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2020.10.24 09:04 CricketmasterFascist NoFap, sexual dreams, libido, and Carl Jung
Hi all! I'm just being an amateur psychologist here, but I'd like to share what happened to me and I wonder if someone has experienced the same thing and, perhaps, could benefit from this experience.
Also, I'd like to explore Carl Jung's work a bit in regards to libido, sexual urges, and the unconscious mind.
Ever since I've been reading (about) Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung, I started to pay more attention to my dreams, which are basically reflections of what's lurking in the dark (including sexual desires).
A sexual dream
Now I'm writing this I'm 12 days into abstaining from PMO. It's been a year since I've had such a "long" streak, so go figure.
The last time I had sex was in December 2019. Since then, everything went a bit downhill for me on an emotional level. The 'virus' was a nice addition to that. I'm sparing you the details, but I've been indulging in porn ever since and suffer from insomnia.
On my current streak, I begin to feel alive again.
Last night I had this extremely intense sexual dream. It was so unbelievably 'animalistic'. There were almost no thoughts involved; it was pure lust. And it felt great!
After that, I woke up, fell back asleep, and slept until 9:30AM, and woke up again in a way that I haven't experienced for a long time: rested and energized. My morning tea tastes great, music sounds beautiful.
Jung & sexual energy
Now, what I experienced in my dream is something that I seem to have been disconnected from for a long time, because of my porn usage. This deeper animalistic side of me has come out in the past during sex with a real partner, so I recognized it immediately.
I'd say this dream was the unconscious 'Shadow' (in Jung's terminology) coming to the surface, which is, in this case, a deep desire to have real, body-to-body sexual contact with a female, including all the touches, smells, sounds, et cetera.
I think that the repression of this animalistic side is not just a consequence but also a cause of porn addiction. Why does porn addiction, or even worse perversions like pedophilia, often happen in certain strongly religious circles?
Now, by constantly feeding this addiction by fapping to porn, we basically silence a part of ourselves, which I'd call the sexual beast within. When we stop sedating this beast with dirty images and videos on a screen and deny it of its vital energy by ejaculating all the time, it awakes and shows itself to us through thoughts, feelings, and... dreams.
It yells at us: "Hey! You're a sexual being! I'm nothing to be feared! Instead, my power is to be harnessed and used! It's yours! Please don't waste it on 'the Hub'!"
Now, the inner beast has a much bigger (and mysterious) purpose than just ejaculating. Hell, it goes way beyond sex! I feel that if we stop sedating it and instead integrate it into our daily lives, it can be a source of great strength.
But as I feel the beast right now, just after my dream, being present in every cell of my body, it's almost like I've released a formerly repressed bunch of energy, which is now free to move within my body. It's actually relaxing and energizing at the same time. This is a quote by Jung:
All psychological phenomena can be considered as manifestations of energy, in the same way that all physical phenomena have been understood as energic manifestations ever since Robert Mayer discovered the law of the conservation of energy. Subjectively and psychologically, this energy is conceived as desire. I call it libido, using the word in its original sense, which is by no means only sexual.Jung observed that the danger of repressing something that's part of our nature leads to it controlling us. Urges come from nowhere, they dictate our behavior, and before we know it we have become enslaved to them.
Psychoanalysis and Neurosis,” CW 4, par. 567.
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Year from hell
Let me start by saying I never thought I would need to expose my self in such a personal and vulnerable way. It’s been about a year since I first realized I was a rape victim. Just like many others, it was by someone I trusted so much. After speaking with so many people that have also been in similar circumstances and knowing not one that got justice I felt so lost. I truly felt that it would be an open and shut case once I decided to move forward with charges. When I came to reality that it’s not that simple I thought I could just let it go. Something inside me as the memories and pain that I have suppressed for so long and being certain that I wasn’t the first or only, I realized my internal dialog has forced me to tell my story. No one should ever feel so alone. Hopefully I can be a voice to at least one other. Even better maybe it will inspire others to tell their story also.
I moved to Toronto in 2016 and started working a male strip club. I met and befriend a man that was basically my type to a t. Dominant good looking arrogant and a military srgt We got along pretty good but also would butt heads often. I actually found him to be a bit of an asshole as did pretty much everyone we worked with, he had a way of making you see past it I guess.
A year later he ended up having a room available in his home. It was furnished in a nice neighborhood and the rent was great. Not to mention I found him very attractive so I thought why not.
I moved in and from the moment I arrived he was super welcoming. He made a smoothy and said I was welcome to anything in his home and was just all around nice. It was not at all what I expected being that he was not really that type at work and we flirted in an argumentative way often. I was so surprised by his behaviour that it was the first thing I raved about when mutual acquaintances would cautiously ask how living with him was.
The first day we hung out for a hour, he showed me around his place and I drank the smoothy and ate with him. I settled into my room which was on the first floor of his house. Maybe ten minutes later I crashed at the foot of my bed. Not at all uncommon for me though I thought as I’m known for passing out everywhere at anytime. I woke up suddenly about 1 ½ later after having really bad sleep paralysis like never before. Being someone who’s open to supernatural things I got sage and saged the place like crazy. He laughed at me after I told him. 🤦🏾♂
We got along great for the most part. Always flirting and “ joking” about having a three-way with another gay friend of ours. Never thinking that it would ever happen but still hopeful lol. Typical straight gay friend stuff for me. The part that always intrigued me is that he liked when I had dates over because according to him I would clean my room regularly lol. A few time he would knock on my door to see what I was up to and would peak over my shoulder to see what was “going on”. I would tease him and say I’ll leave the door open so he could watch next time. At some point during the time I lived with him I started sending him videos to which he never complained. I figured since he would come to my door when things were happening might as well give in to his curiosity. At the time I was ok with it.
On my birthday in 2018 I came home around 2ish after being out with friends. I told him earlier that I would be home early. Not that it should have really mattered in my eyes but I came home later. When I went up stairs to the kitchen he was sitting in the living room like a strict father. I was happy to see him at first because he was just in shorts and I secretly joked to my self, oh it’s my birthday and no one is home maybe this is the time. Instewd he asked what I did, and I said sorry I thought you would be sleeping. Then he said what did I tell you about leaving lights on. I was like” uh what??” in an angry tone he approached me and said “You left the bathroom light on in your room!” I was like “ok.. sorry”. I turned around irrated thinking to myself, why are you in my room to begin with. I walked to the patio, closed the door and sat down. As I was lighting my smoke he threw open the door and said. “I won't ask again.” Which I replied “Good.” He stepped out side and said. “Don’t you dare sass me.” I replied “ ok Dad.” With distain. Seemed like a lot of anger for a bathroom light but I didn’t read into it to much past him being his usual controlling self. I went to my room afterwards and text him to never speak to me like that ever again. He ran down from his room and demanded “meet me on the patio in 2 mins.” I replied “nope I’m good”. He demanded I do and I kept refusing to which he called me condescending names that someone who isn’t in control would. I went to bed and didn’t speak to him for a few days.. after this point I pretty much just kept to myself and stayed in my room. I shouldn’t have been surprised as he was always this kind of person when I previously worked with him but over all I still liked living there as long as I kept a distance.
After a few months I start feeling like something wasn’t right in the house. I would wake in the morning and feel like my room wasn’t the same or I remember thinking I had conversations with someone but couldn’t remember who or the details of what was said. On more than a few occasions I asked him if we chatted or if he had someone over the previous night. The answer would typically be that he had stayed at his parents or he was sleeping early the previously night, but generally that he wasn’t home. I just assumed that it was me being paranoid about being in the house alone. Most nights if he wasn’t home either his girl friend or the other roommate would be there if he wasn't so I just let it go. ( See text messages at the end)
One morning I woke up and I felt a bit groggy but nothing to out for the norm. I hadn’t gone out the night before but I had been working quite a bit on a cooking reality show during the week and an tv shopping gig on the weekends. So basically every day was 8 to 12 hours. This day I happened to have off so I attributed the extra sleep to catching up. The weird thing was, I was sleeping with my head at the foot of my bed. Even more strange there was “ body fluids” on the right side of my abdomen and rip cage. When I took my pants off to jump in the shower it was the same thing on my thigh… I thought to myself, 35 seems like an odd age for something like this to happen for the first time? The weirdest part is I felt like I was strangely clean externally in other areas, without going into details. That’s embarrassing enough to share but I don’t know how else to help paint a picture of my thought process.
Things got weirder after the first time I started feeling things were off. We had a door with a coded lock and an alarm code. I told him that I was worried someone was coming in. I asked if I could have the alarm code and if he would mind changing the door code. He kind of laughed it off as I guessed I didn’t ask with enough urgency. The feeling I couldn’t shake so I asked him multiple times the same thing. Each time more serious than the last. During this time I was convinced that someone was breaking in which I told him repeatedly. He gave the door code to friends and neighbours which being the only one two floors down from everyone else made me uncomfortable. Once I walked out of my room and the neighbour just walked in to the house after typing the code in. When I told him that made me uncomfortable he got agitated and said he trusted him. I told him I understood that but it wasn’t really my point. He just kept assuring me that no one was coming in but said he would change it. Never happened. Another thing that I always found very strange is that he would constantly accuse me of not locking the front door. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I lock the doors of even my friends condos when I enter. So much that people have complained to me about it.
Physical things got a bit worse in the weeks to come. Another morning I woke up for work. At this point I was still working about 5-7 days a week. I went to the washroom before getting ready for work. I had to go pretty badly. Not to be graphic but the only thing that came out was not what would expect and more than enough to be concerned. It freaked me out, but more than anything I was confused. Even worse I was notably swollen and torn. I started to lose it but didn’t have much time to process it as I had to be at work early and need to hurry and shower. I wish in had more time to process or realize the severity of what was quite possibly happening. I got to work and after finishing getting the contestants on the show I worked on ready, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I thought to my self, how could something so invasive happen to me without me waking up?? I'm a deep sleeper but within reason. I thought to myself, did someone drug me? I remember thinking I knew where to get at home drug test. That weekend I got it and hoped it would help me sort out what my mind couldn’t.
A week or so later I went to bed like any other night. At some point in the night woke up suddenly to a sharp pain in my ass. I was only awake for a brief moment but the pain was so severe that what ever happened to me previously was exacerbated so much that I was horribly torn. I remember being upright at the foot of my bed feeling a sharp pain. Looking back and seeing a white man standing behind me, I fell and hitting my bed and passing right back out. I woke up the next morning and I tried to pretend to my self that it wasn’t Alex, but I’ve always known it was. I didn’t put this in my journal for the longest time nor have I ever told anyone this quite frankly because I was ashamed that I never told anyone in the beginning. If I had only said this at the beginning would it have changed something? I really didn’t want to believe it was him for so long that I almost block it out. When ever this memory came up I would just supress it.
I secretly (since I didn’t want to lead on that I knew what was going on) started recording voice memos on my phone and IPad to try and sort out what was happening while I slept. I also had Alex to at the have the door sensor beep when the door opened. That was turned off after a few days..
On June 1st of 2019 I had a guy come over. While in my room after a few minutes, I heard my roommate come down the stairs and could hear him outside the door. A while later I walked the guy out locked the door and went to bed. At this point I wasn’t always recording myself sleep but something told me that this night I should. Sure enough something happened. You could hear someone coming down the stairs opening my bedroom door walking in over the plastic desk mat on the floor, opening some kind of bag. There was then a brief break followed by the sound of removing clothing and sexual things happen. I truly didn’t want to believe consciously that and I really didn’t want him to know that I was aware it was him. I knew that his gf was out of town for work and often if that was the case he would say that he would also leave. The next day I confirmed with him that he was home and when I asked if I woke him up he said “lol I wasn’t bothered”.
After reviewing the recording I in a round about way I asked him if he had tried waking me up. He said no? and that he would never just walk in my room while I was asleep. I laughed and reminded him that within the first few months of living there I had woken up to him on top of me to which I screamed and woke up. We attributed that to him thinking I had left and he was turning off my room heater. His girl friend and the other roommate later told me he was very embarrassed by that. So I brushed it off as nothing. Not to mention the whole issue with my bathroom light.
In the middle of June Alex and his Girl friend went to the Dominican for a vacation. Alex checked in and asked how things were going. I said I was good, and asked “how’s your trip.”He told something bad happened on the first day and that he would tell me when he returned. I asked if he was ok and he said he would explain later. That same night I did something specific that should be private. The next day he sent me a text in regards to the details of what I did. This kind of freaked me out and made me a bit paranoid. Keep in mind, I often shared with him the sexual things that I did, however this wasn’t typical for me nor did I even allude to this situation. Knowing what he did for work I thought, is he watching me? Does he have a camera at the door? He was pretty specific, is it in my room? His job out side of bartending we will get to later.
On Canada Day we hosted my two friends to watch the fire works. One happened to be a tenant at an apartment owned by Alex's girl friend. The three of us noticed that she was pretty quiet that night but the night was fun over all. A few days later Alex asked her to leave. Apparently what happened on their vacation a week prior was enough to break up. It was strange though, as they never fought when they got back and they would laugh and act as if nothing happened. I just assumed that whatever it was that happened specifically was no longer an issue. Wasn’t my business so I didn’t ask. Suddenly one day she was just gone.
The way he acted while she was gone was very strange. He would say overly affectionate things and was being way more attentive. We would often exchange massages and sometimes when he was sitting on the couch watching tv. I would lay in his arms and he would cuddle me. I just assumed he was sad since he was hurt by what had happened and maybe a bit more emotional than usual, which he never really showed otherwise. During this time he would always ask if my close gay friend would come by, pretty much every other day in fact. The same one that we already joked about having a three-way with. When he finally did come over we all just flirted as usual on the back patio off the kitchen. We talked about what we would do when the timing worked better. During that time we brought up a gay porn star, to which Alex knew exactly who he was by name and also mentioned a few gay porn sites that we were both very familiar with. We were a bit intrigued as too how he was so familiar. He responded by stating. I know a lot of things. The way he said it was kind of creepy but at this point knowing what he had done to me mixed with his new attention he gave had me like a pendulum. I went back and forth between wanting to catch him in the act of what he was doing to me to have him punished to wanting to know just for the fact of knowing and being curious about it. It wasn’t a long visit as Alex had to leave for work. We talked about meeting up again soon. At this point something made me feel like if we did something consensual together it would take away from the fact that he had already been doing whatever he wanted without my knowledge.
One day about a week after his gf had left, she returned with a friend I guess to pick things up. Alex had said if she ever comes back to tell him as she was banned from entering without him home. To be honest I thought that was ridiculous so I just didn’t acknowledge that she was there. The strange thing is a half hour later he asked if she stopped by. I said “yes I think she did. Did she call you.” He said no but she must have known his work schedule. I asked “ okay, but how did you know she was there?”He said “I just had a feeling she might need stuff.” I was a little tripped out as I already thought he might be monitoring the house in some way. It makes sense to think so given his job. At this point I just let it go as nothing.
During the time I had made plans to move to Spain. I was super excited as I had done everything in Toronto that I set out to do and the business I had my makeup studio in was being sold so I had to close. I also felt like I hadn’t been able to get any physical proof as to what had happened and to be quite honest, at this point I wouldn’t have been interested in pressing charges. When I told Alex my plans to move he seemed upset and told me he didn’t want me to leave. I said well if I ever come back I would see if he had space in his place again. Ever since going on a trip to Spain two years prior my heart was set. I had bought my ticket and set the wheels in motion to get my visa. I also told him im he should buy the salon my studio was in as an investment since the price was so cheap. He was interested and he asked to see it. After giving him a tour of it he told me that he didn’t really have time to own a me run this type of business but that if I didn’t leave he would buy it for me and that I could pay him back over time, but I had to stay. I told him that was very generous but my heart was set on moving to Spain. He said fine and that he was excited to have our other mutual friend move in anyway. I laughed and asked if he was trying to make me jealous based on how he phrased it. He just laughed and said he was joking. It kind of made me worried about my friend that was moving in, but based on how our friendship was building I must have rationalized his actions as my fault and as an isolated incident. He made me feel more and more as though we were good friends. Keep in mind this all progressed from the the moment I first asked him about waking me up the night that something happened in early june. Prior to that we talked and hung out far less. I realized later on, all this new found attention and show of friendship was just his was of trying to create a sense of loyalty to him. Very sociopathic, but hind site is 20/20.
Things while his gf was out of the house got stranger. I recorded my sleep nightly. I didn’t feel the need to review as much as I bought a camera and put it in my room in clear view. The first morning I had it there I caught him on camera coming in my room looking right into the camera and walking out. I’ll explain more about this later. Funny that he never came into my room…
One day we were on the back patio having a cigarette (this is typically where we hung out) he mentioned to me that a customer from Remintons’s would be coming over to have a drink and drop a gift they had bought for him. He asked me to stay in my room until he left, I started questioning more about him.
I asked him how he started his career working in the gay bars. He told me that after coming back from his time in the military deployed in Afghanistan that he wanted a way to make money and knew that it would be easy to get a bartending job in the gay world and make tips without much experience. Totally a fair statement and very true. He told me how the first place he worked was a gay monthy event that was kind of alternative and he made a ton of money working in his underwear. Turned out it was a gay sex party called Bober. From there he figured why not work at the strip club that we both bartended at together called Remington’s. He said he was banking so much money it was crazy. I’ve worked in gay clubs and also worked at Remington’s as a bartender. I didn’t understand how he felt like he made so much more money working at a strip club cuz I sure didn’t. I would say I would average 2-3 times more at a regular gay bar. I asked if that is why he was so persistent about getting a job at flash, a men’s private sex club that at the time he was working at. He said his gf suggested many times he come work at her bar but after ten years working with this crowd he knew how to make money in this environment. I said so you basically learned how to exploit gay people?” joking but more passive aggressively to be honest. He just said” I guess you could say that.” I went to my room and the man bearing gifts from Lululemon came over. He stayed for about an hour and then left. I was then free to leave my room.
By this time I was starting to realize the person I was beginning to trust even after what I knew he had done was hiding a lot. I had always known he loved attention be it male or female, old or young. That on its own means nothing really, but after all of this and him also having visitors over from the male sex club he worked at I had more questions.
I started worrying more about the fact that he was bringing people from that environment to the place we lived. Some of them he claimed to be quite close friends with. I was already worried about other people breaking into the house previously and knowing that he was close with patrons of the strip clubs didn’t make me feel any better. Especially since I knew he gave out the door code to his friends. I even started to think the worst types of things like was he possibly giving access to these people and knew that they were breaking into my room? Was he getting paid for this? I worked in that environment so I know how fringe some of these peoples interests could get. Now knowing that these people were bringing him gifts who knows what could translate too. Since I had no evidence to truly suggest that, I forced my self to stop thinking that extreme. Either way it would be him that’s responsible if that was the case.
One morning I ran into Alex in front of my room. He was cleaning the entry way rug and the front walk way. We had a casual conversation and at some point he popped into my room so I could show him the pull out couch I had rented from him had come apart at the base. I guess I must have mentioned it to him at some point as he brought it up, I actually don’t remember telling him as I was afraid to mention it, being that I was always worried about getting in trouble. When he walked in he made a very obvious point to mention the security camera which was at the end of bed and asked why I needed it. That bothered me for many reasons. 1 I know for a fact that he saw it in my room the day I set it up as I have him on camera looking right at it. 2 the fact that I had been complaining about my not feeling safe for so long and asking to change the door code, and three realizing that he had access to the camera footage at anytime if he wanted to. I mentioned all of these things to him. He swore he had never seen it and that he was never in my room. The weirdest part for me is that he mentioned that I hadn’t had anyone over for a long time. In my mind I was thinking we’ll that’s true. I haven’t more specifically because I hadn’t healed from the trauma my body had experienced. In fact it would be healing and then suddenly get worse over and over. It had been a couple months by this point. Looking back it should have been more of a strange comment to have him mention my sexual activity. As I said earlier though it wasn’t out of the norm to discuss these things.
In mid August I heard a recording of someone coming into my room. I could hear him removing clothes after dropping a bag on my floor. Shortly after I heard a woman’s voice pleading with Alex but using the name Xander, saying stop it and that I was clearly asleep. This went on for a few minutes. He told her that I wanted it and if she didn’t like it she could leave. The sound was mostly inaudable after that so I’m unsure whether or not she stayed or why the woman didn’t stop it from happening. The craziest part was this was the first time I knew it wasn’t only just him. I’m hoping that woman whomever she is sees this. To hear an actual conversation was really terrifing, however the video footage on my camera I had purchased was missing for the time period from when this took place. The camera was triggered by motion and would usually trigger every 30 seconds to minute with the slightest movement or sound. This terrified me as I realized that this wasn’t the first time that there was video footage unexplainably missing. At that point I realized that the video was being erased before I would even wake up. I didn’t even occur to me until months later but he had previously told me that he did monitoring of video and emails for the for the government. Investigating information for cases of people and groups under surveillance. That was when I first moved in. At this point in me living with him two years later, he changed his job description and dumbed it down, making it sound like he was just a person forwarding emails… whatever that means. He said he couldn’t go into much more detail than that. I knew that he was part of the military he was very mysterious to the details of his job within it.
Up until that point I was so torn. I couldn’t decide if I cared about what he was doing or not. Knowing that he was bringing other people was really the tipping point for me. I couldn’t figure out what that meant. Maybe I felt like it was my fault for always being so forward or maybe I didn’t mind as crazy as it seems. Looking back I guess it was I partially because I felt like we had become such good friends and I knew that if he was ever found guilty he would never be able to live a normal life and he would most likely go to jail, but relalistically that friendship only truly developed after my first accusation of him coming into my room. I literally balled my eyes out for what felt like forever. Hearing something and knowing someone had witness it and having confirmation of a name made the realism of it all come out in ways I had never imagined. While reviewing it I thought no one was home and I pulled myself together and tried to brush it off completely. A rational reaction would have been to call the police but I felt like I couldn’t ruin his life. Probably one of my biggest regrets is not dealing with it sooner. I felt like after all the flirting and making it obvious that I was into him that I was basically asking for it. It’s so cliché but I don’t think you can truly understand that feeling until it happens to you personally.
The strangest thing about it was they came home later that night and it was like he knew what I had found out. I went upstairs to cut some watermelon, as usual I offered them some. His gf said she was fine but Alex barked back at me saying. No! I don’t want any watermelon.” Being jumpy already after hearing what I had I just said no problem and vanished to my room. I thought to myself ok I have a trip to Vancouver in few days. Maybe I can make sense of everything while I’m away. For the day’s up until my trip he wanted nothing to do with me at all and I don’t think I really saw her either. He was completely irritable and would avoid me at all cost. I couldn’t help but to think that he must had heard my reaction to listening to what I heard.
While I was in Vancouver I mostly tried to not think about it. I did reach out to the friend that me and Alex joked about having a threesome with. I texted him saying. “Girl you’ll never guess, it actually happened finally, nothing like you would ever imagine though.” Reading back that message is so strange. I think I must not have wanted to think about it for what it actually was. I was being raped. I just couldn’t except that someone I trusted so much would do it without my knowledge. Especially when they didn’t have to.
That same night I went to go to bed but as I layed down I felt a bit anxious so decided to go out for a smoke first. I stopped in the washroom in the lobby on the way quickly. Suddenly I was violently ill throwing up all over the entire washroom uncontrollably. It was awful. All over the walls everywhere. It took me over half an hour to try and clean up. I was to humiliated to tell the cleaning staff. The worst part is the baseboards in the washroom are still damaged. It almost like a reminder everytime I use that washroom of the inner stress I felt about the situation. To become violently Ill was symbolic for me holding everything inside.
Alex’s gf had rented out her condo to a friend of mine at the beginning of 2019. The first day when she took possession, Alex and his gf did a walk through of the premises. My friend called me right after and told me how much she clicked with his gf, saying they were soul sisters. She said the same when she gotten back! It felt great to know as when ever you introduce people in this manner it reflects on you. The only comment that my friend had was that Alex kept trying to linger around the place. His gf kept insisting they left but he was reluctant to. A couple weeks later Alex showed up again at her apartment basically unannounced. He text her before coming up stairs and banging on the door since he could see into her place but she didn’t respond since she was ill. My friend was terrified and told his gf about the scenario. She asked her that Alex no longer come to the place and didn’t contact her. His gf apparently apologized and said it would never happen again.
Months later my friend was worried someone was breaking in. She contacted alex's gf but she didn’t respond for almost a week after, she also said that she sent a video showing someone being in her place while she had been at work all day. The only people with access were Alex and his gf. When Alex’s gf finally brought it up to me, she didn’t seem very concerned but stated that obviously she care about anyone’s safety especially a woman’s and would look into it. Though Alex constantly would show up to the apartment uninvited and the woman living there also had concerns that someone in a black car was watching her in the parking lot across the street. I informed her that they drove a black Tesla. When I informed her of that she looked terrified.
After I returned from my trip from Vancouver I was a little nervous to come home. At this point I had checked the camera while I wasn’t home and I saw Alex in my room with a woman that I had heard about but never officially met. He was saying terrible things about me, it would have been surpring to hear him say such aweful things if had been two weeks prior, however as previously mentioned since the week prior to my departure his treatment towards me had done a 180. I knew that they were leaving on a redo vacation apparently to makeup for their first one going so aweful. I knew it would only be a few days once I was back that we would be around each other so I just hoped that things would be better when they returned.
On the night of august 31st I had a friend come “over”. Being together for about 5 minutes, Alex barreled down the stairs and started to bang on the door. I responded can I help you in an irritated voice. He’s ask what are you doing? Are you home? I said yes can we talk later…? He mumbled and said sure. The next day I was sitting with his gf on the back patio of our house. We had a normal conversation then suddenly she said. I’m starting to worry that Alex is a bit racist. To that I thought ummm ok why?? To be honest it threw me off as he was always very PC when we would talk and was surrounded be people of all races. If anything I just thought he thought of him self as better than everyone. At this point in the conversation, he was just standing on the other side of the sliding glass door so it made me feel awkward. She gave some different examples that were a bit racist but standard stereotypes that you hear from people. After that Alex opened the door and......
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2020.10.24 00:11 MarkdownShadowBot Live porn sex show
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AskMenOver30 on 08 Sep 17 (1pts):
I am shadow banned so I am not sure that anyone will see this but...
I was dating a girl who was 1/4 black, 1/4 Japanese, and 1/2 white. My father is a good man, but was raised in the deep South...
AskRedditon 07 Dec 16 (1pts):
Fucking this insanely hot married chick...I know I am shadow banned, but I still had to mention how much I hate myself for not fucking her...omg
bdsmon 26 Oct 16 (1pts):
I am shadow banned, so I am not sure if this post will show or not. Whatever the case is, has no one else considered the fact that she should have been able to tell if he was wearing a condom or...
hockeyon 12 Aug 16 (1pts):
Shadow banned but replying to save...
announcementson 10 Nov 15 (1pts):
Does this apply to those of us who have already been shadow banned for unknown reasons? I really like this site, but I refuse to plead for my ability to comment on posts just because some self...
AskRedditon 03 Sep 15 (1pts):
Could be worse, I got shadow banned months ago because I suggested /conspiracy was full of mentally challenged people. I am still shadowbanned, I am not going to beg to be a part of a site that...
AskRedditon 03 Sep 15 (1pts):
Could be worse, I got shadow banned months ago because I suggested /conspiracy was full of mentally challenged people. I am still shadowbanned, I am not going to beg to be a part of a site that...
cosplaygirlson 14 Jul 15 (1pts):
I know I am shadowbanned, but maybe a mod or an admin could tell me: is that girl mentally handicapped? I mean she has a great body and pretty facial construction, but the look on her face most of...
bestofon 12 Jul 15 (1pts):
Well I for one think this is a great idea.
todayilearnedon 11 Jul 15 (1pts):
Being a Muscogee Creek Indian I tend to disagree with your assessment. He was great in some areas. In others he was a fucking heartless butcher. All in all I am glad he is dead.
AskMenOver30on 11 Jul 15 (1pts):
Well, I know this will probably not be seen (as I am currently shadow banned for saying /conspiracy was full of retards) but on the off chance a mod approves it, here is my two cents:
amishadowbannedon 11 Jun 15 (1pts):
I know I is, but I don't know why.
AskMenOver30on 04 Jun 15 (1pts):
Serious question, do you mean duogenarian or is the word you used a term I am unfamiliar with? If so what does it mean?
Frugalon 04 Jun 15 (1pts):
What about people who put products in their hair? I have to imagine that negates the whole no need to shampoo thing?
todayilearnedon 03 Jun 15 (1pts):
So your skeptical mind was settled by reading an article on a trans activist website? I feel people should pretty much be able to do whatever they want to their own bodies as long as it doesn't harm...
AskRedditon 03 Jun 15 (1pts):
80's New York City or Victorian London. I would love to live in either time.
AskRedditon 03 Jun 15 (1pts):
Prohibition never went anywhere, we are just allowed to drink alcohol again. Thank god our federal babysitters prevent me from doing anything bad by myself.
JusticePornon 03 Jun 15 (1pts):
"Puh-lay-un" - the fucking moron doesn't even realise the term refers to his hero's last name and so should be pronounced the same. What an idiot...
nottheonionon 03 Jun 15 (1pts):
What a moron. If you believe you need to carry an AR-15 to the airport for "safety" then you my friend, are paranoid as fuck and probably a coward.
Also, he wasn't harassed. He was constantly being...
AskRedditon 03 Jun 15 (1pts):
Well after watching the ten highest voted videos in this thread I have decided that my sense of humor is so different from most people's I should never attempt to post something to reddit that I...
TrueFilmon 03 Jun 15 (1pts):
I'd argue it represents destruction for its own sake, meaninglessness for the sake of meaninglessness. With that sort of interpretation could it be possible that the film is moving outside of the...
cringepicson 26 May 15 (1pts):
If I was ever going to randomly kill someone...I would try my hardest to make it this annoying fuck.
televisionon 11 May 15 (1pts):
No conviction, but she has told a story about having sex with a guy who was so drunk he could barely see her and was incoherent. I believe she was sober at the time. If you feel people who are black...Submissions:
ShadowBannedon 03 Jun 17 (1pts):
I thought people couldn't be shadow banned anymore?
askscienceon 05 Feb 14 (1pts):
Can amnesia affect sexual orientation?
2020.10.23 21:27 JariusPedro Show porn live sex
Ok 1st off If this is the wrong place for this I’m sorry I do not want to offend anyone! 2ndly This question is written in the form of MY OPINION. I in no way am trying to judge or convince people to see things my way! I understand everyone has their own point of view and I think that’s one of the coolest things about people! So please show me the same respect. I’m seeking an outsiders perspective on my personal brain teaser.
The situation: I’m a man of words and I like putting together words or phrases that feel more meaningful to me for my wife. Like saying “I’m so glad I married you” instead of “I love you” Note: not that I have anything against the usual sentences I just like using my vocabulary to express how much my wife means to me. Now I know I’m gonna catch some flack from people and it’s whatever I’m comfortable enough in my 30’s that I can live with their comments/roasts but seriously I have hit like a writer’s block sort of thing with this one. I’m a romantic at heart so I like the term “Making Love” over “Having Sex” But I cannot seem to find a way to polish BJ terminology. So I’m reaching out for some ideas. I don’t want to put to many restrictions on everyone’s creativity but just to help reduce some commitments there’s 3 Things I don’t want
#1 Cuss Words
I personally don’t use them so please don’t suggest them!
#2 Porn Phrases
If you heard it in a porn video don’t post it unless you really feel it applies to romantic!
Humiliation is a Turn Off for my wife so nothing of that sort will do anything for her.
PS: Just to be clear I’m not trying to swoon my wife into oral. She is very much into me in that way and uses the common phrases like “Suck Your Dick” or “Blow Job” quiet frequently Im just trying to find ideas to add some variety.
Thank You 🙏
submitted by JariusPedro to sexover30 [link] [comments]
2020.10.23 10:42 SpicyRicePhotography Live sex porn show
TLDR: Watch the video
So where do I begin.... I started this journey about 3 months ago when I first got on to VRChat as a desktop user. I am an adult film star who is also a gamer (WoW, CSGO, Darksouls, LoL, Hunt, PUBG, you name it). The first thing I did when I got into Vrchat was get invited to a strip club. As a person who, eh hem, fucks for a living, I was supprised how erotic and exciting the vr lap dance was for me. The next day I bought an Index and started seeking out to expand my adult videos. Thus began Virtual Sex Fantasy, now the number one VRChat porn channel on pornhub.
However, because of my profession and ability, a lot of doors were opened for me in the "underbelly" of the game. I began gettign in the "closed room" events and sex clubs (based primarily in discord). This is when a dark truth began to form before me: Kids are getting molested and groomed in this game by the thousands, and no one seems to care.
These massive discords are 15,000+ members strong and TOTALLY devoted to VRChat sex life (BDSM, lap dances, strip clubs) The devs/mods know about these discords and quietly look the other way. Even attend some events when famous people like projekt melody show up. They tell the clubs to keep their activities in private rooms and NEVER NEVER upload any videos of the NSFW nature.
But in order to get into these events on the basic level....you only need to add the discord from like (discord.me) or have someone invite you... and then just friend the person making the private room and ask to be invited..... that's it......
Whats more is that the owners of these clubs make money of their "girls" from patreon supporters and yet do not have an age verification process like pornhub. which means they are constantly being caught with underage (simulated) sex workers. On the steam page this game is made out to be some plucky fun goofball chat room where people play shooty games and Lolithon has goofy fun with the bois. But anyone who has spent more than a few hours in the game knows... this game is not for kids
And yet the game is marketed to 13 year olds. a game where sex is literally in 90% of the avatars uploaded. Dicks/vaginas/tits... you name it.
But the real scary part is... the child groomers and pedophiles have NO restrictions or moderation. because you see, the devs are DESPERATE to keep silent what this game has become because of HTC, VIVE, and other investors. These companies pumped in $10,000,000 dollars into VRChat (afterall, it's a free game) and yet, these companies stated they will NEVER partner with 18+ games or businesses. Therefore, VRChat devs had a pickle on their hands: address the problem and potentially lose their sponsorships, or sweep the MASSIVE problem of child grooming under the carpet.
You see, since my channel skyrocketed in success, I was targeted by the devs (now 7 times) for a lifetime ban. Everything I do (NSFW) is in a private world, every single one of my models is background checked/verified BY pornhub, and I only upload to adult websites.
The reason: Because I show the world what this "game" REALLY is.
This game NEEDS moderation desperately and it CANNOT WAIT. kids are getting fucked up very seriously. As VR is an experience that affects us on a SUBCONSCIOUS level. 13 year old girls getting groomed and molested ("in private rooms" says the devs) by 30-40 year old men. The men gettign the girls, and boys, to simulate blowjobs or bend over and pretend to be having sex. this is not ok for kids... It WILL fuck them up for life. VR is a kind of experience that we actually know very little about. But I can say it is VERY much not like anything we have experienced before. Remember, I am a pornstar and even I can "feel" VERY erotic things in this "game"
I have been downvote spammed, blocked, banned, death threats send, you name it on the daily. because a lot of these ERP discords are TERRIFIED I will disrupt their way of life. But kids are getting hurt, we need to address this issue. And the criminal level that the devs have ACTIVELY fought against people shedding light on this will land them in prison I suspect, as an Organization that works with the FBI contacted me last week wanting me to explain them the situation as they saw my post on twitter.
submitted by SpicyRicePhotography to VRchat [link] [comments]
2020.10.23 06:56 frogstar42 I'm 57 and suddenly my life makes sense.
I am emotionally torn. I'm happy and relieved to discover a sexuality and understand why I've been this way my whole life without knowing. I'm relieved to understand it's not just me and I'm not just weird, but I'm also a little bit upset that I didn't get to have good sex before I realized. Giggle
When I was 27 someone told me about attention deficit disorder and it blew my mind. I instantly rewrote my entire life history up to that moment and I was no longer a stupid kid incapable of completing projects. My failures had an answer.
I'm 57 now and only just discovering that asexuality is a thing. It's okay to not want sex. The new challenge now, is trying to figure out whether I tell people. Of experimented with some friends, but coming out as not liking sex or not wanting sex may be harder than coming out as any of the other letters in the sexual spectrum. It seems that even the gay community doesn't want to accept the concept of not being sexually attracted or having sexual desires or wanting to have sex
If I came out as gay all my friends would say they knew all along. It's not normal to not have sex or a girlfriend your entire life. But coming out is asexual, seems harder. People want to convince me that it's not the case. They want to convince me that I just don't know. I should try.
Conversation is very tiring. when I first learned that asexuality was a possibility, again, I rewrote my entire life history in my mind and things made sense. From my early days in high school as one by one my friends got girlfriends started talking about their desires. they started watching porn and talking about how hot that woman is or that woman is and I hadn't by that time even decided whether I liked men or women. I liked people I made friends with everyone.
It wasn't till I was about 27 that I started to find women more attractive and enjoyed watching a certain type of porn with oiled breasts and less sex. in Canada we had what's called baby Blue porn which was light pornography with romance and touch and hugging but the sex scenes showed no nudity to your vagina.
My whole life I have not been interested in the sex scenes on TV or magazines or porn. When the couple would go to bed on the TV show I pull out my phone or go to the kitchen. I had no interest in watching that stuff. I thought I was weird.
I could be best friends with anyone and would have fantastic first dates, but could never make the transition to putting my hand on her shoulder or moving towards a sexual position of the sort so I ended up not dating much and just making lots of friends and joining activities. Star Trek conventions, although mocked for it, have lots of people not necessarily interested in sex.
Not that I know it's an actual thing, it has changed my life and given me a different type of confidence. If I want to date I can bring a sexually up as a topic and still enjoy all the other aspects without being terrified of the sex part. I may choose not to still, but the option has changed for me. It's a huge deal even if I don't tell people.
I am Todd, from BoJack horseman. A fascinating character with lots of hobbies but no interest in fucking. I haven't yet decided whether I lack the romantic desire as well because I've lived my life pretty much without testing that aspect I can be romantic but it comes across more like a calculated attempt. I live for smiles and making other people happy. I might be mistaking that for romantic love.
I would love to be able to say it and have people accept it, so that I can use it in my humor. I like to make jokes about not being sexual because I like making jokes but if people think I'm just being celibate or afraid or have a small dick it's going to be tough uphill battle I suspect especially at 57.
I look forward to reading other stories and experiences from this group and I'm open to replies and questions.
submitted by frogstar42 to Asexual [link] [comments]
2020.10.23 02:52 popcornbits Live sex porn show
Hello! Please remove this post if this is not allowed, but please help me out if it is.
I've always had a very difficult time giving myself a label. I realize that labels are only meant to be used as a voluntary tool to help one feel more comfortable with oneself, but it is definitely a tool I've wanted to use for a long time. The first sexuality I took on was pansexual because I never cared what gender identity or genitalia a person had, if I loved them enough I would be attracted to them. I used to be very sexually promiscuous but never enjoyed sex that much. I thought maybe it was because I just had bad taste in partners, but I am starting to think otherwise. Here are some things about me that either coincide or contradict with demisexuality:
2020.10.22 21:04 beingbetterdude Live porn sex show
I’ve been active on this sub for a few weeks this spring/summer, I shared my experience on my way to recovery from : - porn - cyber sex (and so, online cheating)
I decided to try something because I couldn’t really control myself anymore. I felt so horny all the time, I masturbated between 2 to 4 times each day, sometimes paying for online services. I used to be so ashamed of myself, I destroyed devices, I destroyed a phone, but somehow I always craved my daily dose of naked women... and I managed to find porn. Every time.
I don’t really remember how it all started, everything was perfectly balanced and I ended up cumming « for » random online girls without telling my gf that I deeply love. I told her about it later and I believe this was the true first day of my recovery. She’s been supportive, but she lives far away from me (about a 800 miles)
I’ve been really struggling since the beginning of 2019, I spent the year making concession, limiting my porn consumption, trying not to pay to often on camsites or onlyfans.
In 2020 I deleted all those accounts, but still looked at mild stuff and reading erotic things. Someday I looked at myself in the mirror and I understood I had to change my whole approach, I had to get rid of my bad habits : smoking, drinking, pmo
Not easy, I started to stop smoking and drinking, I actually was on the right mindset so it was easy. But porn. Porn that was difficult. This is a tricky one.
I knew it wasn’t good for me, my couple. But I kept doing it all over again. For a while I managed to stay away from it (when I was the most active here). But this summer I almost went back to caming, I almost cheated myself and my gf again. But I didn’t and almost cried, overwhelmed by my feelings. I still got in touch with girls but only via reddit chat (no pic or video sharing just dirty talking). That does the trick but yet again, I used this as a substitute to porn. The « horny » feeling was still the same than in 2019, I automatically grabbed my phone and watch stuff or talked to girls from dedicated subreddits.
The truth is, I didn’t solve my problem doing this and I tortured myself by not allowing me to watch videos or webcams. And I kept doing it all over again...
Until two weeks ago. I was at my parents house for the week end ( that doesn’t happen often these days) and like always, I planned to masturbate Sunday morning (I always do). But Sunday morning, I downloaded reddit app, seeking mild stuff or a chat with a girl but I ended up on semenretention (I don’t even know how). I don’t believe in the « superpowers » or bs they tell there but I read interesting things. It helped me understand the last piece of the puzzle : I didn’t need to masturbate or to watch anything that Sunday, there was nothing good to expect, there is nothing fulfilling about masturbating in front of lit pixels. I mean I already knew that but It felt like I understood at that very moment, in my bedroom with my dong in my hand.
Si i wondered, what if ? What if you started to truly commit to the advices you give ? How come you are so smart and clever and you can’t even control yourself ? Why do you think your horniness is a demon you have to fight ? Maybe it is just something you can tame, you can live with, you can accept.
Just stop feeding the addiction, it’ll slowly be weaker. That was the advice I told to people here, but somehow I never really respected it for myself. The most important thing is : what do I think about that particular thing ? I grabbed my pants and started my day without masturbating. Actually, I didn’t masturbate for 3 or 4 days. It was the first time in YEARS that happened. And oh boi that made me proud of myself. But the next Thursday, I felt horny again, not horny like the previous days but horny like I was about to lose control. And home alone. But I looked at myself in the mirror and told loud and clear « oh no you don’t » and I didn’t. I masturbated thinking about nothing later that night before Going to bed. I slept like never before. I felt free.
It’s only been 2 weeks but I only masturbated 2 times (with my eyes clothed) and it felt awesome. Not dirty as it used to. Something definitely changed. And I accept that porn is over for me, I know that I won’t enjoy it anymore (I le stay careful obviously)
So here is a useful list of things I learnt the past two years for you :