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2020.07.28 23:27 RomaruDarkeyes Spy boys wanking

Also known by my players as "Everyone is a dragon..."
One of my longest running campaigns that I ran for nigh on 3 years which one of my players kept a running adventure log on the forum on Giant in the Playground. There are many stories regarding this group but I've got a few of my favourites that I would like to share.
To begin with; the party
Jaune Dupree – human ninja. This is the guy who made the adventure log that I am cribbing from so a lot of the stuff was written from his perspective. Bit of a power gamer despite having very little experience prior; I suspect a lot of his game playing knowledge came from optimising sites where the best characters were optimised builds. In terms of the crunch he was very book smart, and could (and still does) know game mechanics to a degree that I don't think I can match. But his only previous experience of playing was one other game.
Ocelot – human gunslinger. My IRL brother and at this point was one of the only players with any previous roleplaying experience.
Yurion – a female human lore oracle. Player is a bit more hands off than some because of social anxiety problems IRL, and so didn't want to (initially) play a front line fighter. Statted more for roleplay rather than combat which caused some issues occasionally when the rest of the party turned out to be somewhat murderhobo... Became the groups tactician and planner as the player is stupidly good at cunning plans, and would tend to hand me notes from time to time asking "Would it be possible to do this?" because of not wanting to announce to the group and possibly look foolish.
Sim (with an E) - a female human druid with a cheetah animal companion. Solid player with reasonable normal aspirations and goals. Became the party front liner and occasional spy when she would become a rat and sneak into places. As far as the 'E' in her name - to this day I don't know where it goes in the spelling... The players for Yurion and Sim were IRL partners so they kept it going in to the game as well. No objections - made things neater.
Draspher - human sorcerer focused on summoning and the only good aligned character (everyone else is neutral in some way) which considering how things turned out for him makes it even funnier as time went on... Took no offensive spells at all, other than the spells dedicated to summon monster, and statted his build into boosting those aspects. Many of the funniest stories regarding this group involved Draspher. His player had no prior experience of roleplaying (which was fine) and he was taking hints and tips from the player for Jaune (the afformentioned power gamer) who barely had experience himself.

Setting is a semi steampunk esque homebrew setting that I made up the framework for. The players were part of a guild of adventurers that would be hired out to paying customers which would usually allow me to slot in standalone modules as their 'jobs'. This was with the intention that as they became higher level there would be an underlying story thread that would permeate throughout.
Because of the relatively high tech and high magic setting, I wanted to instill some level of control into the setting to ensure that players couldn't run roughshod over the populace with their abilities. So magic is known and accepted but also has safeguards that are easily accessed - i.e. a player with invisibilty couldn't just walk into a bank and clear out the vault with a bag of holding. Sensible things mostly that would come up as and when the situation required it.

So in this instance, a set of thieves tools is a controlled item that you can purchase if you have the correct paperwork and authorisation. Jaune Dupree had neglected to purchase a set prior to this and they were tasked with breaking into the local mob headquarters to find evidence that the local crime lord was working with a guy looking to overthrow the local government.
I'm very open ended when it comes to giving players freedom, so they had any options they could think of on the table. They could have kicked in the door and taken the info, they could attempt to get the information by diplomacy/bribery etc.
They elected to break in - sensible idea. So part of the team (Yurion and Sim) elect to find the building plans for the hideout that the don is using to get the best intel for entry. After a frantic Oceans 11 style heist which turns into a scene from Benny Hill (including Yakety Sax featuring a cheetah...) they had the building plans which thanks to some good local knowledge and insight rolls using these plans pushed Jaune in the direction of "I should get some thieves tools so I can crack the locks quicker."
The local blacksmith tells them no can do - he needs authorisation from the local guard house for that. So off he trots, with Draspher along because "You've got a high CHA stat and social skills, and you aren't currently being sought out for an incident involving a cheetah". Yurion clearly being the other party face character.
They start chatting with the guard and tells them he needs some "thieves tools" and hands over his guild credentials. "No problem" says the guard "that'll be 3-4 weeks".
"Oh... I kind of need them now. I'm going to be leaving town in a couple of days to go tomb raiding and I don't want to let my party down"
"Sorry boss. I have to check these credentials aren't forged, and that's going to mean getting confirmation from your guild HQ"
Their guild had no office in this particular town - it was one of the reasons they were tapped for the job as they weren't locally known.
Draspher at this point pipes up, "I can handle this." and proceeds to dump a bag of about 500 gold pieces onto the desk and says "I think this should cover it"
At which point Jaunes player turns to Drapher's player and yells "The fuck?!?!?!"
Masterwork thieves tools are only 100 gold as it is, but that wasn't what was bothering him. It was how Draspher had 500 gold to throw around. Turns out that Draspher had a lot LOT more than that. He hadn't spent any gold on anything, and was still wandering round in his basic adventuring clothes that he had from the day we started playing - which was a wizards robes, staff, hat etc (remember this - it will be important), he hadn't bought any wands, scrolls, staffs etc. IIRC the players were level 7 at that point and I had stayed pretty close to the Pathfinder reccomended gold by level listing - so his total character wealth was supposed to be about 23,500 gold. Because he'd never upgraded his stuff, he had most of that gold on him in his pack (I believe he did have a handy haversack so it wasn't weighing him down carrying all that gold)
Jaune - being the typical murderhobo - had spent pretty much his whole allotment of gold that he got on improving his gear. Very rarely did he keep any spending money more than a few hundred gold for inn trips and occasional expenses and he never bought anything that he didn't think he would use - hence only now buying thieves tools.
So before I could stop them I told them that the guard took a very surprised look at the money, pocketed it, and then put it into his cloak.
"If you lads come back later, I'll have something for you"
Jaune's character "Aww crap... Can I roll sense motive?"
Me: "Of course you can"
Rolls - "Shit... Draspher - you roll it" (Didn't even tell me his roll. Presumably it was a skill he put no points in as it didn't involve killings"
Drasphers player rolls - "So I got a 10 on the dice? Is that good?"
Jaune "No, remember you have to add your sense motive score too"
Draspher "Oh... Okay, I got a 9 then"
Jaune - HEADDESK.....
So I tell them you detect no falsehood from him. He seems pleasantly friendly.
... So in actuality he's working for the mob... And he's seen the absurd amount of cash that Draspher just pulled out of his pockets and the superior quality of the gear that Jaune is wearing and figures them for well off marks.

Because the other members of the party are still potentially being looked for by the local guard, it's decided that they will come with, but they will follow a little ways behind. Draspher and Jaune turn up to the guard house, and the guard comes out and motions for them to follow him.
He leads them on a merry chase across the town a short ways before heading into the slum area of the town. The other party members are following behind but maintaining a reasonable distance and relying on Sim's perception score to keep them in sight (Sim had a really good perception score, and they were exactly difficult to spot with Draspher in his robes)
The guard moves down an alleyway, and the pair follow dutifully onwards. He reaches the end of the alleyway and turns and he's flanked by 2 other guys, and 2 further people move in to the back of the alley to cut off escape. There's also two more gentlemen that appear on the roof of the buildings either side, one with a crossbow, the other with some sort of grenade weapons.
"Give us the rest of the money, and we might consider letting you live"
Jaune "Funny, I extend to you the same courtesy" - knowing that the rest of the party is not far behind.
"Listen boy, there's 7 of us..."
At which point Jaunes player announces "I turn invisible using my ninja vanishing trick"
So I give him the surprise round and he turns invisible. Meanwhile poor Drasphers player is like
"Motherfucker abandoned me!!" so I ruled that because he wasn't expecting it, that he would have to take his turn in the normal turn order.
We rolls initiative - he rolls really high and gets first action.
"Two can play at that game!", and he casts invisibilty on himself.
"Cool, okay. Do you want to do anything else?"
It was months later I find out that he didn’t know that he could move. He had only cast summons up to that point and so had no idea that not every spell is a full round action
"...Okay..." And so the bandits go.
Now these guys have names - I have a tendency to do that as a DM when forming organisations; I don't give every single NPC a name, but if there is a local mob, or blacksmith, or a person of significance I tend to put a little effort in.
So you had bandits like Sammy the stab, or Tattoo McGee etc,
....and Arnold the arsonist...
Arnold the arsonist likes fire. He likes it so much that his weapon of choice is alchemist fire. He's been told by his boss that he is not to 'burn the merchandise' but if they try to escape he can throw some fire to keep them boxed in.
Suddenly turning invisible threw out his thinking a little bit, so he immediately throws two bottles of alchemist fire (I gave him a couple of attacks because of it being 'his thing'), one at where they were and one further down the alley behind them.
Jaune has headed backwards towards the two guys, but then has to pull a fairly sharp U turn to avoid being burnt by the fire.
Draspher takes a jar of alchemist fire to his head and promptly catches fire.
So the bandits and their leader cheer at Draspher being revealed by the flames on his cloak, and jeer at him "Dance piggy! Some nice bacon smell wafting over here". In reality I'm not going to attack the on fire dude.
So Drasphers next action is to cast a spell. I remind him that he will need to make a concentration check to cast while he's on fire. He rolls a crit!
"Beautiful move. What spell are you casting?" Expecting him to call a summon/multiple summons
"I cast grease!"
"Umm... Okay.. Are you sure?"
"Yeah, and I want to cast it at that guy on the roof that molotov'd me"
"Oh... Okay. Clever idea. It'll make it unstable terrain for him and I'll need to roll his reflex"
So Arnold rolls his reflex save....
Aww fuck.... So Arnold falls off the roof...
So the thing is - Arnold doesn't have any extradimensional storage for his accelerants. He wears them in bandoliers across his body.
He's got about 20 different flasks of oil, alchemist fire, and other flammables, that all smash open when Arnold hits the ground...
I describe as a thirty foot fireball engulfs Arnold, the alleyway, and destroys the two buildings alongside, as Draspher is launched bodily out of the alleyway by the shockwave into the hands of his awaiting teammates, while Jaune (still invisible) is launched in the other direction past the very surprised guard/bandit leader.
But wait! There's more!
So bless him Draspher solo'd a group of bandits on his own with no help, but the situation is less than ideal. They've sent up a massive explosion that was heard across the city, and their is no sign of their rogue/ninja.
As Yurion is trying to heal Draspher to positive numbers (he took a lot of damage from what I treated as a fireball spell for the purposes of damage), the other party members are checking the bodies of the bandits. They're at the wrong end of the alley for any significant info, and as Draspher regains consciousness the local guard have mobilised and are moving towards them to investigate.
They don't want to have to deal with the local guard and explain this so they make plans to pull up a manhole cover and escape into the sewers. Draspher pointedly asks me at this point.
"Am I still invisible?"
I think about it and tell him "No, while grease is not technically an attack that would break the invisibility spell, I would have to rule that your invisibility spell dropped when you were thrown out of the alley"
"But I didn't make an attack, surely it would still be active"
"Yes that's true. But if you want to be still invisible then we'll have to rewind to before Yurion healed you, and see whether she can find your invisible body before you bleed out..."
D: "Oh... Good point. Can I cast it again?"
"Do you have any more level 2 spells today?"
D: "Yes I have a few more"
"Then yes you can."
D: "Okay, I'll cast that then"
Meanwhile the other players are working out how to get into the sewers. They get the manhole up easily, but then reason that if they leave it to the side it will look really obvious as to where they've gone. So they come up with a plan to use Yurions levitate spell to lift the cover and then replace it so that it looks undisturbed. Clever solution to solve a problem that I hadn't even thought of.
Now I should explain another gameplay rule I added early on - Wisdom rolls. It was always an issue in previous games I have played that I found where combats would grind to a halt when players would discuss strategies and tactics in the middle of combat. So I put a stop to it, and as a DM I take whatever is said at the table as "I am doing this action".
However as my game was made up of several new players I gave them a set of 'training wheels' in the form of a Wisdom roll. If they tried to do something that as a DM I thought was a bit too much of a stretch, they had a takeback option as long as they could roll above a 5 on the dice, plus their Wisdom modifer, so it accounted for a characters common sense.
So the other characters start piling into the sewer - Draspher looks thoughtful for a second.
Draspher – can I roll wisdom?DM – Sure? Wh..?
I don't get chance to ask him why before he rolls... Another rule I have at the table - you roll for something; you are committed to that action. I should note that players are always aware of these rules going into my games and at this point they've been playing for a good few months at this point.
Draspher – *rolls* (gets a 1 on the dice) "oh never mind"
Me: "No. You know my rule. You rolled. You're committed. What did you get?"
Draspher – "I got a 1... With my WIS modifier that gives me 0..."
"....what were you rolling for?"
"I thought it would be a good idea to try and explain to the guards what happened, and to see if we could help with rescuing any civilians"
Again, bless his heart - he was the only character with a good alignment. But I said
"Look you know my rule. You think this is a great idea"

At which point Sim the Druid says to me, "I grab Draspher and throw his ass in the sewer" trying to save him from himself. At which point Drashper's player says
"But I'm invisible? You can't see me"
Every player round the table bar one facepalms...

So with no other options left, the rest of the group abandon the sorceror and disapear into the sewers.
The guards turn up and start investigating. Suddenly they hear a voice from no-where.
"Oh thank goodness you came when you did! I was just minding my own business when this fight broke out. I turned invisible to hide, there was an explosion, and the culprits all ran off down the sewers!"
At which point there's another round of facepalms as Draspher essentially throws the rest of the party under the bus by telling the guard where they went...
Now as the DM, as far as this guard is concerned there has been an explosion, that may or may not have been magical in nature that has destroyed a big ol chunk of the street. There is most likely a spellcaster who is in close proximity to the area, who is invisible. It might be someone who isn't a caster but has natural abilities to turn invisible, but his duty is pretty clear that he needs to bring this person in, regardless of whether they are telling the truth.
I try to give him an out... I talk in my most sarcastic tone.
"All right young man, we're here now and it'll be all okay. We just need you to drop that spell you are using so we can take your statement and send you on your way..."
"I roll sense motive to see if he's telling the truth" as he rolls his dice
The rest of the table, "He's clearly fucking with you!!! Oh for fucks sake"
D - "And I get... oh... shit I need new dice..."
Face in my hands, "You think it's a great idea"
So Draspher dispels his invisibilty. It take literally half a second for the guard to identify Draspher as a spell caster from his wizards robes and pointy hat (told you that would come back didn't I), and not just that but from the burns he's still got on his face and clothing, he's immediately coshed on the head, gagged and cuffed to prevent him casting, and loaded into the paddy wagon to go down the station.
Now you may think that would be the end of our hapless sorceror, which is exactly what the player thought, the table thought, and I thought at first. I had to step away from the table to work out how the hell to get out of this...

So I think of some way to get him out of this...
Next scene, he gets debagged in an interrogation room. They ask him what happened and he blurts out the truth, only just remembering not to tell the guards he knows who we are. They don't believe him for a second. They think he's a psycho who followed a guard, killed him and bunch of other innocent people in a massive fireball. (The guard/bandit got caught by the blast...)
I announce that his lawyer enters, and I stare at the party and ask "Who wants to represent him?"
There's a little back and forth - Yurion is the obvious choice as the second highest charisma in the party. That plan is shot to pieces when Jaune's players suddenly announces:
"Oh god"
Jaune - "None of us can do it..."
I'm looking confused, and he continues...
Jaune - "Well I was seen with him talking to the dead guard. We were both seen around town with Ocelot. All three of us visited the blacksmith to get armour for a raccoon and a cheetah. The only cheetah in the city was seen at the trashed library, accompanied by a druid and an Oracle. Don’t you see, we have all been implicated with him at one point or another..."
Me inside my own head - "Fuck... He's right..."
Don't you love it when the players sabotage their own story...
Sudden brainwave!!!!!!
"If you guys don't want to step in, I have another option"
The rest of the party shake their heads.
Then I introduce Jose, the local half orc crime boss as Drasphers legal representative.

So instead a man in a fancy suit walks in. He clears the room out and starts explaining himself. When one of his men turns up at his place of business covered with burns and telling him that several of his associates are dead, he was initially furious. But as the story unfolded he became curious instead of furious. When he heard what happened he decided he would come to see Draspher for himself, as we might be useful to him.
“That was one heck of an explosion, do you think you could do it again, say with a bank vault”.
Draspher doesn’t get the message....
He furiously starts denying it was him, and is thinking that I am trying to get him to admit to the crime and for the third time that night the rest of the party is facepalming at him.
"So you are saying that wasn't you?"
"Yes! Why does no one believe me?"
"That's a shame. Because someone who can do something like that might be useful to my organisation. But if you are saying that wasn't you, well that's too bad... I give you about 24 hours before someone turns you into their personal wank rag..."
Jaune's player "DUDE!! HE'S GIVING YOU AN OUT! An 'out' of prison, and an 'in' with the guys we were trying to infiltrate in the first place!"
Now he got the message...
"Oh... I see. I thought you were trying to get me to admit to something. As far as the explosion, you should understand it's not something I can just do willy nilly. I have to be in a special mood for it...." And he starts rolling for bluff and praying to any god that will hear him.
The half orc smiles at him
"I'll be in touch"

And that is how Draspher started his stint as "The Mad Bomber", which survived into many more sessions as a source of continous problems, and sometimes solutions for the party. I would write more about his exploits but this took me almost 3 hours even with my notes.
I'd be happy to continue the story if anyone wants to hear more
Edit: Thanks for the gold stranger! I'll get my notes together for you. Watch this space.
2nd Edit - for those wanting to continue the story - I've put part 2 here
submitted by RomaruDarkeyes to MrRipper [link] [comments]

2020.07.24 16:38 wolf24Jul Spy boys wanking

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submitted by wolf24Jul to u/wolf24Jul [link] [comments]

2020.07.21 06:40 Bago21JulOly Two Black Gir-ls Fo-rce Guy Por-n Mothe-rless

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2019.11.19 17:36 nudistwanker Spy boys wanking

I'm a student living in a small basement studio apartment, I'm also a nudist, and this year I started to leave my curtains open all day and night. The houses across the road from me are all higher than mine, meaning they can see straight into my whole apartment, right to the bed. The houses are all split into student accomodation, and of the apartments that I know can see in, one is shared between six young attractive women. Our buildings are both slightly set back from the road, so we can't really recognise each other, but we can easily see what the other is doing.
When I first started leaving the curtains open they were pretty shocked to see me lying naked on my bed, in open view to them. They laughed, they were shy and tried not to look. It's been about two now and I've things have progressed a lot. At first I'd see them having a look and pretending they're not. I once lay down rather tired and they must have thought I was asleep, because they all became very bold, standing right at the window looking at my naked body.
At night I masturbate before bed. I don't close the curtains but I do turn off the lights, this has become my signal for neighbours who want to watch the show. There is some light from the computer screen, and I use this to illuminate by body and cock for them. I've noticed a number of them watching from dark rooms, peering through gaps in curtains. Every day one of the girls closes her curtains, but leaves a small gap to watch me through.
A few weeks ago I was laying in bed working my cock when I noticed one of the girls at their window with the light on, standing still, watching me. She was young, slim, with great blone hair. I don't think she'd been there very long, but long enough that she'd been watching. It was so intense and arousing to think she wanted to watch me and wasn't affraid to let me know. I didn't want to come across as super creepy and masturbate at her without consent, so I sat up slightly to let her know I was looking directly back at her and stopped masturbating. She didn't flinch, I waved nervously but she glances away and pretended not to see, then looked back and kept watching. By this time my heart was pounding in my chest. So I slowly and nervously reached back down to continue. It was so erotic knowing she was watching me lie there naked slowly stroking my shaft. After twenty seconds or so she left the room, returning to the window a few minutes later to watch me some more. Sadly she ran out of excuses and did not watch me finish, or if she did she was too sneaky for me to spot her.
I used to wait till around midnight or later to masturbate so that it didn't seem obvious that I'm trying to put on a show for the girls across the street. Unfortunately it seems most of them like an early night, so I decided to start earlier, and boy did it pay off.
Seeing one of the braver women at the window I decided it was time to start the warm up act. I lay on my back, giving them a nice side profile of the full length of my body. Playing on my phone they knew I was going to be focused on that and they'd have free reign to take in the view I was giving them. I to read some of the other stories on here to get me going. I could feel them watching me as my cock started to twitch to life, feel them watch my cock get hard and stand up. I resisted the almost overwhelming urge to twich my cock for them. I stayed there for a while, my cock throbbing from knowing they were still there watching.
I decided it was time, and slowly rolled over, seeing their heads just go into hiding, and then I set up my laptop up ready to illuminate me. I got up to get tissues and turned out the lights (the code to my neighbours that it's showtime).
It was almost torture to not look and see, but I lay there, engrossed in the porn on my laptop, working my cock. I stroked it nice and slow, catching a glipse of a girl watching from the corner of the window. It wasn't long before the news reached her housemates and there were multiple women watching from hiding places in the window. The bravest woman came right up to the window and watched.
My strokes quickened, but I didn't want to end the show already, I drew it out for them with nice long strokes and some ball squeezing to show off the full length of my cock. It was so erotic having her watch me, seeing the heads of other girls popping up to catch a look here and there. I sped up and closed my eyes, letting them think they could watch with impunity, while really I was sneaking a look here and there, seeing them engrosed by my display. I couldn't last long and prepared the tissues, before cumming so hard while they watched unashamedly. I squirmed on the bed still cumming, peeking out and seeing the bravest girl still at the window, enjoying the show.
Fast forward a few weeks and my girlfriend came to visit. We had a close call while we were walking back to my apartment from the university campus. We ended up in single file for a few seconds with me behind her. At the same time two hot girls walking down the other side of the street had their eyes locked onto me and their mouths wide open in shock. I knew instantly that they recognised me, and then I realised the blonde was the girl that I had brazenly masturbated for while she watched.
It was so erotic, and so risky, and there was me with my super jealous girlfriend just feet away from another girl that I've been secretly masturbating for. I think the brunette that tried to hide behind her friend is the girl that always leaves a spy gap in her curtains to watch me from her bedroom.
My girlfriend has now gone back to her city, and I was horny to start putting on shows again. So last night I was lying on my bed fully clothed when I saw the same two girls appear at their window. I waved, they waved back. That's the first time they've acknowleged that we can see each other, in almost two months of me parading my naked body for them. I'd hoped that they'd now feel more comfortable watching me without trying to hide, however last night I wanked in full view and no one came. I'm worried that I've broken the spell and they won't want to watch me now we've seen each others faces. I'll be living in this apartment for a good two years yet, so fingers crossed they'll come back.
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2019.08.31 17:17 FunnyNWittyReferenc My All-Media Mega-Watchthrough Part 4: The Fourth Doctor (Part One)

Previous posts: 3rd, 2nd and 1st Doctors.
Leela's intelligence seems to vary vastly based off who's writing the episode. Though the order Eyespider has them in is mostly consistent, so props for that. This era has no major continuity flaws that I can think of, which is I guess a bonus? On the other hand it makes the EU feels slightly disconnected with the interconnection I got used to from 1-3. It instead prefers to use things established in 4's era mainly.
Other Thoughts: There is a lot to go through. So much so that I'm not actually finished. I'm breaking this post into 2 halves, having just watched The Invasion of Time, roughly the midpoint of his era when counting the EU. I'd have held it off until Logopolis, but I hit 37k characters of Reddit's 40k maximum for a post last time. There's just no way I could fit it into one post here.
Now, hot take, but 4 is my least favorite Doctor. To the point where he's the only one I actively can't stand. Tom Baker never actually put any effort into the acting, and none of the writers gave him a character. The character he plays is the funny meme catchphrase man with the jelly babies, not the Doctor. On TV, there's no depth to his character at all, that's just all he does. Season 15 exacerbates the issue, and it only gets worse from there. Thankfully Season 18 is wonderful and the writers actually do something with him, but I haven't gotten there yet so I'll keep it out of this post. The biggest offender of the "wacky jelly baby man xd" so far is Image of the Fendahl. If you haven't seen it recently, there's a scene in the cliffhanger of part one where the Doctor is along in the room with a skull. No monitoring equipment, no people in the room, and no reason to suspect the skull is anything other than a skull, as evidenced by his surprise when it glows and does... something? Anyway, he sits down at the desk next to it, then asks it, completely seriously: "Would you like a Jelly Baby? [A short pause.] No, I don't suppose you would."
Why did he do this? Well, obviously out of universe it's because it's a good gag scene. But that's exactly the problem: the writers very rarely seemed to think if it made sense for the Doctor to do it, they just went "yup, he's the funny guy, we should have a joke here." This extends to every 4th Doctor story. That's his only personality in all of them: he's funny. From his first episode, that's all he is. Sometimes the writers will be bold and he will violently swap between personalities in the span of a second; from haha meme man to absolute raging asshole. Seriously, he's just downright unpleasant most of the time when he's not being funny, I'd hate to travel with him. And my god if the early EU doesn't take that and turn it up to 11. You know that scene in Ark in Space where he's being a dick so Sarah will climb through the vent? I'm fairly certain that's the only scene the early comic writers watched, because he's like that legitimately all the time.
Now, remember how in Invisible Enemy, 4 and Leela run around in the Doctor's mind? And are actually depicted as tearing through membranes and stuff? My new semi-serious headcanon is that the Doctor actually has brain damage after this. It would explain how any vestiges of character left him after this point, and why the very next episode he's offering inanimate skulls Jelly Babies.
Another thing about this era that I hate is the sheer glut of novels. He has 24 novels, more than double what most of the others have. Obviously not counting 7 or 8. Most of these are horrendous. All those problems I have with 4? The lack of ambition on the writer's part, his lack of character? All turned up to the point it'd almost be comical if it wasn't physically painful to go through. There are only 2 novels I would actually recommend from this era, and one of them is a 4/Romana novel that I only know is good because I read it years ago when I bought the reprint, so it doesn't count in this portion of the review. Honestly, I have so many novels to rant about in the bad novels section that I almost had to save some for the next post, this whole thing is 38k of the 40k character limit.
I think I've talked about my intense, burning hatred of 4's era enough here, probably enraging everyone. Make sure to leave an angry comment down below! I got one telling me that it's because "the intense bitterness in [my] mind" that I hate Combat Rock a while ago, so I guess people get very mad when you call something objectively terrible objectively terrible. And now, on to:
Best Part of the Era Overall: Quite honestly? None of it. I dislike it so much. There's no ambition, and no reason to have any, because everyone loves the funny meme man. Why put any effort into your story when it'll just sell anyway? This seems to be Chris Boucher's philosophy, though we'll get to him later. There's no character development to 4 at all, not even during S18. It's just an abrupt personality change, though I like that personality much more. I'll try to refrain from mentioning anything post-Invasion of Time from now on just to have something to talk about next time. I guess the best part so far was with Leela? She's a more interesting character than the Doctor, hands-down. Her and Romana (oops, did it again) actually have character development, the only characters in his era to do so.
Worst Part of the Era Overall: The least enjoyable part was probably the entire time Sarah-Jane was there. Like the Doctor, character development was thrown out the window the second Pertwee regenerated. I'm apathetic towards her, and I outright can't stand Harry Sullivan. Harry's hobbies include being a bit misogynistic and standing around uselessly. Their tenure is made worse by the severe lack of Big Finish with them. The only EU parts of their run is a few BF short trips, prose short trips, and an insufferable amount of novels.
The 4th Doctor's early days are also very torn between trying to do like Robot, where it's him in a typically 3rd Doctor situation with UNIT, and trying to do something like his TV run. Sadly neither of them are good. The idea of the Doctor trying to fit into his old life, but his new personality clashing so heavily he has to give it up? Absolutely great. Sadly, because none of the writers understand the concept of character drama, it's never once brought up, it's just a thing that sort of accidentally happens. Good job lads. They also keep it like Seeds of Doom, where the Brig has just ceased to exist for the day. There's no reason to since it's prose, and when put all together, it becomes increasingly unlikely that he's just traveling the world doing... things, just so he's not there when they are.
Alternate worst part: that time Chris Boucher had 4 novels of his literally in a row between Robots of Death and Talons of Weng-Chiang. We'll get into that later.
Best Novels: Scratchman: Absolutely fantastic. Being written by Tom Baker in first person really gives you an insight into what the Doctor is thinking, which makes the fact that externally he's just meme man almost tolerable. You can see the Doctor's head isn't completely empty, which is something every TV writer seemed to forget all the time. Again: Jelly Baby to a skull scene is the most egregious example for this. He's legitimately terrified here, and it wouldn't work any other way than prose. I'm glad it wasn't made into a movie, where Tom Baker can un-act his way through it, it would have definitely let the story down.
Wolfsbane: Probably only as good as it is because it has 8 in it, my favorite Doctor. It does feature some good moments, such as 4 abruptly just stabbing a wolf through the heart, and especially the fact that Harry becomes a werewolf. Okay, that part is only implied, but I want to believe it.
Drosten's Curse: It tries a little too hard to be Douglas Adams, which gets annoying a few chapters in, but it's still relatively good.
And that's it, those are the only two good novels so far. I've read 15 of 24 novels, and these are the only ones that were actually good. I won't be reading the 3 with BF adaptations, because reading is the part of this that takes the longest, and is generally horrendous. I got stuck at the Chris Boucher novels for over a month just because they were so shit I couldn't be bothered to suffer through them. The only other novels that aren't abject trash are A Device of Death, Ghost Ship, and, debatably, System Shock. Whatever you do, don't get it confused with Millennium Shock. Why? Find out several rant paragraphs down.
Worst Novels:
It's hard to pick a worst one. In all shit stories, there's one rule you should remember: rule 1: don't think about it, because the author didn't. On my spreadsheet, there are three different novels with a 2/10 rating. You know what a 1/10 is? Combat Rock. If you read my previous reviews, you know of my immeasurable hatred for that book. Unsurprisingly, one point up from it is also absolutely loathsome. First off:
Managra: The title is an anagram. The book is networks petunia, according to this anagram generator site I found. Or, in normal person language, pretentious wank. This book is 320some pages long, and absolutely fuck all happens in them. Over two thirds of the book is worldbuilding, and it's insanely unrealistic. Apparently in the 31st century, the Vatican was renovated into a flying city. Okay, sure. Now people want to go back to the old ways. By which I don't mean they want the old Vatican back. No, they want to recreate history and go back to the 14th fucking century. No, there is no connection between these two things, despite the novel insisting there is. So the... government? Vatican??? God???? arranges this, and the entire planet has different sections for different periods of history. Oh, and also the entire Earth is now dimensionally transcendental. Why? How? What the fuck? Don't worry about it. Also, we refer to it as dimensions extraordinary because why not.
So what if you want technology? Or like, anything? To progress in society? Fuck you, that's what. Anachronisms are illegal. You're in the 12th century but want to hear a Shakespeare play? Shit out of luck, go back to working on your farm or whatever it is you do. Shakespeare is also banned in all time periods by the Vatican, as well as all Elizabethian and Jacobean works. Why? Who knows. Also, they have Polygots, a sort of Babbelfish, and mechanical horses. So why reenact all this shit? Why ban indoor plumbing if you've got a robohorse?
Think this entire idea is actually the stupidest fucking thing you're ever heard of? Too bad, this is literally the entire planet now. Why? Why the hell would even a single country agree to this?
"Hey guys, what if we redid history?"
"Like, as a theme park? Interesting."
"Nononono, like, all over. All the time."
"Also we're reinstating racism for historical accuracy."
Yup, that's something that happens. Why? Rule 1, don't worry about it, it all makes sense. Sure hope you weren't any form of minority. You can tell this book was written by a white man. There's also no mention of any non-European zones, though being generous, this could be because they're in the "Eurpoa dominion" the entire time.
Now, this is all outright stupid, and we can all agree on that, right? Buckle up, because it gets worse. Like gazing into the eyes of Cthulhu, the madness goes deeper and deeper down the further you look. So, we have a bunch of different periods of history, anarchonisms are illegal, you're expected to suffer in your time period forever and that's just life. How did they determine the inhabitants of each section? Who knows. Probably eugenics. Anyway, we need historical figures to make it truly accurate. What? Why??? What??? Excuse you??? So now we have duplicates of them. Robot duplicates? Haha no, you absolute imbecile. We've cloned them. And... somehow made them have the same personalities as the originals. But also they're aware they're not original. And also there are multiple clones. Why? Because there are multiple copies of time zones and places. Why? Legitimately what purpose does having two instances of 17th century France have?
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE. These duplicates, called Reprises, are most of the main characters in the novel. It's a fucking time travel series, just use the originals and have them meet somehow instead of this contrived bullshit oh my fucking god. Remember how I called it pretentious? That's because, while doing all this world building, it seems to think the reader has read all the works of every famous poet ever, and keeps referencing it. The author has to feel the need to pause every other chapter with dialogue like:
"Salutations Harold my good chap. A most extraordinary day, shan't you say?"
"Oh my, yes Archibald, I do quite agreed. A day where one may see the Vatican's visage in all its splendid glory. I say, have you heard of that bard fellow? I hear he is working on his tenth sonnet."
"Magnificent! Simply magnificent! 'Tis a shame the Vatican has banned all of these plays, along with all Elizabethan era works of literature."
This is how the entire book is written, and how most of the expositional dialogue is done. Like most shit novels, the Doctor and Sarah hardly feature. Also, witches and zombies and demons and stuff are real. Why? Stop asking, it just is. The people in charge know they weren't real, so why do they exist? Why make people who can overthrow you?
The plot is that there's this guy called Managra who is putting on plays and I guess it kills everyone in the audience? He shows up twice before the climax and is the most pretentious asshat in the novel by far, which is no easy feat. Somehow 4, Sarah, and 5 different Reprises team up to go invade his play or something. It's been months since I read it, and I discarded almost any memory of it immediately afterwards, so this summary might be a little off. Anyway, they dick around for 100+ pages on the way there, and we sometimes are afforded a line of dialogue from the Doctor. The bulk of this focuses on that guy from Castlevania, the author's original demon-slaying vampire hunter character. I can't even remember what happened to him in the end, other than the fact that I hated every second he wasted on screen. I don't think he ever met up with the Doctor, or if he did, it was very brief.
Eventually 4 and co. find the theater, and 4 goes in there by himself and does god knows what. Then he interrupts Managra's plan and is sucked into a parallel world and also Managra is an alien and is an anagram for anagram and this is apparently thematically relevant and now the dimension is collapsing so the Doctor leaves it in there and then just kind of walks out. Story over.
Millennium Shock: A sequel to the decent System Shock. Sadly it doesn't want you to know this, despite the title and the cover giving it away, and it literally stating it on the back. Instead we spend over half the novel getting to the point where 4 goes "woah, it's those guys from System Shock."
It begins with a 20 page long article about Y2K, which you're required to read to understand the internal logic it's operating on.
Like System Shock, it features an older Harry Sullivan, in the 20th century, working for MI6. Wow, cool. Shame he didn't pick up a personality to make me care about him in the intervening years. He's more 2D than ever if anything. Sarah isn't here so he can't be "charmingly" sexist, making him lose 80% of his character traits. I'd go into detail like Managra up there, except there's no plot to speak of to get into. The Doctor lands, we spend 120 pages figuring out what the cover already tells us, and then we blow it up the same way as last time. Amazing.
Asylum: It's a pure historical, except it's not. It's a meeting between early 4 and Nyssa, except they split up and hardly talk. It's like a good story, except not.
So Nyssa is preparing a paper on the effects of Francis Bacon. Why? As usual, don't question it. Also, this is post-Terminus, where we're rewarded with a scene of Nyssa taking a bath less than 20 pages in. It's one of those novels. Somehow time shifts and now Bacon is no longer noteworthy so she's writing a paper on something else. Then the TARDIS lands in her living room, 4 walks out, says some nonsense, and then they go back in time to meet Bacon. It's not intentional because she can't remember him, the TARDIS just goes to the beginning of the time distortion. Whatever.
So we get there and it's just a pure historical. Nyssa runs off 30 pages after landing and does her own thing. 4 tries to solve a murder plot around Bacon. Nyssa falls in love with a knight who saw her in her underwear. That's right lads: best way to hook up with a girl is to spy on her getting changed and then keep forcing romantic advances on her until she gives in. He's killed later in the novel by the bad guy. Thrilling. Nyssa is sad. For about 5 minutes. Then she gets better. The writers of 4's era don't understand the concept of personalities at all.
The bad guy was this guy who was I guess possessed by aliens, or heard their instructions? In the climax, he tells Nyssa he killed her knight boyfriend, and she's just ready to give in and almost lets him stab her. Then she realizes she has plot armour and stabs him in the head instead. The day is saved, and with only a slight bit of permanent brain injury! No really, that's actually it. The guy lives, 4 says he's mentally damaged for life. They take off again.
In the epilogue and prologue, we see the aliens plan... something. Their ship is out of fuel, but they can travel through time as a incorporeal entity? I guess? So one goes back to speak to the bad guy from the rest of the novel and that's why he was evil. The Doctor never interacts with them or finds out about their existence. The epilogue is the brain damaged guy, who was in the aliens past, hunting them down as an old man and trying to warn them. They ignore him and think he's senile. Story over. Why did this not need to be a pure historical, when you could cut the aliens entirely? Rule 1.
Last Man Running: The first of the four back-to-back Chris Boucher novels. Boucher is the creator of Leela. Which makes the fact that she's wildly out of character in all his novels more surprising. Not much to say on this one, it's just dull and convoluted. At one point Leela kills 50+ clones of herself, because she's the only one with plot armour.
Corpse Marker: Hey guys, remember Robots of Death? Well Boucher does, and he wants to go back. Unfortunately he has no reason for doing so, and it's 200 pages of him wanking off onto the page while watching Robots of Death. Honestly, I'm pretty sure Robots of Death and Face of Evil being good were flukes, because god knows his other writing is awful.
Psi-Ence Fiction: or, Chris Boucher and That Time He Found his Book of 1001 Witty Quips for Aspiring Writers. These characters are actually one dimensional.
Featuring: Asshole college student, dismissive college student, Boobs McGee, horny college student, dead college student, their professor, a sentient cardboard cutout of the Doctor who is very concerned about water, and Leela. The college students + Boobs McGee all share literally the same personality beyond the descriptors I added to them. Boobs McGee is also a descriptor, because Boucher needs to constantly remind us that she is, in fact, attractive. They all just speak in generic quips straight out of every 90s-2000s movie ever. It's unbearable. The horny one constantly hits on the attractive one despite the fact she literally hates him and tells him to stop all the time.
This book guest stars the ghost of Mick Lewis, and I'm only half joking. The antagonist is a demon who SCREAMS IN ALL CAPS CONSTANTLY and who for most of the novel IS IN YOUR HEAD, ATTRACTIVE BITCH. YEAH WHORE I'M IN HERE. That's legitimately how it talks. It constantly calls her a bitch. Good job Boucher. Anyway this is all just bullshit because it's not related to the overall solution anyway.
The TARDIS lands, and 4 immediately loses his mind completely. The entire time we're seeing his POV, he's hardly coherent. This isn't even my dislike of him as a character, I mean he is legitimately written as if he's senile. Over half the book is him thinking something, then going "hmm, I think there's something in the water here, must be why I'm out of character here." That's honestly most of his contribution. Remember the water, because 4 brings it up all the time, and it's very important to the overall solution later. But Boucher, writing the characters as deliberately out of character and then calling attention to the fact multiple times is just not good writing.
Leela does nothing, threatens to stab a few students on campus, the usual. The students who I mentioned earlier are all part of an experiment trying to unlock their psychic abilities. Also there are cops and there was a murder in this one forest years ago. Was that a non-sequitur and has no relevance to what came beforehand? That's exactly how it was in the original story too, despite it being the main crux of the end.
So, things don't happen. 4 investigates the water. It turns out it's normal water and I lied earlier, just like Boucher lied to me the entire book. Why is the Doctor absolutely unhinged? WHO KNOWS. RULE ONE BABY. So why'd we waste over 3/4ths of the book on this? Who knows, it's not even relevant to how he finds the baddie. The villain is asshole college student, who has an underground lair for some reason. He has a time engine and wants to undo his sister's death in that forest years ago. 4 says no because it'll destroy time. Too bad. Ok. 4 is launched into it except he's not and he's actually just floating there except hewirigtkrthrkthgrkrrr
Sorry, I just smashed my face into my keyboard there because my soul temporarily left my body. Then the TARDIS is in the beam for no fucking reason and it saves the day despite receiving no help from him. It led them to this place. Why could it not do this literally any time when they were outside of it to amuse itself? It literally didn't need them at all. Anyway now 4 is safe again except the thing is exploding so now we have to get away and also Leela is here too and also also we need to rescue the guy and oh nope he doesn't want it time to go story over. The ending was as rushed as that last run-on sentence.
Match of the Day: The final Boucher novel. It's also by far the worst. Time for more implausibly idiotic worldbuilding.
So, they land on a planet where murder is entertainment. But, woah, get this guys, what if it was a futuristic world? Like reality TV???? Technology is bad. So we have people who fight in arenas and it's broadcast. Okay cool. They have a manager. And also they can issue some form of challenge that lets them kill others at any time?
This one famous guy, Keefer, is almost assassinated by an android, and we spend more than half the book focusing on whatever inane shit he's doing, which is mainly being edgy. I swear, literally every page in the last quarter has the fake swear word "scuffling" on it. To reflect how scuffling stupid and annoying this is, I will adopt it for the rest of the review on this book.
4 and Leela are immediately arrested for not killing someone, then get taken to jail. They meet Keefer's agent in jail where he's there for allegedly murdering Keefer despite it happening minutes ago but okay whatever. He teaches them basic law somehow, and they're called into the courtroom. In here the judges don't listen to a scuffling word they say and shoot down every argument. They decide to let them go free anyway. Why? Rule 1.
Somehow this was broadcast to everyone despite it not being normal procedure for them and there being nothing different about them at first, and now both of them are celebrities. 4 wants to go back to the TARDIS. Good for you 4, please do. Save us. Nope, we can't, because Queefer's agent asked that we find him and he's sure he's still alive. Hahah okay, what? Guess we're doing that. What does he look like? What does he sound like? Where on the entire scuffling planet is he? Nobody knows, let's find this one dude.
Then we scuffle around for 70 pages and I couldn't tell you a single thing that happened other than it focused more on Keefer than 4 and Leela. Keefer's agent got lobotomized off-screen so uh... in the end it's pointless to even find Keefer? 4 is now more famous and is running a dojo, Leela decides that this is boring and takes a spaceplane to space and... find the guy? For some reason? Despite there not being a clue to this ever and this not being a mystery story? Anyway she's right, but they still can't meet.
One of the people she's there with drugged (?) her and threw her in a private ship and also both these people are apparently dead because?????????????? and it's not explained. She's kept in a zero G area of the ship, and talks to the pilot. 4 realizes she's missing and hunts her down. He tracks her using some baffling plot-convenient logic. He's also made friends with a corrupt cop and a... woman? That's about the only description of her personality I can give. This is a Boucher novel, of course they have no character. They're not even one-dimensional, they're in negative numbers.
Leela lures the guy into the cell, then accidentally breaks his neck. Luckily for her, the ship is fully automatic so why the scuffling fuck did they need a pilot when he even admitted to her he didn't want to be there? Okay whatever. Ship docks with Lady Haiki or something's ship while Leela, like me, sleeps because this is boring as hell. 4 and co have chartered a flight to this same ship.... somehow? They're taken there, meet lady Hitachi, and also Keefer is on her ship too.
She's orchestrated this entire thing and wants Leela and Keefer to duel. They don't. 4 says no and walks off. Scuffling excuse you? They take the plane back. They've had a "kill these people on sight and you receive a reward" placed on their heads. There are 15 pages left in the novel. We go to the dojo, everything is gone. Police man has been selling us out from the start apparently. Ok cool. We ask him to get every famous and powerful person on the planet into the arena to watch the Leela/Keefer match. This works, somehow.
They refuse to fight. 4 is up in the booths with them because ok. His plan is non-existent, just "get these people here." We get no indication what the scuffling hell he planned to do next other than what happens is entirely wrong. Lady Haiki is here, and apparently has been conspiring to end the fighting by killing all the famous fighters and then making it illegal? Presidentman shoots her fucking head off on national TV. He also apparently planned this from the start. What the everloving fuck? He says fighting will be illegal now. So if he agreed with her, why the hell did he just kill her? And then we get the TARDIS back and leave and 4 is going to teach Leela how to play chess :)
Eye of Heaven: Oh boy. This is the third 2/10 on my list.
The chapters are told out of order. Odd chapters before they got on the boat, even chapters while they're on the boat. Basically, if you want a comprehensible account of the story, you have to read every odd chapter, then every even chapter. I didn't, and I'd not even consider it.
We land and 4 meets up with this old acquaintance who we've never met, who has a stone tablet stolen from Easter island, where this one lady's brother died during the expedition to recover it years ago. He feels guilty about it and wants to return it, 4 just casually hires a boat. Also the entire story is told in first person, making it even more confusing. See how I summarized that in one paragraph? Jim Mortimore took a quarter of the book for that.
So then we go on the boat and nothing happens. We keep reading and nothing keeps happening. Good thing we have the timeskips back to earlier chapters! Except nothing is happening there either. Something only begins to happen in odd chapters, and it's dumb.
Odd chapter: Leela and crew member go overboard.
Even chapter: Nothing.
Odd: Leela and man get on an killer whale and steer it back towards the ship.
Even: Nothing
Odd: Leela and man are surviving off raw fish. There's a cyclone. Oh no, how will they survive. Turns out the answer is by killing the killer whale and now hiding in its mouth. Cool.
We hit the halfway point. Now odd chapters are boat stuff, taking up from where we left off, and even chapters are stuff on the island. There are pirates on the island who... want the tablet? Just want to make a nuisance of themselves? So now during odd chapters we deal with that. Apparently they're chasing us.
Even chapter: we're running from pirates, who at this point the audience doesn't know that's why they're running because they haven't been introduced yet. They're in cave systems under the island with the natives, hiding from the attack.
Odd chapter: Nothing happens.
Even Chapter: they're through a portal to an alien world. Why? Explain later.
Odd: Nothing.
Even: Nothing, but on a different planet.
Odd: Nothing.
Even: Apparently this planet is like a junction for some alien race who was in a big war. This is their final weapon and it will deploy when it detects non-alien lifesigns. Where's it deploying? Who against, if the war is over? Rule 1. The woman whose brother died years ago kills this other member of the crew in a murder suicide. Okay, now we just have to carry their bodies out of here and walk out of the Easter Island head which is actually a portal and then the weapon turns off. This is chronologically the end of the story. But don't get too comfortable, there's still one more odd chapter.
Odd: The same lady flings herself off a cliff, but again, this is earlier than the even chapters. We take her to the cave of healing and somehow this makes her better and ties the story together. Don't ask me how, no idea.
Also, the TARDIS is taken off on a separate ship at the start of the story to god knows where. 4 just says "oh haha guess we'll have to hunt it down later." This is left entirely off-screen.
Drift: There's 23 main characters in this book, and you're expected to actually care about them, much less know who they are. Shockingly, nothing happens. There's a native american woman whose character is "wow look, she's tribal and primitive! Just like Leela!" I guess this fits perfectly into 4's era of uncomfortable racism.
Best Audios:
Kill the Doctor!/Age of Sutekh: Easily the best one. Fantastic story, and the Kill the Doctor! cover is one of my favorites. It also has an amazing moment for Tom Baker: "I am the Doctor, and I bring my gift of life to all humanity!" The music, the dlivery, it's all perfect. I could definitely see it being a New Who episode.
How to Win Planets and Influence People: Easily the best short trip I've heard in recent memory.
The Genesis Chamber: A bit overly long, and definitely could have done without the romance subplot.
The King of Sontarr: "would you rather fight 100 Sontaran-sized Sontarans on 1 7 foot tall super-Sontaran."
The Crooked Man: One of the best 4DAs, don't want to spoil the twist though.
Destroy the Infinite: Great story made better by the first chronological (for the Doctor) appearence of the Eminence.
Requiem for the Rocket Men/Death Match: The first half is 4 doing 7 style machinations and generally fun. Leela finds a perfect partner. No spoilers, but he can't come with them so she has to dump him. 4 tells her, "Maybe you should lower your standards a bit." Watching Invasion of Time and god did she take that to heart.
The Mind Runners/The Demon Rises: Nothing I can really say without spoiling it, but it's really solid.
The Crowmarsh Experiment: It's a fairly standard "oh no which reality is real? Is the Doctor all fake????" thing, but it's done well and I like that type of story.
Worst Audios: There aren't many bad audios. BF isn't very ambitious with the 4DAs because they know anything with Tom Baker's face on it is going to sell boatloads, so why bother? Most of them are mediocre, not outright bad.
The Wondourous Box: It's an early short trip, so it's ~10 minutes long. Nothing happens byond the TARDIS getting an Elephant killed.
Doctor Who and the Pescatons: Not BF, but early BBC audio. No sense of sound mixing, plot, pacing, writing, music, or really anything at all. Punctuated by horrific shrill noises, and 4 being even more out of character than usual. In the same vein:
Exploration Earth: The Time Machine: An educational story for kids, except it's stupid. The plot exists only to serve so the villain and the Doctor can monologue about the formation of Earth, and Sarah is an absolute idiot for the audience's benefit.
The Cataclyst/The Child/The Empathy Games/The Time Vampire: The individual stories are servicable, but the overarcing Leela thing is horrendous and I hope the Gallifrey series decanonizes it. It seemed very Heaven Sent, so when I got to the end of Time Vampire I was really disappointed.
The Fate of Krelos/Return to Telos: You knew it was coming. I'm all for experimental stories, but maybe don't have the "nothing happens this time" story be part of the finale? The prose short trips frequently do "we landed and there's nothing here" far better.
Best Short Stories:
The Duke of Dominoes: It's a Master-focused story, and it's great. Not coincidentally, it gets worse when 4 appears.
Observer Effect: There are these people trapped on a long-term space mission, and now they're being killed based off viewer ratings.
Hello Goodbye: The Doctor comes back to UNIT, yells at the brig, then leaves. Surprisingly good, only thing to address the fact he no longer fits in at UNIT.
Worst Short Stories:
The Sands of Tymus: Sarah is captured for a breeding program. 4 is outraged because that's sex slavery. The aliens explain they're just going to clone her a billion times. 4 and Sarah decide this is okay and leave without a complaint. This was in an Annual. As in a story for children.
Conscription: This fetures penis-gourd wearing tribes, I shit you not. Good accidental continuity I guess.
Mutiny: Harry is locked up for munity by calling the Doctor. He lets him out. The whole story is under 4 pages.
The Doctor's Cross Word: The Doctor walks on this elder God's puzzle which spells out Who. He thinks it spells out Ohm because he sees it upside down and is also dumb.
Honestly, there are too many to list.
Comics: All travesties, bar Death Flower, which is legitimately okay. Comic 4 is a raging misoginist and utter dickbag and I don't think anyone involved ever watched TV Who.
Best TV Stories: Gensis of the Daleks: Like everything with 4, grossly overrated. Still good, but honestly, put to better use in the EU as a motivation. "Remember that time you were on Skaro and could have killed them?" "Yeah lmao"
Planet of Evil: I don't love it, but it's pretty okay. The set is beautiful.
Pyramids of Mars: Tom Baker actually acts in this one. A rare occurrence.
The Brain of Morbius: I don't know why S13 did the whole "rip off horror movies for fun" thing, but at least it mostly worked.
The Deadly Assassin: Establishes Gallifrey in a way that's been influential in all future stories. Shame Invasion of Time ruined it.
Robots of Death: Boucher writing a good story is a fluke. See above.
The Sun Makers: Very Doctor Who, though we could have done without the vaguely antisemitic caricature villain.
Worst TV Stories:
All of those not mentioned above. Only half joking. I greatly dislike almost all the other stories. Tom Baker phones in his performance the entire time up to S18 (oops) and you can tell he's just there for the paycheck.
Revenge of the Cybermen: What was their plot? How'd the cybermat get on board? Rule 1.
The Masque of Mandragora: Again, just average. Only good bit is the meme salami sandwich line.
The Hand of Fear: Tolerable, though the best part is Sarah leaving. Not because it's well done, though it is, but because I'm finally rid of her.
Horror of Fang Rock: Despite being the only TV appearance of the Rutans, it only really shows up in part 4.
The Invisible Enemy: Actually can pinpoint the moment where they damage the actual-personality-cortex in his mind. It's all downhill from here.
Image of the Fendahl: Boucher. I just couldn't be arsed to pay attention, and despite seeing it twice before, still didn't understand it. Feat. Jelly Baby skull line that I loathe so much.
Underworld: It's actually a surprisingly okay story, but the visuals are nauseatingly bad.
The Invasion of Time: Better than I remembered. 4 getting up to 7 style manipulations is good, though it all nosedives around part 3. Leela's exit is the worst of all companions and I hate it a lot. She deserved better.
And the big one: The Talons of Weng-Chiang: My least favourite. I know, I know, people love it. One question: why? Looking past the appalling racism, the story just isn't that good. Like Fendahl, I've seen it 3 times now, and it just feels like a fever dream. Details of the plot slip my mind in about 6 seconds, and I just can't bring myself to care. It's 4 parts nothing with a side of racism, and 2 of convoluted nonsense.
Final Thoughts:
My god will I be glad to hit Logopolis. In case I hadn't made it perfectly clear, I hate 4's era. It lacks ambition, character development, and, on TV, decent writing. The Doctor is the meme man, Sarah is 2D, Harry is 0D, Leela is fantastic. Her and Romana are both much better characters than the Doctor himself, yet he treats both of them like shit a lot of the time.
Current Doctor rating:
12/8 > 5 > 6 > 7 > 2 > 11 > 1 > 3 > 9 > War > 13 > 10 >>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 4
Looking forwards to the fact I only have 5 move novels to read though, I think I only have a few months worth of stuff. Maybe only a month? I also only have a few TV Action comics left before they turn to DWM comics, so that's something to look forward to. I'm definitely going to enjoy the latter half of this era more.
Fun fact to end on: Leela has canonically killed more than 100 people since traveling with the Doctor.
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2019.08.24 02:08 RealPorkyBrand Wanking boys spy

This story is written with the same rules I laid out in part one.
I'm an ex-military intelligence operator and I want to talk about some things... [P1]
I'm an ex-military intelligence operator and I want to talk about Lucky the Gambian... [P2]
I'm an ex-military intelligence operator and I want to talk about the last exercise of basic training... [P3]
I'm an ex-military intelligence operator and I want to talk about sharing a two-man room at Chicksands... [Part 4]
I'm an ex-military intelligence operator and I want to talk about 'dogging'... [Part 5]
I'm an ex-military intelligence operator and I want to talk about crying babies... [Part 6]
I'm an ex-military intelligence operator and I want to talk about drinking with strangers... [Part 7]
I'm an ex-military intelligence operator and I want to talk about Padre Cliffe... [Part 8]
I'm an ex-military intelligence operator and I want to talk about different types of dogs... [Part 9]
I'm an ex-military intelligence operator and I want to talk about the onion factory... [Part 10]

When I first set out writing this autobiography, I thought that I'd either be ridiculed or shut down pretty fast. As it turns out, there are a few of you interested in knowing the truth about the world they live in and nobody has threatened my life yet. If I'd not been so nervous about writing when I set out on this endeavour, I'd've made a lot more effort to make the first three parts more engaging.
I'd like to thank the person that gilded Part Ten; you've helped bring attention to the truth. I'd also like to thank the people that have PM'd me, but reiterate that I won't be directly engaging with anyone at this moment.
To the person that requested permission to narrate my stories on YouTube, I'll have to decline right now because I don't want you to put yourself in any danger on my account.
Lastly, although I'm not about to start marking out things on an active military base, you can have a look around the area these stories take place in for yourselves here.
Onwards we go...
"...It must have been something you said. I just died in your arms tonight. I keep looking for something I can't get..."
The set up in the meditation room was a little bit different from earlier.
Dan and I had dragged two big IKEA business armchairs from the centre's reading room into the meditation room for the padre to sleep on. He was now sat on one of them, under one of his blankets, with his pistol on his knee. In the darkness I couldn't make out his eyes and so assumed that they were closed.
"...Broken hearts lie all around me. And I don't see an easy way to get out of this..."
I now had the other spare blanket that the padre had brought in his rucksack and so didn't need to share the sleeping-bag quilt that Charlie and I had been using earlier. Charlie now had the one that we'd been sharing, while Dan and Sarah were still in their original ones.
"...Her diary, it sits by the bedside table. The curtains are closed, the cats in the cradle..."
The night felt incredibly calm and still with the subsidence of the storm, but the calmness outside was not how any of us were feeling. I knew that none of us, with the exception of maybe the padre, felt calm on the inside. I had the impression that nobody in that room was actually sleeping.
"...Who would've thought that a boy like me could come to this..."
"Padre," I whispered, "can we turn the radio off, please? I can't sleep."
The padre had brought a little portable radio from elsewhere in the church centre, which he'd set up by the side of the chair. It seemed to be playing to itself.
"That's the idea, Private Brand," he whispered back, "I don't want to sleep."
The padre had explained that the five of us would await the morning together and that him and I would take it in turns to stag on. He was going to wake me up when he was too tired to stay awake and I was to sit in the empty armchair with his pistol.
To be honest, the thought of doing so scared me. I'd only ever handled a pistol with dummy rounds and had not yet fired one, so the prospect of having to defend myself, the padre, and three civilians from unknown creatures from the onion factory was not a prospect that I was looking forward to.
"I can't sleep," whispered another voice that I recognised as Sarah's.
"Me neither," added Charlie.
"Ome" mumbled Dan, which I translated as "or me."
"Look, lovelies," started the padre, "I told you all that there's nothing to worry about. There are five of us here, the doors are locked and we have my pistol."
"Why can't we just turn off the radio and go to sleep then," I thought to myself.
As if he'd read my mind, the padre's voice softly explained, "I'm not as young as I used to be and I need the radio to keep me from falling asleep whilst on stag. I've never been able to sleep with the radio on. Like I said, we're safe, but it never hurts to be more prepared than necessary."
There was a brief silence.
"Get some sleep. All of you. I'll wake you up in a couple of hours, Private Brand."
"...I should've walked away, I should've walked away..."
I rolled onto my side and shut my eyes and tried to block out any external stimuli. Just before I buried my head into the bean bag, the song that was playing finished. I heard the radio presenter transition between the song that had just played and the next one.
"That was, 'I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight', by Cutting Crew. The next song, is a little less well known one, by the iconic, David Bowie," he said in the tone radio presenters love to use during the night.
"Watching them come and go. The Templars and the Saracens..."
I covered my head with the extra pillow the padre had brought with him.
It was at least half an hour, but maybe a lot longer, before I finally drifted off. I'm not sure how long it took the others to get to sleep.
When the padre woke me up with "Private Brand, you're on stag," it gave me the feeling of 'jamais vu.' Of course I recognised the words from being on exercises during Phase One training, but I wasn't expecting them from the padre in a meditation room.
The padre gave me his pistol whilst reassuring me that I wouldn't have to use it, but still talked me through the safety catch one more time. Once he was certain that I understood his instructions, he switched his radio off and told me to wake him up if there was a problem or if I needed to be relieved.
I looked at my phone.
3% battery.
During the next few hours sat in the dark with the padre's pistol on my knee, thinking about my new reality and the creatures outside in the dark hunting, I experienced the call to the void at least three times. I was still a teenager when I'd joined the military and yeah, I expected adventure, but this wasn't exactly the type of adventure I wanted. It wasn't glamorous or cool, it was, in many ways, pathetic.
I was sat there, in an IKEA armchair in the early hours of the morning with a pistol I'd never used before, guarding a padre, a barman, and his relatives who I'd only met less than 36 hours ago.
Did I really want to spend a career doing this? Worse than this? Or would it be better to just end myself?
The morning couldn't come fast enough.
Yet, when the room began to brighten, signalling the start of a new day, I felt no different. Neither the sunlight nor birdsong outside the window offered any comfort, or made me feel any less dread for what was going to happen next.
There were three things I knew I would definitely have to face in the next few days; the news of a death on camp. The wrath of Sgt Maj Jones - and potentially the Templar training staff. And, sat in my room 'researching,' Chucky.
The padre looked almost grandfatherly sat sleeping in the armchair with a blanket over his knee.
1% battery.
I decided it was time to wake him up.
"Padre," I said, "you're on stag." Of course the padre wasn't on stag, it was already light outside, but I felt that would be the best way to wake him up without startling him. His eyes shot open anyway, but he seemed to instantly take in the situation and remained calm. He offered a nod and a barely audible "OK" in response.
He took a moment as if he was confirming something to himself and then removed his blanket and stood up.
He held out his hand for his pistol and for some reason I felt the urge to refuse to give it to him. However, still in obedient trainee mode, I passed it to him anyway.
"Right," he whispered, "come with me."
We both stepped outside into the hallway.
It was slightly darker and quieter outside the room than it had been inside. The padre took the pistol in his hand and held it up, and then as fast as I'd ever seen anyone do it, he unloaded the magazine. He slipped the magazine into his pocket and the pistol into his waistband.
The speed at which he completed his weapon handling drills reminded me that he wasn't just a padre, he was ex-SF. Although, I wasn't sure why the padre still had access to a pistol in his current role.
"Let's get a brew and have a chat," he said in a hushed voice.
In the kitchen I offered to make the brews, but the padre insisted. I sat at the table.
"It's 0631hrs now," said the padre looking at his watch, "in half an hour or so Christine will be here to open up the place in preparation for the Sunday service. I need to be here for that. I've thought things through and there's not much we can do until word of the death gets out to us normally. If we go around asking who's died then it might seem a little suspicious, right?"
The kettle clicked to let us know it had finished boiling.
"Won't other people have heard the bells last night though, Padre?" I asked, pursuing my own line of thinking.
"Of course," he said, pouring the water, "and I'll say that during a storm was the best time to check they were working because it was already noisy. We only ring the bells at weddings and there hasn't been a wedding on camp for nearly a year. Not that anyone will question me anyway."
I thought I saw holes in the padre's plan and dared to question them.
"But Padre," I said, "it was midnight in the middle of a storm when they rang! Why would you have come over to the church to do that?"
The padre spooned the teabags into the bin and grinned.
"Because I'm an eccentric old padre and I've faced much worse than a bit of rain," he said with a chuckle, "you're worrying too much. Are you scared?"
I was shitting myself.
"No," I said in what in hindsight was probably an unconvincing tone, "but you said someone would be, was, murdered on camp last night and giving yourself the opposite of an alibi doesn't sound like the best idea."
The padre's grin faded. He placed the cups on the table and sat down opposite me.
"Private Brand," he said in a now level tone, "why did you choose the Intelligence Corps and not the infantry or cavalry or even the Royal Military Police?"
I didn't get the relevance of the question, but the padre was now staring at me intently, waiting for an answer.
"I dunno," I shrugged, "it just seemed cool and, well, maybe, less dangerous. I don't think I'd want to be a front line soldier. No offence, but, er, they're..."
I couldn't find my words, or rather, I didn't want to find my words. I wanted to say that the Intelligence Corps had seemed more prestigious and the combat roles were meant more for those recruits with maybe a little less intellect and a bit more brawn.
"Cannon fodder?" offered the padre, "A bit thick?"
I stared at the cup of tea in front of me and felt myself go red.
"No," I mumbled, "I don't know."
The padre closed his eyes and then covered them with his hand, squeezing his forehead with his thumb and his finger, then running them down his face until they met at his chin, opening his eyes again at the same time. He looked up at the ceiling and then directly at me.
"So the thrill of secrets and espionage and spying didn't appeal to you, Brand?"
"A bit, yeah," I admitted, trying to rid my voice of any emotion.
"I won't need an alibi, Private Brand," declared Padre Cliffe, "Chicksands is the home of the Intelligence Corps. Whatever has happened will be cleaned up and made out to be something it wasn't. An accident, most likely."
He sighed.
I thought about the incident at Rowney Warren Woods a few weeks ago.
"How do you know all this, padre?" I asked, not sure if I wanted to know the answer.
"Listen," said the padre looking at his watch again, "we're going off on a tangent and Christine will be here soon. I need you four to take my things to my house and tell Mary that I'm alright and that the Sunday service will be at 0900hrs like normal. I'm sure the other three want to get home now and surely you have things to be getting on with? You've not been back to the block since Friday; is all your kit ready for tomorrow morning?"
None of my things were ready at all. I'd expected to do my laundry and ironing on Saturday after a long lie in and then spend today relaxing. As far as I was aware, my uniform was still laid at the end of my bed where I'd left it after training on Friday afternoon.
I'd thought about Corrado and the rest of the lads on and off all night, knowing that if one of them were to be the victim of the unknown cryptid there was nothing I was able to do about it, but now I suddenly realised that I was free to check up on them.
"We're definitely safe now that it's light outside?" I checked with the padre.
"I'd say so," nodded Padre Cliffe.
I practically necked the rest of my tea and told the padre that I'd sort out his things and let him know if I heard anything about a death on camp. I asked the padre for his mobile number, but when I took my phone out of my pocket it was dead. The padre walked me to his office where he wrote it on a piece of paper that I stuffed in my pocket.
"I doubt you'll find anything out before I do, Private Brand," he smiled woefully, "but I'm serious about organising an adult baptism with me, so you're best off with my number anyway."
Charlie, Dan and Sarah were awake when I got back to the meditation room. They said they'd been worried when they awoke to find me and the padre missing, but once I'd explained what was happening they seemed happy to help carry the sleeping bags, pillows, and the padre's other stuff over to his house with me.
We bumped into Christine at the entrance to the building. She seemed in a pleasant mood and greeted us with a waggle of her fingers and a good morning. When she asked why the bells were ringing at midnight, I had to cut Sarah off and told her the padre had come over to test the bells.
"Really?" she frowned .
I told her that it was true, figuring that the padre would explain the truth to her if he wanted her to know it, and then steered the conversation to the storm whilst trying to give the others hints to go along with the padre-sanctioned explanation.
I then initiated goodbyes before she had a chance to question us further.
Outside the church centre the base seemed normal and peaceful. The ground was sodden and puddles pockmarked the grassy areas that divided up the different buildings on camp.
On the walk to the padre's house, Charlie told us that he couldn't wait to leave Chicksands and get back to his house. I couldn't blame him, to be fair; if I'd've had the option, then it's the one I would've taken in that moment.
Sarah confided in us that she was still averse to the idea of staying at her house again, until Dan reminded her that later that afternoon her parents would be back from their weekend away. Sarah countered with the fact that she'd likely be in trouble with her dad and could Dan stay with her for a third night. He agreed, but told her that his parents would question why he was staying on a Sunday for a third night in a row when he had work the next day.
"Where do you work, Dan?" I asked nonchalantly.
"Me? I'm just a builder," he said humbly.
There was a bit of a pause and then he said something that I hadn't been expecting.
"Look, Porky," he glanced at Sarah, "I know I said sorry last night, but I wanted to say that I, we, really are. I think we were just stressed with everything that was happening, you know?"
I simply nodded, when I should've really reinforced my own apology.
"I know you've probably thought of this already," he continued, "but whatever happens next, we're kind of in it together, you know?"
My answer was perhaps a millisecond too late to seem sincere.
"Yeah, I know. We'll have to hang out again soon and keep each other updated, OK?"
"Sure," said Dan.
"Sure," parroted Sarah.
"I'll see you at the bar anyway, no?" asked Charlie.
I smiled at him and nodded.
"I hope so," I replied, "you're my favourite barman there."
It didn't take much longer than five minutes to get to the padre's house. Mary answered the door in her pyjamas. She was pleased to see us and gratefully took her husband's things off us, fussing as to whether we'd had a decent night and asking how Padre Cliffe was. I wondered how much she knew about the storm and Bella and the coming news of a death, but her rosy cheeks and warm smile gave nothing away.
We declined her offer of tea but told her it was very kind, to which she replied it was probably best not to stop for a cuppa anyway as she'd got to get ready for the Sunday service.
I wondered how many people actually went to Sunday service. I imagined it couldn't be many more than Padre Cliffe, Mary, Christine, a few other church centre volunteers, and a lot of empty places in those four banks of pews.
Then all of a sudden, just as we were about to say our goodbyes, I asked, "will you come to my baptism, Mary?"
I think everyone looked shocked. I'd shocked myself.
"You're getting baptised?" Charlie was the first to ask.
"The Padre suggested it," I replied, "and I think I want to."
"If you'd like me to, dear," Mary said, her brow had furrowed like Christine's had earlier, "although I don't really know you. Not that that matters. Yes... I'll come."
"Thanks," I smiled goofily, "see you there."
We said our goodbyes and Mary retreated inside, probably super confused about her four visitors and an invitation to an unplanned adult baptism.
At the end of the garden path, Charlie asked if they'd be getting an invite to my baptism. I told them they would all be welcome. Sarah asked me why I'd suddenly decided to get baptised and I didn't really know, but suspected that it was something to do with the supernatural dog and knowing that death could happen anytime and not wanting to take my chances with Hell just because I wasn't christened.
If ghost dogs and cryptids and extraterrestrials were real, why not Heaven and Hell?
After I'd explained my reasonings for wanting to get baptised to the three of them, it was time to split up. Sarah and Dan wanted to give me their phone numbers but I couldn't take them because of my dead phone. None of us had a pen to write them on the piece of paper Padre Cliffe had given me either. Luckily, Charlie and I already had each other's phone numbers and so he said he'd message me with Sarah and Dan's numbers and if he had any news.
We split up. Sarah and Dan headed back to her house a few streets away and Charlie and I headed in the other direction, toward the NAAFI and the block.
For the first few minutes we walked in silence, our pace slow and meandering like we were two friends heading home after an all-nighter up town. My heart felt tight, and of all the things that had happened over the weekend, the one thing I wanted to know was if Dan's comment about Charlie wanting to fuck me was true.
I couldn't bring myself to ask though and so instead started a quintessentially British conversation about the weather.
"You can't really tell there was a massive storm last night, can you?" I asked.
"Well, yes and no," laughed Charlie with a smile, "the sky's blue but so are those big puddles over there."
He motioned toward the tennis courts we were passing, which looked like you could skim stones on them. The puddles were a dirty brown, but I appreciated his attempt to lighten the mood.
"When are you working again?" I asked.
"Tomorrow," he replied, "are you coming to see me?"
He smiled again and his eyes lit up in anticipation. The guy confused me. If he genuinely fancied me then why didn't he just come out and say it? I wouldn't mind at all. In fact, I'd be flattered. I wasn't homophobic and I'd even wanked off to porn with mates when we were at school. No homo.
"Erm, well, I'll be in for a drink if I can. If I'm not in trouble, I mean."
We were crossing the bridge over the river that separates the married quarters from the working camp.
"I bet you can't wait to get off camp, can you?" was the next question I asked to avoid asking the question I really wanted to ask.
"I just want to sleep in my own bed!"
I pictured his hand sliding off my stomach when I'd woken up with him under the sleeping-bag the night before and asked myself if it had been his head on my chest pinning me down. I still couldn't bring myself to ask him though, and instead asked about his family.
He chatted about his parents and school for a bit and explained how he'd been happy to finally leave high school and get a job. He enjoyed the extra freedom and money and wanted to save up a bit so that he could move out and get his own place. The job at the bar on camp was only supposed to be temporary and, although he quite liked it, wanted to move on soon. He was grateful to Sarah for having told him about it.
"Charlie," I asked, "what's your Uncle Jack like when he's not at work?"
We were in the carpark near the NAAFI already.
"He's... just my Uncle Jack," he said pensively, "He's nice really. People like him. He's not like how he is in uniform. Honestly. Padre Cliffe drinks with him, you know? And if you want anything doing, Uncle Jack always knows someone who can help. He's been based at Chicksands for years."
The average Intelligence Corps posting is normally only a few years, but before I'd gotten chance to ask if Charlie knew why Sgt Maj Jones had been in the same posting so long, he pointed to a blue Vauxhall Corsa and told me that was his car.
"So I'll see you tomorrow then?" he queried again.
I nodded.
"If I can," I said.
Charlie beamed his smile.
"What are you going to do for the rest of the day?' he asked.
"I need to check everyone is alright and none of my mates have died and then I have to do my washing and ironing."
I said it matter-of-factly, but the first half of my reply made my chest tighten. I hoped that because the guys had been out drinking all of Friday night that they'd stayed in last night and done something in the block instead. The rain would've made a night out a wash out anyway.
"Let me know, please?" he asked.
I agreed and we said our goodbyes.
As Charlie drove out of the carpark and turned up towards the guardhouse, I felt the cumber of apprehension worm it's way back into my brain. I had to go back to the block and make sure everyone was alright. I had to go back to my room and I had to challenge Chucky. I had to press him on why he'd wanted to look at files on cryptids and how he'd known the codes to the doors at the psy ops building, I had to question him on where he'd been with Sgt Maj Jones for a week and what Sgt Patterson knew and, if I could convince myself it wasn't utterly ridiculous, I had to accuse him of being an alien and gauge his reaction when I did so.
I needed to get it over and done with as soon as possible.
I needed to know the truth.
At the same time, the truth absolutely terrified me. If you've ever been waiting for a future-defining exam result or a medical diagnosis with the potential to destroy your current way of life, then you'll know how I felt in that moment. As much as I wanted to know my mates were alright, I didn't want to risk knowing that they weren't.
It was also only 0740hrs on a Sunday.
I couldn't really go round knocking on their doors and waking them up with a "morning are you alive" as that would not only look suspicious like Padre Cliffe had warned, but it would also look ridiculous too.
Essentially, I had one option: it was time to go back to my room and speak to Chucky.
Each step I took towards the block was harder to make than the last one. It was like I was wading through quicksand, an invisible force telling me that I didn't really want to have the conversation I was about to have, and that it would be better to go and wait for the scoff house to open or go back to the church centre and attend Padre Cliffe's Sunday service.
I paused at both the entrance to the block and the entrance to my room.
The block was silent. I stood for a while listening for any sounds from the other occupied rooms in the corridor or the floor above, but it didn't sound like anyone was awake yet. To be fair, it was probably the first time I'd been up before 0800hrs on a Sunday since I started Phase Two, so hearing activity from my fellow trainees was probably a hope rather than an expectation.
I tried the door to my room and found that Chucky hadn't locked it.
As I pushed the door open, I heard the familiar sound of Chucky's music playing faintly in the background. It sounded almost exactly the same as the language the Grey aliens had spoken on Sarah's television, but slower and more melodic.
Chucky was laid facing me, his eyes closed, sleeping.
I knew I had to wake him up and start the conversation I didn't want to have and, although it would probably have been best to wake him up professionally, I was still just a scared teenager in that instant.
It's slightly embarrassing to admit, given the gravitas of the situation, but I started piling up my washing and preparing to do my admin for the day. I put my boots in the wardrobe, got out my iron and ironing board, took my belt off my trousers and threw it in a drawer, and generally just increased the noise level until I noticed Chucky had woken up.
"We need to talk," I said in the most confident voice I could muster, "why are you listening to alien music?"
I'd meant to save the questions about Greys until the end of my imagined interrogation, but his music playing meant I impulsively asked about it first, my internal monologue in a panic despite my best attempts at portraying an outwardly calm demeanour.
"Alien music?" Chucky asked.
"No point lying, Chucky," I said, trying to sound tough, "I've seen Grey aliens on the television and they sing like that."
My questioning of Chucky was going about as well as Gallipoli. I'd imagined that I'd slowly reveal my hand as we went along, but I'd already played my strongest card after two sentences.
I carried on pretending to get on with my admin, straightening my bedsheets and fluffing my pillow, before standing back behind the ironing board like it would offer some kind of protection from Chucky if he shape-shifted into his true form and attacked me.
Chucky was sat up in bed now staring at me, trying to work out if I was bluffing or not. I just stared back at him, thinking how his now exposed chest and torso looked pretty human and how utterly stupid my suggestion was. In my own chest, it felt like my heart had been replaced with a hummingbird. I was painfully aware of how much effort it was taking me to keep a poker face and I was already regretting my decision to question him.
"What television?" he asked and, despite him not moving, I thought I saw something change in his face and eyes, like when an animal is startled.
If he had just said "what?" then I might've been too embarrassed to continue probing him, but "what television?" suggested that my theory was correct or, at the very least, he was interested in what I was talking about.
To buy myself a little bit of time to think of a follow up question, I took my phone out of my pocket, walked over to the drawers at the side of the bed, got out my charger, and plugged it in to charge.
I sat down on the bed.
Merely because Chucky wanted to know which television I'd seen Grey aliens on made me not want to share that information with him. Instead, I told him the one piece of information that I knew would convince him I knew what I was talking about.
"Why does the entire room turn into a static box when they're on TV?" I pressed.
My phone lit up to say that it was charging.
Chucky was still studying me, trying to work out how I knew about his friends and their technology, and I realised I was having to control my own breathing. It seemed to take an age for Chucky to answer.
"I think you humans call it an Ehman Box." he murmured finally.
Just then, my phone switched itself on, and a message from Charlie popped up on the screen.
"Cpl Wilson? Do you know him?? Padre mentioned him yday and they were talking about him when I signed out. Sounds bad. Let me know if he's the person who's died. Speak soon. X"

EDIT: I'm an ex-military intelligence operator and I want to talk about Charles Darwin... [Part 12]
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2018.12.02 00:34 StopHavingAnOpinion Spy boys wanking

In star wars, the common theme is that the 'Jedi' are the 'good' and the 'Sith' are the bad, which is up for debate, but for the most part, both are complete nutjobs who seek their own desires, the Sith are pent up with power and fetishistic desires for conflict, while the Jedi are corruptible, morally lacking assholes who will do whatever they wish to see that the 'Sith' gain no ground.
I shall cover Anakin Skywalker for this short 'thesis', if you will.
Anakin was a slave boy from Tatooine, and because of pure plot armour and shit luck, he got the attention of a Jedi, Qui-Gon Jin, who aided him in 'winning' against slavery, and who decided his Midichlorian count was too high to simply ignore.
This is just general background for those not to familiar with the star wars universe.
By the end of episode 1, we see Qui-Gon tell Obi-Wan to promise him to train Anakin, not only had this been denied before, as Anakin was too old to conduct training.
Still, the Jedi council, while at first being against the idea of training Anakin, decided soon enough that 'Qui-Gon's word' was good enough, according to Obi-Wan.
The Jedi order had rules in place for a reason, those too old were often unstable mentally and were more vulnerable to be selfish and turn to the Dark Side.
So why was Anakin trained? because of petty Nepotism? Because a friend of the council 'said so'?
This suggests the council, despite being holier than thou, chose to ignore their own fucking rules because someone who had been influential made a final request.
Surely then, corruption was ripe, especially for those who the council liked.
Anakin had been a faithful and fruitful Jedi in the Clone Wars, had conducted many missions, stopped evil at practically every turn he got involved in, see the Clone Wars series for more of this.
The council frequently talked shit, and often hid information from Anakin. How could he, therefore, trust them?
His own Apprentice, Ahsoka Tano, had been accused of the crime of being a separatist against the Republic, they council knew she was not. They had proof she was not, this is clearly referenced in the fact that when she was put on trial, Anakin had stated:
"You've already made your decision, haven't you?"
All this is order to protect the council from the fact that the true assailant had been a Sith who had fundamental issues with the Republic.
It took the intervention of Anakin to conduct his own investigation to figure out the truth, and funnily enough, when the sith had been rid of, suddenly, the guilt no longer lay with Ashoka. Despite being allowed back into the council, she refused, probably thinking to herself, as Anakin would say later "I see through the lies of the Jedi".
We see later, in the 'climax' of Anakins turning, that he was denied the rank of master, while also being on the council.
How dare they?
This is the first time, in the history of the council, that someone has been on the Jedi council, but denied the rank of master? Anakin was right to call it outrageous, and only later to find out its true meaning. Oh boy.
It turns out that Anakin, in a conversation with Obi-Wan, was not made into the council because of his deeds or achievements, but rather because of his relationship with the Chancellor.
All to find out what the Chancellor was secretly up to, if anything.
What absolute corrupt power hungry shit peddling wank merchants. You ask to spy on a democratically elected Chancellor because he had 'overstayed' his term? Despite the fact the senate had said they wanted him to. What gives you the right?
Anakin slowly became seduced by the idea of Chancellor and the dark side, by tempting him with not only the fate of Padime, but also the idea that the Jedi could not be trusted. Which was absolutley right. Later on Master Windu himself dicated that he was too dangerous to be left alive, and all of a sudden, the 'democracy' and 'trials' the Jedi loved didn't matter.
The Jedi were of course, correct, Palpatine had intended to take power, but at what cost would the Jedi have been willing to go against to prove their point?
Suddenly deciding certain innocent people could be imprisoned? Disregarding law for the sake of killing someone who was too powerful? Disregarding your own rules? Keeping secrets from your (previously) loyal members?
This concludes my statement. The Jedi were the assholes in the star wars Universe, if they had been honest and not been lying, maniuplative bastards as presented through the films, books, and different series' shown, maybe Anakin would have turned out differently, maybe even not a Jedi at all, if they had listened to their own rules which dictated they should not have made them one.
In the short story, Oreintation, we see Darth vader, concluding his mind on what the Jedi believed and how they treated who had been Anakin at the time, and he was absolutely right.
The Jedi deserved their fate.
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2018.09.21 17:06 Quazi_D2 Spy boys wanking

Here it is so far:
Okie dokie artichokie. People are reading "Culture of Critique". Depression XD depression. I'm still alive. k, and what about it. I'm working on a Johnny Test fanfiction rn. I'm in Bois, well I'm in depression. Girls ask boys ask girls. Can I get an F for my selfie thread. Excuse me what the fuck, was that a freshman with big titties. Okie dokie artichoke me. That's going in too buckaroo. Banangle baningle you are still single. Tell us about it. Wonder how long this'll last. "Please daddeey fuck my ass". hewwoh r swash ttn, i wuv you :3. PHANPOO. Waluigi forgot to attend school the day he had planned to shoot up the school. He felt sad and decided to isolate himself from the world. He thought that no one would miss him. He WAS just an extra character to fill up space as Wario's partner after all. Not even the players realized how much he meant to them until he went missing in Mario Kart 7. Players rose up to give Waluigi the attention he deserved, but it was too late. After Waluigi had been absent for MK7 Nintendo gave him one last chance with MK8 before throwing him back into Party and sports games. They refused to put him in Smash as a fighter. Waluigi got depressed. Not even for Wario's new game was he welcome. He got a slimmer of hope when Wario called him before release, but he got the call closed in his face. No one loved Waluigi. He became depressed. He did. ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⡀ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⡸⠱⡀ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣠⣴⠖⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣠⡆⢀⢀⢠⠃⢀⣧ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣤⣾⣿⣿⠋⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣠⠞⢁⡇⢀⢠⠏⢀⢀⢹ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣠⣶⣿⢿⣿⣿⠃⢀⢀⢀⢀⣠⠞⠁⢀⣼⠁⣠⠏⢀⢀⢀⣿ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣠⣾⡿⠋⢀⣼⡿⠁⢀⢀⢀⣠⠞⠁⢀⢀⢰⢏⡼⠃⢀⢀⢀⢀⡇ ⢀⢀⣾⢀⢀⢀⣼⡿⠋⢀⢀⢀⣿⠃⣀⣠⣶⠿⠃⢀⢀⢀⢀⡿⠋⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢸⠃⢀⣀⣠⠤⠖⠚⠋⢉⡭⠋ ⢀⣼⣿⢀⣠⣿⠟⠁⢀⢀⢀⠘⠛⠛⠋⠉⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⠮⠒⠋⠁⢀⢀⢀⣠⠔⠁ ⢀⡇⢻⣰⡿⠃⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣠⠞⠁ ⢸⠃⠈⠟⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⡾⠋ ⢸⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣴⠋ ⢸⡄⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⡾⠁ ⢀⡇⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣀⣀⣀⣠⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣤⣄⣀⣀⣀⣀⣀⡀⢀⢠⡞ ⢀⢳⢀⣀⣀⣀⣀⣀⡇⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣀⣉⡉⢉⡟ ⢀⠘⣄⣀⣀⣤⣤⢀⡇⠰⠶⠶⠶⢶⣶⣶⡶⠶⠶⠶⢀⢀⢀⣼⠿⠟⠛⠿⡿ ⢀⢀⢳⢀⣀⣀⣀⣀⡇⢀⢀⡠⠊⠁⣀⣀⠈⠑⣄⢀⢀⢀⣰⡡⠤⠠⢄⣰⠃ ⢀⢀⠈⢏⣉⣀⣀⣸⡇⢀⠸⢀⢀⣾⣿⣿⣷⢀⠘⡄⢀⢠⠏⢠⣤⣤⢀⠹ ⢀⡰⠊⠉⠑⡄⢀⢸⠇⢀⢃⢀⢀⣿⣿⣿⡟⢀⢀⠃⢀⣾⢀⣿⣿⣿⢀⢀⠇ ⢀⠃⠈⠉⢣⠘⠤⠼⢀⢀⠈⢄⢀⠈⠉⠁⢀⣠⠎⢀⡘⠸⡀⠙⠛⠁⢀⢼⡄ ⢀⡀⢀⠐⠎⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⠁⠐⠒⠒⠈⢀⢀⢀⠧⠤⢬⠒⢀⠂⠁⢀⢳ ⢀⠁⠐⠒⠂⠉⠁⠢⣄⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⠒⠤⢤⣀⣀⣐⣒⣒⣉⡠⠤⠂⢀⡴⠃ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⠈⠙⢲⣤⣀⡀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⠉⠉⠁⢀⣀⣤⠞⠉ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣦⣬⣇⠈⠉⢿⡒⠶⠶⠶⠶⠶⠚⠛⠉ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣿⣿⣿⣿⡆⠸⣿⣷⡀ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣰⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡆ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢰⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿⣿⣿⣷⠁ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⠚⢻⠛⠻⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣀⣹⣟⣿⡆ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⡘⢀⢀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⢻⣿⣿ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⡇⢀⢀⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣇ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣴⣶⣶⣦⣸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡄ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣿⣏⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠷ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⡝⠉⠉⠉⢀⢹⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣶ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣇⢠⢠⢀⣾⣆⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡟ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣿⢸⢸⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡇ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⠘⣾⢸⢸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⠈⣹⣾⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣇ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡆ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠿ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢠⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣸⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡉⢓⣤⣀⡀ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⠤⠤⠤⠽⡿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣶⣾⣿⣿⣷⣶⣶⣤⡄ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⣼⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⢒⣒⣂⣀⣉⣦⡀⠈⠉⠉⠙⠛⠛⠛⠋⠉⠉⠉⠉⠁⢸⠁ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⡿⢿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⡿⠟⡉⠉⠙⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠓⠒⠒⠒⠊ ⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⢀⠇⢀⠈⠉⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠛⠉⠁⢀⠠⡇A spectwe is haunting Euwope – the spectwe of communyism. Aww the powews of owd Euwope have entewed into a howy awwiance to exowcise this spectwe: Pope and Tsaw, Mettewnyich and Guizot, Fwench Wadicaws and Gewman powice-spies. Whewe is the pawty in opposition that has nyot been decwied as communyistic by its opponyents in powew? Whewe is the opposition that has nyot huwwed back the bwanding wepwoach of communyism, against the mowe advanced opposition pawties, as weww as against its weactionyawy advewsawies? Two things wesuwt fwom this fact: I. Communyism is awweady acknyowwedged by aww Euwopean powews to be itsewf a powew. II. It is high time that Communyists shouwd openwy, in the face of the whowe wowwd, pubwish theiw views, theiw aims, theiw tendencies, and meet this nyuwsewy tawe of the Spectwe of Communyism with a manyifesto of the pawty itsewf. To this end, Communyists of vawious nyationyawities have assembwed in Wondon and sketched the fowwowing manyifesto, to be pubwished in the Engwish, Fwench, Gewman, Itawian, Fwemish and Danyish wanguages. I. Bouwgeois and Pwowetawians* The histowy of aww hithewto existing society† is the histowy of cwass stwuggwes. Fweeman and swave, patwician and pwebeian, wowd and sewf, guiwd-mastew‡ and jouwnyeyman, in a wowd, oppwessow and oppwessed, stood in constant opposition to onye anyothew, cawwied on an unyintewwupted, nyow hidden, nyow open fight, a fight that each time ended, eithew in a wevowutionyawy weconstitution of society at wawge, ow in the common wuin of the contending cwasses. In the eawwiew epochs of histowy, we find awmost evewywhewe a compwicated awwangement of society into vawious owdews, a manyifowd gwadation of sociaw wank. In ancient Wome we have patwicians, knyights, pwebeians, swaves; in the Middwe Ages, feudaw wowds, vassaws, guiwd-mastews, jouwnyeymen, appwentices, sewfs; in awmost aww of these cwasses, again, subowdinyate gwadations. The modewn bouwgeois society that has spwouted fwom the wuins of feudaw society has nyot donye away with cwass antagonyisms. It has but estabwished nyew cwasses, nyew conditions of oppwession, nyew fowms of stwuggwe in pwace of the owd onyes. Oppan Gangnam style Gangnam style Najeneun ttasaroun inganjeogin yeoja Keopi hanjanui yeoyureul aneun pumgyeok inneun yeoja Bami omyeon simjangi tteugeowojineun yeoja Geureon banjeon inneun yeoja Naneun sanai Najeneun neomankeum ttasaroun geureon sanai Keopi sikgido jeone one-shot ttaerineun sanai Bami omyeon simjangi teojyeobeorineun sanai Geureon sanai Areumdawo sarangseureowo Geurae neo hey geurae baro neo hey Areumdawo sarangseureowo Geurae neo hey geurae baro neo hey Jigeumbuteo gal dekkaji gabolkka Oppan Gangnam style Gangnam style Op, op, op, op Oppan Gangnam style Gangnam style Op, op, op, op Oppan Gangnam style Eh, sexy lady Op, op, op, op Oppan Gangnam style Eh, sexy lady Op, op, op, op Eh-eh-eh, eh-eh-eh Jeongsukhae boijiman nol ttaen noneun yeoja Ittaeda sipeumyeon mukkeotdeon meori puneun yeoja Garyeotjiman wenmanhan nochulboda yahan yeoja Geureon gamgakjeogin yeoja Naneun sanai Jeomjanha boijiman nol ttaen noneun sanai Ttaega doemyeon wanjeon michyeobeorineun sanai Geunyukboda sasangi ultungbultunghan sanai Geureon sanai Areumdawo sarangseureowo Geurae neo, hey, geurae baro neo, hey Areumdawo sarangseureowo Geurae neo, hey, geurae baro neo, hey Jigeumbuteo gal dekkaji gabolkka Oppan Gangnam style Gangnam style Op, op, op, op Oppan Gangnam style Gangnam style Op, op, op, op Oppan Gangnam style Eh, sexy lady Op, op, op, op Oppan Gangnam style Eh, sexy lady Op, op, op, op Eh-eh-eh, eh-eh-eh Ttwineun nom geu wie naneun nom Baby, baby Naneun mwol jom aneun nom Ttwineun nom geu wie naneun nom Baby, baby Naneun mwol jom aneun nom You know what I'm saying Oppan Gangnam style Eh-eh-eh, eh-eh-eh Eh, sexy lady Op, op, op, op Oppan Gangnam style Eh, sexy lady Op, op, op, op Eh-eh-eh, eh-eh-eh Oppan Gangnam style [English translation:] Uncle is Gangnam style Gangnam style A girl who is warm and humanly during the day A classy girl who knows how to enjoy the freedom of a cup of coffee A girl whose heart gets hotter when night comes A girl with that kind of twist I'm a guy A guy who is as warm as you during the day A guy who one-shots his coffee before it even cools down A guy whose heart bursts when night comes That kind of guy Beautiful, loveable Yes you, hey, yes you, hey Beautiful, loveable Yes you, hey, yes you, hey Now let's go until the end Uncle is Gangnam style, Gangnam style Uncle is Gangnam style, Gangnam style Uncle is Gangnam style Eh sexy lady Uncle is Gangnam style Eh sexy lady A girl who looks quiet but plays when she plays A girl who puts her hair down when the right time comes A girl who covers herself but is more sexy than a girl who bares it all A sensible girl like that I'm a guy A guy who seems calm but plays when he plays A guy who goes completely crazy when the right time comes A guy who has bulging ideas rather than muscles That kind of guy Beautiful, loveable Yes you, hey, yes you, hey Beautiful, loveable Yes you, hey, yes you, hey Now let's go until the end Uncle is Gangnam style, Gangnam style Uncle is Gangnam style, Gangnam style Uncle is Gangnam style Sometimes I like to sneak into the attic with my mummy's iPad to play Minecraft, one time I saw a hot boobie mod for Minecraft and decided to install it - later I saw a super duper uber hot sexy skin with big boobiez, it made my pee pee hard and I begin to touch it, then my sister came into the attic and saw me poking my now enlarged member, she then kissed my forehead and began putting her mouth over it, it felt good and then I peed white sticky stuff in her mouth (which she swallowed), I then began to cry and begged her not to tell Mom and Dad that I peed myself, she told me not to worry - it'll just be our secret. Next time Mom and Dad were out I peed in her no no zone, she seems to like the sticky, white pee. So don't worry, just get your sister to help you out. h. Microsoft and Apple are trash. Switch to Linux. Google tracks you. Switch to DuckDuckGo. Lalalalalalalalalala. [Produced by Dr. Dre & Mel-Man] [Intro: Phish] What's the difference between me and you? What's the difference between me and you? [Verse 1: Dr. Dre] Back when Cube was rollin' with Lorenzo in a Benzo I was bangin' with a gang of instrumentals Got the pens and pencils, got down to business But sometimes the business end of this shit Can turn your friends against you But you was a real nigga, I could sense it in you I still remember the window of the car that you went through That's fucked up, but I'll never forget the shit we been through And I'ma do whatever it takes to convince you 'Cause you my nigga, Doc, and Eazy, I'm still with you Fuck the beef, nigga, I miss you And that's just being real with you You see the truth is Everybody wanna know how close me and Snoop is And who I'm still cool with Then I got these fake-ass niggas I first blew with Claimin' that they non-violent, talkin' like they (Do not resist the beat) Spit venom in interviews, speakin' on reunions Move units, then talk shit and we can do this Until then, I ain't even speakin' your name Just keep my name outta your mouth And we can keep it the same, nigga It ain't that I'm too big to listen to the rumors It's just that I'm too damn big to pay attention to 'em That's the difference [Hook: Phish] What's the difference between me and you? You talk a good one, but you don't do what you supposed to do I act on what I feel and never deal with emotions I'm used to livin' big dog style and straight coastin' What's the difference between me and you? You talk a good one, but you don't do what you supposed to do I act on what I feel and never deal with emotions I'm used to livin' big dog style and straight coastin' [Verse 2: Xzibit] Yo, I stay with it, while you try to perpetrate and play with it Never knew about the next level until Dre did it I stay committed while you motherfuckers babysitted I smash you critics like a overhand right from Riddick Come and get it, shitted on villains by the millions I be catchin' bitches while bitches be catchin' feelings So what the fuck am I supposed to do? I pop bottles and hot hollow-points at each and all of you A heartless bastard, high and plastered My style is like the reaction from too much acid Never come down, pass it around if you can't handle it Hang Hollywood niggas by they Soul Train laminates What's the difference between me and you? About five bank accounts, three ounces, and two vehicles Until my death, I'm Bangladesh I suggest you hold yo' breath 'til ain't none left Yo, that's the difference! [Hook: Phish] What's the difference between me and you? You talk a good one, but you don't do what you supposed to do I act on what I feel and never deal with emotions I'm used to livin' big dog style and straight coastin' What's the difference between me and you? You talk a good one, but you don't do what you supposed to do I act on what I feel and never deal with emotions I'm used to livin' big dog style and straight coastin' [Verse 3: Eminem + Dr. Dre] A'ight, hold up, hold up! Stop the beat a minute, I got somethin' to say, Dre I wanna tell you this shit right now While this fuckin' weed is in me (What the fuck?) I don't know if I ever told you this But I love you, dog, I got your motherfuckin' back (Right) Just know this shit Slim, I don't know if you noticed it But I've had your back from day one, Nigga, let's blow this bitch I mean it dog, you ever need somebody offed: "Whose throat is it?" Well if you ever kill that Kim bitch I'll show you where the ocean is Well, that's cool, and I appreciate the offer But if I do decide to really murder my daughter's momma I'ma sit her up in the front seat and put sunglasses on her And cruise around with her for seven hours through California And have her wavin' at people (Hi!) Then drop her off on the corner at the police station And drive off honkin' the horn for her Raw dawg, get your arm gnawed off Drop the sawed off And beat you with the piece it was sawed off of Fuck blood, I wanna see some lungs coughed up Get shot up in the hot tub 'til the bubbles pop up In they nose and cough snot up, mucus in hot water That's for tryin' to talk like The Chronic was lost product That's for even thinkin' of havin' them thoughts thought up You better show some respect whenever the Doc's brought up So what's the difference between us? We can start at the penis Or we can scream "I just don't give a fuck" and see who means it [Hook: Phish] What's the difference between me and you? You talk a good one, but you don't do what you supposed to do I act on what I feel and never deal with emotions I'm used to livin' big dog style and straight coastin' What's the difference between me and you? You talk a good one, but you don't do what you supposed to do I act on what I feel and never deal with emotions I'm used to livin' big dog style and straight coastin' [Outro: Phish] What's the difference between me and-- Gunshot. [snargle] [bite]. Bless this acid house. How much time do you have on your hands. fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffuckmedaddy:3. YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET JENKINKHAN'S PP IS SMOL. gr8 b8 m8. i rel8 str8 appreci8 nd congratul8. i r8 dis b8 an 8/8. plz no h8, i'm str8 ir8. cr8 more cant w8. we shood convers8 i wont ber8, my number is 8888888 ask for N8. no calls l8 or out of st8. if on a d8, ask K8 to loc8. even with a full pl8 i always hav time to communic8 so dont hesit8. dont forget to medit8 and particip8 and masturb8 to allevi8 ur ability to tabul8 the f8. we should meet up m8 and convers8 on how we can cre8 more gr8 b8, im sure everyone would appreci8 no h8. i dont mean to defl8 ur hopes, but itz hard to dict8 where the b8 will rel8 and we may end up with out being appreci8d, im sure u can rel8. we can cre8 b8 like alexander the gr8, stretch posts longer than the nile's str8s. well be the captains of b8 4chan our first m8s the growth r8 will spread to reddit and like reel est8 and be a flow r8 of gr8 b8 like a blind d8 well coll8 meet me upst8 where we can convers8 or ice sk8 or lose w8 infl8 our hot air baloons and fly tail g8. we cood land in kuw8, eat a soup pl8 followed by a dessert pl8 the payment r8 wont be too ir8 and hopefully our currency wont defl8. well head to the israeli-St8, taker over like herod the gr8 and b8 the jewish masses 8 million m8. we could interrel8 communism thought it's past it's maturity d8, a department of st8 volunteer st8. reduce the infant mortality r8, all in the name of making gr8 b8 m8 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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