2020.10.24 13:39 theanashow Mom home nude
Am I bad person? This is long and TW of all kinds
Just like the title says, I have a lot to unpack here so I hope that anyone willing has some time to give me their genuine advice here. Please understand this will be a lot, so fair warning. Also, all the Tw should be placed on this
Throughout the years, just like everyone else, I've has friends come and go. But it first stopped feeling like a normal process right after high school. I definitely did the "fitting in" for a while because the first couple of years of high school, I was bullied so much the principle suggested to my mother that I try to stop trying to "stand out", I ended up switching school districts 3 times to get away from the torture. So after high school, it felt good to have some acceptance of some kind....even if I wasn't all of my self (plus I was going to some really awesome parties). For a long time, those friends came and went, but it was always easy to find people to party with....and I quickly learned that those people weren't my friends, and it was nothing real and like I was always going through the motions. I just knew that the bottom line was that no one cared about me. And at the end of the day, when all of these "friendships" ended, no one ever had anything good to say about me... and I couldn't understand why. I'm a genuine person, I tell the truth, I don't steal, I treat people with kindness, I fight for the people I care about...So what's the matter with me?
So after figuring this out, I went and found my old friends from high school that I loved and we got really close. I finally acquired a best friend (something I haven't done since I was a kid) and ended up spending a lot of time with her. We did what all best friends do and spend every waking moment together when she wasn't with her husband or either of us wasn't at work. She was the best thing that's ever happened to me platonically (and to this day I do miss her but would never ask her to be my friend again)
Admittingly, I've struggled with depression, suicidal thoughts, and jealously of other people's relationships to this day (since I have never had a relationship of my own). So I've been known to push people away with two methods 1. either through desperately clinging on to them to the point they think I am stalking them and could be a threat (I never have and never would come to that level) or 2. straight up just push them away and tell them they deserve better than me out the blue and take desperate measures to remove them out of my life.
So one night, I was planning to take my own life so I called her and told her she deserved better and that she should move on out of the blue. And she asked why and I hung up on her (to this day I don't think she knows why I did that). I texted everyone else on my phone and said the same thing, parked my car somewhere, turned off my phone and was ready to drive my car into the water (I didn't because the car wasn't mine technically and I started to feel bad about it). She says that she was crying that I (friend) broke up with her and her husband forbid that I ever see her again because of everything I put her through in the days to come after I found out that she had another best friend comforting her I got jealous and told her I would find her friend and beat the shit out of her (never did or would've...just wanted my friend back because of the obvious mistake I made). For the next two weeks, I did everything to fight for my best friend and she took me back but nothing was the same. So I broke things off again and promised that I'd leave her alone again forever (and that's where things stand now).
Rewinding a little, In high school, I had one boyfriend. We dated for one year and for half of that year he was abusive. I never knew how to come out to anyone at the time because 1. I was stupid enough to love him and 2. He never marked me up so I never had any proof so I didn't while we were together. He dumped me Nov 2, 2009. Also in high school, I was best friends with this guy, we hung out every day after my boyfriend dumped me so I wouldn't have to feel alone (it was platonic). We sat on his couch and watch movies Id never seen and Id walk home, but my ex always thought I was sleeping with him (since Id never slept with my ex, I was a virgin). One night, my friend had a party at his house, and it was a thing, everyone raced to his bed, and whoever got there go to sleep there (without him there) instead of sleeping on the floor. And that night I won. So all of us that raced went into the kitchen for shots. Long story short (since Id like to not relive the whole thing) my guy "best friend" raped me that night taking my virginity....leaving me to cry it out...Later telling me he never wants to talk to me again.
He ended up marrying my best friend that I talked about previously.
So I know I'm uploading right now, but I promise I am going somewhere.
A year after the encounter with my "guy best friend" I started hanging out with this girl I was partying with in high school and met this guy. He has a cool car (of course right?) and always came to my house to smoke me out. We got to know each other and he would come over and smoke me out every day. He introduced me to his friends and I eventually found out that we had a lot of friends in common already. Eventually, we started sleeping together since he was telling me things like "I really like you and I'd love to be with you" etc. This went on for 4 years until one day he calls me and tells me "id love you to meet my new girlfriend". So I have a meltdown, blowing up his phone trying to find out what happened, and he starts changing everything he'd been saying for the past 4 years without warning. So I spiral out of control and have my first suicide attempt. Come to find out, the entire time we'd been "together" he'd been telling his friends that I was just a slut and someone to get something from and nothing else since he was using me to cheat on his girlfriend the entire time.
(sorry, this is all over the place but I warned you and I am going somewhere with this. Just bear with me)
So fast forward past finally leaving my best friend and her husband alone and second-guessing drowning myself. And moving across the country to put everything behind me...Since everyone I know hates me no one wants to talk to me. There was always one guy that I always thought that I might end up being with one day. He was always extremely nice to me when everyone treated me like shit. A little background, when I was overweight he was the only person that said "wow" and talked to me about how great I looked in a dress at a party. He kissed me a few times amongst a few other things (never has sex). But the truth was he was out of my league because he only did any of these things when he was drunk. So one day after I moved I messaged him how I felt about him. He had a serious girlfriend at the time so I was fully aware that nothing would come of it but I just wanted to get it off of my chest. He was really nice about it and we just started talking about random stuff for a couple of days so I felt comfortable asking questions like "would you ever be with someone like me". In my mind, the context was supposed to be like "would someone like you want to ever be like me" but it never came out that way...So asking questions like that obviously was very inappropriate... but that's not what I wanted. One night he ended up texting me and telling me he was horny and I told him that wasn't something he should be telling me...he started asking me for nudes and stuff so I ignored him (I'm pretty sure he was just drunk). So one day we had a pretty serious talk about something I was going through and how people keep dipping out of my life and I didn't understand why. The talk eventually boiled down to him promising me that he wasn't going anywhere, so I assumed I had a friend. Be being the dumb ass I am, I started blowing up his phone up (I was upset about something and I cant remember), and his girlfriend saw and thought he was cheating. So he texted me and demanded that I say we don't have a relationship, so I did because it was the truth. But I also wanted to be honest with her, so I told her everything. I told her about what I originally said, what he said when he told me he was horny, I mean everything. So she asked me if I thought it was cheating and I told her in my mind I would but its up to her how she wants to interpret it because ultimately she knows their relationship better than me. So a few hours later he texts me furious telling me to never speak to him again. I explained to him that I just wanted to be honest. He blocked me on everything I could contact him on and I did everything in my power to apologize but haven't been able to since.
While this is all happening. When I moved, I met this older couple that let me move in their basement with 3 other people (it was a big basement) as long as I keep a job and pay rent. I stayed with them for a year. Within that year I paid for my own food, toiletries, etc, and always paid on time. Everything was great, I had a couple of depressive episodes (going through the above and the death a family member) . They kept cameras in the common areas (because they had a lot of nice things and lived in a sketchy area, and had them before I got there). Everything was going really well until one day one of my roommates (that works nights) barges in and yells "some of my weed is missing!" and since i was the only one awake at the time he assumed it was me (although I did nothing). I let him know I did nothing and even showed him my own supply as proof but it wasn't enough for him. So he expected me to pay for more, and obviously, that's not going to happen (we live in Colorado). A week later he moves out but not before telling me how terrible of a person I am and that he hopes that I kill myself. ...even though I did nothing. After he left, it comes out that serval things of their other roommate's things are missing and they all think it was me even though I never touched anyone's stuff. So the next night I move out and start sleeping in my car until I get money for a hotel.
(Almost done guys.)
My mom and I have been really close for all of my life since she's been basically all I've got parent wise. But only recently did I realize how toxic our relationship is. For most of my life I have needed her help because I have been through so much. And even though early adulthood I still needed her. But now I am almost 30 and although right now things are crazy.. I really don't need her. When I moved out of my roommate's situation, She just so happened to be visiting for Christmas. So I told her I was getting a hotel and was going to find another roommate or just get an apartment. So instead, she purposely missed the flight that resulted in her in losing the job that she has for 30 years. And she got stranded here trying to "dig" me out of a situation that I didn't need to be dug out of. So without keeping everyone here longer than they need to be, my mom ended up getting COVID and was under the ventilator for 10 days and nearly lost her life (google Ravi Turman). We are currently homeless and living a hotel because couldn't trust me to take care of something myself.
So I said ALL of this because I wanted to give everyone real instances in my life some where people knew me well and some where they didn't. Some where I clearly messed up and some where I didn't and some where I don't know to ask this:
---What is wrong with me? Am I a bad person? I try so hard every day and do my best every day to be a good person but every day I can't help but see instances where people keep giving up on me without looking back. No one that has ever met me will ever have anything good to say about me although I cannot tell you a single time in my life where I have purposely meant anyone any harm. I don't mention family here (besides my mom) because of none of them like me, just tolerate me. People expect something out of me that Im not and I try to show them...but they won't even take the time to see.
---Im burned up by this because I moved two years ago and have no friends because I am terrified to put myself out there in fear of just making more enemies that I love. I've never even been in a serious (romantic) relationship and that seems so far from a possibility now because people can't even stomach me on regular basis let alone love me. So its just become a sad dream.
I pray all of this made sense so whatever advice you may have can be something tailored....because I am tired of living this way.
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2020.10.24 09:22 ThrowWAY1118 Not sure if my heart is in the relationship anymore, despite wanting it to be
Hello Everyone. Using a throwaway account due to my boyfriend being apart of this community.
Me (21F) and my boyfriend (21M) just had our one year anniversary a few days ago. The day before he completely ignored me and the next morning after asking him what it was about, it turned into a full blown argument. Him and I have been doing long distance (about 4 hours apart), and I do my best to visit him as much as I can. However I am unemployed and between looking for jobs and helping out my mom around her new home, I’ve been busy. His dad had come back over to this side of the state to visit his wife (boyfriends mom) and my boyfriend wanted me to come visit. Not sure if I wanted to make the 4 hour commute, which I mentioned to him that morning, he promptly hung up on me and changed his relationship status to single on Facebook.
I have been trying so hard to make this relationship work, after making several attempts to leave it in the past due to prior issues, I’m kind of just not sure if I’m feeling the relationship anymore. It’s really hard because him and I go through such high times, but we also have our fair share of extremely low points.
In January 2020 we did break up for about a month. During that time he started talking to his ex who had broke his heart (ghosted him completely). I had gotten pregnant and decided to get an abortion due to him pushing me to and not feeling like I had anyone to be there to support me if I would need it. Him and his ex had called me an incubator. Tbh I still am feeling a bit uneasy about that as well.
In April, I had gone to visit him (and gone through his phone, which I’ll admit, due to some things that happened between us I’ve had some trust issues, I came to find out his best friends have been calling me a cum dumpster or his “cock sleeve.” He had never once stood up for me.
End of may (found out mid June) when I noticed nude photos of him that I’ve never seen that he had been trying to hook up with a guy from reddit. When confronting him he told me that he wanted to have sex with a guy. Fast forward to today, he was like I felt attacked and didn’t mean it.
Irregardless of all of this happening, he still insists that he loves me. And I think that I love him too. But I think I’m in love with the man I fell in love with prior to January and ever since it’s just been I’ve been dating a stranger.
Not sure if I should continue the relationship, I feel stressed, used, and almost like I’m only in his life so he isn’t lonely. I’ve tried to express this to him but I can’t without him starting to get upset with me. I never got an anniversary present and I’ve spent thousands of dollars on weekends to spend with him. He owes me money. Ughhhh
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2020.10.23 01:34 Atomix93 Mom home nude
What can I possibly do besides suicide when my life has been nothing but a huge brick to the face because not matter what I do to fix my problems. More arise and wont stop! It's a nightmare I'm posting here because I wanna be heard, I have nothing to lose I have no family no friends and the person whom I cared for and loved so much, left me because of my past because I was destined to be stabbed and treated wrong for the rest of my life ? and I am witness to my mistakes in the past never been to jail never broken the rules too much never been a drinker or a party guy too much. I was born in a different country called Panama between north and south america, my mom left me in that country 1 year after I was born, she left with my siblings my oldest sister and brother, I was raised by my grandfather and grandma they were all fantastic and good parents to me throught my childhood till I was 6 and my grandfather died of cancer all suddenly lung and throat cancer even tho he had quit many years b4 but I guess still happened. Then my mom called and told my grandma to not put me in the school for the whole year cuz she was coming to get me, she was currently living in the US and became a citizen, so the whole year went by and never came and got me. I was disappointed, I was then raped by someone who my grandma left me with after school the next year after I I turned 7 I never remember the incident for a long time. 6 years later she somehow came and got me with my new green card, I was removed from my friends and everyone I once knew and was very close to . A month after I got here not knowing English at all was sent to middle middle school and 2 years behind because of my language barrier I was put in a advance esl class for the whole year my teacher was a bad teacher and used to lose her shit with me because it was hard for me to concentrate, used to call me stupid becUse out of all the 12 students there, I was the only one not talking much but is because I was intimidated, somehow I passed the class and left that school from Dallas, I then moved to McKinney Texas and went to high school there, i did a whole year there and then my mom and my brothers and I, had to move to Dallas again during winter, we then moved to mesquite tx and stayed there for 5 years on and off becUse me and my mother got into it many times because she always treated me as different than my siblings so i started not caring and just left high school and started living with friends since I was 16 and 17 I was out and doing my own things for a little while I even moved to Oklahoma then back to Dallas and had my first 2 childs with two different woman one fucked me over and the other one just kinda kept me out and my other one fucked me over and cheated on me while I was a at work, she would call her ex husband and take off with my daughter and never paid a thing in my apartment I cooked and cleaned when I could after work, I worked in a commercial printing warehouse and I worked almost every day maybe one day off and, somehow my green card went missing out of my wallet and a week after that, everything started to hit me hard, my ex had waited till I got fired and then I went to take a nape with my daughter so i could wake up and have energy for my next move, but when I woke up, my newborn daughter took off with my daughter and my car and then i called cops but they couldn't help because that was her mother but if I would had been awake would have been a different story, I then got into a big depression i let some friends stay there while i would go to work and stay at my .moms for a while cuz the job was close to her house, and but I couldn't keep paying for my apartment no more becaUse my new job didn't paid me enough and then I had no ride to go to my old place because those friends stopped responding, and my parents wouldn't take me so I then find out that those friends of mine got cops called on my place and they were trying to run drugs and party hard there and so they got caught and I didn't have enough time to go get my things and leave so I lost everything I had, and now that I had no green card I could not find any jobs that would hire me so I met another chick who also cheated on me and got pregnant and didn't tell. Me and so a year passed by and after I got with this burnt survivor chick, my ex finds my number and texted me asking me 8f I wanted to meet my son and I did and he looked like me and we had a connection within a few weeks of been meeting up with him, 4 weeks later she asked me and my girlfriend at the time if we could take care of him because she couldn't and she didn't want him and I was all excited but I was living with that burned chick and I only donated plasma and did odd jobs from time to time to help but then Anastasia which was the burnt chick, got all excited and said she wanted to help me get my kids back and so I thought was strange but I accepted and thanked her for it but after a few months of him staying with us and making me very happy, Anastasia starts telling me that she called CPS on. My sons mom. Because she wanted to have my kid living with us without her ever coming back for him which it bothered me becUse that was kind of unnecessary and so my ex's kid got taken away and my son was then. Involved with CPS under some type of plan, to keep my sons mother away from my son, then a year or so passed by and Anastasia starts to act different and accuse me of shit because she had PTSD and other mental issues and so she was the type to wake up in the middle of the night screaming, or punching u, or to start a fight, and one night she took it too far and I had to grab my son from the bed because she started arguing with me and swinging her hands around like a child, I was afraid for me and my son and so she got up and while I had my half sleep baby on my. Arms she tried swinging at me so I turned my body and turned again and grabbed her arm and slightly pushed her onto the bed so I tried walking out with my son and she then ran to the front door and blocked me from going anywhere so I freaked out and called the cops and so I get her to calm down and I then the cops come and hear my story and hers but she was lying to them saying I hit her when I never hit no woman I told them. That I was defending my self and my son and that she hit me and I showed my Mark's and I told them I did pushed her because she was way too close to me while acting odd, so then she gets taken away and they asked me to press charges and but I never did because I felt bad and I did care for her and I didn't want to do that to my son so the day I went to sign the documents releasing her from her going to court, but also mostly because she begged me and begged. Me and also asked my mom to get her to get me to just not press charges on Anastasia and believe it or not I signed it and gave her the benefit if the doubt but the moment i did that, she went and called her parents and told them all of the things that happened and made me look horrible, why?, I have no idea, so then I started doing drugs because she got sick and got taken to the hospital I had to take care of my kid alone for a few months and had no job so had to come up with ways, I used drugs to keep up with my shoes because I was so tired, I was known around the complex because I was working on people's cars while I had my son at day care paid by cps, I got addicted but never let it keep me away from taking care of my kid but then she came back for 2 weeks I had to help her off the bed and to shower and to do all sorts of things and her treating me like shit everyday and screaming and omg it was the most stressful thing and was messing with me and then she went. Back to the hospital for 2 more months and then she comes back and made my life hell because I told her I was doing drugs and told her why but then I thought I could trust her but she turned out to be the devil and used that against me and started pushing me back and while I would go out to make money, she would go behind my back and assume i was cheating or God knows what when I was at work I had witnes3s, but she was also signing documents and suddenly I wasnt getting any kind of taxes so she started getting ng all of this money and I didn't know how taxes worked but when I did find out she was keeping all of this money from having my child living with us I got mad and confronted her about it cuz non of it was going to him we had all of his toys donated to us so where was this money going and so she would say she had it hidden for him and I just left it alone but then I had a bad feeling so I asked her when could she help me find a way to have me sign my sons birth certificate but because of my legal situation I couldn't do it my self, so I made her have power of attorney and she said she would help me but never did instead she would lie to me till the very end then got me caught up with CPS and locked.me out of the house and took off with my kid and I never got to sign it and then cps found meth in my system and so yay, now I was stuck with this embarrassing shit and after passing everything for 8 months. They kept lying to me telling g me I would see him as long I comply and I did the best I could but then I got with the woman of my dreams and but my ex found out about her and threw cps on her and her daughter and I 3nded moving with her temporarily and then months go by and now my current woman was getting very stressed out blaming me for her having cps on her for no reason. Just jealousy I guess and I got under alot of pressure and hurt by everything i was doing to help others and trying my best to do better at life I end up moving to my friends home and my coworker and we would work on his house on cars he was my teacher but my cousin dies and my uncle died too from covid and so I lost my shit and started doing meth again 2 wise and somehow I blacked out and messaged my friends brother and my best friends 14 or 16 year old daughter and I couldn't remember and I then lost my job and my best friend and then I apologized to them and couldn't believe that i did that and i feel so bad every day. And but i was still with my woman and i told her what i knew and to forgive me but i never seen anyone behind her back i was very truthful to her but after months of knowing then that guy calls cps on me about it saying I sent a nude to a minor or solicited to a minor and the worst part is that I ain't even that type of person fuck no and I felt disgusted and I wanted to hung my self because I was on drugs my woman lied to the cps guy so he could leave us, me alone and I thanked her, but ever since, she has not been the same, i don't wanna lose her she is my everything because we help each other and thanks to her i have been staying clean thanks to her I treat her like my queen but today she told me she wanted to leave me because of the past and she just wanted to be loved again was the only reason I was chosen to be with her but now because my past even tho I was truthful, she doesn't trust me thinking that if I do drugs again I would probably do that again. And I promised her I wouldn't but is my word vs everyone else's I feel like the world is against me even tho I only have eyes for her and good heart for others. At the same time I'm trying to get me a lawyer to get a green card and work again. And I'm trying to get a lawyer to help me get my son and prove that he was kidnapped and that I was scammed and my self situated but I feel like. NOt matter how hard I try and nor how much i help others to change my luck, I end up getting fucked over or back stabbed and hurts and since last year I have been very suicidal because I know I am a piece of shit and I keep failing at life and there's alot more to the whole story than this but is all I can let out for now and needed... advice because I feel like I'm going insane.
submitted by Atomix93 to SuicideWatch [link] [comments]
2020.10.22 13:04 Erin327 Mom nude home
I had dated this man for almost a year and it has been a whirlwind of feelings. I fell deeply and so did he. We have shared so many great memories but I have also had to navigate helping him separate himself from a parent who has ruined his credit, and livelihood because they would commit fraud in his name. I helped him find a place to live very quickly as even his own parent would not allow him to live with her if he didn't pay an astronomical amount of money. He has been moving from job to job too unable to be steady for longer than a few months. The problem is, despite the abuse he has endured by this parent he continues to go back and be manipulated by them. He has been clueless about any form of life skills because his parent purposely ensured he would remain dependant on her so they could continue to take advantage and control. I have tried my best to provide advice and even my family has helped him set up things, like finding out his credit score, getting his social insurance number changed, and creating new bank accounts and tax accounts so he can prevent his parent from accessing his funds. This has been the source of a lot of fighting, but most often we have fought due to money stuff. He hides things from me for fear of my reaction but that means he ends up lying to me right to my face. A couple days ago one big lie caught up to him and I found out he is behind on his rent for the place I helped him find and move into, I had a panic attack and flew over to his house and made him leave work early so we could both talk to the landlord. This has completely thrown me for a loop because I had loaned him money for the rent and yet somehow he is behind when he should have been able to save money each time he was paid at work to pay the rent. He had some job troubles in September, but he should have had enough money saved unless he was continuing to let his mother steal from him.
He is now at risk of being evicted and instead of communicating with the landlord he hides and lies. Lying has been a coping mechanism for him since he was a child and no matter how much I show him how much I love him and insist he be honest no matter how bad it is, he continues to lie. I don't think I can ever trust him and I know I had no other option but to end this relationship, as I don't think he will ever change given that I have helped him so much and he has disregarded it and taken me for granted. I don't know how to get over this and I am so distraught and depressed. My heart is so broken and I feel like he only cares about his feelings. When I became so mad with him that night I flew to the landlords he slammed my car door and spat on my car, blocking and deleting me on everything like I meant nothing to him. He has since unblocked me because I cried and cried about how he could erase me so fast from his life. Every time I express to him how I feel I always get, "don't you think I know that" or "Well I am also feeling so bad for what I have done to you" or he tries to make excuses "I haven't lied to you the whole time only recently, or I did that out of frustration" He wants one more chance but I don't think he will ever change, I feel so bad to leave him when he is struggling but I don't know what else to do and I am struggling because of the way I have been treated. I feel like long term he would continue to lie, or at least I would never trust him again, and he would continue to self sabotage his finances by wasting his money on unnecessary things instead of what's important, meaning I could never rely on him to contribute to a household if we were to live together.
I felt like that night was the last straw and I went over to give him back the items he bought me and that he left at my house. He bought me a very cute Pandora ring that I loved so much, but I gave it back because I felt like it meant nothing in the moment given the way he treated me. I wanted him to delete the pictures I have sent him that were a little risqué too as now I am worried he might do something "out of frustration" and I don't know if I trust him to keep them to himself anymore. I would also love some reassurance that I am doing the right thing because I really don't think this is healthy for me to stay no matter how much I love him. I truly love him so much but I can't keep living like this. I'm not a perfect person either, when I have gotten angry I have called him names and been rude with him, but I always apologize and tell him I will be better. The problem is the more he would hide things from me or blatantly fuck up his life more even after I tried to guide him, it would make my blood boil. So definitely on both sides it just wasn't healthy for either of us.
As I was deleting the pics on his phone names of women popped up in his texts. I clicked one text and it was sexting! He moved on after 1 day and was trying to deny sexting other women. I found a collection of porn and nudes on his phone in addition to our pictures together and my not so conservative pictures. I think I managed to delete them all, although after he zoomed away in his car claiming he had other plans he told me they might have backed up. I think he's only saying that to scare me. He continued to gas light me via text and make it seem like I'm the bad person because I would flip out on him when he would blatantly lie about where he was spending his money for him to not afford rent. I'll be honest I became quite controlling because I felt like I had to hold his hand with ensuring he was doing what he needed to do to recover from the financial instability his mother and himself caused, but I guess he just wants to continue to live under his mother's thumb and let her take care of him, even if it means giving her all his money. I tried my best and while I know I wasn't perfect, I loved him so much and I would have never welcomed him into my home and to meet all my family had I not been sure if this was real. Now I have a watch with engraving that is coming in the mail for his birthday and I can't even return it. He claimed he had a ring to propose but didn't provide proof, I am pretty sure he only said that when he saw the picture I showed him of the shipping notification for the watch. How could he afford a ring but not rent? He loves to one up me. He plays the victim all the time then projects back everything I say to make it seem like it's my fault he is this way and that I am the one who made him move from his mom. I just tried to help him find a healthy place to be but I guess he would rather break his rental contract and move back with mommy. I don't know anymore I'm such a mix of emotions and I feel so damaged by the way he flipped a switch on me in his personality yesterday. I felt so scorned that I gave his landlord his mom's address so she could proceed suing him for monies owed. Now I regret doing that but at the time I wanted revenge for the way he treated me like a piece of trash when the breakup could have been civil. He wanted a hug goodbye and I refused after I realized he was texting new women. What an asshole. He was about to cry because I gave him all the things he bought me back, including a little promise ring he got me for my birthday, but why would I want to keep it after the way he treated me. It felt like his love was fake, but now I am also questioning whether I did the right thing. Maybe I should still give him the watch? I don't know anymore I just am scared of how he's going to cope with this breakup and I'm putting it on myself because I know this broke him too despite the way he treated me. I know I should care more about my feelings and to focus on my own process through grief, but this is just how I am thinking and I need some reassurance that I'm not a complete asshole and that I did the right thing by ending the relationship.
TL;DR: My partner betrayed my trust and treated me like garbage when he realized I was going to end the relationship. He is emotionally unstable and I worry for his safety because I don't know how he will cope with this break up (he claims to have thought about suicide in the past so now I'm scared I've fucked him over worse by ending it and telling his landlord his mom's address so he can be served). I feel like I need to choose my happiness no matter how much I love him but I am second guessing whether I am did the right thing and I feel guilty for my own actions.
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2020.10.22 04:00 Randomuserguy2001 Mom home nude
I (19M) enjoy being nude in my room and around the house if no one else is home. I was thinking about telling some of my friends and family so I can enjoy doing it more often and hope there isn't any bad/crazy/weird feelings about it if they do see me doing it. Except I'm sort of questioning myself. Should I tell them or not? I told me 1/4 of my best friends that already said he didn't care if people were naked or not. He now doesn't care if I'm nude around him or not. So for the rest of my friends, I think I could be fine telling them but only if they are like my best friend I just talked about. My family though is the main people I don't know if I should say something or not.
My family is very religious. My mom's side is baptist and my dad's side is catholic. They believe that it is wrong being nude except in a shower or changing clothes and you aren't allow to be nude around anyone that your significant other (well that is how it feels from them). I am a Christian but I'm not as religious as my family. Basically, my family thinks it is wrong for a lot of things. On some things... I do think it is fine by there should be lines for. The main 2 things they say is bad is cussing and nudism. Those I see as fine but there are lines. I'm just going to talk about the line I have for nudism part. I feel like, if you enjoy it, you should be allowed to since you aren't hurting anyone except you shouldn't do it around people that doesn't want you to be nude around them.
If you don't understand, if you have told your neighbors and all of them are fine besides 1 neighbor. You could be fine to do it with everyone in the area that is fine with you doing your nudism habits besides that 1 neighbor that isn't fine with you doing it.
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2020.10.22 00:33 devanyabril Mom home nude
Hello I just wanted to come on here and hopefully get some advice , so I meet my boyfriend when I was 15 and he was 16 got pregnant at 15 and delivered at 16 so really young. Two years in so I was 17-18 and he was 18-19 but he sneakly took one of my moms old phone and went looking for things and found some nudes of her like everything out nipples vigaina ass just everything !!! and he took pictures of them and saved in his phone on a hidden file. For 3 months without me knowing just yet he would jack off to them every night. Well I ended up leaving him because he didn’t work or help with our daughter and he would just get high all day with my money anyways i meet a guy where I worked and he was sweet and so I decided to leave my bf and when I broke up and kicked him out he then showed me my moms pictures out of anger. I totally blocked him and didn’t give him a chance for 4 months until we got back and since then we are now 6 years in so 4 years after that happened and I am so insecure with my self , I don’t enjoy sex , I’m always angry at him , it makes me sad , I’m such a family person and we are always at my parents home so it makes me feel so uncomfortable, and it’s just some thing I’ve tried to forget but I can’t. In the past when we did get back we would argue so much about it and I’ve done my mistakes and I have slept with someone out of anger and wanting him to feel the same hurt I’ve felt but i know I’m wrong for that and I took part , I throw it in his face every time we argue that I wish I could be as gross as him and sleep with his dad/brother and have to see them in the daily just so he can know what I go through. It’s been better now and we don’t fight as much but it’s has made me unhappy with life overall ... we still do argue and I still quiestion my self everyday what was it out of? Like what was he thinking did he want to have sex with my mom? My mom hates him by the way she’s creeped out and does not speak to him at all. nothing that I do is exciting, we go somewhere and I get so jealous if he looks at a girl or just feel angry not at the girls but something about him that triggers me , he again cheated on me maybe 2 years ago on an app with only older woman 40-60 years old and that is my moms age so to me it’s just disrespectful and disgusting like why older woman ? I love him and couldn’t see him with anyone eles but why do I hate him ? Is that possible ? Or what is wrong with me .. I can’t trust him with anything. I’m so hurt we have done counseling and it has not helped. Should I just leave .. I’ve kicked him out so many times because it gets so toxic and he still smokes every day and gets high and we’re so opposite. But he says he loves me.
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2020.10.20 05:10 piggiewheeks Home nude mom
Backstory: I have been working with this coworker for the past 10 months and have built almost a parental relationship with him. At work, I am his supervisor (but not manager). He lost his mom a few years ago and has a rocky relationship with his father. He is an out gay kid in a red, very conservative and christian area. Recently, he dumped his bf (18m) and will be moving out of his family home once he turns 18 in a few weeks. Over the last couple months coworker has made jokes about getting a sugar daddy and expressing issues with finances. Also has made comments alluding to prostitution amd essentially wanting to get paid for sex. Over the last couple days has been talking constantly about possibly being a homewrecker and making jokes around that sort.
Incident: While at work tonight, coworker (17m) tells the story on how he's a homewrecker. Coworker tells me that he has been using gay dating apps to target and find closeted gay married men. He exchanges nudes with them and lies saying he is over 18. He will then go to their homes and have sex with the men and unknowingly (to the men) record sexual acts. He also thoroughly documents all conversations and pictures exchanged with these men. Afterwards he will request money from the men. If the men don't pay him, he will then say he will go to the police.. Basically going "gotcha, I'm a minor. Pay up or you will be publicly exposed as a pedophile". Well apparently last week this little routine did not work, and the man (50m "straight" married with kids) he was trying to extort said no sir what you're doing will get you in trouble too. Man did not pay up and coworker got mad.. and now is looking to get even. While at this man's house, coworker took photos of everything, including photos of this man's family and a bunch of information on him.
Now, coworker is stalking this man's family and attempting to befriend the man's daughter because they are close in age and have mutual connections. Coworker wants to blackmail this man for money by sending man photos of himself with the daughter. And if the man doesn't pay up, he will inform the daughter of their "relationship" and share all videos and pictures he has of them together.
Conclusion: I was left speechless and stayed very quiet during all the explanations.. I have treated amd viewed this coworker like a son but what he is doing is so WRONG AND ILLEGAL. I'm dumbfounded on what to do.
What should I say to coworker?
What should I do at work, now that I am EXTREMELY uncomfortable around him, after learning of this?
Is there anything legally or morally I should do?
Edit: UPDATE! After a lot of discussions, thoughts and insights.. I realize, after reflecting, that the ultimate goal is to help this coworker in some way. As another redditor commented, this young man needs help. And while I may personally not be the person to help him, I would like to try and point him in the right direction. I do not want to focus on the illegal parts of this story, but more so the cry for help that needs a response.
Also, I am still seeking advice if this issue should be brought to SM, DM or PCC attention. And any ideas or tips on what to say.. I am not looking to get this coworker fired. HOWEVER, this issue took place on the clock, on the floor, in front of another partner who appeared concerned but uncomfortable. If the other partner were to speak to anyone about what was heard tonight, and it got back to SM, DM or higher.. could I be reprimanded or fired?
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2020.10.20 02:53 CrimsonTacoMan52 Nude mom home
Just a little context before my the actual point of this post:
She sent a friend request, then after a day i sent her a message through messanger, we talked a bit and asked for her number, ive been talking to this girl since September 3rd, and last saturday we hung out for the first time. (We had already meet irl before but only for like 10-20 mins) We met through facebook, she lives in my town, not to far away from my house actually, she's friends with my female cousin. We quickly gained trust, like after 20-30 days we where talking about sex and sending semi nudes to each other. Hell we're at the point that if i text imma go to the bathroom, she asks me if imma take a dump or piss, and obviously i ask her too.
Not only that but she was the first to say that she is interested in me as more than friends, she was the first to say i like you, and she was the first to say i love you. After knowing eachother for about a month.
so we planned out a visit, which happend this past saturday, I went over to her parents house (she still lives with her parents as do i), met her parents briefly intruduced myself to her dad and mom. I even baked 12 cinnamon rolls from scratch, even the frosting.
After meeting her parents, sister and brother, her and i sat on her livingroom couch and looked for a good movie to watch. We ended up picking annabelle the creation. So you know the deal, i put my arm around her early on in the movie y broke the awkward i wanna kiss you and you wanna kiss me moment, (when we first met she told me out front she wanted to kiss me but felt it would of been to early in our relationship). So i broke the hice by kissing her on the forehed and it wasnt wierd or anything, then i kissed her on the cheek, and eventually she was the one to randomly kiss me on the lips. After that we spent half the movie kissing and even french kissing and the other half talking (by half i mean a lot of individual kisses)
Some times i was watching the movie and i felt her stare at me and i looked over at her and she kept staring in a way i haven't ever been looked at. I asked her whats up and she said that she was admireing how cute i am. And so i also did that. I even cought her looking at me like upward cuz like i was hugging her and she would just stare at me in a way as if we were in a romance movie. There was also this mome t where she put her hand on my lap and said does this make you nervous and i said no, she moved her hand up my thigh again, and i said no. That whent on until she jhst barely grased my dick. A little later i litterally did the same, except i actually sorta ran my finger over her pussy, over the pants obviously.
There was this other moment where she ran the back of her hand/fingers across the left side of my hand like, in the movies and shit. And it made me feel some type of way.
That otta the way, after we watched annabelle we watched shrek the third with her 10yr old brother, meanwhile she didnt care about her brother seeing her kissing some dude. So she kissed me for like the 30th time estimately, and eventually i was like fuck it imma be who i am through text. I grabbed her by the neck and kissed her passionately. We kissed so much that when i went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror i had lipstick all over my lips, i wiped it off and whent back to her.
Remember how i told you that she was the one to say she likes me like more than friends, that she likes me, that she loves me, well i took that as a sign she would say yes if i asked her to be my gf. So i did when i had the chance, her response was: oh, well..... surprised do you give me time to think, and obviously i said yes. Then she said i love you and kissed me. And said ill give you your answer tomorrow.
We kept watching shrek then i sayd goodbye to her mom and her, she walked me a couple feet from her house and she kissed me goodbye and said to text her when i get home. I got home and we talked for a couple mins and she said that she felt things were going to fast and we should get to know eachother. And i said yea thats true i respect that.
Sunday was her little sisters 14th birthday so we didnt text much we did but not a lot. That was expected i didnt think much of it. But today in the morning she said goodmorning we talked a couple mins and she said can we talk.
And out of nowhere, one day we are in her living room, kiss and kiss and kiss and kiss, and she's looking at me all loving, and i look at her in the same way, she caressed my face in a very loving way as if we're in a romance movie.
And the next she says this: I feel that I am not me when I am with you I mean everything I say is true and the messages are also true and I am like that but I do not feel that I am me, when im with you understand? Then i asked is that bad? And she said i dont know, im confused. We kept talking for a bit and then she said that when we text she feels like hell yea and in person she feels like a potato.
She says that she doesnt know whats up with her feelings, that through text she feels one thing and in person another.
That she feels that it wouldnt be good for me to not recieve what i would give her.
I told her that i was confused because she took all the first steps, all the way to saying i love you, she responded that through text she feels that way and that in person she doesn't.
I said maybe it was just because it was the first time we hung out, then she said that maybe, or maybe her nerves got the best of her.
After that book of context, my question is what should i do, ive never felt like this with anyone and im scared that the more we hang out in person the more she is gonna be like I dont actually love you, sike.
Im not only confused but im sad that this random as problem happend. Like how can she tell me that in person she doesnt feel the same way she feels like she does through text. After her kissing me over and over and over and over again and again and again, like bruh she lookd at me like she was madly in love with me, she caressed my face like in the movies and shit. And after all that she says that in person she doesnt feel the same way.
Like then, if she dudnt feel the same way, then why did she look at me like that, whay did she keep kissing me, why does she caress my face like she did.
Any who. To whomever actually cared enough to read this long ass story, thanks. Hoping to find out what i should do, or change in order to not lose her. I think i might actually be falling for her. Thanks again
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2020.10.19 18:10 ThrowRAbogus Mom home nude
Hello, it has been a long time since i wanted to put this out there but it’s been hard to put the feelings into words and it’s also a pretty long story.
Names are obviously fake.
Little background: me (32m) and my wife Lorelai (30f) have been together now for about 6 years. We met in Europe (i’m from there) while she was studying abroad and we lived there together for a couple of months before she had to go back to the states to finish college. I followed up soon after to move in together being both madly in love. The first 3 years were a little rough as expected being away from friends and family and getting more real with eachother but our connection was incredibly deep and we have always been there for each other. Jealousy was always a flaw of mine. I’d like to think that being in another country without many friends (i’m pretty introvert and making friends doesn’t come easily) didn’t help, but that feels more like an excuse. Within the last ~3 years i’ve made progress though. My wife became a film and tv actress (she has been on a couple of shows you might have seen but no big break roles yet) and her performing in the occasional kissing or fake sex scene or just romantic relationship made it really hard for me in the beginning (absolutely no pun intended). It was always her dream job though and her being my first priority made me grow up and be less jealous. She also never really gave me any reason to be. Loyalty and honesty were the two most important things for us and given the sacrifices we both made to be together, there was no alternative but to base everything on those principles. Everything has always been like a dream for the most part.
Fast forward to the beginning of the year and while working on my laptop i open the notes app to write something and a note catches my attention. It seemed like a goodbye message with overt sexual tones, something along the lines of “we had such stimulating conversations...just two creative people getting to know each other...i loved flirting and fantasizing and would have loved to ride your face but we don’t know each other well enough...hope our paths cross again...goodbye” (i’m going off of memory but that was the gist). I initially didn’t make much of it. It could have been read as a monologue so i thought she wrote down a scene or something (there’s plenty of papers around the house with scenes from scripts). But deep down i felt that there was something wrong and the idea that it might have been a real text or email started to dig in my mind.
So i ask her about it, maybe it was a scene she wrote with her friend Jess (fake name). They use our laptop sometimes to write their own stories together so it would have made sense. She didn't remember what it could have been so i ask her if she can confirm it with Jess next time she happens to see her. The day after i realize that the reason why the note is there is because her iphone automatically backups everything on our mac (there were also more mundane notes in there like groceries etc) so i check when the note was uploaded and cross reference it with her texts saved in imessage (luckily also synced from her iphone to the mac). I can't even describe how destroyed i felt looking at all those texts describing how her and this other actor started flirting (later found out he was a famous actor she met a couple of months back on the set of a show she was working on in our city). Starting from light flirting to full on hardcore explicit sexting (no nudes or pics fortunately). Words that to this day i have difficulty to use or hear because they were our sexy nicknames or dirty talk. The conversation ends around the same time that the show ended filming, with the few last texts talking about meeting the actor at the airport for a last goodbye before he had to fly back home. Petrified i keep reading the texts over and over while she in in the other room with Jess still working on their script. Lorelai then leaves to take her carless friend home and when she comes back i ask if she had time to ask Jess about the note. She says that it was probably a draft for a scene but even Jess couldn't remember. So i ask her again if it wasn't a real text meant for someone, she says no. Ask her again, still no. That's when i tell her that i found the whole conversation and that i knew she lied about it all. She starts crying begging me to forgive her for lying, telling me that it's not what i think it is and begging me to listen as she explains. She wasn't wrong afterall. She explains that the actor reached out to her because clearly interested in having a fling while away from home and his fiancé. As soon as she understood his intention she decided to not tell me about it in fear that i would be jealous or feel threatened and instead proceeded to ask her friend Jess for guidance. She suggested that it would have been a good idea to pretend she was into the flirting with the purpose of having writing material for their autobiographical show (the series they are writing is about the experiences they had travelling through europe together and how me and Lorelai fell in love and got married here). It was hard to believe her at first because of how real everything seemed but then both Jess and Lorelai's mom provided screenshots of conversations regarding what she should have replied to the things he said all throughout the duration of the flirt.
That left me with in an unusual situation. I was beyond enraged because of the things she said to him, from what she would do to him, the dirty talking and everything else. But knowing it was all fake didn't allow me to be rightfully angry as i felt i was. It felt like i needed to let out the biggest sneeze of my life but it wouldn't come out. It would just stop there a centimeter from my nostrils. Don't get me wrong i was still angry about the lying and the fact that she went to the airport to say goodbye to him because she wanted to see if it was actually him (she always had a feeling it could have been someone else from the show's crew, since they never saw eachother after the flirt started). It was him indeed. He asked her for at least a kiss since he previously suggested she would come to his room before leaving to consume something more. Not planning on cheating on me she refused to both and just simply said goodbye telling him that she hopes they can work professionally again in the future. Everything checks out with the last texts that i read in the conversation ending with him saying he wished they could have done more than talking but it was ok saying goodbye like this (the initial note i found was just a draft and never really made it into the conversation). To this day the best thing out of all of this is the idea that an objectively attractive Hollywood actor got let down like an idiot for me. Obviously, it's not what i always think about when reminiscing about the whole accident.
The story had a different result. First of all i hated that she felt the need to verify it was him at the airport. I guess a public place was a safe choice but i still don't understand the need for her to verify anything since it was all fake anyway. Then there's the problem that since then my jealousy has skyrocketed and i feel way more threatened by other actors/men because i've seen word for word how it could go down. I'm constantly suspicious of her texting and it completely changes my mood when i think about it.
I forgave her for lying and with couples therapy things got better for the most part but I never bring up to her the fact that i still think about it almost every day. I started comparing myself to other people and feel like shit for not having accomplished as much as other men. This guy produced, wrote directed and acted in his own show for god's sake. I clearly don't see in me what stopped her from actually having a chance to cheat on me with someone famous. I know i wouldn't have done it either because i love her so that must be the reason but i just can't help to think that i'm an average nobody and that sooner or later one day she might see that there's better fishes in the sea that can give her better opportunities. I'm not rich or famous and i can't give her openings in the entertainment industry. I have many good qualities that she loves about me, i always provide everything she needs, emotionally, sexually. We have lots of fun together and i have other creative attributes she loves but i know that i objectively can't compete with what some other men can offer. We are very open with each other and we talk a lot about our feelings so i still naively think she would never cheat on me because she technically didn't.
It got even worst a couple of days ago when the actor reached out again after months of inactivity. He said that he was having fond thoughts of her and thought he would say hello. Lorelai showed me the text immediately and then proceeded to professionally end the new conversation without giving him anything.
To be honest i don't know what to think, i guess i'm lucky that it wasn't real but i can't help to feel more scared and suspicious than ever. The idea she might have flirted with him with me around kills me. But that's not who i want to be. I even had the unhealthy thought of knowingly let her manipulate the actor in exchange for a good word in the future for any big production he might reccommend her for. With the condition of course that the flirt would be only kept written and i would be secretly kept in the loop. That's another set of fears that i'm not prepared to face but i also don't want her to miss any useful opportunity.
Should i talk to her and propose this idea? I deep down know that she wouldn't do anything that i wouldn't be comfortable with but it still scares me. I really don't know what to do... Also on a side note, do you think i'm overreacting? Writing it out is making me thinking about this in a calmer and more detached light and because i've been obsessing about it so much i don't have an objective look on this.
I'm talking about it here because i haven't told anybody about this except for my therapist since i don't want my friends or family, people that know her, to judge her. I believe she was wrong in lying but i also believe her heart was in the right place. A white lie omitted to spare me from a heartache.
TLDR My wife is an actress and was sexting with a famous actor but it turned out that she was faking it to have writing material for an autobiographical series she is writing.
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2020.10.18 23:09 ThrowRAadvice06 Mom home nude
I really need some advice for what to do about my Mom. I'm kinda freaking out.. I saw messages on her ipad from a woman (I've met her before and thought was her friend), but now found out is a lesbian lover. There were lots of messages saying they love eachother and sexual messages. They send nudes.
My parents are married they don't have any issues. I would of never figured she was cheating but I don't know if this counts as cheating. I also NEVER thought she's lesbian or would be into that...
She doesn't know I know. She's out right now, I need to know what to do before she comes home like should I tell my Dad. I don't want to destroy my family if its nothing. How do I keep a secret this big??
PS. I wasn't using the ipad to spy on her she had something in her email from my teacher I needed for my homework due tomorrow cuz I accidently deleted it, the texts notifications came when I was in the email. Also it's her old ipad she lets us use. She must not know imessage is still synced.
TL;DR I saw texts from my moms lesbian lover who I thought was a friend. Does lesbianiam count as a type of cheating? What should I do?
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2020.10.18 22:37 Southern-Primary-593 Home nude mom
I really don’t know what to think anymore. I have OCD and ADHD and I’ve been obsessively thinking over if I am a covert Narc a codependent. I don’t know if I’m a hopeless romantic that pours there all into things or if I “groom” people. I watch obscene amounts of YouTube videos on the subject, talk to my therapist about such, obsess over reddit forums, articles, literature, etc. just to see if I match the descriptions so that If I am that thing I can remove it from myself. It all started in March when a friend sent me an online published article of a guy my age (I’m gay/ gender-fluid) and she insisted that I should reach out to him/ actually try and date more seriously. At first I wasn’t very interested as he wasn’t really my type (I thought he was cute but I typically go for more masculine/ jocky looking guys that are unfortunately emotionally unavailable. After reading the article and feeling deeply moved by it I decided to reach out to him on social media (he also had a bit of online “clout” on twitteinstagram that built up over quarantine) c. March. From the very beginning I didn’t want to hide my intentions and let him know I though he was very cute/ smart (having read his article). He responded back flirtatiously stating he was thinking the same about me. I asked if when things died down COVID wise if I could take him on a coffee date as the college he attended was close to my home and he agreed. We exchanged snapchats and began to chat a bit and overtime developed a sort of friendship/ romantic situationship.
After a couple weeks of us chatting he began to become a bit more sexual (something I kinda wanted to avoid until meeting him) and I excitedly engaged. He commented on my photo taking skills and would say things like “I want to breed you so badly.” (Horny touch starved COVID things lol. Eventually we agreed to FaceTime and we were both obviously nervous but for sure clicked. Overtime it became apparent that though we had a lot of different hobbies, interest, knowledge’s, etc. we had a lot in common and very specifically. We would FaceTime every once in awhile and chat about topics we liked but I always felt like he did a bit more of the controlling the conversation and didn’t always remember to ask me questions, inquire deeper about me, etc. whereas I attempted to do so. I even remember him saying in one of our first FaceTimes that his Ex had just texted him (he was very excited) but wasn’t going to talk about it because he was chatting with a “cute boy” (first red flag). Overtime we’d discuss more and more things and in an attempt to get bit closer to him too a genuine concern in some of his interest that I also thought were cool so that we could get closer and continue to develop the relationship. He would comment on my physical attributes like my hair commenting that “it was the only thing giving him life”, etc. There was also times I remembered him making me feel a bit off such as telling me the celebrity I chose to hypothetically have dinner with was a “waste” and insinuated that I looked more attractive with shorter hair.
It wasn’t until three months in to our “situationship” that I felt like I had developed strong feelings for him and told him wanted to put a more solid descriptor on what we hoped to achieve togethethat he was the only person at this point that I was seriously talking to. He reacted positively and stated he also had a crush on me but wanted to look towards the future and wait to see where our friendship led when we were both in the same location and that he thought I was a really great person. I would always be respectful and agree to wait to progress things but after awhile of us talking everyday, flirting being sexual and opening up a bit deeper little by little I would bring up the conversation of “us” once again and even suggested an open-style realtionship at some point. He continued to assert that he wanted to wait, that I was brave for sharing feelings, that he was talking to a bunch of other guys and that he should’ve made his intent to not want anything clearer from the start but that he was extremely excited to meet me in person and get to know me/ even potentially spend a weekend in a city with me when he could. Looking back I was deluded and he made sure to be clear with where he was at each time we had the conversation but a romantic/sexual air always continued after such and I chose to stay incredibly hopeful. I allowed him to vent to me about things, run ideas/articles past me, offered emotional support when things were hard, etc. and did it with happiness. But he’d also occasionally throw in a comment such as “should I download Grindr?”, etc. that I always chose to look past. We continued to flirt / send nudes to one another close to the time I was leaving to see him.
When things got a little better COVID wise I decided to make a trip out to see him/finally meet and collect what the vibe was / see a few friends from school. As I had been out and about / sexual with an individual who was not him I let him know prior to coming to LA (at this point we’d both made it clear we we’re chatting with other people and we weren’t exclusive so the sex was purely physical and one-night standish) so that if anything physically progressed there would be full transparency. He was accommodating and sweet about all of it especially because I let him know I was scared he’d view me in a different light for acting “recklessly.” He let me know he just wanted to reiterate that while he was extremely excited to meet me he was worried I’d come in trying to be his boyfriend saying “not that I’m opposed to that or anything just not ready to jump in yet” with a winky face and that he wasn’t concerned with the physical as it was our first date and he didn’t want to rush anything.
He was worried a couple days before meeting that he had potentially contracted COVID and told me over the phone that he had cried in the CVS/to his mom about potentially not being able to come. I reassured him regardless if we saw each other or not I was crazy about him and just wanted him to be okay. I wrote him a birthday card, got him his favorite candy and a pair of fun socks. He planned to spend the night in my hotel as there was separate beds). During this time we went outside, smoked a bit of weed, had dinner and discussed a bit more emotional things. There were two things that were a bit strange during our date. 1) A mutual friend of ours swiped up on his story of me and he let me know that they had sex previously and 2) that he LOVED men that treated him like shit (something that broke my heart to hear). That night we talked to his best friend on the phone and her and I got along very well, she blew me a kiss goodbye on the phone and added me directly after we got off. The next day before he left I finally worked up the nerve to ask how he felt about kissing me. He slyly stated “aren’t you not supposed to ask…. I don’t know maybe, I just kinda like the romantic atmosphere we have going with no physical strings attached and just sort of want things to progress naturally and that he didn’t want to be a fuck and chuck” to which I let him know I absolutely wasn’t anticipating sex. We changed the subject immediately and I did not press further and we had a lovely time and hugged goodbye.
After we parted ways I assumed we’d kind of go our own ways emotionally but he only continued to be friendlier and friendlier (which gave me a sense of confusion). His best friend even direct messaged me on instagram and had a conversation with me?After 3ish weeks of us not seeing each other I let him know I missed him and that I wanted to take a poke at seeing where we were. He referred to me as “bby” and let me know he loved me as a very good friend and at that moment in time and in parathseses (for now) I just want to be friends. For a time I was okay with it but after 2 more weeks I was experiencing anxiety/panic attacks around the nature of what “we” were (around 6 months of us talking) I got a bit drunk (big mistake) and impuslvieley let him know I couldn’t continue as such/ just be friends and that it was hurting me. He responded by saying that he felt like we had the conversation 8 times because we had and that if I really felt that way then we should talk. At this point I felt like I fucked up severely by saying something along the lines of telling him that it broke my heart that he had said the thing about men treating him like shit (something I deeply regret as retrospectively that could’ve caused harm) He started to ignore me and two days afterwards he reached out to me at like 2am. I let him know I cared for him and wasn’t angry just hurt and that I wanted time to heal. He agreed and lovingly let me know that when I was ready to be just friends he’d be there. The issue was at this point I loved him/had love for him.
After two weeks of being utterly miserable and having him orbit me on social media I decided to re-reach out and let him know I missed him (another big mistake). He took me back excitedly and we had a beautiful conversation that left me feeling validated and okay with the fact that we’d probably speak less now / he’d be sensitive to the fact of my emotions for him. Unfortunately this was not the case. He reached out to me stating that he was in a crisis and proceeded to let me know he was on both a psychedelic and stimulant, I made sure he was okay and moved on. The following couple days he asked if I had engaged sexually with people during quarantine and if so how many times. I felt strange answering but let him know honestly. He then proceeded to ask me if he thought he should hookup with a person and sent me their pictures/nudes to which I drew a boundary. As time went on I felt a bit used and became very depressed at the outcome as I also saw him flirting with people online. As we were both beginning to have a rough time in our lives I grew very aware of the fact that I did love him very much despite all the confusion but knew he didn’t feel the same at this point. One day I texted him and let him know that I had said “I love you” to him in a dream and that I respected the fact that nothing was going to come of us and that if we didn’t speak after that he had changed me on a unique and personal level. Unshockingly there was no response and I felt like I had said all I needed to say. I was said but at least I knew we wouldn’t keep chatting as things were normal.
The weirdest part is while he didn’t text me anything back he continued to view my social media stories, like my picture and jump on my live stream on instagram something that I’m now aware is called “orbiting.” After liking my picture I confronted him over text letting him know I was sorry for not respecting the boundaries placed about friendship but that I was confused about his social media behavior in correlation to lack of response. He played it down by saying “I did those things cuz we’re friends and if you need more than that then its best if we don’t talk as this is becoming emotionally taxing for me” I agreed and said I understood and asked if I had done something during our trip as things had felt different before. He told me I hadn’t and that It was just extremely clear the feelings I had he did not share. I agreed and validated the fact that he had been very upfront throughout but that he had also said the thing about not being opposed to me acting like his boyfriend just not ready to jump in and that I had gotten in my head that maybe things would progress slowly when we were together IRL but that I had jumped the gun to quickly. I also let him know he was one of the closet people to me during qyuarbtine which was true. I received no response. Saddened but with nothing left to say and embarrassed that I thought more was to come from the orbiting I deleted the thread, his number from my phone and unfollowed him on social media as it was becoming painful to look at (he still follows me/ looks at my story). I’m even more upset by the fact that he is moving to the same place that I am soon and I feel like I have butchered all possibilities of reconciliation and that I have harmed /disrespected him. I have been extremely depressed for days and no longer know what to do. I have also committed to zero rebounds/casual sex for at minimum 4-5months so I have deleted the apps off my phone I don't want to pass a pain torch to anyone else/bring my old baggage in.
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