Vent Session Lyrics: This a vent session (A vent), this a vent session (A vent) / This a vent session (A vent), this a vent session (Vent) / This a vent session (Vent ... Available on iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/album/id1279962245 Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/album/6T5KhI6XKspT0Hsi6a8cof Soundcloud: https://soundclou... Vent Session Lyrics When I was playing Tom Sawyer, the world seemed so big I was feeling like Verne Troyer couldn’t wait to get older It ain’t too many me's I can see is I get wiser Venting isn’t uncommon—in fact, in the typical workplace, I’d say it’s almost inevitable. Take me for example: I absolutely love my job and the people I work with. But I got to a point earlier this year where I was having venting sessions almost daily with my co-workers. Frustrations happen, and venting is an easy way to blow off steam. Intro; Vent Sessions Feat. Datin; Triple Threat Feat. Datin & Selah; On The Low Feat. Bizzle, Jered Sanders, & Bazooka; Who Is Like You; Seasons; Out My Zone Feat. But I got to a point earlier this year where I was having venting sessions almost daily with my co-workers. Frustrations happen , and venting is an easy way to blow off steam. But just because it ...
2020.09.30 22:17 NekoSunami Cam hard sex
I just wanted to vent because I feel distressed. I wanted to know if anyone else struggles with customized content.
I am new to onlyfans and I have my account so that I do this for fun. That I post 3 times a week for right now at the least but sometimes I post everyday. Well, I got my First Lady customer. She was very nice. She asked me to do a 10 minute video with a specific outfit for $60 and even though that’s pretty low for me, I took it. After that, She asked me to do a 15 minute video and she wanted me in a school girl outfit. I told her I needed sometime to get the outfit and that my work is really hard right now and I needed time. I told her I was working doubles and I had personal things going on and I appreciated her patience. She did not pay me and we didn’t discuss a timeline. Time started to get away from me.
On my side (My Mom is really sick. One of my teeth is really infected and my hormones are all off and it makes me really upset easily. I’m working like crazy because we are understaffed.)
🥺 4 days later she yells at me! She tells me how I shouldn’t do this line of work if I can’t do a steady stream of personal content. That I might as well not do onlyfans at all if I’m not going to do it 100%. That what’s the point and people might as well go watch porn. (Mind you I’ve still posted everyday.) I felt like she really ragged on me when I was already feeling really upset and she ended up being so adamant that she ended up making me cry.
I tried to calm her down and told her about my work again and I apologized because I still do feel bad and that I was in the wrong. After an 8 hour shift I drove an hour away to grab an outfit because I knew shipping wasn’t fast enough. It was like $40.... I told myself I would want to have an outfit like this anyways. After a bad day being with my Mom in the hospital I got dressed up with lights and a backdrop and everything and I tried to do this video to make this angry lady happy out of obligation.
I get about 8 minutes in and I just start getting so uncomfortable and sick to my stomach. I felt under the gun and so uncomfortable that I seized up and felt so uncomfortable and exhausted. I started to feel even worse because I knew she would yell at me again if I couldn’t get it done today. I told her I was sorry. That I tried. I post the 8 minutes that were good and silenced her because I didn’t want her being mean to me. I told her that I understood if she wanted to get her money back from my subscription price.
I’m new at this and maybe I’m not cut out for this but I think I need to set my own boundaries better. It’s my life and my body. I am the type of person who struggles with mental health. I am not a sex robot for anyone and I just wanted this to be fun. I started camming yesterday and that feels better for me. I want to set better boundaries. I need to understand my own limits..I want to have better communication. I want to have people pay me upfront and pay me more going forward for my time.
Does anyone else struggle with content requests?
Thanks for letting me vent.
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2020.09.30 17:00 SumSum_3306 Hard sex cam
I almost don't even know where to begin. My boyfriend and I have been dating for the last 7 months, and have been in an exclusive relationship for the past 5 months. We dated before for 1.5 years, but I ended things (we were apart for 8 months). That is a whole other story, but let's just say it did not end very well, and I felt a lot of guilt for what I put him through. We had met 2 months after I had ended a 4.5 year emotionally abusive relationship and I was still very raw. I reached out to him 7 months ago and just profusely apologized, explained all of my actions (mostly me being very distant and hard to reach emotionally because of the past abuse), and that nothing he had done was wrong. That I was 100% culpable for my actions, and that if he wanted to talk to me I would love that, but if not he could just trash that email and continue living his life, and I would completely understand.
Well, he responded. We started talking again and seeing each other every weekend. I knew that he was talking to other women when we first started seeing one another. I did not know to what extent. But, he was very distant, and sometimes very very cold. He would essentially see me on the weekend, and then treat me like I was invisible for the rest of the week. I saw it as penance for our last relationship, that I should give him this healing time. That I should keep proving myself to him to show him that this was real, that I deeply loved him, that I am a good person inside and out, and that I had needed the time to really work on myself and heal from my past relationship trauma and from other factors (fathers alcoholism, law school imposter syndrome, etc.). I told him that I wanted to build this relationship from the ground up with nothing but open communication, trust, love, and loyalty. That I would never make him feel judged, that I would always support him, and that no matter what I would be by his side to cheer him on.
About three months into our dating, and about a month of exclusivity, I kept having this nagging feeling that he was lying to me. That natural gut instinct that kicks in when something is just not right. It is like we can sniff out the lies. I was having really bad anxiety about it, thinking I was going crazy. Because he would say all of these beautiful amazing things to me, tell me how amazing everything was, tell me how much he loved me, how this has made him so happy. And yet, the moment we were apart he would disappear. I would feel completely alone, and so unloved. He would give and then just take it all away. Make me feel ultra loved, and then ghost me for a day. I didn't know what was going on, so all I could think was that he was cheating on me. This went on for months. I never fought with him, I never really even brought it up. I just kept working at it. I kept communicating, I didn't let the anxiety ruin anything by making me be too reactive, I didn't withhold. I thought if I just kept putting everything on the line, he would eventually come around and really see me for who I am.
Fast forward to the beginning of September. My anxiety had completely reduced me to looking at his phone. I find a naked picture of another woman, who I identify as one of his ex's, and a lot of dick pics. I am unwound by this. I confront him, and ask what I am looking at. He says he didn't even know that was on his phone, or when he downloaded it, but he probably did it at some point to "jerk off to." I am stunned and totally disgusted. Folks, this is the tip of the fucking iceberg. I forgive him, say I get it, but listen I have some serious boundaries when it comes to this. I said I am not comfortable with you having that on your phone and it needs to be gone forever. I said that naked pictures of ex's is completely crossing the line. He apologized, said he had no intention of hurting me, and deleted it.
This past Monday I was at his place alone. He has an old cell phone that he keeps by his bed that he told me he uses for the alarm. I opened it. Porn. Nothing but porn. Fine, okay I can deal with the fact that his camera roll has nothing but images of women and videos of blow jobs. I go to the web browser and I see a reddit thread. I am like, what am I looking at? It was an account name I had never heard of before, because he shows me his reddit all the time. This apparently was his sex reddit. Where he would post seeking ads on reddit with photos of his dick that would say things like "Anyone want to come play with this? *Insert the city we live in*" And that was from 2 months ago. There were a total of 3 visible seeking posts that he had on that account with photos of his dick, that had been posted 3 months ago and 2 months ago. Then, I go to the messages. I still cannot believe the vile trash that I was reading. He is disgusting.
But now I see that he has a KiK account, I literally didn't even know what KiK was, but he was sending messages to all of these women and saying add me on KiK. So I google it, and realize it is an anonymous app that people use for sexting or hookups. I screen shot everything, and send it to him. He denies it all, plays it off like he would never "do anything that he thought was wrong at the time." Tells me that they are not "real people." Just lie after lie after lie. So, what do I do? I message one of these supposed "cam girls" as he told me. Guess what? Not a cam girl, a whole ass woman who lives in NYC and did me the favor or sending links and screenshots, and saying "ugh, he is total trash," when I informed her what had happened.
We get on the phone later and I tell him everything that I know. That I had contacted this woman, that he is a liar and that he is a cheater, and that if he had anything else to disclose he better fess up because you best believe I am going to find out. Apparently, he ALSO was still occasionally having sexually inappropriate conversations with a woman he had a one night stand with like the night before he met up with me to talk for the first time in March. On top of that, he said he was talking to between 5-10 women on KiK, but claims to have not been "consistent" with any of them. Oh and that the conversations on KiK were so he could jerk off, and that he had no intention of meeting them in real life. (sure). I am humiliated.
I am just physically disgusted by all of this, my skin just crawls at the thought of him even trying to touch me ever again. He has begged me for forgiveness, but I have in my mind reduced him to a stranger. We are still in a relationship, but it is a hollowed out shell of what it was. I don't know what to do. This is all so shocking and has only been discovered this past Monday. I have never in my entire life felt so betrayed by this man who only 2 weeks ago was planning out where we could live and an engagement ring. All I kept asking him was how could he possibly live with the guilt? How could he possibly look me in the eyes and tell me he loves me after all of the torture he has put me through? How can anyone truly be this damaged?
I need help. Someone tell me what I probably already know. I feel so stupid. I am absolutely crushed.
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2020.09.30 15:58 ChocoMilk100 Hard sex cam
Hello, I wanted to make a confession of what I did when I was 19 years old two years ago, this is a mistake that I've tried to make peace with but I just can't. I have these thoughts lingering in my head every day and I question if I even deserve love and respect. So here goes: Ever since I was 12 years old, I became extremely drawn to pornography. It has pretty much consumed my life and still struggle with to this day, I always turn to it when I'm upset, or even bored, I am on the autism spectrum so my mind is very vulnerable to addiction. So because of so much porn I consumed, I became desensitized to it and got bored watching a man and a woman. Eventually I started watching lesbian porn, then gay porn (I'm straight and have no interest in having a relationship with a man, but I see nothing wrong with being homosexual), then it escalated to rape porn, threesomes, trans porn, and even incest pornography. These are things I was never interested in, but my addicted mind became so drawn after it became desensitized to normal pornography. So eventually, I turned 13 and started downloading dating apps and talking to cam girls. I was absolutely craving sex so bad, that I texted my address in the live chat in a cam girl website, I even followed a woman once at 15 but walked away because I didn't like what I was doing, and never truly planned to do anything. And on dating apps, I always tried to find a girl my age or around my age to sext with, then eventually Ivgot frustrated and bored, and got to the point that I ended up not caring and wanted to talk to anybody. Older women, boys my age, older men, trans women, you name it. I even told girls or women that were nearby that I wanted to meet up and have sex, but never did. Simply the concept that it COULD happen is what turned me on, but I never engaged in sex with anyone I met online luckily. At one point, I talked to a pedophilic man and did not care one bit. We sexted and we both talked dirty the whole time. It was a time where I simply didn't care who I talked to, all that mattered was that a person online wants to do something sexual with me, so I went for it so I could get that dopamine rush. Like a drug. Every time I climaxed, I hated it and didn't want to keep doing it with the person I was talking to. The only times where I climaxed and never felt shame, was when I sexted with a girl my age and legitimately was attracted to them.
Eventually I turned 19 and was trying so hard to keep this severe addiction out of my life, but there was this one incident that occurred that really woke me up to what exactly I was doing. I ended up getting a random message for someone on instagram. Apparently they were a 13 year old girl and wanted a boyfriend. I was in a state trying to find a person to sext with so I shamefully went for it without really grasping what I was doing. We flirted and I wanted to video chat, so she called. Suddenly I hear a man's voice telling me I'm a disgusting human being, which completely turned me off and frightened me immensely. He told me he was gonna call the police, and I seriously thought my life was over. I called some family members and was worried they would see me as a pedophile and a freak, but I'm glad to say that they didn't think that at all, and simply gave me emotional support and told me to stay away from these dating apps and sites. I was somewhat relieved but was worried the police would come at my door and take me to prison. My family and friends seeing me as a sick individual who likes children and should rot in a cell. I've never touched a child and I was never tempted to neither. There were plenty of opportunities where me and a child were alone, but I had absolutely no interest in doing anything to them, and the simple thought of me and a child engaging in...you know what, made me grossed out and uncomfortable. All of my fantasies were crushes I had in school, even when I was talking to a guy on a dating site, I never pictured him in bed with me, I kept imagining him as a woman every time. I'm very proud to say that I have no interest in engaging in an activity like that with children, and never brought harm to kids in my life, but my OCD causes me to question myself everyday, and I'm always worried that my reputation will be ruined by this. I want to have an amazing career as a writer, but don't want to be famous. I don't want cancel culture to dig through my past and expose my mistakes due to the chat between me and that person on instagram being screenshot. There are days where I contemplate suicide, but I realize how much I would hurt my family by doing such a thing. I'm confessing all of this now because I can't take it anymore, I want to live an amazing life with a wife and kids, and a super fun career to make me happy. I have no desire to harm anyone or have a relationship with a child, and the people who do should be ashamed and seek help. I just want to hear from all of you and your thoughts. I want to get reassurance that I'm not a creep and I want to do good for everyone. I just felt so desperate in my teen years because of my severe porn addiction, and the desire to be in a relationship with a woman. I've had no luck, so I made mistakes out of desperation and loneliness. It doesn't excuse the mistake I made, it was wrong, stupid, and not ok. I will never justify it. I'm 21 now and never made this mistake again, I'm still addicted to porn but I never try to view anything repulsive or visit dark websites. I'm always talking to girls that are 18+ and am not interested in kids or teens. But I just want to ask, am I a bad or creepy person? I just wanna know, I need closure.
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2020.09.30 05:15 Arachnid_101 A weird situation, pls help
Hi, is it possible that one feels like they have a good enough erection when the stimulus is strong enough? For eg, if u get to sleep with an attractive stranger or are just with them online (cam sex) but not with your wife/husband. And it's not like the spouse is unattractive or something..but u can't get a hard on with them. It's like the mind has separated the sexually arousing side of theirs and dumped it somewhere and all u r left with is a person you can give your life for but just can't have sex with?
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2020.09.30 05:06 Arachnid_101 A taboo question, but I am curious..
Hi, is it possible that one feels like they have a good enough erection when the stimulus is strong enough? For eg, if u get to sleep with an attractive stranger or are just with them online (cam sex) but not with your wife/husband. And it's not like the spouse is unattractive or something..but u can't get a hard on with them. It's like the mind has separated the sexually arousing side of theirs and dumped it somewhere and all u r left with is a person you can give your life for but just can't have sex with?
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2020.09.30 01:03 incorruptible_bk Hard sex cam
9PM Sept. 29: Clare Bronfman has demanded an in-person hearing at the Eastern District court in Brooklyn. Consequently, there will be no call-in number to listen in on the proceedings.
Sorry to get folks hopes up on that.
I'd like to say that this turn belies Bronfman's lawyers' "concerns" about COVID-19. There will undoubtedly be a lot of people arriving for the hearing, enough so that there is reported to be an overflow room booked for the press. This is not a very good time to be doing this because COVID-19 is surging in the City, particularly in Brooklyn.
It makes me angry to note this. Other defendants, in other trials, have accepted remotely conducted hearings during COVID-19. I don't know why this defendant thinks she's so special, but it's entirely within character.
But paraphrasing Barbara Bouchey: I'm willing to give the Girl Scout Try and go to the courthouse and get an idea of what goes on. If there's enough room to socially distance, I'll go in. If I see there's a big crowd, then I'm erring on the side of caution and leaving things to professionals.
6AM Sept. 30 - Below are some writeups (in no particular order) written in anticipation of the sentencing hearing this morning, and also Twitter accounts by individual reporters. Be nice to reporters please.
#ClareBronfman’s sentencing proceeding is on break until 1:45. Victim impact statements just wrapped up. All echoed that their involvement in NXIVM, funded by Bronfman, ruined their lives, and that Bronfman was a Raniere enabler.1:22 Sept. 30 - Giuliana Bruno gives a video update: a dozen victim impact statements. Toni Natale and Barbara Bouchey have spoken. There's also been a statement by someone who has a 13 year old son with Keith Raniere. Video here: https://twitter.com/GiulianaBrunoTV/status/1311355627567034374
Clare, after all the evidence, after countess victims whom you considered among friends—how can you remain loyal to your Vanguard? No matter how hard you try, you cannot be principled if the person you follow is a sociopath and a convicted criminal.2:20PM Sept. 30 - Noah Goldberg of New York Daily News filed this story with some extremely biting words for Clare Bronfman from the victim impact statements: https://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/nyc-crime/ny-clare-bronfman-nxivm-sex-cult-keith-raniere-sentence-20200930-erflkamkqje6teovbg7bpwq44u-story.html
Your Honor, when Raniere raised Clare to power in 2009, she began using her position to exploit me through indentured servitude. As soon as Clare supplanted Nancy Salzman as NXIVM’s de facto decision maker in the executive board, Clare lowered my pay, removed what insignificant privileges the company afforded me and raised my rent—all punishments for my supposed “ethical breach” against Raniere. In truth, she punished me for disobeying him. Salzman would later tell me Clare did these things of her own volition.
“In my opinion you’re a predator. You should feel shame, self loathing ... You should understand there are lives you destroyed," said Susan Dones, a former cult member who cried as she spoke.3:22PM Sept. 30 - I'm back, outside the courthouse. Camera people have started taking positions as if expecting a conclusion (there were 3 victim impact statements, then statements by the lawyers left after the recess).
A number of former NXIVM members delivered victim impact statements to Senior U.S. District Judge Nicholas Garaufis. One of those women was Barbara Bouchey, a former girlfriend of Raniere's who faced years of retaliation by NXIVM after she left the group more than a decade ago.Pilar Melendez / Daily Beast
She called Garaufis' sentence justice served: “When I heard him say 81 months, I was speechless,” Bouchey said.
However, U.S. District Judge Nicholas Garaufis believed she deserved additional time. He gave her almost seven years in prison and a $500,000 fine. Bronfman, wearing a dark face mask with a flower pattern, was taken into custody immediately.Victoria Bekiempis / Vulture (on Twitter)
“I am shocked, relieved and surprised—this is a meaningful win for those of us who were directly victimized by Clare Bronfman,” Ivy Nevares, a former long-time NXIVM member, told The Daily Beast. “None of us were expecting the Court to surpass the prosecution’s recommendation... At long last, justice is being served.”
The overwhelming theme in these [victim-impact] statements: Bronfman weaponized her vast wealth, both by pursuing perceived enemies of the group and enabling Raniere’s behavior. “Claire, you gave millions of dollars to him,” one victim said in a video statement. Even if Bronfman didn’t know what the money went toward, the woman said: “you were and are the propellant to this unyielding fire.”That's all for today. Thanks for following along!
“Did you ever consider that they just wanted your money and what would have happened if you just stopped giving your money?” one woman said. “Would you be as important to them?”
One woman, who said she had a 13-year-old son with Raniere, said that he never paid child support. Because of Bronfman’s financial misconduct, this woman said, the situation “is depriving my son of proper financial support.”
Others described their continued fear of Bronfman, with one saying, “I’m always going to be looking over my shoulder.”
2020.09.28 14:35 unitedcornsofwall Hard sex cam
TW: self harm, thoughts of suicide
Just feel my mental health declining and my thoughts are all over the place.
Hate my whole life including my university degree, my appearance, my relationship and everything in between.
I feel so unhappy with every part of my life but I can't change it and i need to stick at it all to make it better for my future. However I dont see a future for myself anymore its clouded and I just see myself killing myself at a young age.
Feel super depressed about university I have no friends there and my course is now online and the online seminars make me really anxious.
I hate my relationship at the moment I found my boyfriend talking to onlyfans girls in december and now I found out he went on cam sites and downloaded hentai games during lockdown. I feel worthless and unattractive. I love him but I hate the way I feel.
My boyfriend now has mental health issues too so it is hard to support him when I cant support myself and I hold a lot of resentment for him because he doesn't know the way I feel as I have been faithful and wouldn't ever do anything behind his back.
Have body issues such as thinking I'm fat and putting on weight I'm scared to go on the scales because I've been comfort eating and binging so I'm starving myself now to make up for it. Feel ugly like nobody will ever love me including my boyfriend. Feel like he doesnt find me attractive or want to have sex with me anymore. Hate looking in the mirror knowing this is what I'm stuck with and how my body and appearance is forever. Wish I was slimmer and had bigger breasts and less acne scars. Wish I was taller and my face wasnt round like a childs.
My family doesnt know the extent of my problems and it would kill them if they knew I was suicidal and self harming again after about 3 years of sobriety.
Sorry about the mess just in a bit of a crisis and needed to spill my thoughts somewhere. Sorry if it isnt allowed
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2020.09.28 11:05 Meda28Sepl2 Hard sex cam
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2020.09.27 23:29 Hmack1 Hard sex cam
You are about to build a "new house" of your own. You need instructions on how to live a better life. You have not done such a good job. Time to figure out what your screwing up.
Moral Constitution, the Constitution of your autonomy.
You sign this constitution as a declaration of commitment and in solidarity with yourself.When it is ready, You need to sit down with someone else, they are there to bear witness and be your notary. I review mine every year, on the anniversary I wrote my first one. I take it to the notary if there are any changes. That is how much it means to me.
This is a promise to yourself that you will be there FOR YOU from now on. Treat it with the reverence it deserves.
Your MC need to be written down. These RULES are the foundation of your life going forward.
2020.09.27 18:11 Kindly-Quit Sex hard cam
First of all, thanks to everyone who read about my marriage being completely different than I thought it would be!
I realized I might be able to provide some insight into my experience since it’s niche within niche within niche lol.
3 things to unpack about my unusual arrangement:
2020.09.27 16:20 HaulA27Sepl1 Cam hard sex
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2020.09.27 12:05 allieeveknox Hard sex cam
I'm not sure how much money Larissa is making but she is making way more money with her side gigs than her reality show paycheck. And at $1k-1500/episode, big yawn. It might take a few days to film an episode. In that time period, she could now be doing things for her own content sites and make more money off of them.
Let's do some Larissa math: Onlyfans at $25/month. (Onlyfans is a hard one to calculate. I have no idea how many subscribers she has? Like counts don't really provide clues except a minimum number and the majority of subs don't interact with posts. She also has PTV messages, which are messages that people have to pay to see. This is sometimes pics, vids, whatever. The subscriber can't see them unless they pay. The large majority of us OF creators make most of our money that way. She can get out right tipped. She can also sell promo spots to other creators and make a ton (like a "follow my friend, here is her info" kind of post.) She takes home 80% of what she makes on OF.)
Cameos at $100/each. (I don't know if this has always been her price but she has 277 reviews so over that number for sure. She makes 75% cut there.) (Side note: something I found interesting on her cameo bio is that she has her email listed and says contact here for a redo. I wonder if she just does a shitty job and gets complaints?)
Camsoda not 100k: When camsites hire performers, they give performers their fee, maybe $500-$1000 for a solo show. She would have obviously been offered a larger fee, because of her fame (as eye roll as that is to write, it is for real.) So maybe they gave her $10k. 20k, maybe. I seriously doubt and really guess closer to the 10k mark. She doesn't make the tokens, she just gets the rate. So that 100k that was tipped? It goes to Camsoda. That's how every camshow I've ever performed on or produced has worked. If she was to cam on the site as a regular performer, she would make the standard 50-60% (I haven't worked on that site in years but I think they were 60%, which is a higher payout than most sites at 50%.)
Youtube: she can make money here but not like the good ole days. She would also have to put up content consistently. This is harder than thirst trips on OF or 'shoot it one time and done' Cameos.
Plastic surgery at what 70k or whatever? I call bullshit. I think, like many of the Teen Mom cast, she likely got a deal for promo on her social media accounts. She has lots of those "ad" looking posts. I would be willing to bet some are comped.
*also not included but are money making opportunities she has: appearance fees (hey, show up to our club and we will pay you X amount for the night,) promo fees (hey, put this shit up on your Instagram and we will pay you X amount for that post,) selling stories to the press, next will be some sort of Larissa merch or branded product.
If she is smart, or at the very least has decent handlers, she will ride this fame out as much as possible, as quickly as possible. Can she (or Stephanie or Deavan or anyone) ride out those OF numbers when the seasons are over? Maybe, if their content is compelling enough.
And all of these sites mentioned have 1099'd her as a contractor, which means she will pay taxes on these things. She will have to carry that tax burden at a rate that I would guess is not a bracket she has ever been in before.
(Source: am an online sex worker that has done many of the things mentioned)
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2020.09.27 08:06 ForeignAtrocity Hard cam sex
As an avid user of the app myself (mostly due to it being a plattform me and my gf share memes and funny videos on), TikTok is horrible for multiple reasons.
2020.09.26 21:51 Alloftheregrets007 Cam sex hard
I’ve been with my bf for two years. Very early on he told me that he used to do live cam shows for men. I asked if he was done, he said he was, and as far as I know he has been. This would be fine independently, if we had a “normal” sex life or more open communication about the fact that our sex life is weird.
I have asked, jokingly, lots of times what kinds of things he would do and he always said he just talked to lonely men, being a friendly face and never once did anything overtly sexual. This follows because he has been basically asexual and impossible to excite since I met him. He makes all the moves or he is uncomfy, we have the most basic sex possible, he’s done, we are done, when it happens.
When I have asked about his aversions, he tells me that he was molested when he was a kid by a babysitter and that he was made to feel a lot of guilt around this so I do my best not to complain too much and to be supportive. The convos don’t last long and I always feel like something hasn’t been said on his end. Things don’t quite add up all the way and I am a very sexual and suspicious person this is so friggin hard.
My job is completely work from home and he works long hours six days a week so I’m home alone a lot and my mind starts going crazy wondering what he’s hiding. A few days ago I snuck into his old laptop and found videos from his shows. He has stopped, but now I have his pseudonym and the ability to get into his discord account to see the chat rooms with these people. He is such a prude with me but I have now seen him pleasing himself for strangers for a several month period. To be clear, he was just a friendly face for the men in the discord group that he created,but he absolutely was butt naked and doing things he would be horrified to do in front of me and the other group he’s a member of is NASTY.
I also found emails from a VERY long time ago answering craigslist ads for t for m and couples for m. All of these things are weird because how could he be sexually adventurous with these strangers but isn’t comfortable being the least bit adventurous with me?
I feel terrible for looking, I regret it because I know I can’t bring it to him because he values his privacy above all else. I regret it because now I know that if you know his handle you can find him and me pretty easily but I can’t tell him that I don’t like that. I regret it because I’m pretty sure he would be more comfortable in a relationship with a man, except he has problems with his butthole that he “doesn’t know the reason for” so it might be harder to have a relationship with a man. I regret it because I know that he was hard up for money and this helped him make ends meet.
I don’t know what to do. I love him. I feel tremendous guilt and honestly, I know I can’t keep this hidden for long because I have NO impulse control. I’m not mad at anything except the dishonesty, like most everyone else, I’ve been cheated on and lied to too many times and this really hurts my level of trust for him. I know that I have also broken his trust by snooping.
I hope posting this makes me feel less bad.
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