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2020.09.27 14:35 MarkdownShadowBot Secret girlfriend porn

Hi HushMeNowBaby, you're not shadowbanned, but 2 of your most recent 111 comments/submissions were removed (either automatically or by human moderators).
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2020.09.24 18:54 ANIKAHirsch Girlfriend porn secret

This original list was created by u/BouncyBoob. View the crosspost thread here: https://www.reddit.com/womenidentity/comments/issge2/crimes_perpetrated_by_transgender_people/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

"usa,,,,KC Resident Sentenced to 20 Years for Child Pornography,https://www.justice.gov/usao-wdmo/pkc-resident-sentenced-20-years-child-pornography,
"usa,,,,Female Prisoner Says She Was Raped by Transgender Inmate,https://news.wttw.com/2020/02/19/lawsuit-female-prisoner-says-she-was-raped-transgender-inmate,https://www.illinoistimes.com/springfield/transgender-inmate-accused-of-rape
"usa,,,,felon no longer deemed threat because of gender change,https://amp.desmoinesregister.com/amp/4479275002,
"uk,,,,Karen White: how 'manipulative' transgender inmate attacked again,https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/oct/11/karen-white-how-manipulative-and-controlling-offender-attacked-again-transgender-prison,
"uk,,,,"Female prison officers have been raped by inmates who self-identify as trans women, ex-Tory minister Rory Stewart claims",https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8211325/Female-prison-officers-raped-inmates-self-identify-trans-women-claim.html,
"usa,,,,"In North Carolina, person who identifies as transgender woman found guilty of raping child",https://cambridge.wickedlocal.com/zz/news/20190513/in-north-carolina-person-who-identifies-as-transgender-woman-found-guilty-of-raping-child,
"usa,,,,Transgender man accused of sexually assaulting woman,https://www.eastidahonews.com/2019/05/transgender-man-accused-of-sexually-assaulting-woman/,
"uk,,,,Police accused of political correctness after issuing an appeal for a sex attacker WITHOUT mentioning suspect was a man wearing womens clothes,https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8443647/Police-issue-appeal-sex-attacker-without-mentioning-suspect-man-wearing-womans-clothes.html,
"uk,,,toilet,"Transgender woman, 18, sexually assaulted girl, 10, in Morrisons toilet",https://metro.co.uk/2019/03/16/transgender-woman-18-sexually-assaulted-girl-10-morrisons-toilet-8914577/?ito=article.amp.share.top.email,
"usa,,,toilet,Target urged to end transgender bathroom policy after 2nd man caught recording women undressing,https://abc7ny.com/news/man-seen-reaching-under-stall-with-phone-in-nj-target-dressing-room/1508431/,
"usa,,,toilet,Bedford Police Arrest Man Wanted for Allegedly Recording Juvenile Girls in Store,https://bedfordnhpd.org/2016/06/24/bedford-police-arrest-man-wanted-allegedly-recording-juvenile-girls-store/,
"usa,,,toilet,Security Guard Arrested For Removing Man From Women’s Bathroom,https://dailycaller.com/2016/05/19/security-guard-arrested-for-removing-man-from-womens-bathroom/,
"usa,,,toilet,Shopper Upset Man Allowed To Use Women’s Dressing Room In Ross,https://dfw.cbslocal.com/2016/05/17/shopper-upset-man-allowed-to-use-womens-dressing-room-in-ross/,
"usa,,,toilet,Female office worker encounters man urinating in ladies' room and exposing se,https://www.massresistance.org/docs/gen3/16a/bills-in-MA-legislature/tpc/transgender-bill/attleboro-restroom.html,
"usa,,,toilet,Man caught undressing in front of girls at Green Lake locker room,https://mynorthwest.com/188993/man-caught-undressing-in-front-of-girls-at-green-lake-locker-room/,
"usa,,,toilet,"Man Dressed as Woman Arrested for Spying Into Mall Bathroom Stall, Police Say",https://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/man-dressed-as-woman-arrested-for-spying-into-mall-bathroom-stall-police-say/1979766/,
"usa,,,toilet,Cross-Dressing Man Secretly Taped Women at Macy’s,https://ktla.com/news/da-cross-dressing-man-secretly-videotaped-women-in-macys-bathroom/#ixzz2TKsMicgJ,
"usa,,,toilet,Cross-dressing sex predator sentenced for Clackamas aquatic park crimes,https://www.oregonlive.com/oregon-city/2011/10/cross-dressing_sex_predator_se.html,
"usa,,,toilet,Police: Calif. locker room suspect used disguise,https://abc7news.com/archive/7739509/,
"usa,,,toilet,Police: Man Undresses In Front Of Children In Walmart Restroom,https://www.wsbtv.com/news/police-man-undresses-in-front-of-children-in-walma/241705565/,
"usa,,,toilet,"San Jose sex offender wearing fake breasts, wig arrested for loitering in womens’ restroom",https://www.mercurynews.com/2009/01/26/san-jose-sex-offender-wearing-fake-breasts-wig-arrested-for-loitering-in-womens-restroom/,
"canada,,,shelter,Sexual predator jailed after claiming to be ‘transgender’ to assault women in shelter,https://www.lifesitenews.com/news/sexual-predator-jailed-after-claiming-to-be-transgender-in-order-to-assault,
"canada,,,toilet,University of Toronto Dumps Transgender Bathrooms After Peeping Incidents,https://www.dailywire.com/news/university-toronto-dumps-transgender-bathrooms-pardes-seleh,
"usa,trans man,,,Colorado transgender teen pleads guilty to murder in school revenge case,https://www.reuters.com/article/us-colorado-shooting-plea/colorado-transgender-teen-pleads-guilty-to-murder-in-school-revenge-case-idUSKBN2012QO,
"usa,,nonviolent,,"Capital One hacking suspect, a transgender Seattle woman, is denied request to be moved from men’s prison",https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/capital-one-hacking-suspect-a-transgender-seattle-woman-is-denied-request-to-be-moved-from-mens-prison/,
"canada,,,,Transgender activist under criminal investigation after video showing Jessica Yaniv allegedly punching reporter hits social media,https://www.theblaze.com/news/report-transgender-activist-under-criminal-investigation,
"usa,,,,Convicted Serial Pedophile Being Released After Becoming Transgender Woman,https://www.themix.net/2020/01/transgender-pedophile-transgender-woman-hormones/,https://www.dailywire.com/news/convicted-child-molester-let-out-of-prison-because-theyre-transgender-no-longer-a-threat-government-says
"Thailand,,,,Transgender woman charged with stabbing boyfriend to death,https://www.bangkokpost.com/thailand/general/1933080/transgender-arrested-for-boyfriends-murder,
"usa,,,,"Protester arrested, accused of starting fire in chaotic Friday night protest",https://www.kptv.com/protester-arrested-accused-of-starting-fire-in-chaotic-friday-night-protest/article_3b04cdbc-a784-11ea-a250-93fef29b6740.html,
"Australia,,,,Child molester released after gender change,https://www.couriermail.com.au/truecrimeaustralia/police-courts/sexchange-pedophile-jeffrey-terrence-anderson-released/news-story/215d9284b933a37dad9fad34cec5a6c9,
"canada,,,,Convicted child porn offender pleads guilty to new charges,https://edmontonjournal.com/news/local-news/convicted-child-porn-offender-pleads-guilty-to-new-charges,
"uk,,,,"Transgender woman, 26, who was jailed after dousing her ex-boyfriend in bleach then trying to set him on fire is spared prison over lashing out at police",https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7268259/Transgender-woman-26-doused-ex-boyfriend-bleach-tried-set-fire-spared-jail.html,
"nz,,,,Dimetrius Pairama murder trial: Accused apologises to victim's family,https://i.stuff.co.nz/national/crime/115844925/dimetrius-pairama-murder-trial-ashley-winter-told-police-the-victim-was-her-best-friend,
"uk,,,,Woman who 'bragged about being a paedophile' approached boys at Remembrance event,https://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/leah-harvey-caerphilly-sex-offender-18256962,
"canada,,,,HUNTER: Serial pedophile Madilyn Harks allegedly bolted while on weekend pass,https://torontosun.com/news/local-news/hunter-serial-pedophile-madilyn-harks-allegedly-bolted-while-on-weekend-pass,
"Australia,,,,Citizen arrest of rapist in robbery,https://www.pressreader.com/australia/sunshine-coast-daily/20200506/281612422568290,
"usa,,,,2 teens arrested for murder of mother in Banning Lewis Ranch,https://krdo.com/news/top-stories/2020/05/04/2-teens-arrested-for-murder-of-mother-in-banning-lewis-ranch/,
"usa,,nonviolent,,Person facing felony charges after police called to fight at apartment in Ludlow,https://www.wwlp.com/news/local-news/hampden-county/man-facing-felony-charges-after-police-called-to-fight-at-apartment-in-ludlow/,
"usa,,tra,,Ex-Ars Technica tech reporter Peter Bright convicted of soliciting minors for sex,https://nypost.com/2020/03/19/ex-conde-nast-tech-reporter-peter-bright-convicted-of-soliciting-minors-for-sex/,
"usa,,,,Dartmouth woman sentenced for sexual assault on home-care worker,https://www.thechronicleherald.ca/news/local/dartmouth-woman-sentenced-for-sexual-assault-on-home-care-worker-418323/,
"usa,,,,Man Arrested After Incident In Women's Dressing Room At Montgomery Mall,https://northpennnow.com/man-arrested-after-incident-in-womens-dressing-room-at-montgomery-mall-p1570-119.htm,
"usa,,,,"Ypsilanti man stabbed with samurai sword after failing to buy marijuana for partner, police report says",https://www.mlive.com/news/ann-arbo2020/02/ypsilanti-man-stabbed-with-samurai-sword-after-failing-to-buy-marijuana-for-partner-police-report-says.html,
"Australia,,,,"Man killed in unsolved homicide after $160 drug rip-off, inquest told",https://www.smh.com.au/national/nsw/man-killed-in-unsolved-homicide-after-160-drug-rip-off-inquest-told-20200224-p543q0.html,
"uk,,,,"Blackpool woman admits to having more than 80,000 indecent images of children",https://www.lancs.live/news/lancashire-news/blackpool-woman-admits-having-more-17788403,
"usa,,,,Pharr woman accused of indecency with a child,https://www.krgv.com/news/pharr-woman-accused-of-indecency-with-a-child/,
"usa,,,toilet,Transgender woman told to leave women's locker room,https://www.kiro7.com/news/transgender-woman-told-leave-womens-locker-room/246633184/,
"usa,,,,Christopher Ryan Dobbs was convicted of multiple counts of second degree rape and first degree sexual abuse,https://www.koin.com/news/oregon/transgender-sex-offender-demands-to-move-to-womens-prison-in-lawsuit/,
"usa,,,,Investigation into yacht murder of California couple,https://abcnews.go.com/US/receipt-target-stolen-car-mexico-unsolved-murder-investigation/story?id=68204176,
"uk,,,,Five-year restraining order placed on Dagenham woman who “soiled” friend’s knickers,https://www.barkinganddagenhampost.co.uk/news/crime-court/five-year-restraining-order-placed-on-dagenham-woman-who-soiled-friend-s-knickers-1-2259110,
"usa,,,,Kathrine Nicole Jett pleaded guilty to one count of attempted receipt of child pornography,https://news.bloomberglaw.com/us-law-week/transgender-inmates-name-change-request-improperly-considered,
"usa,,,,Convicted sex offender offers bizarre defense in kiddie porn case,https://nypost.com/2020/01/14/convicted-sex-offender-offers-bizarre-defense-in-kiddie-porn-case/,
"usa,trans man,,,"Transgender man accused in sex crimes, assault on transgender minor",https://www.sunherald.com/news/local/crime/article60310471.html,
"usa,,,,19-Year-Old Accused of Exploiting 2 Children Under 4,https://www.necn.com/news/national-international/19-year-old-accused-of-exploiting-2-children-under-4/250097/,
"Ireland,,,,Man (34) who sexually assaulted child in hospital bathroom is jailed,https://www.irishtimes.com/news/crime-and-law/courts/circuit-court/man-34-who-sexually-assaulted-child-in-hospital-bathroom-is-jailed-1.4068520?mode=amp,
"usa,,,,Convicted sex offender sues over sex change operation,https://journalstar.com/news/local/911/convicted-sex-offender-sues-over-sex-change-operation/article_1b2611b9-8761-53fb-8dc4-72ecbee68d72.html,
"usa,,,,"Convicted rapist re-hospitalized, possibly indefinitely",https://www.smdailyjournal.com/news/local/convicted-rapist-re-hospitalized-possibly-indefinitely/article_7c4e4081-fb1c-5d3f-bff9-76adbfab5ef8.html,
"usa,trans man,,,Transgender man placed on probation for sexual battery of woman,https://www.eastidahonews.com/2019/10/transgender-man-placed-on-probation-for-sexual-battery-of-woman/,
"canada,,,,cross dressing convict returns to Whitehorse,https://www.yukon-news.com/news/high-risk-cross-dressing-convict-returns-to-whitehorse/,
"usa,,,,"Man who portrayed himself as 'cross dresser' arrested for alleged role in sexual assault, state police say",https://www.pennlive.com/midstate/2014/05/cross_dresser_sexual_assault_h.html,
"usa,,,,"Wanted transvestite, sex offender turns self in",https://www.clickorlando.com/news/2012/04/23/deputies-wanted-transvestite-sex-offender-turns-self-in/,
"usa,,,,NYC rapist who exposed himself in Garden City sentenced,https://www.newsday.com/long-island/crime/sex-offender-sentenced-1.18588205,
"Australia,,,,Brutal rapist gets 9 years,https://m.themorningbulletin.com.au/news/judge-jails-man-for-nine-years-over-brutal-rape/291370/,
"usa,,,,Adrian man gets 7 years in federal child porn case,https://www.lenconnect.com/article/20140420/NEWS/140418764,
"uk,,,,Cross-dressing torture killer Colin Coats allowed out of jail to attend mum's funeral - but still won't reveal where he dumped victim's body,https://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/scottish-news/savage-torture-killer-colin-coats-9288436,
"usa,,,,youens vs state,https://www.leagle.com/decision/19871597742sw2d85511472,
"usa,,,,Retired drag queen' pleads guilty to voluntary manslaughter in fatal stabbing,https://www.nwitimes.com/news/local/crime-and-courts/update-retired-drag-queen-pleads-guilty-to-voluntary-manslaughter-in/article_33813188-3208-5c47-b1cf-f7656a2394cf.html#1,
"uk,,,,Sex offender Richard Cullen throttled and battered a young mother to death,https://m.independent.ie/world-news/europe/satanist-murderer-of-woman-gets-life-26026722.html,
"uk,,,,cross-dressing paedo Kenneth Larking in Saughton prison,https://www.thescottishsun.co.uk/news/4182728/peter-tobin-girlfriend-kenneth-larking-saughton-prison-jail/,
"uk,,,,CONVICTED sex offender who murdered a female friend,https://www.scotsman.com/news/evil-murderer-feared-being-exposed-cross-dresser-1718589,
"usa,,,,State vs Lane,https://caselaw.findlaw.com/ks-supreme-court/1468236.html,
"uk,,,,Strood sex change pervert won't be jailed,https://www.kentonline.co.uk/kent/news/strood-sex-change-pervert-wont--a79703/,
"uk,,,,Crossdresser paedophile jailed,https://www.theboltonnews.co.uk/news/4855144.cross-dressing-paedophile-jailed/,
"usa,,,,Man in a dress charged with indecent exposure,https://www.fredericknewspost.com/news/crime_and_justice/cops_and_crime/man-in-a-dress-charged-with-indecent-exposure-near-monocacy/article_2a9291e5-1df8-5c6c-9013-387ed2c70919.html,
"usa,,,,"Naked Peeper Nabbed In San Jose, And He's Apparently Done This Before",https://sfist.com/2019/03/08/naked-peeper-in-san-jose-nabbed-and-hes-apparently-done-this-before/,
"usa,,,,Convicted of slaying boyfriend,https://southphillyreview.com/2012/05/03/convicted-of-slaying-boyfriend/,
"usa,,,,Cops Arrest Wig and Denim Cutoff-Wearing Suspect In Miller Park Incidents,https://spdblotter.seattle.gov/2016/02/29/detectives-seek-leads-on-wig-and-denim-cutoff-wearing-suspect-in-miller-park/,
"usa,,,,Pensacola man facing home invasion and sexual offense charges,http://weartv.com/news/local/pensacola-man-facing-home-invasion-and-sexual-offense-charges,
"usa,,,toilet,Man accused of attacking girl in Oklahoma City convenience store restroom,https://oklahoman.com/article/3883587/man-accused-of-attacking-girl-in-oklahoma-city-convenience-store-restroom,
"usa,,,toilet,Arlington man trying on women’s underwear arrested for indecent exposure,https://www.insidenova.com/headlines/arlington-man-trying-on-women-s-underwear-arrested-for-indecent/article_d6c57afa-6d21-11e5-91e0-afa5d23d8b67.html,
"usa,,,toilet,Cross-dressing man arrested for exposure at Walmart,https://www.ajc.com/news/local/cross-dressing-man-arrested-for-exposure-walmart/b0Ikm8U25R0oDFkN2LW66O/,
"uk,,,,Child rapist moves in with unsuspecting mum and boy – after becoming a woman,https://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/latest-news/child-rapist-changes-sex-before-17152814,
"usa,,,,Rapist wants Oklahoma Corrections Department to pay for female hormones,https://oklahoman.com/article/3755617/rapist-wants-oklahoma-corrections-department-to-pay-for-female-hormones,
"usa,,,,Man sentenced to life without parole for raping children,https://www.mariettatimes.com/news/local-news/2019/04/man-sentenced-to-life-without-parole-for-raping-children/,
"usa,,,,Former babysitter convicted in Harrisburg child-sex case,https://www.pennlive.com/midstate/2014/04/transsexual_convicted_in_harri.html,
"usa,,,,Transgender sex offenders pose dilemma in state civil confinement,https://www.timesunion.com/news/article/Transgendered-sex-offenders-pose-dilemma-12360403.php,
"usa,,,,Man rapist wants to transition in prison ,https://law.justia.com/cases/massachusetts/supreme-court/volumes/392/392mass28.html,"
submitted by ANIKAHirsch to IAMALiberalFeminist [link] [comments]


2020.09.23 18:37 SageofSixxxPaths Secret girlfriend porn

I finally told my girlfriend that I used to masturbate and watch porn all the damn time it felt good telling her because i never told anyone that it became one of my most private secrets. I would struggle to keep an erection with her because of PIED but after a couple of months of nofap/meditation i found the courage to keep it up for her. Although it wasn’t %100 i still managed to orgasm from a blowjob, it feels so good for the first time in my 20 years of life a actual girl not a screen made me cum. The rewiring process what a journey.
submitted by SageofSixxxPaths to NoFap [link] [comments]


2020.09.22 08:18 MrNaturalInstinct Secret girlfriend porn

Recently, a gentleman asked me the following questons below:

Great post man thanks for sharing this. Do you have any long-term plans with SR? What are your thoughts on tantra and karezza? I haven't tried either one but I feel like tantra is too difficult and I would not last long with karezza.
I am 31 (I think similar in age to you?) and I am still trying to figure out what I want to do with SR. I have gone 120 days as my longest streak and had TONS of benefits like everyone describes here. My issue is that I feel like I have not experienced everything that I want to with sex yet. For example I have only tried certain positions, but I want to try more. I have never been in a long-term relationship and therefore have not had tons of sex with one girl. I would like to try these things so I am thinking I will hold off on serious SR for a few years.
One final thought is how are some guys able to have tons of sex yet still achieve great things in life and be successful? Look at Dan Bilzerian for example. He has tons of sex but he is also very successful in life. Maybe TRT could be the answer? He is open about his use of TRT. When I read the benefits of TRT it sounds similar to SR. Maybe that's the answer?
Here was my response to him. It's quite lengthy and felt it was something worth sharing to others:
Yes.
To BUILD, BUILD, BUILD.
Build muscle.
Build mind.
Build character.
Build vitality.
Build relationship with GOD.
Build spirit.
Build family (and, thus, a legacy).
Build new business from ground up (e-commerce drop-shipping).
Of these, I focus exclusively on building muscle, building relationship to God (prayer), and building my new business as a single man, and when the time is right to marry & bless one woman, my wife, with my seed to give birth to our children, it will follow.
This ties into the second part of your response...
...not knowing what to do while retaining.
Answer?
Build.
Because that's what we men were designed to do since Adam.
Builders.
Not wasters nor partakers in wanton sexcapades.
Personally, I felt lost while retaining for the purpose of attracting more women.
Why?
It gets old - fast.
It's so easy; so common; it just happens with no effort and/or work on my part.
Sure, partaking in the company of women can be fun, but there is a price, however large or small...
...it takes you away from your focus; your purpose in life.
Only exception is the rare woman who helps you move closer towards your purpose...
...of building.
Am I perfect?
Nope.
Do I get distracted?
You bet I do.
Occasionally, I find myself enjoying the company and conversation of beautiful women. I'm certainly not against it. There's something soothing and relaxing about feminine energy that mines alone can never satisfy. So, the goal isn't to eliminate desire, nor replace it, but, to transmute it, where possible. It's easy to slip into too much pleasure and thinking "about girls" that it distracts.
Not a bad distraction, but not a productive one. Sometimes it can be inspiring, depending on the girl, to do more. So, if you're going to get distracted, may as well be if she's inspiring you to your purpose.
Like you, there are things I have yet to try that makes me go, "Hmmmm".
I usually snap out of it shortly after and come to my bearings, but I do get caught up in the possibility of spilling my seed for a moments pleasure.
My advice?
Don't do it.
It ain't worth it.
The juice ain't worth the squeeze.
But what I suggest won't stop you from doing it.
And, who am I to?
For a man convinced of his will...
...is of the same mind still.
Just know, there are consequences. You will fall from grace, so to speak. It may or may not be financially, as you said...
...there are people who are very promiscuous who seemingly have it all.
But do they?
You think money is a marker of success?
...promiscuity a precursor to joy?
...wastefulness the key to happiness?
Dan himself will tell you in interviews, "It is meaningless. The girls. The stuff. The money. It is nothing."
What you see in his outer world and what takes place in his inner world can be two different things. If he is indeed happy, good. I know men who sleep around behind their wife's back, with beautiful women I may add. But, they're aimless. Lost. Looking for just another wet hole to fill a dry hole within themselves. Sure looks good on the surface, though, eh? But everytime I get close to such men, the pattern is the same.
They're never truly themselves.
But, try it if you dare.
Sometimes we have to burn our hand ourselves to know pain. But some experiences you never want to "learn" from first hand experience, such as a poor diet leading to a heart attack or driving on the wrong side of the road.
I'm doing my best to avoid temptation, because believe you me, it is there, and like you I am prone to give in. So, I'm watchful of myself, not others. And, if I struggle, God is by my side. I've been convinced "I will not get sexual", and if you spend enough time with a woman, you just "do". It's a subconscious drive, and you have to discipline yourself to be made conscious of it.
Sometimes you will be minding your own business and you stumble across a woman who just draws you in, and it is VERY difficult to resist. Not always easy to ignore. And, I'm not necessarily suggesting you should. Just weigh your odds.
Be watchful of you.
I went off on a bit of a tangent, yes?
Back to men of material success...
What I think you'll find, is although they have the trappings of material success, a piece of them is missing with each sexual encounter with a strange woman. They're never really quite themselves, while losing more of themselves with time, until they become a shadow of their former selves (that happy go-lucky child before they discovered porn, masturbation, and sex).
I'd rather have the innocence of a child, charisma through the roof (due to not lusting, fornicating, masturbating, or watching porn), relationship with God, and a clean conscious when I meet my future wife and mother of my children to give the best and most potent seed I can give. I want my children to look forward to being born. I want unborn souls to fight to be next up in line. I want to give them the best chance at success, not in money or material things (although I do welcome and enjoy them), but in joy.
I want them to have what I have as a result of retaining - peace, love, patience, kindness and joy.
Hold off on SR if you dare. I personally can't imagine years from now wishing I had not. Reflecting, having enjoyed many women with nothing to show for it...
...not financially, spiritually or emotionally or intellectually. Just, "Oh, I think I remember that girl - girl #34. Melissa I think? Or was it Carmen?"
I love making money. I love traveling. I love being at one with God. I love being content. I love having the sexual energy and level of purity that brings me unbelievable good luck and fortune. It literally reminds me of the joy I had BEFORE I started masturbating, watching porn and lusting after every girl with jogging pants on. My fall from grace came after indulgence and remained for years up to now.
My first business was at 12-13. A candy story from home. INSTANT success. I had an intuitive knack for 'what will sell, what won't'. I had lines around the corner. I made so much money other kids copied my blueprint and succeeded, to my joy. Then, came sex, porn, masturbation, even drugs (weed). I could not repeat that level of success and kept trying and failing; always missing the mark. It was so bizarre. I had the golden touch, what happened?" - I thought. "How did I end up here?!"
Took YEARS to connect the dots and see that, although I had a lot of sexual energy going into puberty, I wasn't at all consumed nor concerned about sexual matters. I put all my focus on building that little candy store from the ground up and my father made sure of it.
While other boys were chasing girls, I was preoccupied chasing dreams, running my little candy shop from my basement, thinking of the next new product to sell and it becoming either a huge hit or minor success. I'm amazed at how accute and aware I was about business from that age. All of that following my 1st taste of ejaculation, masturbation and porn? Gone. I was forced to shut down my business after my 3rd year within a month by my mother...which was so weird because she never got in the way of my success, UNTIL I started PMO'ing and releasing HEAVILY, not at all knowing the consequences. Because my inner world changed, so, too, did my outer. It became darker; more bleak.
Julian Blisses book goes into detail about this realization, and I WISH TO GOD I'D KNOWN about this book much, much sooner, because I could not make out ANY logical reason behind my bad fortune, bad luck, and, seemingly, bad karma. When everything I used to do and touch turned to Gold, it turned to shit. It wasn't a sudden occurance...usually after a month of nasty behaviours.
But, prior to sexual exploration, Man, did I have a blast. So full or life and inner peace, exaclty like how I feel now at just over 2 months retaining. Couldn't be happier. There's just something satisfying about providing a product or service that gives value to others and being paid very well for such. Done on a large scale, it creates wealth.
if you can't tell by how passionate I am talking about it, it brings me a lot of pride 20 years later. I am in the process of repeating that to a much larger degree with e-commerce dropshipping. I feel the exact same intuitive guidance. I don't know WHY I know, I just know I will be very successful with this business model. It will be different for every man, so find something to "build" that around what you are passionate about.
In conclusion...
Is it possible to accomplish great things materially and financially? Yes. It's just much, much more difficult. No where near as instinctive and intuitive. Steve Jobs learned this secret early and he is known forever as the mind of Apple. His ex-girlfriend commented about retaining just PRIOR to starting Apple, then BOOM - a creative spark of inspiration. What took him 1 year would have taken him 5 to figure out if he were releasing at all. And, if you do succeed whilst wasting sexual essencee in the process, you have other things going on internally that can't be resolved with money, cars and clothes. It just can't fix it, and believe me, I've tried.
"My thoughts on tantra and karezza?"
No thoughts on it. I've yet to do it so I won't comment on it. After reading Julian - Bliss of the Celibate, he argues tantric sex is just as bad as non-orgasmic sex (or orgasming without cumming) outside marraige. So, if you're going to have sex, don't waste your seed; or, try your best not to. The sacrifice on your spirit will still remain, just not as strongly following a sexual release. If you want to play those odds, have it.
CONCLUSION
I'd like to add, these rambling thoughts are just my own at my current state of development. They may change a bit here n' there with time, I'm sure. It's not set in stone, but somethings are, such as my realization that my connection to God is MUCH stronger when sexually pure than it has EVER been otherwise...I have the most incredible good fortune and luck in EVERY area of life that is unexplainable such as people bending rules for me, making exceptions for me, being extra kind and accommodating to me.
I've tested this theory once last year shortly after masturbating and ejaculating. I went into a post office, feeling happy and relieved. Orgasmic, if you will. But there were 2 attractive women waiting in line who were distancing themselves away from me...inch my inch. I thought, "Do I smell?" And even asked the girl, and she nervously siad, "No". But I did "smell".
...my AURA STUNK!!!
Women and children are HIGHLY sensitive to it! To become shy and reclusive around me if I'm doing dirty things in secret...they don't know why they feel repulsed...they just 'do'.
I could be in the best mood following ejaculation and my outer world ALWAYS gave me a negative experience. My luck would change. Women and children would avoid me. People were ruder to me. It was always surreal to me how something that felt so good was matched with negative experiences.
Anyway. After that, I was no longer interested in testing out Julian Blisses theory on sexual purity/impurity. I experienced it for myself PRIOR to reading the book (so it wasn't a placebo effect or me expecting bad things to happen) and after. It's some kind of law, and it seems like the ultimate law precedding any other IS sexual discipline; mastering the loins and seed.

***UPDATE*** I missed a flight out yesterday by 2 minutes. Literally. TWO. MINUTES. Was it bad luck? How could this be while retaining? A family friend literally told me as he's dropping me off at the airport, "You're gonna' miss your flight." As we raced against Father Time. I was CONVINCED I was going to make it.
Then, he told me to go one direction that added 4 minutes to my time. "Damn." I thought. "Had I gone the way I was already going, I'd be on time". I was almost starting to blame him for being 2 minutes late (which was the small detour that caused me to miss my flight), but it was absolutely a blessing from God.
How?
It wasn't until I got home and realized...
...not only did I forget my contact solution and casing for the contact lens I was wearing that day...
...I forgot my normal glassese for daily wear (I can't see well in distances).
In other words, I would have been screwed. I can't sleep with the contacts I have in my eyes, I was going to arrive late in the evening so no store due to COVID was going to be open for me to buy any solution for the one pair I had, so I would have had to toss them and go virtually half blind, with no backup (glasses).
It would have been a bad trip, having to shell out money for new contacts the next day and maybe hopefully getting a doctor to see me (most do appointments only). My trip to visit family would have been all about me spending money and time trying to get my sight back.
Sure, it cost me a $40 re-booking fee, but it saved me a lot of stress I didn't know I'd have until I got home to see what I needed for my sight "unpacked".
Boy, that would've sucked and I would have WISHED I missed that flight I was so desperate to make.
So you see...even seemingly negaive situations can be a positive, and it's GOD or your higher self stopping you from falling into a trap YOU can't foresee from your point of view.

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2020.09.22 07:48 walkerjw95 Secret porn girlfriend

Today I spoke out for the Truth Project, which is an independent enquiry into child sex abuse in the UK. Please look at this project if you are a survivor living in the UK.
This is the story of my childhood abuse please don't read ahead if you don't feel you can because I do talk about the abuse I experienced.
I was born in the UK, at the time we lived on an RAF base as my father was in the forces. My parents were young both 21 and had got married whilst my mum was pregnant with me. A bit over a year later my sister was born. That completed the family unit of 4. We lived on RAF bases for a couple of years then moved to Cornwall where we would reside for many years to come. My Father left the forces when moving to Cornwall. I don’t really remember living on the RAF bases or moving to Cornwall, Cornwall is all I really know, I was probably about 3 and half years old when we moved there. I remember living in a couple of houses for a very short period of time before moving to a house on a council estate, when I was about 4 years old, where we would live for 9 years. It was a perfect location really, my Nan lived a few doors up and there was plenty of space outside to play and other children of the same age to play with. I made friends with a girl of the same age who lived a 2 doors down and went to the same primary school as me. Our families became friends and we would see each other a lot and always had birthday parties together and even see each other on Christmas. There were two other families on the estate who also had children the same age as me and in my year at primary school, I got on with one well and the other was very on and off. Another family moved in a few years later who we would become close friends with too who lived opposite. Growing up wasn’t always easy living on a council estate, we had neighbors who would stay up all night partying making so much racket so that we couldn’t sleep for school, there was arguing all the time somewhere on the estate late at night and the police would always be visiting someone’s house due to disturbance. We had people break into our garden a lot and even our home. My mum would be threatened with knives etc. if she asked them to turn the music down and people would always want to fight (including the children). It wore my mum down living with noise and disturbance all night all the time. No matter how many times you reported it to the housing association or the police nothing ever seemed to be done about it.
My mum worked full time to provide for our family and was the main breadwinner, she worked shifts including night shifts as she was a carer. My father had different jobs, I don’t really remember exactly what they were, I remember one was fixing PlayStations and one was caring but other than that I don’t remember. He was at home a lot around the age of 7 onwards as he didn’t have a job for a while and was a stay at home dad. My Nan and my Aunty looked after my sister and I a lot when my mum was working, we were all very close. We would spend weekends at our aunts and during the week Nan would take us to school.
I loved going to school, I enjoyed learning new things, I think most children like primary school. We walked to school mainly because it was not far. I always did well in school all of my parent evenings were always positive and they never had any concerns about my learning. My sister also did well in school. My favorite subjects were science and maths. I had many friends at primary school and they all lived close. There would always be your usual fallings out but they never lasted long. However, in the later few school years in primary school the girl on my estate whose relationship was very on and off and another girl who lived a bit further up the road took a disliking to me and bullied me about the way I looked, the way I acted and would say horrible things about my glasses and would try and do activities with all of my other friends so that I was left out alone. My teacher in year 6 was also very horrible about my hair, I had a fringe and my mum didn’t always have the time to cut it, it was in my eyes one day and the teacher was horrible about it and made me cry. My mum complained to the head teacher about this. When it come to choosing which secondary school there was only one option for me really and it was the school where the bullies weren’t going. It meant it was further away but I could have the chance of not seeing them all day every day as the bullying continued after school when I went outside to play too. One child on my estate, who was the brother of the girl who lived on my estate and was bullying me, bullied me the most and the worst, if I went outside he would push me, punch me, say mean things, one time he even got me in a headlock and kept punching and punching my head, nearly knocking me unconscious, my mum had to call the police. As I got older living on the estate just got worse, the bullying was daily and I felt I couldn’t leave the house much unless it was to go to my nans or my friends two doors down. My sister was out playing all the time as her friends were nice most of the time.
There was one other thing that was happening, on top of all the bullying, during all of this, behind closed doors, I was being sexually abused by my father. Its hard to write that and its still so sore, I think it will always hurt but I’m used to it hurting now. It started around the age of 6/7 maybe slightly earlier. It was always when my mum was at work, which was a lot. I never blame my mum though she was doing her best to provide for our family and give us the best life possible, if she didn’t work then we wouldn’t have a house over our head etc. Plus how was she supposed to know this was happening. It started when my father told me to sit on his lap as he wanted to show me something on his computer, what he would show me was adult porn, I had no idea what it was I was watching being to young but I remember I wasn’t comfortable watching it, I would often look away and try and get off his lap to go outside to play, he would hold me tight on his lap and say I can go outside after I have finished watching it. This would happen a few times a week. My sister was always playing outside or round her friends house when this would happen. It then escalated from there, he would masturbate with me on his lap whilst the porn on was on the computer. I would never know what to do I just felt uncomfortable but I didn’t understand what was happening I was only a young child, how was I supposed to know.
One morning I was watching a film or TV program on the telly and my father came over and went to lie behind me for cuddles, this wasn’t unusual everyone has cuddles with their parents as a child, but this time it was different. He pulled a blanket over us and put his hand down my trousers and pants, touching me where he shouldn’t, this carried on. I just lay there not know what to do. He would say to me don’t tell mummy this is daddies special time. This became a regular occurrence, happening numerous time a week depending on what shifts mum was on. It happened in most rooms of the house when I could be doing anything, I would just freeze and not really say anything. Again my sister was always out on these occasions.
When my father put my sister and I to bed he would often read us a story, he would always lie in my bed to read the story, this was so he had easy access to touch me, he would wait until my sister was asleep then do it, or if my mum was working tell me to come into his room, I would often say that I didn’t want to but he would grab my arm and start to pull me to the room and tell me not to make a fuss. He would then touch me, force me to touch him and eventually after a few times of this he then proceeded to rape me. The first time I cried, I kept telling him I didn’t like it and that it hurt and all I wanted to do was sleep, he would whisper in my ear to keep still it won’t take long then I can go back and go to sleep. I couldn’t wait until it was over. Again, he told me not to tell mummy as mummy would get very angry with me and my sister and I might go into care. After the first few times I gave up fighting all the time whilst it happened as it was no use and then I used to just stare up at the ceiling and count the little bumps and try and forget what was happening. I knew what was happening wasn’t quite right but I didn’t realise the true extent and damage that was being caused by his actions. Over the years there was not a part of my body that had not been violated by him.
He would pull me upstairs from downstairs I would fight to get away at the bottom of the stairs but his grip was too tight, I would protest when he pulled me to his bed in the early hours of the morning and keep me there until an hour before school. However sometimes I didn’t have the energy to fight so I just complied, it was easier that way, it was going to happen no matter what. As I got older probably about the age of 9/10 I didn’t fight at all anymore, you might ask why, the reason was because I had endured years of this happening practically daily unless my mum had a few days off work and it became the norm, another big reason is because if I didn’t do it then I was always afraid he would then do it to my sister. I would have done anything to protect my sister, as it happened to me for years I just agreed so that he could never decide to do it to her. My aim was to protect her from what was happening to me.
I wanted to tell someone when I realised that I was being sexually abused, this realisation happened when I was about 11. I said to my father that I was going to tell and he threatened me, frightened me, when I was in the bath one time he held me under water long enough to scare me thinking I was going to drown and then told me if I told then next time I would get hurt or go into care. I couldn’t tell, no matter how hard I wanted to. So I kept it secret. My behavior never changed during this time, I played with my friends when I could, no one would know any different, I showed no typical signs that something was wrong. I know my mum and sister blame themselves for not knowing but how can you know when nothing ever changes to let you know differently. The people that carry out these actions they do so very carefully and they know how to manipulate their victims into not saying or showing signs that anything is wrong. I don’t blame them so why should they blame themselves. No one has a crystal ball you don’t know what you can’t see. The teachers did not know because I was doing well at school, I never acted out and I was always a seemingly happy child to everyone on the outside.
I had one main coping mechanism over these many years that enabled me to get on and hide this secret and still be able to try and live a ‘normal’ life. It was my dog. My dog saved my life. After every incident that took place, whether I waited until later that day or the day after, when I was alone I would tell my dog what happened and tell my dog how I felt. She would cuddle me, we lay on the floor just cuddling or we would be playing. She knew everything. I got everything off my shoulders, she held my deepest darkest secrets but couldn’t tell anyone. I loved my dog, I don’t think I would have endured life if it wasn’t for my dog. That’s how I managed to forget between episodes and try to be a child. I was telling, just not to someone who could help.
I used to love sleepovers around my nans, my aunts and my friends because I was safe. My sister and I would also have friends stay over ours as well and I was safe then too.
One day when I was 13 I came home from school after my sisters sports day and mum was upset, she explained to my sister and I that dad had been taken away by the police to help them with an investigation but that he wouldn’t be coming back for a while. My sister and I wouldn’t believe what was happening and were very upset. I asked if I could go and see my friend over the road and mum was hesitant at first but then agreed I went running over there and was crying, they asked what had happened and I told them, my mum then came over and thought it was best that I go home. When we got back home mum told us in more detail what had happened and a social worker was there. My father has been arrested for sex offences against a minor. The report had come from the family that I just visited. I felt betrayed, they knew why I was crying but pretended not to know. I didn’t speak to them after, in my mind they had take my father away from me. I hated what was happening to me behind closed doors but at the end of the day as a child I felt that he was still my father, I had split them into two people, one was my father and one was a monster, this made it easier to live with. The social worker asked us if anything had ever happened to my sister or I, I instantly denied everything, my sister also said no. They had no reason not to believe us, my mum had no reason to not believe us either. So no further action from the social worker happened.
A new life has begun on this day, although at the beginning I was so upset that my father had been taken away, I would later realise what this actually meant for me. I was free, although I thought I was, I was free from the actual abuse but little did I know I was not free from the suffering that the abuse caused.
My father plead not guilty to the case and therefore it went to court, it was reported in all the newspapers and Cornwall being small and us having quite an unusual surname everyone knew it was my father even if the newspaper didn’t name us as his children. The bullying that I received became unbearable, I would be spat on, pushed on the floor, beaten up, excluded from everything, name called, I would be told multiple times a day that my family is disgusting, that I am disgusting. I didn’t want to go outside. The outside world was horrible, kids are horrible, but it wasn’t just the kids, the mother of the family over the road, the ones that reported this to the police, she would stare horribly at us like we were a piece of rubbish, she would know that her children were being so so horrible and not do anything about it. She would pull her children away from us if we passed in the street. I would just come home and cry in my bed for hours and cuddle my mum all the time jut crying because of the bullies. The bullying felt worse than the abuse I had received for years because I had learnt to cope with that. I had no coping mechanism for this and there felt like no escape. My mum spoke to the school about what had happened and they tried to out measures in place to keep me away from the bullies but that didn’t stop them outside of school. Secondary school has its own challenges for any normal child let alone all of this on top. I was lucky I had a best friend in secondary school who was there for me no matter what and stuck by me through everything.
There was a long wait for the case to get to court whilst all evidence etc. was gathered. My father moved to Manchester close to his family. He got a new girlfriend in this time, a woman who I later found out he was having an affair with whilst with my mum. My mum allowed my sister and I telephone contact with our father after we asked to keep in contact. I was angry at my father for having another girlfriend. My sister missed him a lot. I put on a brave face and spoke to him like normal because I didn’t want anyone to suspect anything and I could see how much talking to him meant to my sister. During the wait for trial we saw my father for dinner once in a pub, my mum attended as she did not trust him on his own with us, which was understandable, we caught up talking about school and how he was settling in up in Manchester all the usual things you would talk about, anything but the court case. A few months later we visited him up country, he lived with his new girlfriend. I was extremely nervous about visiting but I was brave, I did it so my sister could see him. I played over and over what I would do if he tried to do anything with me again and I was certain I would fight and I wasn’t afraid to tell someone if something did happen. Nothing did thank goodness. I felt relieved when I got home.
During this time my father announced that him and his girlfriend were having a new baby. I was furious as I found out over Facebook. He was too much of a coward to tell me first because he knew I would be so angry. Not only was I angry because I didn’t like the fact he had a new girl firmed but because he was bringing a new life into the world when he couldn’t even keep the ones that he already had safe. I was worried that if it was a girl she could be at risk and I wouldn’t be there to protect this one. I shouted and screamed and swore down the phone at him. He had the baby not long before the court case and it was a girl. My biggest fears came true. I just kept thinking how could his girlfriend be so stupid, he was about to go to court accused of sex crimes against children and yet she had a baby with him!!
The court case came and the details were all in the paper, this is when I found out the details about what had actually happened. I knew what had been accused was true. My sister’s friend had stayed over for a sleepover, she had blonde hair like me and was probably a similar height. She slept in my bed. My father drank John Smiths most evenings and I could always smell it on his breath. He had probably drank that night. He then got into her bed and touched her in appropriately in the night. I instantly felt guilt and shame, I felt like it was my fault because it was my bed. I kept thinking I shouldn’t have let anyone stay in my bed then they wouldn’t be subjected to this like I was. I now know 10 years later that it wasn’t my fault and it was his actions not mine however I still feel guilty about it and I don’t think that will go away. At the end of the court case, he was found guilty and was sentenced to 2 years in prison, it was a small sentence due to it being his first offence and him being an upstanding member of society having worked in the forces and helping in the community with air cadets etc. I felt like I had to try and forget about this now and try and move on with my life it was all over officially now, no more contact he was in prison I didn’t have to worry anymore, I thought I would feel better.
As time went on my mum, sister and I started to rebuild our lives after the embarrassment caused by everything being reported in the papers. The newspapers had no consideration for the families involved when publishing these stories, no consideration on how this would affect our lives. The aftermath of it all. The bullying continued for me for years to come. I took my anger and hurt out on my mum and my sister which strained our relationships but we were determined to get passed it.
I didn’t know where my father was in prison nor did I know when he was due out or what would happen when he was released but one day probably about a year on from him being sent to prison I woke up one morning and I wanted to tell my mum what happened. I was nervous about it and didn’t know how to approach the subject but I was just filled with the overwhelming sense that I needed the weight lifted and this day was the day. I leapt out of bed and barged into my mums room and said I had something to tell her and I just blurted it out. My mum was stunned by what I had said but gave me the biggest cuddle and told me that everything was going to be OK, I cried and she cried. She believed me straight away, she didn’t even question it. I can’t remember exactly what I said to her but remember she asked me a couple questions and I answered them. She wanted to go to the police hut I said I wasn’t ready for that and if she did I would deny it because I wasn’t ready to talk to them. I just wanted to tell someone. He couldn’t get me I was safe so there was no need to tell anyone else at that moment. My mum held me and told me that when I was ready I just had to let her know and we would go together. I made her promise she wouldn’t go until I was ready. I’m so grateful that my mum believed me straight away and was there for me and made me feel comfortable to tell her. I couldn’t have asked for more from her and for that I’m so thankful, she listened and didn’t force me into anything I wasn’t comfortable doing yet. After that we just carried on with everything like normal, like nothing had happened and that’s how I wanted it.
A few months or about a year later I woke up again with the same overwhelming sense that that was the day to go to the police. I didn’t feel safe for some reason or another and I wasn’t sure why, I had not reason, or so I believed, to feel like that. I went into my mums room and said I’m ready to tell now. She knew what I meant and she phone in to the school and said that I won’t be in today and she phoned work. We got ready to walk to the police station, she asked me if I wanted to take my Teddy, this was the same teddy I slept with every night, the same teddy that was older than me that had always gone with me wherever I went including into the hospital for various surgeries or broken bones etc. I took my Teddy as my safety blanket. I felt sick but I knew I needed to do this. I wanted to do it, I didn’t want him to get out and go back to his new family and down the line he would do it again to his new daughter. The police officer seemed nice as did the social worker. I went into a room with them both and sat on a sofa whilst they were in two chairs, the room was made to try and make you feel more comfortable but it reminded me of my great nans living room. They pointed out the cameras and explained everything to me and we proceeded. They said to start from the beginning which I did, but then they needed more detail, they needed me to tell them every exact little detail I could remember about every single time. However, if you experience something daily it all merges together especially daily over a period of 7 years. There were a few occasions that reoccurred and so these remained vividly in my mind, or there was a couple where I really put up a fight, I also remembered these. I told the officer and social worker but I struggled to actually say the words, rape, vagina, penis, or describe in detail what had actually happened because it was as though I had to believe it had actually happened. All this time it was just something at the back of my mind that I tried to forget and now it’s all at the surface. The secret that I had held in for so long. The office kept asking and asking so he could get all of the information he needed. I think I could only describe in detail 5 exact occasions but I did explain that this happened everyday practically. It was not a comfortable experience and to be honest I think it’s one I do not want to experience again ever. It has probably put me off reporting anything just because it was so intrusive and because of that I feel I could not get my point across properly; the memories were locked away so deep they didn’t want to come out.
At the end of the interview the officer asked if I had any requests, I explained that I did not want this reported in the papers because of the bullying that all came from last time it got reported. It was agreed with the officers and my mum that the case would be held out of County to try and stop the media from publishing this. I was grateful for this. It was later that day that we found out that it was on that day that I went to the police that my father was due out of prison. I did not previously know this, today I still think it’s such a strange coincidence that it was that day that I felt that I needed to go to the police. He was released then arrested at the gate.
He plead guilty and believe he said something along the lines of I don’t want to put her through anymore. So, there was no trial, only a sentencing. However, after the case got transferred to out of county we did not hear anything further other than it was due to go to court. The police officer knocked on the door after the court case and apolagised about what he was about to give my mum. He gave her a piece of paper with the sentencing details on, he only had to serve a minimum of 5 years. The police officer always felt that he would have got longer if the case was heard in Cornwall but I couldn’t handle that. 5 years was not enough, it was not even the same amount of time he had taken from me. 5 years is nothing and goes by in a flash. We were all very hurt and angry. After I went to the police, I became very ill, physically and emotionally, it was as if my body had gone into shock, where it had released that thing that was stuck inside for so long. I was exhausted. We were not offered much help after and was not contacted by any victim care unit. My social worker had to fight to get me some help. She managed to get me some counselling sessions with a company called jigsaw she specialised in Child sex abuse. My therapist was called Maggie and she was lovely. I talked about as much as I wanted to at the time but it wasn’t a lot, I felt like I had already said enough and that talking more was making me unwell. I had the maximum sessions allowed (12 sessions). Maggie felt I needed a lot more help and a referral was made to CAMHS.
When I finally got an appointment with CAMHS I saw a psychiatrist for medications and a therapist to talk. I did not like either of them and you had no choice to change. I did not feel comfortable talking to these strange people so I did not engage well. It was at the CAMHS service that I was diagnosed with being clinically depressed and having PTSD. I didn’t attend there for long then referred back to my GP.
My relationships with my mum and sister really suffered after this. I had so many emotions still inside that I did not know how to cope with any of them, I was always so overwhelmed by them. I had been so numb for so many years and now to actually feel any emotion was so difficult for me I just didn’t know how to cope. Therefore, I lashed out at my mum and sister. I am so sorry for this now I didn’t mean to make their lives harder than they already was. I appreciate them more than ever for putting up with my behavior.
Other than that help it was just my mum, my sister and I just trying to muddle to get through. No help was offered to my sister who was 11 at the time I went to the police and must have been traumatised by the events, no help offered to my mum who obviously had so much guilt and blame. We just had to try and muddle together which was so hard! My mood swings were awful and unpredictable you never knew what kind of mood you were going to get if you spoke to me. This was a long struggle and continued until I moved out when I was 18. It was at this point my relationship with my mum and sister really improved and helped it mould into the great close relationship it is today. I’m so close with my sister she is my best friend. Yes, we bicker sometimes but all siblings to. My mum and I are so close, she is my rock and knows me better than anyone else.
I seeked more help when I was 21, I felt as though at this point in my life I had so much still inside that I needed to get out finally. I went to a WRASAC and received another 15 sessions of counselling, again the maximum number of sessions. I felt that this did really help this time. It was hard but I felt the pain was worth it. I thought that it would improve my depression and my ptsd and it did for a very short time however at 25 they are just as much a struggle as when I was 13 if not more so.
When I was 25, I visited my GP concerned about my moods, depression, exhaustion, flashback and more. In Cornwall they the community mental health services could only take on people in crisis. My GP felt that this was not me. I was put on more antidepressants and advised to be referred for more talking therapy, which would be just general cbt and not necessarily catered for the severe trauma I had experienced. I had tried so many different antidepressants over the years and talking therapy limited to a number of sessions only saw a tiny improvement in my moods. I shortly moved to London after this with my boyfriend and when I arrived, I contacted the local IAPT. They called me and we discussed my problems the psychiatrist agreed to accept me into the community mental health team and I now await trauma-focused CBT, I’m not sure how much it will work but I’m willing to try anything now. It’s been 10 years this year since my father was sentenced to prison for what he had done to me. This year I found out by chance he was released 2 years ago and I was not informed, not only was I not informed but I was not included in any parole talks therefore he now lived in very close proximity to family that I would visit regularly I feel now I cannot ever visit this family. He still has control over my life, after complaints being investigated it appears this is due to an administrative mistake on behalf of the police force not passing my details on to a victim care unit and the probation service not having access to other areas databases. I have been truly let down once again by the people who are supposed to protect me. This has caused my mental health to deteriorate. All the hard work I have put in, smashed. I now have to work to try and build this back up. On top of this I always have the thought that when I was younger I imagined I would feel better by this age... 10 years is a long time, however I don’t. Every day is a battle to wake up and get out of bed. The smallest tasks are tiring because I’m always having this constant mental battle with myself and I have been having it for 10 years, I’m beyond tired of fighting. I still have the smallest bit of hope that things will still get better but I must say this year has definitely made that bit of hope even smaller.
The only positive is that now I am stronger. I now have the courage to speak out about my abuse. I want there to be more education of child sex abuse, I don’t want it to be the taboo that it is. If I had known what was really happening at the young age of 6/7 I would have been more likely to have told my mum, nan or Aunty or maybe a school teacher about what had happened and could have saved years and years of assaults. This was not spoken about at school. Also there needs to be more education on safe relationships between people who are familiar including parents, children need to know what is right and wrong in parental and family relationships. This is not talked about. Awareness needs to be made. This will save our children.
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2020.09.21 08:31 ImHereToVent2 Secret porn girlfriend

This will be a long post as i am going to talk about my life. If you do not care keep scrolling. I just really need someplace to vent. Please excuse any gramatical errors.
When i was in 3rd Grade my mother got remarried after her and my biological broke up. They never married cause reasons i guess. With the remarriage i got a step-dad and an older brother. For the first couple months i hated my older brother. Im pretty sure i just hated how much attention i lost due to his presence though. One day when it was only me and him left in the house he introduced me to sex. I remember him just one day asking if i wanted to see something on his phone and me just filled with curiosity accepted. After a while of showing me what sex consisted of he told me he wants to try it. I asked "Well you have to get a girlfriend to do that stuff". Afterwards he said "not really". Me being confused as to why he started taking off his pants i wondered what was happening. He then asked me to put it in my mouth. Back then i thought of it being something brothers just do with eachother to copy what the people on the phone were doing. So i did it. Like i said i thought it was normal for brothers to do this with each other but then he told me "this has to be our little secret" to which i thought oh this is something important he is entrusting me with. A very important secret of sorts. A couple months past and sessions of him asking me to suck his penis and even me initiating it sometimes cause i thought it was normal at the time continued. He then asked me to bend over so he could have his way with me. This time i thought it was weird however because i didnt have a vagina like the girls in porn had but he assured me that it didnt matter. After that the things that happend in our sessions grew. As the years passed i matured and found out what it actually was that we were doing so i told him i didnt want to do it anymore. He didnt argue or anything. He accepted it but just told me to still keep it a secret and i agreed because he told me how much trouble he would be in if i were to tell our parents.
When i was in the 6th grade we were playing baseball with one another one time and he got pissed at me for missing all the balls he threw at me so he grabbed my head and started slamming it into a wall. I didnt suffer any major damages except a minor headache and a little swelling. When my mother and stepdad found out about this they were highly pissed about it and punished him. After so many years i forgot what the punishment was. A little more time passes and my mother wanted to divorce my stepdad. To this day she will not tell me the reason but from what i gather he hit her and cheated on her. I am in 17 years old and recently graduated by the way. Before the whole divorce issue however they tried to have a child together. Sadly it died due to some mistakes mad in the hospital to my knowledge. After this i noticed my mother acted very troubled. Im sure this is because ya know, losing a whole child. Anyway they tried again and this time it was a success. I am now blessed with a little sister. But back on track, my stepfather was refusing to signthe divorce papers and for my mother to force him to do it by law she needs a large sum of money. This is atleast what she told me. After the "divorce", my mother took me and my baby sister and we live with her parents to this day. My stepdad took my step brother and they are doing whatever nowadays.
To this day i still have not told anyone about what my brother did to me. Except for the people who view this anyway.
I need a little more time to process my thoughts on this subject and more to come so ill talk about it more in a part 2. However to make clear im posting this just so its out there. Im not looking for recognition or fame or anything. I just wanna spill my thoughts somewhere.
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2020.09.19 17:44 OneSilverRaven Secret girlfriend porn

ALMOST A CHARACTER
When looking back on the first part of this review after I had posted it I felt like perhaps I had given the protagonist (Ninomiya Hajime) a poor representation. P-kun, or Protagonist-kun if you prefer, is a term I use to describe a VNs POV character when they are... less then developed. This isn't necessarily a condemnation of a novel (Yukizakura is a pretty good novel with this type of protagonist) but I'd be lying if I said I didn't use the term derogatorily. I am not blind to the fact that the appeal of "blank slate" protagonists in this genre specifically is higher then most, but I think the evidence is overwhelming that more beloved novels have more developed protagonists. Shirogane Takeru, Toomi Yuna, Emiya Shirou and others might not be what most people think of when recalling their stories but their is no doubt in my mind replacing them with a vehicle for easier self insertion would have been a mistake, as each is crucial to the feel of the narrative. Depending upon your opinion of DDLC as a parody of traditional novels you might even reference its call outs of the POV character as recognition that the vast majority of VN protagonists are not only underdeveloped but participate in actions that from an outside perspective they have no motivation to do. So when I reference IxSHE Tell and its protagonist I feel slightly bad about including him on the same list as Takao Ibuki rather then giants like Okabe Rintarou because he has SOME personality at least. So i'll make a compromise, just this once. When I can justify it I'll refer to the protagonist by name, and when he slips into self insert territory I'll call him out for it with P-kun, so if you see me switching back and forth in this review that's why. Part 2 is going to cover my thoughts on the common route and its assets so lets dive right in and talk about the title screen.
I DON'T THINK THAT CHAIR ACTUALLY APPEARS ONCE IN THE NOVEL
IxSHE Tell starts almost immediately upon launch with a loud trumpet filled intro track over a picture of five girls tightly clustered in front of a posh throne. A few weeks ago when I published my first review of HuniePop I commented at length about my personal pet peeve for title cards and this one is... not very good. For starters the characters are much closer together then on the promotional art picture of the exact same scene (the characters even have the same poses) and that tightness clutters the left side of the menu uncomfortably. The picture on VNDB is MUCH better and not only lets each character breath more but puts emphasis on the empty seat which was presumably left open for the reader. The draped curtains in the background and the bright gold of the title clash with the music as the upbeat tempo and almost party like tone conflict with what looks to be a much calmer and upper class if unusual arrangement formed by the heroines. As a group shot, this title card fails to show anything but the most superficial traits of its subjects. I guess you could gather Kozuka is younger then the others from her expression and clothing but her personality doesn't really fit the tone she's putting off with her body language and saying you could guess Yamabuki is a tsudere or Yuuki is confident from their posture is a stretch at bast. Muv-Luv's title card isn't PERFECT but it's a much better example of how things can be done right in a group shot where every character has something unique to convey their personality to the reader. Pretend you've never seen either of these novels before and compare just these two images on VNDB, the list of things you can guess about one game's characters is easily triple the length of the other. So not a great omen for whats going to come but who knows maybe the title card at 100% completion will be better...
BEING POPULAR AND FAMOUS
In the past year of 201X (Seriously? Mega Man style date? What is this a secret Sci-Fi novel? If you're so worried about accurately depicting a level of technology just leave the year unspecified nobody cares! All you're doing with this is drawing attention to it.) the novel opens with a strange bit of narration in which the student newspaper (presumably) talks about the virtues of P-kun... okay. And tells the reader about him by calling him the hero student council president. So we know this novel isn't compensating for anything out of the gate at least I mean we're JUST the legendary president of the student council it's not like we're also drowning in women or anything...
Anyway cut to an introduction to our first Heroine Yamabuki Yoshino presented with a cute title card claiming she "Can't fully hide her true feelings" so look forward to embarrassing the soul out of her all game. She's okay I guess, her introduction is twenty minutes of nagging P-kun in her capacity as vice president while everyone tells P-kun how great he is and stuff. Then she falls over for a pantsu CG and the whole thing is so forced and unbelievable it comes off as a joke which is REALLY not want I wanted my FIRST interaction with this girl to be like but hey maybe you like seeing strong women humiliated to the tune of epic suspenseful music more suited to a poorly done Lord of the Rings video game then a VN, no judgment.
The rest of the student council, all one of them, is introduced (Hakuwa Shoukichi) as well as presumably the president (Kozuka Yui) and vice president (Ninomiya Aoba) of the neighboring sister school who's name is unimportant enough I'm not going to bother looking it up but it directly feeds its students into P-kun's academy so thats nice. Aoba is P-kun's sister and an adorable brat, she and Shoukichi spend the entire novel as one note characters i'll discuss in detail later but both are pretty enjoyable to have around. For story purposes all you need to know is Shoukichi has a crush on the school idle and does all the student council grunt work while Aoba is three steps down from spoiled rotten and oscillates between totally obnoxious and sickeningly sweet and clingy. Oh and she's friends with Yui I guess.
Speaking of which Yui gets her own title card "Both childlike and mature" (THAT'S not code for anything) and has the best romance introduction in the game. Hajime pulls her aside and tells her that as a fellow student body president he wants to ask her for her advice. He's having doubts what he's doing is the right thing. Today's student council meeting was all about the abolition of the centuries old ban on romantic relationship he had pretty much single handedly championed and gotten passed and how it was going to affect the school. Yoshino, again, his vice president, had originally run against him as a supporter of the ban and still speaks out against it despite working with him diligently as he was the people's choice. Hajime expresses his fears for the future and openly questions if this new freedom will come at the cost of some people's comfort who will now be subject to unwanted advances. Yui's response is so well crafted I can't do it justice in this summery but she asks point blank if she is the only one who knows Hajime feels this way. When he reply's affirmatively she takes responsibility for all his fears, and dismisses them. As the only person who COULD blame him, by choosing not to she makes it so their is now no one who does. Again the scene is MUCH better then this but I still have over half the cast to introduce so take my word for it, GREAT first impression from Yui.
Next comes Yuuki Ayaka, the school idol and two year winner of some beauty pageant. Apparently she's voiced by Oohashi Ayuru who is an idol herself which is a neat touch but her introduction here is UNBEARABLE... Her Heroine quirk is "Fary-Tale ideas of romance" which translates to referring to herself as "Perfect and Kawaii" every third paragraph and rejecting the advances of over a dozen guys, including poor Shoukichi, and some unnamed student directly in front of P-kun and Yui on their walk home. Realizing P-kun is there, she flat out presses her butt on his groin while saying to his face he, as the schools most popular boy, is the only man she could accept the confession of. Which prompts P-kun to freak out internally as he apparently has a crush on her and is a member of her "fan club" whatever that means. Apparently Ayaka and Yui know each other and Ayaka is teasingly warm to Yui's teasingly cold, bet that's going to come up later. Anyway P-kun gets Ayaka to blush after she DECIMATES poor off screen confession bro and the scene ends.
We pick up with P-kun walking home with his childhood friend Hanamori Shiori who I THINK is the front runner for best hair but we'll have to see. Her quirk is "Madly in love, single-minded devotion," and she will oscillate between too shy to function and creepily obsessed with P-kun for the rest of the novel until the romance branches. Her scene here is completely forgettable and uninteresting because the only thing that matters is that you know she's P-kun's childhood friend.
At the dorms Hajime and Shiori apparently live at together with Yoshino (Because THAT'S fair to the other heroines.) a new student is transferring in after the semester already started in true anime style and she immediately latches onto Hajime during their introduction. This is Koshimizu Kasumi, the apparent LOSER of best hair by popular vote which is a darn shame because the indigo tints on her tips are pretty cute, but that's a topic for later. Apparently she knew Hajime, Aoba and Shiori from their childhood where she was really sickly and Hajime would come visit her and bring her the schoolwork she missed. This left such a huge impression on the girl she developed her quirk "Pure, unabashed adoration" of Hajime and now that she's all better and able to go to public school again ten years after they met she's here to reunite with her white knight. Honestly it's a pretty touching story that feels a little rushed but OH BOY wait till we get the resolution to this one down the line it is going to get SO much more painful to read.
But enough of that, it's time to meet the best character in the game Hanamori Yasumasa! Yasumasa is Shiori's little brother, which makes him YOUR little brother by right of childhood friendship, and he's adorable. Your introduction to him is at the last meeting of the club you preside over together hilariously called The Horny Brigadier Brotherhood with the sole goals of creating and maintaining a free, secure network to browse porn at the school and abolish the relationship ban. Today's meeting disbands the group as Hajime steps down from his position as general (Which is weird right I mean can you even be the president of two groups simultaneously in Japanese schools I didn't know that was a thing but regardless) and Yasumasa is the vice president. When one of the members gets too rowdy Yasu threatens to suck him off and I'm going to have to stop this whole review for a second because that one line is my favorite in the whole novel.
Full context, I am a bisexual man. I lean about 60/40 in favor of women and didn't discover this part of my sexuality until I was in college, so the majority of my taste is centered around more traditional media rather then BL or Yaoi, but I do dabble in that as well. Yasu as a bisexual character is something I almost never get to see because in the words of my real life little brother "Japan only has two sexualities it recognizes, straight and fetish." Even setting that aside though for all the LGBTQ+ representation in American and Japanese media the B part of that is actually really hard to find good examples of in media ESPECIALLY male versions. They exist, but in recent years especially what little their is often gets drowned beneath a sea of purely homosexual characters and stories so its harder and harder to find. I can't tell you how excited I was to have this opportunity presented to me to see a good bisexual character because this game has a real chance to positively portray him and might even give the barest note of something between him and Hajime. I wasn't expecting a full romance route or anything, but their has to be a failure route in this game, and THAT is the perfect place to put something. It doesn't have to be flashy, maybe just a confession scene where Hajime, who rejected every one of these five girls, is approached by Yasu who questions him about why he's still single. It could end with a kind rejection, CG optional, or maybe even a kiss after the fade to black if they want to spoil me but this is a golden egg I'm BEGGING you Japan don't waste this...
After the meeting Hajime returns to his room and the narrative shifts to view the three love interests he boards with in the bath. Now I'm by no means a pearl clutching reactionary, but their is literally no reason for this scene to take place in the bath outside of Echii. If you didn't install the H-patch the scene is bland and has absolutely no character sprites. If you did the camera hugs the largest tits in the room as the girls talk. This conversation could easily have been anywhere else in the building but whatever the first CG in this game was an up-skirt pantsu shot so I guess this isn't as egregious as THAT. This does give me a good opportunity though to mention I WILL be including the H-patch content in this review but I'll be sectioning it off as much as possible to it's own subsection. When I eventually get to the romance routes I'll be glazing over everything Echii but this particular scene was kind of unavoidable to mention because Kasumi announces that she is going to confess to Hajime in front of the other two girls... and then immediately gets out of the tub and does it! I don't know why I find that so surprising but we as readers met this character literally twenty minutes ago in and out of game so this is REALLY forward but I guess points for confidence.
Kasumi's confession takes place in P-kun's room and is... a mixed bag. On the one hand her story, that she was a sickly girl P-kun would visited frequently ten years ago to bring homework and spend time with before she moved away for her health thus causing her to motivate herself to get better so she can one day reunite with her white knight is touching and romantic but also feels kind of rushed for a reason I can't quite explain. Maybe its the way she tells the story but I get the sense it would have been more impactful if it had a few more sentences of build up somewhere but for what it is it's serviceable. Hajime, understandably, politely tells Kasumi the two of them just met kind of and while he's flattered she feels so strongly about him he can't return her feelings as of yet because he knows so little about her. So not fully rejecting her but not saying yes either, just a request to get to know her first. Then she trips on him and the camera zooms on her boobs. So that ruins the mood as Yoshino comes in to tell P-kun he's terrible.
A DAY OF CONFESSIONS
The second half of the prologue begins with Kasumi transferring into P-kun's class, because of course she is. the next five minutes are background nobodies saying she's pretty. After a time skip to lunch these murmurs of Kasumi's apparent good looks reach all the way to the third year classes apparently because Ayaka bursts into the class to see her new competition appalled that Kasumi has been here less then 14 hours and has already confessed to her "crush." After establishing that Ayaka and Kasumi are now maybe possibly rivals not only for P-kun's affections but the beauty contest crown as well Yui, who apparently ran all the way from the sister school, bursts into the room, catches her breath, and asks Ayaka point blank if she is also here to confess to P-kun. If all of this is sounding rushed don't worry it is.
Yui makes the kind gesture of apologizing in advance to Kasumi, who without question got to P-kun first, but nonetheless confesses her love in front of the whole class which WAY too embarrassing even for me and I can't help but think this poor girl is going to be RELENTLESSLY teased for this but whatever its cute she's so brave. Hajime gives her the same response he gave Kasumi, stating he wants to consider both of them before deciding, which is pretty cool of him not ganna lie. Kasumi takes it really well considering she's standing right there as it all happens and says she likes the idea the boy she loves is so popular so as many girls can confess to him as possible without bothering her. Everyone acts real mature about the whole situation and honestly the atmosphere of the whole thing is pretty sweet.
Then Ayaka interrupts the mood tripping over herself to ask P-kun out too.
Yeah, this is the worst confession in the game and her reasoning that "We should date because we're popular" is ridiculous. I don't have any jokes about this I just find it really poorly executed, 0 points.
After that P-kun is chased out of the classroom and down the hall by a ravenous group of girls in a brief break for levity before the novel establishes P-kun is apparently remembering arm day because he hoists himself into the student council room through the window, and will do so on a regular bases throughout the rest of the novel. Inside he's greeted by Shiori, Yoshino, Yui, and Kasumi as well as the entire student council important enough to have a sprite. Yoshino, unable to take the second hand embarrassment of the girls who already confessed to P-kun cooks up a ridiculous plan. She confesses her "love" for him, saying she wants to have the most debauched relationship possible to get the romance ban reinstated and end all this chaos. The only important part of this is that no one thinks she doesn't actually like him and just felt jealous so she did something rash. Aoba asks if her brother is going to die tomorrow to keep karmic balance and at this point I wouldn't be surprised if he did.
Anyway somehow this group chooses to be productive after all that and discussion begins on a PR campaign that the photography club, of which Shiori is a part, will be helping with. Hajime is nominated to be one of the models for a series of posters showing a model couple for students to look up to and the remaining girls fight over who will be his partner in the pictures. Everyone has their own reasons for why they should be picked but just when the reader may think they'll be given the first choice of the game Hajime (After a day of deliberation, a visit to the cafe Ayaka's parents own in which she works so SHE can be in on this, a much better and cuter scene then her introduction with Shiori at the dorm, and an admittedly pretty good fake out when Hajime gives a speech to the student body about the right to love in which we get a LOT of time with Yoshino.) just chooses Kasumi and the whole thing resolves... and then Shiori confesses her feelings in front of the other girls in the weirdest, most unsettling way possible.
In a CG where she twists her head to look over her shoulder as it tilts back, Shiori, backed by the most ominous track possible, expresses she has loved P-kun since childhood blah blah that parts not interesting she looks like a total Yandere. Like no joke if this was the only picture you had to go on, which at this point it is, you'd expect this game to devolve into Love Letter at some point down the line it is TERRIFYING! Gotta admit though her stance of "If all it takes to get a yes from you is to get to know each other then I should easily win because I've known you for years." is a pretty good argument. Seriously though I really can't stress this enough she isn't just setting off a red flag it's BLOOD red.
OKAY MAYBE THIS IS A LITTLE TOO POPULAR.
The first of five subsections in the common route opens with P-kun being chased by a hoard of women and a 90's style record scratch sonic movie opening "Yeah, thats me, if you wanna know how I got here we have to go back to-" in medias res. Now because of the way the heart system works my summery from this point on is going to SOUND really surface level and bare but for every scene I gloss over with a sentence it is entirely possible something takes place that may not be important to the STORY but was purely designed to endear the reader to the heroine featured in it. I'll point out any moments I feel are noteworthy but just because not much PLOT happens doesn't mean NOTHING happens alright?
P-kun has a flashback to this morning when Yoshino walked him to school and the two of them were mobbed by a hoard of girls who either want to ask him out or ask him about the girls who asked him out. He runs and abandons Yoshino to the wolves. Good boy Yasu meets up with Hajime for the cross view section which I will cover quickly. Yui's scene is just talking with Moka and getting pumped to go spend time with P-kun. Yoshino deals with the aftermath of being abandoned. Kasumi meets a cat girl and acts cute. Ayaka is swarmed by fans who agree to help her track down Hajime and Shiori has a panic attack. You see what I mean about these summaries? Each of those scenes was probably a ten minute read where not much happens but you're able to spend time with the heroines. I'd love to go line by line and talk about how charming some of these moments are but this review is already a monster so I'm just going to have to move on.
Yasu is being blackmailed into helping the mob of girls but he nobly sacrifices himself for p-kun to escape, fainting to distract them. Hajime ends up at his favorite spot on campus, the Clock Tower, where Ayaka visits him and they have a chat. Apparently Ayaka's fan club is working like a not so secret service to give her an advantage. Which I kind of want to say is cheating but will let slide because the other girls get outside help from their friends later in the novel. Anyway the mob finds them and Hajime flees again, this time to the auditorium where Kasumi gives him a lunch since he probably hadn't had a chance to eat yet and if you don't give her a heart for that you're a monster this is a legitimately sweet gesture. Hajime freaks out that she was keeping the milk she got him between her breasts, must be a Japanese thing because I don't know a single teenage boy who would care. Anyway you can guess what happens, they're found, he flees, this time he's pulled into an unused room by Shiori who sits on his lap, which is somehow NOT a CG but whatever I'm not salty. The title screen has her in a close position to what I imagined anyway. Anyway more girls and more fleeing. (How long has this been going on don't you kids have class to get to?) Now Hajime climbs trough the student council room window again and finds Yui who stuffs him under her desk to prevent him from being spotted and we get ANOTHER pantsu shot which is WAY over quota now and its not even tasteful. Like this is full on up the skirt vag view, for which Hajime is rightfully punished by... being crushed between Yui's thighs... are we sure this is before the Echii patch add ons?
The school day comes to an end when literally every heroine, Aoba, and Moka all end up at Ayaka's cafe (she had invited Hajime their in the earlier scene) and they talk for a bit about who Hajime is going to take on a date. For the first extra scene the reader gets to make that choice. Kasumi takes him to the mall where she clings to his arm, not a great scene but playful I guess. Yoshino runs into her political supporters against relationships and forces Hajime to pretend they are just out together as friends. Ayaka has a truly forgettable scene of walking with Hajime. But the two stand outs are definitely Shiori and Yui. Shiori has a scene I'm guessing is much more sexual in Japan where you measure her cup size, I don't know maybe that's your thing I just can't get over the *squish* sound effect it's like a bad anime skit. Yui calls you Onii-chan for the ONLY time in the novel and asks you to pet her head which is ADORABLE and it is a CRIME this is the only time this happens.
Next day, new batch of hearts.
Hajime runs out of ink for his pen... Theirs a joke here somewhere but I can't quite find it... anyway Yoshino offers him some of hers... god I really feel like I'm missing an innuendo here. Hajime turns her down and runs off to the campus store where he runs into cat girl and Ayaka. Apparently the store needs to sell a whole bunch of noodles nobody wants and cat girl is depressed about it. Ayaka offers to do a handshake event, which I guess is a Japanese thing where when you buy a certain amount of a product you get to touch a celebrity, and volunteers Hajime to be there too, so that's the plot of this subsection. All the girls find out about it and have their own reactions. The cross view section lays out their plans. Shiori skips class to be first in line. Ayaka uses her fame to advertise. Kasumi volunteers to work the store in exchange for four times the necessary amount of noodles to qualify for a handshake. Yoshino beats herself up over wanting to go to the event and not having a good excuse (She's really starting to lean into that aggressively shy personality about romance.) And Yui has a HEARTBREAKING scene where she thinks about how even the short distance between the two sister schools is a roadblock to her romantic prospects because unlike all the other girls she has to run every day to even SEE Hajime and they just have to go to class. She finds out about the handshake event but by then she knows she'll be way back in the line. Oh and Aoba has a scene where she tries to price gouge people and fails miserably, so that exists.
Anyway the actual event takes place and all the Heroines get a chance to interact with Hajime, the scene comes off as a bit comedic with Yui wearing a disguise so the artist can make use of the alternate lab coat outfit she has for no good reason. Yoshino's indecisiveness makes it so she gets in line too late to buy any noodles but Kasumi gives her half of the ones set aside for her day of work. Ayaka cracks some pretty good jokes, and the whole thing ends with a photo shoot for the whole group where Ayaka surprise kisses Hajime on the cheek. And Shiori is there too. Then you get the least interesting extra scenes in the game. I mean they aren't BAD they're just comparatively the worst of the bunch. Ayaka tells you she was embarrassed to kiss you but swears she wants to make your heart flutter. Yoshino acts embarrassed on the walk back from school and runs off. Hajime just kind of chats with Shiori, walks Yui home, and gives Kasumi her "handshake" after she teases you. Nothing terrible just nothing super interesting either.
FAVORITISM
The next scene is a fireworks festival and the best part of the whole game. I mean it if you could somehow only play one part of this novel THIS is the part you should do it is cute, fun, has great jokes, honestly its better then any of the romance routes so if this review has gotten you interested in the game I honestly recommend a blind look at it you'll have a blast.
The girls get into an argument about who is going to be Hajime's date to the festival and decide to play a game called King to determine the winner and while I would have LIKED to have this scene take multiple paths it always plays out the same way but the jokes here are top notch as the girls all try to one up each other. Theirs a CG of playing the Pocky game with Yoshino and it's adorable, honestly Yoshino kind of steals the show during the game till she passes out peso pon. Eventually the girls all drop out one by one until Kasumi wins and gets the right to your fireworks date. But tragedy! That night she calls Hajime saying she lost a special pendent and just can't leave the house without it. So he tells her to stay put since it's getting dark and goes to the school to look for it.
The cross view this time around has the first of two tied for worst scenes in the game and some really cute moments. Kasumi ruminates on how cool you are for understanding she can't go on the date with you and decides to go to the school to look there even though you told her not to, but she's the outlier because literally all the rest of the heroines plan a big party at Hajime's dorm on Aoba's suggestion. In Yui's scene we see her upset that she lost the game with the other girls and Aoba suggests the party to cheer her up, why the developer decided this scene needed to be done from both Yui's AND Aoba's perspective when Yui would have been fine on her own I don't know but I HATE when visual novels repeat themselves like that it's maddening. The difference is literally six lines of dialogue but to find it I have to sift through all this stuff I JUST read, it's a waist of time. If you want me to have both perspectives, wright the scene in two parts and put one after the other, like Aoba recommends the party and then Yui thinks about what a great friend she is shortly after ANYTHING ELSE but this. Shiori, Ayaka, and Yoshino all get invited and agree to go. Their's also a really nice scene of some random no name guys talking about Hajime and how jealous they are of him but it's not mean spirited or anything they act really casual about it, honestly this might be my personal favorite of the cross fades its just got a really nice atmosphere to it.
Hajime arrives at the school and tells off my boy Yasu for bringing a camera to school to catch couples getting frisky on campus during the fireworks which totally sounds like its going to happen given the recently lifted ban on romance making people lose themselves in the moment but Hajime is a total cock block and tells him to go home. After a long time searching Hajime bumps into Kasumi and just when they're about to lose hope and go home the fireworks start and a glint of light leads Kasumi right to her pendent on the ground. Overjoyed, but sad they missed their chance at a date, they head back to the dorm to find the party in full swing and have a great time. the extra scenes are all post festivities and range from decent to too cute to exist. Yui and Ayaka get walked home, nothing super interesting but sweet. Shiori helps clean things up and you do the dishes together like a married couple. But Kasumi and Yoshino definitely win this round. Yoshino, like a boo from Mario, inches closer to Hajime when he looks away but losses her nerve when he looks at her. Intentionally turning to see what she's trying to do but without looking directly at her he sees her creep up and lock pinkies with him with a triumphant "Yay! I did it!" under her breath. He responds by holding her hand and the two of them clean the outside party area together. Kasumi looks up at the starts and talks to herself about how fortunet she is to have met Hajime and when he approaches her she asks if, just for a moment, he'll let her think of him as her hero as she cries on his chest in relief she still has her pendent. It's not a long scene, but it is incredibly touching.
the next subsection is a party at the dorm, no not the party we just had a different one, this time a sleepover. Theirs a scene with Hajime's teacher who I have purposely avoided speaking about until this point. Rest assured she has been here the entire time I just don't think she's very important. This is the exception however as Hajime runs off to save her from drunk driving and we get the cross view early. Ayaka stresses over what to wear with Moka, a scene we also get from Moka's perspective, same problem as last time don't worry I won't repeat myself. Yui rolls around in Hajime's bed, which I don't THINK is an innuendo in this case but who knows? Kasumi tries to bribe Aoba into giving up information on her brother and gets conned. Yoshino agonizes some more about being in love and Shiori hits her brother while thinking about getting treated like a 50's wife. Hajime brings the teacher back to the party and she kisses his cheek before being murdered off screen by five jealous women.
After ANOTHER scene in the bath involving talk about all kinds of girl stuff it would be inappropriate for me to reveal here due to its private nature Hajime goes to take a bath of his own and all the girls show up in their swimsuits because OF COURSE we need a swimsuit scene this is a VISUAL NOVEL come on! Their is a lot of unnecessary boobs and then extra scene time. Ayaka is outside and reiterates to Hajime her desire to make his heart flutter. Yui sits on the couch with him and lets him pet her. Yoshino also gets head pats. Shiori comes to visit and nearly kisses p-kun and Kasumi burns her sensitive tongue after an indirect kiss. It's all really cute, good note to end the extra scenes on.
The last section of the common route is the Haloween party and this is the point the narrative has been building toward. Tonight, Hajime chooses one of the girls to ask to the dance and finally gets a girlfriend and it is the least interesting part of the whole novel. It's not TOTALLY worthless, Yui and Kasumi get to be pretty cute but 90% of this section is just the heroines agonizing over who he's going to choose. Theirs a subplot about Yui being too busy to go to the party but its resolved quickly and the whole cast ends up together for a little free time and competition that Kasumi and Yui totally win. Something to note in the cross views is my good boy Yasu reveals he's into traps and shows the entire student council, all one of him, a picture on his phone of one. The scene ends with the first and only choice of the game. Who won your heart?
THE LONG ROAD TO ROMANCE
In the previous part I alluded to the fact I would be discussing the entire rest of the game in part 2 but as you could guess from the fact their is a paragraph left in this post I'm going to have to renege on that. I have no intention of stopping here but I'm going to need to make this a three parter at least, I just bit off more then I can chew. Next week, I'll focus on what happens with each heroine when she gets the chance to interact with P-kun by herself. If you're liking this review so far be sure to let me know as I'm putting a LOT more work into this one and feedback is the only way I can know if it's paying off. If you've read the novel let me know what you think of my summery, naturally I had to leave a lot out but I'm curious to see if you would have included something I overlooked or vise versa. Regardless, I hope you were entertained, stay well!
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2020.09.19 07:47 lifelongstudent2003 Secret girlfriend porn

Betrayed after giving my ex a second chance and lost on how to find closure and move on
I (20F) took my ex (23M) back and reconnecting with him was so exhilarating, he told me how sorry he was about last time and how he regretted it (we only lasted a month the first time). Note: I’m sorry if this is long but the story is messy and at the very least an interesting read so thank you to anyone who gets through the whole thing. We met on tinder and had instantaneous chemistry, we got along great (one of the main reasons he came back to me along with him being very fond of my appearance according to him). He was the one who initiated everything, he asked me out and only four days into knowing me he told me “the more I talk to you the better I feel.” I developed feelings for him and thought he did too by how much he talked to me and was attracted. He even deleted tinder a week into knowing me. The first time we FaceTimed it felt so natural, there was no awkwardness, and our personalities just clicked and we were both attracted too. I’ve never had sex before but this was the first guy I wanted it with (even though we never got around to that).
He ended it coldly out of the blue one day telling me that I lived too far away (were 50 km apart) and that he didn’t feel the same way, he was just being friendly, he didn’t reciprocate, he didn’t want to date me, I was too clingy and annoying, he didn’t have his own place, and that he just wasn’t interested in me anymore. Worst part is that he did it through text but I begged him to call me and he relented, but he told me that after that I want to move on. The phone call lasted an hour where I cried and he yelled and told me that we wouldn’t work. After the phone call I texted him a selfie of me flipping him off and he asked me “if I changed my mind again would you give up now?” And I said “omg you’re seriously doing this again?” He said “I am attracted to you” and “I said I don’t want a relationship right now.” I told him he hurt me and that I wasn’t his bitch. He told me that when he was ready we could meet but he’d only do it when he says and on his own conditions. However, at that moment we agreed to give each other space and I guess I wanted to cling onto the tiny bit of hope that he would stay. We didn’t talk for a few days aside from sending each other songs. Ultimately, he told me that he made up his mind and that he wasn’t interested and that he didn’t want to meet anymore. I just couldn’t bring myself to say goodbye so I asked him if things changed in the future would he want to meet me. He said he would for sure. I told him that’s why it’s better to leave things open ended. He agreed. The last thing I said to him was okay well text me some other time. And the last thing he said was okay. He never did (well not that I expected).
After this text conversation I screamed as loud as I could and cried my heart out. It felt like my heart was cut in two, it was the first time I experienced a break up and he was the first guy I fell for. It was very painful for me and I cried for months on end. I felt like there was an empty hole where my heart was supposed to be and I was just terrified that it was possible for me to love someone this much. I don’t know why I feel this way about him but I can’t seem to shake the feeling that he’s my soulmate despite the negatives on the virtue of the way he makes me feel alone. I tried to move on and I think I got there halfway, I accepted that the distance was something I couldn’t control and that he wouldn’t come back. The most painful part of my breakup with him was not even the fact it ended but never being able to see how it would turn out. I was deeply hurt by all the what ifs and how we could’ve been great together but circumstances fit in the way. 6 months later I download tinder again and 20 minutes into using the app, I see that he’s swiped right on me. I felt completely shocked, my heart literally skipped a beat and I cried myself to sleep that night. I left it for a few days not wanting to swipe left or right, but 4 days in I realize that it’s his birthday today. I swiped right on midnight and messaged him saying I remembered his birthday. The next morning I wake up and see, “it is and thank you for remembering. We should go out officially now. I have my own place as of next week. I’m very sorry about last time, I realized I kind of fucked up, you’re a keeper and I’m glad I found you again. I’m really sorry I didn’t take you for granted. I really want to be with you.” He asked me if I wanted to take a shot and be together. I told him “ugh you know I can’t say no to you.”
I just couldn’t believe that the guy I never thought would come back, came back. And so strongly and intensely too (he was flirty with me before but in a relaxed and reserved way). He finally showed me a side of him that was emotional and vulnerable. He told me that he loved me and that he wanted to build something real. I asked him “where was this side of you before then?” He said, “good question, I’m not sure.” He was very intense (a change from his relaxed, chill attitude from last time), he talked about us being meant to be together, how beautiful our future children would be, moving in. He constantly flattered me and always praised my appearance and told me that I was special and different from the other girls in his past, because “I cared about him unlike the other ones.” He was also very sexual and he would always discuss his sexual desires and get me to send nudes so he could masturbate. He did however say that he’s just speaking his mind and that I don’t have to do anything. He did ask me if I consented. I don’t know why he wanted them because he watches porn daily (particularly milfs which doesn’t match my body type). I welcomed this because he made me feel desirable and helped him carry out his fantasies. He texted me all the time and we had such an amazing connection. He even said that he was willing to drive four hours to pick me up and drop me off to his own place (which he never wanted to do before). The honeymoon phase eventually started to ebb away but he still seemed into it. I made him promise me he wouldn’t change his mind because I didn’t wanna relive the past and he swore he wouldn’t and would do whatever he could to make it work. We never got into arguments the first time but there were a few problems starting to emerge. I got upset with him when he refused to add me on Facebook because according to him I was too nosy and I would ask him too many questions about his past and things he wanted to forget. I was hurt by him not wanting me there and I suspected he had something to hide. He repeatedly denied having something to hide and he said it was because I was too nosy. We argued about this back and forth but he still refused (even though he told me he wanted to make up for last time by giving me “whatever my heart desires”).
This act didn’t sit well with me and it started to create resentment for him in me (a feeling I didn’t even know was possible to have with someone I’ve loved this much and have wanted to badly). Another thing I have to mention about him is that he’s had 10 exes (longest one being for a year), slept with 20 girls, and he’s only 24. A part of me felt really flattered that he would choose me above all the others (he told me that I was special and he cared about me a lot because I cared about him unlike the other ones) but the other part of me saw this as being a red flag. I don’t know if it’s unfair or not because he was young and not all the relationships were serious but it made me wonder what the issues were on his end. Another thing that became a huge problem was his refusal to get tested. He told me from the very start that he prefers unprotected sex because of the intimacy and pleasure. I got on the pill for him. One day we started off as any other day (happily and lovingly), I told him that I dreamt of us the night before and we were just so happy in it. He said that was so sweet of me and that he couldn’t wait to see me.
He then had to go back to work and I went to go do my own thing. I stumbled across an article on sociopaths in relationships (I was irked by the timing and felt off about things especially with the social media stuff) and it discussed all their habits such as love-bombing, subsequent emotional withdrawal, and instability. I started to wonder if it was all a lie and if I was manipulated this whole time. I became kinda afraid of him and a little worried for myself. I started to secretly resent him (I never thought this possible but I’m proud of myself for achieving such a feeling towards him if that makes sense) but I didn’t wanna break it off because I’ve made good memories with him and am still emotionally attached (which was why I took him back). A couple of hours after the “dream” conversation and reading the article, I decided to test him (we were planning on meeting two days from that point and had been taking for three weeks), I told him that I missed a pill. He immediately texted back saying I needed to set an alarm. I then told him I fell asleep before taking it. I asked him, “are you seriously blaming me for that?” He said, “yeah I am. I wanted to see you but you changed your mind and didn’t take the pill like you were supposed to.” I then proceeded to tell him that I wanted him to get tested or we could have condom sex the first time. He said he would rather wait a month because raw sex was important and it wouldn’t be the same otherwise. I was worried about his refusal to get tested and he got really mad at me for missing the pill and for interfering with our plans so soon before meeting. He told me, “Jesus Christ I’m mad. I wanted to see you but now I’m getting frustrated with you. I was supposed to see you this week, just fucking do it and stop worrying about stupid shit! This stupid shit is keeping us apart. Fucking stupid. That’s why I get annoyed. If you told me this was a concern earlier I would be more understanding.” I told him I was caught up in the excitement of reconnecting after so long and wasn’t thinking of practical matters. He said, “you don’t trust me? I have no diseases or anything, you’re not going to get pregnant, just trust me here please.” I said it was risky to have raw sex right now but we could still meet if he wanted to. He said “okay let’s meet then.” To be fair, he never said we had to have penetrative sex the first time meeting, I was the one who kept that up because I wanted to lose my virginity and I wanted to show him I cared by letting him get something out of driving so much. He then cut the conversation abruptly and told me that he wasn’t going to get tested during coronavirus and risk getting sick. Although, he repeatedly asked me when i was going to figure out the birth control and get on the pill. I was really upset by how I did something for him and he wouldn’t for me. I asked him if he still cared and he said, “I’d care more if you just trusted me and met like how we were originally supposed to.” I told him that it wasn’t safe right now and my dad was sick (this was in mid-March while quarantine started). He said he understood and we’d make it work and we’d find another time to see each other.
I asked him when he would get tested and he got really annoyed saying that he was really upset with me cancelling on him and how this stupid shut was keeping us apart (“if you want to be with me then just see me and go with the flow”). I told him that I was willing to wait and that he didn’t want to get tested while coronavirus was a thing and risk getting infected (I can see his side of this so I don’t know if it’s a red flag or not). He was anyway very adamant about not having any stds and he told me had no symptoms and hadn’t had sex in a year. I just let it go in the moment but this along with the Facebook thing resurfaced in a few more arguments. One night after another argument he said that he had to be honest and said that “I dong know if we’re a good match lol because we fight and argue a lot.” I said “yeah we do” and then he said “all i want is for me to see you and you forget the testing and Facebook and all the other bullshit.” I told him we could see each other he said to leave it at that then. I was starting to have doubts but I couldn’t bring myself to end it (I have a habit of clinging onto good memories) but he showed me a side of him that I didn’t know about. I could surmise he was selfish because the way he walked out on me the first time was very cold due to the way he did it. I’m glad he came back because I finally got to confront him about it. He told me that he said all those things to get me off the phone because I was very attached and he had to let go at the time because he couldn’t see a way to make it work without having his own place. It was nonetheless a very selfish thing to do, it negatively impacted my mental health and I constantly thought about how confusing it all was and became obsessed with the situation.
Some background knowledge on my ex: he comes from a middle-class white background and grew up in a stable family environment. His parents were married until his mother’s death and I am fairly certain he has a good relationship with his family, however he did say insulting things about his sister in law, how she’s annoying, how he would never want a woman who acts like her, and very selfish. I don’t know what this woman is like so I can’t say if it’s valid or not. I also must mention that he only likes women of colour (brown and Asian girls not black women). He always praised my facial features like full lips, brown eyes, and light brown skin tone. I asked him why and he said it’s probably because of interracial porn or that he doesn’t like women who look like his blonde blue eyed mom. He has a university degree and a stable job and now his own place. I’ve talked to a few people who knew him as friends and they all said he was quiet and a friendly guy. However, he was always very bold and talkative with me in our FaceTime conversations. I’ve asked him more than once if he is bipolar and he has always denied this. He always got really upset whenever I brought up what happened last summer and he said that we can’t talk about it constantly or else he can’t do this. He also said that he can’t give me an answer I want anyway because he can’t remember what happened, yet he remembers random details like how I like wearing jeans?! He’s also slept with 20 women and has had ten ex-girlfriends, mostly having unprotected sex and he does not get tested after every new partner. He hates using condoms because he says that he doesn’t enjoy sex with them and they break on him because he can last up to an hour. He is intelligent, eloquent, well-spoken and has studied criminology in university and hopes to become a police officer. He should probably be familiar with personality disorders then. Do people like this know they have a problem? Another random thing is he told me how a video game storyline (red dead redemption 2) made him cry and think about life afterwards. It’s just so strange to me picturing this man cry, so I guess he isn’t afraid of feeling his emotions. Another thing that doesn’t sit well with me at all but I could be overanalyzing, I did some research and I found his mother’s obituary she passed away on March 22nd, on March 27th he uploads a selfie (in which he is wearing a tux so I’m assuming is for the funeral) smiling with the caption “rip momma.” I thought this was a really strange thing to do, if this happened to me I would certainly never post a picture of just myself. He also used this picture as a profile picture for many years and on his tinder and bumble profiles. Why would he do this?
One day (I guess I just finally had a breaking point because of thinking about all the old and new emotional baggage) and I texted him saying that his refusal to get tested was a serious problem for me and that if he didn’t want to get tested he could go find someone else who would have raw sex with him no questions asked because it wouldn’t be me. He texts back two hours later saying “alright that’s what I’ll do then. Take care.” Immediately after he responded waves of regret began to wash over me and I told him I changed my mind and I didn’t want him to leave and I really wanted to see him in person and not repeat last time. He agreed and said that “as long as you don’t bring up the Facebook or testing again.” I wasn’t happy about this but resigned because I didn’t want him to leave. The next day he texts me making small talk (our usual) I’m still very resentful of what went down the night before but didn’t want to bring up the testing or Facebook for fear of pushing him away again so I involuntarily unleashed my frustration and anger towards him in other ways. We started off talking about shows and our day but we eventually started to veer off topic to language and politics. He gets really mad at me for calling him sexist and objectifying me. He then very rashly says “I will block your number. I don’t think we should be together anymore. We never have good conversations.” I told him that I was shocked he would say this as we’ve had great times too. He told me that from now on we shouldn’t text as he gets very bad vibes from texting. I told him I wanted us to go back to normal. He said that everything can only be in person or FaceTiming.
Our conversations become less and less frequent and he refuses to FaceTime as he keeps telling me that he’s busy and too tired all the time all of a sudden. Naturally I become suspicious and find out that he’s rejoined tinder from one of my friends. He stops initiating any texts with me and I became really sad. I decided not to confront him through text about it because it would be better to do it in person. One day I just couldn’t take his silence and asked him what’s wrong, he said nothing’s wrong and he just needed space right now. I try to resolve our issues with him but he tells me he doesn’t want to talk. So I just leave it and become more resentful for being lied to. One day after like two weeks of not talking I ask him if he wants to FaceTime tomorrow afternoon he says, “okay I will try, I promise.” I text him the next day at the time we agreed to talk and he texts back hours later saying “sorry I took a nap lol.” I send him paragraph after paragraph on how he’s hurting me with his neglect and that we can fix things as long as he puts in the effort. He doesn’t respond and two hours later he texts me a paragraph saying that this wouldn’t work anymore, he doesn’t think were a good fit, he’s just not feeling it anymore, and how he’s kinda been talking to someone else lately too and he doesn’t want to lie to me. He also says the reasons it didn’t work the first time (with the distance) are coming back to him now. This is what angered me he promised me that if I took him back we wouldn’t go through that again. But I wasn’t gonna let him off the hook that easy this time, not after all his grandiose promises. I beg him to reconsider and to see me in person before writing it off. He reluctantly agrees but still doesn’t initiate conversation anymore. I just gave him space after that outburst for a few weeks until a few days ago where I texted him calmly about our problems. He responds saying that his only problem is that I sometimes overwhelm him with messages and often asking the same questions. I ask him to promise me to try and meet in person before my birthday in four weeks. He says he’ll try but it could be difficult with the quarantine. I ask him about the other girls and he says he’d rather communicate these things in person and not through text. I’m honestly not even jealous or mad about this, only sad. I used to feel so jealous of the thought of all the girls who were with him or will be with him but now I don’t. I guess this means something as I’m not resentful in that respect, but I don’t understand why I feel jealous. Is it not even because I’m moving on but I’ve been conditioned by him to be used to bad treatment?
One day I messaged a girl he was mutuals with on social media asking her if she could show me his following list and send me screenshots because I was hoping to find answers through other girls he may have talked to as he never gave me any. I wanted to know if he talked to them the same way he talked to me. The girl told him about what I did and he got very angry, he told me that he doesn’t care anymore, wants nothing to do with me, that it was very creepy and intrusive and that he’s done. He said coming back was a mistake and that he wishes the best for me and he’s sorry if he hurt me in the process. He said that he’s with someone else now and has been seeing them for a few weeks (I don’t think this is true not because I don’t want to believe it but because I saw him on tinder the same night this happened, I have a strong feeling he said this so I would let go like how he told me he wasn’t interested in me anymore last time). But either way all that matters is he doesn’t want me anymore. He said he’s pissed at me and this is the last straw. He said I’m annoying as shit, creepy, super clingy and we need to move on. He blocked me.
Did I mess up by contacting her? What would’ve happened if I hadn’t and we met in person? I’m regretting what I did because now I have to live with what ifs. However, I do know he treated me unkindly and I let him for those few moments of temporary happiness. I know deep down we have too much bad blood to have a future together now. He’s so unstable. He broke his promises. He told me I was special and different from all the others in the past. He showed me a lot of sincerity and vulnerability when he came back and I believed him. It’s hard to move on when this is the first person I had feelings for and he treated me like this. What do I do with the memories? The good ones and the bad. At this point I don’t know which is more painful.
I’m grateful that I never lost my virginity to this guy and never got into a real relationship with him because if he walked out on me after that I don’t know how I would’ve dealt with it. I wrote him a letter for closure, is it wise to send it? At the same time I want to to help me move on and at the same time I don’t because I don’t want to close this door forever. I don’t want to be with him, he doesn’t want me but I also don’t want to not be with him and I keep wishing that we met in another life, another time, another place, where we could be happy. I’m worried I’ll never be truly loved and that I’ll never truly love again. I really did love him selflessly and unconditionally. But he didn’t. I knew I cared more than he did but still I kept on letting him in because I hoped he would properly fall in love with me too.
What hurts is how he told me how happy he was to find me again, how it was destiny, how he was hoping that we were meant to be together, he was so crazy about me in the beginning and yet he still had no problem hurting me. I don’t understand how people change their minds, how their feelings change so quickly. I wish I could move on as easily as he could. But I know I’ll have to. I just don’t know how or when. Will someone like him ever truly love anyone? I wonder if he’s ever experienced proper heartbreak before,the kind where you feel as if your heart has been ripped from your chest and miss them beyond belief. That’s how I felt the first time he left. The second time, I had my doubts too, about his character, about his past, the fact he had so many exes, and how disrespectful he was to me before. I tried my best to look past it because I didn’t want to leave someone I loved so much and felt so connected to. I’m worried he’ll always be a part of me, that I’ll always look for his shadows in other guys. He said he was committed and because we had a few fights about him not adding me and getting tested, he started believing we were incompatible. Looking back, he didn’t care about a special bond or connection, he just wanted someone who would be agreeable and fulfil all his demands. These ‘connections’ are disposable to him.
It’s just hard to accept that this time it’s finally over. Or it may not be because of his track record. Why are some guys are like this? Does he have mental health issues? I always suspected it. Or is he just too broken to love? Or is he not capable of it in the first place? Do people like him even feel guilty about it? Do you think he’ll feel regret for losing someone who truly loved him? He did last time. What will happen in his future relationships? Is a guy like this ever capable of lifelong love? How do I move on? The first time he left all I did was cry for weeks reminiscing about the good times, the sweet things he said, the connection we had. This time I feel numb and in shock. I can’t think properly. I feel like a part of my brain is in shock. I don’t know what to do and I worry about him being my only soulmate because I’ve never felt this way before and worry I won’t again for anyone. I’ve tried dating other perfectly acceptable nice, funny, attractive (better than him on paper) guys but no one compared to the connection I had with him. Do I just have Stockholm syndrome? Am I just a love-bombed woman? I don’t think he was lying to me about his feelings, I think it was real in the moment but I slowly pushed him away because of my emotional baggage (which he caused anyway). But the fact that he was able to throw away something meaningful over such little things just shows that it never meant much to him. How do I reconcile what my brain understands and what my heart feels? How do I get over this? Being betrayed so deeply? Having promises that he was here to stay, that he just wants to love me and make me happy, that he’s committed completely broken? How will I deal with the trust issues that come from this? Is it really true that people always remember their first love, even if it was toxic and ended badly? Will I truly move on? Should I send him the letter for closure? Or is there some way I can find it on my own? How will I know when I have moved on?
This is what I wrote in the immediate aftermath of the breakup. I had a complete breakdown and honestly went insane for a bit. That feeling dissipated pretty quickly this time surprisingly enough, and I was normal (although sad and angry) after like two weeks. On May 31st in the evening (5 days after my birthday and three weeks after our breakup) he messages me the most tone-deaf delusional thing ever. I honestly wonder if he’s trying to trick me or something because it’s so ridiculous, it can’t be serious, right? I wish I could understand his depraved, narcissistic brain. He wrote, “Hey, Which of the people associated with me on Facebook and Instagram did you message about me? Please for my own sake of mind let me know as some of them are ignoring me or not responding to me now I just want to know. Thank you” (I must note that he left out the period at the end and his word choice was very repetitive, I feel like with him I need to psychoanalyze every little thing). I don’t understand why he would send me this, what could be the meaning of this? What reaction could he be hoping for? I know for a fact that the girls I messaged about him don’t talk to him because they told me this. I also know that he didn’t “find someone else” when we broke up. I know that he wasn’t with someone else when he sent me that, but I know that he was looking for a replacement online. I’m not sure how to respond, it’s been four months since I ghosted him and now that he’s kept me unblocked, I don’t know if I should use this opportunity to get the last word in and tell him how awful he is. I am past the stage of being sad and wanting him back. I never felt jealous interestingly enough and I actually feel sorry for the next woman who he will mistreat. I do however want revenge and I want to make him suffer as he made me suffer. Please help me analyze my mental state and his mind and behaviour. I have never felt more alone and empty.
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2020.09.18 14:43 No-Seaweed-792 Secret girlfriend porn

I will try to keep this brief but Im not sure how it will come out. I wiped this growing collection of 270ish GB of videos I’d been curating since at least the age of 13. Many of the videos in this stash are ones I’ve watched and enjoyed regularly for the better half of 2 decades. I became obsessed with femdom at a very young age and I feel as if this collection of videos groomed me and provided an anchor to warmth and comfort through nearly every imaginable era of my life. Middle school, high school, undergrad and the five years since that.
During that time, I spent 8 of the years with a girlfriend who I tried to share my interest in femdom with in the bedroom but I learned after the relationship through her social media that she often felt coerced by my desire for us to indulge in my kinks. She also told me after our break up that she found my folder open in the last year of our relationship, but never told me (long story short, I was moving to another country and the relationship was going to end regardless so I guess it didn’t matter), but I still think about how easy it was for most of that relationship for me to hide my porn addiction because for 6 of the 8 years we lived 3 hours apart. I think because I was a teenager for half of that too, I had no idea how to best introduce my personal kinks healthily in a relationship.
Moving on from that, I lived completely alone for the first time ever and had total freedom to spend as much time as I wanted with the women in my collection. I was single so absolved from guilt of hiding something, but I knew if I ever wanted to date again I would need to confront my ability to manage my various “affairs”. But a new dating opportunity came my way and I didn’t confront shit. I started dating my now wife in 2016 and told her that while I have often consumed porn in the past I have never felt the need to with her. A bold faced lie.
This relationship was also long distance for seven months and I learned to carve time out of this relationship for porn early on. I masturbated to femdom art in the bathroom on our wedding day.
Our relationship is fucking amazing and I love her more than the entire world but every time I say that to myself knowing the lies I’ve crafted around her reality make it impossible to say in fairness that my love for her is equal to her love for me. I’m selfish and shitty for something I’ve kept up across multiple relationships and phases of life.
It came to a head as something that I was forced to confront during an lsd trip with her. I kept hearing her say that she wants to “hear all the dark secrets behind those eyes” and repeated whisperings that ate me alive in what was otherwise an incredibly intimate exploration of carnal desires.
Deleting this collection is like letting go of a powerful guiding force in my life that would ground me and enchant me. It was very much a living entity in my psyche and my relationship with it has been more than destructive to myself. I know that deleting the folder can not undo the lie I have created and see myself continuing to live with. I don’t know if I am deserving of forgiveness even if I were to tell the truth and ask for it. Deleting the stash is the first step of many in learning to live with the path of destruction I’ve left in my footsteps. I need my wife like water and air and it’s disgustingly long overdue but I hope that it counts for something.
Thank you so much for reading my story.
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2020.09.18 14:14 cwcoleman Secret porn girlfriend

I live in the Pacific Northwest, USA. Backpacking in the Cascades all 4 seasons of the year with my girlfriend and husky/shepard.
Dog Tax: https://i.imgur.com/eela7yV.jpg
Winter here rarely drops below 0F/-17C overnight below 7000 feet. 10F is our low limit (based on gear, dog, and overall fun factor). Snow gets deep in the Cascades - we are often hiking/camping on feet of snowpack. Mostly 1 or 2 night trips. #WeekendWarrior
Here is some info on the gear we carry…
Shelter: Weather protection is the key job of a winter shelter. Warmth is not important (exceptions can be made for ‘hot tents’ - but that’s not what I’m into). A 4-season tent is designed to withstand heavy snowfall and strong winds. Mine is especially excellent at ventilation - since condensation in winter can be a killer. I also have a large vestibule on my tent to store snowy gear and shake off before entering the sanctuary of the inner area. The outer rain fly goes all the way to the ground - to prevent blowing snow from getting inside. The inner tent does not have mesh - it’s another solid layer of fabric. Snow stakes / pegs are important - or you’ll have to bury a dead man anchor. Digging out frozen pegs in the morning is often super hard.

Sleep System: A sleeping bag rated for 0F/-17C temps and 2 sleeping pads make up my system. The sleeping bag is filled with down, super fluffy to trap all that warm air. Loft is the key to a warm bag. I also use a sleeping bag liner sometimes to add comfort and warmth - it also helps keep my expensive winter bag clean of body oils so that’s a bonus. An inflatable sleeping pad with an R-value over 4 provides insulation from the frozen ground. So much warmth can be lost to the snow - so paying attention to R-value numbers are key. I also add on a closed cell foam pad to the setup, over top the inflatable. It adds more insulation. The foam pad is also useful around camp before bed. I sit on it for dinner, lunch, or whenever I’m not moving. Plus it’s a safety net if the inflatable gets a puncture. I also use an inflatable pillow, same as summer. You can always add clothes to warm up in the sleeping bag (sleeping naked is unnecessary, just don’t wear anything that is so tight it restricts blood flow). Sleeping in a puffy jacket or wool mid-layer is fine - just try not to get wet stuff in your bag or the insulation will get wet. Down booties are my secret weapon for a good nights sleep in winter - highly recommended!
Backpack: Need one big enough to hold all the stuff in this list. The foam pad will be strapped to the outside. I like my avy tools to be quickly accessible - so a snow specific pocket is a valuable feature. Durability is also important for a winter pack - since I have sharp tools and rough snow to bash it against. 65 liters works for my kit (50 liters is normally enough for my summer loadout). Fit is key - get a pack that feels good to you.
Cook System: Liquid fuel burns better below freezing temps. People do make canister stoves with isobutane work - however I’ve had bad performance with those. White gas stoves are excellent for winter trips. I use my stove for boiling water and melting snow for drinking. We end up using the stove for nearly every meal in winter, at minimum for a warm drink. A 20 ounce bottle is often enough for a 1 night trip. A 1 or 2 liter titanium pot goes with the stove. Since I’m not cooking food in it - it’s nice to keep this simple/light. Bigger is better for melting snow - pro tip: start with some water in the pot when melting snow, starting from snow only makes it complicated. We like cups for sipping warm drinks too - even in summer we tend to take cups in addition to our cook pot. Add a long handle spoon for eating, a lighter to get things going, and a rag to keep everything from banging inside the pot when packed.
Water: Purification is mostly unnecessary - since we have to melt all our water from frozen snow. We let it roll boil for a bit to kill everything. Filters are not great for winter trips - since they can freeze and crack, sometimes without you even knowing. Liquid chemicals do work - and if we know there is a flowing source we’ll take Aquamira in dropper bottles. Bladders are also not great for freezing conditions - the tube is just too complicated to keep unfrozen, even with insulation wrapping and drinking every 5 minutes. I like wide mouth Nalgene bottles. I can pour boiling water into them and the wide mouth is less likely to freeze up. Store the bottle upside down so if ice does form it’s not near the mouth. I put the bottle into an insulated sleeve normally. I do own a few fancy insulated bottles from HydroFlask. They are pretty heavy - but their new Trail Series is not bad.
Snow / Avalanche: Beacon, probe, and shovel are in our pack for every winter trip. These are the avalanche rescue essentials. The shovel is also indispensable for digging ‘furniture’ at camp. An ice axe may also be valuable to arrest a slide down an icy slope.
Navigation: Winter travel is often off-trail. The summer route may be different from the winter route - to avoid avalanche dangers. The trail may also be covered in snow - with limited clues where to go. Whiteouts are also a possibility in winter. Overall - navigation is critical for winter backpacking. A dedicated handheld GPS device is very nice. Smartphone apps can also provide direction (if you download the proper maps at home pre-trip). Even better if you plot out your route at home and load it into your device. Extra bonus if your device also has SOS capabilities. Regardless of what technology is in my pocket - I always always have a paper map and compass.
Clothing: Layers are key for staying warm on the trail and in camp. I get surprisingly warm while working hard in snowy conditions. Snowshoeing is a lot of work - especially when breaking trail through deep fresh snow. Then I get surprisingly cold while sitting still in camp. Not moving in below freezing temps takes layers and layers to keep me from shaking. Without writing a whole book on this subject alone - I start with wool base layers. My base layers often go on at home and never come off until I return. I’ll have wool boxers/socks with wool leggings over top. Then a short or long sleeve shirt for the top. Mid layer top is also wool normally - ideally with a full length zipper to help ventilate when hot. No mid-layer bottoms typically. Maybe a second pair of leggings/sweats for the bottom to put on in camp. A down jacket provides insulation - and I have thicker or thinner versions depending on low temps. The final layer is waterproof jacket and pants - goretex fabric. I keep a set of dry socks and a thick beanie for inside the tent only. Plus lots of accessories: thick and thin gloves, thick and thin beanies, wool buff neck gaiter, sunglasses, and goggles. Rubber gloves are one non-expected item I’ve started to like. Footwear depends on terrain - snowshoes, microspikes, or skis. Boots with insulation are key, plus gaiters to keep the snow out.
Food Bag: Important to keep food protected from any animals. Even in winter a rodent, bird, or other animal may come looking for a snack. Ending up with no food or getting a hole chewed through my shelter could be a big problem. I use the same food bag in winter that I use for summer. Hanging is too hard.
Poop Kit: Dealing with solid waste is complicated in winter. Carrying it out can be required in some places - since burying in solid ground isn’t an option. I bring a blue wag bag on trips in case this happens. Most of the time I’m able to dig down and find a place to bury my poop. I never bury toilet paper or wipes in winter - they simply won’t decompose down there in frozen ground. I also own a ‘poop tube’ in case I need to carry out more than a few poops. I don’t have a pee bottle for the tent - but many people do (I don’t mind getting out at night to go when necessary). Pro Tip: wiping your butt with a snowball is AMAZING. I’m not joking - its seriously the best thing to wipe with in nature. TRY IT!
Dog Stuff: Our 60 pound husky/shepard can handle some extreme conditions. I've set her low limit at 10F or 15F max - she starts to shake after that. She sleeps on a closed cell foam pad. My girlfriend knitted her a sweater of wool coated in lanolin. I also cut an old synthetic sleeping bag in half and drape it over her on really cold nights. She is happy to curl up in the tent next to us the whole winter night (and winter nights are LONG). Her water bowl will freeze - so we give her drinks often in smaller amounts. We take her normal kibble for food - also giving her portions throughout the day. No backpack. She absolutely loves winter camping!
Accessories: Random stuff like headlamp, first aid, multitool, lighter, watch, phone, dry bag, and trash bag are also important. Basically the same stuff I take in summer, nothing special here.
Trekking Poles: Poles become more important for snowy trips. Helping with balance and getting up/down steep slopes. They can also help you stand up after falling in deep snow. Or even to peg out your shelter. I use the same poles as summer. The baskets on the bottom are the key. ‘Snow baskets’ can be swapped into most poles, which I do for winter time.
Food: Frozen food is hard. Literally. One tip is to take what you plan on eating and putting it into your freezer overnight. Open it in the morning at home and see what’s edible. Cliff Bars are 1 example that become completely inedible in freezing conditions - hard as a rock. You can put items inside your jacket to warm them up - but too many items up next to your body becomes a pain. I end up eating dehydrated foods mostly. Pour boiling water over them for an instant meal. Cleanup in cold temps is a huge pain - so another bonus to eat-in-bag meals. I don’t eat much more on winter trips although in theory a higher calorie diet will help keep you body warmer. I do eat a snack before bed to fuel the engine. I like warm drinks with every meal. Coffee in the morning, miso soup for lunch, and tea for dinner.

Final Note - safety is critical for winter overnight trips. Mistakes can result in death. Unlike summer trips - staying warm and dry is key to survival. Have a backup plan and don’t feel bad about turning around at any point. Group communication is important. Avalanche danger is also real. Make sure to understand the risks, read the avy bulletin, and avoid avalanche terrain whenever possible.

MSR has a great post about winter camping tips - check it out:


Super long post… any questions? any additions? what did I get right? what did I get wrong?
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2020.09.17 08:11 ThrowRAjustwanttoask Secret girlfriend porn

So this is a very weird issue I started having about half a year ago.. I (22,M) have a best friend from middleschool (22, F), I'm extremely close with. We share a deeply platonic love for each other, but from the very beginning of our friendship it was extremely clear that our relationship is and always will be just that, platonic. I an absolutely not her type and she really isn't mine. Also while our personalities work together extremely well as close friends, neither of us could have a romantic relationship with a person like this. There is absolutely no chance that she is secretly attracted to me, since we are completely honest with each other regarding our dating life (if it's not a private matter of her bf) and romantic attractions.
But I startet having this dreams starring her and me having sex.. In these dreams she isn't like her usual self at all, it's more a random woman with her body and looks..? Sometimes I'm very awkward in these dreams and hesitant because it's her, but sometimes I don't notice that it's her, up until I wake up. It's really making me sick, cause I don't see her this way and REALLY don't want to have dreams like this, but I don't know how to stop it. Since we share almost everything I thought about talking to her about it, but it sounds like it would just destroy our trust..
I also want to add that I never had a girlfriend and don't watch porn, so my friend is the only woman I've seen naked/in underwear (while changing) fairly often and my theory would be that my brain just inputs the only body I know in the role of the 2 person in sexuell dreams..
Does anyone has any idea what's going on or how to make it stop? It's kinda making me miserable
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2020.09.16 23:34 Dont_Get_It_ Secret girlfriend porn

I’m not sure if this is the right place, but I believe my boyfriend of 5 years is addicted to porn and/or masturbation. I know he’s watched porn since the start of our relationship. I have stumbled across it here and there. I just thought it was what guys do. It didn’t bother me as much at first, but now we do not have sex. Like, at all. Ever. It’s been well over a year, at least. He locks himself away in our basement office and acts super secretive about everything and communication is ZERO regarding this topic. He gets very defensive. I know what he’s doing and I’m in the house. Upstairs. Frustrated.
My self-esteem is ravaged. Some weeks he will act like my boyfriend, other weeks he’s so distant it makes me want to scream. It is like his energy changes. It always correlates to how much he’s locked away. I can feel a difference in who he is. It’s the cliche relationship statement of...”everything is great, except for this issue”.
My mind races every minute of the day. I wake up peaceful and I’m instantly anxious when I remember everything. I feel so consumed with frustration and low self-worth. Although, I can hide my feelings well. I just put on my happy face most days.
I see women who are less attractive than me who have a healthy sex life and I think...what’s wrong with me. Am I that horrible? I’m resentful. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I never had low self-esteem before. I’ve never hated my body before. When I see naked women in movies, my stomach turns. It’s like this has caused me to feel so insecure with myself sexually. The thought of sex makes me feel uncomfortable now. I’m just so sad about it all and try to hide it to spare his feelings. And of course, none of this helps matters.
But then society tells me I’m a crazy woman for feeling this way. Porn is “normal”. It’s “natural“. It’s what men “need”. Or it’s...”at least they aren’t out cheating with actual women.” I don’t know what to feel.
I love my boyfriend more than anything and I want to help him (if I can). For those who were/are suffering with masturbation/porn addiction, did you think about how it affected your girlfriend/fiancé/wife? Did it matter? What made you decide to change? How can I support my boyfriend? I know that’s a lot of questions, but I want the perspective of those struggling with this or from those who have overcome this.
For those struggling, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone. <3
TL/DR: Pretty sure boyfriend has porn/masturbation addiction. Makes me feel horrible about myself and sad for him. How can I be supportive?
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