoon phases of their relationship. It baffles me how this song is a Japanese exclusive track for 20 Y.O. and is not on the main tracklist.
20) Broken Hearts Heal
This absolute tear jerker is about Janet reflecting on her relationship with her brother Michael, their childhood and the grief she had to deal with after his passing. In typical Janet form she allows a song addressing something sad sound upbeat and hopeful, like many of the gems in her discography. Jimmy Jam later explained in an interview, "Janet really had never addressed anything about her brother Michael dying. And if you know Janet and you’re a fan of hers, you know that she doesn’t speak a lot, but anything you wanna know about her and how she’s feeling always are in the records. If you listen to the records, she tells you exactly how she’s feeling. So this was her opportunity to talk about his memory, but to do it in a kind of a celebratory way. And the way the song lays out for us, it was just a matter of starting off very simple about her reminiscing about them together as kids and the things that happened and the way that she remembered— ‘cause we remember Michael as superstar Michael. For her? That’s her brother. She grew up with him. So we started the song like that."
19) You Need Me
In this rare b-side of Miss You Much, Janet sings in my opinion the most personal song of her entire career. It is a scathing detail of how negligent and abusive her father has been to her and the family growing up, along with how Janet had to step up as a child because of “all the childhood I missed out on and the love I never had”. Janet pleads with her father to swallow his pride and admit that how now that she is successful and he is older “the tables have turned, now you need me”. This is an anthem for anybody with a complicated childhood or who has a complicated relationship with their parents.
18) Empty
This is all about Janet’s thoughts on the emptiness people who only connect with others on through the internet must feel. Janet said when asked about this song, “"I like computers and use them to write and communicate with people all over the world. I believe computers are capable of tremendous good. But I also think about people whose only connection to other people is through a computer. I wonder what kind of reality that creates, and what kind of romantic frustrations it produces. After the machine is turned off and the electronic glow fades away, I wonder if you feel empty…” The song is very timely and incredibly relevant over 20 years later especially in this times of quarantining during COVID!!
17) That’s the Way Love Goes
This song was an instant classic the moment it came out. Janet fused together elements of pop, R&B, funk, soul, and hip hop to create this slow jam. It is the longest running number one single of any member in the Jackson family on the Billboard Hot 100 chart. Janet sensually coos about the effect she will have on her lover and how it goes when with her.
16) State of the World
One of my personal favorites off of the RN album and what would later be the name of Janet's 2017 & 2018 tour due to it sadly being still so relevant 30 years later. It was the 8th single off of the album, but was not released commercially in the US making it not eligible to chart on the Hot 100 due to the rules at the time. Despite that and having no music video to promote it, it still reached number 5 on the Billboard's Hot 100 Airplay Chart. This song tries to hold a mirror to society about the issues people were facing such as homelessness, prostitution, drugs impacting black communities, people not having food to eat, kids not feeling safe to go out and play anymore, bullying in schools; with Janet trying to offer hope later in the song and asking the listener to "weather the storm together".
15) Throb
Now this song is no lyrical master piece and might raise some eyebrows on how high it is placed but this song holds a special place in my queer heart. The first time I heard it I immediately felt safe, seen and still sounds great over 20 years later. The production is a mix of deep house and acid house with this brilliant bass line that will get anybody out of their seat. It is structure-less but still manages to deliver an experience.
14) Any Time, Any Place (Jam & Lewis Remix)
A classic R&B ballad and staple in hiphop thanks to being the prominent sample on Drake and Kendrick Lamar’s smash hit “Poetic Justice”. Janet details the lust and dirty thoughts she has for this person when they go out in public together. It is the anthem for expeditionists! On this remix Jimmy Jam and Terry Lewis somehow manage to find a way to make this song even more sensual, trim a lot of the fat and deliver the definite listening experience for this classic.
13) Nasty
In this absolute classic bop Janet details an encounter she had with a couple guys who were cat calling and harassing her. She totally owns and delivers the disgust she has for these men. When she returned to the studio after this encounter she told Jimmy and Terry “Those guys were saying nasty things to me, I don’t like nasty boys”, to which Jimmy and Terry replied “Ok! So let’s write about it.” With the instantly iconic line “No, my first name ain't baby - It's Janet, Miss Jackson if you're nasty” Janet empowered millions of women to feel confident in owning their sexuality and who they are.
12) I Get Lonely (TNT Remix feat. Blackstreet)
Janet really plays to her strengths as a vocalist & artist by making a timeless R&B ballad that addresses her desire to have an ex-lover back and dreaming about what it would be like to have them back. This remix adds incredible backing vocals from Blackstreet and adds more hip-hop flare (curtesy of Timbaland) to it that takes it to another level.
11) What Have You Done For Me Lately (Grammy Awards ’87)
There was a ton riding on this performance and a lot to prove. The narratives were she is just Mike’s little sister, she is over hyped and overall a lot of doubt from critics. In this version Janet, Jimmy and Terry add incredible live instrumentals that make this song even more commanding and weighty. Janet completely owns the attitude of the son, interlopes her own song Nasty’s beat, adds a slow section and then completely picks it up again. The performance and production is an absolute master class of Janet’s artistry as a performer and musician. Janet crushed any doubters of who is “in control”.
10) Love 2 Love
In my opinion this song is the best deep cut of her career and the best sex / slow jam song of her career which is filled with many legendary ones. The beat is perfectly dramatic and suspenseful. Janet’s vocals are perfectly breathy and powerful. She details how her lover is giving her the most satisfying sex of her life and how nothing get she higher then loving this person and them loving her back. This is a victory lap from a master of creating baby making music.
9) Got ‘Til It’s Gone
In an incredibly rare move Joni Mitchell approved her song being sampled by Janet after she reached out to Joni about her being such a huge fan, the impact her music had on Janet & playing the song for her. It was the first single off the record with production that took parts of pop, hip-hop and R&B to make this infectious beat. It is about the regrets Janet has about the one who got away and not taking for granted anything she has in her life, including the good and bad things.
8) Go Deep (Vocal Deep Disco Dub)
In this groovy funky R&B track it talks about Janet’s desire to just go to club, pick up a man and bring him home because she is feeling herself tonight. When asked about this song Janet said, “Dancing is therapy, I love writing and singing songs that make you move, lift your mood and take you out of yourself. There are times when I call up my friends and say, `Hey, we gotta go dancing tonight.' (We Go Deep) is about getting ready, getting down and tripping out on pure fun”. It takes a lot for a song to keep my interest, especially when they are over 8 minutes long but this remix accomplishes the rare feat of feeling like it ends too soon. It picks up the pace, adds more instruments and overall makes it into an infectious club bop. It is easy to see why Janet included this as one of the few remixes on the deluxe edition of The Velvet Rope.
7) What About
This song is all about the pent up rage Janet had about previous romantic relationships gone wrong and finally addressing the anger they caused. It starts off beautifully representing the good times and then EXPLODES into this cathartic chorus calling out how her partner cheated on her and was emotionally & physically abusive to her. Janet explains: "We all have relationships somewhere in our past where we were wronged-deeply wounded-and didn't have the guts to face the issue. We were scared to confront the person who did the hurting. We stuffed the pain. Well, if we're going to get on with our lives, the pain has to faced. And the result can be explosive anger."
6) Love Will Never Do (Without You)
The seventh single off of the album. It was written by Jimmy Jam & Terry Lewis, with production by them and Janet Jackson. It was one of the first songs recorded for the album and was intended to be a duet with either Prince, Johnny Gill or Ralph Tresvant. Janet recorded the first verse in a lower octave as a place holder and then went an octave higher on the second verse to hear what a male would sound on the song, but they ultimately just kept it in. The song is about dedication to making her relationship work with somebody, despite her friends not thinking it could work or last. The song went #1 on the Billboard Hot #1 and was the #1 song on the Airplay Hot 100 for 7 consecutive weeks making it the longest-running airplay number one single at the time.
5) Miss You Much
This song was written by Jimmy Jam & Terry Lewis; along with production done by them and Janet. The song was inspired by a letter written to Jimmy Jam from one of his ex-girlfriends who signed it with "Miss You Much". The song details the pain, desperation and mixed feelings somebody has when they reflect on an old lover. It truly is a shameless attempt to try and win somebody back. Janet's vocals soar over the funky hard hitting production and really sells the lyrics of the song. In my opinion it is one of Janet's biggest ear worms! This song was Number #1 on the Hot 100 for 4 consecutive weeks (making it the longest running #1 single of 1989), along with reaching #1 on the Dance Club Songs chart & Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs chart. The song was the 2nd best-selling single of the entire year and was the biggest radio hit of the year. It sold over 4 million copies worldwide, along with being certified Platinum in the US. (Janet is infamous for never updating her certifications but that is a story for another time...). Miss You Much received 2 Grammy Nominations, won a Billboard Award for the Top Hot 100 Single of the Year and won 2 American Music Awards.
4) You
This track is this ferocious groovy electronic dance song about all of us having to confront the fictitious versions of our lives. When discussing the song Janet said, “Those versions need to be challenged, because ultimately we have to take responsibility for ourselves-where we've been and where we're going”. Janet melts the listeners face with this deep voice that we have not heard up until this point, to really add anger & power to what she is singing. She fearlessly scrutinizes herself telling us (and herself), “You can’t hide from you… You gotta mean what you say You gotta say what you mean Tryin to please everyone Sacrifice your own needs Check in the mirror my friend No lies will be told then Pointin the finger again You can't blame nobody but you” This proves to us once we have entered Janet’s velvet rope she is not holding back, she bravely takes accountability for being the only one in control of your life & your own happiness which is incredibly personal, but manages to have a universal message we can all apply to ourselves.
3) If
Omg where to even start to talk with this song. The production that masterfully somehow combines new jack swing, industrial, dance pop, hip hop, rock and R&B to create something so innovative and progressive? Janet’s incredible vocal delivery over incredibly hard melodies? The iconic breakdown and choreography? The unapologetical interest in voyeurism Janet expresses in the song’s lyrics? How a 2007 study declared the music video for this song “influence(d) a higher degree of sexual freedom among young women” and how it was responsible for influencing the surge in the 90s of women aged 18-24 who said they had received oral sex from a man? The legacy and impact it had on generations of future pop stars and music videos as a whole? It was and still is an absolute trail blazing song that truly was a cultural reset.
2) New Agenda
To the casual fan it might surprise them the song that best tackled social justice is not even on the Rhythm Nation 1814 album, but the album that followed after it janet. On this track Janet created a black feminist anthem that has stood the test of time and is incredibly relevant to today. The production is urgent sounding, has beautiful instrumentals and is among my favorites of any song in her entire career. Janet details how black people have their history hidden from themselves, how systemic racism tries to rob black people of their humanity, how she heard no too many times because of her race and gender, how she learned to “stand tall with pride [as an African-American woman]” and featured the rapper Chuck D which was incredibly rare at the time and one of the earliest instances of a pop star featuring a rapper on their song. Janet ends with a rallying cry of “wanting black people to rejoice because it is our time after all that we have been through” to create a new agenda that works for and empowers them.
1) Together Again (Radio Edit)
Originally made as a ballad about the friends she has had that died due to AIDS, Janet decided to make this song more up-tempo. Janet said this when asked about the song, “I don't believe in the finality of death. I wanted to write about friends who have died of AIDS, but without being mournful or sad. I wanted to celebrate their spirit. I'm pleased that Together Again is just that-a celebration, a confirmation that the energy of love will never die”. Janet had to fight incredibly hard against her label to feature this song on the album because they didn’t think it was good idea & too risky of a concept. The song features incredibly production that really captures the sound of celebrating the life of a loved one. It has this perfect balance of sweetness that heals your hurt, but still gives you a lump in your throat. It is my number one song because it encapsulates everything I love and admire about Janet Jackson; fearless forward thinker, risk taker, her deep caring for people, ability to flawlessly create a catchy & danceable song and make people feel comforted & understood through her art.
Playlist I have created a Spotify Playlist for the 46/50 songs available on streaming and provided clickable youtube links above in The List to the 4 songs not on streaming.
Further Reading You can find and read all my Janet Jackson write ups here <3 which include:

Thanks Thank you to Popheads for being a constant source of motivation and home for me to share my passion for writing and discussing Janet Jackson. It means the world anybody reads what I write, engages with it and even sometimes learn something <3. Special thanks to joshually and mylps9 for lighting the fire under my ass to actually follow through on doing this.
This is the most time I have ever spent on any of writings due the days worth of prep to form the list; surpassing my proudest writing project the breakdown of the entire Rhythm Nation 1814 era for it's 30th anniversary.
Hope you enjoyed and can't wait to read your thoughts <3
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2020.08.17 10:03 SpookyGen13 Voyeur cheating wife

I posted this once before but i feel like this belonged here. So this is hard for me, cause in my head this is some tragic thing... but it may not be, i guess you decide.
First off let me give you some context. Ive always had issues mentally and growing up my father was a pedophile and i had sexual trauma fron a voyeur as a child, as well as by two men when i was in high school. Once on the school bus, and once in a classroom, and no it wasnt movie day. He just went for it.
I knew i had ptsd, and ive been diagnosed with OCD, Bipolar, Anorexia, and ADHD. All i definitely do have to varying degrees.
I add this to show you how i was already a bit "sick" to begin with. It was the reason for the one time we broke up because i "emotionally cheated" on him. It was hard for me to control myself because of my past trauma. Its not an excuse, just a reason. He worked seven days a week about a month into me moving in and i was lonely, and being abandoned or feeling so is a big trigger for me. I never touched or even kissed anyone else, just soaked up the attention he wasnt giving me.
We split but ended up back together since we still lived together. So he had always been a work in progress... he is beautiful, kind, smart, and a good soul. He always sees the best in people even when im so cynical. We used to go dancing, we would go to bars and events, raves and the like. We would travel to eugene oregon and in humbolt ca to do all the fun stuff. We were truly happy, having fun and working on ourselves.
Then as i got older and turned 27, i began to change... my bipolar 1 which was hardly apparent before suddenly got worse... i became a tottaly different person. My parents tried to seperate me from my BF and i think it triggered my disorder cause i flipped... and after that... well... like i said i became someone else.
I was really up and down, hitting such extremes that i would sit on the ground and slam my head against the floor until i was dizzy. I would smack myself repeatedly in the face until i bruised myself. Then the pandemic hit...no more dancing... no more having fun with the one person i truly felt in love with. No more of the fun we had.
Truth is... i didnt mind at first... it was him...he felt apart... he became depressed... that interaction was what he needed to be happy and support me and my disorder. I can also say he has some undiagnosed issues like ADHD that cause him to already struggle mentally.
I was still doing relatively okay at this point, but then the riots happened. Being a mixed race, it really ate me up inside... and i could no longer help him mentally... and he couldnt help me. My mood swings, rage, and self harm got worse. I would take a knife and stab toys, couches, even the shirt i was wearing i would stab and rip off me in a hulk like fashion.
Im going to say it again... i was very sick, and the problem with bi polar disorder as ive read in my many books, the mania keeps people from seeing how bad it really is cause they will just be happy again at some point. Its blinding so to speak. The week before he sent me away... we looked at new trailer parks... we were planning on moving.
The week before he kicked me out i had told him im going to stop drinking every day(i had been for about 3 months cause of the pandemic and riots making my depression bad). We talked about it a bit and he said it was a good idea, and so i detoxed... in a pandemic... with increasingly bad bipolar 1. He wasnt being supportive so much those last few days... thats part of why i snapped i think. Whenever i got anxious he did this fake im gonna hit myself motion... he was mocking me... and i was trying to detox and get better.
When i struggled to not drink he said well i did this so you can do that. Im not saying what it is, but it was an addiction and it was causing him mood swings as well. He just wasnt supporting me on it and it hurt my feelings alot. This was the meanest id ever seen him, it was a bit out of character.
I have to say he was hurting before this... his family is not good to him... and his friends just betrayed him recently. He even said a day or two before it blew up that he wanted to die... so i knew he was hurting inside.
So as i detox, i realize... i drank all my money... i couldnt afford my phone bill... i flipped the fuck out... and i told him things i had been holding in for a long time, he was nice at first... then i showed him a living will i wrote... He tried calling and i ignored it... I told him i was going to kill myself the next day, and that if he needed anything to let me know, and that i would clean the whole house before i went. It was a bluff... it was a living will... not a suicide note.
The cops showed up and took me in for a psych eval. I ended up sitting in there scared as shit and half crying for about 2 hours.
I needed help, i know, that's why i wasn't that upset about the psych eval. I was upset yeah but knew i needed help so i was pretty open to the doctors. I just hate hospitals cause i dont like getting stuck there, which is exactly what happened.
Finally the doctor shows up and makes an appointment with me to see someone the next day. She also talked to my bf who she said was very sweet and sounded like a good guy. She told me he took the night off to take care of me.
I was happy, and he came to pick me up. He didnt hug me or anything and i was just wanting to go home. He drove in the opposite direction of our trailer park and i asked him where we were going. He told me the beach and i felt him look at me a few times but i was a little mad and alot tired from that experience. He pulls up at the beach where there is an overlook and we get out. He walks me uo to the top and offeres me a seat. He asks if i had anything to say and i said no.
He said you know this is psychological abuse right and i said dude i just tried, wanted to kill myself and your telling me that. He said i dont think we can be together right now, i think we should be friends. I said you brought me to a cliff to break up with me and i just wanted to kill myself. You must want me to kill myself.
I ran towards the railing and even though i was bluffing he still somehow had time in all my yelling to press 911 on his phone, letting the cops hear all my bluffs...they didnt know me though. I said fine, ill just walk home. So i started heading home and he drives up beside me and tells me to get in. I said i only get in with my bf and he said fine... get in... and i get in.
He then dumps me again i started screaming and ripping my hair out. I say let me out of this car, let me out out.
I had my hand on the handle and he thiight i was going to open it. I wasnt but he still had 911 on the ohone so they thought i was going to jump out. My bf put his arm over me, i said fine take me back to the hospital... he said no... and i cried and said just take me home so i can go smoke and drink. Take me home. He argues saying didnt you want to go to the hospital and i said no just take me home.
We roll up to my house and whos there? The cops... I jump out and he asks me whats up then tells me that he heard everything on the phone. I look at my bf and say how could you, how could you do that to me... my bf looks at the other cop and says there has been a pattern of this...
I was defeated... if he had just taken me to that appointment the next day... things would have changed for the better. I would have gotten on meds. When i was in the hospital i kept calling him... he wouldnt pick up.
I called my coworker who called him and she told me that my parents were picking up my stuff and that ill be moving back in with them. Its been 2 months and ir still hurts to talk abiut this. The psych ward messes with your brain and made me paranoid for some time. I know i wasnt a perfect gf... but i still feel like he did me dirty.
submitted by SpookyGen13 to SuicideWatch [link] [comments]


2020.08.17 09:56 SpookyGen13 Voyeur wife cheating

So this is hard for me, cause in my head this is some tragic thing... but it may not be, i guess you decide. Alot if peoplein my town have no idea what happened and just assumed that my bf and i split up, so i havent gotten to really tell my story too much, and it haunts me every day.
First off let me give you some context. Ive always had issues mentally and growing up my father was a pedophile and i had sexual trauma fron a voyeur as a child, as well as by two men when i was in high school. Once on the school bus, and once in a classroom, and no it wasnt movie day. He just went for it.
I knew i had ptsd, and ive been diagnosed with OCD, Bipolar, Anorexia, and ADHD. All i definitely do have to varying degrees.
I add this to show you how i was already a bit "sick" to begin with. It was the reason for the one time we broke up because i "emotionally cheated" on him. It was hard for me to control myself because of my past trauma. Its not an excuse, just a reason. He worked seven days a week about a month into me moving in and i was lonely, and being abandoned or feeling so is a big trigger for me. I never touched or even kissed anyone else, just soaked up the attention he wasnt giving me. We split but ended up back together since we still lived together.
So he had always been a work in progress... he is beautiful, kind, smart, and a good soul. He always sees the best in people even when im so cynical. We used to go dancing, we would go to bars and events, raves and the like. We would travel to eugene oregon and in humbolt ca to do all the fun stuff. We were truly happy, having fun and working on ourselves.
Then as i got older and turned 27, i began to change... my bipolar 1 which was hardly apparent before suddenly got worse... i became a tottaly different person. My parents tried to seperate me from my BF and i think it triggered my disorder cause i flipped... and after that... well... like i said i became someone else.
I was really up and down, hitting such extremes that i would sit on the ground and slam my head against the floor until i was dizzy. I would smack myself repeatedly in the face until i bruised myself. Then the pandemic hit...no more dancing... no more having fun with the one person i truly felt in love with. No more of the fun we had.
Truth is... i didnt mind at first... it was him...he felt apart... he became depressed... that interaction was what he needed to be happy and support me and my disorder. I can also say he has some undiagnosed issues like ADHD that cause him to already struggle mentally.
I was still doing relatively okay at this point, but then the riots happened. Being a mixed race, it really ate me up inside... and i could no longer help him mentally... and he couldnt help me. My mood swings, rage, and self harm got worse. I would take a knife and stab toys, couches, even the shirt i was wearing i would stab and rip off me in a hulk like fashion.
Im going to say it again... i was very sick, and the problem with bi polar disorder as ive read in my many books, the mania keeps people from seeing how bad it really is cause they will just be happy again at some point. Its blinding so to speak. The week before he sent me away... we looked at new trailer parks... we were planning on moving.
The week before he kicked me out i had told him im going to stop drinking every day(i had been for about 3 months cause of the pandemic and riots making my depression bad). We talked about it a bit and he said it was a good idea, and so i detoxed... in a pandemic... with increasingly bad bipolar 1. He wasnt being supportive so much those last few days... thats part of why i snapped i think. Whenever i got anxious he did this fake im gonna hit myself motion... he was mocking me... and i was trying to detox and get better.
When i struggled to not drink he said well i did this so you can do that. Im not saying what it is, but it was an addiction and it was causing him mood swings as well.
He just wasnt supporting me on it and it hurt my feelings alot. This was the meanest id ever seen him, it was a bit out of character. I have to say he was hurting before this... his family is not good to him... and his friends just betrayed him recently. He even said a day or two before it blew up that he wanted to die... so i knew he was hurting inside.
So as i detox, i realize... i drank all my money... i couldnt afford my phone bill... i flipped the fuck out... and i told him things i had been holding in for a long time, he was nice at first... then i showed him a living will i wrote... He tried calling and i ignored it... I told him i was going to kill myself the next day, and that if he needed anything to let me know, and that i would clean the whole house before i went. It was a bluff... it was a living will... not a suicide note.
The cops showed up and took me in for a psych eval. I ended up sitting in there scared as shit and half crying for about 2 hours.
I needed help, i know, that's why i wasn't that upset about the psych eval. I was upset yeah but knew i needed help so i was pretty open to the doctors. I just hate hospitals cause i dont like getting stuck there, which is exactly what happened.
Finally the doctor shows up and makes an appointment with me to see someone the next day. She also talked to my bf who she said was very sweet and sounded like a good guy. She told me he took the night off to take care of me.
I was happy, and he came to pick me up. He didnt hug me or anything and i was just wanting to go home. He drove in the opposite direction of our trailer park and i asked him where we were going. He told me the beach and i felt him look at me a few times but i was a little mad and alot tired from that experience. He pulls up at the beach where there is an overlook and we get out. He walks me uo to the top and offeres me a seat. He asks if i had anything to say and i said no.
He said you know this is psychological abuse right and i said dude i just tried, wanted to kill myself and your telling me that. He said i dont think we can be together right now, i think we should be friends. I said you brought me to a cliff to break up with me and i just wanted to kill myself. You must want me to kill myself.
I ran towards the railing and even though i was bluffing he still somehow had time in all my yelling to press 911 on his phone, letting the cops hear all my bluffs...they didnt know me though.
I said fine, ill just walk home. So i started heading home and he drives up beside me and tells me to get in. I said i only get in with my bf and he said fine... get in... and i get in.
He then dumps me again i started screaming and ripping my hair out. I say let me out of this car, let me out out.
I had my hand on the handle and he thiight i was going to open it. I wasnt but he still had 911 on the ohone so they thought i was going to jump out. My bf put his arm over me, i said fine take me back to the hospital... he said no... and i cried and said just take me home so i can go smoke and drink. Take me home. He argues saying didnt you want to go to the hospital and i said no just take me home.
We roll up to my house and whos there? The cops... I jump out and he asks me whats up then tells me that he heard everything on the phone. I look at my bf and say how could you, how could you do that to me... my bf looks at the other cop and says there has been a pattern of this...
I was defeated... if he had just taken me to that appointment the next day... things would have changed for the better. I would have gotten on meds. When i was in the hospital i kept calling him... he wouldnt pick up.
I called my coworker who called him and she told me that my parents were picking up my stuff and that ill be moving back in with them. Its been 2 months and ir still hurts to talk abiut this. The psych ward messes with your brain and made me paranoid for some time. I know i wasnt a perfect gf... but i still feel like he did me dirty.
submitted by SpookyGen13 to offmychest [link] [comments]