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2020.10.25 09:04 Etoile67gp How can I have BPD if I’m high functioning and behave like a chameleon?

Hi... first post in here. I’ve (M53) been diagnosed with C-PTSD/ severe depression but never BPD until yesterday. First appointment with a new psychologist and after a pretty long chat where I was divulging a lot of stuff I’ve kept from all my previous therapists, because I liked playing the chameleon with people, she told me straight away that I showed all the symptoms of having BPD. Now I live in France and BPD/C-PTSD are mental health issues that don’t get a lot of media attention. I’ve been previously diagnosed with C-PTSD having experienced lots of childhood trauma/ emotional neglect/ toxic narcissistic parenting/ arrested emotional development.
I guess you’d call me high functioning. I’ve no problem holding down a job, changing careers, being very good at what I do, socialising with colleagues, living on my own and bringing up/ looking after my kids. I’ve spent a lot of my life just doing things on my own and getting used to self managing everything. The issues I’ve also had are over sharing info with people i’ve just met, extremely impulsive behaviour such as going out and buying a car instead of grocery shopping, risky personal behaviour ( driving too fast, going away on the spur of the moment to race sports car on a circuit) mountain biking over rocky terrain and not giving a shit if I fall and break something, being too open honest and frank with people so I often end up provoking negative reactions. Hyper sexualised behaviour ( linked to previous one... obsessed with sex.... sleeping with 200+ SWs/ multiple hook ups on adult/SWs forums, cam girls, bdsm sex. ). Substance abuse spending all my time at university high on weed/acid/speed. Feeling unintelligent even though i obtained a graduate degree just by turning up on the day of my exams and remembering things I’d stored in my head. A history of heavy drinking and managing to keep it secret from family/ work colleagues. Intense feelings of never belonging anywhere, spacing out ( dissociation) during conversations, fear of emotional intimacy, wild mood swings which can last from several hours to several days, emotional attachment and abandonment issues, severe self blame and guilt, anxiety and panic attacks, flashbacks, nightmares, insomnia, creative highs when I can work 24h non stop with no rest/sleep and forgetting to eat/drink then periods when I’m absolutely empty of inspiration, boredom and feeling ‘empty’, eating disorders, huge emotional swings where I can go from intensely passionate/ loving/ joyful to feeling intense angerage and bitterness and keeping it all locked up inside, and being almost chameleon like in my ability to change my moods/body language/ way of talking depending on who I’m with. I’ve also seen too many therapists and psychologists to last a lifetime and each time I’d add on something, or remove something and try to put on an act and shape my answers depending on what kind of questions they’d be asking me, because I knew what answers they were looking for and what diagnosis they’d give me. I’ve no idea why the hell i kept doing that. I also withdrew physically and emotionally when I gave mood swings. ( deep attachment then feeling abandoned). I can extremely people pleasing one moment, incredibly stubborn and difficult the next. I love pleasing sexually my partners, be it my ex wife, SWs or submissives. I crave being sexually dominant in my intimate relationships ( I’m a Dom in D/s dynamics) and swing between wanting to please them first then inflicting/ giving them pain.
I’ve no idea what to do with this therapist’s diagnosis. I’m already seeing a psychiatrist and a sexologist. I keep changing my career plans and goals depending on how I feel. I can be extremely hard working then fall into the depths of apathy. Feeling thoroughly depressed since I genuinely want a better life. I want to feel good about myself and I can only feel that through addictive behaviour. It feels like I’ve been cursed with something I didn’t deserve. Something that’s made me different from everyone else. I really want to improve my life but I constantly feel like I’m weighed down and rooted to the spot like a ship with heavy anchors. Has anyone else felt the same and how did you deal with it?
submitted by Etoile67gp to BorderlinePDisorder [link] [comments]

2020.10.24 20:22 Significant-Ninja197 Live sex cams x

I had a great time with my new girlfriend, she was living in my country on a visa but now had to go back to her home country. We are now in a long distance relationship and we tried playing with ourselves trough Skype.
At first I thought it was harmless because I was conditioning my brain towards her but I relapsed hard on porn in between because I keep craving more. She knows about my problem but I miss her alot and I do enjoy seeing her naked.. . I like the cam sex but it feels like I'm watching porn and conditioning my brain to just watch.
I feel like I can only get rid of this addiction by focussing on real imtimacy and stop doing the cam sex, even if its with my girlfriend.
submitted by Significant-Ninja197 to NoFap [link] [comments]

2020.10.24 03:26 insurgente1917 Cams x sex live

WIthout any explanation or apparent causes, Winterhold became very, very crashy. I've done everything from disabling my recently installed mods (before all the crashy stuff), cleaning the master file, cleaning the save file, and many other things. Does anybody know what might have happened?
Here's my mod list:
Unofficial Skyrim Special Edition Patch.esp
Skyrim Project Optimization - Full Version.esm
RASS - Visual Effects.esl
Schlongs of Skyrim - Core.esm
FlowerGirls SE.esm
Blowing in the Wind SSE.esp
ELFX - Exteriors.esp
Blowing in the Wind - ELFX Exteriors Patch SSE.esp
Audio Overhaul Skyrim.esp
WARZONES - SSE - Civil Unrest.esp
Immersive Farms.esp
ELFX - Weathers.esp
Immersive Wenches.esp
Mortal Enemies - Rival Remix.esp
Jebbalon's Feeding Predators.esp
SexLab Cumshot.esp
VioLens SE.esp
RealisticWaterTwo - Keep It Clean.esp
iNeed - Extended.esp
Skyrim Revamped.esp
Immersive Sounds - Compendium.esp
Immersive Encounters.esp
Cutting Room Floor.esp
Skyrim Immersive Creatures Special Edition.esp
Enhanced Vanilla Trees SSE.esp
SOS - VectorPlexus Regular Addon.esp
RealNames - SSE Edition.esp
Volkihar Knight.esp
ELFX - NoPlayerHomes.esp
Populated Skyrim Legendary.esp
Immersive Hold Borders SE.esp
Vigilant Voiced.esp
Fort(ified) Dawnguard.esp
Moonlight Tales Special Edition.esp
Sleeved Imperials.esp
Guard Dialogue Overhaul.esp
Dynamic Outfits - Basic Version.esp
Immersive Weapons.esp
Keep It Clean.esp
Run For Your Lives.esp
More idle markers.esp
Yggdrasil Music.esp
Comprehensive Sleeves Pack.esp
Wildcat - Combat of Skyrim.esp
Schlongs of Skyrim.esp
Action Combat.esp
CMO - Witcher 3 - Northerner Diaries.esp
PC Head Tracking - MCM.esp
Optional Less Combat Music.esp
PC Head Tracking - Patch.esp
FIO-ISC Patch.esp
FIO-AOS Patch.esp
NarrativeLoot Complete.esp
Dawnguard Sentries SE.esp
Hunterborn - Leather Tanning.esp
Hunterborn - Soups and Stews.esp
Hunterborn - iNeed Patch.esp
Hunterborn - Campfire Patch.esp
Keep It Clean - Distinc Interior Patch.esp
Immersive Patrols II.esp
JUSTICE - City Exteriors.esp
Bells of Skyrim.esp
A Lot More Idle Marker.esp
Armor of Intrigue.esp
Dynamic TimeScale.esp
EconomyOverhaul LV - CuttingRoomFloor Patch.esp
FlowerGirls SE - IW Patch.esp
Gold To Septim.esp
Immersive Speechcraft.esp
dD-No Spinning Death Animation.esp
Simply No Fast Travel.esp
EconomyOverhaul LV - Missives Patch.esp
AnimatedEating_Coffee Patch.esp
Keep it Clean - Hunterborn Soaps Patch.esp
NarrativeLoot Complete - Keep It Clean.esp
SDA-AA Patch.esp
Imperious - Races of Skyrim.esp
ELFX Fixes Ragged Flagon Fix.esp
Ordinator - Perks of Skyrim.esp
Sacrosanct - Vampires of Skyrim.esp
Alternate Start - Live Another Life.esp
Immersive Citizens - AI Overhaul.esp
Relationship Dialogue Overhaul.esp
Castle Volkihar Rebuilt.esp
JKs Skyrim.esp
Diversity - A Character Overhaul.esp
ELFX Fixes.esp
Serana Dialogue Edit.esp
Serana Improvements & Fixes.esp
EEO CRF patch.esp
EEO Imperious patch.esp
EEO OpulentThievesGuild patch.esp
Immersive Horses.esp
Relationship Dialogue Overhaul - Immersive Horses Patch.esp
Immersive Wenches -Immersive Citizens AI Overhaul Patch-.esp
Bells of Skyrim - ICAIO Patch.esp
RDO - CRF + USSEP Patch.esp
RDO - USSEP Patch.esp
Realistic AI Detection 2 SE Lite.esp
Scarcity SE - Less Loot Mod.esp
Scarcity SE - 2x Merchant Item Rarity.esp
Scarcity SE - 6x Loot Rarity.esp
submitted by insurgente1917 to skyrimmods [link] [comments]

2020.10.21 01:01 WitchCulture Sex cams live x

So I work for a security company and am contracted to be at a building where a different company works. It’s just me security wise and then an office with the other company in it. The manager is a gay male and I am a straight male, and after a while of working there I got a friend request on Facebook, and a follow on Instagram and then he asked for my Snapchat (which I gave to him fearing that if I didn’t I would face retaliation.)
The way things went were I would get messages on Facebook with a message that got unsent, followed by “lmao sorry hopefully that deleted lmao.” I didn’t see what was sent so I said that. He replied “oh good lmao.”
Then after not responding I got another message a day later with a message that got unsent again and another saying something out of the blue along the lines of “nah bro she’s wild lmao and getting crazy on here and I figured I’d share the wealth bro”
This was followed by “wtf Facebook I didn’t mean to send that to you I hate Facebook.” That was at 1am. Later in the day another saying seriously dude idk what’s up I meant to send that to my buddy not you lol. But the next day, I get ANOTHER message, saying “she’s on webcam right now if you wanna check it out etc etc you know I’m game and she’s wild.” And then “whoops sorry meant to send that to my buddy. But honestly whatever, this is between bros if you wanted to check it out I wouldn’t care.” I didn’t respond
This continues, so I will spare the actual dialogue, but I get hit up again with what’s up and I respond I’m chillin and he says same watching my friend on webcam she wants me to reach out to people I guess that’s her thing etc. then asks black and white if I want to watch and I say no. He says okay figured I’d ask. Then we exchange some pg rated memes and he send me one from a porn video. One of those “you’re so tight fuck” type memes. Then another meme relating to sexual conduct. I stopped replying.
I continued to get about 100 or so messages like “wyd, I got some stuff for you bro” etc “it’s a good day for a chill sesh” “yo” “what’s up” etc etc etc. atleast a hundred and I never respond. Constantly harassing me to watch porn or webcam videos or sending and I sending messages then saying my bad, you probably wouldn’t have minded it though. He had never sent any links so this was all just suggestive. But don’t worry it gets worse. That’s all just over Facebook. And from his direct profile. Not including the “private chat” he set up on Facebook messenger. That has since disappeared and I have all of this on a hard drive and I believe I have it all on there screenshot wise but everything was similar in subject matter.
Snapchat was short lived. He added me and sent me wyd you down to watch this video bro etc and I quickly unadded which I actually was confronted by him in person about. I made light of it. He would even sometimes message me from his desk asking me what’s up when we are literally 30 feet from eachother.
But Instagram is where it really went down. The messages were more frequent and more aggressive / direct. “She’s wild and sending me some shit, you want me to send it to you? She said I could share with friends and you’re super chill so I figured I’d share the wealth. Stays between bros.” Also asking me “when you get off work let me know if I can send you some shit” and one time I responded like oh my bad I didn’t respond I was showering and he said “I could’ve sent you some shit for the shower bro lol.”
But one day, I get a video. And it’s of him filming his laptop of a woman undressing on web cam. Then another of a woman touching her vagina and fingering herself on webcam. I screen recorded and then he unsent. Then shortly after asked if I liked it and what I thought and that she was a freak etc etc. another video here and there, more pressuring messages. Even one where he said “I saw you screenshotted bro I hope you liked it Atleast” And it doesn’t stop for weeks and I get multiple messages a day just on Instagram alone. Coming into work is so awkward but he acts like nothing is different. Has referenced sex multiple times at work and has done everything except for physically assault me sexually. I haven’t acted on anything legal wise because I like my job and it pays well and I can’t afford to be out of work. I haven’t contacted my HR because I don’t know what’s going to be done. I don’t want to be moved sites but more so would like to get something in return in the forms of paid time off or other monetary value. If that’s not an option I would atleast like justice so no one else has to go through this in the future if they aren’t already.
What are my options legally? What outcome do you think this might have and what can be done for me? What steps should I take? I’ve never had a lawyer or gone to court.
TLDR: my manager at work sends me messages asking if I “want to get in on this freaky stuff” which is a girl he knows on webcam. He messaged me inappropriate memes that were sexual, and messages me multiple times a day on several platforms. He eventually sent me a video of porn from his computer screen of his friend on cam. Basically taking my no thank you answer and throwing it out the window eventually making me virtually forced to watch sexual content. I don’t know what to do about it. I am male and so is he.
Edit: I live in the Portland metro area in Oregon
submitted by WitchCulture to legaladvice [link] [comments]

2020.10.20 14:33 my_name_is_rik humiliation advise / public alternative

Me (40m sub) and my partner (39 f domme) have slowly been playing and getting to the scene, we have someone restraints, and outfits.
So far my punishments have been these.
I'm locked in chastity after we have sex until she says otherwise
I had to run around my back garden 5 times wearing nothing but panties (my garden is overlooked)
Stand facing a wall with panties on and a blindfold listening to baby shark on repeat for an hour and live stream from my ip cam to her while she was at work.
She is going to gunge me at the weekend with a ton of food stuffs. Blitz up some sprouts and peas of which I dislike both, and make me drink it before I'm allowed back in the house.
We are after more reward/punishment ideas, to maybe put on a decision wheel.
I have always fancied public humiliation in my pink sissy outfit or maid's dress, but recently seen posts that public is a bad idea due to lack of consent.
Are there any other alternatives to publish humiliation
submitted by my_name_is_rik to BDSMAdvice [link] [comments]

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submitted by welove_CamStarz to BestFreeAdultCams [link] [comments]

2020.10.18 04:35 Mansbian Red flags or am I (29f) being insane over my (30f) girlfriend and our relationship in general (long) ?

We've been together for a little over two months...we're both foreigners from the same country living abroad meaning that we probably have some sort of emotional hole due to being distant from family and friends. That said, first time we went out it was a pretty good night that ended up in sex, next morning she goes like "hey don't fall in love it just want something casual" -- "but idk sometimes I fall in love myself and wanna be exclusive, by the way, next weekend I'm hanging out with someone else ". Up until that point I was ok with it. Even when she started telling me a whole sexual tale she has had a few days before switching countries, one in which she's slept with several different men in one single week (including one that was married).
Anyways given all that I still liked her, her sincerity made me feel secure I guess .
Few days later after she went to see the other guy I realized I was so jeolous and liked her so the next time we meet I position myself ;
"Hey this is our goodbye ok, I like you and I can't live with knowing you hang out with other dudes"
To which she answers;
"Please don't I will be only with you from here on now"
Now, I have been looking for someone to be a "partner" for a while now, to split bills and live together so I was quick to throw in the idea "how bout we live together and save some money to travel the world" -- I made the same proposal to a previous girl I was hanging out with but she happened to drink too much so I just ended it.
Thing is at the time I invited her in, I wasn't that much in love I mean I liked her but not that much. Meaning that I wasn't scared of being hurt or anything .
And then we started dating and even tho we defined the terms of our relationship I still couldn't totally trust her. I don't know, the detached manner in which she spoke about her sexual encounters made me uneasy -- specially cuz it's hard for me to be that detached.
So I voiced my insecurities to which she was very nice in trying and making me feel secure -- "I will respect you because that's what we agreed upon"
I noticed that she doesn't care much about the sexual thing as in if I cheated on her she wouldn't care as long I remained by her side.
So far, a few things she said stuck with me tho :
"I am abusive and manipulative but I'm also submissive"
At the time I didn't care much about it. But then after a couple weeks together she starts asking me a lot of favors (she doesn't speak the local language ) like buying things from the web, helping her fix her bike, helping her pay stuff (not financial help just guidance) going with her to the mall -- as if trying to get close to me. So I figure she considers asking for favors and getting people to do shit for her as manipulation/abuse ... Anyways. I've been abused before and I don't think that's abusive. After a while I voiced that the amount of shit she was asking me was making me a bit angry to which she adjusted and stopped asking me so much shit. So far so good ?
Anyways at this point I'm totally in love with her and still fucking paranoid Everytime she hangs out without me. Now I'm always telling her bout that and she always try to calm me down.
One month later we are already living together me she and her sister (whom btw is moving back to our home country in december ) -- the only reason she's staying here is because she met me -- says she wouldn't be able to be here by herself.
A few things that made me uncomfortable regarding our thing;
-- the fact that she said "I'm evil" -- said "4 of my boyfriend's became depressed after me, I'm a mermaid and I'm so lovely that men tend to drown" -- one day I come back home early from work and catch her chatting with a FWB on cam (guy from our home country) I get really angry and threaten to move out, she then empties a full bottle of wine and pretend is almost drowning at the tub, cries for like half an hour and beg me to stay, simulates a fall and well a whole pile of drama. -- she's a feminist and a communist and is always talking things on such a subjective level that is hard to understand like "this and that is abusive and my ex was abusive and shit" and because she rarely specifies things like instead of saying "I don't want you to try and prohibit me from wearing my clothes" she goes like "I don't want a man that controls my life" and I never know exactly what she's trying to say. -- says that her interpretation of betrayal is me leaving her, that she thinks sexual cheating ain't much of a big deal -- was married before me and althought the marriage ended , she is still married in law and never deleted her wedding day album on Facebook (marriage ended a couple years ago). Right at the beginning she said her ex husband was the love of her life forever. I ignored it. She still keeps a picture of her ex in her wallet. -- speaks openly about her sexual endeavours to anyone willing to listen -- I mean any- fucking- one. She might have stopped now that we're dating but I know for a fact that she used to do that a lot.
Now those are the things that bother me and most of it she already knows , she's a kind girl overall , caring , works, treats her sister well and went way out of her way so that we could be together . We've been speaking of long term plans even tho were still so early in the relationship.
The reason I'm posting is because last night as they (she and her sister m) were talking about some travel plans (one she already stated I can't go with because it's their thing) they started to speak really low almost whispering as if I wasn't supposed to listen and at some point I've heard "is he in the kitchen?" Referring to me as in "carefully he's close talk low". I'm almost certain a male friend of hers is going on this trip and they're hooking up her sister (who has a boyfriend back in our home country btw) to this other dude...I confronted her about it last night and I think she somehow tried to avoid answering...
"Is someone else going with you guys "? "What? Who would be going with us?" "Who else do I know in this country ?"
Then I finally said "you said everything but no"
As I kept my hand she goes "if you can't handle me then just lemme know soon"
Now perhaps the cherry on the cake was when last week she said, out of the fucking blue " you love me more than I love you, it doesn't mean I don't love you but you just love me more...are you ok with that?"
On top of it all back in our home country she's way higher than me in terms of social class...she has a pdh her father is a general manager for Honda and I'm a high school drop out and have nothing.
I don't know sometimes I feel she's just using me to stay here in the country because I speak the local language and she needs somebody to count on the same In the past week it feels almost as if she's trying to force a breakup but is unable to do it herself. She's really scared of direct confrontation and it's been evidenced in a couple situations before...
Not to mention something that I've probably ignored before was that she used to have a boyfriend back in our home country and just "forced" an end without ever telling it was a break up stay with me.
There's a chance I've been blinding myself to a lot of things perhaps I just let my ego take the best out of me....maybe the loneliness of being abroad does that to people ? Or maybe am being insane and paranoid over nothing ?
submitted by Mansbian to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

2020.10.15 19:56 melixxa Sex x cams live

Hey guys, need some advice. Here's some backstory.
Boyfriend, let's call him Joe, and I have been dating for around 6 months. I assume we both like each other quite a bit and I genuinely believe that he's a good person.
At the very beginning of our relationship, 6 months ago, I saw Tinder on his phone while sitting next to him. I asked Joe why he uses Tinder and his answer was to meet new people. At the moment, I dropped it but later on, during a conversation on the topic, I told him it bothers me and he apologized, saying he understands and that he will delete it.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago, It came to my attention that he follows random girls on Instagram who live in our city. Because of Joe's past use of dating apps, I brought it up and he said he just follows random girls on suggested because he thinks they're attractive. Okay, not so suspicious but I kept this in the back of my mind. Sometime later, I noticed on Joe's Playstore that Tinder and OkCupid had been downloaded and deleted. FYI, I saw this because we use each other's phones and I needed to download an application on his phone. He denied using it and explained that he doesn't know why that happened. In the meanwhile, he is still following random girls on IG.
I was not convinced, and one day, while he was sleeping, I looked through his application download history. To my surprise, I saw at least 10-15 'dating apps' and the likes download then deleted through various intervals since June. I told Joe and he initially denied it, then confessed telling me that the reason why he uses such apps is that he thinks porn is 'too fake' and that he uses these sex/dating apps to look at women's photos or videos to masturbate. I asked him if he talked to any of these girls, he said no. After later 'questioning' he also claims to have talked to around 10 girls. I checked out these apps and the girls are like amateur 'cam girls' who get paid in coins or whatever. But I do know that he has chatted with real girls in our city from regular dating apps like Tinder or OkCupid.
Joe expressed his guilt and apologized. He said he knows it's wrong but that it's like an addiction and he has unsuccessfully tried stopping before. This issue was discussed for 2-3 days. At times, he would freak out or get angry. Claiming that I should forgive him because he immediately forgave me for kissing my female friend when I was drunk a while back. Telling me he knows what he did is wrong but that "It's not that big of a deal and I don't think it's cheating. So I can't understand why you can't forgive me?" Backstory on me kissing a girl, as soon as I remembered, I told him what happened the next morning. I'm bisexual and we had discussed the idea of me fooling around with women before.
I don't think Joe actually met up with anyone and had sex or anything with these women.
My biggest problem is that this is a long-term thought out lie. If Joe was honest with me about this, it could have been discussed and solved. Now my head is fucked. I really like him but my trust is broken.
I'm not sure how to proceed and honestly, I'm just looking for some outside opinions and insight. What are your thoughts? What should I do? What would you do in this situation?
TDLR: 20-year-old boyfriend has been using dating apps and the likes behind my (22) back for a couple of months during our relationship. Idk how to proceed.
submitted by melixxa to relationships [link] [comments]

2020.10.15 18:53 filledfille Potential meta has Insecure GF (me) on the rocks

***UPDATED below
Tl:DR - I'm half of a Poly couple who haven't been able to open up for a long time. My partner started a flirtation with someone else recently, and I am deeply uncomfortable with how quickly things were progressing and worried for both my and my partner's emotional safety.
When I (F, 26, UK but American) started my current relationship almost seven years ago, I was happily poly. I had a very long-term girlfriend as well as my (still) boyfriend (M, 26, UK). My girlfriend had to move back to her home country due to a health condition, and we broke up so that she'd find it easier to date there. We still have a close relationship, but we're more like chosen family now than being girlfriends.
My boyfriend is a busy man with a very demanding job where his reputation matters for his career progression. We've had to move around the country several times due to his job, and I have chosen to put my career and further education to the side in order to support him. As a consequence, we've been a bit isolated since before Covid and we haven't really explored outside of each other for around four years.
In theory, we should be good at poly. We're both open about crushes and attraction. I've learned to not feel insecure about those. Still, I struggle to trust him to be fully honest. I know that he used to downplay his crushes so that I wouldn't feel insecure. I think I've managed to explain that I'd rather he be honest so I can feel what I'm going to feel and get over the insecurity, but it's hard to know if he understood. He is very kind, but his kindness sometimes leads him to do the wrong thing.
Recently, he has been flirting online with a cute American he met in a discord D&D role playing game. (I was also invited to this game but declined due to not wanting to be around some of the other participants who are known creeps.) Anyway, she's admitted that she has a crush on him. She's solo poly and aromantic. I initially assumed she probably just wanted to cyber or cam or something, which is no big deal. I was actually super excited for him, since he's been feeling lonely recently. Also, knowing him, he'd definitely tell me about the fun cyber times he'd have. It would be hot, and just harmless fun.
However, I feel like there is some dishonesty going on. Over the last week or so, he's been doing an awful lot of emotional labor for her. He spends every waking hour messaging her, even when he's at work. She's started asking him very personal questions about where we live and gushing about how much she loves the UK and misses it here (she spent a few months in the country as a kid). She added him on Facebook even though I was sure this would just be a fun discord thing, and she's sending him voice messages at all hours. The language used seems very courtshippy too, though I could just be projecting there. She's talking about how she trusts him to read her writing and trusts him with her kinks, and all sorts of other things... I know NRE is a powerful drug, but come on. This is very quick considering that they've only known each other for a month tops.
I'm concerned that when it fizzles, there'll only be a messy emotional situation left. She may be aromantic, but he absolutely is not. He's very emotionally driven, quick to fall in love, and it's easy for people to take advantage of him. He tries to put a straight face on it, but love and sex are not as easy for him to separate as they are for many people.
And, of course, I'm feeling insecure too, in a way I haven't before. A month ago, I was planning to propose to him. I've given up a lot for this guy. I've poured all my time and money into keeping him comfortable so that he can do his job. I'm athletic, well-educated, and good-looking, and we have decently matched sex drives and life values... I don't feel competitive towards her exactly. It's more that I'm painfully aware that I'm not the hot new thing. I firmly believe that no one person can be everything for someone else, there's always going to be some curiosity or some need that is left unmet.
I also think this gal is getting way too ahead of herself, and the fact that they haven't discussed any sort of relationship boundaries is really freaking me out. When I tried to talk to my partner about it, he made very reasonable noises, but I left the conversation feeling like I had somehow agreed to something I'm not comfortable with.
I don't know. Maybe I just need to wait and hope I'll naturally get over this. It's just frustrating. I wish I didn't care. I wish they were just cybering for fun, as I believed was the plan. Maybe I'm not poly. Maybe I'm just sexually open. And maybe I'm a selfish asshole.
***UPDATE My partner got home from work while I was still mulling over a lot of this. He could tell I was deep in some type of stew, so I showed him this post to sum it up.
He was very understanding, despite how melodramatic my post is. We talked for hours. He explained a lot of things to me that I hadn't fully understood before, and he listened when I talked about my concerns for his emotions, finally acknowledging that yes, he is a romantic person and that it would be a struggle.
He also reminded me of a time four years ago when a friend of his who wasn't friendly to me expressed a romantic interest in him and how I scuppered that situation by expressing my discomfort at the idea of him having a partner who wasn't friendly to me. When I said that, she declared they couldn't be friends any more and broke their friendship. My partner suffered greatly from losing this friend, and I felt terrible about it.
This reminder really drove home to me that my insecurity in this new case wasn't sexual or a worry of being "replaced", it was more that the girl he's flirting with has no interest in being friends with me, which I find insulting and uncomfortable. I'm still not sure why I feel that way, I'll have to think it over.
I will try to remind myself that if it makes me uncomfortable, that's my shit to deal with. If she isn't interested in being friends, that's her choice and I have to try to respect it. If I still can't deal with it after lot of reflection or my potential meta actually starts behaving in a hostile manner, at that point I may have to have a boundaries discussion with my partner. For now, at least, I should give her a chance to be neutral.
I also will try to accept that I can't know everything. I may want to, because I'm a nosy pervert and find sharing him kind of hot to be honest, but that's not really my business.
I will be looking into increasing my independent activities. Covid has put a damper on many of my usual hobbies, but maybe I can find a different hobby to entertain me.
My partner also wants me to join into a different tabletop role playing game both he and her are involved in... I'm not sure that would be a good idea right now, but I'll think about it.
Thanks for all the sound advice. These bad feelings will probably ebb and flow, but really, I'm lucky that I have a chance to ease myself into the role of potentially being the other end of a V in a relatively relaxed situation that doesn't have any additional complications yet.
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Yo. Guys. I’m literally having a panic attack thinking about doing this zoom talk in a month. It shouldn’t be a big deal. But. I am. I have to talk this out and write it out so I can think properly. Sorry if it is hard to read and doesn’t make any sense. I’ll probably delete or not even post. so... Anyway here’s some background info :
I’ve been PIMO for a long time - but not fully... like that teetering on the edge. When my friend was wrongfully disfellowshipped- that’s when it broke me. When I was PIMI I always questioned but had faith. But I was also severely depressed to the point of being suicidal, severe anxiety and perfectionist syndrome. Since being PIMO (“turning in time”, tuning into meeting with out cam, but haven’t been to a service meeting and “gone in service” since I honestly don’t remember....) I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been... I haven’t been depressed, I’ve been making new friends out of the borg who are AMazing people, haven’t had a migraine in forever (was chronically ill 4-7x a week with one), marriage improved (my husband is PIMO with me. He’s been checked out for a while but we never discussed that we don’t full agree with the BORG.... until now! Quarantine let us discuss things and fade away), sex improved, finances improved, enjoying work and work friends, smoking weed and not being in chronic pain 90% of the time. I haven’t listened into a full meeting since April or May. Barely skimmed the convention. Didn’t even bother with the Circuit. I want to leave. I want to be rid of them all. Be with new genuine people with my husband.
But my family. I think I would kill them. If I left. I’m the only child of elderly parents whose health and finances are shit. I love my parents with my whole heart, but I’m seeing that they are toxic - even if they don’t mean to be - they are brainwashed to be. For JW parents- they are chill. They have been treated terribly And are isolated from the friends anyway even though their faith and more genuine than any of them. They are brainwashed and have their things but they didn’t force me to get baptized, they let my boyfriend(now husband) sleep over, they are the black sheep of the congregation... but they still believe. I don’t get how they are still in. I wish I could bring it up but it won’t go well. My family on my moms side is loving but brainwashed. They are the least toxic of the Congregation and truly think they are helping and in the right place. My moms into holistic health and alternative things like energy and what not. And the Most JW do not like that.
Friends—- I care about but not as much as my family. I feel responsible for them since if I left they would have no one. Friends I am tired of being judged and would be okay meeting new friends out of the borg I already have even tho I’m the weirdest one lol.
So back to anxiety... I am mainly anxious when it comes to the organization. Because I’m anxious to be perfect. And I have skirted the last few months without giving talks, just being a householder a few times which was fine because it wasn’t MY talk. But this time it is mine, and honestly I usually prepare great parts, but this is the first time I’ve had to do it PIMO for real. Like I’m not even sure I’m a Christian. (Sorry if that offends) I don’t know what I believe but I am so scared to harm my family. I could live with the guilt of leaving them, but I couldn’t live knowing that I am leaving them isolated all together because the cong isn’t even kind to them. Only a handful of people check in - MAYBE.
I know this all doesn’t make sense, and I sound crazy. But it just triggered me and I’m afraid of having to pretend and be unhappy depressed and chronically ill.
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