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2020.10.22 21:04 beingbetterdude Webcam sex 2019

Hello all,
I’ve been active on this sub for a few weeks this spring/summer, I shared my experience on my way to recovery from : - porn - cyber sex (and so, online cheating)
I decided to try something because I couldn’t really control myself anymore. I felt so horny all the time, I masturbated between 2 to 4 times each day, sometimes paying for online services. I used to be so ashamed of myself, I destroyed devices, I destroyed a phone, but somehow I always craved my daily dose of naked women... and I managed to find porn. Every time.
I don’t really remember how it all started, everything was perfectly balanced and I ended up cumming « for » random online girls without telling my gf that I deeply love. I told her about it later and I believe this was the true first day of my recovery. She’s been supportive, but she lives far away from me (about a 800 miles)
I’ve been really struggling since the beginning of 2019, I spent the year making concession, limiting my porn consumption, trying not to pay to often on camsites or onlyfans.
In 2020 I deleted all those accounts, but still looked at mild stuff and reading erotic things. Someday I looked at myself in the mirror and I understood I had to change my whole approach, I had to get rid of my bad habits : smoking, drinking, pmo
Not easy, I started to stop smoking and drinking, I actually was on the right mindset so it was easy. But porn. Porn that was difficult. This is a tricky one.
I knew it wasn’t good for me, my couple. But I kept doing it all over again. For a while I managed to stay away from it (when I was the most active here). But this summer I almost went back to caming, I almost cheated myself and my gf again. But I didn’t and almost cried, overwhelmed by my feelings. I still got in touch with girls but only via reddit chat (no pic or video sharing just dirty talking). That does the trick but yet again, I used this as a substitute to porn. The « horny » feeling was still the same than in 2019, I automatically grabbed my phone and watch stuff or talked to girls from dedicated subreddits.
The truth is, I didn’t solve my problem doing this and I tortured myself by not allowing me to watch videos or webcams. And I kept doing it all over again...
Until two weeks ago. I was at my parents house for the week end ( that doesn’t happen often these days) and like always, I planned to masturbate Sunday morning (I always do). But Sunday morning, I downloaded reddit app, seeking mild stuff or a chat with a girl but I ended up on semenretention (I don’t even know how). I don’t believe in the « superpowers » or bs they tell there but I read interesting things. It helped me understand the last piece of the puzzle : I didn’t need to masturbate or to watch anything that Sunday, there was nothing good to expect, there is nothing fulfilling about masturbating in front of lit pixels. I mean I already knew that but It felt like I understood at that very moment, in my bedroom with my dong in my hand.
Si i wondered, what if ? What if you started to truly commit to the advices you give ? How come you are so smart and clever and you can’t even control yourself ? Why do you think your horniness is a demon you have to fight ? Maybe it is just something you can tame, you can live with, you can accept.
Just stop feeding the addiction, it’ll slowly be weaker. That was the advice I told to people here, but somehow I never really respected it for myself. The most important thing is : what do I think about that particular thing ? I grabbed my pants and started my day without masturbating. Actually, I didn’t masturbate for 3 or 4 days. It was the first time in YEARS that happened. And oh boi that made me proud of myself. But the next Thursday, I felt horny again, not horny like the previous days but horny like I was about to lose control. And home alone. But I looked at myself in the mirror and told loud and clear « oh no you don’t » and I didn’t. I masturbated thinking about nothing later that night before Going to bed. I slept like never before. I felt free.
It’s only been 2 weeks but I only masturbated 2 times (with my eyes clothed) and it felt awesome. Not dirty as it used to. Something definitely changed. And I accept that porn is over for me, I know that I won’t enjoy it anymore (I le stay careful obviously)
So here is a useful list of things I learnt the past two years for you :

I am saying it again. Kill the positive image you have in your mind about porn. I used to stay away from it and still craved it. Then I believed I needed it and It would be endless. Break the cycle, it is bad you know it, you don’t watch it and it is no big deal.
You are not only a dick with legs. There are so much more about you than this, find your balance again. If you feel triggered, read the rules, go outside for 5 minutes and it’ll pass. Masturbate when you feel like it but take your time, do this with no open screens on front of you and don’t do this too often. Your body and mind will find their balance. There is no rule, we’re all different.
I’ll leave reddit for a while, I’m not running away or avoiding porn ;) but I feel tired of browsing mindlessly.
Believe in yourself, if you don’t, nobody will. Earn your confidence back, focus on other things.
Oh and, stop seeing women as the ultimate price. Here is a fact : one human out of two had bobs and vagene. Nothing exceptional. It is ok to focus on other things for a while. Don’t treat women like godesses, see them as human in the first place. Your brain will go back to normal soon. You remember ? When some girls were not attractive ? When you only looked at those you found interesting ? When some were just pretty ? When their faces meant more than their ass ? It will come back. And it will feel awesome.
I hope I gave useful insights.
FYI : I’ve been free of tobacco for 9 months now I still drink but never alone and I don’t think about it when I am I’ve been porn video free for two months, and free of any kind of sexual stimulation on a screen for 2 weeks.
I feel good and currently focusing on other things (work, gf, training...)
Sorry for potato English. Not my native language.
Bye and stay true to your commitment, it is definitely worth it. We change everyday and it is for the better.
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2020.10.12 16:33 piabxl Cash: use it or lose it!

Is this the last decade of cash?

The corona pandemic is not helping. Belgian media is picking up the Australian news about the coronavirus found active 28 days on banknotes, without understanding that the 28 days is on the Australian polymer and paper banknotes, while Euro banknotes are made of cotton fibers on which the coronavirus gets inactive rather quick. https://medicalxpress.com/news/2020-04-euro-banknotes-safe-coronavirus-ecb.html
You are touching so much in shops, including the pay terminals everyone is touching, that cash won't add much risk.

Until this year, I used to not care, and pay everything electronically.

But in March I became the victim of an identity theft. My bank account was frozen, my bank cards and payment app blocked. Opening new bank accounts or credit cards was impossible due to being on a blacklist.

My employer could not pay my salary in cash. For most professions this is forbidden by law since 2016.

Friends lent me cash. But I discovered cash was refused at supermarkets, shops, public transport, parkings, fuel stations, hospital, physiotherapist, online webshops, Uber, Deliveroo, etc. Sometimes because of corona anxiety, but often already from before 2020.

Prepaid cards could be a nice solution. But even while they are debit cards, in Belgium they seem to be refused where credit cards are refused, since they are Visa or Mastercards cards. These are refused in many Belgium places, since merchants don't like the higher costs. Not many prepaid cards allow charging with cash. And their availability is in recent decline: this year at least the following prepaid cards stopped or are announced to stop: Carrefour prepaid Flex card, BNP and Hello. The decline might be due to new very strict EU anti-money laundering laws. The anonymous prepaid cards (and generic gift cards) are now restricted to 100 euro maximum recharge in their lifetime and 50 euro payments.

Cryptocurrencies are also in theory a nice solution. But their acceptance in Belgium is extremely limited. Thanks to Takeaway accepting bitcoin, I could order delivery from many local snack restaurants.
But I discovered that bitcoin and most other cryptocurrencies, while having an "anonymous" reputation, are actually only pseudonymous and extremely open and transparent: for every transaction the origin address, destination address, amount and timestamp are recorded for eternity in a public ledger for everyone open to consult. When I buy something, the merchant can see how many coins I have in my wallet address. Buying, spending or selling coins are activities that can get your name connected to your addresses. Developers try to solve this privacy issue, but I'm afraid the war on anonymity (related to the war on cash) will crush that before cryptocurrency payments become popular.

So, my identity theft experience has awakened me: sharing your personal details in so many places caries a lot of danger. Think about it: while the law became more strict, there are still many (online) shops and restaurants taking knowledge of your credit card number, expiry date, CCV and your name. That's still enough information to do fraudulent payments in many places.

The cashless society is a surveillance society, with every payment traced. And it creates a lot of dependencies: electricity, internet, and permission by the banking and payment system. Once you are on a blacklist, even if you did nothing wrong, but somebody pretended to be you and did fraudulent payments, you are screwed for at least months.

So, now that I'm finally off the blacklist, I opened several bank accounts. That will not help for all issues, but still: having only 1 bank is really dangerous.

And from now on I pay everything possible with cash. Not just to keep my personal details safe, but also to keep the cash usage statistics high. Did you notice that the financial sector is regulary reporting the cash withdrawals decline? They report both the total amount withdrawn and the number of withdrawals.

I learned that the bank and payment processors are fighting a war on cash and they are actively lobbying the government for a reduction of the cash payment limit to 50 euro. Yes, an insane fifty euro! The banks are lazy about cash and want to impose negative rent without risking a bankrun. No cash is no bankrun. The payment processors just love the percentage they get from every payment.

Currently the acceptance of euro banknotes and coins for debts is compulsory by European law. But many merchants violated the law and we had at least one Belgian minister ignoring the enforcement. See e.g. this article from 2019: https://www.bruzz.be/samenleving/no-cash-doet-intrede-brusselse-horeca-2019-05-10.
The law has exceptions, e.g. for security reasons such as a pandemic. After the pandemic I will try to report all cash refusing merchants.
Merchants that refuse to accept cash payments can be reported at https://meldpunt.belgie.be or https://pointdecontact.belgique.be/. But I guess it is better to wait until after the pandemic.

We need to defend the right to use cash. And a crucial action to avoid the end of cash is to keep using it as much as possible.

Every time you pay with a bank card or app, you contribute to a cashless future where:

Use cash or lose it!
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2020.09.16 20:02 PhatA17Sepl Webcam sex 2019

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2020.09.04 20:22 throwawayScammed20k Webcam sex 2019

I am from USA. She's from Czech.
She scammed me 11k on PayPal (PP) and ghosted me. She returned after my disputes and manipulated me to close the disputes.
The money was going to her "Business" account on PayPal and she was upset because I didn't do the 'friend' option.
After the 11k lost her PP was closed. She starts to pressure me to send her money through Wester Union (WU). I have lost 9k at WU now.
Everything about this "relationship" has been shallow and fake as possibly can be.
I know some of you are calling me a Simp. I got it.
I met her in Czech Republic at 17k before the shutdown. She promised me a lot of sex but nothing ever happened. She never did anything for me aside from taking to an ATM machine to get money. The first day we met she plays a joke on taking my debit card. The last day we met she tells me she "forgot how my American money looks like". Implying for me to leave some money.
We never had sex, we never even kissed, nothing between us, and I'm not bitter over that. I was honest to her but she was a world of lies to me from the start of 2019 to today.
She lied about buying so many things. I had to buy my way into her Instagram and where she told me she was, her Instagram showed her partying. I documented everything.
I want to get my money back from her.
Is it possible to sue her under her business through international court?
How can I fight for my money back through WU and win?
I am willing to show all the conversations in the police report.
Prostitution is legal in Czech and even her business (webcamming).
Usually when I deliver her money she gives me a week of distance.
It has caused me financial and emotional stress beyond what I can ever imagine.
I have never had a girl before and I was attractive to her. I never expected to get played like this.
I see her "liking" a guy's Instagram post every day. I know she's interested in him and her best friend even added the guy today.
I am losing my mind and don't want my money, my future I believe I could have with this women to go to a scam and a player.
I am well aware of all the negatives comments I will be getting but this story is true and really did happen.
Please help me.
submitted by throwawayScammed20k to LegalAdviceEurope [link] [comments]


2020.09.04 20:03 throwawayScammed20k I have been scammed for about 20k from a webcam girl.

I am from USA. She's from Czech.
She scammed me 11k on PayPal (PP) and ghosted me. She returned after my disputes and manipulated me to close the disputes.
The money was going to her "Business" account on PayPal and she was upset because I didn't do the 'friend' option.
After the 11k lost her PP was closed. She starts to pressure me to send her money through Wester Union (WU). I have lost 9k at WU now.
Everything about this "relationship" has been shallow and fake as possibly can be.
I know some of you are calling me a Simp. I got it.
I met her in Czech Republic at 17k before the shutdown. She promised me a lot of sex but nothing ever happened. She never did anything for me aside from taking to an ATM machine to get money. The first day we met she plays a joke on taking my debit card. The last day we met she tells me she "forgot how my American money looks like". Implying for me to leave some money.
We never had sex, we never even kissed, nothing between us, and I'm not bitter over that. I was honest to her but she was a world of lies to me from the start of 2019 to today.
She lied about buying so many things. I had to buy my way into her Instagram and where she told me she was, her Instagram showed her partying. I documented everything.

I want to get my money back from her.
Is it possible to sue her under her business through international court?
How can I fight for my money back through WU and win?
I am willing to show all the conversations in the police report.
Prostitution is legal in Czech and even her business (webcamming).

Usually when I deliver her money she gives me a week of distance.
It has caused me financial and emotional stress beyond what I can ever imagine.
I have never had a girl before and I was attractive to her. I never expected to get played like this.
I see her "liking" a guy's Instagram post every day. I know she's interested in him and her best friend even added the guy today.

I am losing my mind and don't want my money, my future I believe I could have with this women to go to a scam and a player.

I am well aware of all the negatives comments I will be getting but this story is true and really did happen.

Please help me.
submitted by throwawayScammed20k to legaladvice [link] [comments]


2020.09.02 11:31 Reisno I (31F) walked away from an online friend (30M) in April and I am still struggling with it.

tl:dr: I'm trying to find ways to emotionally move on from a confusing online, unrequited love situation that I ended up in for 18 months while I was poly dating online. I don't look any one up and I am no longer poly dating, I meditate on this and write it out, but I struggle with this still. I am trying to navigate it while juggling everything else in my life. I'm thick skinned, so even blunt advice will be appreciated.
Where to start with this, I walked away from an online friendship thing back in April, honestly now I am not entirely sure what it was.
Back when my partner and I were still poly dating, we tried out polyamory to try to create a sense of family we didn't get to have. We are not having kids and we tried to find similar people to us to create a community with. We've since abandoned polyamory.
I was deeply traumatized on Thanksgiving and I met this person around that time back in 2018. He was loving and kind to me, at least that is what it felt like. I told him I was poly and he seemed willing to work with that at first. He talked about how he admired what I had accomplished, how beautiful I was.
I admired him too, he taught himself many things and it was lovely to hear about those interests. I wanted to learn from him, to hear about his perspective and values in life. He and I were both diagnosed with aspergers and it gave me a sense of belonging and acceptance to chat with him.
It was a short time, a couple of weeks, before he dropped the news on me quite abruptly that he found someone else to date. That would be his first girlfriend.
There was not much warning, he didn't give me much of a heads up, it went from me being the only romantic interest of his to him having a girlfriend the next day, I didn't even know he was seeing anyone else.
I almost blocked him then and there for that, but he convinced me that he wanted to stay my friend. I was in a lot of pain during the holidays then and losing that kind of connection with him hurt pretty badly, I cried for 10 hours over this loss at the time. Had this happened in January I would have been able to take the blow much better but he didn't really understand the things I had been through.
But then he showed me their photos, he talked about his time with her and he looked so happy. There they both were, smiling around christmas lights. I wanted to see him smile like that. He told me that I had a big heart for taking that, he said his girlfriend was sorry for making me cry.
He said they both had hard lives, I wanted to understand what that meant. I grew up poor, around abused kids and it was very chaotic. They were both affluent, his first car likely costed more than triple the value of the busted trailer that I grew up in for 20 years.
However, I wanted to understand their hardships, their strife, and to learn from that, to be a friend and ally in that.
He said that I was the first girl to accept him, this was confusing. I saw him as beautiful, even from the first photo he sent me, he was like a work of art to me. He inspired me.
It warmed me up to see him smile, in that moment he drew hard lines and I respected that. However, a month in he started dropping large sums of money on her, like thousands of dollars, and he was sounding frustrated with things.
Even crack addicts that I grew up around didn't blow money that fast, so I was genuinely worried about him being taken advantage of like before. He talked of how women mistreated him in the past and he looked so sad, I empathized and wanted to make sure that he was loved and looked out for, so I stayed his friend. Plus I was a bit glad that I was friendzoned so I could see what being pure friends would be like for us.
I deeply cared about him for spending that holiday with me, but a little beyond that month he started to kind of flirt with me again, saying that his girlfriend was ok with it "as long as it was porn".
At the time I was ok with this ambiguity. I was happy to have some level of that romance with him back. I wrote my words to him, what I felt for him, he swooned, at least in text. At that time I was happy for the opportunity to show him what he meant to me, at least in words. My issues were worse then, with his hectic schedule and my limitations, my writing was all I really had to work with to convey this to him.
Each month he started to get more scarce with his career, at least that is the story I got. Each month I waited to spend time with him, even just an hour a month on webcam would have been sufficient. All I wanted was just an hour a month with him on webcam with us drinking tea and coffee together, sharing our life experiences. He was scarce but still pleasant, it still seemed like he valued being my friend but was just busy with his work. Because of his work schedule and having his first girlfriend, I was very patient.
But then my partner and I had lost half of our passive income in April of 2019, this was devastating for us but an important turning point. We ate only soups for months. With this loss of income, I struggled to stay stable, we both did.
We had already been through so much for so many years, things were finally looking up and we lost half of that passive income, it was a major blow. Right around the same time, my mother reached out to me for the first time in some years, this only added to the stress. I wrote her and the rest of my relatives that I left behind in 2013 a 5000 word letter in a password protected PDF so she and the rest of them couldn't edit it. Then we blocked her, she tried to contact me through my partner's facebook. I no longer have a facebook because of her and the rest of the craziness.
I don't really have support other than my partner and I didn't know how to use reddit that well back then, I am stretched pretty thin with trying to learn my partner's native language (we live in his country), taking care of my partner (he has documented disabilities here), planning/creating online courses/content with my partner on a microscopic budget with just the two of us, learning 3D modeling and other digital art skills, and coping with my flashbacks/nightmares/sleep deprivation/fatigue, you know, that grind.
This friend was comforting. I felt ashamed for dumping so much writing onto him when he had so much to handle on his end too, but I couldn't help it, I needed a friend, I needed that sense of family that I felt with him on that Thanksgiving day back in 2018.
I never wanted financial assistance or any sort of money from him, I'm weird like that. I don't like people spending money on me, he said once that he liked that about me, that I wasn't after his money like the other women who mistreated him. Being given gifts, especially expensive gifts, scares the shit out of me because of the things I've been through. I don't even like being around expensive things, especially if they are fragile/breakable. I suppose this is how deeply I've internalized poverty.
I wanted to show this friend that I was more than what I came from, to demonstrate that what I felt for him, the love I had for him, didn't have a price tag, that he didn't need to pay money to have someone worthwhile love him. I wanted to show him that and I accomplished that goal.
Every time I wrote to him, it conjured our few moments together. I deeply treasured those moments. There were days where I wrote to him romance/erotica, days where I wrote of my own disabilities but how I was pushing through despite it, days where I lost lucidity and destabilized (this is a side effect of the pills I was thrown on as well as a trauma and stress).
I shared my life with him as if I had that hour a month on webcam with him, as if he was there with me through it all.
I struggle with mental health issues but I never lashed out at him, I work to improve them and it takes years to fix issues like this. I even told him that if it was all too much and if he couldn't handle being my friend because of it, that would be ok. I gave him many outs.
I wrote over a 100,000 words to him to keep my sanity in check while I pushed through weightloss and other tasks to stabilize my life and to take care of my partner in 2019. He didn't tell me to stop, but he got even scarcer. Every so often he kind of covertly encouraged the sexy stories, this fueled my hope. He has a hectic work schedule and communicated this much, I trusted that this was the reason for his habitual scarcity.
Then came July, when my partner looked up his reddit and saw he had ads to flirt with other people with his girlfriend. This friend told me he was dying on discord that same month. I was afraid of him dying, I took his word for it, I sobbed for months over the possibility of him dying. Sure it stung that they were doing poly stuff and I was cut out of that completely, but I would have preferred him lying to me about him dying than him actually on his death bed. It hurt that they were doing poly things without me while he kind of judged me for being poly, but what hurt worse was the relentless funeral flashes I had of him for 2 months straight afterwards.
Intrusive, relentless, and vivid images of him in a casket flooded my mind and made me buckle over in pain every single fucking day for 2 months.
I waited for a couple of months on edge, seeing this friend's funeral play over and over in my mind, this eroded my stability even more, him struggling and me being unable to do anything about it. It was horrible. All I had was his texts, this friend's word. It had occurred to me then that if this friend ever died, I don't even matter enough to be notified of that. That was a sickening, haunting feeling.
I drowned that feeling to stay his friend as best as I could, he started to pull through it in August/September, all of this in text, scarce text.
October rolled around, I wanted to just see this friend for my birthday on webcam, not even for anything sexual, I just wanted to see him alive and well, even for just 10-15 minutes. I saw his funeral play over and over in my mind for months, I just needed to see his smile to ease those flashes.
He wished me happy birthday in passing four days later, his career was coming apart and Thanksgiving was around the corner. I knew that I'd destabilize over the holidays and I didn't want to dump that on him during his struggle and also I knew that he'd likely introduce his girlfriend to his family for the first time.
That, that had cut me in a particular way, going from having that Thanksgiving back in 2018 to being completely amputated out of his life by Thanksgiving of 2019. I left for two months so I wouldn't have to feel the full force of that reality and to work on patching myself up. I blocked him on discord so I wouldn't blow up his messages but I did leave a message explaining myself and an email if he needed to reach out to me, if he needed a friend.
He didn't even wish me happy Thanksgiving.
Randomly, literally randomly, I stumbled onto a post on reddit that had "success story" posted on it, I hadn't seen that before, it was odd so I read it. The details were very familiar, I pieced together that this was his girlfriend writing about their relationship. She seemed to really care about him, that made me smile. I cried, but I was happy for him, truly.
I wasn't sure if he had gotten my discord message when I blocked him, so that late December I messaged him on reddit if he wanted to be my friend, if I was someone worth knowing to him, that I unblocked him on discord. He friend requested me on discord the same day, it was surprisingly prompt.
I was still unstable from the holidays so I kept my words a bit scarce till January. He told me that he was no longer something I could have. I didn't know what to make of this, this confused me.
I sent a photo one day and my shirt was loose, he thought I did that on purpose but it was loose because I had lost 70lbs in 2019 and my clothes were huge. This kicked off more intense flirtation.
I was becoming more emotionally messed up over him, at that point I was sending any sort of sexy photos if it just meant that I could hear from him and know he was alive. He is at risk with covid with his lungs and he didn't slow down after almost dying in July, this fucked me up on a lot of levels. I was sending nude photos to try to incentivize him, to practically beg him, to take better care of himself and to just see him.
I even reminded him to take his inhaler, he had acquired asthma and a number of allergies in 2019, and because he didn't take that inhaler for 2 months straight (while I was reminding him) he got sick and almost died in July. This only added to the horror for me. I tried to help him and I was dismissed, likely ignored.
He started sending photos to me for the first time since he started dating her. He said he loved my writing for the first time, he talked of how beautiful I looked these days, like I looked like a different person. He talked of my unusual skin color, how it was pale (implying that I looked better with pale skin, this rubbed me wrong but I let it slide then). He was treating me like I was a different person, this felt sickening.
At first sending him sexy things of myself felt amazing, and then it started to feel disgusting. It felt like I was paying for his time, his very scarce time, with my nudes. I was paying for his time to interact with me just so I could see he was alive. This level of desperation was becoming depressing and awful.
I asked about his girlfriend and he was very, very dodgy about that. This rubbed me wrong too. I wanted to meet her, to thank her for being what I couldn't for him. She had doctor friends that helped him when he got sick in July. She had stable career, I couldn't earn this with the family and circumstances I was granted despite my best efforts.
I was a scholarship student with a duel major and a 3.89/4.0 once, but my own upbringing and mental illnesses, along with getting abused by the mental health systems that I turned to in order to help myself, ripped that from underneath of me. I ended up homeless 2 years after graduation, I had to flee abroad to earn another chance at life.
Back then, I had one chance in life, one, and I got ill. I got punished for 10 years because I got ill, as an individual that comes from 4 generations of mental illness and abuse. She achieved the things that I couldn't because I came from poverty, mental illness, and abuse/dysfunction and I didn't have the community/social savvy/funds to earn better for myself.
It was like he chose an unbroken version of me, he even said that we were similar on a few occasions. I was almost given up for adoption at birth, it was like he chose the version of me that got adopted out to a loving family in Boston, the version of me that didn't go through the things that I went through. At the time, that felt pretty fucking awful, especially during the most painful time of year for me.
It felt fucking awful to feel like I got acceptance and even respect from someone I admired one minute to being tossed aside for a better model the next.
I understood and forgave that, I wanted to hug her for being there for him. I loved her for loving him in my place, even though I never met her. She achieved my dreams of becoming fluent in Japanese and living/working in Japan, she achieved the things I couldn't in this lifetime, the things that were once my dreams and ambitions, the things I was fully capable of earning for myself if I wasn't dragged down over and over again, the things I was forced to let go of to retain what sanity I had left to push forward.
At first I resented that life didn't break her like it broke me, sometimes that resentment bubbles up, but overall, even though he paid tens of thousands of dollars to date her basically, she seems to be sticking by him and I appreciate that.
Mid-April was the last straw for me. I gave the most I could give, and the trajectory of our dynamic disgusted me. I was getting nothing out of it besides a slow boiling sense of rage. I walked away then and didn't reach out to him again. In May I looked her up, and I saw that they were engaged.
He didn't tell me that he was engaged, they were engaged for months and he didn't tell me. He dodged the fact that he was getting engaged as he was flirting more with me. I felt so disgusting for sending an engaged man, a man engaged in a monogamous marriage, my nude photos. I got too desperate for that fleeting sense of family I had with him, I chased him online for 18 months for a day I'd never have with him again, he was never truly forthcoming about this, I was just getting dismissed and muted.
Until I got hot enough to notice again.
I suspect he tried to kind of contact me on a burner account, I had gotten a weird message on a particular post, I had posted my romance writings that I wrote only to him, it at first said that they loved my nudes and then it was promptly changed to something about loving my smile and there was a link to a male sex toy. The moderator deleted the comment but I tried to private massage the person before hand, they never responded. That account had no other activity on it than posting that comment and it was made the same day of the post. That account was deleted some weeks later.
Out of some mild paranoia, disgust, anger, resentment, I started writing so many angry posts to myself, not on public forums, about the both of them, then deleted them. This helped me move forward. In those writings, I gave myself permission to be livid and bitter, to say the shittiest things I could think to say about the both of them, it felt gratifying. They didn't need to read it, no one did, but it felt like a breath of fresh air. I have been too kind to too many people for too long for too little, those writings was the first time I gave myself permission to be a complete jerk.
I've been through far worse than this, far worse. This isn't even in the top worst 100 things I've had to cope with. I'm just in pain over trusting such a beautiful moment and then this is how it pans out. This has affected my overall trust in reaching out to new people, and that's fucked because I've only felt safe enough to reach out at all in the last 2 years or so. 4 years prior to that I was in full-hermit mode, even my online interactions were virtually non-existent. I had to survive to take care of my partner, those were very harsh days.
But this situation with this individual had a particular effect on me. He looked like my first love that I was addicted to for 15 years or so. I was addicted to that first love to cope with the abuse and dysfunction in my life while sustaining my high grades and over-achievements. I found myself repeating some of those same patterns with this online friend to cope with my current life and with my partner and myself being mentally ill/struggling all of the time.
That Thanksgiving day subconsciously felt like I got to share time with my first love again, like I got back something precious that I lost years ago. It was magical for me to feel like I had that back after so much pain and hurt for so long, and to feel like that could be part of my new life was an overwhelmingly beautiful sentiment. It was like my first love loved me back...And then I lost that in a blink of an eye without any warning during a painful/stressful time of year.
This time around I established healthier coping mechanisms along the way and that allowed me to walk away and let go of this pal for good. It hurts, it hurts so much, but a lot of that hurt is compounded by my own traumas and I've not looked either of them up since May.
I messaged her in May because there was one last thing that didn't sit well with me, she wrote about how all those women before mistreated him, I was completely edited out of his story. This pissed me off, but too, I wanted to thank her, I needed that closure, I earned that much.
Seeing their wedding stuff online, like the invites and menus, her dress, and thanking her for being there for him was the closest I would get to seeing him happy at his wedding with the love of his life. He wasn't acting like a guy that was about to marry his first love, this pissed me off too.
I hurt from this but staying would have been far worse for me. Has anyone else had this kind of experience? If so, how did you navigate it and how long approximately did it take for you to fully regroup from it?
Had I known I'd emotionally pay for this chase this much and that me loving him wouldn't matter to him at all in the long run, I would have blocked this individual when he started dating his now fiancee.
I don't regret the chase, I needed to see it through, I needed to see if how he was with me was real. If this heartache is the price to see it through, then that's alright. I've raged in so many letters to myself about this all, wrote some pretty harsh things. Not to either of them nor on any public post, just to myself. Not out of cowardice, but because I do care and I don't want to add crazy to their lives, but I need to do what helps me move forward.
It is better to see it through then to be wondering "what if". I hurt from this, but I am satisfied that there is no room for "what if" for me anymore. I used to envy her achievements a bit, but I learned of what I earned from my traumas and strife. I can catch up, in some years, only my hardships have hardened me and my will.
Her achievements, the things I could have accomplished in an alternative timeline, I no longer place that on a pedestal, I have been shattered, but I have evolved as a result too. This strength that I forged to achieve what I've achieved here, that is worth more to me than those ambitions now. I love who I am now more than who I could have been, the person I saw when I saw her photo, the version of me who was adopted out in Boston.
I am healing more everyday, but when I heal enough, I will be formidable, nothing will stop me from realizing my ambitions and living my values in this lifetime with my partner.
This hurts now, but like the rest of my wounds, it will heal in time. Writing this helped. Again if anyone went through something similar or if you have any thoughts to share, I'd greatly appreciate that.
How would something like this affect most people? What more can I do to help this heal?
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I've been seeing a lot of posts asking for this. To the best of my ability I'll list what I've found with evidence. I'm addressing Alex Mahan as "EvaX" instead of "YanDev" because I don't think it's very accurate to call him a developer.
Important note: I don't condone the harassment of Alex Mahan. While it is fine to be outraged over his behavior, harassment of any kind is not encouraged. The purpose of this post is to bring to light the morally inept behaviors that have been expressed throughout the years, not to create reasons to harass Mahan.
About CannotGoogleMe: There is now proof beyond reasonable doubt (99%) that confirms CannotGoogleMe is EvaX. Subject is under 2015.
Lastly, if I'm missing any information or if someone would like to make a better timeline, feel free to take from this post or build off of it- you can copy-paste! The goal is to make a comprehensive list to get the facts straight so that everyone is better informed.
The notes about his age is to prevent any arguments about his age ("he was only a teen when he wrote that!"), and to give a better example of... is this a good reflection of how an ___ aged man should behave? Also provided as a DEFENSE for EvaX himself (as seen in "ideation of killing his parents) as he is speculated to only be 16.
(Please comment any info/evidence I'm missing instead of messaging me)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Under Construction /Ambiguous dates / Misc.
Ideation of killing his parents (2000's- unknown date)
EvaX has been known to be a frequenter of sites like Gaia and 4chan. He posted about wanting to kill his parents; someone advised him to move out but he didn't want to as he was a dependent. While this is worrisome behavior, the speculated time of the post places EvaX to be in his late teens (most likely 16?), so it's not quite relevant to his behavior now besides building a background of repeated behavior and an unstable/ dangerous mindset.
Abusing Stream Watchers
Called a person an a*tistic little b*tch in a stream. Unfortunately it was deleted and I cannot find any evidence of it (if found I'll put it here), but this was also part of the stream that was captured by a kiwi before being deleted (speculated to have occurred on 2009 or 2015, based on the dates, making EvaX ~21 or 27).
Master Post of stolen assets
Link
Unprofessional Interactions Compilation
Link
Mulberry
YanSim's main artist has some allegations against her for tracing art. Not a callout for her, just that it means there are stolen images/ traced art in the game, and I'm not sure if people want to support that.
Spaghetti Code
A very long video that does a good job in covering the code. The video is segmented if you wish to look for a specific subject, and is also in the description.
Loserz Message Board
2006-2007 (~18-19 y/o)
EvaX was part of the Loserz Message Board (Loserz webcomic forum) and has made some questionable posts and comments about women and general incel thoughts. Most of his activity were in 2006-2007 (18-19 y/o), so hold these against him with consideration of his age.
Playing a Porn Game with an Underaged Character
2006 (~18 y/o)
EvaX frequented a forum to guide him on a game called Rapelay, a pornographic game centered around sexually assaulting a mother and her two daughters, one of whom is underaged. While the forum has no pictures, click at your own risk due to the nature of the game.
Alleged Pastebin of EvaX addressing Streaming Abuse
EvaX has/had a private website where he streamed and interacted with people, and this is apparently a response to EvaX abusing mod powers (banning, censorship, etc.)

Volunteer Mistreatment
Many volunteers have stopped working with EvaX after harsh treatment or problematic behavior. Will be updated with more information

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
2005-2012 (17- 24 y/o; "Life of a Sex Slave" was written in 2009, making him ~21 y/o).
Disturbing Fanfictions
EvaX wrote many stories, some about rape and human trafficking (sex slaves). Read at your own risk. In one of the stories, a character was 10 years old when she first experienced rape (and it goes on until her late teens).
2006 (~18 y/o; site lists as 20 but it's either wrong or EvaX forgot to update copyright)-
Name Origin / Confirmation
EvaXephon's name is a combination of Alex Mahan's favorite animes, NGE ("Eva" coming from Evangelion) and RahXephon (Xephon). EvaX has a fanmade site to compare these two animes and confirms that they are the origin of his username.
Rage tendencies
In a conversation in a forum post, EvaX mentions "rage" tendencies and that he has been forbidden from screaming to relieve stress. He mentions hitting objects and more screaming. There are more incel posts at this time.
2008 (~20 y/o)-
Incel / misogynistic Gaia Posts
EvaX confirms he is NotDepressedAnymore (the UN for most of these posts).
EvaX posts an "incel" post on Gaia where he blames his physical appearance for the lack of attention from girls ("I'm a nice friendly guy and I just want people to give me a chance [...] I guess my face makes me look like a creepy, weird guy, so no one wants to know me or be around me"). Here's a similar post. And another one. Aand another one. Aaaaaaaaand another one.
Branching off of this, EvaX has sexualized women and "creep'd" on them. In one post, he mentions staring at a girl's breasts and wonders if his creepy behavior made her cover up.
2009 (~21 y/o)
Sisefs- soliciting nudes and engaging in online sex with a minor
In a post from the victim herself, she confirms that she was in a relationship with EvaX, with EvaX KNOWING she was 14. He justified this relationship by saying that since he was homeschooled, he missed out on dating in high school. She was in MIDDLE SCHOOL.
He asked her for nudes, sexted over skype, and masturbated to her on webcam.
Here's a chatlog with a different girl; use control-f to find "sex". It's predatory. Sisefs is mentioned in the chatlog, but EvaX lies about his experience with her and her character (most importantly, that she was a minor):
" She did a bunch of bad stuff, like...she lied about her age, and she started a website to give people a place to say bad things about me, and her parents took away her Internet privileges because she was taking nude pictures of herself and sending them out to people. She sent me her nude pictures (and she sent them to like 100 other people too) and somehow, this means "EvaXephon requests child porn from minors". I deleted all of her photos as soon as I discovered that she had been lying about her age the whole time. She was not a good person at all, and I am very glad that I don't know her anymore.""
He also wrote this in context of his experience with Sisefs in 2015 (~27 y/o).
He later makes an tumblr post addressing Sisefs in 2015 (~27 y/o) and general pedophilia/ sisefs situation in 2017 (~29 y/o).
Tumblr user Wunkolo talked to EvaX about this and this was part of his response in an email.

2011-2014 (~23-26 y/o)-
"VideoGameBabes" Twitter
EvaX is confirmed to be the owner of the twitter account "VideoGameBabes". The account is centered around writing about... hot video game "babes", and while that in itself is kinda problematic, he goes beyond that by making a pedophilic comment- "Japan has produced yet another game about fondling underage anime girls. All praise to glorious Japan!"

2014 (~26 y/o)-
Luna Scythe / Skullgirl Programmer Rant
EvaX worked on a hack-and-slash called Lunar Scythe, and he posted it to a skullgirls forum. There has been criticisms from people, as the main character looks like a generic edgy girl (and bears similarity to Ruby?) and has an overly "sexy" vibe. The description of the game literally says
" At the beginning of the game, Luna dies. As Luna’s spirit looks down at her own body, she feels nothing but apathy. She didn’t want to live in a world filled with human filth*, anyway.* "
EvaX showed his game to Mike Z., the lead programmer of Skullgirls. Here's the pastebin transcript of when Eva X and Mike Z had a conversation about the game. He gave EvaX criticism and EvaX blew up in a later post.This is why some people have called Yandere Simulator a "Spite Game" in response to YS fans calling Love Letter the same.
Senpai's Little Sister Controversy
EvaX originally wrote Senpai's sister to be cute and innocent, but wanted to make her "lewd/ jailbaity". This is problematic because Hanako is underage. His defense was that it would make people feel less guilty about killing her.
He later states that Hanako and Senpai are only 3 months apart (same parents) when that is biologically impossible. Also controversial due to incest implications- however, this is a common trope in anime.
Unfortunately, a lot of the posts/ evidence are in yandere_simulator and that is currently in lockdown (and most likely deleted). I'll update if given pictures.

2015 (~27 y/o)-
Addressing suggestions to remove panty shots
I think the post speaks for itself. EvaX thinks people are too sensitive when they tell him to remove a feature in the game that is literally creeping on underage girls, and he wants to implement rape into a game about murdering minors?
Admits he has no formal training
The reason why his code is spaghetti is because he learned while messing around in free programs and from his experience at a company.
Existence of Sex Doll ( "Mai Waifu" character namesake )
CannotGoogleMe is confirmed to be EvaX. Controversial as it is heavily implied that EvaX has bought the doll using Patreon money, as well as naming a class 1-1 (freshman) underage character after his sex doll, placing her at around age 14-15. They have similarities, such as pink hair (which was inspired by a Momoka cosplayer EvaX saw). Forum posts start at 2012, but doll posts begin at 2015.
Click links with caution. First is the "Mai Waifu" and gets close to nudity but has spoiler tags, while the "Samus" one is less risque.

2016 (~28 y/o)-
Censorship on Yandere Simulator Wiki
While EvaX is the "dev", he doesn't have the right to remove posts on a fan-run wikia. He barged into the wiki and started removing posts and comments and got banned, then started a flame war with another user. They told him "you aren't above the rules" and EvaX starts attacking his personality and credibility (ad hominem fallacy).
Ayano in Crush Crush (A Porn Version exists)
Crush Crush is an idle dating sim, and EvaX agreed to let Ayano be made into a dateable character. It is partnered with Nutaku (a well-known adult company) and has a NSFW version (link to twitter, not the game. Safe to click). The 18+ version has a still image of the main character (a white blob) doing it with any of the dateable characters, Ayano included.
Ayano is 18* (Ayano previously was listed to be around 17, but has since been boosted to be 18). There is a classic tactic for people who draw/make/etc. porn to say that all characters depicted are 18+, even if specified otherwise. This seems like a similar case.
Sex License
In a conversation with someone EvaX addresses as "N", he talks about an idea to bypass the age of consent. EvaX did not condone "N" demonizing pedophiles, and defended his idea for a sex license- a test to see if an underage individual is ready for sex (his argument being that people have different maturities regardless of age).
" Intent on forcing me to answer a question that would allow her to brand me as a pedophile, she demanded to know if I would permit a 14-year-old to have sex with a grown man if the 14-year-old had passed the “sex license test” that I had proposed.
Well, obviously, if there’s a test that objectively proves that a person is ready for sex, and a person passes that test, then that person is objectively ready for sex. This is simple logic, but “N” lacked the mental capacity to figure this out for herself."

2016-2017 (~28-29 y/o)-
Nemesis Origin / Stolen concept
Nemesis was based off this art as stated by EvaX himself. To EvaX's credit, he did change Nemesis's hairstyle with the artist's approval, albeit the character design is still very, very similar. (In Mission Mode, it is revealed that Nemesis is Hanako from the Mission Mode alternate timeline, meaning she is underage).

2017 (~29 y/o)-
Stolen Art Used in a Video
EvaX stole multiple fanart from teenagers across some art platforms (Deviantart, tumblr, etc.), blacked them out, and used them to tease new characters. A user has made a very descriptive post about this on the wikia.
Some of these characters are from licensed video games and anime (Elsword and Durarara), so I'm concerned about the legality of using a different company's character to promote your own, even if it's through STOLEN fanart.

2018 (~30 y/o)-
Calls Patreon his Tip Jar
EvaX says the patreon is his tip jar, not the budget for the game. He SOMETIMES compensates volunteers with money from it, however. This is noteworthy as most people assume that the money they're giving him are to support the game, not buy an extra switch or a sex doll (allegedly).

2019 (~31 y/o)-
Announces crossover with Project QT (Porn Game)
Ayano is in the crossover, and EvaX defends this choice by saying "YanSim was never intended for children; my audience is mostly adults". Click the first link at your own risk. This is problematic because Ayano is underaged* (even if EvaX says "ALL CHARACTERS ARE 18 EVEN IF SPECIFIED OTHERWISE HURR DURR").

2020 (~32 y/o)-
Discord Speedrun Ban Arc
EvaX made a post addressing what happened to him in 2020, with the "Discord Speedrun Ban Arc" being the first. He states that this started on Jan 20, 2020, and on the same day he posts a tweet about suicidal ideation. Not so much as a demerit to him, but just a reflection of how he handles stressful situations and his poor state of mind. (Important note: even if you think EvaX is a terrible person, harassment is not okay).
Announces crossover with BITC (Porn Game)
Ayano and Nemesis are in the crossover. EvaX just makes a simple post announcing it. Same underage problem applies (as aforementioned, Nemesis is Hanako from another timeline, making her underaged, while Ayano had her age changed to "18").
Intimidating rival games and threatening suicide to the Dev of Love Letter
To the developer of WMN (telling him to take down the game and lie to the fanbase)
and to the developer of Love Letter (suicide threat)
Puts discord server and subreddit on lockdown; censorship
No description needed.

submitted by throwaway-0410 to Osana [link] [comments]


2020.07.17 18:34 SteamGamerSwapper Me [m34] she [35] Chance to move from a friendship to a relationship? (full background story)

Disclaimer: I'm not very experienced in relationships sorry in advanced for the english mistakes that could find in my long text. Please read the whole story my doubts are at the end of it. 
I met my friend on 2018 (she is foreign 7 hours by bus) we hanged out like 2 times we had dinner, fun (not sex, not kiss) but I perceived her interest in me. After that we kept talking from time to time by mail cuz I didnt have whatsapp, till mid 2019 that I told her that I had a GF and I met her when she stoped talking to me like for 3 months. She showed a reaction like she really wanted to travel to see me, she asked me to tell her about my GF; I told her basic stuff name, profession. I decided to start calling her "friend" after few months.
She kept looking for me sending messages I was answering them from time to time. Till now 2020 where she started to message me telling me that she missed me, that I was not paying her attention (again like I was forgetting about her) I ignored answering that and keep talking about something else. Now she is not reaching me out as often or with the same frequency as she was.
I contacted her last friday saying that I missed her , she said that she missed me back. She proposed me that we could talk on saturday on skype. She told me on skype that saturday that she used to get in bed early like 8pm and stayed up to 10pm just for us to talk. I used my webcam (I promised last time that the next one I'll have one) she didnt used hers, she told me that she was not using make up and was not proper for the ocassion and she promised to use it next time, we never arrange a date for the next one.
Now the July the 20th is "the friends day" and I was thinking something like "thanks for your unconditional friendship, happy friends day" (cuz me and her are not interested in having "distance relationships"). I actually want her to perceive that I would like to have something more with her, more than a just a friendship. I feel like keep "being friends" its good for distance but the message is wrong if I'm thinking about having something else with her. She was never explicit about her feelings with me and I was not neither, cuz I had a GF. I find weird to tell her directly by a skype call that I like her if she and I dont have the possibility to be together at that right time... Do I wait for her message, do I reply it back if she writes it to me (with the one I had in mind?)?
Her birthday is on July the 21th, one day after, this is the message that I was looking to send her. "I was really proud of her growth as a person and I would like to see the most complete version of her" is this something good that will be showing that I have some interest on her? Is it a message that shows that I'm looking forward something more than our friendship?
Those are "important messages" cuz they were close in date I wanted to send something in the right direction. But most importantly is what should I change in the way that I talk with her to send the right message?. How should I react if she still calls me friend? ignore it? call her back "friend"? I'll be travelling to see her early 2021, should I told her as soon as I get the ticket to "tell her to wait for me" or just wait few days before the fight's day?
I developed most of the story of course there are missing details but I wrote the ones that I considered the most relevant for the story cohesion. I'll appreciate your advices, its really my first post here. I'll appreciate your constructive criticism.
submitted by SteamGamerSwapper to self [link] [comments]


2020.06.19 02:11 EelKat Could you please express any negatives / problems / issues you have with streaming on Twitch.

Strange question without a question mark. The editor in me wants to correct you incorrect use of grammar. It makes it very difficult for me to answer your question when you didn't phrase it in the form of a question.
Also... express? Are you sure you are using that word correctly? I have never heard anyone use it the way you are using it here.
What you wrote:

Could you please express any negatives / problems / issues you have with streaming on Twitch.
What you should have written:
Could you please express any negatives, problems, or issues you have had with streaming on Twitch?
That's better. Now I can answer you.
My first 4 years streaming on Twitch, I had no trouble. None at all.
No negatives.
No problems.
No issues.
I am crippled, bedridden from a broken spine due to being beaten by 3 strangers with metal baseball bats. I already had A.L.S (Lou Gehrig's Disease), but I could still walk. The beating made it worse.
Thus I stream from bed, have a very slow, often slurred, sometimes stuttered, whisper-like voice, and serious hand tremors make it difficult for me to have quick responses in the game (meaning my characters die a lot).
It is difficult for me to speak "normally", as I can not raise my voice, scream, yell, or talk fast due to weak muscles. I lose my breath quickly because my chest muscles are too weak to fully support my lungs. This results in a frequency of me trying to start sentences and repeating the first-word several times in between gasped breaths before I can catch my breath enough to say the full sentence. As such this makes me the target of mean jokes and bullying about my poor ability to "act like an entertainer", as other streamers do.
The tremors in my fingers, hands, and arms, affect my ability to play fast paced games, make it difficult for me to hit targets in combat, and overall my movements and actions in game are slow and stuttered. As such this makes me the target of mean jokes and bullying about my poor ability to play on a pro-level like I used to do.
But the mean jokes and bullying were infrequent one or two trolls in a month's worth of daily streams. It was easy enough to simply ignore, ban, and move on without batting an eye.
And so the first 4 years, there were no issues.
...but then 2 years ago, unknown to me, a streamer thought it would be funny to start harassing me, only, I did not know it was happening at first, because she was making lewd sexualized streams about me and posting wild perverted "fan fiction" stories on Discord about me, but I was not aware of this.
In June 2018, something strange happened. I thought nothing of it at the time. It was just another troll to ignore and ban.
Nasty Bitch.
Anyone following me June 2018, well remember Nasty Bitch.
The VOD is still up. You can still watch it and hear what she had to say for yourself.
June 2018, a troll showed up in chat and posted: "Nasty Bitch" several times in chat. Then posted several long rant posts that started out by saying: "How can any one stand this woman, she a porn star Nasty Bitch." The posts went on and on and on ranting Bible verse quotes, screaming "REPENT!" and accusing me of a myriad of sex sins.
At the time, I had no mods in chat. Never needed one before.
The whole thing was baffling. But like every troll before her, and I know it was a HER, I'll tell you how in a second... But like every troll before her, I did not respond at all, completely ignored her, banned her, and continued on with my stream, like nothing had happened.
About 10 minutes later... gun shots rang threw the street, as a woman in her 30s with long dark brown ponytail, drove up in a black sedan. Three men got out of the car shooting guns, while the woman, marched up to the window... you can see her in the VOD... and began screaming: "NASTY BITCH! NASTY BITCH! NASTY BITCH! NASTY BITCH! NASTY BITCH! THINK YOU CAN BLOCK ME! I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE! SEE I'M HERE! NASTY BITCH! NASTY BITCH! NASTY BITCH! NASTY BITCH! NASTY BITCH!" in the window, which was only a few inches from me and my webcam.
The police identified the woman as the niece of Mark. Yes. Mark of Mark and Dan. Mark, who drove a backhoe over my house. (See pictures lower down on my profile) Mark, who arrives at my house with the Ku Klux Klan and marches around in my driveway chanting "Too Gay For The Family Friendly Town of Old Orchard Beach!". Mark, the one who accuses me, a natural-born female who has had 7 miscarriages, of being a male to female transgender person. That Mark.
Just as Mark's weird sexualized accusations before had baffled me, so too did Nasty Bitch's sexual accusations about me, also baffle me. But seeing how the police IDed her as Mark's niece, my assumption was that, she was just a psych nut job riled up by his psycho-conspiracies. So, I continued to not make any connection to these events with Twitch, because I did not yet know what the streamer mentioned before was doing.
In July 2018, a few more trolls showed up. Again, making wild sex accusations at me, quoting Bible verses, screaming repent. They babbled on calling me an erotica author, a BDSM dominatrix, and blubbering about whips and chains and bondage. Well, as my channel has always had a strict no-sex policy, just as my offline life has a strict no-sex policy, seeing how I'm asexual and also a nun of a religious order... I did what I always did: ignore the trolls, do not engage, do not respond, just ban them, and move on.
But this time, stuck in my mind because unlike previous trolls, these people seemed to be a "group", sort of like an angry mob, and they arrived together, and it appeared as though, they had been sent to my channel by someone else. The things they said and the way they all arrived at once, indicated that someone had told them all sorts of sex lies about me, worked them into a religion crazed frenzy, and then sent them to my channel.
It was just bizarre.
But, I ignored it and moved on. Never mentioned it. Never talked about it. Assumed it was an isolated incident.
The thing that was puzzling me was the sex references.
I've been on the internet since 1996, and it's always been a well-known fact that I am asexual, have post-traumatic stress disorder as a result of brutal rape, and my phobia level meltdowns of sheer terror that are triggered by the mere mention of sex are legendary across the internet.
EVERYONE knows to not mention sex near me, to shun sex when I'm around, ad to act like sex does not exist when they are near me. Most people are absolutely terrified to even hint to sex near me because they know how bad my post-traumatic stress disorder is and how bad my panic attacks can get if you mention sex in my presence.
And thus sex had never been mentioned in my chat before... not once in 4 years. But now, in the space of a few days, there had been 2 attacks on my channel, and one on my home, all surrounded around the topic of sex.
Trolls before these had bullied about obvious things they could see in my streams: my near-silent voice, my slow response time in gameplay, etc. But these 2 attacks, they were different, and they puzzled me.
August 2018. A partnered streamer showed up in my chat. He kept asking questions. I answered them. They were seemingly innocent questions. Nothing out of the ordinary. The same type of questions most average viewers ask most average streamers. He seemed genuinely curious at first. Harmless. No red flags went up over this guy at all.
Unknown to me, while he was posting in my chat, he was also live streaming.... live streaming my stream, while making heavily sexualized jokes to his chat. This went on daily for a month, with me clueless to his "co-streaming my stream, while he chatted in my chat.
September 19, 2018.... he raided my channel with 712 raiders. The raid message was "deserved to be raped".
I blocked most of the raiders.
The next day, they returned. The raid message was "kill eelkat".
I blocked most of the raiders.
The next day, they returned. Some raided with the message "deserved to be raped", others with "kill eelkat".
The raids went on daily.
Yes, the streamer was blocked. He started doing "YouTube style" raids, of just posting the link to my channel in his chat and everyone clicked the link and arrived.
I continued to ban them.
They created throwaway accounts as fast as I banned them.
The attack was baffling because these people were accusing me of every sex perversion under the sun. And yet, I am asexual and sex is not a part of my life at all.
It was clear that someone was spreading sex rumors and sex lies about me, but who and why I did not know.
These people were enraged. They were fundamental Christians with a burning desire to murder everyone in the sex industry, and had somehow got it into their heads that I was what most of them termed "a BDSM Dominatrix with bondage fetish".
It was a terrifying and chaotic onslaught of confusion. I simply could not understand what was motivating them in their hatred or how they had come to such wild sexual conclusions about me and who I was.
I had 7,000+ followers back then.
The raiders went to my follower list and clicked through to every one of my followers and started harassing them. They sent death threats to my followers, telling my followers to unfollow me or else.
I found out this was happening because some of my followers contacted me and told me what the "deserved to be raped" raiders were doing to them. Several followers sent me messages saying they were unfollowing because they were scared for their families.
By October 2018 I had 135 followers, down from 7,000 just a few weeks prior.
November 10, 2018, I did the thing I never wanted to do... 4 years after receiving the invite to join affiliate, I accepted the affiliate onboarding... I had qualified for affiliate my 3rd month of streaming, but had not wanted to have streaming as an income source, didn't want to deal with additional IRS tax forms... so remained not an affiliate for 4 years... but because the deserved to be raped raiders were out of control, and no matter how fast I banned them or how many I banned, their throwaway accounts just kept multiplying. It was like every single one of them had 100+ backup accounts.
November 10, 2018, I finally accepted the affiliate invite, so I could set my chat to subscriber-only. It was the only way to keep the deserve to be raped raiders out of my chat. But there was no way to keep them from harassing my followers, not while Twitch had a public follower list.
February 2019... the big attack happened... 5 men with guns arrived at my dad's apartment building... you know the rest... if you don't, full details are on several panels of my profile here. You had to scroll past at least one of them to get to this panel.
But... I did not yet know what ThingyChan was doing, or that she was the evil spinstress behind the Deserve to be Raped Raids.
For those asking if I'm ever going to return to Twitch streaming... I don't know at this point. I'm sick of the harassment.
It's been 2 years since I last did a stream when ThingyChan DID NOT send her group of shithead dipshits to my chat to chant "deserved to be raped" and "kill eelkat".... she has done it with 712 of my streams so far and blocking her and her 800 dipshit cultist followers do no good because they create new throwaway accounts as fast as I block and ban them.
That was bad enough, but she also made 200+ VODs each 4 to 7 hours long, that do nothing but spread highly sexualized malicious lies about me, in which she made the false accusation calling me a "bondage freak", a "BDSM dominatrix", and claiming I had a "foot fetish".
Her running gag memes on Discord are out of control, and not having a Discord myself, I was unaware of them. She started a trend, where if anyone, anywhere, talking about anything, said the word "BDSM", "bondage" or "foot fetish", everyone who read it was to reply in the comments below it "just like EelKat".
Additionally, she built up this massive post-written-rpg-fan-fiction of me, while claiming it was 100% true, depicting me as a whip carrying, pleather wearing, BDSM dominatrix, strip dancer, porn star, who own a gang bang house for men to pay money to be tortured by me.
This went on for 2 full years on Discord before I found out about it, and spanned over 2,000+ Discord posts, JUST WRITTEN BY HER, and not including the many, many, many TENS OF THOUSANDS of posts written by her fans, including her 150+ of which where she used the line: "EelKat is a cunt for liking that pussy Avallac'h".
One of the worst things she did, was to take the horrifying sexual, child abuse I suffered through at the hands of my uncles, and take word for word, line by line, EVERYTHING my uncles dd to me as a child, and make memes of Avallac'h doing those things to Ciri, knowing full well Avallac'h and Ciri and my favorite characters and that my obsession with Avallac'h is in part psychiatric prescribe therapy to use as a coping mechanism for dealing with the abuse I went through at the hands of my pedophile uncles.
On Twitch, she made an active stalking habit of finding very-pro-fundy-Christian groups, telling them her wild sex lies about me, working them into violent attack mode frenzies, and then siccing them on my channel chanting in my chat the message "deserve to be raped" and "kill eelkat". This went on from August 2018.
The worst thing though was sending 5 gang rapists with guns to my house. They totaled 3 cars including my Dazzling Razzberry, raped 2 military wives in the apartment next door to mine, killed a 10 year old boy, beat up and hospitalized 3 elderly men including my 82 year old dad who they put in the hospital with a ruptured kidney, and did $230,000 in damages to our landlord's apartment building, resulting in the city condemning the building, making 28 families homeless, which is why my family moved February 2019.
For the longest time, I was baffled and puzzled by the wild hate that was daily posted in my Twitch chat, from people who were clearly being sent to my channel, pre-worked up, and in a mass hoard, but I could not understand who was sending them or why.
I discovered ThingyChan as being the source of the harassment, on October 21, 2019, when I saw one of her live streams, where she was making a 3d model of a character who she titled "Bjorn The Bondage Freak Just Like EelKat". I had started watching the stream, to find out why my name was in the title. I watched for 3 hours while she and OutSideLane, another streamer on a multi-stream, and 37 members in her chat, and as many more in his chat, in total over 90 people, spent the entirety of the stream talking about my supposed BDSM bondage sex life and how they should make the 3D model Bjorn do the things I supposedly did.
The other streamer suddenly stopped talking and told ThingyChan: "EelKat's in your viewer list, let's take this to Discord" at which point they ended the multi stream.
So, I went to Discord to see what moving it to Discord meant and that's when I found the 2 year long running gag, the 2,000+ posts, and the 200+ VODs.
Among the VODs was one that she did on my birthday August 13, 2019, that was a JackBox stream, and was fully devoted to making 5 hours of lewd, sexualized jokes about me and Avallac'h, and had over 300 people in chat joining in.
When I contacted her to ask why she was doing this... her answer was: "Because it's fun!", "It's just a joke!" and "Besides, retarded cunts don't belong on Twitch".
Jokes are funny. Nothing about what she did is funny. Everything about what she did was mean and hurtful.
And jokes don't cause harm. Two women were raped. A boy died. 3 elderly men were hospitalized. 3 cars were totaled. 28 families were made homeless. The landlord lost his business.
Those are some pretty BIG side effects for "just a joke".
What she did was mean, cruel, and far from harmless.
She has taken her "meme joke" harassment to levels of mind boggling extremes and, I'm just sick of it. She is out of control and she needs to stop.
I would like to be able to stream on Twitch without this psychotic bitch and her equally psychotic followers harassing me, each and every single stream.
I'm not bothering her, I don't know why she is bothering me.
I want her to leave me alone.
Evil is as evil does.
This is a perfect example of an evil person, doing evil things.
Bullies don't care, because bullies are mean and mean people care about no one.
These people are very, very, very mean.
Over the course of 2 years she made 200+ very lewd sexualized streams about me, calling me a BDSM dominatrix and built up this huge fictional fantasy fanfiction world about me that she wrote across 2,000+ posts on Discord... but I was unaware any of this was happening for the 2 years she did it...
Well, 2 years ago, a large partnered streamer started hate raids on my channel and every day would raid my channel with 700+ people with the raid message "deserve to be raped" and they would post a lot of horrible sexual posts in my chat, being very "pro-Christian" while calling me a whore and a prostitute and saying I deserved to be raped to death. Banning them did no good, as they created new throwaway accounts every day.
I finally had to set my chat to emote only. But I was clueless as to why they were doing it, and why they would say me, an elderly (70s) asexual, who dresses with modesty and hijab, was a whore and prostitute.
As time went by, other streamers did similar outraged attacks on my channel, again accusing me of being things like a sex worker or an erotica author, etc.
This started in August 2018 and continued until October 2019 when I one day ran across the streamer who was making the VODs about me.
I was horrified.
I went back and watched 200+ of her VODs and she'd made 5 hour streams about me every day starting April 2018!
And then I found her 2,000+ Discord posts!
She claimed to be my best friend and supposedly was "giving the real scoop" on my life!
She was a 24 year old in Portugal and I'm in my 70s in America!
It turns out, she had 800+ "devoted fans" of her "stories" about me, and had them 100% total convinced I was the deviated sex fiend she was telling people I was, thus why so many people were showing up outraged at my channel!
For the longest time I couldn't understand why people, total strangers were showing up at my channel in these wild outrages angry at some wild sinful sex life they were convinced I had... but then when I finally saw the 200+ VODs and read the 2,000+ Discord post stories she had made about me, now I understand why people thought I was some deviated immoral sex worker.
I contacted the girl and asked her why she was doing this, spreading these horrible lies about me, she said "because it's fun, and besides, retards don't belong on Twitch" (retard referencing the fact that I have Autism aka Kanner's Syndrome).
The whole thing is very upsetting to me and still a year later, she still makes the streams and Discord posts lying about me and spreading horrible rumors about me, and people still arrive at my channel calling me all sorts of bad names and angry at the sex life they think I have because of the lies that girl spreads about me. ...
So in the end, I've no complaints with Twitch itself, but rather with the fact that horrible people are able to use Twitch as a tool to hurt others... this sort of cyberbullying should not happen.
Me, being older, I can shrug it off, as I've encountered worse things in life, but what if this she did this to a young teenager who was suicidal and depressed? I can see how what she is doing could come to a bad end, had she done it to someone else.
Things like this shouldn't happen.
People should not be using streaming as a platform for cyberbullying.
What these people did was wrong on so many levels.
submitted by EelKat to EelKat [link] [comments]