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WKUK:
THE BUCKERSON & MEYERS SAGA

CHAPTER ONE:
THE CAVE OF KLARG (or) WIZARD OF ARMBARS

The Characters:
A High-Elf Wizard named Futt Buckerson
A Barbarian by the name of Bobo Wilcox
A Halfling named Hyphen Potamus VII

CITY OF NEVERWINTER
A wide shot of the city slowly panning with nice scenic music.
CUT TO: POV Cam as we track at a nice brisk pace through some crowds in the City, and come upon a Tavern. The tracking shot is travelling at chest-level to the average person in town, so we are looking up at a lower angle rather than looking down at anyone.
EXT. TAVERN - DAY
The sign out front reads "DRIFTWOOD TAVERN" as we track up to the door, open it, and go inside.
INT. DRIFTWOOD TAVERN
POV continues as we go through the Tavern and the long tracking shot finally comes to rest in front of a table in the corner with three characters sitting and drinking. They are not talking with each other, instead it appears that they had been waiting to meet this person that now stands in front of them. One of them is dressed in a stereotypical cartoon wizard outfit, complete with pointy hat, which partially covers the wizard's pointy ears. The human closest to the wizard is dressed in furs and has a large battle axe with him. Sitting furthest away from the other two is a much smaller guy wearing a cloak with a hood partially covering his face, he is equipped with a bow and arrows. The three men look to the Camera:
CUT TO the table's POV: A DWARF is standing before them.
GUNDREN:
I trust you three are here about the job I listed on the notice board?
FUTT:
Yeah, you just need us to bring a wagonload of provisions to some shitty little village.
GUNDREN:
I need you to haul the equipment over to the settlement of Phandalin. It's a rough and tumble---
The Halfling at the table interrupts the Dwarf.
HYPHEN POTAMUS VII:
We already read your notice, Gunchkin. We know where to take the damn wagon.
GUNDREN:
It's Gundren. I will be hiring you all together. Do you three know each other?
HYPHEN:
(Motions to the wizard and the barbarian)
I think those two are friends. I am no one's friend! I am just here for the job.
GUNDREN:
Well I'd like to know who I'm hiring. What are your names?
HYPHEN:
My name is Hyphen Potamus Seven.
FUTT:
Do we have to remember your name?
HYPHEN:
Yes! Hyphen... Potamus... Seven! It's not that hard!
The Barbarian at the table speaks.
BOBO:
Bobo Wilcox.
HYPHEN POTAMUS VII starts laughing hysterically.
BOBO:
What?
HYPHEN:
I don't know. Your name just sounds so funny to me.
FUTT:
I'm Futt Buckerson.
HYPHEN:
Butt Fuckerson?
FUTT:
No. That's not my name. That was my father.
GUNDREN:
Pleasure to meet you all. The best way to Phandalin is to go down the High Road then get onto the Triboar Trail...
FUTT:
(Standing up as the other two men join him to leave the Tavern)
We got this, Gundry.
As the group of adventurers walk past GUNDREN to leave, we can hear BOBO muttering something to FUTT.
BOBO:
Wait, why would your last names be different?
Abruptly CUT to BLACK with "A DAY AND A HALF LATER" written across the screen.
EXT. TRIBOAR TRAIL - DAY
FUTT, BOBO, and HYPHEN are travelling up the trail with the wagon. As they come around a bend, they spot something blocking the road up ahead. As they get nearer to the blockage, we can slowly make out what it is. Two dead horses are sprawled out in the middle of the road.
FUTT:
Hey Bobo, I think what we should do...
BOBO:
Yes?
FUTT:
Is we should arrange the horses so it looks like one is fucking the other on the side of the road, to give the travelers a little bit of a laugh as they're going by. To kind of make their day brighter.
HYPHEN POTAMUS VII overhears the conversation and jumps in.
HYPHEN:
Okay, I know I haven't said a word to you guys this entire trip, but I just have to say...
BOBO and FUTT turn to HYPHEN to hear what he's about to say.
HYPHEN:
That's hilarious. You guys seem pretty chill.
FUTT: So are we friends now?
HYPHEN:
Yeah! That was a really good idea!
HYPHEN enthusiastically helps BOBO and FUTT as they try and move the dead horses off the road, but his Halfling strength is not much help in the effort. One of BOBO's hands sinks into a decaying wound in the side of one horse, maggots spill out all over his forearm. FUTT has got one horse's butt propped up enough for BOBO to drop the other dead horse on top. HYPHEN grabs the penis of the top horse, and manages to shove it into the butthole of the bottom horse.
BOBO backs away after dropping the one dead horse, and then notices that HYPHEN is continuously pulling the dead horse-cock in and out of the other dead horse's ass.
BOBO:
I don't want to be classist here... but, come on... aren't we better than this?
FUTT and HYPHEN are totally into the dead horse fucking. HYPHEN is in the middle of jamming the horse cock back into the butthole when he and FUTT turn to BOBO.
HYPHEN and FUTT:
(Simultaneously)
What do you mean?
While FUTT and HYPHEN continue messing with the dead horses, a pair of Goblins can be seen sneaking out of the woods and creeping up toward the party of travelers.
It looks like the Goblins are preparing to attack, but then they get close enough to see what FUTT and HYPHEN are doing with the horses. The Goblins burst out laughing, giving away their position. A Goblin Archer comes out from behind a tree with his bow down, also laughing.
HYPHEN draws a dagger and prepares to attack.
FUTT sees this and quickly says to HYPHEN.
FUTT:
Wait. Before we kill them... if they think we're so funny, maybe they can take us back to their goblin village, and like, maybe we can do a residency.
BOBO:
Time out! I thought we were on a mission to deliver this equipment to Phandalin. I didn't know we were trying to be edgy sketch comedians.
HYPHEN:
I'm with Bobo on this one. I don't want to do sketch comedy for goblins. I'd rather...
While the Goblins are still laughing, HYPHEN quickly grabs one Goblin by the throat with one hand, while stabbing his dagger into the other Goblin's neck with his other hand. Then he rips out the Goblin's throat with his bare hand.
BOBO the barbarian steps in with his huge battle axe and chops the throatless Goblin in half through his torso.
BOBO:
Cleave me alone, bitch!
Green blood is gushing everywhere. Out of the chopped Goblin's two halves, and spurting out of the other Goblin's neck from where he was stabbed. The Goblin Archer is horrified and backing away from the gruesome scene. FUTT sneaks up behind him and gets him in a sleeper hold.
FUTT:
I'm so sorry my friends didn't want to perform for you.
(Continuing to choke out the Goblin)
I think this was all unnecessary.
The Goblin loses consciousness in FUTT's arms. FUTT gently lays the Goblin on the ground. Searching the Goblin he just put to sleep, FUTT finds a map and shows BOBO and HYPHEN. The map shows a small trail going off to the side of the main trail.
HYPHEN:
Ooh, a map to their hideout! I think we should go there!
FUTT:
I think we could just keep doing what we were doing...
BOBO:
I think these goblins were trying to jump us. We have the map to their hideout. Let's go check out their hideout. If they're doing bad stuff like this... we should stop them.
HYPHEN:
Or Futt, if you want to just take the cart to its lawful destination, Bobo and I will go fuck these goblins up.
FUTT:
Okay, but take these black mirrors. I need a way to contact you.
FUTT gives them cell phones and continues down Triboar Trail with the wagon of supplies. BOBO and HYPHEN take the map and head out in search of the trail to the Goblin Hideout.
EXT. PHANDALIN - DAY
FUTT delivers the supply wagon to ELMAR BARTHEN.
FUTT:
Are you Elmer?
ELMAR has a worker of his go check the inside of the wagon. The worker comes out and gives a nod of approval to ELMAR, who then hands FUTT six pouches of gold pieces.
ELMAR:
Here's what was agreed upon.
FUTT:
Is there a tavern in this town?
INT - SLEEPING GIANT TAVERN - DAY
FUTT enters the Tavern and walks up to the bar. The only other patrons at the Tavern are all wearing dirty red cloaks and are eyeballing FUTT. The BartendeOwner is a grumpy looking female Dwarf. Her name is GRISTA. FUTT just lingers at the bar without saying anything.
GRISTA:
Well, what are you having?
FUTT: You guys ever do comedy shows here?
GRISTA:
No. We don't do that shit here. We don't really believe in comedy. And even if we did, you don't look like you'd be a good match for our clientele's idea of humor.
A big grayish-green hand slaps down onto the wizard's shoulder, and spins him around. FUTT is now face to face with a big bald HALF-ORC.
HALF-ORC:
Oh, you're a comedian huh? Tell me a joke!
FUTT:
Well, uh... this is just something I was working on earlier today... I found a dead horse, I found two dead horses... and I made them look like they were butt fucking each other.
The HALF-ORC bursts out laughing.
HALF-ORC:
That's the funniest shit I ever heard! Can I see it?
FUTT:
Yeah. Do you know of another tavern that'll do shows? We could form a comedy duo.
HALF-ORC:
Yeah, sure. We can check the next town over. There might be a tavern in Riverbend.
FUTT takes out his black mirror (cell phone) and speaks into it.
FUTT:
Hey guys, I met this cool dude... (turns to the HALF-ORC) What's your name?
HALF-ORC:
Gregg.
FUTT:
(Back into the black mirror)
I met this cool dude named Gregg. We're gonna go to a different town. We think there might be a tavern there that'll let us do shows. If you want to, like, ever come to Riverbend...
EXT. FOREST TRAIL - DAY
BOBO and HYPHEN POTAMUS VII are on a tiny thickly wooded trail looking at the black mirror HYPHEN is holding. FUTT's voice continues through the black mirror (smart phone).
FUTT:
Ummm... anyway.
HYPHEN looks at BOBO with a "meh" expression and puts away the black mirror dismissively.
They walk a little further down the heavily wooded trail and immediately come to a thicket.
Behind the thicket, the Goblin Hideout is vaguely visible through all the growth.
BOBO and HYPHEN get into the brush and head towards the Goblin Hideout.
The black mirror in HYPHEN's pocket makes a little noise.
HYPHEN takes out the black mirror and looks at it.
There are words written on the screen:
HEY, R U GUYS COOL?
SHOULD I COME BACK?
HYPHEN texts back while looking irritated:
SURE... IF YOU WANT TO.
HYPHEN puts the phone back into his pocket.
BOBO's black mirror immediately starts ringing. BOBO touches the screen to answer.
FUTT's voice comes out through the device:
FUTT:
Okay, I texted you guys to see if I should come back and Hyphen Potamus Seven just wrote 'Sure, if you want.' Is he mad?
BOBO:
I really think he's indifferent.
FUTT:
So it's cool if I keep trying to do this comedy thing, or should I---
BOBO:
Yeah, it's fine. We don't care.
FUTT:
Alright. I'll call you tomorrow.
BOBO: Sure. Or don't.
BOBO hangs up on FUTT and continues walking through the thicket.
HYPHEN:
What was his deal? What did he want?
BOBO: He wanted to know if you were upset.
HYPHEN:
Is he like really sensitive? It's like, dude, I just met that guy like this morning. Why is he all butt-hurt about maybe I'm--- like why would I be upset? I said "yeah, if you want" like---
BOBO's black mirror starts ringing again.
HYPHEN:
Is that him again?
BOBO takes out the device and presses the screen and FUTT's voice comes out of it again.
FUTT:
Hey Bobo, if... if you would, don't tell Hyphen what we talked about.
BOBO:
I'm sorry, Futt, but I already did.
There's an awkward silence for a couple seconds, then:
FUTT:
Whatever.
There's a click as FUTT hangs up.
HYPHEN:
What was that? What was that?
BOBO: He was telling me not to tell you what we talked about.
HYPHEN: What? Why!
BOBO: Because he's sensitive!
HYPHEN: He's the weirdest wizard I have ever met in my life!
BOBO:
Yeah, did you see how he didn't use magic, and he put that one guy in an arm bar?
HYPHEN:
And he was like, apologizing as he was putting him in an arm bar.
BOBO and HYPHEN walk out into the other side of the thicket and several Goblins are already approaching from a nearby cave. The Barbarian and the Halfling walk by the Goblin cave totally oblivious while having their loud conversation. A couple of the Goblins are creeping up pretty close to them, and BOBO finally takes notice.
BOBO:
Let me axe you this!
BOBO swings his great-axe at the Goblin that was trying to sneak up on him. The blade sinks so deep into the Goblin's upper arm, it cuts entirely through and lodges into the Goblin's ribcage. The arm below the axe-blade falls loose, and the Goblin falls back on the ground, gushing blood from his arm stump and side wound. BOBO grabs another Goblin by the face, and squeezes his thumbs into the Goblin's eye-sockets. The Goblin screams in pain as his eyeballs are punctured, falling backward. BOBO kneels down on the Goblin's chest, and continues squeezing with all his might, mutilating the Goblin's face as much as possible.
HYPHEN:
Aren't you gonna say a cool catchphrase as you do that?
CUT to BOBO's face looking determined as he's crushing the Goblin's face with his bare hands.
BOBO:
I have a crush on you!
There's a sickening crunch! and a spatter of blood hits BOBO's face.
The two other Goblins that were trying to sneak up on them run from the fight.
BOBO stands up off the dead mash-faced Goblin.
HYPHEN:
Bobo! Should we arrange these goblins in a funny sex-thing? So we can get our wizard friend to come visit us, and he'll be impressed.
HYPHEN goes to one of the corpses and looks down at it.
HYPHEN:
Hmm, we could probably put these goblins in a pretty funny arrangement...
(looks up at BOBO)
But that wizard would probably put them in a really funny arrangement!
BOBO:
Not my thing.
HYPHEN:
Let's call him!
BOBO:
You can arrange them. I'm gonna check out their cave.
BOBO grabs his great-axe out of the one-armed dead Goblin, and cautiously heads toward the Goblin Cave.
HYPHEN rolls the faceless Goblin over to the other Goblin, then arranges it so the Goblins are facing each other's crotches, commonly referred to as a 69 position. HYPHEN even takes the faceless Goblin's green bulbous cock, and shoves it into the other Goblin's mouth.
HYPHEN grabs the one-armed Goblin's cock, and shoves it into the mush that used to be the other Goblin's face.
EXT. GOBLIN CAVE - DAY
BOBO is against the cave wall, sliding closer and closer toward the entrance as quietly as he can. BOBO's black mirror starts ringing loudly. BOBO presses on it and FUTT's face appears on the screen.
FUTT:
Hey, so I'm just letting you guys know, Gregg and I found this hotel, it's not very expensive. They've got like a pool-roof type thing and there's like a lot of cool Orc girls here and stuff, and anyway, Gregg thinks he knows of, like, a tavern that might, like, let us do a show if we want. So we're gonna check it out tomorrow. But we're just hanging out on the roof, we got a bunch of grog, and like, coke, and um, that's what we're doing, so... (trails off)
HYPHEN joins BOBO by the Cave Entrance.
HYPHEN:
Who is it? Is it him again?
BOBO:
Futt. Yeah, it's Futt. He's the only other person we know who has one of these, so who do you think it is?
HYPHEN: What does he want?
BOBO:
He's at a rooftop party with some Orc girls and cocaine.
FUTT:
It's not, like, a party. And we're not sure if the girls are gonna come up, but like we, we, we uh... Gregg talked to them in the hall.
BOBO:
So there are girls at the hotel, but they're not actually---
HYPHEN:
He's doing cocaine alone?
BOBO: No, with Gregg, who I have not met.
HYPHEN:
Why is he calling and telling us that he's doing cocaine with Gregg? What is his deal?
BOBO hangs up on FUTT and puts his black mirror away.
EXT. HOTEL ROOF - DUSK
GREGG comes up to the roof. There are two ORC GIRLS following behind him.
MONTAGE - FUTT and GREGG drinking grog and doing cocaine with the ORC GIRLS. GREGG chatting it up with ORC GIRL 1, both really into it. FUTT is with ORC GIRL 2, and she's just talking at him rapidly, while he looks very uninterested. ORC GIRL 1 whispers in GREGG's ear, and they both exit the Roof and go downstairs.
INT. HOTEL ROOM - DUSK
GREGG and ORC GIRL 1 are sitting on the bed. ORC GIRL 1 gives GREGG a hand job. GREGG lays her down with him and tries to get on top of her. ORC GIRL 1 quickly sits back up on the bed, and GREGG gives her a 'what the fuck' expression. She grabs his dick again.
ORC GIRL 1:
I can keep doing this for you, but I don't want to go all the way just yet.
EXT. ROOF - DUSK
ORC GIRL 2 keeps blathering at FUTT.
Suddenly a loud commotion can be heard coming from downstairs. Yelling and thudding and smashing. It sounds as if the room downstairs is being thrashed apart. FUTT and ORC GIRL 2 both take notice of the noises coming from below. FUTT excuses himself, walks away from the ORC GIRL, and takes out his black mirror.
INT. CAVE - DUSK
BOBO and HYPHEN are inside the Goblin Cave with the exit still visible behind them.
BOBO and HYPHEN start to head down a steep passageway. BOBO's black mirror starts to ring. BOBO presses on it once, and FUTT's face comes up, then BOBO immediately presses it again. FUTT's face disappears and the screen goes dark. BOBO puts the black mirror away.
HYPHEN:
Is this normal for him?
BOBO:
Afraid so. He is the neediest guy.
An echoed voice suddenly shouts from down the passageway:
VOICE:
Who's up there? Help me!
HYPHEN:
(Shouting back)
Shut up!
The "Shut up!" echoes really loud down the passageway.
As it fades out, the sounds of several running feet can now be heard echoing up the corridor.
As BOBO and HYPHEN stand staring into the passageway, they see six Goblins running up towards them, all wielding scimitars.
BOBO takes out a javelin and raises it. BOBO waits with the javelin raised, the Goblins are still too far down the passageway for him to get an accurate throw.
HYPHEN turns and runs right past BOBO and towards the Cave's exit.
BOBO immediately turns and runs after HYPHEN to exit the Cave.
HYPHEN: I thought you were going to throw your javelin!
BOBO: Well, I was going to, but then you took off! I can't take all these guys on, by myself!
The Goblins continue to chase BOBO and HYPHEN out of the Cave.
EXT. MOUTH OF CAVE - DUSK
HYPHEN runs just out of the Cave, stops, turns around, and shoots an arrow back into the Cave.
As BOBO is running out of the Cave, the arrow whizzes right past his head, nearly hitting him.
BOBO: What the fuck!
HYPHEN: Sorry, I was trying to hit a goblin.
BOBO narrows his eyes.
BOBO: I don't believe you.
HYPHEN: Fuck you!
HYPHEN runs further away from the Cave.
BOBO tries to run after him, but trips and falls.
Two of the Goblins run out of the Cave and one of them hurls their scimitar at HYPHEN.
The handle-end of the scimitar hits HYPHEN in the back of the head.
HYPHEN falls to the ground, unconscious.
One of the Goblins tries to chop down on the fallen BOBO with his scimitar, but BOBO rolls out of the way just in time and then swings his great-axe up at the Goblin. The axe-blade chops into the Goblin's forehead, taking off a chunk of the Goblin's scalp. The other Goblin, who already threw his scimitar, cowers back into the Cave with the other 4 Goblins, who had stopped giving chase once they got to the Cave's mouth.
BOBO gets up and looks down at the Goblin he just scalped. The front of its head has a chunk missing, exposing the Goblin's brain. Blood is pouring out, and the Goblin isn't moving.
BOBO looks over to unconscious HYPHEN, then back to the Goblin, then back to HYPHEN.
BOBO smiles, looking rather excited.
INT. HOTEL BAR
FUTT approaches the bar. There's a human BARTENDER behind the bar, and next to him is a huge furry creature with the head of an owl and the body of a bear. An OWLBEAR, if you will.
FUTT: Hey, there's a lot of noise going on in my comedy partner's room. I think he's attacking a lady. Can you do something about it?
BARTENDER:
I'll send Fifi up there to check it out.
The BARTENDER turns to his pet OWLBEAR.
FUTT:
No, I got it, I got it. Never mind.
BARTENDER:
You sure?
FUTT:
That seems weird. I'll just... I'll go. I know the guy. I'll go.
BARTENDER:
If there is a problem, Fifi will definitely handle it.
FUTT: I don't want to get involved with an Owlbear. I'll just go do it.
INT. HOTEL HALLWAY
FUTT goes up to the door where all the fighting noises are coming from.
FUTT knocks on the door and the noise pauses for a moment, then a fast scramble to the door can be heard coming from within. The door flies open, and GREGG is standing there, panting and sweating, holding a machete in his hand.
GREGG: Oh. Hey. What's up bro?
FUTT:
(Trying to look behind GREGG)
What's going on? What are you doing?
CUT back to GREGG and behind him we can see the ORC GIRL on the bed, looking bloodied and bruised and unconscious.
GREGG:
We were just... hanging out.
FUTT: Is everything cool? Because it sounded loud. Everyone could hear you upstairs, so I just came by to make sure everything's fine.
GREGG: Everything's fine.
Behind GREGG, the ORC GIRL rises slowly off the bed, picks up a Battle-Axe from off the floor, sneaks up behind GREGG, raises the Battle-Axe in the air, then slams it down on GREGG.
The Axe blade hits the top of GREGG's head, and GREGG crumples to the floor.
FUTT looks down at GREGG. Blood is pouring out from his gaping head wound.
FUTT:
So... I think this is pretty much taken care of.
GREGG reaches out his hand and paws weakly at FUTT's foot as if to say "help me..."
The ORC GIRL raises the Battle-Axe again, ready to finish GREGG off.
FUTT raises up his hand.
FUTT:
Wait. Don't kill him. I have some questions first.
INT. HOTEL ROOM
GREGG is tied to a chair with lots of rope. FUTT is securing what looks to be the final knot.
The ORC GIRL sits on the bed while FUTT finishes the knot, walks around the chair, and looks down at GREGG's slumped over body. The top of his head is still gushing and blood is all over his face and shoulders.
FUTT:
So now I want to know what's really going on here.
GREGG is still slumped over in the chair, giving no type of response.
FUTT takes out a little knife and cuts off one of GREGG's thumbs.
GREGG stirs a little bit in the chair, letting out a weak groan.
ORC GIRL:
What'd you do that for?
FUTT:
So he knows I'm serious.
ORC GIRL:
But isn't he your friend?
FUTT: I want him to know I'm not joking around. I mean business. I need to get to the bottom of this.
ORC GIRL:
What's the mystery? We were doing blow, he got out of hand, he beat the shit out of me, and I hacked his head open. What else is there to figure out?
FUTT:
Don't you think it's convenient that I go to a bar, and I want to do a comedy show, and then this guy shows up behind me and he's like 'I could be in a comedy show!'
ORC GIRL:
He's on cocaine! This is what they do! Everyone's your friend, you want to start a band, you want to start some big project---
FUTT: Well I'm on cocaine too. We've been doing cocaine all night.
ORC GIRL:
So then your investigation is also a symptom of cocaine.
FUTT:
I don't know. I'm not... I'm not that high. I just... Something's rotten in Denmark here!
FUTT turns back to GREGG, who is now completely motionless in the chair.
FUTT: And I'm gonna figure it out!
FUTT slaps GREGG in the face. GREGG doesn't respond at all, still motionless. He's dead.
FUTT: Ah, shit. Well... back to the bar.
ORC GIRL:
Well hold on. If you really want to find out something, he does have some luggage over there.
There's a satchel in the corner of the room. FUTT goes over and takes it. He heads back over to the door, carrying the satchel. He's about to leave the room.
ORC GIRL:
You gonna look in it?
FUTT stops by the door, as if he forgot what he was supposed to be doing.
FUTT: Oh yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna do that now. Yeah.
FUTT drops the satchel to the floor, kneels down, and starts rifling through the contents.
FUTT: Oh, by the way, how are you? I was his friend. What's your name?
ORC GIRL: Peppermint Pissy.
FUTT: Hello, Peppermint Pissy, my name is Futt Buckerson. Do you want to be in a comedy group with me?
PEPPERMINT:
Yeah. It's something I've always dreamed of.
As FUTT investigates the luggage, he notices something is stitched to the side of the satchel:
PROPERTY OF KLARG
If found, please return to:
CRAGMAW CAVE
FUTT holds it up for PEPPERMINT PISSY to see.
FUTT: Can you believe this shit? It's not even his briefcase.
PEPPERMINT:
No.
FUTT takes out a cigarette, and puts it in his mouth.
FUTT: It's a different guy named Klarg's briefcase. This whole time, Gregg was a fucking thief.
FUTT lights the cigarette.
PEPPERMINT:
You know what I could do? I could do a magic spell that'll bring him back to life for a minute.
FUTT:
Fuck yeah. Do that. Do that.
PEPPERMINT PISSY lays one of her hands on top of GREGG's head, right over the axe-wound.
A pink glow emits from her palm, and the gaping wound miraculously closes up and scabs over.
GREGG abruptly opens his eyes and jolts awake in the chair. He looks down at his bloody hand.
GREGG: What the fuck, where's my thumb?
FUTT rubs the burning end of his cigarette right into GREGG's thumb-stump.
FUTT:
Why were you following me at the bar?
GREGG:
I don't have to tell you shit. I work for Klarg. Not you.
PEPPERMINT PISSY quickly steps in and sticks a dagger into GREGG's right ear.
GREGG's head flops to the side with the dagger still jammed into the side of his head.
It would appear GREGG is dead once again.
FUTT:
I only got to ask one question.
PEPPERMINT:
Oh yeah. Sorry.
PEPPERMINT places her palm over GREGG's head, and the pink glow shines on him again.
GREGG jerks back to life, with the dagger still buried in his ear, screaming and freaking out.
GREGG: We were just hired to get you all to the cave! Oh God! I'm sorry!
FUTT: How'd you know I was gonna be at that bar?
GREGG: I was told to follow you.
FUTT: Who told you to follow me?
GREGG: Klarg.
FUTT: Who's Klarg?
GREGG: Klarg is the goblin boss. He's the one who told me to---
FUTT: The guy on the briefcase? (Picks up the satchel and points at the stitched name on the side) This Klarg?
GREGG:
Yes! Wait, did you think-- When I said Klarg, and you saw Klarg on my satchel, you thought there was two different Klargs?
FUTT: I thought you said Clark.
Abruptly CUT TO BLACK with the words: TO BE CONTINUED...
END OF EPISODE ONE
submitted by ThadJaworsky to WKUK [link] [comments]


2020.10.21 01:01 WitchCulture Sex chat no cam

So I work for a security company and am contracted to be at a building where a different company works. It’s just me security wise and then an office with the other company in it. The manager is a gay male and I am a straight male, and after a while of working there I got a friend request on Facebook, and a follow on Instagram and then he asked for my Snapchat (which I gave to him fearing that if I didn’t I would face retaliation.)
The way things went were I would get messages on Facebook with a message that got unsent, followed by “lmao sorry hopefully that deleted lmao.” I didn’t see what was sent so I said that. He replied “oh good lmao.”
Then after not responding I got another message a day later with a message that got unsent again and another saying something out of the blue along the lines of “nah bro she’s wild lmao and getting crazy on here and I figured I’d share the wealth bro”
This was followed by “wtf Facebook I didn’t mean to send that to you I hate Facebook.” That was at 1am. Later in the day another saying seriously dude idk what’s up I meant to send that to my buddy not you lol. But the next day, I get ANOTHER message, saying “she’s on webcam right now if you wanna check it out etc etc you know I’m game and she’s wild.” And then “whoops sorry meant to send that to my buddy. But honestly whatever, this is between bros if you wanted to check it out I wouldn’t care.” I didn’t respond
This continues, so I will spare the actual dialogue, but I get hit up again with what’s up and I respond I’m chillin and he says same watching my friend on webcam she wants me to reach out to people I guess that’s her thing etc. then asks black and white if I want to watch and I say no. He says okay figured I’d ask. Then we exchange some pg rated memes and he send me one from a porn video. One of those “you’re so tight fuck” type memes. Then another meme relating to sexual conduct. I stopped replying.
I continued to get about 100 or so messages like “wyd, I got some stuff for you bro” etc “it’s a good day for a chill sesh” “yo” “what’s up” etc etc etc. atleast a hundred and I never respond. Constantly harassing me to watch porn or webcam videos or sending and I sending messages then saying my bad, you probably wouldn’t have minded it though. He had never sent any links so this was all just suggestive. But don’t worry it gets worse. That’s all just over Facebook. And from his direct profile. Not including the “private chat” he set up on Facebook messenger. That has since disappeared and I have all of this on a hard drive and I believe I have it all on there screenshot wise but everything was similar in subject matter.
Snapchat was short lived. He added me and sent me wyd you down to watch this video bro etc and I quickly unadded which I actually was confronted by him in person about. I made light of it. He would even sometimes message me from his desk asking me what’s up when we are literally 30 feet from eachother.
But Instagram is where it really went down. The messages were more frequent and more aggressive / direct. “She’s wild and sending me some shit, you want me to send it to you? She said I could share with friends and you’re super chill so I figured I’d share the wealth. Stays between bros.” Also asking me “when you get off work let me know if I can send you some shit” and one time I responded like oh my bad I didn’t respond I was showering and he said “I could’ve sent you some shit for the shower bro lol.”
But one day, I get a video. And it’s of him filming his laptop of a woman undressing on web cam. Then another of a woman touching her vagina and fingering herself on webcam. I screen recorded and then he unsent. Then shortly after asked if I liked it and what I thought and that she was a freak etc etc. another video here and there, more pressuring messages. Even one where he said “I saw you screenshotted bro I hope you liked it Atleast” And it doesn’t stop for weeks and I get multiple messages a day just on Instagram alone. Coming into work is so awkward but he acts like nothing is different. Has referenced sex multiple times at work and has done everything except for physically assault me sexually. I haven’t acted on anything legal wise because I like my job and it pays well and I can’t afford to be out of work. I haven’t contacted my HR because I don’t know what’s going to be done. I don’t want to be moved sites but more so would like to get something in return in the forms of paid time off or other monetary value. If that’s not an option I would atleast like justice so no one else has to go through this in the future if they aren’t already.
What are my options legally? What outcome do you think this might have and what can be done for me? What steps should I take? I’ve never had a lawyer or gone to court.
TLDR: my manager at work sends me messages asking if I “want to get in on this freaky stuff” which is a girl he knows on webcam. He messaged me inappropriate memes that were sexual, and messages me multiple times a day on several platforms. He eventually sent me a video of porn from his computer screen of his friend on cam. Basically taking my no thank you answer and throwing it out the window eventually making me virtually forced to watch sexual content. I don’t know what to do about it. I am male and so is he.
Edit: I live in the Portland metro area in Oregon
submitted by WitchCulture to legaladvice [link] [comments]


2020.10.20 00:14 gottaopenupagain I feel like I did a camgirl wrong, but also that nobody's really innocent here

First of all, I'm just gonna say: I'm aware that sex work calls for a degree of manipulation, and I've got nothing against that. So yes, I'm fully aware that perhaps I was being used, but recently, I've come to realize that maybe I was more to blame than I wanted to fully admit. Now for the context.
Last year, I was having a shitty July, and honestly, a shitty year as a whole. I'm not saying any of this to garner pity, just explaining everything in detail because I feel it warped my perception. The girl I had feelings for for 5 months and had told as such turned me down once we finally met earlier in the year, and I went spiraling down into my worst depression years, which ended with me violating her boundaries. Just when I was getting back on my feet, I found out my dog was diagnosed with cancer. That summer, I went searching for and found a good-paying job. I worked there for about a month, making good money, and around the same time, I was really looking into online dating again, only for that to completely flop, with everyone either turning out to be unstable or completely ghosting me for no valid reason that I could tell. Shortly after I gave up the online dating scene, I was laid off.
Then I started looking into camsite, and becoming close to one girl in particular. We chatted each other up a bit, realizing we had a lot in common, she followed my Instagram, we starting chatting on Whatsapp, and she even told me her real first name. She'd also asked if I wanted to date her and, well, I didn't exactly say no, but I didn't say yes, either. Later, I found her Facebook account kinda accidentally, and found out she was already dating a guy. Otherwise, we seemed to hit it off alright. Until it became an addiction. I kept sending tips. We had a few cam-to-cam sessions, and I was eventually broke, having lost almost all the money I made at my old job.
My anxiety started to kick in, especially since I would be moving into an apartment soon. I was kicking myself for being so impulsive, but I also kinda unloaded on her. Wrote some really lengthy messages telling her I'd be taking a break, really just trying to explain my reasoning and being honest without trying to come off as entirely blaming her. I feel like my loaded messages were a huge part of the problem, looking back. After that, things really started to sour between us. We'd frequently get into arguments, I'd just keep making myself look bad by sending her tips AFTER telling her I was broke, in part because I wanted to help her out (she kept giving reasons why she needed the tips, like family members being sick). But I also think I was kind of in denial about what it really was: an addiction. She wasn't the only one I'd send tips to after all had been said and done, either.
A bit later down the road, she asked me to send a tip to another camgirl she was friends with, since I wouldn't send any to her, and then later asked if I still had anything left over after that that I could send to her. Which I didn't, because I'd sent it to yet another girl. When I told her as such, she was pretty upset. She asked me to leave her chatroom, and I did, though she texted me shortly after and everything seemed to be alright again for the time being.
Things continued to be on and off between us. Sometimes she'd ask for tips (she told me it was a bad habit of hers), other times she would message me just to talk, still other times I would (accidentally) guilt trip her for my situation, digging myself deeper, and at one point, she messaged me to tell me she'd gotten a place on one of the site's contests. I didn't really know how to respond, since she wasn't ranking very high and I figured she wanted to be a bit higher up, but she later messaged me "u r rude".
Our final interaction was, once again, her asking me for tips. I asked how much she wanted. I was unable to respond right away, because I was at my mom's and didn't want her finding out about my ... habit that I'd picked up. She was pretty mad, took it as me ignoring her, and I later said I couldn't give her anything. That was pretty much the last straw for her, and she decided we'd never speak again, though she did send me one last message on the camsite, apologizing and saying she was thankful to me. And we haven't spoken since, except when I sent a semi-anonymous message apologizing for my moods and wishing her well.
I know she wasn't entirely innocent in this situation herself. Like, asking me for more tips after she'd told me she wouldn't? Asking if I had anything left over from the tip I sent her friend? Asking if I wanted to date her despite her having a boyfriend (I'm assuming she's not polyamorous)? That's all really rather suspicious. But now I realize that maybe I might have actually fucked up something perfectly good. Again, I am NOT naïve. I know that the entire purpose of sex work is for you to think with your dick (or your vagina, of course) so you can pay to get off, and that getting loyal tippers is even better. Believe it or not, I have nothing against that. But I do feel like MAYBE going the extra mile to ask for tips might have been a little too much, and that she probably told a few extra lies on top of the usual flirtatious banter. However, despite all that, I feel like there was something authentic about her. She very well might have actually liked me as a friend, given the nature of our interactions that weren't just about tips. The same is true for all sex workers. At the end of the day, they're no less human than you or I, and I really do feel like I definitely went overboard, too, even coming off as borderline abusive at times without really trying to. Without trying to sound like I'm justifying myself, I'm really normally not like that at all when I'm in a better place, and I hate that I allowed myself to get that bad. Wish I could give her a proper apology and closure, knowing what I know now.
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submitted by IdolA13Octl1 to u/IdolA13Octl1 [link] [comments]


2020.10.09 03:53 throwaway234908210 Me (20m) and my girlfriend (22F) I feel replaced even though I'm not being replaced

Hi there! For the entirety of this post, I'll be referring to my girlfriend as "P" for anonymity and for ease of typing.
The details:
I'm a 20 year old Australian male dating a 22 year old American female and we've been together for about 8 months. We're a polyamorous couple but I choose to not date anyone else but I'm okay with having sex with others and so is P. I currently have no other partner or sexual interest and P has me and one other who I'll call "S". S is a romantic and sexual interest of P's and they're currently getting close together. We're into BDSM and I'm a dominant, P's a submissive, and S is also dominant. P and I used to dabble slightly into lifestyle BDSM but that has changed as of recent. P and S met about 3 months ago S is also in a relationship of 4 months with someone else but they aren't relevant to this. I'm also good friends with S.
The issues:
About a month or two ago, I got drunk with P. We cammed a little, we chatted a little, and had a good time. However, I'm very quick to get emotional when I feel like I've annoyed or angered those I'm close too. I did something and it felt like I negatively affected P, so I got off mic and went to lay down, accidently breaking a window. We spoke about it the next day, I essentially abandoned P because I got drunk and was emotional. Ever since then, P's lost the ability to feel submissive around me due to her because she said: "I feel like without my intervention you will not take care of yourself physically." It is true that I tend to neglect self care, especially if I'm feeling bad. I've been getting a lot better with this and have been monitoring how I've been doing when drinking and do feel like I've gotten to the point where there's no need to worry about me any further but I don't know how to come to her about that.
P has been spending more time with S as of recent but I feel like I've been replaced. S can make P feel submissive and P doesn't feel worried that she's walking on egg shells with S. I used to be the person that P would speak to first thing of a morning, P and I weren't just partners, we were best friends as well. Every thing felt unforced and we always defaulted to being in vc with each other but now that default is with P and S. I know that they're just getting close together and that they're developing that trust with one another, but I cannot help but feel I'll be forgotten and abandoned, left being unwanted. S is wise and can actually help her with issues I've never been able to, S can make her feel submissive and do all these sexual things that I can't match, S is P's best friend and that hurt so much to hear. P has told me over and over that she does love me and that she isn't replacing me and I believe her. But why do I feel replaced even though I know I'm not? S just seems like a better me so why would anyone want to bother with the broken, old version of a phone when there's a perfect latest generation one right there? This in it's self ways so heavily on P as well. I've told her how I feel and it's obvious she doesn't wanna hurt me and is trying to hard. We love each other but why do I feel this way? I don't have resentment to anyone here and I talk to everyone here as much as possible.
Edit: She's also said I'm the one she wants to marry before all of this. I feel like I'm only ever a downside to her, an obstacle to being happy so my kneejerk to leave but I don't want that. I seem to be only hurting her now a days. She seems to happy when I'm not there
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2020.10.07 16:18 MansA7Octl Sex chat no cam

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2020.10.03 17:56 JulieJules19 Sex chat no cam

Heyy yall, so I've (21 F) been in a pretty great relation with my boyfriend (22 M) for a little over a year. I guess u cam say I'm bi. Prior to being with him I had a handful of experiences with some of my friends in middle and high school but honestly never thought much of it, I was just having fun. Anyways now I'm with my current boyfriend and things hojestly are great he's a great guy and I know some of you are guna bash me and say otherwise but I truly love him he's such a good soul. He treats me as well as u can possibly treat someone but our sex isn't necessarily BAD but I guess it isn't the greatest either. He makes me orgasm now and then but usually I have to end up pleasuring myself which is fine its whatever.
My issue is I constantly think and fantasize about girls. I've tried to sorta let him know this as in a perfect world he would let me have my cake and eat it too and let me experiment with women when I needed too. Id occasionally make a comment here n there about how good this girl or that girl looked but idk he made comments like he sort of frowned upon that lifestyle I guess u can say so I never pushed it further and kept my secret to myself. Id even asked once if he would ever want a thressome with me and another girl and he said he would not share me with someone else. I thought he would go for that for sure but he didn't.
Well maybe 6-7 months ago I made a profile on the Plenty Of Fish dating app (and didn't tell him) so I could meet women not in our friend circle etc. Initially I think I just wanted that good sex I missed from other women, nothing against u guys but im sorry no man can every turn me on or make me feel aa good as women do. I wouldn't say im lesbian as I do like men too and I wouldn't ever actually date or be in a relationship with a woman I just enjoy sex with woman and nothing more. So 2 days pass I get a couple messages here and there and then I start chatting with this older woman. We talked for a day back n forth and made plans to meet. She was basically wanting the same thing I did. I told my boyfriend I was going to my sisters for a girls night and me and this woman got a room for the night. Things were amazing im talking the best sex i have EVER had hands down not even close. We met at 6pm at the hotel and went all night until roughly 430am the next morning. I had more orgasms that night then I had the past year + with my boyfriend and didn't want to leave but I had to go get ready for work. I think this really started all this if my first experience had not been so mind blowing i don't think it would have ever gotten this bad idk.
I thought I would do this ans get it out of my system so to speak at least for awhile. But I get home the next night and have messages from more women on the dating app I start chatting with. I figured we'd just small talk a little no harm but let me tell u some of these women are BEAUTIFUL and idk what it is but near all the women I talk to or meet on here are super sexual even dirty like more then 99% of guys I've known, they all want sex and wsnt it fast! So they start talking sexual or say something that gets me going and I end up making plans. We usualy get a room even if its for an hour or 2 and go back to out normal lives.
Here's my problem. I've been doing this for maybe 6-7 months now and feel like I'll never be able to stop at this point. I've met sooo many different women, we meet we have sex and make each other feel good and no strings attached. I'm starting to feel guilty though I mean I kinda did all along but more so recently as I've been meeting maybe 3-4 sometimes 5 different woman weekly. If my boyfriend knew all this I know he would leave me and agaiin I truly do love him I just feel like I can not stop meeting these women we have so much fun when we do. I just honestly enjoy pleasing another woman and her pleasing me. I've kind even started questioning my self and my own beliefs as I was never the kind of girl to sleep around but some of the women I meet we will message back n forth for 5 mins and they'll ask if I wana meet and I say sure and 30 mins later im eating her out etc. I know this isnt safe knock on wood I've never had an STD or anything but I feel live its inevitable at the rate im going. I have NO feelings for these women its 100% strictly sex but I still feel guilty because of my bf.
It's taken a toll on sex with my bf as well. I think he's satisfied but im less and less satisfied by him sexually as the experiences im having with the girls cant even compare we've had hot steamy sex, oral (which no man can ever do like a woman does), strap-ons (some girls have fucked me for literally hours in every position u could imagine with big strap ons so u can imagine how this takes away from the 5 min sex i have with my average size boyfriend. However I do still love him to death its like I just need these women to satisy the sexual side of me and he gives me everything else.
Is this as bad as I think it is if I don't ever have feelings for these women? I figured id run out of women to meet at this point but you'd be surprised its an endless stream of women wanting to meet for sex to the point I would have never thought. Is it what he doesn't know cant hurt him? Anybody had a similar situation? If so what was the end result? I honestly don't know what to do at this point, part of me almost wants to stop and delete the app entirely but I don't want to stop on the other hand having the fun im having. Idk very conflicted honestly.
LTDR: I constantly have sex with random women and my BF doesn't know and wouldn't be happy. Advice?
submitted by JulieJules19 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]