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Year from hell
Let me start by saying I never thought I would need to expose my self in such a personal and vulnerable way. It’s been about a year since I first realized I was a rape victim. Just like many others, it was by someone I trusted so much. After speaking with so many people that have also been in similar circumstances and knowing not one that got justice I felt so lost. I truly felt that it would be an open and shut case once I decided to move forward with charges. When I came to reality that it’s not that simple I thought I could just let it go. Something inside me as the memories and pain that I have suppressed for so long and being certain that I wasn’t the first or only, I realized my internal dialog has forced me to tell my story. No one should ever feel so alone. Hopefully I can be a voice to at least one other. Even better maybe it will inspire others to tell their story also.
Back story.
I moved to Toronto in 2016 and started working a male strip club. I met and befriend a man that was basically my type to a t. Dominant good looking arrogant and a military srgt We got along pretty good but also would butt heads often. I actually found him to be a bit of an asshole as did pretty much everyone we worked with, he had a way of making you see past it I guess.
A year later he ended up having a room available in his home. It was furnished in a nice neighborhood and the rent was great. Not to mention I found him very attractive so I thought why not.
I moved in and from the moment I arrived he was super welcoming. He made a smoothy and said I was welcome to anything in his home and was just all around nice. It was not at all what I expected being that he was not really that type at work and we flirted in an argumentative way often. I was so surprised by his behaviour that it was the first thing I raved about when mutual acquaintances would cautiously ask how living with him was.
The first day we hung out for a hour, he showed me around his place and I drank the smoothy and ate with him. I settled into my room which was on the first floor of his house. Maybe ten minutes later I crashed at the foot of my bed. Not at all uncommon for me though I thought as I’m known for passing out everywhere at anytime. I woke up suddenly about 1 ½ later after having really bad sleep paralysis like never before. Being someone who’s open to supernatural things I got sage and saged the place like crazy. He laughed at me after I told him. 🤦🏾‍♂‍
We got along great for the most part. Always flirting and “ joking” about having a three-way with another gay friend of ours. Never thinking that it would ever happen but still hopeful lol. Typical straight gay friend stuff for me. The part that always intrigued me is that he liked when I had dates over because according to him I would clean my room regularly lol. A few time he would knock on my door to see what I was up to and would peak over my shoulder to see what was “going on”. I would tease him and say I’ll leave the door open so he could watch next time. At some point during the time I lived with him I started sending him videos to which he never complained. I figured since he would come to my door when things were happening might as well give in to his curiosity. At the time I was ok with it.
On my birthday in 2018 I came home around 2ish after being out with friends. I told him earlier that I would be home early. Not that it should have really mattered in my eyes but I came home later. When I went up stairs to the kitchen he was sitting in the living room like a strict father. I was happy to see him at first because he was just in shorts and I secretly joked to my self, oh it’s my birthday and no one is home maybe this is the time. Instewd he asked what I did, and I said sorry I thought you would be sleeping. Then he said what did I tell you about leaving lights on. I was like” uh what??” in an angry tone he approached me and said “You left the bathroom light on in your room!” I was like “ok.. sorry”. I turned around irrated thinking to myself, why are you in my room to begin with. I walked to the patio, closed the door and sat down. As I was lighting my smoke he threw open the door and said. “I won't ask again.” Which I replied “Good.” He stepped out side and said. “Don’t you dare sass me.” I replied “ ok Dad.” With distain. Seemed like a lot of anger for a bathroom light but I didn’t read into it to much past him being his usual controlling self. I went to my room afterwards and text him to never speak to me like that ever again. He ran down from his room and demanded “meet me on the patio in 2 mins.” I replied “nope I’m good”. He demanded I do and I kept refusing to which he called me condescending names that someone who isn’t in control would. I went to bed and didn’t speak to him for a few days.. after this point I pretty much just kept to myself and stayed in my room. I shouldn’t have been surprised as he was always this kind of person when I previously worked with him but over all I still liked living there as long as I kept a distance.
After a few months I start feeling like something wasn’t right in the house. I would wake in the morning and feel like my room wasn’t the same or I remember thinking I had conversations with someone but couldn’t remember who or the details of what was said. On more than a few occasions I asked him if we chatted or if he had someone over the previous night. The answer would typically be that he had stayed at his parents or he was sleeping early the previously night, but generally that he wasn’t home. I just assumed that it was me being paranoid about being in the house alone. Most nights if he wasn’t home either his girl friend or the other roommate would be there if he wasn't so I just let it go. ( See text messages at the end)
One morning I woke up and I felt a bit groggy but nothing to out for the norm. I hadn’t gone out the night before but I had been working quite a bit on a cooking reality show during the week and an tv shopping gig on the weekends. So basically every day was 8 to 12 hours. This day I happened to have off so I attributed the extra sleep to catching up. The weird thing was, I was sleeping with my head at the foot of my bed. Even more strange there was “ body fluids” on the right side of my abdomen and rip cage. When I took my pants off to jump in the shower it was the same thing on my thigh… I thought to myself, 35 seems like an odd age for something like this to happen for the first time? The weirdest part is I felt like I was strangely clean externally in other areas, without going into details. That’s embarrassing enough to share but I don’t know how else to help paint a picture of my thought process.
Things got weirder after the first time I started feeling things were off. We had a door with a coded lock and an alarm code. I told him that I was worried someone was coming in. I asked if I could have the alarm code and if he would mind changing the door code. He kind of laughed it off as I guessed I didn’t ask with enough urgency. The feeling I couldn’t shake so I asked him multiple times the same thing. Each time more serious than the last. During this time I was convinced that someone was breaking in which I told him repeatedly. He gave the door code to friends and neighbours which being the only one two floors down from everyone else made me uncomfortable. Once I walked out of my room and the neighbour just walked in to the house after typing the code in. When I told him that made me uncomfortable he got agitated and said he trusted him. I told him I understood that but it wasn’t really my point. He just kept assuring me that no one was coming in but said he would change it. Never happened. Another thing that I always found very strange is that he would constantly accuse me of not locking the front door. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I lock the doors of even my friends condos when I enter. So much that people have complained to me about it.
Physical things got a bit worse in the weeks to come. Another morning I woke up for work. At this point I was still working about 5-7 days a week. I went to the washroom before getting ready for work. I had to go pretty badly. Not to be graphic but the only thing that came out was not what would expect and more than enough to be concerned. It freaked me out, but more than anything I was confused. Even worse I was notably swollen and torn. I started to lose it but didn’t have much time to process it as I had to be at work early and need to hurry and shower. I wish in had more time to process or realize the severity of what was quite possibly happening. I got to work and after finishing getting the contestants on the show I worked on ready, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I thought to my self, how could something so invasive happen to me without me waking up?? I'm a deep sleeper but within reason. I thought to myself, did someone drug me? I remember thinking I knew where to get at home drug test. That weekend I got it and hoped it would help me sort out what my mind couldn’t.
A week or so later I went to bed like any other night. At some point in the night woke up suddenly to a sharp pain in my ass. I was only awake for a brief moment but the pain was so severe that what ever happened to me previously was exacerbated so much that I was horribly torn. I remember being upright at the foot of my bed feeling a sharp pain. Looking back and seeing a white man standing behind me, I fell and hitting my bed and passing right back out. I woke up the next morning and I tried to pretend to my self that it wasn’t Alex, but I’ve always known it was. I didn’t put this in my journal for the longest time nor have I ever told anyone this quite frankly because I was ashamed that I never told anyone in the beginning. If I had only said this at the beginning would it have changed something? I really didn’t want to believe it was him for so long that I almost block it out. When ever this memory came up I would just supress it.
I secretly (since I didn’t want to lead on that I knew what was going on) started recording voice memos on my phone and IPad to try and sort out what was happening while I slept. I also had Alex to at the have the door sensor beep when the door opened. That was turned off after a few days..
On June 1st of 2019 I had a guy come over. While in my room after a few minutes, I heard my roommate come down the stairs and could hear him outside the door. A while later I walked the guy out locked the door and went to bed. At this point I wasn’t always recording myself sleep but something told me that this night I should. Sure enough something happened. You could hear someone coming down the stairs opening my bedroom door walking in over the plastic desk mat on the floor, opening some kind of bag. There was then a brief break followed by the sound of removing clothing and sexual things happen. I truly didn’t want to believe consciously that and I really didn’t want him to know that I was aware it was him. I knew that his gf was out of town for work and often if that was the case he would say that he would also leave. The next day I confirmed with him that he was home and when I asked if I woke him up he said “lol I wasn’t bothered”.
After reviewing the recording I in a round about way I asked him if he had tried waking me up. He said no? and that he would never just walk in my room while I was asleep. I laughed and reminded him that within the first few months of living there I had woken up to him on top of me to which I screamed and woke up. We attributed that to him thinking I had left and he was turning off my room heater. His girl friend and the other roommate later told me he was very embarrassed by that. So I brushed it off as nothing. Not to mention the whole issue with my bathroom light.
In the middle of June Alex and his Girl friend went to the Dominican for a vacation. Alex checked in and asked how things were going. I said I was good, and asked “how’s your trip.”He told something bad happened on the first day and that he would tell me when he returned. I asked if he was ok and he said he would explain later. That same night I did something specific that should be private. The next day he sent me a text in regards to the details of what I did. This kind of freaked me out and made me a bit paranoid. Keep in mind, I often shared with him the sexual things that I did, however this wasn’t typical for me nor did I even allude to this situation. Knowing what he did for work I thought, is he watching me? Does he have a camera at the door? He was pretty specific, is it in my room? His job out side of bartending we will get to later.
On Canada Day we hosted my two friends to watch the fire works. One happened to be a tenant at an apartment owned by Alex's girl friend. The three of us noticed that she was pretty quiet that night but the night was fun over all. A few days later Alex asked her to leave. Apparently what happened on their vacation a week prior was enough to break up. It was strange though, as they never fought when they got back and they would laugh and act as if nothing happened. I just assumed that whatever it was that happened specifically was no longer an issue. Wasn’t my business so I didn’t ask. Suddenly one day she was just gone.
The way he acted while she was gone was very strange. He would say overly affectionate things and was being way more attentive. We would often exchange massages and sometimes when he was sitting on the couch watching tv. I would lay in his arms and he would cuddle me. I just assumed he was sad since he was hurt by what had happened and maybe a bit more emotional than usual, which he never really showed otherwise. During this time he would always ask if my close gay friend would come by, pretty much every other day in fact. The same one that we already joked about having a three-way with. When he finally did come over we all just flirted as usual on the back patio off the kitchen. We talked about what we would do when the timing worked better. During that time we brought up a gay porn star, to which Alex knew exactly who he was by name and also mentioned a few gay porn sites that we were both very familiar with. We were a bit intrigued as too how he was so familiar. He responded by stating. I know a lot of things. The way he said it was kind of creepy but at this point knowing what he had done to me mixed with his new attention he gave had me like a pendulum. I went back and forth between wanting to catch him in the act of what he was doing to me to have him punished to wanting to know just for the fact of knowing and being curious about it. It wasn’t a long visit as Alex had to leave for work. We talked about meeting up again soon. At this point something made me feel like if we did something consensual together it would take away from the fact that he had already been doing whatever he wanted without my knowledge.
One day about a week after his gf had left, she returned with a friend I guess to pick things up. Alex had said if she ever comes back to tell him as she was banned from entering without him home. To be honest I thought that was ridiculous so I just didn’t acknowledge that she was there. The strange thing is a half hour later he asked if she stopped by. I said “yes I think she did. Did she call you.” He said no but she must have known his work schedule. I asked “ okay, but how did you know she was there?”He said “I just had a feeling she might need stuff.” I was a little tripped out as I already thought he might be monitoring the house in some way. It makes sense to think so given his job. At this point I just let it go as nothing.
During the time I had made plans to move to Spain. I was super excited as I had done everything in Toronto that I set out to do and the business I had my makeup studio in was being sold so I had to close. I also felt like I hadn’t been able to get any physical proof as to what had happened and to be quite honest, at this point I wouldn’t have been interested in pressing charges. When I told Alex my plans to move he seemed upset and told me he didn’t want me to leave. I said well if I ever come back I would see if he had space in his place again. Ever since going on a trip to Spain two years prior my heart was set. I had bought my ticket and set the wheels in motion to get my visa. I also told him im he should buy the salon my studio was in as an investment since the price was so cheap. He was interested and he asked to see it. After giving him a tour of it he told me that he didn’t really have time to own a me run this type of business but that if I didn’t leave he would buy it for me and that I could pay him back over time, but I had to stay. I told him that was very generous but my heart was set on moving to Spain. He said fine and that he was excited to have our other mutual friend move in anyway. I laughed and asked if he was trying to make me jealous based on how he phrased it. He just laughed and said he was joking. It kind of made me worried about my friend that was moving in, but based on how our friendship was building I must have rationalized his actions as my fault and as an isolated incident. He made me feel more and more as though we were good friends. Keep in mind this all progressed from the the moment I first asked him about waking me up the night that something happened in early june. Prior to that we talked and hung out far less. I realized later on, all this new found attention and show of friendship was just his was of trying to create a sense of loyalty to him. Very sociopathic, but hind site is 20/20.
Things while his gf was out of the house got stranger. I recorded my sleep nightly. I didn’t feel the need to review as much as I bought a camera and put it in my room in clear view. The first morning I had it there I caught him on camera coming in my room looking right into the camera and walking out. I’ll explain more about this later. Funny that he never came into my room…
One day we were on the back patio having a cigarette (this is typically where we hung out) he mentioned to me that a customer from Remintons’s would be coming over to have a drink and drop a gift they had bought for him. He asked me to stay in my room until he left, I started questioning more about him.
I asked him how he started his career working in the gay bars. He told me that after coming back from his time in the military deployed in Afghanistan that he wanted a way to make money and knew that it would be easy to get a bartending job in the gay world and make tips without much experience. Totally a fair statement and very true. He told me how the first place he worked was a gay monthy event that was kind of alternative and he made a ton of money working in his underwear. Turned out it was a gay sex party called Bober. From there he figured why not work at the strip club that we both bartended at together called Remington’s. He said he was banking so much money it was crazy. I’ve worked in gay clubs and also worked at Remington’s as a bartender. I didn’t understand how he felt like he made so much more money working at a strip club cuz I sure didn’t. I would say I would average 2-3 times more at a regular gay bar. I asked if that is why he was so persistent about getting a job at flash, a men’s private sex club that at the time he was working at. He said his gf suggested many times he come work at her bar but after ten years working with this crowd he knew how to make money in this environment. I said so you basically learned how to exploit gay people?” joking but more passive aggressively to be honest. He just said” I guess you could say that.” I went to my room and the man bearing gifts from Lululemon came over. He stayed for about an hour and then left. I was then free to leave my room.
By this time I was starting to realize the person I was beginning to trust even after what I knew he had done was hiding a lot. I had always known he loved attention be it male or female, old or young. That on its own means nothing really, but after all of this and him also having visitors over from the male sex club he worked at I had more questions.
I started worrying more about the fact that he was bringing people from that environment to the place we lived. Some of them he claimed to be quite close friends with. I was already worried about other people breaking into the house previously and knowing that he was close with patrons of the strip clubs didn’t make me feel any better. Especially since I knew he gave out the door code to his friends. I even started to think the worst types of things like was he possibly giving access to these people and knew that they were breaking into my room? Was he getting paid for this? I worked in that environment so I know how fringe some of these peoples interests could get. Now knowing that these people were bringing him gifts who knows what could translate too. Since I had no evidence to truly suggest that, I forced my self to stop thinking that extreme. Either way it would be him that’s responsible if that was the case.
One morning I ran into Alex in front of my room. He was cleaning the entry way rug and the front walk way. We had a casual conversation and at some point he popped into my room so I could show him the pull out couch I had rented from him had come apart at the base. I guess I must have mentioned it to him at some point as he brought it up, I actually don’t remember telling him as I was afraid to mention it, being that I was always worried about getting in trouble. When he walked in he made a very obvious point to mention the security camera which was at the end of bed and asked why I needed it. That bothered me for many reasons. 1 I know for a fact that he saw it in my room the day I set it up as I have him on camera looking right at it. 2 the fact that I had been complaining about my not feeling safe for so long and asking to change the door code, and three realizing that he had access to the camera footage at anytime if he wanted to. I mentioned all of these things to him. He swore he had never seen it and that he was never in my room. The weirdest part for me is that he mentioned that I hadn’t had anyone over for a long time. In my mind I was thinking we’ll that’s true. I haven’t more specifically because I hadn’t healed from the trauma my body had experienced. In fact it would be healing and then suddenly get worse over and over. It had been a couple months by this point. Looking back it should have been more of a strange comment to have him mention my sexual activity. As I said earlier though it wasn’t out of the norm to discuss these things.
In mid August I heard a recording of someone coming into my room. I could hear him removing clothes after dropping a bag on my floor. Shortly after I heard a woman’s voice pleading with Alex but using the name Xander, saying stop it and that I was clearly asleep. This went on for a few minutes. He told her that I wanted it and if she didn’t like it she could leave. The sound was mostly inaudable after that so I’m unsure whether or not she stayed or why the woman didn’t stop it from happening. The craziest part was this was the first time I knew it wasn’t only just him. I’m hoping that woman whomever she is sees this. To hear an actual conversation was really terrifing, however the video footage on my camera I had purchased was missing for the time period from when this took place. The camera was triggered by motion and would usually trigger every 30 seconds to minute with the slightest movement or sound. This terrified me as I realized that this wasn’t the first time that there was video footage unexplainably missing. At that point I realized that the video was being erased before I would even wake up. I didn’t even occur to me until months later but he had previously told me that he did monitoring of video and emails for the for the government. Investigating information for cases of people and groups under surveillance. That was when I first moved in. At this point in me living with him two years later, he changed his job description and dumbed it down, making it sound like he was just a person forwarding emails… whatever that means. He said he couldn’t go into much more detail than that. I knew that he was part of the military he was very mysterious to the details of his job within it.
Up until that point I was so torn. I couldn’t decide if I cared about what he was doing or not. Knowing that he was bringing other people was really the tipping point for me. I couldn’t figure out what that meant. Maybe I felt like it was my fault for always being so forward or maybe I didn’t mind as crazy as it seems. Looking back I guess it was I partially because I felt like we had become such good friends and I knew that if he was ever found guilty he would never be able to live a normal life and he would most likely go to jail, but relalistically that friendship only truly developed after my first accusation of him coming into my room. I literally balled my eyes out for what felt like forever. Hearing something and knowing someone had witness it and having confirmation of a name made the realism of it all come out in ways I had never imagined. While reviewing it I thought no one was home and I pulled myself together and tried to brush it off completely. A rational reaction would have been to call the police but I felt like I couldn’t ruin his life. Probably one of my biggest regrets is not dealing with it sooner. I felt like after all the flirting and making it obvious that I was into him that I was basically asking for it. It’s so cliché but I don’t think you can truly understand that feeling until it happens to you personally.
The strangest thing about it was they came home later that night and it was like he knew what I had found out. I went upstairs to cut some watermelon, as usual I offered them some. His gf said she was fine but Alex barked back at me saying. No! I don’t want any watermelon.” Being jumpy already after hearing what I had I just said no problem and vanished to my room. I thought to myself ok I have a trip to Vancouver in few days. Maybe I can make sense of everything while I’m away. For the day’s up until my trip he wanted nothing to do with me at all and I don’t think I really saw her either. He was completely irritable and would avoid me at all cost. I couldn’t help but to think that he must had heard my reaction to listening to what I heard.
While I was in Vancouver I mostly tried to not think about it. I did reach out to the friend that me and Alex joked about having a threesome with. I texted him saying. “Girl you’ll never guess, it actually happened finally, nothing like you would ever imagine though.” Reading back that message is so strange. I think I must not have wanted to think about it for what it actually was. I was being raped. I just couldn’t except that someone I trusted so much would do it without my knowledge. Especially when they didn’t have to.
That same night I went to go to bed but as I layed down I felt a bit anxious so decided to go out for a smoke first. I stopped in the washroom in the lobby on the way quickly. Suddenly I was violently ill throwing up all over the entire washroom uncontrollably. It was awful. All over the walls everywhere. It took me over half an hour to try and clean up. I was to humiliated to tell the cleaning staff. The worst part is the baseboards in the washroom are still damaged. It almost like a reminder everytime I use that washroom of the inner stress I felt about the situation. To become violently Ill was symbolic for me holding everything inside.
Alex’s gf had rented out her condo to a friend of mine at the beginning of 2019. The first day when she took possession, Alex and his gf did a walk through of the premises. My friend called me right after and told me how much she clicked with his gf, saying they were soul sisters. She said the same when she gotten back! It felt great to know as when ever you introduce people in this manner it reflects on you. The only comment that my friend had was that Alex kept trying to linger around the place. His gf kept insisting they left but he was reluctant to. A couple weeks later Alex showed up again at her apartment basically unannounced. He text her before coming up stairs and banging on the door since he could see into her place but she didn’t respond since she was ill. My friend was terrified and told his gf about the scenario. She asked her that Alex no longer come to the place and didn’t contact her. His gf apparently apologized and said it would never happen again.
Months later my friend was worried someone was breaking in. She contacted alex's gf but she didn’t respond for almost a week after, she also said that she sent a video showing someone being in her place while she had been at work all day. The only people with access were Alex and his gf. When Alex’s gf finally brought it up to me, she didn’t seem very concerned but stated that obviously she care about anyone’s safety especially a woman’s and would look into it. Though Alex constantly would show up to the apartment uninvited and the woman living there also had concerns that someone in a black car was watching her in the parking lot across the street. I informed her that they drove a black Tesla. When I informed her of that she looked terrified.
After I returned from my trip from Vancouver I was a little nervous to come home. At this point I had checked the camera while I wasn’t home and I saw Alex in my room with a woman that I had heard about but never officially met. He was saying terrible things about me, it would have been surpring to hear him say such aweful things if had been two weeks prior, however as previously mentioned since the week prior to my departure his treatment towards me had done a 180. I knew that they were leaving on a redo vacation apparently to makeup for their first one going so aweful. I knew it would only be a few days once I was back that we would be around each other so I just hoped that things would be better when they returned.
On the night of august 31st I had a friend come “over”. Being together for about 5 minutes, Alex barreled down the stairs and started to bang on the door. I responded can I help you in an irritated voice. He’s ask what are you doing? Are you home? I said yes can we talk later…? He mumbled and said sure. The next day I was sitting with his gf on the back patio of our house. We had a normal conversation then suddenly she said. I’m starting to worry that Alex is a bit racist. To that I thought ummm ok why?? To be honest it threw me off as he was always very PC when we would talk and was surrounded be people of all races. If anything I just thought he thought of him self as better than everyone. At this point in the conversation, he was just standing on the other side of the sliding glass door so it made me feel awkward. She gave some different examples that were a bit racist but standard stereotypes that you hear from people. After that Alex opened the door and......
https://app.goodnightjournal.com/public-journal/d0bcaf64-7c1b-4d07-aae2-3b3ed6cb6401
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2020.10.23 21:56 ChiTownChick Live sex black girls

I got home and started my senior year at a school where you called the teachers by their names, and there were a number of trouble makers-A girl punched her dean, a girl who punched her teacher, and another girl who punched her dean😒
I started hanging out with this super rich girl who I’d met at 14 at the teen psych ward. her dad owned a candy company. He’d been married 3 times. His second wife was 20 years his junior and his third wife was 23 while he was 49.
My friend Actually liked her step moms because they acted like her step sisters.
I started dating her friend who was also rich. He had a vacation house and a mansion. My friend also had a mansion. I d never hung out with extremely rich people. It was awesome. My friend didn’t treat me like I was poor. She extended her rich lifestyle to me.
My boyfriend drove a brand new black mustang convertible. My dad called him pony boy. He was really nice. He took me to his lake house. I wasn’t attracted to him though but he was really fun. I started smoking cigarettes when I got discharged.
I was discharged and I taught myself to smoke. My rich friend Ariel and I were meeting in downtown Evanston she was driving her Jeep. She was bringing her friend Adam. We had all gone to Camp Chi but not at the same time.
Adam was really hot and he was flirting with me. Ariel, Adam, and I walked to the beach. He kissed me and I knew right then That I wanted to be with him.
My friend’s boyfriend lived in Marina Towers which is an extremely expensive apartment. He lived in a studio apartment on the 50th floor. The rent was 1,550$ for a 500 square feet. He was rich too. He was 24 and she was 18.
That day my boyfriend Kyle came with Ariel and me to her boyfriend’s house. His name was Kyle too. We were on the bed and he was laying on my lap. He saw something on my neck and asked if it was a hickey. It was such a coincidence he asked because I’d made out with Adam the night before. Ariel pulled me aside and asked me if I could mention to Kyle my bf that he smelled like BO.
I couldn’t that was too mean. The next day I went to Adam’s house. I texted Kyle that night that I’d reconnected with someone I went to Camp Chi ( a Jewish camp) with. Adam was so fun. We were waiting for the redline and he started playing the bongos on my boobs and the he said “hey does anyone want to see my girlfriend play the bongos!?” Then we laughed . On the bus to his house he noticed that I had white scars on both wrists from cutting. He kissed my wrists and was so sweet.
Then one day when he was taking the train to Skokie to come over I dressed really sexy and wore a red thong and a red lacy bra. I was ready to take my shirt off. I didn’t like sex that much until I got with my husband. I took my shirt off but he hesitated to take his off. I finally got him to take his shirt off. As soon as he did I noticed two giant hickeys on his chest. He said he was hammering something on his ceiling and he’d dropped his hammer on his chest. Twice. I really liked him so I decided to believe him. I didn’t want to have sex with him and he played porn on his computer. I realized he wasn’t the guy I thought he was.
We finally had sex then he dumped me. He also told me that he’d met a girl at college who’d asked if he wanted to “kick it”. That meant sex. I asked why he cheated on me and he said I didn’t want to have sex but she did.
A week later it was my 18th birthday. I sent Adam a message telling him he treated me badly and that he had no excuse to cheat on me.
surprisingly he messaged me back and said i was right. i also had plans with my future husband to go shopping w my bday money. id gotten 100$. i still liked adam so i cancelled on my future husband. i felt really guilty for cancelling but i went to Adam's. we started making out with my bra and shirt off.
he said see we should just be friends with benefits. then a guy walked in and i covered up my chest with my shirt. Suddenly this guy said we could get blows ( heroin) and adam begged me to let his best friend buy it with my birthday money. i said yes and he was like," I love you !! thank you." i knew he only meant it because i was getting drugs. Adam had never done h and neither had I. i was excited. we waited for an hour then James ( his best friend for years.
I'd done oxycontin, norco, and vicodin so i was used ti opiates. adam puked. i was surprised at how nervous i waz. i only did a thin line. Adam had called James on my cell phone so i wanted to call him but Adam had made a bunch of calls, so i called every number until I reached James. I decided I wanted to do h again. my grandma had gotten me an 18karat gold cross that had diamonds all over the front of the cross. it was 500$ and she'd also got me an 18k gold dove carrying a big diamond thst looked like a rose that was 250$ i went to a thrift store in downtown Evanston. i only got 125$ for jewelry worth 750$.
I called James and said I had money and does he want to party. An hour later he picked me up. His friend Andrew was driving. They both told me to bend down. We drove to the west side and saw guys standing on the corner who Andrew recognized as his usual dealers. We bought 8 bags of H. The bags had blue dolphins on them. We drove to a park and did some h because Andrew had cut up straws. James and I seemed to be really connecting. He was pushing me on the swing.
Then we drove to my house and went downstairs because my dad had a really sweet set up. The tv is huge and the stereos were mounted on the wall. We watched trading places which I’d totally forgotten how problematic it was. There was black face. Anyway Andrew and james left and I had 7 bags of H. I did some more that night then the next day James messaged me on AIM saying he was friending and asked to come over.
He took the train and got here late. He wanted to do a lot and I wanted to make it last. We decided to make it last. We got really high and he spent the night but we didn’t do anything. Then he wrote on my door in permanent marker- James was here .. HAD A FUN TIME. Then I wrote- SO THERE ADAM SUCK ON THAT BITCH!
James started to spend the night all the time and we’d do h. We started falling for each other. We just would kiss. Then we ran out of h.
submitted by ChiTownChick to Abusedatresidential [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 22:35 OldmanRevived Live sex black girls

First up was Rebecca
"Rebecca" is an altogether brilliant novel, haunting, suspenseful, and elegant. Daphne du Maurier's tale of the second mistress of Manderley, a simple and modest and self-effacing girl who seemed to have no chance against everyone's memories of the first, tragically deceased Mrs. de Winter, was one that demanded a film treatment evocative of a menacing mood, fraught with all manner of hidden meaning, gaited to the pace of an executioner approaching the fatal block.
A film version followed two years after the publication of the book: Alfred Hitchcock's 1940 "Rebecca," starring Laurence Olivier and Joan Fontaine. It was a romance with all the stops out, a story about intrigue, deception and bloody murder - and about how the secrets of the present are unraveled through a hypnotic trance that reveals the secrets of the past. This new version by Ben Wheatley contains the moments of high drama, clearly outlines all the motivations, is easy to follow and lacks only passion. A story filled with outrage and idealism becomes somehow merely picturesque.
Wheatley certainly makes some distinctions. It's in color, for one. A few nightmare sequences lean into the concept of a more literal ghost story, in order to emphasize the tale's Gothic horror elements. The major twist is left intact from the novel, with the story's central death being the result of a direct act instead of a rage-induced accident. There's a bit more sex, which is to say that there actually is a bit, and our protagonist, unnamed until she takes a new surname through marriage, becomes an active participant and the key player in the movie's final unraveling of the big mystery.
The woman, who is only known as the second Mrs. de Winter (Lily James), dreams of Manderley one night—the walk of the great manor's driveway becoming illuminated blood red. That dream brings forth the memory of Monte Carlo, being the paid companion of the rich Mrs. Van Hopper (Anne Dowd), and meeting Maxim de Winter (Armie Hammer), the man who, after a whirlwind romance, becomes her husband. From there, the story moves forward through the past, with the woman moving to his English estate, trying to fit in as an aristocrat from her meager origins, and coming into conflict with Mrs. Danvers (Kristin Scott Thomas), who runs the house and constantly sizes up the new Mrs. de Winter with unblinking stares.
The second wife has a tough act to follow: the stunningly beautiful social butterfly Rebecca, who died when her boat capsized off the coast near the house. Mrs. de Winter fears that she'll never live up to her predecessor. Maxim is put into a state of distress whenever his late wife's name or memory is revived, and Mrs. Danvers, who knew Rebecca since she was a child, becomes more and more obvious in her attempts to sabotage the marriage and, more specifically, the new Mrs. de Winter.
The rest of the story proceeds as we likely already know it. Just when the woman gets close to making a breakthrough, old secrets morph into unresolved jealousy. All she longs for is Maxim's love. She has chosen his side to stand by, even if he’s unreachable. Her efforts are being undermined constantly by Mrs. Danvers, who is so inflexible, so unseeing, and so blandly sure she is right. Another significant individual in the movie is Jack Favell (Sam Riley), Rebecca's cousin and former lover. He becomes a major figure during the film's final act, however, as he becomes determined to blackmail Maxim.
Here we have a dutiful, even respectable, adaptation that lacks the rabble-rousing usually associated with "Rebecca." The sets and locations are handled well, the period looks convincing, but the story is lame. The confrontations are too dry, too restrained by unexpressed hostility. The movie has too much docudrama and not enough soul. And, as another rendition of this story, it never quite develops a personality, tone, or style to call its own.
There are some areas of true tension. For instance, the overly bright sun of Monte Carlo gives way to the equally sharp, if dimmer, veneer of Manderley. The photography labors to make it look big and important, and the music wants to be sad and uplifting at the same time. The movie makes a good showcase for Lily James, who throws herself into a role like this with courageous abandon, taking all sorts of risks and pulling them off.
James and Hammer are smart as people and smart as actors, and that shows: They generate a nice combination of physical and intellectual chemistry. But at the end, when the sad story has played out, there is a moment in which Mrs. de Winter lashes out, and the moment would play better and provide more of a dramatic shock if the movie had been clearer about the nature of the feelings she is expressing. As it is, "Rebecca" is a disappointment, a film in which good and evil dutifully go through their paces, while the character who could have added complexity and intrigue remains, unfortunately, unrealized.

Next up was The Witches
One of the things that separated Roald Dahl's work from other children's authors was the fact that he didn't always sugarcoat his sometimes dark material in an attempt to appeal to his younger audiences. He instead treated them with respect and intelligence, and assumed that they could handle such things, and for the most part, they did. Robert Zemeckis has now stepped in for the second movie adaptation of Dahl's novel "The Witches," following Nicolas Roeg's twisted and sinister film from 1990.
Alas, something has gone wrong along the way, because while the movie does contain occasional moments of genuine wonder, they are too often overwhelmed by the combination of an overstuffed visual style and an underwritten screenplay. The project initially was planned as a stop-motion animation feature by Guillermo del Toro, which quickly fell apart. This version, written by Kenya Barris and del Toro, doesn't set out to update the tale. Indeed, it goes back in time to the 1960s - before either the first film or even the publication of Dahl's book in 1983.
The film opens with a voiceover narration from Chris Rock, who tells us all about witches. They're real, he says, and they walk among us. But you can spot them if you get a good look at them, because they have square feet. They're also bald and have pointy noses, but the important thing is, they're not imaginary. You might have even heard tell of a Grand High Witch who rules over the others, and is the most terrible of all. We go to a flashback and learn that this is Charlie (Jahzir Kadeem Bruno), who was sent to live with his grandma in Alabama once his parents were killed in a car accident.
Grandma has a history with witches – she and a friend were hunted by them as children – and she believes they may be stalking her again. So, she grabs Charlie and they rush off to a seaside hotel that is hosting a convention of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children. Of course, they end up amidst a coven of witches who are visiting the hotel to enact a plan that will rid the entire world of children. Their leader is the Grand High Witch (Anne Hathaway), who is also running the conference.
Hathaway, whose energy dominates the film, dresses like a vampire vamp with stiletto heels, a tight black dress, a severe hair style and blazing red lipstick. Zemeckis often photographs her using lenses that make her leer into the camera, and she's always towering over everybody, especially little boys like Charlie. Wandering through the labyrinthine hallways of the old hotel, Charlie stumbles upon a private meeting one day, and discovers to his horror that the Society is actually a convention of witches - and that Hathaway, the fabled Grand High Witch, has plans to turn all of the children into mice.
Once it comes time for all the supernatural and magical elements to take over, though, the movie tries to let its shaky visual effects do all of the work. Luke is discovered while eavesdropping, and becomes the first child forced to drink a secret potion and become a mouse. Together with his new friend Bruno (Codie-Lei Eastick) and his pet mouse Daisy (Kristin Chenoweth), who are also revealed to be transformed children, the three mice enlist Grandma in an attempt to reverse the spell, thwart the witches' evil plan, and escape their claws of elongated fingers.
The movie turns into a race against time, good against evil, and Zemeckis tries not to spare his young audiences the sinister implications of the plot. The work on Roeg's film was supervised by Jim Henson (his last live-action feature before his death) and, as such, has a unique style and flavor. Zemeckis has creatures that are sleeker and more modern, but they aren’t muppets. More often, it's a combination of prosthetics and CGI that's playful without taking over. Additionally, the movie is almost worth seeing just for Anne Hathaway's obvious delight in playing a completely uncompromised villainess.
A great deal of creativity and ingenious thinking went into the creation of these strange beings and their dangers. But as a work of fiction, and more specifically as entertainment, I think it has two problems: (1) Many of the scenes last too long, because the special effects are lingered over, and (2) Most of the special effects themselves aren't too good. Kids are more sophisticated than they used to be. If they try to get scared during this movie, they'll just see through all of the smoke and mirrors. The 1990 movie tilted toward horror instead of comedy. Now here's a version that tilts the other way, and I like it a little less.
submitted by OldmanRevived to MLPLounge [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 21:03 Daft-punkinstein Live sex black girls

Made something like this a month or so ago, but I figured I give it another go. It’s a long read, but It gives you a pretty good idea whether or not we’re a good fit!
Hey! I'm Daft!
Freshly out of a huge slump in my life. Things aren't perfect right now, and I have a ways to go until I get where I wanna be in life. Bad days aplenty. Trying not to focus on the state of the world, and more so on my own life. And I've made some great strides! I'm starting to be okay with my own company during the pandemic isolation. That being said though, I'm always down for the company of like-minded people.
I would really like to connect with anyone close by, specifically in NC, USA. But that doesn’t mean I’m not down to make friends with anyone! Even if you just want to vent or chat with a stranger, I’m here when I can be! As long as you’re around my age range, or at least in your 20s. It also helps if you're at least around the EDT Zone.
I don’t have a lot of guy friends, but I really want a bro! I get along great with girls, but I want to make sure that they’re comfortable around me. There’s a lot of predatory men out there, and women shouldn’t feel pressured into anything they don’t want. Overall, I want to be very patient with everyone. If you need to take a while to respond, or you find yourself uninterested in carrying on with our friendship, I won’t sweat it. This all means to test the waters and really try to find a match. Even a small interaction with anyone else means a lot to me!
I suppose that I’m open to a serious romantic relationship, but I don’t want to rush into anything. And I only really want one in person, long distance doesn't work for me. That being said I'm not actively looking to hook up with anyone. I’m in it for the long haul, and I want to make sure that me and my future partner are going to be happy together forever. And it’ll most likey be with someone that’s an amazing and close friend of mine! I believe that it takes a while to really know someone before committing to a serious relationship anyways.
And now a bit about me!
I'm 23m. White. Straight. Monogamous. Big (Over ~280lbs) and Tall (5'11). Decently Masculine, comfortable with my Feminine side. Well groomed for the most part. Very conscious of my hygiene, as anyone should be.
I'm not super political, but I'm very left leaning. Socialism is probably the best way to describe my stance on how things should run here in the USA. Black Lives matter, as well as the lives of any other "minority." LGBTQ+ People also matter greatly, and should also be treated equally. We'll get along for sure if you at least have similar views.
I'm pretty simple. Up for almost anything most of the time. Though my favorite thing to do is unwind and vibe somewhere comfortable. Maybe have a drink, smoke, play some games, watch something fun, share some funny stuff, and munch on some awesome grub! Take walks around outside to get some fresh air and a good dose of vitamin D, especially around a quiet beach. And, when there's not a pandemic messing life up, try a new and fun restaurant! I try to keep pretty consistent with the gym, and I could use a guest to pump some blood with! Once Conventions and Concerts are safe to attend I really want to hit them up again!
Alcohol is fun to drink in moderation, and only during appropriate times and places. The same goes for Marijuana. But it's only fun to share!
I'm very fortunate to have a loving and caring family. They will always have a place in my life no matter what. If you get close enough to me, you'll definitely get along with them.
I have a ton of interests that I'd love to show people and bond over. I tend to hyper fixate on stuff, then cycle around after doing so with something else. I'd also love to get to know your interests as well! It's fun when people info-dump stuff for me, at least when I'm pretty focused at the time.
I love binging and discovering new shows. Especially Cartoons! CN, Nickelodeon, and Adult Swim have a lot of personal favorites. Netflix also has a lot of rad originals. I’m also a fan of a few Youtubers and Streamers. Especially Vinesauce and Jerma985.
Huge into video games as well. I love Nintendo consoles. Especially the GameCube, Wii, and Switch. I'm also a big PC gamer, even if my computer isn’t the best (yet). I have a Steam account with a ton of stuff to mess around with. And I'm always down to try something new with a friend!
My music taste is all over the place, for the most part. If you want to introduce me to your favorite artist, then we definitely need to sit down and give it all a good listen. A few of my favorites are Daft Punk, Caravan Palace, Jungle, Tame Impala, Gorillaz, Ghost, and more!
Sometimes I also like to pick up a good book, usually fiction stuff. I'd like to try audio-books sometime soon!
I vibe a lot with creative types. If you have any stories, art, official characters, universes, anything, I'd love to know about them! I occasionally write stuff myself when I get the creative bug. One day I hope to pick up drawing so I can express myself better.
Currently working on myself through therapy. Mental health is just as important as physical health. Trying to manage my executive dysfunction, anxiety, and depression. Also currently getting treatment for my ADHD. So far so good! And I think I owe a lot to it for the up times I've been having.
I recently graduated with an Associate's in Computer Science! I might go back to a local university if I feel like it. Hoping to get any kind of IT job once I'm confident enough in my skills. Lots of money in jobs like that!
I don't have any other life goals set just yet though. I'd like to settle down one day somewhere nice. Then maybe travel and expand myself, at least a little.
I am definitely Child Free. Not that there's anything wrong with having a kid, so long as today's parents have the mental/ emotional strength and money to care for their offspring. But I can't say that I'm interested in raising one myself. The next generation is going to have a lot of hardships to come, and I don't want to bring another suffering human into the world. And I definitely don't want this to be a conflict with my future partner.
I love most pets. I suppose I align more with being a cat person, but well behaved dogs are nice to hang around. I especially love reptiles! I'm looking after two Crested Geckos for a while, I have plenty of pictures of them! I plan on owning my own when I have some more space.
I'm only comfortable discussing sex, kinks, and role-plays with people I trust deeply. I don't judge people's sexual tastes, so long as they don't harm anyone and are completely consensual. And, of course, only with people my age.
If any of this checks your boxes, then feel free to hit me up! I have a Twitter, a Tumblr, and I'll even shoot you a Discord invite if you'd like. DM me or leave a comment whenever you want, and take all the time you need to respond and talk to me. I'll understand when you're busy, need some space, or have a hard time keeping up with conversations. I might do the same on occasion. Patience is always important.
I hope to get to know some of you better soon!
submitted by Daft-punkinstein to MeetPeople [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 20:44 Daft-punkinstein Live sex black girls

Made something like this a month or so ago, but I figured I give it another go. It’s a long read, but It gives you a pretty good idea whether or not we’re a good fit!
Hey! I'm Daft!
Freshly out of a huge slump in my life. Things aren't perfect right now, and I have a ways to go until I get where I wanna be in life. Bad days aplenty. Trying not to focus on the state of the world, and more so on my own life. And I've made some great strides! I'm starting to be okay with my own company during the pandemic isolation. That being said though, I'm always down for the company of like-minded people.
I would really like to connect with anyone close by, specifically in NC, USA. But that doesn’t mean I’m not down to make friends with anyone! Even if you just want to vent or chat with a stranger, I’m here when I can be! As long as you’re around my age range, or at least in your 20s. It also helps if you're at least around the EDT Zone.
I don’t have a lot of guy friends, but I really want a bro! I get along great with girls, but I want to make sure that they’re comfortable around me. There’s a lot of predatory men out there, and women shouldn’t feel pressured into anything they don’t want. Overall, I want to be very patient with everyone. If you need to take a while to respond, or you find yourself uninterested in carrying on with our friendship, I won’t sweat it. This all means to test the waters and really try to find a match. Even a small interaction with anyone else means a lot to me!
I suppose that I’m open to a serious romantic relationship, but I don’t want to rush into anything. And I only really want one in person, long distance doesn't work for me. That being said I'm not actively looking to hook up with anyone. I’m in it for the long haul, and I want to make sure that me and my future partner are going to be happy together forever. And it’ll most likey be with someone that’s an amazing and close friend of mine! I believe that it takes a while to really know someone before committing to a serious relationship anyways.
And now a bit about me!
I'm 23m. White. Straight. Monogamous. Big (Over ~280lbs) and Tall (5'11). Decently Masculine, comfortable with my Feminine side. Well groomed for the most part. Very conscious of my hygiene, as anyone should be.
I'm not super political, but I'm very left leaning. Socialism is probably the best way to describe my stance on how things should run here in the USA. Black Lives matter, as well as the lives of any other "minority." LGBTQ+ People also matter greatly, and should also be treated equally. We'll get along for sure if you at least have similar views.
I'm pretty simple. Up for almost anything most of the time. Though my favorite thing to do is unwind and vibe somewhere comfortable. Maybe have a drink, smoke, play some games, watch something fun, share some funny stuff, and munch on some awesome grub! Take walks around outside to get some fresh air and a good dose of vitamin D, especially around a quiet beach. And, when there's not a pandemic messing life up, try a new and fun restaurant! I try to keep pretty consistent with the gym, and I could use a guest to pump some blood with! Once Conventions and Concerts are safe to attend I really want to hit them up again!
Alcohol is fun to drink in moderation, and only during appropriate times and places. The same goes for Marijuana. But it's only fun to share!
I'm very fortunate to have a loving and caring family. They will always have a place in my life no matter what. If you get close enough to me, you'll definitely get along with them.
I have a ton of interests that I'd love to show people and bond over. I tend to hyper fixate on stuff, then cycle around after doing so with something else. I'd also love to get to know your interests as well! It's fun when people info-dump stuff for me, at least when I'm pretty focused at the time.
I love binging and discovering new shows. Especially Cartoons! CN, Nickelodeon, and Adult Swim have a lot of personal favorites. Netflix also has a lot of rad originals. I’m also a fan of a few Youtubers and Streamers. Especially Vinesauce and Jerma985.
Huge into video games as well. I love Nintendo consoles. Especially the GameCube, Wii, and Switch. I'm also a big PC gamer, even if my computer isn’t the best (yet). I have a Steam account with a ton of stuff to mess around with. And I'm always down to try something new with a friend!
My music taste is all over the place, for the most part. If you want to introduce me to your favorite artist, then we definitely need to sit down and give it all a good listen. A few of my favorites are Daft Punk, Caravan Palace, Jungle, Tame Impala, Gorillaz, Ghost, and more!
Sometimes I also like to pick up a good book, usually fiction stuff. I'd like to try audio-books sometime soon!
I vibe a lot with creative types. If you have any stories, art, official characters, universes, anything, I'd love to know about them! I occasionally write stuff myself when I get the creative bug. One day I hope to pick up drawing so I can express myself better.
Currently working on myself through therapy. Mental health is just as important as physical health. Trying to manage my executive dysfunction, anxiety, and depression. Also currently getting treatment for my ADHD. So far so good! And I think I owe a lot to it for the up times I've been having.
I recently graduated with an Associate's in Computer Science! I might go back to a local university if I feel like it. Hoping to get any kind of IT job once I'm confident enough in my skills. Lots of money in jobs like that!
I don't have any other life goals set just yet though. I'd like to settle down one day somewhere nice. Then maybe travel and expand myself, at least a little.
I am definitely Child Free. Not that there's anything wrong with having a kid, so long as today's parents have the mental/ emotional strength and money to care for their offspring. But I can't say that I'm interested in raising one myself. The next generation is going to have a lot of hardships to come, and I don't want to bring another suffering human into the world. And I definitely don't want this to be a conflict with my future partner.
I love most pets. I suppose I align more with being a cat person, but well behaved dogs are nice to hang around. I especially love reptiles! I'm looking after two Crested Geckos for a while, I have plenty of pictures of them! I plan on owning my own when I have some more space.
I'm only comfortable discussing sex, kinks, and role-plays with people I trust deeply. I don't judge people's sexual tastes, so long as they don't harm anyone and are completely consensual. And, of course, only with people my age.
If any of this checks your boxes, then feel free to hit me up! I have a Twitter, a Tumblr, and I'll even shoot you a Discord invite if you'd like. DM me or leave a comment whenever you want, and take all the time you need to respond and talk to me. I'll understand when you're busy, need some space, or have a hard time keeping up with conversations. I might do the same on occasion. Patience is always important.
I hope to get to know some of you better soon!
submitted by Daft-punkinstein to MakeNewFriendsHere [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 19:31 Difficult-Half963 I like Milana Vayntrub. But I'm kinda suspect on her highly leftwing views...and especially her age.

You know the hot girl from AT&T commercials? I'm 20 and she's fucking 33. (In fact, closer to my mom's age [45] than mine. And Milana herself is a mom.) Bro. But she looks a lot.. like a LOT younger than that. She looks 22 at her very oldest.
She's also desperate and seeks attention to her Black Lives Matter supporting fans. Very critical of Trump. Not that I wouldn't date a Biden or Bernie girl (I'm actually open to that), but I find it very unattractive if all or most of what a female posts is political or activistic stuff. Is she desperately in need of the chocolate popsicle?
Is MV REALLY pro-BLM, a believer of white privilege, or is she just using her platforms to stay woke? I see her in commercials mostly with Black men. Probably using these sugar daddies for votes, sex, gangs and parties.
She should really start a fitness or yoga channel and do a video where she actually lets a big blast of a fart or two out.
submitted by Difficult-Half963 to Rants [link] [comments]


2020.10.22 16:34 RP-the-US-writer Live sex black girls

Episode 26-Primarch
Shortly afterwards, Steve Cortez walked into the room. Everyone noticed him almost immediately. He stood by, silent for a bit. Aera had a conspicuously different look on her face, almost like she seemed startled by something.

Steve: “Um...hello.” Ashley: “Oh, hello again, Cortez. How’s the shuttle holding up?” Steve: “It’s coming together nicely. It suffered a few minor dings but it’ll be up and running again.” Ashley: “That’s good to hear.” Jewel: “Uh, what was wrong with the shuttle?” Ashley: “Oh, sorry, you girls didn’t know. When we were transporting a lot of the supplies, the shuttle kind of got too close to one of the other ships. It seemed to have suffered a few minor damages and it’s being fixed up right now.” Steve: “It wasn’t my fault. The other guy needed to watch where he was going.” Ashley: “I know. I saw the whole thing. I know that it was other guy who was careless, not you.” Steve: “Yeah, he’s lucky that we just scraped each other. Thank goodness it wasn’t any worse.” Star: “I’m sorry, but we haven’t met you. Are you that Cortez guy that pilots that shuttle?” Steve: “Yes, that’s me. Sorry we never had a chance to meet. I’ve been too busy with that shuttle. So, you girls must be the Fayelons that I’ve heard so much about. I’m actually glad to finally have this chance to meet.” Jewel: “Yes, that is us. I’m Jewel, this is Flare, Star, Aera and Splash.” Splash: “It’s good to meet you.”
He smiled a bit and nodded once. He then looked towards Aera, who was staring at him with a noticeably astonished look on her face.
Steve: “Uh....are you...OK there....um...Aera, was it?”
She walked up to him, still with the same look on her face.
Aera: “Oh, my gosh....you...look...kind of like...my father...”
Steve reacted to this a little. The other girls began to sulk a little. Everyone else took notice of this.
Steve: “Your....your father? Am I...huh....”
As she stopped in front of him, she stared at him for a bit. Then at that moment, tears welled up in her eyes a bit. Steve seemed concerned about her for a bit.
Steve: “You...you OK?”
Aera nodded. She rubbed one of her eyes.
Aera: “Sorry, I...I just...I just miss him so much...” Steve: “Really? Is it because you’re so far from your home? Or...did something happen to him?” Aera dropped her head a bit and looked to her side as she sulked. Aera: “My dad...I...I lost him...when I was still a young girl...he was...he meant so to me...” Steve: “I’m...I’m sorry to hear that. I know how you feel, losing a loved one. I lost my husband not too long ago.”
Just then, he noticed that all of the Fayelons had terrified looks on their faces.
Steve: “Did I...did I say something wrong?” Flare: “Did you...are you...” Star: “You’re attracted to guys?” Steve: “Yes, I am indeed homosexual. You girls don’t have a problem with that, right?”
They began to sulk as they dropped their heads a little.
Jewel: “No...not us personally, but...” Flare: “In our culture...such things are considered....very highly impermissible.” Steve: “You don’t allow same sex relationships amongst your kind?” Star: “No!! Where we come from, it’s one of the worst forms of immorality!! In fact, it’s so immoral that even supporting it is forbidden!! If you were part of our culture, you would be severely reprimanded and that’s if you’re lucky!!” Steve: “Wow, your kind must be very strict about relationships.” Flare: “It is a rule that has been enforced for many, many generations. Many are too scared to even support it or anyone who would engage in such a relationship because it has been strictly enforced.” Liara: “But why would they do that?” Flare: “They claim that it is detrimental to conceiving an offspring. We are told that we must be involved in the necessary intimacy in order for such things.” Star: “That’s how we were taught, anyway.” Splash: “I’m guessing that these kinds of relationships are considered OK in this realm, right?” Miranda: “You would be right.” Ashley: “It took us a long time to accept it, though. Some are still...indifferent about it, though.” FemShep: “Hmm...as a matter of fact, for asari, it had been a huge part of their culture.” Liara: “Indeed, since my race is comprihended as what other species would address as “female”, same sex relationships were the only things that were part of our culture, that is before we interacted with other races.” Star: “Wait! Asari...can reproduce with their own kind, but...none of them are men...but....” Ashley: “They can mate with other species as well.” Star: “They can reproduce with someone who’s a different species from them!?! Even regardless of their genders??” Liara: “That’s right. We’ll talk about it some other time.” Star: “I...wow!! That’s...that’s so much to take in!!” Steve: “So, yes, I don’t know what you would call it where you’re from, an atrocity or whatever, but I am what we call gay or homosexual. I hope you don’t think of me too badly.”
He then noticed Aera had a bit of sad and astonished look in her eye.
Aera: “You...you remind me even more of my dad...”
From there, she threw herself on her and held him close. He placed his arms around her, too. They then pulled away from each other.
Steve: “I’ll get back to the hanger bay to check on the shuttle. As soon as it’s fixed, I’ll head out to pick up the Primarch and bring him here to meet you girls.”
He walked out of the room. Aera walked back towards the others. Everyone stood and thought for a brief moment.
Liara: “So...we still have more to talk about...” Jewel: “Hm, yes...Hey, Liara, you didn’t...you didn’t find anything in the crystals about our perception on intimate relationships, have you?” Liara: “No...not, yet. Glyph is still sifting through them as we speak. I’ll let him know about what you’ve said to us and then see if he has found it, yet.” Splash: “That Cortez guy was awfully nice.” Ashley: “Yeah, he is a good person.” Aera: “I look forward to seeing him again. It may probably be the closest that I’ll get to...”
Aera sulked even more. Her friends, looking concerned, stood by and stared at her a bit. From there, Jewel and Splash walked up to her and held her close as they consoled her. Everyone else watched this unfold.
Liara: “Wow, I can’t imagine what she went through when she lost her father...” Flare: “Yes, it is hard to fathom...what happened to him, it was...most disconcerting.” Star: “This was before Flare and I met them and became part of their friend group.” Liara: “I see...”
Aera wiped her eyes and her friends pulled away from her a bit.
Aera: “So...Steve was going to pick up someone he called a...what was it? Primarch?” Hackett: “That’s right. The primarch.” Star: “What’s a primarch?” Hackett: “The primarch is a very, very important person amongst the turians. It’s a high rank amongst their race and culture. They are among the higher authority.” Splash: “Turians? Hey, this guy must be associated with you, Garrus!” Garrus: “Um, no, not really. Although I have interacted with the guy for a bit, I don’t know him personally.” Splash: “Really? But...he’s a turian; the same race as you.” Garrus: “That has nothing to do with any affiliations that I would have with him. It would be like if another Fayelon other than you and your friends just walked in here and one of us thinking that you know them, then having each of you mention that you actually don’t.” Splash: “Oh, right, yeah, we don’t know a lot of other Fayelons.” Aera: “Do you at least know his name?” Garrus: “The primarch is named Adrien Victus. He’s a well-known and decorated general of our military. Although I don’t know the guy personally, I am familiar with his background and history.” Splash: “Sounds neat.” Star: “Pfft! Whatevs! Primarch, turian war hero, head honcho of the race; as if any of it really matters. This guy’s got nothing on Garrus. Far as I’m concerned, he’s the best of the best guys I’ve ever known.”
Garrus did not at all look flattered.
Aera: “Really, Star? I thought Mordin was your favorite.” Star: “What? I’m only allowed to have one favorite? Not cool, Aera!”
Almost everyone in the room started chuckling.
Flare: “Well, if he is of high regard to the turians, then we should be on our best behavior, lest we leave a terrible impression on him.” Miranda: “Flare does have the correct attitude. I’m sure some of some of you wouldn’t have a problem with this, but I think it would be best if all of you would try to be polite for as long as you can.” Aera: “Sure, I’ll try not to get on his nerves.” Hackett: “Don’t worry, girls. You’ll be just fine. He only wants to meet with you. It should be fine for you to just continue to behave however you feel comfortable.” Jewel: “Yes, but we shouldn’t be too lenient, either. We want to make a good impression with everyone that we meet.” Aera: “Well, as long as he’s not as condescending as the council, I think I won’t have any problems with him.” Hackett: “I don’t blame you for thinking that way, Aera. None of us, do.”
After much time, the primarch arrived. He made his way to the lab where some of the crew members, the admiral, Ms. Shepard plus the girls were waiting for him. They took notice of him almost immediately.
Adrien: “Hello, everyone.” Hackett: “Good to see you again, Primarch.” Splash: “So, that must be him.” Wrex: “You certainly took a lot of time to get here.” Adrien: “Apologies. It was a long way from here. So, these must be the girls that most of the galaxy’s been talking about, the...magical girls, I presume.” Hackett: “Yes, these are the girls. This is Jewel, Flare, Star, Aera and Splash.”
Flare walked up to the direction of the primarch before stopping. She then, with her hands clasped together and hanging in front of her, bowed.
Flare: “It is good to meet you, Primarch.” Adrien: “Likewise. I’ve...been looking forward to this for a while now. So, a lot of you have been taking care of these girls, huh?” Ashley: “Yes, that’s right.” Garrus: “We’ve been looking after them since their arrival in our galaxy.” Adrien: “I see. Glad someone is. They’re so young.” Liara: “You seem to be doing well, Primarch.” Adrien: “The same to you, Liara. It truly is good to see all of you again.”
He soon looked towards Mordin.
Adrien: “And you as well, Dr. Solus. So, it is true. You were able to survive.” Star: “Yeah, he did and you had better not say anything nasty about it, or I swear I’ll pull of those side flaps while making you feel every secon-” Jewel: “Star!”
At that moment, the primarch began to chuckle.
Adrien: “That one’s got some fire in her. I admire that.” Star: “And I’m not even a pyromancer.’ Adrien: “I take it that you are very well acquainted with the doctor.” Aera: “That would be an understatement, guy.” Jewel: “So...Mr. Primarch. I’m sure you already know about the miraculous survivals that we’ve heard so much about.” Adrien: “Indeed I do, Jewel. I have been looking into the members of the turian fleet that are among those survivors. Little by little, we are noticing that more have survived from those circumstances than we first realized.” Jewel: “How much more are we talking?” Adrien: “The survival count has already gone up to 23%” Garrus: “23%!?! Nearly a quarter of the fleet that we thought could have perished are still alive!?!” Adrien: “Yes and all are still comatose. However, we’ve already had a good chuck that came to. I would say around 5% are awake.” Garrus: “Hmm...this is very unusual. I didn’t think that it would increase so significantly.” Adrien: “And I get the feeling that there are still more out there. We’re still searching a lot of the wreckage.”
Jewel seemed concerned.
Hackett: “This is indeed very strange. When last we spoke, I mentioned that there was something important that I needed to talk to you about.” Adrien: “Yeah, I know and you told me to meet with you in private. You said all of this had something to do with these girls, aside from meeting them.” Hackett: “Yeah, it does. Believe it or not, these girls helped to find a vital clue in what could be causing this. A while back after Dr. Solus came to, I asked him to look into some strange energy readings.” Adrien: “What does that have to do with these miraculous survivors? Or even these girls for that matter?” Hackett: “Well, it turns out that upon analyzing them, Dr. Solus was able to find energy readings within them that have some similarities to this mysterious energy.” Adrien: “Wait! Energy? Within these girls?” Hackett: “That’s right. Magical energy. We were able to find that the mysterious energy that Dr. Solus was looking into is indeed magic.” Adrien: “Magic? So, it's all true? I mean, these girls are magical beings, but...could such...truly exist?” Ashley: “Yes, or at least energy that we can best describe as magic.” Hackett: “Either way, we have reason to believe that this energy could be causing these survivals, or at the very least connected to them.” Adrien: “Hmm...well, many people throughout the galaxy have been surviving from impossible circumstances; that sounds like magic to me. As hard as it is to believe, there is no doubt that magic IS real.” Liara: “Well...that may be the case, but...we don’t really know how this magical energy is causing these survivals or if it is the true force behind it.” Mordin: “Only way for us to determine that is to analyze all of the miraculous survivors and see if we can find any way to truly connect them.” FemShep: “In the meantime, we’re dealing with another issue.” Adrien: “Yes, I know. There’s a dark entity of some kind looming over us.” Tali: “Yes and we are trying to do all we can to help the girls put a stop to him.” Adrien: “Well, I wish all of you the best of luck. I’ve heard a lot of things about how the person who’s controlling this entity has caused so much trouble for these girls and pretty much their entire race.”
The girls sulked a bit.
Adrien: “By the way, there is another matter that we need to discuss.” Splash: “What is it?” Adrien: “I just contacted the Urdnot clan back on Tuchanka.” Wrex: “Wait, you contacted my clan on the home planet? So, why am I just hearing about this now?” Adrien: “This was a private conversation, I apologize. The leader of the females amongst your clan, Eve, wanted you to be informed of this around the same time as these girls.” Wrex: “Hmph! It’s almost as though ever since the genophage was cured, she became a completely different person.” Garrus: “Heh, after the way she sent all of those newly-fertile women after you, I can see why.”
Wrex had an annoyed grimace, almost to a point when his lip was quivering.
Adrien: “Anyway, she told me that she would like all of you to make your way back to Tuchanka. She would like to meet the girls. Plus, there are a few things that we would like to discuss.” Ashley: “Understood, we’ll set a course there right away.” Liara: “I look forward to seeing how much Tuchanka has changed since we were last there. I heard from Eve that some of the vegetation is already growing back.” Wrex: “Yeah, it has, but not a lot really has changed. It still looks pretty much the same.” Liara: “Oh, well...thank you for letting us know.” Star: “So, while we’re making our way to this...Tuchanka, what will we be doing in the meantime?” Garrus: “Well, for starters, I think it would be time for us to be starting dinner and you girls are most certainly going to be eating.” Flare: “Certainly, I truly look forward to it.” Thane: “Well, since there is nothing else for us to talk about, I think I’ll be taking my leave.”
Thane walked out of the room.
Miranda: “I think I should be going, too. I’ll check on how Gardner’s doing with preparing the meals.”
Miranda also walked out.
Splash: “I think I should go with her. I want to make sure that I don’t see...anything that I don’t want there.” Liara: “I’m coming with you.”
Liara and Splash walked out together.
Aera: “I better go with her. Just in case...well...you know.” Tali: “Yeah, I have a pretty good idea with what you mean, Aera.”
Aera also walked out with Tali as well.
Adrien: “So, Doctor. I can see you’re doing well, for someone who...nearly died.”
Mordin didn’t seem to have anything to say. Adrien was seen sulking.
Flare: “Is there...something the matter, Primarch?” Adrien: “Well...I was just...remembering...the last time that I’ve dealt with issues on Tuchanka.” Garrus: “You must be thinking about when we discovered that bomb left behind on that planet by our ancestors.” Adrien: “Yes...hefty price for a terrible mistake that we have made...some paid for it more than others.” Garrus: “Yeah...I know.” Star: “What happened on Tuchanka? And you do mean by a bomb?” Adrien: “Many years ago during the Krogan Rebellion, our ancestors placed a bomb that could have caused major devastation to the krogan population.” Jewel: “I can’t believe they would do that!!! Just what were they thinking!?!” Adrien: “I understand that you’re angry, Jewel and...I have to be honest, upon finding out about it, I aimed to take care of it as quickly as possible, before the krogan found out about it.” Wrex: “I remember that day, I was so p*****. We had a vicious argument.” Adrien: “Yes, I foresaw your anger, that is why I aimed to resolve it before anyone found out about it. I had a squadron of turians sent down to try and disarm it. My son, Tarquin, was among those in the squadron.” Flare: “Your son was part of that squadron?” Adrien: “Yes, it was a...difficult endeavor.”
Adrien sulked
Jewel: “I take it that he didn’t survive.” Adrien: “No...he gave his life to disarm that bomb. It was then that I realized that secrets often get people killed.”
The girls stood by in silence as they sulked.Adrien: “I, without a doubt, paid a hefty price that day and although I am sad for his loss, I am proud of him.”
Jewel: “Hmm...” Star: “Huh...so...he isn’t one of the miraculous survivors.” Adrien: “No...he is truly dead. I am very well aware that whatever untapped force that has caused these survivals could not save everyone. I didn’t save my son, afterall...” Mordin: “Hm, a true shame, wish he could have been saved instead of me. Would have gladly traded away my remaining years to bring him back.” Star: “No! Don’t say that! I mean, yeah, I can understand why you would think that way, but...I can’t imagine not having you around! I don’t want to let you go!”
Mordin looked towards Star for a moment. He then reached out his hand and placed it on her head.
Mordin: “Star...do not worry. There may be a reason why I was spared. Will look into this, will find the truth, will not let this second chance that I was given go to waste. Not going anymore, will assure you of that.”
She looked back at him, having tears streaming down her face. She then smiled.
Adrien: “Well, for what it’s worth, I’m actually glad that you were spared, Doctor. I don’t know why, but I think you’ve shown to have a lot of worth towards these girls. If there was anyone who needed to be spared for their sake, it would without doubt be you. I would give anything to have my son back and I would even gladly trade away my primarch title for that in a heartbeat, but we can’t change what has already happened.” Hackett: “Though plenty would try as we have already seen.” Adrien: “Indeed.”
Everyone stood by for a bit. At that moment, Flare looked towards a secluded part of the room and noticed the mysterious entity there. She “saw” as it covered its mouth with its hand with tears streaming down its face. She continued to stare at this for a brief moment. Just then, they noticed Aera walking back into the room.
Aera: “Jewel, we need you right now. It's Splash.”
Jewel had an annoyed look on her face.
Jewel: “Alright, I’m coming.”
Jewel walked out, everyone else stood by for a bit before a few of them followed.
Flare: “Oh....not this again.” Star: “Wait, if we’re here, then who's there keeping her back?” Aera: “The biotic women are with her. They’re holding her back the best they can, but they're struggling?” Star: “All of them!?! Even Samara!?!” Aera: “Yes, even Samara.”
They continued until they reached the Crew Quarters.
Adrien: “I don’t think I follow. What is happening?” Aera: “A few seconds ago, one of the lower deck crewmen were talking about eating out at a seafood restaurant.” Garrus: “Don’t tell me; they were no more than an earshot away from Splash. It figures.” Adrien: “And how is that a bad thing?” Garrus: “Well...” Splash: “FISH MASS-MURDERERS!!!!” Garrus: “That happens.”
They soon arrived where Aera needed to lead them. There, they spotted Miranda, Liara, Samara and Jack using their biotic powers to hold back Splash, but they were really struggling as she was trying to fight through their biotic pull. A few others were standing around watching this.
Splash: “I’LL REDUCE YOU TO STICKY, PASTY FISH CHUM ONCE I GET MY HANDS ON YOU!!!” Adrien: “What the…!?!” Mordin: “Hm, fascinating, even the biotics struggle to hold her back. Indeed sheer power and will of a Fayelon. Either that or her vicious temper makes it hard for them to hold her back.” Garrus: “I would guess that it might be a combination of both. Fayelons are incredibly powerful beings.” FemShep: “Yeah, you kind of would have to be if even the justicar is struggling to hold you back.” Liara: “Jewel! There you are! Hurry! Get out that special gem that you use on her!!”
Jewel conjured the same dark-purple gem from her hand.
Jewel: “I’m on it.”
She walked up to Splash and placed it on her chest. From there, Splash calmed down and fell back into her trance.
Splash: “Sweet dreams.”
The biotics let go of her and Jewel was able to catch her and held her close.
Jack: “Man, she was hard to hold back!” Samara: “It is good that you came when you did, Jewel.” Jewel: “Sorry, I didn’t think that you needed me right at this moment.” Miranda: “It’s fine. We didn’t think so, either.” Jack: “Huh, I can’t believe that she would throw such a violent fit and over seafood!” Jewel: “Yeah, it’s a psychosis of hers.” Jack: “And I thought I had anger issues. What could have caused her to be like this?”
The other Fayelons stood by silently sulking.
Ashley: “We don’t know, but whatever it is, it seems to be something that’s too painful for them to talk about.” Liara: “By the way, I’ve been meaning to ask, what kind of jewel do you use to calm her down?” Jewel: “You remember when I mentioned that Fantasy Crystal she misused when we were kids?” Garrus: “Oh, no, you don’t mean to say....is that really the same crystal that you use on her constantly? Isn’t it kind of irresponsible to use the same jewel that pretty much caused this problem?” Jewel: “It’s the only thing that can calm her down. We’ve tried whatever we could think of. Besides, we can’t risk using anything else if there’s a chance that they won’t work.” Garrus: “Well...when you put it that way...I guess you girls really don’t have a lot of options.” Jewel: “And...it wasn’t the major cause of this issue. If anything, it was the aftereffect of...well...a lot of the other things that she’s been through...”
Everyone stood by, silent for a bit.
Adrien: “So...how long do you plan on keeping her like that?” Jewel: “Only a few minutes. It doesn’t take her long to calm down. Being in her happy place really does a lot to return her to normal. In fact...”
She then pulled the jewel off of her and from there, Splash came to again.
Splash: “Aah!! Wait!! Fishies friends!! Don’t go!! I....huh? Since when did I get back on the Normandy?” Aera: “You never left. We’ve been here since we returned from the Citadel.” Splash: “Umm....oh! Heh, heh, ehh....wow! That...was crazy.” FemShep: “No kidding.” Flare: “Now then, while we are here, when’s dinner?”
Everyone looked towards Flare.
Aera: “Still thinking about food, huh?” Gardner: “Sounds like you girls are hungry.”
They looked up and noticed Gardner standing nearby.
Gardner: “Well, no need to wait another minute. Dinner is ready so you girls get on to chowing down.” Flare: “Oh, boy! Finally!! Another chance to enjoy a delicious meal!”
She walked off.
Jewel: “Come on, girls, let's get to the food before she try to devour everything again.”
The rest of the girls walked off. Some of the crew members stood beside a few of their visitors.
Adrien: “Huh, those are some unusual girls.” Garrus: “Yeah, they are, but that would be typical when meeting a new species.” FemShep: “So, would there be anything left for us?” Ashley: “The girls would need to eat first. It’s apparent that they’ve been deprived of decent meals for pretty much their entire lives. And don’t worry about them depleting our supplies. They're not heavy eaters. They won’t deplete our food supplies or run up any grocery bills.” Tali: “I would think that you received a decent price on these supplies.” Ashley: “Yes, I did find a supplier who was willing to give away a lot of their cargo for a really good discount. When I spoke with them, they seemed thrilled to get rid of so much of it and were willing to charge any cheap prices.” Tali: “Wow, that sounds like a really good deal.”
It didn’t take long for Wrex and Grunt to arrive.
Wrex: “Heh, so Flare’s at it again? It seems as though even when she’s had her fill, the second she sees food, it’s like she’s hungry all over again.” Grunt: “Tell me about it, she eats like she’s never seen food before in her life.” Garrus: “Heh, given how much the girls would normally eat, it would almost be close to that.” Tali: “By the way, Wrex. How was the...all-you-can-eat that you and Grunt had with Flare?” Wrex: “It was like nothing I’ve ever seen before! The girl pretty much devoured everything in sight, at least that's what it seemed like.” Grunt: “Yeah, she ate more than even a starved varren that was completely deprived of food. I was surprised that there was any food left for anyone.” Wrex: “It was like she has the stomach of a black hole that devoured everything that it came in contact with.” Grunt: “Um...not to ask a stupid question or anything, but...do Fayelons even have stomachs?”
Everyone stood by, silent for a bit.
Garrus: “I...I didn’t even think of asking that.” Liara: “Hmm...now that you mentioned it, I didn’t even consider mentioning their physiology.” Miranda: “Say, Mordin, did you even find anything about their body structures or organs?” Mordin: “Glad you asked.”
He went onto his Omni-tool again.
Mordin: “Did notice some things about their physiology as I was scanning them. Asked the Fayelons for permission to look further into them. They didn’t seem to mind, although...spoke to me as though they, themselves, are curious about their own physiology.” Garrus: “The girls don’t even know much about their own bodies!?! Did their own society fail in teaching them that?” Liara: “Actually, it’s worse than that. I remember looking into one of the Intel Crystals and it spoke about their physiology. I was able to learn a lot about their vitals and functions of the different parts of their bodies. I was also told that such intel is something that not a lot of their own kind know about.” Tali: “Their kind is not normally taught about the functions of their own bodies? Is there any reason for that?” Grunt: “Maybe how their bodies function is too complicated for a lot of them to understand, such as how any species can reproduce.” Liara: “No, I did check the crystals. Their physiology is not difficult to understand, especially by them. Although, the strangest thing is they do learn how to reproduce at a shockingly younger age than we do.” Garrus: “Their kind is taught how to reproduce at a young age and yet they don’t even bother to teach much of them about how their bodily function? Is there a specific reason for that?” Liara: “I tried to ask that, but the entity that I spoke with was passive aggressive with me asking that question. I couldn’t find out anything about why that is.” Garrus: “Hmm...how their society functions is sounding more and more shady. I mean, I’m not one to question how another race’s society works but we do have a right to understand why it works the way it does.” Miranda: “Indeed, in my experience, withholding any intel from anyone sounds like a means of maintaining control over others. But...what could they be hiding by withholding information regarding their own bodies?” Liara: “Hmm...yes, something about all of this is very fishy.” Garrus: “Careful with saying that an earshot away from Splash.” Liara: “Yes, I know.” Hackett: “We’ll need to keep this in mind. It’s clear that there is a lot that their own kind is trying to hide, especially from the girls. We can only learn so much about the race from what the girls can provide.” Ashley: “We’ll also need to talk with them about what we have learned and see how much their own kind has been withholding from them.” Hackett: “I don’t think I need to say that this vigilante is even the start of our troubles regarding their kind. Once we’re able to deal with him, we’ll start on the process of going after every secret and shady function of their whole world.” Liara: “I wonder if the vigilante has anything to do with this.” Ashley: “I don’t know, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he has some involvement with this.”
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2020.10.22 16:28 Jiggha Weezer ranked

Note: Unreleased albums and their respective songs have not been listened to yet. This means I have not listened to any of Van Weezer or OK Human.
Albums Songs can score 0, .5, 1, or 1.5, depending on how much I like them. Some albums with lower ratios, like Hurley, have awesome songs that place them higher than some with higher score, such as Death to False Metal. My rating system does not allow any song to score more than 1.5 points. I am including Death to False Metal and Weezer (Teal).

  1. Pinkerton 15/10
  2. Weezer (Blue) 14.5/10
  3. Weezer (White) 13/10
  4. Everything Will Be Alright in the End 18/13
  5. Maladroit 16/13
  6. Weezer (Green) 10.5/10
  7. Hurley 7.5/10
  8. Weezer (Red) 10.5/10
  9. Death to False Metal 14/10
  10. Make Believe 11/12
  11. Weezer (Teal) 10/10
  12. Pacific Daydream 10.5/10
  13. Raditude 8.5/11
  14. Weezer (Black) - 5/10
Top Ten Singles These are the singles I thought were the best. They stick in my mind, they have good melodies, and they show off Weezer’s talent.
  1. The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (Variations on a Shaker Hymn)
  2. Island in the Sun
  3. Memories
  4. Pork and Beans
  5. Buddy Holly
  6. Thank God for Girls
  7. Da Vinci
  8. Hash Pipe
  9. The Good Life
  10. El Scorcho
Deep Cuts The best songs on the album that don’t get as much attention, excluding things like My Name is Jonas and Across the Sea. Limited to one song per album. No rarities. I included Death to False Metal.
Holiday
Falling for you
Knockdown Dragout
Burndt Jamb
Freak Me Out
Heart Songs
In The Mall
Unspoken
Blowin’ My Stack
Foolish Father
Summer Elaine and Drunk Dori
La Mancha Screwjob
Mr. Blue Sky
I’m Just Being Honest
Top Ten B-Sides and Rarities The songs found on Deluxe editions of Blue, Pinkerton, Red, Raditude, and White. I did not include Death to False Metal.
Nice Five: These ones are nice.
I Just Threw Out The Love of My Dreams
Friend of a Friend
Get Me Some
Fake Smiles and Nervous Laughter
Lullabye for Wayne
Awesome Five: These ones are awesome!
King
Turn Me Round
Long Time Sunshine
You Won’t Get With Me Tonight
Paperface
My Favorites in general The songs that are good on every album. List will go in chronological order, using the most popular version of the album (by amazon music).
TOP TEN Finally, the top ten Weezer songs. Chock-full of Unpopular Opinions.
  1. Summer Elaine and and Drunk Dori
  2. Time Flies
  3. Pork and Beans
  4. Unspoken
  5. Da Vinci
  6. Across the sea
  7. Only in Dreams
  8. Falling for you
  9. Burndt Jamb and Holiday
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2020.10.22 09:24 thetranquillife1 Live sex black girls

Thousands of Christians have been lured into sexual bondage. Christ wants and demands that we by set free from all vice, particularly sexual vice. Many Christians know this but still fail. What is lacking from the Church is practical information to overcome this temptation, and that's why I have compiled the following information and collated it for your benefit.
I will say it at the start, true victory comes through Christ. What does this mean? It means that you must be willing to change your ways and then believe upon the Lord Jesus, who died on the cross two thousand years ago to forgive you of your sins. To fight the 'flesh', the carnal nature that you have, you need the Spirit of God, and this only comes through faith in Christ, a Christ who saves us from our sins, yes, even our sexual sins.
Try and have a gospel-centred life every day. Listen to Christ-centred hymns/songs. Read parts of the NT. We are sanctified by the word of God, but also by focusing on God's love shown to sinners through His Son, Jesus Christ.
Reasons for Abstention

  1. Improve health – reduce stress, abdominal tension, reduce social anxiety, improve sleep, reduce boredom and increase drive
  2. Get closer to God, prepare for Christ’s return, and walk in the Spirit – whilst we are in the flesh, we cannot please God
  3. Peace of mind and conscience
Christian Sexual Ethics and Morality The Bible was written by men who transcribed the revelation of God. To understand the views of God in regards to His finest creation, man, one must have a good knowledge of His Scriptures.
The apostle Paul is the most prolific writer on sexuality, but Jesus also talked about lust and adultery. The Patristic Fathers followed in their footsteps, advocating chastity and sexual self-control.
The Bible is clear. Pre-marital sex, pornography, lustful looking, adultery, orgies, etc. are all sins, transgressions of God's Law. The Law, the Old Testament, shows us that we have failed to live up to God's standard, but fortunately, God sent His Son (a Person of the Trinity), Jesus Christ to die on a cross 2000 years ago for yours and my sin, so that if we have faith in Him, our sins might be forgiven and we may have eternal life! Now that is a love that lasts.
Though we obtain salvation through faith in Jesus Christ, we are still tempted by the Devil to return to former ways. God will sanctify us and make us more like Christ but we have to cooperate in this sanctification process.
Below is some information and a plan of action, to help you find relief from the temptations of the flesh. I pray a prayer, that we all might be released from the grip and slavery of the vice of pornography and sexual immorality.
N.B. if you are using a mobile smartphone, when you reach the tables below, you may have to scroll left to see all the columns.
SHORT TERM KNOWLEDGE In the fight against sexual immorality, I believe it is helpful to break the fight down into short term and long term knowledge and strategies.
1. Learn about the Addiction Cycle
https://preview.redd.it/jh5rxumcrfq41.png?width=246&format=png&auto=webp&s=002f690a373a8abb77ec97ec07ae265d8f83f5ac
2. If you suffer from porn-induced OCD, learn some management techniques
· The Schwartz OCD 4 Steps Rule: https://hope4ocd.com/foursteps.php
· When compulsions arise, recognise that nothing happens if you refuse to act. Nothing dreadful is going to happen to you. Just allow the thought to pass over your mind, through one ear and out the other. It may help to visualise this.
3. Recognise that you are NOT alone in your struggle
1 Cor. 10:13 - 13 No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.
· "In terms of basic results, they found that 73 percent of women and 98 percent of men reported internet porn use in the last six months, for a total of 85 percent of respondents. For porn use within the last week, the numbers were lower: 80 percent of men and 26 percent of women." Psychology Today
· "Thirty-seven percent of male clergy of various faith traditions report Internet pornography as "being a current struggle," and 57 percent of that group report compulsive Internet pornography use, according to a paper, "The Internet and Pornography,"" NCR Online
· Know that there are many testimonies of people that have overcome their dependency to internet pornography. These can be found on YouTube or websites through a simple Google search.
4. Recognise that you have been born into a cultural war. The Sexual Revolution, starting in the 1950s, has gathered pace and forced our parliaments to change its laws so that we, later descendants, would be burdened down by sexual immorality and vice. Despite previous generations allowing this sin, we must take responsibility for our own actions. A brief overview of the key events in the Sexual Revolution:
https://preview.redd.it/2pl55tc2sfq41.png?width=544&format=png&auto=webp&s=d1af06aba49fd1e9062104900bf44c4440cf452b
5. Tell and involve a trusted friend, church member? Although this is not a necessary step, many people have found this a healthy thing to do. Your friend may also struggle with the same problem and both of you may benefit be confiding in each other. Older church members may be able to give you good advice, however, it should be noted, that few of them will understand totally your predicament as porn was not so readily available back then and people did not really talk about sexual matters. Church counsellors are a safer bet, as they won’t attend your church and are likely to have no barriers when it comes to talking about sexual matters.
6. Recognise that you are most at risk when you are H.A.L.T. S. – Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Stressed
7. Research the Allen Carr Method – PMO EasyWay book download - https://www.pdfhost.net/index.php?Action=Download&File=1be79b10d1b533c2030f2ee2f2e65405
Introduction to the method (applied to smoking in the video, but it is equally applicable to PMO) can be found here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TL2Vh7goJc
Myth Truth
“PMO’ers need willpower to quit” Allen Carr's EasyWay requires no willpower
“PMO relieves stress” PMO increases stress
“PMO helps me to concentrate” PMO impedes concentration
"PMO helps me sleep" PMO worsens the quality of sleep
“PMO relieves boredom” PMO increases boredom
Stress, lack of concentration, sleep deprivation and boredom are, according to the Addiction Cycle above, all triggers for PMO.
The realisation of Allen Carr is that the act of smoking/PMO/drug taking etc. creates the symptoms with which the next cigarette/orgasm/injection etc. relieves. Therefore, the best time to stop is not tomorrow or next week, but rather today. Stop creating symptoms that you will then relieve through PMO.
Strategy · StickK - https://www.stickk.com/
  1. Register using an email
  2. Create a Custom Goal e.g. NoPMO, NoFap etc.
  3. Set the length of the goal e.g. 7, 14, 21 days etc. (above 27 the better)
  4. Set a stake e.g. £50/goal or £5/week
  5. Set a daily reminder on your phone e.g. "stickK - nofap - £5"
  6. Optional: get someone to become your Accountability Partner (AP)
  7. Use the Journal Log to document your progress
  8. When the goal is completed, consider starting a new one, that is much longer
· Install blockers on internet browsers e.g. Foxfilter, Blocksite, Adult Blocker
· Leave seductive social media e.g. Instagram, Snapchat, Tumblr, Tinder, etc.
On Streaks:
The success of a streak is not the length but rather the quality. During a streak, you should occupy yourself as much as possible, either in work, studies, outdoors etc.
Isaac Newton; "The way to chastity is not to struggle directly with incontinent thoughts but to avert the thoughts by some imployment, or by reading, or meditating on other things"
· Never put faith in the length of your streak as pride will follow. "Pride commeth before a fall."
· Expect relapses early on. The pleasure-centre of the brain takes time to recover.
On Relapsing
· Pray and ask for forgiveness but appropriate the forgiveness that comes through Christ. Emotion is understandable but don't give way to wallowing in self-pity (this will only allow Satan to gain a foothold). Upon confession, try not to dwell upon the setback again, trusting that God really has forgiven you, as His Word declares He will.
· Read through Psalm 51 and meditate on its truth. Psalm 51 is one of the penitential psalms and it is traditionally claimed to have been composed by king David as a confession to God after he sexually sinned with Bathsheba.
· Do not be tempted to think that because you have relapsed that you can do so again; when you get into a damp and stinky trench, you climb out as soon as you can.
· Do not think too much about the length of the streak: if you can, focus on the general trend of greater control over your sexual impulses, as evidenced through longer and longer streaks.
On nocturnal emissions (wet dreams)
As the length of the streak grows, the chance of a nocturnal emission increases.
I am of the opinion that such an occurrence is not a relapse, as it is involuntary, regardless of whether is was accompanied by a lustful dream or not.
One must be careful not to allow such an occurrence to tempt one to a deliberate relapse. After a few days, the immediate memory of it will pass, setting back on course again. However, if you are not married, and will not be for some time, you will have to learn to live with these happenings.
LONG TERM KNOWLEDGE To truly stay away from the evils of pornography and masturbation, one needs a deeper understanding of the problem.
1. Meditate on the Western concept of nudity. This may seem an odd remark but I believe this thought may prove of use. In more primitive societies, especially ones that are hot, women tend to not wear many clothes, therefore exposing their legs, arms and breasts. Now, because this was and still is their cultural norm, the men in those societies were and are less stimulated by the images of female nudity, than we are in the West, where the norm is where women cover the bodies, thus creating a taboo out of nudity. Now, I am neither endorsing one or the other, because clothing is often solely linked to the environmental climate in which people live, but I am saying that our Western reaction to nudity is somewhat socially and cultural constructed.
2. Meditate on the loneliness of the act. If this were a normal behaviour, why does one feel uncomfortable doing it in public? Why does one do it often in the dark, away from others? Is it because our subconscious knows that it is wrong? This rule can apply to most things: if you would not be willing to do it in the open, do not do it.
3. Contemplate the evils of the industry. Many people think that the porn industry and the sex trafficking industry are completely separate, however, this is not true. By watching pornography, you are generating demand, through your views, for more underage women to be exploited in horrific ways (note, we acknowledge that not all porn is non-consensual). As Christians, we should run a million miles away from industries that make profit from devaluing any humans, who are ALL made in the image of God, and who all deserve a chance at life, where they don't have to carry sexual guilt and shame around for the rest of their life, not to mention, the disease they could contract.
Additionally, porn can costs childhoods. Studies show a 1-in-14 chance of a child typing in a misspelled URL and stumbling upon a porn site by accident.
4. Consider the owners and producers of hard-core pornography
Below is a list of some not-so-pleasant people who are owners of the top global pornography sites. Investigate and read for yourself if you want, what kind of people they are and whether you want to be under their influence.
· Al Goldstein
· Ouissam Youssef
· Feras Antoon
· Stephane Michael Pacaud and Deborah Malorie Pacaud
5. How pornography warps our perceptions of intimacy
Peggy Orenstein: “Porn is much more accessible, and at much younger ages. Because there’s so much of it, and because it’s trying to be competitive with itself to get more viewers, it becomes more extreme. It presents an image of sexuality that is about as realistic as pro-wrestling and an image of women and women’s bodies and women’s pleasure that is about as accurate as ‘The Real Housewives’ is to marriage… Everything in porn is a performance, and it’s encouraging girls to see sex as a performance and boys to see girls’ sexuality as a performance.”
Exploitation:
Organisation Findings
International Labor Organization (ILO) 4.5 million people are trapped or forced into sexual exploitation globally.
Thorn In one survey, 63% of underage sex trafficking victims said they had been advertised or sold online.
ILO While only 22% of global trafficking victims are trafficked for sex, sexual exploitation earns 66% of the global profits from human trafficking. The average annual profit generated by each woman in forced sexual servitud ($100,000) is estimated to be six times more than the average profits generated by each trafficking victim worldwide ($21,800)
Rescue:Freedom In 9 countries, 49% of sexually exploited women said that pornography was made of them while they were being sold for sex.
Below are some scientific and scriptural reasons, backed up by evidence, that show pornography to be a menace to our bodies, minds and souls.
Scientific:
Reason Evidence
It could lead to escalation in genre and potentially to acting out (i.e. doing what you view) https://fightthenewdrug.org/why-consuming-porn-is-an-escalating-behavio
It increases social anxiety and weakens your confidence https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/is-porn-making-my-social-anxiety-confidence-depression-anxiety-ocd-bipolar-worse/
It will ruin intimacy in marriage https://www.verywellmind.com/is-pornography-destroying-your-marriage-2302509
It can triggeaggravate depression, particularly if the content is traumatic to the viewer https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/inside-porn-addiction/201111/can-pornography-trigger-depression
It increases the concentration of DeltaFosB in the brain, leading to dependency and mental impairment https://www.nhs.uk/news/neurology/watching-porn-associated-with-male-brain-shrinkage/
It may decrease your testosterone levels which could cause erectile dysfunction, reduced bone mass, hair loss etc. https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/any-connection-between-orgasm-abstinence-and-testosterone-levels/has-too-much-masturbation-decreased-my-testosterone-levels/ and https://www.healthline.com/health/side-effects-of-low-testosterone
It may cause ‘sex headaches’ and abdominal aches https://www.jonbarron.org/article/pornography-headaches
Scriptural:
Reason Evidence
It can lead to other sins Romans 1:28-31
Your inheritance in the kingdom of God is at stake Galatians 5:19-21
It will rob you of your peace Psalm 119:165
It will diminish your assurance of faith 2 Cor. 13:5
You sin against your own body 1 Cor. 6:18
You will grieve the Holy Spirit Ephesians 4:30
It could sear your conscience 1 Timothy 4:2
Strategies 1. Cultivate a practice of Spiritual Thoughtfulness
· Think of your hour of death. Will you be pleased with yourself for doing such actions? Will you want to look back on your life, and wish you had lived a life of obedient faith more?
· Think of yourself stood before Christ, to receive reward for the deeds done in the body. Are you positively contributing positively towards your treasures in Heaven?
· Think upon the power of God and the forgiving power of Christ and how greater they are when compared to the power of darkness and Satan
· Consider the physical and social consequences of such actions
· Consider the immediate spiritual consequences of such actions
· Consider that we may be close to the return of Christ and how we should want to receive Him and be received by Him as a holy people
2. Memorise relevant scriptures
· Romans 8:1
· 1 Corinthians 6:18
· 1 Corinthians 6:11
· John 6:37
· Hebrews 2:18
3. Exchange lies for truth
Lie Truth
“God is stingy” God is good – Deuteronomy 10:12-13
“Sinful pleasures are fulfilling” Sinful pleasures are fleeting – Hebrews 11:24-26
“People are objects” People are image bearers – Genesis 1:27
“Sexual sin is harmless” Sexual sin is defrauding – 1 Thessalonians 4:3-6
“I can turn back to God whenever I want” You may harden your heart to such a point that you don’t want to turn back – Hebrews 3:13
“My past defines me” Christ’s blood defines you - 1 Corinthians 6:11
“I have no option but to give into temptation” God provides a way of escape – 1 Corinthians 10:13
4. Join online communities that encourage you in your faith
e.g. Facebook groups
5. Make a ‘covenant with your eyes’
· Job 31:1-4 - 1 “I have made a covenant with my eyes; how then could I gaze at a virgin? 2 What would be my portion from God above and my heritage from the Almighty on high? 3 Is not calamity for the unrighteous, and disaster for the workers of iniquity? 4 Does not he see my ways and number all my steps?
6. Make a practice of prayer and confession
· Relationship with Christ, is developed and cultivated through prayer and confession. Although Christ has forgiven every sin at the Cross, we still need to confess our sins before Him (1 John 1:9). You will feel so much better after giving the burden of sin to Christ.
7. Individuals who struggled with lust but gained victory:
· Early Christians - 1 Cor. 6:9-11
· St Augustine
· St Moses the Ethiopian
Summary Concluding Quotes: "Sex was designed by God to be linked to procreation and marriage. It was not meant to be a full-time obsession."
"Sex is the mysticism of materialism and the only possible religion in a materialistic society... If God is dead, somebody is going to have to take his place. It will be megalomania or erotomania, the drive for power or the drive for pleasure, the clenched fist, or the phallus, Hitler or Hugh Hefner." Malcolm Muggeridge
Pornography. Literally, the writing of harlots; the depiction of erotic behaviour intended to cause sexual excitement. Since sex is of almost universal interest, allusions to it are legitimate and necessary if dramatic or literary descriptions of human life are to be truthful or educative; but an enormous market exists for those who exploit sex for gain. Psychologically, the over-stimulation of imagination by sexual images renders the whole personality oversexed by disproportionately concentrating thought and desire, often to the point of pornographic addiction; it coarsens feelings and attitudes toward the other sex as tools for sexual indulgence, unrefined by affection, tenderness, or respect; it inverts the sex drive into sterile, self-absorbed, physical pleasure alone - "mental masturbation"; and because over-stimulation brings diminishing effects, it leads readily to mental indulgence in increasingly coarser, sadistic perversions - "hardcore" pornography.
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2020.10.22 08:02 Caliponix Live girls sex black

I spent five years of my life in love with a predator. I question my judgement, with every encounter, because I know this snake got past it. I call him X.
I Loved Him. I felt soo lucky that he seemed interested in me, despite the ‘disadvantage’ of being 23 years younger than him. This wasn’t a trend in my life, I’d never dated someone remotely that far from my age range. It was something about X. I fell in love with his brain, his humor, the way my skin tingled when he touched me. For a while the chemistry was pure and electric.
There were issues, but they mostly seemed to come back at me. I was significantly less well off than X, he was a Dr. A well respected GP within his community. I was a single mother in my early 20s, and working at that time as a certified massage therapist. Daily life was a struggle for me, and X used money as a reason to withhold respect. If I wanted respect, I could be an equal contributor. Except he would always assure me that he knew I probably wouldn’t be able to make a comparable amount of money to him, he would accept it if I just achieved what he knew I was capable of. Because of how much he loved, and believed in me. Of course, getting a better job, rounding out my education, and raising my daughter were priorities for me, so him pushing me towards these things rang no alarms at the time.
I have spent most of my 20s trying to ‘Make It’. I’m 30 now. I didn’t ‘Make it’.
When X and I had been together about a year, when I was a 24 year old mother of 1, I learned that I had a genetic condition called Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. The diagnosis was difficult to hear, but it clarified many of the unexplained health issues that had complicated my path to self sufficiency.
It was this diagnosis that led me to two, very painful, realizations. 1) I needed to retire from the career that was supporting my needs 2) I shouldn’t have any more children. For my health and theirs.
X was fine with us not planning to have children; he even got a vasectomy the following year. It was harder for me to accept. I had always hoped to have at least two children, I’m a middle child of four, and I wanted my daughter to have a sibling. It was a frequent subject of discussion for the year before his vasectomy, and even for some time after. I had a lot of trouble reconciling my understanding of my medical problems with my desires for the family I wanted to build.
X had 2 children of his own, a boy and a girl. Our kids were all 3 years apart, with my daughter being the youngest (*3yo at the start of our relationship). Neither he nor his children got on well with my daughter, despite me having a good relationship with both of his children. I couldn’t seem to get them to stop treating my daughter like an intruder, to give her the same latitude and understanding that they gave each other… I failed at communicating this, or preventing the bullying from affecting my daughter. I’ll carry the shame of that for the rest of my life. When my daughter comes to me about this one day, I’ll have no defense. Only apologies. She deserved so much better than that.
The really sad part is that I was convinced that she was still better off in that situation, than with me alone. I was so beaten down, so convinced of my own ineptitude. I relied on X to be the stability he said I lacked. At least she lived in a nice house, room to run and play safely, a tree-house to zip line off of (X and I spent 2 years building that), and chickens to chase. My daughter is just 10 now, and still has fond memories of that house, and the home we had there. I wonder when she’ll start to remember the bad. I’ll be here for her when she does.
INCIDENT: It was probably early fall, I can’t quite remember the exact details because this night was like so many others. Until it wasn’t. We had gone out to our hot tub, smoked some weed, X had a whisky and I had a hard cider. X had taken an Ambien right before getting into the hot tub, without planning to go to sleep, or telling me that he had taken a drug that impaired him to that degree. I don’t remember much about the conversation we’d had, but I do remember that I had to put a tampon in before getting in the hot-tub, since I was on the tail end of my period (Sorry TMI, but its relevant).
We came inside, toweled off, and were snacking away our munchies in the kitchen while family guy played on the TV in the living room. The open floor plan had the back of the main sofa parallel with the kitchen island, maybe 8 feet apart. Our heavy robes for walking in/outside were draped over the back of the couch, along with our clothes.
X was being sexual, groping me and manhandling me more than was typical even for him. I was beginning to sense that something was wrong. We were standing in front of the dishwasher; I had my back to the counter. We started to kiss, I tried to gently push him back from me, and he responded by grabbing me by the throat. He pushed me backwards quickly, with his body pressed against my legs holding them in place he forced my upper body straight back onto the counter. I was bent like an L over that counter backwards, I thought I had broken my spine, or ruptured a disc. After all, I could only go on the intensity of the pain I was feeling, which was extreme. I cried out “PANDA!!!” which while ridiculous, was also my safe word. He ignored it.
I began to scream, frantic shrieks of pain. At first X looked annoyed, but then he started to laugh. He pulled me down from the counter and dropped me to the floor facedown. I was still screaming. I was Begging him for help, while he watched me writhe. He told me to Shut Up. He kept laughing at me the whole time. Insulting me… for my low pain tolerance I guess. I slowly began to pull myself away from him, towards to sofa in the living room. Mostly I was dragging myself by my arms, as my legs were seized up and numb still from the trauma to my spinal column. I can’t remember everything he said, I only remember feeling increasing dread when he finally walked over to me. I wasn’t sure what was about to happen.
He reached down and pulled me up by my right wrist, and tossed me facedown over the back of the couch. My face was buried in the back of the brown suede seat, and I could feel X behind me, pressed against my butt, hard. He slapped my behind several times, very hard and then he was clearly about to start having sex with me. All the while I’m saying No No No over and over again, Panda, over and over again. At one point, right before he was about to enter I almost got him to stop, I cried “I’ve got a tampon in!” I felt his pause. Then he laughed again, and said he didn’t care. He entered me. Despite the waterlogged tampon in the way he just plugged away. It hurt very much. Sex was painful for weeks after that, but X seemed oblivious as to why my vag might need a @#%ing break. He didn’t apologize that I recall, or bring it up. I certainly didn’t. I kept my head down, worked my two jobs and juggled full time college courses. Dying inside. Being the best girlfriend he didn’t deserve, so that I could protect the life I had built for myself and my daughter.
INCIDENT: Nov 5-19th continuous It began just after election night. I got sick, very sick, while I was at my campus taking one of my classes. X and his kids had to come and pick me up because I wasn’t able to drive. He was very put out about it all, it was an inconvenience to him. I spent the next week with a rising fever, constant vomiting, a headache that’s close cousins with a hatchet, and body aches with chills fit to shatter me apart. I medicated for my symptoms, Tylenol, ibuprofen, all the standard stuff, which of course I had on hand living with an M.D. X kept a pharmacy in his walk in closet and under the sink. I tried to take care of myself, because DR X wanted nothing to do with me.
He felt I was ‘too upset’ about the election. It was nbd that Trump was setting down the path that led to HERE (10/21/2020). This was his justification for ignoring me while I wilted away. Sunday he left me alone, with all three children and informed me that it was my job to supervise them through all their Sunday chores while he was out. Never mind that I wound up chasing those cats until sanity demanded that I take a break from puking so I could do their chores myself. That way X wouldn’t come down on me for them not being done. I don’t know how I did it. He came home at the kids’ bedtime, and didn’t express any concern for me. It was Monday night when I took my temperature, it was 104.4 F.
I knew I was in serious trouble. X was out with his son, and his daughter with her mother, so I called a friend to take me to an urgent care. They transported me to a nearby hospital where I stayed for a week while under treatment for an aggressive kidney infection. It had been difficult to diagnose initially, because of my medical history with kidney infections, I’m generally pretty sure when I have one. But this sneaky bugger was asymptomatic, so I just thought I had a WICKED FLU that I needed to wait out.
X showed up 2x while I was in the hospital. Once the night I was admitted, to bring me a few things (*I think? Can’t really remember what happened that night, I was delirious), he didn’t hang around long. The next time was to pick, me up, the following Friday afternoon. I thought maybe he’d feel badly about how he’d treated me the week before, as I’d been getting sicker. He did initially, I thought. He wanted me to come with him, he said, to a friend’s house for a barbeque.
He’d been invited, and he’d been so busy all week and hadn’t had any time for HIM. “So it would mean so much if we could do this together, baby, please?” It turns out this friend was someone I’d met before, and didn’t have a great relationship with. I’d mostly been able to deescalate and stay chill around this guy, but he’s a real life troll who loves ticking people off, so it was a real struggle. It didn’t help that his relationship with his longtime girlfriend was one of the most obviously abusive relationships I’d ever seen. His name was Greg.
After attempting to get him to go on his own, let me stay home and rest (I was still sick, just well enough finally to leave the hospital). He insisted, he wouldn’t be able to enjoy himself if he went and left me home. It was key for his enjoyment that I be present. I wasn’t sure why at the time. I knew what would happen if I insisted on staying home. He would pout the whole night, and whine about how he couldn’t have any fun because he was busy being the BEST GUY EVER and tolerating my preferences. It would be less trouble I thought, to tolerate Greg for a few hours. Get some ground made up with X, let him know his needs were important to me. He claimed constantly that no one worried about his needs, they just expected him to fill theirs. He had been distant, and cruel. He was being nice to me right then, and I didn’t want it to change. I had felt so alone in the hospital, so ill for so long, I just wanted to be happy with my boyfriend for the time being. So.. off we went to Gregory’s house.
It was a long drive, about 45 minutes. We listened to music and talked about nothing, it was nice. As we were winding the long dirt road that was Greg’s driveway X casually tossed out: “Hey, just so you know, Greg is really happy about the election. Turns out he’s a huge Trump guy.” JUST F#$*ING GREAT
I generally prefer to avoid conflict. Its one of my chief character traits/flaws, and X was in no way ignorant of how stressful I would find this situation. I had brought along a book, and told him I planned to keep to myself and read my book. I wasn’t interested in engaging with Greg this way. But it was too late to back out, the drive was too long and I’d come in X’s car. I was stuck, and he knew it.
Greg started in on me right away. He basically ignored X and focused all his efforts on taunting the SJW snowflake millennial. I tried to ignore his baiting, and be civil, but indicate that I preferred to read my book, not talk about politics. He ignored this and instead grilled my awareness of Alt-right talking points against the Clintons. This went on for hours. I kept my cool for a long time. I tried to argue with facts, and not be diverted by his many attempts to bait me.
In order to gain some brief respite I wound up volunteering to cook dinner for everyone, since Greg’s browbeaten girlfriend couldn’t seem to figure out what would make ‘the men’ happy. She was so relieved when I offered; she scampered off to watch true c rime while I made Sloppy Joes, mac’n cheese, and a Caesar Salad. Greg showed up once the plates hit the table, tucked in and started straight back on politics.
I admit, I knew when I said that Trump’s history as a chauvinist and alleged Rapist made him unfit for office that I would strike a nerve. Turns out it was Greg’s Hulk Button. He literally turned purple defending Trump(?)’s relationships with women. It was at this point that true insults, no longer disguised thinly as jokes began to fly between Greg and I. X NEVER OPENED HIS MOUTH. He just Watched.
After a few moments of escalating screaming, I left Greg’s home and went outside to wait for X, so we could leave. X didn’t come out for almost half an hour. He told me later that he was trying to calm down Greg, he felt bad that I’d upset him.
As we drove off in silence, one question kept coming up in my mind, and finally I asked him: “Why did you want me to come? Didn’t you know this would happen?” “No!” he insisted “I just thought it would be funny, give you a chance to rip into a trump guy, right?” “You know I hate conflict in general, and arguing with stupid people in specific! How could you think this was ok?” I never got an adequate answer from him. He usually claims ignorance of the potential outcome. If that’s true, then he’s a lot less smart than he likes to assert. I spent the next few days resting at home, doing my best to avoid him, and the inevitable conflict that would follow.
INCIDENT: Spring 2017 Another incident with a friend of X’s. His name is Ted. Ted comes over to our house one day and starts playing the Libertarians favorite game: bait the libtard (his words)
I’m trying to be a good hostess, fetching drinks and politely listening to this man explain away societies problems based on his experiences as a ‘self made career military man’. Dude fixes Blackhawk helicopters. He’s in his sixties, I think. X sat there, while Ted talked about the wage gap being a figment of the liberal imagination. Women and men get paid the same for the same work, period. This was his stance, and X replies “Yeah, I don’t know any female Dr’s who make less than me, if they work as hard.”
I was stunned. Not only was this a**hole in my house spouting chauvanist BS--Ugh, sorry, this still steams me up..—X was agreeing with him, supporting his arguments. I was so angry, but felt outnumbered so I opted to retreat. I left the house and went for a cigarette. When I came back Ted was getting on his motorcycle and left. He was so shaken by the whole interaction he wrecked a few miles away, luckily sustaining only minor injuries. I was blamed for this by X. But we didn’t know that Yet.
We began to argue heatedly, I was angry and hurt that he had sided with Ted on this Factually documented issue in our society. When I brought this up, he insisted he was as Woke as Woke Gets, and if I really loved him I would know that of course he supports women’s rights, black rights, trans rights, gay rights.. until one of his friends disagrees. Then his views magically shift to line up with all these right wing conservative libertarian guys, which seemed to compromise about 60% of his friend group.
The fight got more heated. I tried to leave, to cool off, and X insisted I needed to stay, to work things out. We were in our bedroom, and he blocked my access to the door. I was overwrought and coming undone, I wanted nothing more in that moment than to get away from him. He grabs my arms above the elbows and wrestles me to the ground. I writhed, trying to get away. My left elbow was ground into the carpet repeatedly, and I have the scars of blotches on my arm 3 years later where they were skinned.
I was blamed for this. I was blamed for ‘ruining our date night’ because I had an issue with something totally unimportant. I’d over reacted. He convinced me that I had. I could only push so far before the knowledge that my ability to provide a home for my daughter hinged on this relationship working. No way could I afford a place on my own on one salary, let alone one fit to share with my then six year old. We went on our date night that night, a group dinner with many of his friends. He didn’t speak to me the whole evening, barely even on the ride home. That was how he acted after he got his way. To really hammer home that it wasn’t worth it for me to take any issue, with anything he said or did. I think that was the day I realized I had to leave him. It would take time, and I needed a plan.
EXODUS: I spent 2 months looking for a place to live, searching for new jobs, new options. In July I went to a protest on Monument Avenue in Richmond, and there I ran into some old friends, people I hadn’t hung out with since I met X. For the first time in a long time, I was social with someone other than HIS friends, or people at my work or school. I was a very busy person, always going. I’d spent 5 years getting more and more isolated. The floodgates opened, and I told them what was happening. They helped me coordinate, and find a place that I could move to inside of the week. I had a plan; my dad was even flying out to help me move. X still didn’t know.
This was something I struggled with a lot, I felt dishonest, which I suppose is accurate. I lied to him, told him everything was OK. I was withdrawn, and quiet, but mostly focused on not rocking the boat before I could spring my plan into action. I didn’t want to emotionally scar my daughter, so I prepared her, and her father agreed to keep her with him until I made the switch. X was relieved to have time without her around, he didn’t question it.
Just three days before my dad was going to fly in, I was sleeping in my daughter’s bed (for privacy and safety), and was awoken by X, screaming in my face. He’d opened up my phone and gone through my texts, found out what I was planning, and lost his freaking mind. He couldn’t believe that I’d lied to him about wanting to work on our relationship when I was planning to bounce. I told him it was because of this kind of reaction from him that I’d kept the secret. He was flabbergasted, I remember him saying that he –“can’t believe You would ever leave ME, you promised me you’d NEVER leave!”
That really took me aback. I felt a well of guilt, because I HAD promised him that. Then I remembered, I made that promise before he violently raped me. Then I felt less guilt. I told him in no uncertain terms that I was done with him, and he was the reason why. That he’s the demon that haunts my dreams now. When I left following this confrontation, he was throwing my stuff after me, telling me that my life would fall apart without him.
I really wanted him to be wrong. I wish he had been wrong. More than anything, I wish this were the end of the story.
SPIRALLING: For awhile things were ok, I was working multiple jobs, and was able to meet my expenses, and take care of my daughter. The place I was living was 90 min from God and Everywhere, but it was rent free, so that balanced a lot. Then, my health began to spiral. I was in and out of the ER multiple times, and my mental state was beginning to show cracks. Anxiety and depression were ruling my whole life, and I was a wreck. My physical health was what made it all go pear shaped though. I lost two jobs in one week, because of health related issues. I was Fainting, vomiting, etc. It makes you an unreliable employee, dontcha know? So, suddenly money was a serious problem, and the cracks in my mental state turned into the Grand FREAKING Canyon. Straight up, I had a mental breakdown. My best efforts had failed. X had been right. I was a failure. My daughter deserved better than me. At this time she started staying more with her father, and I would visit her there. I didn’t feel capable anymore, I was broken.
Then, there was this day, where my friend had kindly offered to let me stay at his house while I tried to snap myself out of it. I climbed into the shower.. and I didn’t leave it for almost three days. I just cried. Constantly.
In a moment of weakness, I reached out to X, whom I had totally cut off contact with several months before. He was doing great! He’d started going to therapy, and meditating every day. Really ‘worked’ on himself. He seemed like a totally different man than the one I’d left the year before. I began to wonder if I’d made a mistake.
X spent a lot of time with me for the next few weeks, trying to help me put myself back together. I was very near the danger zone… mentally speaking, and I felt a lot of gratitude to him for helping me out of my spiral.
Now, lets fast forward to August 2019. I had moved from my home on the east coast out to AZ to be closer to my dad. My daughter is currently living overseas with her father (who has been supportive throughout this process) and thriving. I am somehow able to better serve her as her mother from a distance, we talk every day, discuss life and difficulties. Its not ideal, but in the times of Covid, I’m just glad that she’s somewhere safe.
Now, this was right after she’d left the country, and the situation was still fresh. I was lonely, and sad. I missed my daughter. I’d had her with me every single day for a year, and suddenly, poof, she’s gone.
X calls me, and says he has plans to go to Dragon Con in Atlanta, just like he and I had done together the last four years. He wants me to go with him. Offers to buy my ticket and take care of the plane, he insisted he wouldn’t have any fun there if I wasn’t with him. I decided that it would be a good distraction, which I needed at that point. I thought, after a full year of weekly therapy and daily meditation and self reflection, as well as many discussions with me regarding the abuse he committed against me while we were together. He seemed to truly have internalized what I’d told him, and done the work to address his behaviors. I felt safe to go. Surely, things would be different now. I feel like such an idiot.
At first, things were mostly ok. We walked around the booths, saw famous people, smoked, and hung out with people that we’d met there over the years. One such man was Justin. I’d only met him one other year, and hadn’t spent much time around him before this. However, this time, he was in the room next door to ours, so the run ins and hang outs were more frequent. He, X and I spent most of the weekend together going around the Con. Saturday night, while riding up the Marriott elevator to our rooms, Justin casually mentioned that if we ever wanted a partner for a 3 way, he would be down.
At first I thought he was joking, and then X looked at me. Grinned and winked. This wouldn’t be a first for us, he has a voyeurism thing, and I have an ‘I like good sex’ thing. We chatted about it briefly before realizing we were all very much down for this. We spent the entire next day and a good chunk of the night in bed. Not gonna go into detail there, sorry.
Ok, I do have to go into some detail, very minor. While the three of us had been mutually involved all day, it turned out that the pairing that ended the session was Justin and I. By the end of it I was so sore, unless you have lady parts I don’t know how to convey how tender and raw my insides felt after this MARATHON session of really lovely sex. Some of it was even with X.
Justin packs up to leave in the morning, the con is over, and the mass exodus of nerds has begun. Our hotel checkout isn’t until the afternoon, X plans to drop me off at the airport before beginning his drive home. Once Justin goes, X tells me that before I leave, he wants us to have sex one more time. I told him I was in too much pain, No. I was pretty firm on that point. He told me that after paying for everything, including my plane home, he wanted to be the last penis inside me, and since it was so important to his emotional state he contended that I should just lay back and think of England. So, that’s exactly what happened. It was excruciating. I thought about it the entire plane ride home. My dad was so mad that I had gone on the trip with X in the first place that he and his wife stopped talking to me when I came back. I mean, they were right. I couldn’t tell them what had happened. It’s my own fault, right? My own shitty judgment.
He didn’t really change. His feelings (a.k.a: dick) were more important than my physical pain.
I don’t know why I didn’t cut him off right then.
We were in contact fairly frequently over the last year. We are not together, but X tries to maintain that connection with me. Saying I’m free to date who I want, obviously, but wait, who are you going out with? Will there be men there? Do they have PENISES??? I’m exaggerating, ok. Let’s just say he was hyper aware of the potential of me meeting someone else. He would talk about the singularness of our love, how nothing else could compare. He constantly brought up the idea that we would end up together, once our kids were grown and his parents die he’s pretty sure that’s all our relationship issues dealt with. I usually responded tepidly. I told him I didn’t think that was likely, that we broke up for damn good reasons. None of that ever stuck to his Teflon brain. I felt like I still needed him. I don’t really get why. Part of it is defiantly medical. I’ve relied on his help for way too long. In a world with unreliable insurance coverage knowing a Dr can save you a pretty penny. But I realized, recently, that knowing him is a stone around my neck. I’ve gone no contact. I hope it’s for the last time.
Unless there is some way for me to force him to face some accountability for this shit, I never want to speak to him again. I thought he’d changed, I thought maybe I’d helped make him a better man. I didn’t, I just made him a better manipulator.
ISMS: X- “The Safest place for you is Right next to Me.” “You know, you take this for granted, but I’m in this because I LOVE you, not because I’m worried about where I’m gonna live, or if I can keep custody of my kids! I’m in this because I Value You.” “WHAT?!-That was Rape??” “There’s nothing stopping you, you just need to try harder (subtext: Be More Like Me)
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