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The beginning of depression Childhood and life before depression; First experiences of depression; ... I sort of it probably got worse in year 9 because I had to make my choices for GCSE’s. And then it, although everyone says like you don’t need to make decisions about your life now, you don’t need to know what you want to do, by choosing ... ydntk123 Consumer 0 Posts: 10 Joined: Fri Feb 26, 2016 10:21 pm Local time: Tue Sep 08, 2020 2:50 am Blog: View Blog (0) Life can be tough; we all experience difficult obstacles at some point in our lives and to overcome them, we need support and inspiration. r/depression_help provides a platform for you to get the support, advice, inspiration and motivation you need to make the best of your life with the mental illness - depression. The fact that my mother had attacked me with a knife when I was a toddler, leaving me with a tube in my throat for 11 years, didn’t make dealing with the thoughts any easier. The logical part of ... It was an extremely dark, lonely and miserable time when I didn't feel like myself or feel I had anything to live for, I just felt numb and hopeless. Not that this excuses anything, but I believe if I'd had help for my depression and been able to see I wasn't a worthless and broken person, my OCD thoughts might not have gone to such dark places. That's when it got worse, ''But what if it happened but with children?'' that thought alone made me lose my mind. I'm scared to even masturbate anymore, having those intrusive thoughts while masturbating is frustrating and depressing, it makes me hate myself even more. I'm scared that the day I have sex with a man, those thoughts will appear again. Continued Which Children Get Depressed? Up to 3% of children and 8% of adolescents in the U.S. suffer from depression. Depression is significantly more common in boys under age 10. The meds are helping little to none. I stay in my bedroom. I force myself to have what I call bad thoughts to check, which throws me even harder into anxiety. What's worse is I'm writing a campaign for Call of Cthulhu which, before all this started, would involve children disappearing. Now I can't even bear to touch it. What's worse is the ... OCD can make people worry about doing the most shameful things. OCD is much broader and more debilitating than most realize. Of all the forms OCD takes, worries about becoming a pedophile may be ... Hey man, I'm actually on right now because something similar happened to me. I was having an overall good day for OCD, one of my best in five months, and I went to masturbate to porn (age-appropriate obviously) and I suddenly got scared that I would accept the idea of people masturbating to children.

2020.10.10 05:13 throwawayacct100320 Hot mom secret porn

FYI bad at grammar and spelling.
Finally I was able to be ''happy'' with myself, another fear is waiting for me.
I was gay since a little kid, I've always felt attraction towards men. I think I had sexual orientation OCD when I was 10 years old, I'm 16 now. I would cry myself to sleep or contemplate suicide numerous times. Imagine a 10 year old wanting to commit suicide because of something that was not his choice? That's the result of homophobia. My parents taught us homosexuality as something unnatural and sinful. The thought of being gay along with intrusive thoughts of men was horrifying and made me feel disgusted and depressed. I've always asked myself ''Why did God make me like this?'' I always knew I was gay now that I think of it, just in denial. Eventually I accepted myself and finally that OCD went away, because I accepted my biggest fear, being gay.
I've been doing good since quarantine up until now. I'd sing all day and watch a gay movie every night. You could say I was ''happy.'' One day I looking for gay movies to watch and came up with ''For a lost soldier'' which I didn't even knew what it was about but knew it was great reviewed. As I kept watching I said to myself, ''Isn't this romanticizing pedophilia?'' It was about a 13 yr boy having a romance with a 20 yr soldier! I'm gonna be honest here, I found it arousing that such a hot man had that kind of thing with a boy, I mean, I fantasized about a hot guy having that kind of relationship with me when I was young. That's when the thought of ''Are you a p?'' came to my mind, I quickly wiped it off. Fuck, if I hadn't been so stupid, I wouldn't have watched that movie.
Few days passed, I had a terrible nightmare about an adult having sexual intercourse with a little boy, I woke up HORRIFIED AND DISGUSTED, didn't even knew if I found it hot or had a boner, which triggered me to death. This was the second time it had happened, the first time I didn't even paid much attention to because I didn't feel like I was a pedo, but the second time triggered me. Since that day, everything went to the same dreadful days and nights of that scared, depressed, closeted boy. I sometimes tell myself to not worry since I don't feel sexually attracted or any kind of attraction towards children, nor urges! But then the next moment, at the back of my head, something asks me ''But what if?'' I think I had those nightmares because of something that I must have read or watch about pedophilia that same day or past days that made me had those nightmares. Same thing happened when I used to fear of being gay, I had wet dreams of hot men having sex, waking up terrified and disgusted.
Before continuing I would like to add that one day I was bored of watching gay porn so I forced myself and scrolled to the straight side. Not gonna lie, it took a while to find some of the women there hot. Eventually I masturbated to it a couple times due to horniness. I still feel like I'm gay, I don't feel the same attraction I have with men when I watch women, I don't get a boner when I see women in bikini, I just find it hot when a see a beautiful woman getting fucked.
That's when it got worse, ''But what if it happened but with children?'' that thought alone made me lose my mind. I'm scared to even masturbate anymore, having those intrusive thoughts while masturbating is frustrating and depressing, it makes me hate myself even more. I'm scared that the day I have sex with a man, those thoughts will appear again. What if I find it hot like I did while watching women? What if I ever become a pedo?
Just now, I remember being 11-12 yrs horny me reading sex stories and I came across this post about a man going to a secret place where he had sex with boys with ages ranging from 6-16 and I got a boner from reading that and found it hot. Didn't knew if it was true nor paid much attention to it at that time, but now remembering it horrifies me to death.
The thing that depresses me the most is knowing that I'll never be able to look at children the same way, even though I have no sexual desires nor attraction to them. Even if one day I'm able to overcome 99% of my POCD, there will always be this 1% reminder that I used to have this disorder or these intrusive thoughts. There will always be that thought far deep at the back of your head reminding what you used to suffer. Why would a normal person have these thoughts? JUST MONSTERS THINK THAT! You're a sick person. I just want to move on and forget that I even had this disorder.
Today has been a rollercoaster, I told myself that bad people like pedos don't think they're doing something wrong, you're not attracted to them, you're not even a pedo! Felt okay for 10 minutes. Next minutes, I'm drained, sad, and anxious, knowing that I have this disorder. My biggest fear is becoming what I fear the most. I fear that this situation will be the exact same thing as accepting my homosexuality. I always fear that in a future I will find sexual attraction towards children, and it's debilitating me. I will be able to overcome this if I accept myself as a pedo, or I will not be able to overcome and forget about this if I'm not a pedo.
Just when I didn't dread my existence while waking up for quite sometime.... It came again. Those depressing and anxious days and nights of that 10 year old boy came back to the 16 year old boy. I don't even know what to do anymore. I can't even watch gay coming out stories or movies with enjoyment or pride anymore because my fucking mind will always relate LGBTQ content with pedophilia which is WRONG! One is a sexual orientation and the other one is a mental sickness! But somehow I always relate them! What if I come out as a pedophile like I did with my homosexuality to overcome this? These thoughts make me feel utterly disgusted with myself, how the f am I going to relate my community, who has fought so hard for human rights, to this horrible mental illness which has no place in society?!
I can't express how I feel with anyone, even with my mom, she'll think I'm sick. She doesn't even know I'm gay, I'm struggling with everything. Just when I had positive thoughts about my future finding the man of my dreams and having kids, there's always this one fucked up thing waiting to screw over my head. My brain can't take a fucking break. It's and endless cycle of depression, self-disgust, and anxiety all over again. I'll have to keep this to myself until I'm able to afford a therapist or a psychiatrist.
POCD, fuck you.
submitted by throwawayacct100320 to OCD [link] [comments]


2020.10.07 07:14 Taiwanchill My very special bathtub trip - (O-PCE, 4-aco-dmt, 4-ho-met, 3-ho-pcp, 2c-c, DMT, cannabis)

Background: Had maybe 20 psychedelic experiences from ages 20-23. Quit for a few years. Age 25 - decided to get a “real job” so I could settle down and live a “normal” life with wife and kids. Became a teacher. Age 29. Started dabbling again.
Christmas Break 2019. I’ve been using psychedelics and dissociatives every week or two for a few months now. I’ve realized I don’t want to teach anymore during those months. That I need to start my own company and bum around a lot more.
I’ve been reading a book lately called “Radical Honesty” by Dr. Brad Blanton. Essentially, the idea is that all of our problems are because we lie. We start lying in adolescence. We present a version of ourself to the world and keep our real self to ourselves. Lying becomes a trap because you can’t be you! Be free! This message hit me hard. I’ve really been hiding. I knew a had to start telling the truth. I was struggling with how difficult that would be with my parents in particular. My biggest secret was my drug use and it was going to be a shocker. I had to share that world with them though. I had to share how these things had changed me for the better.
In the midst of all this, I acquired some DMT. I had tried to break through on it a time or two now, and had yet to be successful. A few weeks ago, as the noise in my ears is rising and rising, signaling I must be close this time - my bedroom door flies open and I exhale in bewilderment. My bedroom window was open and my door was not fully closed. The wind created suction which blew the door open. Fine - but at the same time - WHOA THE DOOR LITERALLY JUST BLEW THE FUCK OPEN?? I did not attempt again that day. I was rattled.
Fast forward a few weeks - its the first day of Christmas break, and I’m ready to try again. I get close, again the noise rising in my ears. But I hold myself back. I’m scared! But I also know that the DMT world is church and I have to go to confession first dammit. I have to incorporate this Radical Honesty into my life. I’d been working on it recently. I told my bosses I didn’t want to teach anymore. I’d had some real conversations with my friends. I need to tell my parents what’s up. I also need to keep being honest with myself. To work through some more shit. So I set the intention that this day will be a therapy day. One activity suggested in Radical Honesty is to film yourself telling your life story. I thought, I can do that today! And so it began. Very quickly I hit upon some things I’d gotten stuck on as a teenager, and I was able to trace those things back to incidents in my childhood. I was crying. I was screaming. I was really getting somewhere here.
Then I had the idea to help this therapy along even more. I figure if I’m getting this far without drugs, just imagine where I could get to with them! And by “without drugs” I mean that I was already quite baked… and on maybe 10-15 mg o-pce. So I pop a bomb I’d been saving up: somewhere around 50 mg each 4-aco-dmt, 4-ho-met, 2c-c, and 30 mg 3-ho-pcp. I keep filming myself tell my problems. Very soon, I realize I’ve really done it this time. It’s really coming on strong. I draw a bath.
For the longest time in the bathtub, I just let the water flow over my feet and down the drain. I didn’t have the stopper in and really didn’t see a need. In fact, I knew this was the fountain of life and it was my job to keep it running. I remember the water being really hot. I had not turned the cold water knob at all. Water that usually would have scalded me is pouring over my feet and it feels good.
I cried and screamed some more and resolved the personal issues I’d been dealing with for the time being. I felt so relieved.
The water is still flowing….Suddenly I am Jesus on the Cross, and this sensation on my feet is the nails being driven through them. Jesus?? I am Jesus??? I did not expect to see Jesus. Jesus and I have a weird relationship. I grew up very Baptist. Christian School K-8th grade. Then turned away from God completely around age 16. Rediscovered a completely new concept of God in the Utah desert on Syrian Rue and Mushrooms around age 22… but Jesus and I were never really cool again. I geared more toward Hinduism , Eastern Mysticism, and Western Hermeticism. I expected Krishna, Shiva, the devil himself maybe - but Jesus?? Okey doke…. So I am Jesus. And as I’m up there on the cross, I take on all the suffering of the world. I see it all. All the nastiness. All the death. And I look at it all with only compassion. They are me too. Those nailing me to the cross - they are me too. It all has to be this way.
Another vision strikes as the scalding water pours over my feet, without burning them - what if I go grab the bottle of LYE underneath my sink, pour it in this tub, and dissolve my body right fucking now.
Another vision: I’m an old southern black woman who is soaking in her own stew. Add a dash of salt and pepper. A lemon (actually a sponge) floats on by. I nibble on it. Every fiber on the green scrubby side of the sponge is a thread of time making up the universe. And I’m chewing on it. And my husband is in the other room. An old black man who is maybe George Clinton? Maybe just the creator of funk/ funk personified? (What’s the difference?) Or was…that me?
At some point around here I put the stopper in the tub and it starts to fill.
Now I’m an Indian grandfather who has slipped in the shower again, and gotten all tangled up in the shower curtain. I call my wife to help. She comes in - “Oh baba”. This is our relationship. I fall in the shower (amongst other foolishnesses) and she helps me out.
Now the faucets and knobs are turning into dicks. My best friend’s dick to be specific. This was weird. Sure I watch transsexual lady porn sometimes but that’s the most (edit: into wieners) I get. Pretty (edit: into wieners), I know, but certainly I’ve never felt any kind of positive way about his wiener , or any wiener on any (edit: traditionally masculine) body for that matter. But there his four dicks were, right there on my wall……
Now I’m Honey Boo Boo. I’m the biggest spoiled brat who refuses to come out of her dressing room at curtain call.
Now I’m Robert J. Heinlein bitch - where’s my scotch?! Robert Heinlein’s book “Stranger in a Strange Land” is sitting on top of my toilet. I’ve been flying through it leading up to this trip. Lots of water in that book….
I’d also been jamming Aquaboogie by Parliament on repeat for the past few weeks. I was sure it was a coded message telling me that the big secret of it all was that people can actually breathe water. Death isn’t real. Drowning isn’t real. We can swim and be free like dolphins if we just believe! Something like that. I go under to take a breath of water, thinking I am either committing suicide or am on the verge of realizing the great secret. I definitely was breathing underwater that night…. *shrug*
Now I am a whale! Or a grandpa pretending he is a whale. I’m going underwater and I’m coming up and spraying it everywhere, just to make my grandkids laugh. The grandkids are a couple of my students who are there to visit (not actually).
My coworkers, fellow teachers, are also there (not really). They are all waiting for me in the living room. All my friends are. They love me. I love them. I have to keep the water flowing and they know that so they aren’t bugging me.
It’s all so clear. I’m supposed to marry my super hot coworker who I hardly talk to and don’t much care for. She’s a real judgmental preacher’s daughter. It makes sense though because I’m supposed to start a church called “The Church” and I’m supposed to spread a message of psychedelics and love. And since we will be an official church in the US, we will be legally allowed to use our three sacraments - Cannabis, mushrooms and DMT. And our services aren’t really preachy events - they are dance parties.
…..
Now I am God. Creator of all. But wait…. tricked you! I’m the devil!! A malevolent being which is in truth the creator of all. And all is painful eternal illusion. But wait… that reality the Devil exists in?- that’s part of God too. And I am THAT! I am GOD! But wait!! That’s merely illusion. Got you again sucker. I’m the Devil and existence is infinite suffering.
——
Then I realized I am both. We are one and the same.
Then I am a creature who has experienced all of LIFE. I am the oversoul waking up in a petri dish in a laboratory that’s furnished like an interdimesnional IKEA, surrounded by beings that look like doctors in white coats. They are all so proud of me. I have learned all there was to learn. I experienced EXISTENCE. I was all of it. Then I realized that was all preparation for whatever is beyond this. The real mystery. And my petri dish converted into a rocket ship that was preparing to blast off into the great beyond. I knew all at that point, except for what was beyond.
Somewhere in here, time stopped, as it tends to do when I trip real hard. What does that mean? It means I just know that it’s all coming to an end. This is it. I experience kind of a summing up of either my whole life, or the life of ALL, and then I know it’s done. I’ve found the way out. This is what you were looking for big boy! and you found it! Sure you want to take it?? And I always decide to come back. Life is just so beautiful. I want one more kiss. Life is my lover and I am “I AM” and were are in this great never-ending chase and it’s so exquisitely beautiful. I kiss the bathtub. It is a temple to my beloved.
This time - this time though… it was all done, and I was good with that. I closed my eyes and let go.
I guess that’s when I noticed the knocking. Someone was really beating down my door. Oh crap - this amazing new semi-aquatic environment I’ve been marveling at is just a flooded bathroom. I’m so lucky the dog didn’t get hurt. There was a space heater plugged into the wall sitting in the water on the floor.
Are the cops here? What if they find all my drugs?! I could go to jail FOREVER! SHOULD I JUST BURN THE WHOLE FUCKING BUILDING DOWN?!?!?
I got dressed. It took a few minutes. I had to pick the right outfit. My shower curtain should do! *rips it off the wall*. No no - that’s silly. But while I’m at it… let’s test this “I can’t get hurt/ die” theory some more. I proceed to try to cut off my pinky toe with the shower curtain rod. Couldn’t do it. I guess I am invincible after all. Oh shit - they’re still knocking.
Maybe I’ll wear this roll of paper towels?! I’ll look like an angel in his white robe! Fitting. *drapes roll of paper towels over shoulder and watches it drop onto flooded bathroom floor*. Whoops! Guess not! I know! Cowboy boots! *Puts on cowboy boots*. Wait! I need pants on first! Finally, I answer the door with my jeans and cowboy boots on. It was maintenance. My downstairs neighbor’s apartment is flooded.
I’m so grateful the maintenance men are here. Things have taken a bad turn and here are my two best friends… in the bodies of these maintenance men… come to rescue me! I stand in front of one of the maintenance guys screaming my best friend’s name. Will!! WILLLL!!!! He turns to me. “My name is Eric”…. Oh…..
My dog got out when they came in. It was ok I told them. She always does that. In fact, I knew this was the start of another great adventure. I was to leave my apartment forever with nothing but the clothes on my back, to chase my dog (my love - life, god, all of existence) around the world, again.
She runs outside. I… can’t even leave. It’s fucking cold outside. I sit down on the couch…. things are going wrong. How could they be? They were so right!!
I finally really snap out of it as I watch the poor guys carry a shop vac after shop vac full of water past me, out the door. My dog came right back upstairs after pissing outside. My next door neighbor has brought her in. I yell at him “Close the door! Thank you! Thank you!!! Please just close the door.” I’m hugging my dog, so so grateful she is safe.
My bathroom looks bad. Carpets are soaked leading up to it. It appears as though the sink and toilet area of the floor are sinking and could cave in at any moment.
Half an hour or so passes (maybe?) before I can go downstairs and see what’s up. The ceiling looks like it could pop. They are still vacuuming up water off the floor. My neighbor is moving furniture around - placing them in front of fans. I apologize profusely. I hug him. He is mad but he isn’t beating me up and nobody is hurt so that’s good. I didn’t burnt the place down! Yes! I go back upstairs to try to sleep. The dog had pissed on my bed.
I get maybe 3 hours of broken sleep that night and maybe 3 more hours of tossing and turning.
The next morning, I drove to my parents’ house and told them everything. I had to now. My apartment was flooded. I’m not going to try to hide that. Ain’t no backing out now! And that was the main takeaway I got from all of this. I went and told them everything. They were shocked - but we are closer now. Oh yeah. Neither mine nor my neighbor’s apartments were really too damaged. Just $100 fee to replace some carpet padding. The floor wasn’t actually sunken and his ceiling and furniture were all fine.
I learned…. a fucking lot from this whole thing. I learned not to go so fucking hard I guess. That was too much… I guess. Or…. wrong mindset I guess. I learned to be reallllllly careful when taking a bath while tripping.I learned drugs are indeed a wonderful tool for dealing with unresolved childhood traumas.
Edit: oh yeah. The next day my mom and I drove 200 miles back to my place to throw out all my drugs.
I was in major manic euphoria mode for the next two months. I starting living more out loud. More free. I started looking people in the eye again. I had direction in life. I had purpose. I was still alive!!! And so was my beloved puppy. I’ll never let anything like that happen to her again. I’m so grateful we are both ok and that ultimately I’m better for the whole thing.
After two months or so, I crashed…HARD. I dragged up some issues from the past with some homies to more fully resolve them, and they did not want to talk about them. Lost some friends. Realllllly stressed about it. I also had to fulfill my duties as teacher for the rest of the school year. It was tough to live that life, that lie, anymore now that I knew what I really needed to be doing, which was not that.
And now here we are! The school year just let out. Riding high once more babies! Here's a fun trip report from yesterday.
Thanks for reading!
Edit: TLDR: took a whole lot of drugs, had an amazing cathartic experience in my bath tub, flooded the place and could have really done some damage. LEARNED FROM MY MISTAKES (CAUSE THIS IS HOW YOU LEARN PEOPLE). Still making mistakes and still learning cause I’m a human being!! Glad to hear y’all don’t ever fuck up big time.
(Edit: tldr continued: ok fine.... triggered a psychotic break and a manic episode resulting in severe depression a couple of months later. Depression seems less than it was before this trip though and I see light at the end of the tunnel. I’m making moves to take care of my mental and physical health. Moving back in with parents to sort out money while I start my business. And I just ended my school year so I’m partying hard, possibly triggering another manic period, albeit no psychotic break so far! Not partying as hard as that night. And really just celebrating a bit and getting some of it out of my system before I’m back with my parents. I hear y’all. I’m gonna see a therapist. Thanks y’all.)
Side note: I’m fully aware I’m bipolar and that night triggered a major manic episode. I also believe that depression can be one’s brain letting them know that something is amiss in their lives. I think mania can result from fixing the problem or having some kind of breakthrough on it and I value my manic episodes lol. It’s like the rubber band has been pulled so taught the depressive way, it now has to sling back hard the other way. Over time, as I fix things, as I start living my inside self outside all the time, I seem to get less depressed. So I think it’s working.
I hear lots of negativity about my decision to leave teaching and try this new thing. Do I know it’s foolish to quit my job to follow this new dream? Sure. But do I have to take a chance and see where it takes me, even if it’s not where i currently envision? Absolutely.
FINAL EDIT: so I got a lot people telling me I’m an irresponsible ass/ severely bipola maybe psychotic. Do I not divulge all that myself? Do I not divulge my guilt about the whole thing? That night was rock bottom. (Before all that, it was fucking fun though! It can be both fun and super reckless and dangerous. Yeah. It can.) and I can remember that night with remorse and with a smile. I learned a lot. I worked through a bunch of shit. That’s a good thing.
I know the tone of this came off awful smug for the first more than half of it.... Like I’d taken as many drugs as I could and learned all their was to know and got away with it when all was said and done. Well.... yes! Thank god! But then it got really bad and I fully own up to all that. I don’t recommend it to anyone. I don’t actually think I learned all there was to know either lol. I know everything presented to me was not the answer. I’m more just grateful that everyone is ok and I have a fun story to tell about it six months later. I. Know. It. Was. Dumb. I. Know. I’m. Bipolar. I. Know. Drugs. Exacerbate. The. Mania. But lord is it better than the depression and y’all it seems like it’s fucking helping.
I also know the drugs can’t fix everything. They are a tool. They can be misused. They can only help me on the path. They are not the path. I get all that.
I’m not like that all the time. I’m not like that every trip. That night was a real wake up call.
I don’t believe everything I “learned” that night. I’m not marrying the preacher’s daughter. I’m not starting a church. I am quitting my teaching job, which hasn’t made me happy from the start, and starting a clothing brand. Yeah. Not world-changing. Fine. But it’s what I want to try so fuck all y’all. I’ll probably fall flat on my face. But guess what. I’ll get up and try again. I didn’t need the drugs to tell me that I was depressed as I’d ever been and it was partially because I’d gotten myself into a career that didn’t fucking fit. I had good intentions when I started. I also wanted to make my parents happy. And probably to get laid. It didn’t work lol. It didn’t bring me the peace I need. It sent me hard the other way. So I quit. I love those kids and am so so glad I got to spend the time with them that I did. I know I touched a couple of lives in a positive way and I don’t regret my time teaching at all. It was just a step on the path.
I’d like to word my takeaways a little differently after hearing what you guys had to say. This was DEFINITELY too many drugs in too high a quantity. I should have had a trip sitter if I wanted to go that hard, and better to keep the substances to like 1-4. I agree with all that. I’m not gonna drive anymore like that either. (Related recent post). I don’t know what I was thinking. I’m still fucking up. But still learning!
A month or two before all this, my parents, our dogs and I were in a car wreck. No I wasn’t on drugs. I wasn’t at fault. But if we had pulled out of that parking lot just a quarter second earlier, we all would have been gone. That day triggered me taking steps on my new path just as much as the drugs. I could really go any time. Why am I doing something that makes me sooooooo unhappy? Well I’m not anymore. And if the next thing makes me unhappy too, because the unhappy actually comes from within, then so be it. I’m one step closer to it. Happy is the wrong word. How about “at peace”.
Ok I guess that’s it. Thanks y’all.

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2020.10.01 18:59 forestshrubs Hot mom secret porn

The year is 1863, where Abraham Lincoln sits in the white house in his favorite chair by himself, looking gloomy as usual. He was trying his best to abolish slavery, dammit! He needed more respect! And there was also a goddamn war going on, and he needed more respects for that, too. He was tired, 6-foot-4 president.
"It sucks to be me right now!" Abe exclaimed. "There's a war going on, people hate me, I've got constipation, and my kids hate me. I don't wanna be here. My wife just chased me around the whitehouse with a knife in her hand. I hate her! I hate her!"
A lightning storm began brewing, making Abraham Lincoln smile. He loved this kind of stuff.
He sighed and relaxed in his chair, thinking about the war. It was making him impatient, but he had a feeling it was coming close to an end. But that's not all he was thinking about. He was thinking about the weirdest thing that ever happened to him in his life. And it happened while he and his wife were having intercourse…
FLASHBACK
"Give me some of that tasty dick!" screamed Mary Lincoln before she impaled herself on Lincoln's erect four-incher.
"Oh Abe, yes!" cried Mary Lincoln as she rode his dick. She howled in ecstasy as her hubby's dick penetrated her uterus and rubbed against her cervical labial and vaginal walls.
"Oh yeah, Mary!" he had cried out. "I-I'm on the brink!"
Suddenly, the door swung open, to reveal their shocked, gaping sons, Robert and Tad. Robert's mustache twitched in a strange fashion while Tad looked in interest to see his mom riding his dad's dick.
"Whoa!" the nine year old exclaimed. "That's some crazy shit! I thought you guys were getting attacked! You guys sure are loud!"
"Get out!" screamed Mary Lincoln, jumping off of Abe's dick. "How dare you barge in?"
"The door was open, mom."
"Get out!" Mary Lincoln screamed.
"But mom-
"GET OUT YOU FUCKERS!" screamed Mary Lincoln grabbing a broom. "GET THE FUCK OUT, NOW!" As she walked toward her children holding the broom in her hand, her gigantic fat tits jiggled like jell-o, making Tad giggle.
"Geez, mom," said Tad. "You could walk with your tits!"
"SHUDDAP MUTHAFUCKA!" screamed Mary Lincoln, taking a swipe at the broom. Tad screamed and ran out of the room.
Robert stared at his naked parents in shock before turning around and letting the biggest, juiciest fart anybody could ever hear.
"Did you just shit yourself?" asked Mary Lincoln.
"Oh goddamn…" Robert said whinily before leaving the room, closing the door behind him.
"Damn!" cried Mary Lincoln. "Looks like Robert has swamp-ass."
And then they finished the night with Mary Lincoln riding his dick and projectile-lactating all over the walls in orgasm.
END OF FLASHBACK
What a night that was. Secretly, Abe enjoyed the moment when his kids barged in on he and his wife fucking. Yes, it was weird, but it was cool in some weird way.
Suddenly, something weirder happened. A dark aura filled the room, and in the center of the aura was a dark purple hole.
"Whoa, what the hell?" asked Abe. Then, he got sucked in.
Abe Lincoln screamed ass he felt himself propel forward in another year. The year was…2014!? What the…He was time traveling? How was this happening?
Suddenly, he felt himself drop onto some shaggy carpeting, the same carpet in the oval office! Abe got up and looked around. He was back in the white house. Wha…? Was he having a dream?
He walked over to the desk where the president sat, and saw that his name wasn't on the plaque! Instead it said "Barack H. Obama".
"Who the hell is that asshole?" asked Abraham Lincoln, looking around, still. "And I sense he's a democrat, even worse!"
Suddenly, the doors leading to the oval office flew open, and there stood Barack Obama in all his glory.
'Oh my god,' though Abe Lincoln. "It's Barack Obama, and he's black! I guess maybe I did abolish slavery.'
Obama stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Abraham Lincoln.
"Holy shit, it's Abe Lincoln!" yelled Barack Obama.
"Holy shit, a black president!" yelled Abraham Lincoln.
Barack Obama walked over Abe Lincoln and put his hand on Abe's shoulder.
"I've been expecting you," said Barack, grinning. "I rigged up a time machine so I could bring you to a new century. I actually saved your life. If I didn't make you time travel, you would have been assassinated by John Wilkes Booth in 1865."
Abe Lincoln nodded his head. "I always though John was a lil' bastard," said Abe, nodding. "Holy cow, that's intense. Thank you for saving my life."
Barack looked "up" at the tall president and smiled again. "There's also another reason I brought you here."
"There is?" asked Abe.
"Yeah," said Barack. "And it's because my wife, Michelle Obama is being a bitch-ass ho again, and is sleeping with John McCain instead of me! That lady is cheatin' on me, Abe!"
Abe just stared blankly at him. "So how come I'm here, then?"
Obama gave an arrogant swagger and smiled, showing all his teeth.
"I haven't had sex with a man before, so I wanted to try it…" said Obama. "And with my wife bein' a bitch and not noticing me, it'll work out!"
Abraham looked at him like Barack had just let the biggest fart in history.
"Whaa…?" Abe said.
Barack Obama gave him a hug. "Please Abe? Oh, and everybody in history knows the gay relationship you had with Speed."
Abraham Lincoln almost wanted to scream, but he just kept it to swallowing a big gulp.
"How did you know that?"
"Because we've got so many history books, Abe," said Barack Obama.
Abe was wondering how the hell there could be history books about him being assassinated, abolishing slavery, and all that other junk if he was standing here right now! How was this all happening?
He wasn't sure if he wanted to think about it.
Barack Obama suddenly kissed him on the cheek. "Let's go to my bedroom. I've got some err…cologne for you to try out and I want to see if you like it."
"Okay," said Abe Lincoln, falling in love with Barack Obama.
They walked to the presidents bedroom, and it was a beautiful place!
"I'll be right back to get the cologne…" said Barack Obama. "Oh, and uh…feel free to get naked if you wish. I'll just uh…be back in a minute!" Barack rushed in the bathroom, leaving Abe Lincoln by himself in the presidents bedroom. He smiled. And the president asked him to get naked! Boy, he would be naked all right!
He took off all his clothes and masturbated to the thought of him and Barack in bed together NUDE. He got under the covers so he could surprise Barack Obama when he came back. Boy oh boy, this was going to be awesome!
Abraham smiled when he saw Obama come out of the bathroom with some cologne. He still had all his clothes on. 'Damn,' though Abe.
Barack Obama knew right away Abraham Lincoln had taken off all his clothes, as his clothes were all over the floor, and it looked like he was masturbating in the bed. 'Oh boy!' Barack Obama thought. 'This is great! He's following up with my plan!'
Obama smiled back.
"Oh hoho, your clothes are on the floor," said Obama, slyly.
'Not much of a surprise anymore,' Abe thought. 'Shit!'
Obama put his hands on his belt. "I'm horny, Abe. You can come out of the covers. I don't mind."
Abraham Lincoln resisted for a moment, but the seductive voice of Barack Obama was turning him on. He slowly pulled the covers down and revealed himself to Barack.
Barack Obama looked down at the other president. Abe had very long, hairless, skinny legs, interesting arms, a scrawny chest, thin stomach, and just an average-size penis. Nothing very special about it.
"Wow," Obama said, looking at Abe's body. "You're just average."
Abraham Lincoln felt insulted. He looked at Obama. Obama seemed like he was skinny, too! So why was he mocking the him?
"Let me see what YOU look like then," said Abe.
"Okay," said Barack Obama, slipping off all his clothes until he was nude.
Abraham Lincoln was shocked beyond belief.
Barack Obama was muscular, everywhere. He had big, muscular arms with veins, a HUGE barrel chest, an awesome six-pack HUGE thighs, muscular legs, and a well-endowed twenty-three inch long cock.
"Holy shit!" Abe exclaimed.
Obama smiled. "Thank you. My wife said I could've been a porn star. Better then Ron Jeremy. But I just decided to become the prez, since I didn't have anything else to do."
Abraham Lincoln just stared.
Obama grasped his huge meat in both his hands. "This makes Michelle Obama's pussy squirt like crazy. She's like a big milk machine when it happens! I've given her so many orgasms, Abe, it hurts."
Abraham Lincoln's anticipation had suddenly gone away. Seeing Barack's huge cock was now making him frightened. Jesus Christ, the thing was a goddamn monster! Would it fit? Abraham Lincoln was suddenly very frightened.
"Will it fit?" he asked, nervously.
"Let's find out!" Obama exclaimed, before climbing on the bed, flipping the other president over, and shoved his big cock in Abe's ass.
Abraham Lincoln screamed bloody murder.
"Barack Obama!" exclaimed Abe. "You're huge meaty cock is ripping my sensitive hemorrhoids!"
Barack Obama ignored him, and kept pounding into the other president. Suddenly, Abe's pain had gone away, and it turned into pleasure! This was incredible. He didn't want Barack Obama to stop pounding his ass. This was better than his wife's hot cunt. Hell, this is better than sleeping with Speed! He kept gyrating hid hips back into Obama's cock so they could meet up. It was arousing Obama a lot, too. The tightness of Abe's ass was making him as horny as Casanova and Vlad the Impaler combined. God this was epic.
"Yo Abe…I've never felt a much tighter asshole in my entire life," said Barack Obama.
"How many assholes have you even penetrated?" asked Abe in shock.
"Oh, lots and lots and lots," said Barack. "You won't believe how many prostitutes I've fucked before I married Michelle."
Abraham Lincoln gasped. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. It made his stomach turn to mush just thinking about it! He elicit a small cough before wriggling his body back and forth a little bit.
"Are you okay?" asked Barack.
"Ugh…" said Abe. "Your dick is just so large. I'm surprised you haven't killed anybody with it. And are you taking steroids, JESUS! And Jesus Christ, your breathe smells like tobacco!"
"I smoke, idiot," said Barack, thrusting repeatedly, thrusting against Lincoln's prostate.
"Oh…I didn't know people…or presidents I should say still did that," said Abe, slightly confused.
Barack Obama was close to orgasm, but he was trying to hold back by talking politics with this strange yet intelligent president.
"You think that's the problem right now?" asked Barack. "The economy is going to hell right now! Hell, congress is going to hell right now! I'd rather be in your place in time than mine."
"Oh don't say such a thing!" scolded Abe. "Believe me, I've had to go through some tough shit being president. I was president during a war FOR FUCKS SAKE."
"I know that. So am I," said Barack Obama. "We're in war with Iraq and Afghanistan."
"What're those places?"
"Nevermind…"
The rest was silence of thrusting except with a few occasional moans, mostly from Barack…but then…
"OH GOD!" screamed Obama. "SO CLOSE! GODDAMN SO CLOSE!"
"You asshole!" cried Abraham Lincoln. "I haven't even been properly stimulated, yet!"
"I don't care," said Obama. "You had your chance! But don't worry…I'll give you something else…later."
And then…Barack Obama came.
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2020.10.01 17:38 throwaway_2142382354 Mom secret porn hot

Throw away account (obviously) and a LONG post (sorry! I started writing and it all just came gushing out...).
A few months ago, I (35/HLM) decided to swallow my pride and search for answers online for the lack of intimacy in my marriage. As I'm sure everyone here is aware, the rabbit hole that is Google took me all over the web, but I kept seeing links to Reddit, which I had avoided until now (nothing against it, I'm just not much of an internet person).
Wow. Not only did my situation have a NAME, but there were hundreds of thousands of members in this community (I'm sure some are duplicates, but I digress). I've been lurking (I have a love/hate relationship with that word) here for a few months, reading other people's stories, successes, and failures, and I've realized that I could probably actually write a very long and accurate post here by just copying and pasting paragraphs from other posts....I can't say that there's been a single post that fit me like a glove, but aggregating experiences has produced an uncanny resemblance to my current situation (with the exception of my origin story, which I'll go into now for context).
DISCLAIMER: I've made some grievous mistakes that I regret literally every single day, everything from words (or lack thereof) to actions. What I write here may trigger some of you, and I apologize in advance...I just need to get this out there and vent since I have no one else to safely bounce my experiences off of besides my counselor. So, without further ado...
My relationship with my wife (38/LLF) began 13 years ago (not innocently enough...), when she was still with her older BF at the time who was a complete dick to her and actually had a secret family behind her back, and CONSTANTLY cheated on her, whether it was on work trips or just when she was out working or at school. Our relationship grew very organically, and she made the first moves on me (which I loved). I had never been involved with someone who was attached before, and the thrill of the forbiddingness of it all brought everything to a new level. Well, a few months in he figured it out, and broke up with her, which she was actually excited about so we wouldn't need to sneak around anymore. This is a crucial moment, because I really liked her (she was quickly becoming my best friend, and we seemed it hit it off on everything), but also wasn't ready to settle down with a single partner.
Enter my emotional shortcomings. I grew up in a very strict military household where sharing your opinions and thoughts were encouraged as long as they were the exact same as my parents. I became extremely good at bottling up emotions and opinions, and was TERRIBLE at being honest with myself and others on how I'm feeling and what's going on in my head. So, despite these warnings in my head, I did my best to match her enthusiasm as we officially became a couple. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED hanging out with her and talking with her, and like most new relationships, the sex and intimacy was amazing, even if I noticed a lack of enthusiasm for foreplay and other non-PIV actions. That was okay at the time though, because we were doing it 1-2 times a week, maybe a little less, and the actual sex was fantastic. However, I still had plans for my education and career, which involved moving to another state to finish up my undergraduate degree (this was always out in the open, she knew my goals). She became very upset at this, and told me how selfish it was to leave her like that given our situation, so I made some passing comment about her moving to said state with me while I finished up school, and she jumped on the idea. I had a lot of mixed emotions about this, but of course being the good military brat that I was, I kept them to myself.
I ended up enjoying living with her more than I thought I would (this was my first time living with a SO), and we were basically in our honeymoon phase at this point, so we definitely had a lot of fun. But, I started to notice things in her personality that rubbed me the wrong way. She didn't like my friends, and subtly started removing me from their sphere of influence. Female friends all of a sudden became an absolute no-no, to the point where I couldn't even tell her about having to work with other females in school on a strictly "let get this assignment shit done and go home" basis. "Just talk to her, be honest and open!" you say?
How familiar are you with the enneagram scale on personality? I've found it to be much more accurate with characterizing people and their behavior than the oft-lauded acronyms. My wife (GF at this point in time) is an equal mix between a 1 (The Reformer - The Rational, Idealistic Type: Principled, Purposeful, Self-Controlled, and Perfectionistic) and an 8 (The Challenger - The Powerful, Dominating Type: Self-Confident, Decisive, Willful, and Confrontational). I am equal parts 9 (The Peacemaker - The Easygoing, Self-Effacing Type: Receptive, Reassuring, Agreeable, and Complacent) and 7 (The Enthusiast - The Busy, Fun-Loving Type: Spontaneous, Versatile, Distractible, and Scattered). We should balance each other out, but I quickly found that instead of balance, we would entrench ourselves further in our own stubborn ruts. If she didn't agree with something, or had an opinion on something/someone, you better agree with her and get on her page or you are WRONG and need to do better. Having female friends and classmates was not on the list of accepted character traits, and the arguments that would ensue were far too heated for what the discussion should have/could have been.
Still, I didn't want to keep upsetting her (I'm a Peacemaker, after all), after all she and her BF broke up because of me, and she moved to this state with me, so I owed her. At least, I owed her the reassuring words she wanted to hear (is what I justified to myself). I never cheated on her while at school, physically or emotionally, but I did hide and cover up when I worked or talked with other females (it was impossible not to...most of my classes only had 7-8 students in them, half of which were female, and we were all in the same program, so lots of classes together those few years). Yes, hindsight is 20-20, and the signs were there that this was not a healthy relationship...but I wasn't healthy, I just didn't know it yet.
Fast-forward through two years of this. I've graduated, we've moved back to our home state, and we're both working full-time. We're still very happy and have a ton of fun together, but there are super-heated arguments happening more frequently. We're still having sex 1-2 times a week at this point, but foreplay has all but disappeared, and the other non-PIV acts such as oral are waning as well. I don't say anything, because I know I'm not supposed to voice these kinds of opinions. I accept it, and am grateful that we're having any physical intimacy at all, but the thought lingers at the back of my mind. And the arguments are starting to take a toll. She gets very verbally and emotionally abusive when she's angry (not to mention vindictive) and several years of these arguments have started to erode at my sense of worth and self-confidence. Then, the unthinkable (for me) happened.
As I mentioned earlier, foreplay was no longer happening, so it was straight to sex when she was in the mood. And when I mean straight to sex, I mean I better be ready-to-go before my pants come off, without any external influence. Well, one day I wasn't ready yet (physically...I was certainly ready mentally), and she went nuclear on me. It had to be because I was sleeping around, or having an affair, or gay, or some dark secret. I tried to explain to her that there was a lot of pressure to perform right away, and sometimes I just need a little bit of physical encouragement to get me in the zone, not to mention I had an extremely stressful job at the time. That didn't cut it for her...she had never experienced a guy not being ready to go immediately, and she was insulted. This same scenario played out a few times over the next couple of years (not many, but enough to make it a topic of discussion even today).
Did I mention I'm the HL in this relationship? I was (and still am) CONSTANTLY trying to initiate with her, usually daily. And it wasn't just to satiate my biological urge, I genuinely wanted to be intimate with her, and express love in a physical manner. I am absolutely a giver in sex...I LOVE to make my partner feel good, to feel wanted and desired and sexy. Of course, I'm a man and love receiving, too, and would never turn down an offer for this (or so I thought). But, sometimes there are just too many external stressors and I can't turn them off long enough to turn myself on. This was rare, but it happened a handful of times, and hasn't actually happened in about 5 years now.
The sex becomes less frequent. Any other physical intimacy almost completely vanished. She is excelling at her job in and we live in an area I did NOT want to move back to, which I repeatedly voiced during our time together. But, I wanted to be supportive of her, so we moved back here. She almost instantly changes to become a "better adult". She's taking everything in life much more seriously, and has less willingness to enjoy the recreational activities that brought us together in the first place. I, on the other hand, have a very different view of "adulting" - get your shit done that needs to get done, then play however you choose. She didn't agree with this mantra, and another wedge starts to grow between us.
Anyway, we've now been together for a few years, had a lot of good times and some shitty times as well, but we're still together. I'm also now feeling guilty for having not married her at this point, and I've certainly received cues from her to get that done. Of course I love her and still consider her my best friend, but I can't shake the feeling that she's not the one. "Too bad!" my brain tells me..."suck it up, buttercup, and be a man. You've taken this many years of her life from her, put a ring on her finger and do what you're supposed to do." So, I propose, she says yes, and we start planning the rest of our lives together.
During our time together, our arguments and her deliberately cruel words have eaten a hole in me that I hadn't noticed yet (or chose to ignore). My sense of worth is less than zero, and I don't feel like I'm a man if I communicate any of this to her, so the feeling builds and builds and constantly devours my self-value. Due to some very specific attacks on me and my personality and hobbies, I don't feel like ANYONE can see value in me or be attracted to me, and the fact that our sex life has dramatically decreased (1-2 times a month) and is apparent that it feels like a chore for her takes my mind to some very dark places. Worried about where this is heading, but not able to articulate myself clearly, I suggest couples counseling, and she agrees. It is not productive for either of us.
Obviously, if my fiancée doesn't find me attractive and has repeatedly told me no woman would want me, then the only way someone like me can get physical satisfaction is to pay for it. Now, I'm not a bad looking guy by any stretch of the imagination, and I never had any issues getting girls or having hook ups before I met my wife, but years of this mentality, coming from someone who you care deeply about, can wreck your psyche. Also, I'm clearly not equipped at this point to communicate my feelings...but what I CAN do is hide things. So, desperate for human contact, I go to my first massage parlor. In the moment, it was exciting. Afterwards, the shame and guilt and self-loathing induced are enough to crush my already teetering sense of worth into nothing. Are you familiar with the addiction cycle?
That wasn't the only time it happened...despite the feelings afterwards, my desperation pulls me to do this dozens of times over the course of several years. Now, this was just (yes, I get that "just" attempts to minimize my actions, but hang in there) massage parlors, and there was never any sex involved...just hand stuff. Well, this is a slippery slope, and before I knew it, I was in a hotel room with an escort. This experience was extremely disappointing, and left me feeling even more shitty about myself. So, naturally, I tell myself "it'll be better next time!" I do this four more times. Ugh...I'm making myself sick thinking about this, but I need to get it out to someone.... This behavior wasn't constant, but the fact that it was happening at all is still a major problem, one that I tell myself I can stop at any time (ha!).
The day after the last time, my wife (who's at home with our 18-month old daughter) at this point gets a notification on her phone from Google..."How would you rate your stay at the Comfort Inn?" Oh yeah, something you should know about my wife...she's an armchair detective. She can DIG into things when she wants to, and she's very good at it. Needless to say, I was (rightfully) kicked out of the house at this point, and moved back in with my parents who were just a few miles away (one of the reasons I did not want to come back to this area). Also, and this will come into play later, my dad had just been diagnosed with "the most aggressive case of colon cancer" his oncologist had ever seen.
I'm thinking the marriage is over, I'll never see my daughter again, and I am spiraling into despair. In a rare moment of lucidity for me, I try something I never wanted to do...I sought professional help. I find a counselor, reassess my priorities in life, and start getting my shit back together, all while living at home during my dad's cancer treatments. Eventually, my wife invites me back into the house (in the guest room), and we (I) start talking, really talking, for the first time in my life. I'm not yet equipped to deal with her in full confrontation mode, so I am repeatedly told how wrong my opinions and views are, and how my priorities and wants are those of a horny middle-schooler, not a man. I vow to step it up, and I do for a while! I'm no longer paying for attention or seeking it elsewhere...instead, I look inward and start pursuing my own hobbies to distract me from what is now the complete lack of physical connection (obviously).
Do you remember that I display behaviors in line with that of an addictive personality? My wife was not a fan of my hobbies, some of them old (games), some of them new (real nerdy stuff that I never thought I'd get into, but not having friends anymore to hang out and no chance of physical intimacy forces you to find things to do alone, so here I was). Sex and physical release is exchanged for secret purchases to get me more of my hobby materials, and for smoking way too much weed. I'm not hiding extra-marital shenanigans anymore, I'm hiding stupid shit, anything at all that gives me the illusion of control over my life. While other areas of my life are improving, I find things to hyper-focus on and escape the reality that I've created.
About a year later, my father passed away from his cancer. I found out shortly afterwards that my family of origin and my wife blame me for my father's rapid decline and eventual death...if I hadn't made those selfish choices, he would have most likely recovered, but the stress of having to deal with me was the nail in his proverbial (and literal) coffin. You can probably imagine how I'm feeling about myself at this point. It feels like I have no allies (other than my counselor), and no outlet since I was mocked and patronized even for my hobbies, so I do what I'm best at. I make selfish choices and then hide them from everyone. Two months after my father passed, I went back to a massage parlor, and then did it again one more time a few weeks later. I stopped at that point, overwhelmed with grief, shame, and self-loathing, but in my desperate stupidity, I used a credit card to pay for one of the parlor visits, which was of course discovered. At this point, the secret purchases are also discovered, so everything is coming back out into the open. I get kicked out again, and am forced to move back in with my mom, who is still harboring resentment over my role in my dad's death.
A few months of separation and a lot of counseling later (both individual and couples) and I'm back in the house (the guest room again). This time, I'm better equipped to talk about how I'm feeling, how her words and actions make me feel, and why I do the things I do (create and keep secrets for selfish desires). I'm able to identify and stay aware of triggers and things that make me spiral back into regression. I'm lucky that she's taken me back, and I know it, even if she threatens to kill me and reminds me how worthless I am...it's all worth it to see my daughter each day.
This last personal relapse was several years ago, and I am happy to admit that I haven't attempted to go back to paying for attention, nor have I looked outside the marriage for attention. Instead, I'm still seeing my counselor several times a month, journaling, meditating, eating healthier, exercising when I can. I'm much more engaged with both my wife and our (now two) kids, and I work hard to make their lives better. But, there is obviously a very dark shadow cast on myself as a person and on our relationship. I am well aware that my actions have forever changed our relationship, and I own my choices and am working to become a better person, as an individual, a partner, and a father.
"Wait, this is DB, and you had another kid and you're still together! What's the deal?"
I'm glad you asked. My wife and I both wanted to give our daughter a sibling, and we didn't want to wait any longer, so we very clinically would have sex when she was ovulating...but there was no passion to it, and certainly no fun. Luckily for her, I'm apparently pretty virile, and was able to get her pregnant very quickly for both kids so the sex stopped pretty much immediately after she found out she was pregnant. Why are we still together? Well, we don't see eye-to-eye on most things, and she thinks I'm incapable and incompetent in pretty much every aspect of being a human being (even without my destructive behavior, she has a very high pedestal from which she passes judgment on those around her), but one thing we both agree on and she recognizes is our ability to parent extremely well as a team. We are on the same page pretty much with every decision that involves the kids, from play time, to discipline, to schooling, everything. And she knows how much I love my kids, which is an insane amount.
This brings me to my current DB situation. Like I mentioned at the beginning, I've made some terrible mistakes for which I am unabashedly ashamed, but they're my mistakes and I own them. I have been working incredibly hard to become a better person, and those around me have noticed this change and commented on it, even my wife. I didn't deserve a second or third chance, but I got it, and I'm making the most of it now. That being said, she has also chosen twice to stay with me, to accept me back, and even to have another kid with me. I know I hurt her mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, and I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for that, but I go out of my way to show her how much I care about her, how sexy I think she is (for the record, she was and is HOT...even at 8 months pregnant, she would have random guys come up to her and tell her how hot she was, regardless of my presence with her).
During our entire relationship, whether it was back when I was in school, or when I was paying for attention, I found her extremely attractive, and have made that very known to her...to the point where she has asked me to stop telling her. I haven't received a compliment from her since before we were married (before everything came out), but have tried not to let it get to me. I still struggle greatly with self-worth and value, but I try not to let my insecurities control me. That being said, I want to feel wanted and desired, and I haven't felt that since before we were married. She stopped initiating sex during our engagement, which I chalked up to anxiety and stress about the wedding, but she's never tried again since then...it has always been me, and as many of you are all too aware, that rejection takes a toll after years of not only being told no, but also only receiving criticisms and insults, and never encouragement or compliments or anything vaguely close to flirting.
These issues with our intimacy started before I began my deep dive into selfish secrets, but she blames it all on either those actions or my not being a man (I am constantly being told that I am just a middle-schooler in a 35-year-old's body, which is a self-deprecating mental battle with which I am still struggling through with my counselor). And here's where we get to familiar territory. I've brought up sex and intimacy (or lack thereof) with her and our couples counselor numerous times, and she ALWAYS finds a way to either change the subject, turn it back around on me, or minimize my needs. According to her, no normal couple has sex more than once or twice a month, and certainly no woman wants to have sex more than that. Foreplay and anything that's not PIV sex is strictly for porn (which she used to love), and is not something normal spouses engage in. The fact that I'm asking for sex and trying to initiate almost daily is very immature and selfish of me, and she shouldn't have to deal with that. But, masturbation is also frowned upon, and she wants me to tell her when I do it 1) for transparency's sake (which I've obliged) and 2) so that she can remind me how gross and depressing I am. I don't do it very often (maybe once or twice a week) even though I want to, just so I can be ready to go on the off-chance that she is receptive to my advances.
It's been three months since we've had sex. And before that, it happened four times in the course of four months. And before that, it was nine months between sex dates. It's been six or so years since the last time she gave me oral (I would probably kill someone at this point to go down on her) or even sensually touched me with her hands (this all stopped even before everything came out). She can't comprehend how I'm so horny all the time, and I can't comprehend how she's never horny. When we do have sex, it's clearly pity sex and a chore and always exactly the same flavor of vanilla, which I hate but am so desperate that I will never turn down.
I've had major issues. I've made major mistakes. But I'm working my ass off to become a better person for the ones I care about. She's had zero inclination to work on her anger issues (which she gleefully acknowledges) or her over-zealous judging of other people and the things they like, and as far as she's concerned, her sex-drive is on par with every other woman out there, and a real man wouldn't be bugging her about it. I've never begged for sex and never will, but I have begged her to talk with me about sex. Is there something about me that turns her off? Is there something I need to be doing to turn her on that she's not getting? Should I be touching her a different way (when I'm allowed to touch her, which is rare, and is never reciprocated)? I'm not a mind-reader, and I'm trying to keep an open dialog on everything, especially the subjects that are uncomfortable...
But a real man wouldn't need to ask those questions. A real man would know and figure it out without ever having to ask her. And a real man wouldn't feel the need to even talk about it. It's absolutely insane that it's so important to me, and THAT is the real issue here, not her lack of libido...physical intimacy is obviously just another addiction that I need to fight to overcome.
I don't know what to do at this point. I still love my wife (she's the mother of my children and my best friend...) and I want her to be happy. I've been made to feel like my desire to want intimacy with her is a flaw that needs to be corrected, and that's been echoed by my mom and my older sister (my only sibling...my wife has made my family painfully aware of my "shortcomings"). There are so many nights where I tell myself "don't even try to give her attention or affection or initiate sex, she doesn't want it from you" but I end up doing it anyway because I can't bring myself to NOT do it, and then I'm dealing with the guilt of "pressuring her" into having sex with me (even though she doesn't) as well as the feelings that well up from the countless rejections. Then, I read posts on here about people only having sex 1-2 times per week or a few times a month, and my first (selfish) reaction is "you lucky SOB's, you don't even know how lucky you are." But, then I remember how I felt when sex was declining slowly in frequency in my relationship, how I felt that it was torturously rare for a couple our age and in good health, and I become more sympathetic (still supremely jealous though).
My advice to anyone reading this (I doubt anyone is in a situation quite like mine) is learn to communicate early and often. It's work, and it's not fun, but it could save you heartache down the road, especially while you still have options open. Don't end up like me...one of my biggest fears as I matured into adulthood was having a lack of intimacy in my marriage (like my parents did), and sure enough I'm living that nightmare that I helped create.
For fuck's sake, TALK with your SO if your lack of sex or other physical requirements are not being met...maybe it's something you can both work on, or maybe incompatibilities are starting to show themselves. If they do, then get out while you can...I promise BOTH of you will be happier in the long run, even if it feels like the end of the world now.
I'm sure I've left things out that would add more context to this or better explain things, but I never intended to write this much, and my brain is fried at this point. Plus, I'm finding that I am feeling emotionally exhausted from getting this all out there. If you're still reading, I can't thank you enough for your time...even if you're filled with hate and rage towards me and agree completely with my wife, I'm still glad you took the time to read this. Feel free to reach out with questions, or if you just want to talk. Thank you.
submitted by throwaway_2142382354 to DeadBedrooms [link] [comments]


2020.09.30 18:11 holdnarrytight How can I (20F) educate my sister (13F) about sex and sexuality?

As a kid and a teen, I never received any kind of sex education from school or my family. Everything I "knew" about sex as a pre-teen, I learned from my peers at school, the internet and porn. Needless to say, that placed me in all sorts of embarrassing, unnecessary and stupid situations.
As young as 11 years old, I learned sex is essentially when a woman spreads her legs and lets a man in to give him pleasure; that a woman's value is in how cool, chill and hot she is; and started seeking for male validation, displaying inappropriate sexual behaviour for my age and throwing my female classmates under the bus if that would get me male attention.
It didn't help that my family is conservative, my dad has sexist ideas and I was raised a Christian (in the traditional, restrictive sense). My parents, at home, would reward me with attention when I would laugh at sexist jokes, much like my classmates at school. I learned being "chill" would make me seem fun and earn me friends. So I had a lot of wrong ideas about sex, sexuality and what it means to be a woman
At home, I was a polite, sweet little girl my family was proud of. At school, I would make dirty jokes. I would cuss. I would draw explicit stuff. I would talk about my body to boys. I would make sexist jokes to get on the boys' good side. I thought I was "one of the guys". Except the guys were mean to me and didn't treat me like a friend. They knew what I felt and were taking advantage of it. They blackmailed me once using a personal secret I'd told them and it was distressing. Yet I continued seeking for their attention. I was just too young and uneducated to see what was going on. Thankfully I never did anything physical with them, or else I would've regretted it immensely. I changed schools later, and being in a new environment with different people kept me at bay.
A few years later, when I was around 14, I found feminism through social media and started reading about it. I learned what healthy sex and positive sexuality look like. I learned I don't need male attention to feel like a lovable person. I learned my body is wonderful the way it is. I learned sex is not something a woman gives to a man, but rather something two people, regardless of gender, can share equally. I learned about my menstrual cycle and how my body works in ways nobody had ever told me before.
I had to tear down all my warped ideas about sex, being a woman and sexuality. My body image changed. I was going down a dangerous road as a pre-teen, but feminism turned my life around and helped me grow into a healthy, empowered adult. Still, I get deeply ashamed when I remember what I was like and the things I would do for male attention when I was younger.
My sister is 13 years old and, as her big sister, I want to make sure she doesn't have to go through what I went through. She's really similar to what I was like at her age. Shy, sweet, smart, nerdy, a little insecure, feels like she doesn't fit in. I know at her age she has likely heard and seen a lot of things she might not understand. Maybe her classmates talk about it like mines used to back then.
Either way, I don't want her to be in the dark and do and say things she doesn't even understand because she feels pressured, like I used to. Don't get me wrong, I know she will make her own experiments with sexuality just like I did, but I want her to be informed so those can be healthy and positive experiences. Education is the key to empowerment and protection, and I want to empower and protect her as much as I can.
She's the person I love the most in the world. We have a great relationship and can talk openly about all sorts of things. She started menstruating this year and I've already explained all about her cycle, why it exists and the different menstrual hygiene products including the cup, period panties etc. their pros and cons, and helped her pick one that better suited her. It was really nice to be able to do something for her nobody had done for me.
At school she learned about the biology of conception, reproductive system and genitals. But, like me, she has received no sex education at home or at school. So I feel the need to step up and do it. The other day I showed her both an external and an internal condom and asked if she knew what they are, she said no and genuinely seemed not to know. It seems there's a lot she doesn't know. Even less than I did at her age.
I'd been waiting for her to come up to me and ask, but I realised when I was her age I'd never ask my parents, and now I believe I should take the first step. My parents won't do it and I know they won't mind if I do. She has been expressing frustration at not being able to watch certain types of content with me and being excluded from conversations I have with my mom, and I think it's time to let her learn.
So Reddit, considering my history, my relationship with my sister and her age, how can I educate her about sex without making her uncomfortable?
TL;DR: How can I, a woman who went through a lot of trouble and embarrassment as a kid for lack of sex education, educate my sister to protect her from sexism and insecurity?
submitted by holdnarrytight to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


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submitted by Meda17Sepl to u/Meda17Sepl [link] [comments]


2020.09.15 07:48 head_cocktologist Hot mom secret porn

I need to write this out to confront it. I'm a single 38yr old male. I first encountered porn very very young. I think I was 9. I got my hands on a Penthouse and stole it and kept it. My mom found it like a year later and I got in big trouble, but my pops was very understanding. He said it's not cool, but you have your curiosity, just know that it is unhealthy to look at those things. They confiscated it. My mom was so sad.
I continued to try to get my hands on things like that. I masturbated a lot. I got R Rated movies when I could and found those special scenes. When I was around 15 we got internet and that's when things took a nose dive. It was so easy to find pictures of everything, it was overwhelming. I honestly wondered how every guy my age wasn't doing this. It was like uncovering treasure. My few friends kind of mentioned it, but I feel like they had stricter parents or maybe a better sense of how wrong it was, or maybe they weren't as uncontrollably horny as I was. Some kids made fun of each other for jerking off. I was a fucking monster at that age. I seriously find it amazing that so many young people are on this sub, because for me it was absolutely impossible to withstand that urge back then. I went deep. I got sort of got caught here and there, but it didn't stop me much, I just got more sneaky.
In college I found it easier to balance things. I got girls. I had my fun. But I always liked porn more, I felt a higher high, so to speak, when watching porn. I was in control. I thought. I had one serious gf, she was fucking hot and loved sex, but I still found time to jerk off in between. I slept with various random college chicks but never felt any attachment to any of them. After college I had a big slump and just jerked off a lot. I watched a lot of porn and had a steady job and just went with it. My social life was ok, I just didn't meet many women I was that into. I dated here and there for maybe 3 months max and when they realized I was worthless they'd break up with me and I didn't mind at all because I could just go back my porn and not deal with their needs. Super selfish.
Around 28 I met a woman I really liked. I mean I really fell for her. We had a great time together. We dated for about 4 years. The whole time I secretly struggled with looking at porn. I don't know what I was thinking, like I could get away with it or something. She slowly drifted away from me physically, just as I was trying to give up my addiction. But I never mentioned it to her because I was so ashamed. She loved me. I couldn't be who I really was. She loved the illusion of me. Inside I was a terrible wreck. It got so hard because I wanted her more physically but she wanted me less. Anyway, I fucked it all up and I lost her. I know she wasn't the love of my life, so I'm not devastated (she was a parasite), but I only realized that after a lot of pain and introspection.
After we broke up I basically hooked up with every chick I could possibly get with. Being a bartender it wasn't so hard to meet ladies. I had some fun. I banged some fucking hot chicks, but I was always left unsatisfied. I remember times I would have to imagine the porn I watched the night before while fucking, just to get off. Or I'd get laid and as soon as she left I'd break out my laptop and jerk off to porn with the smell of her pussy still on my cock. Real sex just wasn't as satisfying. It was just there. I also began to abuse more drugs and alcohol, I became depressed, I felt utterly worthless.
So. Here I am. Because of quarantine I had to live with my parents for a while recently and during that time I realized how hopelessly addicted I had become. I felt so fucking disgusted with myself as a grown man jerking off in my parents' guest room. I hated myself more than ever, using their internet to find my weird shit that over the years has gotten weirder and more embarrassing and shameful. I think I got off on that. I also realized I'm always holding this guilt and shame inside of me and that affects everything, every interaction. I can't hug my nieces without feeling unworthy and gross. It's an awful feeling. My whole spirit is rotten and wilting. But I'm working to give it up.
I don't think this is a solution for everyone, but it was an especially effective acid trip that got me to begin to change my ways. I had a clear intention before taking that tab: to confront myself. I chose to be able to look in the mirror and see someone I'm proud of, someone strong, healthy, and happy. Fuck what anyone else thinks. I wanted to see what is deep inside myself and feel content. That's really all I want in life. I focused on that purpose and had an incredible readjustment. I am now 30 days from watching any porn, 15 days from jerking off. But the important thing is I have very little inclination to go back to my old ways. I don't want to be who I was. I'm so glad I'm beyond it, but kind of mad that I didn't do this sooner. I hate who I was. I could have been so much better. (I have been dabbling in psychedelics for years, mostly mushrooms, so I'm not saying one dose of LSD will cure anyone. These are very mentally dangerous drugs, no question)
Anyway. Stop looking at porn. Right now. You will find that pleasure if you believe it exists inside of you. If you don't, you've already given up on yourself. Don't wait til you're an old man like me to realize it. I promise you, you're better than this. There are women, men, whatever you are sexually attracted to that are on the same exact page. Just be yourself, don't hide, don't be afraid, don't let it all pass you by.
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Desh ke gaddaro KO, Goli maro salo KO.
fmqckww in jackoffconfessions on 07 Apr 20 (1pts):
Send it for us.
fmqbs4o in SweetHomeAlabama on 07 Apr 20 (1pts):
They are cute
fmbber1 in insaneparents on 03 Apr 20 (1pts):
cursedcomments
fmbas23 in amiugly on 03 Apr 20 (1pts):
Cut the moustache
fmbaqs9 in amiugly on 03 Apr 20 (1pts):
You look good.Earn Money and you will get woman.
fmbamqx in amiugly on 03 Apr 20 (1pts):
Cut the moustache bro.
fmbak5v in amiugly on 03 Apr 20 (1pts):
You look good Bro.Tinder is crap anyway. I
fm8t8h5 in amiugly on 02 Apr 20 (1pts):
Leave your stupid asshole BF.That's the least you can do.You are better than the majority which posted here.
fm87hbu in amiugly on 02 Apr 20 (1pts):
Chill bro try mewing
fm7n0qo in SweetHomeAlabama on 02 Apr 20 (1pts):
cursedimages
Submissions: hpzold in AskReddit on 12 Jul 20 (1pts):
Why are you not studying now?
hpzled in AskReddit on 12 Jul 20 (1pts):
Why don't you study now?
gkgqqt in amiugly on 15 May 20 (1pts):
[16M] Posting for the millionth time with 0 response.Destructive criticism welcome.
gikbbg in amiugly on 12 May 20 (1pts):
Fuck amiugly
gijqkz in amiugly on 12 May 20 (1pts):
Why the fuck are you not rating ugly people?
gii5t4 in amiugly on 12 May 20 (1pts):
[16M] PLEASE DONT IGNORE ME.I NEED YOUR HELP. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT DO YOU THINK AND WHAT CAN I DO TO IMPROVE ? Reposting since last post got ignored
gie789 in truerateme on 12 May 20 (1pts):
[16M] Can I even do anything to improve ?? I got ignored on all other subs.I have high hopes from this sub.
gi8h0s in amiugly on 12 May 20 (1pts):
[16M] PLEASE DONT IGNORE ME.I NEED YOUR HELP. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT DO YOU THINK AND WHAT CAN I DO TO IMPROVE ?❤❤❤❤
gi8f28 in Rateme on 12 May 20 (1pts):
[16M] PLEASE DONT IGNORE ME.I NEED HELP OF ALL OF YOU. WHAT CAN I DO TO IMPROVE ??? 🧡🧡🧡
gfeg47 in AskReddit on 07 May 20 (1pts):
People who got gold on reddit, what did you post and what was it like ?
gfeenr in AskReddit on 07 May 20 (1pts):
Lonely people who have been ignored by everyone, What is it like ?
gfeavk in AskReddit on 07 May 20 (1pts):
What really happens in lounge ?
gatxxk in amiugly on 30 Apr 20 (1pts):
[16M] YOUR OPINION IS GOLD.
gatu69 in TeenAmIUgly on 30 Apr 20 (1pts):
[16M] Help Me
ftkd3q in amiugly on 02 Apr 20 (1pts):
[Meta] This subreddit is women centric
fti4wx in amiugly on 02 Apr 20 (1pts):
[M16]Very few of you responded on my last post.Posting here for the last time.
frps5e in amiugly on 30 Mar 20 (1pts):
No response for average males. :’(
fq5ee7 in amiugly on 27 Mar 20 (1pts):
Emergency help required
fnktjg in TeenAmIUgly on 23 Mar 20 (2pts):
[M17] What a crazy place!
I'm a bot. My home is at /CommentRemovalChecker - check if your posts have been removed! (How to use)
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