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2020.10.16 05:05 Trubmanexec Pre-therapy purge/What is wrong with me?
There are things about my past and my upbringing I know play part in the struggles I have today. I don't know how I'll do having to say any of it sitting in front of a person face to face but I'd like to practice here. I'm ashamed of myself. and I've never been to a therapist because I have the fear they will judge me. I have the fear of seeing judgement and disgust on someone's face because I feel disgust so why wouldn't they? I'm sorry if you feel disgusted reading and also sorry if you are triggered I just want to be honest.
I grew up kind of alone. There were always people around me but it never felt like they really knew me or wanted to know me. I was always in the way or causing trouble and I guess it got to the point where I didn't feel like I could do anything right. I regularly heard growing up that I was too stupid or too ugly and it created a feeling of worthlessness in me. I looked around at a superficial world where the most beautiful is the best, and I was influenced by it. I've never found myself to be particularly attractive and that seems to be the consensus of the general population. Therefore I wasn't any good. Anybody who claimed to like me must have something wrong with them or just be lying. There's either a defect or an ulterior motive and that's how I grew up viewing the world.
I didn't trust anybody but I wanted to more than anything. I knew I was smart, and I knew I was friendly and funny and I knew I had much to offer but I wouldn't let anybody get close enough to see it. Because if I showed them the real me if they didn't like it I would be devastated. But if I showed them some front that "wasn't really me" if they didn't like it, it somehow couldn't hurt me. Misogyny became my slogan for a while but I always remember hoping even froma very young age to find my other half in life and be happy forever.
Part of the superficial world was hookups and you were only as cool as the hottest chick you could get with. Part of being a growing boy is discovering porno and I got acquainted with it way too young. Sex became my life. When I couldn't have sex porno was my life. When I wanted more than porno I lived in chat rooms. People weren't lining up to have sex with me and I didn't have much hope about it because of my attractiveness and I started paying for it. I would shop for the perfect girl and see who had the best bio and the best everything else and I would spend a lot of money. I liked to pretend that they were my girlfriend or a girl from online (someone I wasn't paying.) Sometimes I cried in the car on the way out and I saw it in my bank account but I never stopped going until I met my one.
She changed my life in every good way you can think of but I didn't give her that too. I ended up taking much away from her and making her regret me more than once probably more than 100 times. She's barely hanging on by a thread and that is what is moving me to therapy even though she asked me to already a lot over 3 years. She is more than everything I could have ever hoped for and losing her would be. I can't finish that sentence and I don't want these tears in front of a therapist so please give me advice on that. She doesn't know most of what I've done but what she does know she loves me anyway. I know nothing is wrong with her and I know she doesn't have an ulterior motive but I don't know why I can't make it work when we are believe me so perfect for each other. The things I'm keeping from her are creating chaos in an already chaotic setting (my mind) but I can't tell her.
She knows I have a wandering eye but she doesn't know how much. She found some chats logs that were pretty tame and I convinced her it was a from a fight but it wasn't. One time her friend was talking about cheating and my gf said that I didn't go any where except for work and home so she never had a chance to worry. It made me feel bad because I am not cheating but I go other places and she wouldn't be proud of things I do. I go to the gym and my workout is not in the forefront of my mind I am looking at the girls there as much as I can get without being caught a gym creep. I help my mom and I get excited thinking I will maybe run into her housekeeper. I masturbate at work to porno and just watch it a lot when she's not around me.
The worse things I flirted at work with a colleague/someone my gf will see and it makes me feel like a dog shit when I see that colleague ever since (I know it should.) I lied to her about a charge for a cam site on a statement I thought she would never be seeing. I got a fullblown crush on the lady I got coffee from every morning and I never mentioned my gf I led her to think I was single. Almost all girls around me I feel I hope are single and like me. I never have a intention of leaving my gf so why does that matter to me why does it make me sad? I have made up things to try to have a conversation with a girl in a line. I have told my gf I'm not in the mood and its because my gf didn't look appealing because I just had porno in the bathroom but told her I was sore or tired.
The porn I know is bad and a lot I watch porn at my moms house but don't masturbate there anymore it felt weird. Sometimes I will masturbate leaving my moms thinking of what I watched, always when I drive if I am not masturbating I am watching something. I always want to talk to every girl I see and make her happy and make her like me. Typing it out makes me feel like a bastard because my gf loves me so much and she hates this behavior but I don't stop. Even not doing anything I'm thinking of what I could do I'm always imagining fantasies. She is not vanilla she does more than anyone I haven't paid and she actually likes it but still I'm having the fantasies of other people. She has sent me videos of herself and pictures for my pleasure but I've never used them and told her I have.
What can a therapist say to me other than I'm terrible? I'm a terrible boyfriend and friend I've even tried to get my friend's gfs. Anyone who knew my real thoughts would run away and they should because I destroy everything and can't even say why I do it. I wanted one thing my whole life the perfect girl and when God listens to one thing I ever said I screwed it up. Guilt is eating me up and maybe maybe she would have been OK with the truth at first but not lying and how can I look in that beautiful face and say I lied to her? She will ask why and do I say I am addicted to porno or sex? She will think I tried to have sex with every girl I flirted, how do I tell her I would not do that? I don't even know why I flirted how could I explain myself? A therapist will say be honest get rid of your guilt. My gf will think she is not good enough or I could be happy. My life feels over either way.
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2020.10.05 16:44 MansA5Oct1 Real sex caught on cam
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2020.10.01 16:18 HaulA1Oct What you are looking for is..... (Link in the Desc.)1
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2020.10.01 08:22 morgansicksadwrld i keep all the ones i get from ppl in my notes so yeah here’s a long list of Drop and emoji for the questions
24 motives, 24 names🦆 (The secret is to not reveal why you put them)
1- the last person u talked to 2- an online friend 3- crush/bf/gf 4- first crush 5- last person u hugged 6- best guy friend 7- a male friend 8- person who always makes u laugh 9- person u never thought u‘d make friends with 10- a female friend 11- best person you got to know this year 12- best girl friend 13- the person u trust the most 14- last person u said „i love you“ to 15- somebody you miss 16- somebody u hate 17- best teacher 18- last person you kissed 19- an important person for you 20- person who hurts you 21- best cousin 22- an ex 23- last person you payed a lunch for 24- would u date the person who sent u this?
ONLY ASK FOR IT IF YOURE GONNA DO IT
drop emoji for the questions
over the summer will you : 1.Lose your virginity 2.Go to a party 3.Have a all nighter 4.Be a hoe 5.Stay single or taken 6.Get drunk 7.Have a car 8.Host a party 9.Have a job 10.Go out the country 11.Go to the beach 12.Smoke sumn 13. Fight somebody 14.Sneak into the movies 15.Play hide and seek in Walmart at night 16.Sneak out the house 17.Have a sneaky link up DROP AN EMOJI FOR THE QUESTIONS
WASSCRACCIN LET US KNOW 🙈
LETS HAVE A SEX TALK 🤪 1.What age did you lose your v card ? 2.How long has it been since you last had sex ? 3.Rough or slow? 4.Weirdest place you’ve had sex ? 5.Had sex in the back seat of a car? 6.Had sex with a person whose name you didn’t know? 7.Taken a pregnancy test? 8.Would you ever have gay or lesbian sex ? 9.Faked an orgasm ? 10.Favorite type of foreplay? 11.Would you use objects in sex such as whips, handcuffs, etc ? 12.Light on or off during sex? 13.How many rounds can you go? 14.Do you regret your last body? 15.First letter of last body? 16.Body part of opposite sex that turns you on the most? 17.Sex with the person who sent this to you?
If you aren’t scared to play, drop an emoji 🤷🏾♀️
spam talk 😳:
Let’s be honest: Innocent Freaks Edition 1. ever had a fuckbuddy?👥 2. Had a bf/gf before? 3. Are you bold through the phone?📲 4. Had a sneaky/nasty linkup before? 5. Your friends call you a freak? 6. Have options? Side hoes? 7. Virgin?🤭 8. Ever snuck anyone in/out before? 9. Daydream? 💭 10. Ever gotten a hickey? 11. Caught feelings with someone you know you shouldn’t have?🤷🏽♀️ 12. Ever regretted linking up?❌ 13. Do you have strict parents? 14. People tell you they “didn’t know you were like that” 15. Call yourself a child of god?👼🏽 16. Have an eyes only?👀 17. Ever done something bold under the influence? 18. Made out with anyone?💋 19. What’s your weak spot? 20. Would you fuck the person who sent you this? DROP AN EMOJI FOR THE QUESTIONS🥵‼️
how heartless are u ? 💔 .... 1. ever got back with someone to break their heart ? 2. do u still follow your ex’s ? 3. do u still talk to your ex’s ? 4. would break up with / not fight for someone even if they are your happy place ? 5. would you answer if your ex called you ? 6. do you let people explain themselves ? 7. do you argue ? block ? or mute messages ? 8. lead people on with no intentions of pursuing them ? 9. last time you told someone you loved them ? 10. how long does it take you to move on 11. Would you fw the person who sent you this ? drop emoji for questions
1) Do you think anyone in your spam is fine 2) Have you ever daydreamed about fucking someone in your spam 3) Do you think the person that sent you this is cute 4) Is anyone you hate in your spam 5) Has your spam ever gotten you caught up 6) Do you make indirect post at someone 7) Has someone in your spam ever hurt you 8) Have you ever hurt someone in your spam 9) Are you comfortable with who follows you 10) Would you have sex with the person that sent you this
comment emoji for questions ✍🏽
never have i ever innocent edition😳
🥺 - never 🥵 - i have
IN THE PASS TWO MONTHS HAVE YOU 👀👀 1. have you had sex ? 2. gotten a hickey ? 3. snuck out ? 4. did anything sexual ? 5. had a nasty kiss ? 6. flirted with someone ? 7. went to a party ? 8. cheated on someone ? 9. gotten head ? 10. talked to your ex ?
drop an emoji for questions
Let’s admit it ... dumb bitch edition 🤣!...
FOR THE STREETS don’t ask for questions if you aren’t gonna do them😛😛 1.)what’s your body count 2.)how many girls/boys have you kissed 3.)single or taken 4.)what’s your type 5.)last person you kissed (initials) 6.)have you ever been in love 7.)how many kids do you want 8.)are you in love Right now 9.)what’s your snap score 10.) if ur a girl- how many boys on ur snap bff list 11.) Do you miss your ex? 12.)who was your 8th grade crush (initials) 13.)have you ever sent nudes 14.) are your parents divorced 15.) who do you have your eye on (initials) 16.) have you ever cheated 17.) do you like the person who sent you these questions ? drop an emoji for the questions😅
Lets get personal👀
Spread to all SPAMS!!!🚨 ( whoever doesn’t complete is pussy🤷🏾♂️) 1. had sex in a public place? 2. regretted giving someone head? 3. kissed someone of the same gender? 4. swallowed cum? 5. had sex in a car? 6. had a threesome? 7. where did you lose your virginity?/ what age? 8. fucked raw? 9. got caught fucking? 10. used toys? 11. weren’t satisfied with sex? 12. Ever masturbated? 13. gotten nutted in/nutted in someone? 14. didn’t cum? 15. would you fuck the person who sent it to you? 16. Craziest place you’ve had sex? 17. Body count? 18. Freakiest thing you’ve ever done? 19. Cheated? 20. Favorite position? 21. Last time you had sex? 22.Freaky or innocent? 23.Ever sent nudes? 24.Ever recorded sex? 25.Phone sex? 26.Prefer to give or receive head? Comment an emoji for the questions 🥴
12 secrets 🤫 1.) @ sb you think is fine 2.) @ sb you are close to 3.) last message you sent ? 4.) number ? 5.) iPhone or droid? 6.) first letter of the person name u would fuck? 7.) first letter of sb you love ? 8.) last time you masterbated ? 9.) last time you got head ? 10.) first time getting head? 11.) have you ever had hoes ? 12.) would you fuck the person that send you this ? drop a emoji for the questions 🤭
Your Love Life Questions🥰👀 1. Taken, Single, or Talking? 2. When was the last time you were in a relationship? 3. Are you in a relationship now? 4. @ your crush 5. You know somebody who want you? 6. Rate your love life 1-10. 7. You be screwin? 8. Are you happy in your current relationship? 9. You miss one of your previous relationships? 10. Are you the jealous type? 11. Do you consider yourself controlling? 12. Your parents know about your relationship or the person you like? 13. Do you want a relationship? 14. You want to get married? 15. What song you want to dance to with your husband/wife at your wedding? 16. What age range you want to get married at? 17. What age was you allowed to start dating? 18. What is the oldest you would date? 19. What is the youngest you would date? 20. What’s the hardest thing about dating you? 21. Why you not in a relationship now? DROP EMOJI FOR QUESTIONS!😗
COMMENT A EMOJI FOR THE QUESTIONS
COMMENT AN EMOJI FOR QUESTIONS.
drop an emoji for questions !
Drop an emoji for questions
1) who is your number one on Snapchat? 2) Ever received or gotten a hickey? 3) initials of the last person you made out with 4) have you ever liked multiple people at once? 5) have you ever cheated? 6) ever like someone 2+ years older? 7) weirdest place you hooked up with someone? 8) favorite place to be kissed? 9) something you miss about your last relationship 10) ever dyed your hair after a break up? 11) fake cried? 12) ever been skinny dipping ? 13) would you say you have hoes? 14) what do you most like about yourself? 15) How long have you known the person who sent you this?
drop emojis for the questions
wild side pt 3 🤪
y’all know the drill, drop an emoji & ill dm you the questions 🤣
submitted by morgansicksadwrld to challengedredditors [link] [comments]
2020.09.28 11:05 Meda28Sepl2 Real sex caught on cam
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submitted by Meda28Sepl2 to u/Meda28Sepl2 [link] [comments]
2020.09.27 18:11 Kindly-Quit Speaking of my marriage not being what I thought it would be...
First of all, thanks to everyone who read about my marriage being completely different than I thought it would be!
I realized I might be able to provide some insight into my experience since it’s niche within niche within niche lol.
3 things to unpack about my unusual arrangement:
2020.09.27 16:24 HaulA27Sepl1 Cam sex on caught real
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2020.09.14 04:38 Asianguy2385 List 6
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2020.09.06 16:57 AvadaaKedavraa Real sex caught on cam
so i was very much in doubt of whether i should write this or not. i am in such a place where i have this peace with my decision that i don't need to write down my reasons or explanations. i just feels that it's something someone would do for future arguments. and i'm not intending to have any of these.
One month back i told him i want a break from us. after him being aloof for quite a while now. my decision came from the fact that i noticed myself feeling way better when i decided to let him go, and this relationship as well - even for a little while. for the past few months, i felt really good. the stress levels were noticeably less. i found myself looking forward to doing stuff. i just felt that my life was on pause for a while, and it resumed during that "space". i felt lighter somehow. so i knew what had to be done. and i did it. i gatherer the courage to tell him.
i may have poor memory. i may have false memories fabricated by my brain. but what i'm sure i can trust is my emotions. my emotions and feelings wouldn't fail me. meaning when i was with him i always had this itchy feeling in the back of my head. and he did mention it once that he feels it too, but i decided to deny it. but apparently it took the best of me. and i should have trusted that hunch. And should have seen it coming when my health was affected too. I looked so dull from worry everyone at work noticed. They all kept saying i looked sick and tired all the time. Used to shrug it off. And recently guess what.. i have been receiving so many comments like "you look happy today!" "You're so energetic today", "you look nice!". "You seem very relaxed".. ding dong!
one can argue for ages of what went wrong. one cam argue and pinpoint exact incidents. but that's not how us humans behave. at least not me. i;m the type of person that will forgive A LOT. i forgave so many people in my life for worse things. so i know i'm not the type that will hold grudge. therefore, this decision was not based on single or few incidents. this was a piled up resentment of the way i was treated for the past 3 years (after our reunion).
i really gave him a chance more than anyone else i know. present and future. but it just kept bubbling up.
for the sake of future reminders (because let's face it, after a while all the bitter memories vanish and the sweet lingers and causes all the home sickness and nostalgia). for the past few years, i kept writing down notes of events that bothered me and how it went between us. but soon after i will delete them because i didn't want any reminders of how angry i was at him or how he mistreated me. i genuinely wanted to remember him as a good man always. but for the sake of this break up. i will list reasons or things that conflicted with me and that may have affected my decision on finally breaking this off with him.
1- he still hasn't forgiven me about our temporary break up back in 2017. for reasons i saw valid at that time (i was a Muslim and back at the time i believed that i can't marry him because of his radical beliefs, so decided to break up with him). I left him because i knew i could't continue this charades and pretend everything is fine when it's not. we had other issues too. point is, i decided to break it off. and i did. we stayed broken up for 7 months i believe. 4 of which i dated another guy. till date, he couldn't let go of that. every time we have an argument, he throws me with names: cheater and liar (to my face and behind my back to his friends). and even though he told me that he's "forgiven me" for leaving and being intimate with another guy. He's obviously not over it . throwing that in my face every time we gets a little mad doesn't rly reflect forgiveness. sometimes we'll be having a good time and all of a sudden he gets flashback and he hates me for it and get mad and starts acting up. and i'm supposed to "heal him" by just taking it as a champ. and just be warm all the time even when he lashes out. basically a punch bag. This continued to happen until date. and i believe this is the root of all evil in our relationship.
2- because of reason number 1, he started drifting away . Spends most of his time with his online friends, bonding with them. And in the process he told them about us and ofc their advice was to leave and that i am playing him. He believes what has been told to him. Mostly negatively about me and us. So it never helped our relationship. Getting this constant validation from others that i am the villain. Trust was gone.
3- he claims i wasn't there for him when he had his drug problem. but vividly remember why was that. it was because he insulted me 2 weeks before (throwing the you cheater bomb on me). i remember I've had enough of that treatment (2 years in, the same issue) and i told him i need time off to contemplate and we need couples counseling if we were want to make this work. he simply said "you just need to meditate and let go". and 10 days later he comes and asks for my my warmth after he took that drug without even acknowledging our argument. without even apologizing. he felt (feels) entitled because i "screwed him over". so naturally i replied but i couldn't fake and pretend to be okey. because i was till hurt from his words. months later he tells him i wasn't there for him so he had to run to his online friends and that they were there for him when i was not. how convenient. you have no idea how much it fucking hurts when he tells you he's sick and he needs space only to find out he's been spending all his time with this gang talking behind my back about how awful i am. laughing with them like nothing happened. he even tried to deny it but i caught him once redhanded in one of his messages talking "extra sweet" with a girl and telling her about his morning and his day and he even ask them to please let him know when they're online so that he can schedule his whole day to be with them.... talk about hypocrisy.
4- because of number 2 and 3, i kept telling him this is not right. Him running to them every time we have a fight or an argument. It made it worse. We drifted apart greatly. I decided to invite him over to UK to spend time together. Which will be discussed later on. I felt like an outcast. Like a secret he was hiding. He was not being fair to me. i felt like i was losing him to these other people. I asked him to treat me like his life partner rather than some girl he's dating. I asked him to properly introduce me to his friends. Not that i want to spend time with them. But for them to know i exist. Part of me wanted to see what is he like when he's around them. Why was he very defensive when i asked him to introduce me at least to the girls. He told me multiple times that he likes spending time with them because they're there for him and they distract him. And that it is my fault he bonded with them. It's like he was punishing me for having a job and not being about to be there 24/7. I felt so wronged and disappointed. And not only that. He's always super nice to them. I even read some of his texts to them asking them when will they come online so that he can adjust his sleeping to be with them. Meanwhile he's being the biggest jerk to me not replying and hating me for the past month. . I lashed out and asked him to choose them or me. Because he keeps saying they're not important. He chose them over and over because they "distract him" and i stress him out. The times i heard him laugh with them in his videos when he needed a break from me.. it felt like someone literally ripped my heart out and started chewing it piece by piece and spit it out in front of me. It was THE worst feeling i have ever had. I felt despair. I felt like I'm losing him. I asked to be introduced to hid friends because that somehow it would validate me as his gf/life partner. That he would never talk ill behind my back. But i was an annoyance to him. So i drifted apart too. And with time he started calling me by their names too. Because he spends too much time with them his brain only remembers their names. Imagine the pain. we stopped having fun together. i was this annoying person in his life that he doesn't know how to deal with.
5- the LDR is killing me. And he didn't make any effort to being closer- geographically. I moved to a city closer to him just to be able to visit him more. My new city is like around 2 hours away. I invited him to Uk. with all his expenses paid by me. and i was happy to pay for all that just to be alone with him. But just saying that i am trying to be closer and actually spend time physically with him. For our relationship (all 3 years) not once he came to visit me (he was scared he'd get caught, even though i assured him i can easily meet him in a safe place and that we could still spend time together but might not be able to sleep together). And that he didnt even have the car (coz it's under his father's name), but fuck it if he rly was determined he could have rented! He's not a kid anymore for god sake. So, i ended up being one who made all the visits. i even remember that once i had to fly my whole family with me just to be able to see him for a day or two. and he had that phase where he would end a conversation or a discussion just because "his inner voice" is feeling uncomfortable and anxious. I felt like i was the one holding this together. And that he was simply enjoying the ride in the backseat.
6- because of reason 5, our sex life is suffering! We used to cyber but then it became so dull coz it's mostly one sided pleasure ending in his happy ending and leaving me stranded there. At the beginning i didnt mind it coz it kept him happy and i thought i can just forget about it the moment i decide to, but later on it became very frustrating. The reason why it's one sided is not entirely his fault, it's also coz when i was a kid i had a lipoma so they had to cut off almost all my clitoris. Meaning my sensation there is very little. Meaning old-fashioned "rubbing it out" doesn't do it for me. Before i met him i used to use toys (that goes in) and They used to do it for me with proper stimulation. However, he expressed that he doesn't like me using toys cos then he'll have to compete with that. And especially vibrators. But i told him that okey how about the superficial ones that don't "go in" and that it's a clit vibrator. So the stimulation will be exterior. And that it's the only way i can get off. But he refused BIG TIME and made a huge deal out of it blaming me that I'm emasculating him and taking a huge enjoyment out of our sex life. I told him it's unfair. You're not here and you're refusing that i get my self off the only way i can! And that you masturbate all the time to porn which i hate but that never stopped you from jerking off to it. He replied that yea but im only using hands, you can use your hands im not gonna say no to that. And even though i told him that hands don't do shit to me and that that vibrator is the only way he said no. And poor me, i finally agreed that i wont use toys unless we try for at least a year having sex and if he cant get me off only then we'll resolve to toys. Which is so unfair. He's not doing any effort to physically be here yet I have to accept the consequences of his actions?
7- we live in a middle eastern community so the rules of household is fairly strict in regards to future daughter in laws and such. and with that all in mind, each time we had a heated argument and used to rush to his family to comfort him (which is not a bad thing), but not when he tells them about my previous relationships! i once had a relationship with a guy who happened to be an ****. so his sister called me a wh* re and "an ***** kisser" .the time when we broke up in 2017, he again ran to his family and told them everything that has happened between us. he told them that i left him and cheated on him with someone else (which never happened, i never acted on any guy while we were in a relationship. i started dating the other guy 1-2 months AFTER our break up. he even went into details and went ahead and told them i did intimate stuff with the other guy! (Like he actually told me "she sucked his"). So now his whole family hates my guts and his father is very opposed to the idea of us. I hated that so much but he convinced me that we don't need their approval and that just to trust him because he doesn't care about them. But again, if he didn't care he wouldn't had freaked out when his birthday card i gave him fell on the floor. He was questioned by his sisters and instead of laughing about it, he came pointing fingers of me that I manipulated him into keeping the cars and now he feels bad because he lied! As if he's not lying to them every single time he comes to meet me?!!! Also, each time we seriously discuss telling his father about us he starts stressing and worrying of how to confront them. His dad actually has a big say in what he does. He can even forbid him from doing stuff (like sleeping over or traveling or so). he's still financially dependent on them (he lives with them, they pay for everything, food, tuition, personal expenses..etc). So excuse me if i was worry you fucked things with them!
8- he does not put the effort to celebrate the important days with me: e.g my birthday. He once set an automated message and that's it's the message was set 2017, so i got it in 2018 by default. He didnt even rmbr. And in 2019 he still count that auto msg as "birthday gift/celebration". And even though the msg was a kind gesture from his side, he didnt actually rmbr my bday until I reminded him that day. So the msg lost its worth to me. It's the thought of him celebrating the day with me that would have counted. and when i was upset with him he gave me the "if you want it better, you have to appreciate me more to reflect on your reality" and i rmbr we had a fight about it but eventually i calmed down. Coz he promised me he'd rmbr the upcoming ones and actually celebrate it. and for those who know me they would know im the least materialistic demanding friend there is. I would never demand for a gift or anything likewise, it's the value of the gift not the price. Anything simple like a cheap 2 dollars necklace or a rose would have sufficed coz it's the symbol I'm appreciating. and ofc, here comes my birthday of 2020. not even a single "happy birthday". btw not only birthdays, he missed my graduation, as well. And the gift he keeps on telling me he got it but forgot to give me? It was actually since the valentines... so debunked .
9- he's incredibly critical of everything i say. And when it doesn't add up in his mind, his first reaction would be: you're lying. Never takes the benefit of the doubt. (example, when i was talking to him i told him that in the past few months i didnt even come to ps4 to talk to anyone) i was implying that i didnt need the company of others because i was very content spending my time alone doing things i love. he interpreted it as im contradicting my "statements". and that i am definitely lying. He does that alottttttt.
10- the valentine issue: few days before, we were enjoying time together listening to some book. then all of a sudden he decided to act out because he remember the redwan thing (even though he assured me he's over it multiple times). so he ended the call and left. i didnt push. so fast forward to valentine, i had made the necessary arrangement with my boss. and changed my scheduled to have 3 days off that i can travel to him and we can enjoy it together. i booked the rental care, i booked the hotel. everything was arranged. he didnt have to do anything except pack his bag and that's it. but he ruined it . he sent me the msg dont come. and i read it after i woke up around noon (i was post night), i argued and argued about how i wanted to see him. but he insisted. so i got really upset that he cancelled last minute after eveything i went through to make this happen. and after i told him fine have it your way im not coming he changed his mind saying if i want to come i can come!. i was soooo upset and i cried a lot from the frustration. i was not appreciated and he was treating me like shit even though i did nothing wrong! i canclled what i can cancel from the bookings and rest i was charged ofc for not showing up. the argument got super heated. i was super mad at him. he wanted to have a time off. so i said you can have it. i went to blow off some steam on video games. and when he realized i'm online playing with people, he went crazy and started spamming my phone. i was not ready to talk to him yet after the shit he pulled this afternoon. so i ignored him and kept playing. he even came online and joined the party! checking whom im playing with. and then he left. i felt bad and called him later. we talked. i was still super angry at him. he asked me to delete them because they make him feel uncomfortable. i said okey. next morning i played with him 2 games with the same guys (they were kids btw. the eldest was 20! so literally kids). and then i deleted them. why i did that? no idea but i guess part of me wanted to get back at him for being an ass and ruining our valentines over nothing. few days after he checked my profile and saw the voice chats and he knew i lied. he got mad. i felt bad as well, and yes it was stupid but it was just me acting out. i wanted to feel in control for once. funny enough when i asked him to cut ties with his friends he said no he cant. and ever since this incident in Feb he's been acting aloof. He demanded "time". Little does he know that this time was the best thing that ever happened to me. Not at first ofc. It was hell in the beginning i was super paranoid and trust was gone. But later on i realized how fucking awesome i am. And that i was way happier without him in my mind. Light bulb!
11- I was bullied in middle school a lot. And was severely depressed in highschool due to severe distorted self-image (and due to being sexually abused by close relatives - plural). As a result, I didn't feel good about myself. I saw myself as this ugly person who doesn't deserve love or being wanted. I grew up, matured, and my self-esteem grew with me. I was finally okey being myself. However, i still didn't feel confident enough because i was almost flat-chested. So part of me wanted to get the augmentation, and part of me struggled. Big part of me saying no was because he didnt want to. He likes my tiny non existent boobies. but i didnt, I hated the way they looked.. I dont think i'm obsessed in looking a certain way or being perfect. I just wanted a little something since i am flat chested. I did tell him that before. And i told him i want to get them and all i want is his support. And i even told him that i can take him to my doctor if he wants. But fast forward to 2 months back. Our relationship was almost dead. He's been acting like a jerk. And he didnt support me as he should during COVID-19 (i was a frontliner). Instead he used the excuse "i didnt wanna be worried". Guess what, no one wants to. But that didn't keep my parents from calling me almost every day to check on me. That's what true love is. Anyway.. so i was done with him and it was a perfect time to get the surgery since all international flights are stopped and i got the money. And i went ahead and got them. Fast forward few days back... he calls me "fake tits" and gets angry of why i did it without informing him.... Guess what you insensitive jerk, they're not yours to like, or every touch again.
Now that i feel slightly better- little angrier, But definitely not feeling as bad as i felt this morning- I need you to know this:
This is to the person who once was my whole world. Regardless of anything mentioned above, i need you to know i will not be mad forever. I will eventually forgive myself and forgive you. you'll always hold a special place in my heart. I had never connected with someone the way i connected with you. Mentally, emotionally and physically. Among all the people on this planet (and underneath it), you had my deepest love. At one point i cared about you more than my own family. That's how important you were in my life. I had times where i liked you a lot, and times where I liked you much less! and much more times where i was madly in love with you. I have never tried this hard to fix a relationship IN MY LIFE. not even with my best friends, not even with my family. Only with you, because back then i thought we had was something beyond this time and space. I thought you were it. The person who would never hurt me even if i hurt him. That's how blindly i trusted your words.. We laughed a lot. We cried together. We spent countless hours talking to each other about everything. We enjoyed each other's company. And i know even though this love might not be perfect to your little Disney fantasy, but it was for me coz I knew we loved each other very deeply. I learnt a lot from you, and grew a lot because of you. I'm sorry it all crumbled to this. It does sadden me very much more than I show. I know I'm gonna cry my eyes out after this. I decided I'm gonna take my time mourning you, instead of distracting myself. This is how we evolve ; by accepting it completely. and i just want you to know, it's no one's fault. It's just the way things played out. We see things differently now. And doing LDR for 5 years wasn't easy. So kudos for us! I wanted us to be forever too you know. I really did. But I can't see a forever in this anymore. Not with all this baggage. You're a great guy (for real). And I'm very certain you're gonna make someone very happy one day. I hope i do too. Cheers to us.
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submitted by HaulA31Augl to u/HaulA31Augl [link] [comments]
2020.08.24 15:53 Bluebird-Ordinary On sex real cam caught
I’m a recovering porn addict. An addiction that started over 30 years ago (I shake my head in shame and cry when I wrote that) and ended just over a week ago. Because of the time spent with my addiction, I find it almost impossible to maintain an erection and orgasm without porn.
My addiction has cost me relationships, experiences and my mental and physical well being.
I’ve known that I’ve had a problem for decades but I wasn’t able to snap out of it or even admit that I needed to do something about it.
I’m a 44 year old separated father of two. I started very young, around aged 8, when I found porn magazines under my dad’s bed. I was an unhappy kid, struggling to cope with my parents divorce and the dopamine hit that came from seeing those images was a much welcomed hit of pleasure. Now when I think back, this was my way of escaping from reality, something that has followed me into adult life.
I’m a child of the technological revolution that has brought with it a revolution in the availability of porn. I went from magazines and VHS as a child / teenager to unlimited free porn with the rise of high speed internet and websites like pornhub available on any screen I had at my disposal.
My brain craved porn more than sex. I would consume porn at work on my phone while sitting on the toilet. I would watch porn after having sex because I still needed that hit. I’ve been on 8hr cocaine and viagra fuelled masturbation binges where I watch porn and edge for as long as possible or until my dick is too sore to touch. I’d like to say this has only happened once or twice but it happens pretty much every time I’m left alone with cocaine. I’m not me when that happens, it’s like I’m possessed, gorging myself on the dopamine that comes with watching all the videos, and after I get that huge orgasm i’ve been chasing I feel absolutely ashamed and spiral into a pit of guilt. But that hasn’t stopped me from doing it again and again.
The last time this happened was last Saturday, 15th August. I had taken some viagra but was unable to maintain an erection. Not even porn was doing it for me anymore. This, thankfully, was the turning point and, while it’s only been a week or so since it happened, I feel like something has changed in me. I don’t crave porn because I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to be sexually active and have the touch of a woman or a sexy thought (from the real world) pop into my head and arouse me. It’s only been a week and I feel like I’ve got a bit more energy and my brain is firing on more cylinders than before. It’s encouraging and giving me an incentive to continue.
I’ve found really useful support online like your brain on porn. Understanding how the brain has wired itself to release high levels of dopamine when consuming porn, in the same way as any other addiction, has made me feel like it’s not my fault that I’m like this and so the guilt has been replaced with knowledge.
The other horrible thing about this addiction is the impact it has on other aspects to of my life. The desensitising of normal everyday experiences that should bring joy and the brain fog that has been a permanent haze in my mind for as long as I can remember led me to believe that this is my part of my personality, that this is just who I am. I know now that is isn’t permanent, that it can be removed, that there’s more to life. It feels like I’m slowly waking up. Reading stories from recovered addicts and those still on the path to recovery has been a huge part of me seeing the light and getting to this point. Thank you to everybody who has shared, it really does make a huge difference.
The way I see it, I’ve wasted well over 30 years of my life on this shit. I’ve hidden it from everybody even when I’ve had the opportunity to open up about it in a safe space. I’ve had enough! I don’t want to be that person anymore. I want to be able to have sex without the anxiety of worrying if i’ll be able to keep it up or will I be able to have an orgasm. I want to be in the moment instead of looking in from the outside. I don’t want to lie to myself or anyone else about this anymore.
So cutting out porn completely is the first step. I’ve cut out smoking weed too, another addiction that’s been clouding my brain and something i’ve used as a way to escape. No more porn stops things from getting worse but now I need to fix the damage that’s been done.
I need to let my brain rewire itself (thank fuck for brain elasticity) so that it associates real-world desire, touch and sex with that dopamine hit instead of pixels on a screen. My recovery needs time. The advice is no PMO for at least 90 days, possibly longer as I’ve had this addiction for so long, to give my brain time to unlearn the old habits and rewire itself. That sounds like a huge mountain to climb right now but I’m determined to do it.
The catalyst to me finally deciding to do something about this is a girl I really like. We started chatting on Tinder about a week ago and have been messaging each other everyday. She’s a really nice person, beautiful inside and out, really hot and we get along so well. We’ve been sending each other sexy texts and we started to cam a few days ago. Our cam sessions are super hot, she’s so sexy and I really like watching her but at the same time I know I shouldn’t be doing this as I know it’s not helping with my recovery but, like my addiction to porn, I didn’t want to admit that to myself or to her. We’ve had a few cam sessions now and last night she asked me why I don’t orgasm when we cam together. I could tell I was causing some insecurities and I really didn’t want to do that to her. I blamed it on not being used to doing things on camera, which is true, but despite being super turned on clearly the PIED/DE is the root cause here. I think because it’s on a screen that I’m able to get hard (plus the fact she’s super hot and ridiculously sexy) but i’m not 100% in the moment with her and I find that so frustrating, it’s such a difficult situation to overcome.
We agreed to see each other in a few days as we are so horny for each other but I could feel myself getting anxious about my PIED/DE. In the past, I would’ve reached for a viagra or something if we had sex but I don’t want to live that life, plus I can’t depend on a pill to do the job and I really don’t want to make her feel insecure if it didn’t work. I also don’t want to lie to her. I’ve done enough of that to last two lifetimes.
Today her I told her about my addiction, how it developed, how it’s affected me over the years...everything. She’s the only person I’ve told. I also told her what I need to do to recover and this is where I made a really bad decision.
I assumed she wouldn’t want anything to do with me. Why would someone want to inherit the trials and tribulations of a recovering porn addict, especially with someone they’ve only know for one week?! I explained that I have to work on myself and that sex or even messing around on cam is not going to help my recovery. I didn’t say that I don’t want to see her again but it wouldn’t exactly be jumping to conclusions to take that away from what I had written.
She was really upset, firstly that I’d waited until after we had cam sex to tell her this and secondly that I’d assumed she was only interested in sex. I should’ve been totally open with her from the start about my addiction and my recovery but I didn’t want to deny myself and in doing so I used her. I’m not proud of myself for that and even less so for hurting her in the process. I’ve hurt too many people because of my addiction and I hated myself for doing it again, especially after I’d managed to get myself into place where I want to change. I hate that my addiction was still affecting my decisions and my ability to develop a connection with someone despite cutting out porn. I assumed sexy texts, photos, videos and cam sessions would be different as it was with a real person who I had a real connection with but that’s not the case.
After we chatted it through and I apologised for being such an idiot she said all I had to say was can we ease up on the sex and just talk instead. She asked me if I still wanted to talk to her and of course I said yes. I mean how kind, right! I was so caught up in my own shit that I didn’t even stop to think that someone else would care. The moral of this bit of the story is be honest, don’t assume people don’t want to help you with your recovery and don’t be so hard on yourself. There are genuinely nice people out there who want to help you.
submitted by Bluebird-Ordinary to PIED [link] [comments]