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----- Aquifers and Recharge Areas 4-27 Water—Through And Through 4-37 Rain and Leaching 4-41 Making Drinking Water 4-45 Recharge and Discharge of Groundwater 4-51 Rural Waste Water 4-57 Chapter 5 - Wetlands and Coastal Dilution And Pollution 5-1 Cleaning Oil Spills 5-5 Effects of Lost Salt Marshes 5-11 Let's Go Fishing! 5-19 Pictures, People, and Pollution 5-25 Plastic Waste 5-27 Pollution ... Start studying Topic 2 Lesson 5 A Nation of Cities. Learn vocabulary, terms, and more with flashcards, games, and other study tools. When A Neighborhood Is Cleaned Up And Kept Neat, There Are A Number Of Positive Spillovers: Higher Property Values, Less Crime, Happier Residents. What Types Of Government Policies Can Encourage Neighborhoods To Clean Up? This problem has been solved! See the answer. 10. When a neighborhood is cleaned up and kept neat, there are a number of ... Only mom can release them from the torturous loyalty bind and pave the way to a healthy stepmom-stepchild relationship, by saying, "I wish you'd give Jenny a chance. I won't be upset." Too often ... A former New York City stripper who delighted social media users with wild tales from her life last year is back on the Humans of New York Instagram account with even more incredible stories. In ... Although commercial properties make up only 3 percent of Oklahoma City’s vacancies, they account for approximately 40 percent of all police and fire calls. 30 Demolition costs can vary widely based on several factors, including whether the home is attached to occupied residences, such as a Baltimore row house that can cost $40,000 to demolish ... Start studying Unit 1 Test Review. Learn vocabulary, terms, and more with flashcards, games, and other study tools. According to cult devotee and prostitute Robin Murphy, Drew finally handed her a knife and ordered her to slit Marsden’s throat. Drew then cut an X into Marden’s chest and used her blood to mark an X on Murphy’s forehead. Finally, Drew pulled and kicked at Marsden’s head until it came off. After Marsden’s death the cult was rounded up. The worst yard in the neighborhood was cleaned up for cult activity. Only Karen was strong enough to save us... In every little slice of suburbia, quietly tucked away in those “cute neighborhoods” referenced in the real estate pamphlets, there is always THAT house. When we got the nastygram from the city about "feeding pests," we cleaned up the front yard completely and stopped putting out feed in our yard. After 15 years of feeding the birds and other critters, we decided to just stop altogether. Again, it's too bad, but it was also expensive to feed animals that way.

2020.09.24 20:53 hgtv_neighbor Spying on girls men naked

In every little slice of suburbia, quietly tucked away in those “cute neighborhoods” referenced in the real estate pamphlets, there is always THAT house. You know the one. The “shit show.”
Welcome to Saddle Downs. At one time the best neighborhood in town, but now amongst the perfectly manicured lawns and driveways with nary a spot of oil leakage, an unholy abomination that looks like an episode of Hoarders made sweet love to Fred Sanford’s bread and butter elicits sighs and dramatic eye rolling from all who reside here. They wonder out loud “how someone who can afford to buy here could live in that kind of mess. Of all the damned nerve!”
Standing in the driveway--garden hose in hand and meticulously rinsing my yard tools, I surveyed my crab grass outbreak with disdain and BOILED under the surface about what he’s done to this once beautiful collection of domiciles. I know the property values here have completely gone to shit. How could they not? And it’s ME who has to live DIRECTLY ACROSS THE STREET from him.
The trash. The junk. The 1989 Geo Metro with no hood. The kiddie pool full of slime and frogs. FFS, he has three VCR’s stacked beside the mailbox. Yes…I said VCR’s
And is it so damned hard to cut your grass on Tuesdays like the rest of us?? I want to try the new edger I picked up during a July 4th sale (40 volt, top of the line), but as of right now I haven’t even seen the point. My yard will look like shit no matter what, because of HIM.
The neighborhood association won’t help. If it’s anything other than potholes or barbeques, they have a “hands off” approach to governance. I plan to run for president in the spring.
Anyway…I could feel my blood pressure going through the roof that night, and the plant-based diet I switched to wasn’t doing shit to help bring it down. Something HAD to be done about him…
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Allen.
Mid 50’s, twice married and twice divorced, he works as an I.T. contractor for the state. Being stuck at home because of Covid, I hadn’t seen him outside in months. Who needs to go outside when you have GrubHub and your lawn mower is lying next to the house in 100 pieces? He had made a perfect hermit’s life, intrinsically safe from those of us who only asked for a little bit of respect for the neighborhood.
So, imagine my surprise when at 6pm last Friday evening, he suddenly stumbles out the front door, down the steps, and begins cleaning up his yard. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I was so stunned that I forgot the hose was still on until it soaked my favorite pair of Duluth Trading khakis.
I blinked a few times to confirm what I was seeing. Allen was actually cleaning!
I quickly gathered my tools and hung them in their outlined spots on the pegboard my wife, Karen, got me for Father’s Day. Her essential oils business has really taken off lately and she’s starting to spoil me. It’s amazing what people will do for some of her concoctions. She’s got proven anecdotal evidence of the efficacy of her blends. She’s healed everything from spider bites to yeast infections with those little bottles of miracle juice.
I practically sprinted into the house to let her know what Allen was up to. Making sure to sit by the window the rest of the evening, I continued to peek out at my new favorite neighbor during commercial breaks in the Sean Hannity show. I wanted so very badly to go talk to him about it, but I was terrified that interrupting his task would jinx my good fortune.
When I went to bed around 9:30, Allen was still hard at it and showed no signs of slowing.
The next morning at 6:15 I heard the familiar beeps that signal a large vehicle moving in reverse. I nearly fell over trying to slip into my Crocs to get to the porch and have a look. A massive flatbed truck was dropping a 30 foot long dumpster in the yard. Allen was really getting serious!
I couldn’t take it any longer. I had planned to spend the day applying epoxy to my garage floor, but it was Allen’s project I was truly excited about now.
I had to go over there.
Quickly putting on some work quality clothes, I calmly made my way down the driveway and across the street. The yard was already looking better, but it really did have a long way to go. Allen was working like a madman.
He’s about 5’6 and half as wide as he is tall. What remained of his light brown hair was shaggy and unkempt, and he always wore the same outfit; dark gray suit pants, worn out loafers, and one of those silky, short sleeve dress shirts with vertical stripes that were popular in the early 1980’s.
Despite the less than ideal attire for the task at hand, Allen was working his ass off…and so would I. It was clear that absolutely nothing in the yard would escape the dumpster’s insatiable appetite, so without a word I fell in beside him and set to work.
It was a beautiful free-for-all and I was having the time of my life. I practically pranced around the yard, grabbing up anything I felt capable of getting over the side of the giant trash receptacle. Toys, scrap metal, fast food trash, some ugly ass yard ornaments Allen’s ex-wife had set out back in the late 90’s. Plastic frogs and flamingoes, bleached and dried brittle by 20 plus years of sun and weather cycles.
It was the most fun I’ve since the free resort weekend I scored just for attending a time share seminar and buying a share of a sweet villa in Branson, Missouri.
Oddly enough though, after a solid half hour of work Allen hadn’t said a word, or even acknowledged my presence for that matter. I finally broke the ice.
“Hey buddy! Just thought I’d come out here and give you some help. You’ve got a BIG job on your hands here, but it’ll be totally worth the effort. I even have a perfect grass seed blend for you. I came up with it myself after a long battle with clover. You won’t believe how good it’ll look in a few weeks!”
Allen never acknowledged my presence. He just continued, pushing himself harder and harder. His hair was all over the place and sweat had soaked through his clothes from head to toe.
A thought suddenly hit me.
I lightly grabbed him by the upper arm and said “Hey Allen. Did you ever stop last night?”
“No.”
I pressed further “You didn’t come in at all? You’ve just been out here nonstop?”
“Yes.”
It was killing me. I risked ruining everything, but I had to ask.
“Hey man…Why are you suddenly cleaning up after 20 years of neglecting your yard and ignoring everyone who has ever asked you to do something about it?”
Under labored breath, still without slowing even a step or glancing my direction, he said
“They’re coming.”
I inquired further.
“Who’s coming? You having a family get together? Pampered Chef party? Jehovah’s Witnesses stopping by to check on your soul?”
Allen suddenly snapped up, lunged at me and screamed directly in my face.
“NO…NO NO NO!!”
He abruptly turned and went right back to picking up a large chunk of a broken toilet covered in wet leaves, heaving it into the dumpster and waddling to the other side of the driveway to begin unearthing an old riding mower covered in the remnants of a splintered water bed frame.
I was a bit caught off guard by the aggression. Regardless, I was so happy to see Allen’s grass for the first time since April 22nd, 2001 that I was willing to overlook his anger. Still, though, at that point I felt it best to just go on back home.
I went ahead and started on my garage floor project. I backed my RAV-4 out into the driveway. I didn’t have to deal with Karen’s Volvo because she had an early appointment at the hair salon, then planned to return some things at a department store she felt were dishonestly presented by the salesperson…I think she planned on giving that manager a piece of her mind.
After a few more days of cleaning outside, inside, and having a huge fence built around the yard, Allen’s place was looking great. I decided I would go shake the hands of whatever visitors he was having that had motivated him to take on this glorious project.
As it turned out, I was given the opportunity to do so sooner than expected. Allen’s guests arrived the very next day.
It was an interesting looking bunch that piled out of a few of those monster passenger vans. Upon closer inspection I saw the side of them said “ZIP-LIFE HOLISTICS.” Everyone looked to be under 40 or so, and some of them couldn’t have been much past their high school years. Athletic wear—more specifically, track suits—was the prevailing choice in attire for every single one of them. Each of them wore a different color, though, and when they got out of the vans it was like someone dumped a bag of skittles onto the driveway.
Their energy was boundless. Running, jumping, and shouting loudly with the same enthusiasm I feel when my grass finally reaches the 4.5 inch mark and I get to fire up the Cub Cadet. God I love that mower.
Everyone congregated in the front yard, surrounding Allen and giving him endless handshakes and pats on the back. Allen looked exhausted, but he had put on his best smile for the greeting.
Behind that big smile though, terror filled his eyes.
The next morning at 7:00 on the dot, the cheers began.
“WHO-LIVES-THEIR-LIFE WITH ZIP AND PRIDE??”
“WE DO! WE DO!”
“WHO FLOWS WITH JOY THEY CAN-NOT HIDE??”
“WE DO! WE DO!”
They did this OVER and OVER and OVER for a solid 15 minutes, stopping only to cheer and clap.
Finally, they shut it down and bounded off to the van where a woman was handing out leaflets of some sort. They began to sprint off throughout the neighborhood, so after all of them were gone I sauntered over to talk to Allen. He was alone in the yard, dressed in a lime green track suit and doing jumping jacks.
I feigned enthusiasm.
“Hey buddy. How’s it going with the visitors? They’re sure an energetic bunch!”
His attitude had turned a complete 180 degrees. “Oh, hey Brad! Yeah, they’re stupendous! What a great bunch of people. They’re gonna change the life of everyone in this neighborhood. Just you wait and see!”
Despite Allen’s zeal, I was skeptical and still a touch unnerved by the arrival of these health ambassadors. I mean…maybe they could help the neighborhood get back on track. Quarantine had really taken its toll on the midsection and hind quarters of just about everyone in Saddle Downs. Working from home was awesome, but the cafeteria choices were endless now. Eating had become a sport for me by that point.
I figured I could try and get on board. It was just a bunch of over-zealous kids, right?
“Well Allen, I suppose all of us could use some guidance right now…and maybe they’ve got some techniques to help us avoid Covid, right?”
“Oh, most definitely brad. Most definitely. You’ll see.”
That was enough for me for the moment. As I started back to my own yard, I turned back and asked Allen how he got involved with these people.
“I met them on the Internet playing an ORPG game called Second Life!”
I had no idea what that was, but the answer was good enough for me.
I cruised back over to the house, figuring Karen had my kale shake ready to go, along with a little avocado and falafel on toast that would likely NOT hit the spot.
As the day wore on, I kept an eye on things out on the streets of Saddle Downs.
The Lifers, as I’ll refer to them, were going door-to-door with their flyers. Some successfully gained entry to make what I presumed was their sales pitch, while others maintained that huge smile and boundless enthusiasm after being turned away at the door. They did, however, leave a small yellow sticker on the mailbox on the way out.
Allen continued to exercise, with one of the Zip-Life zealots cheering him on.
Eventually a couple of them were on my doorstep. Ugh. It was the first time I had seen any of them up close, and the only way I can describe them accurately is to say…
They dazzled.
The startlingly attractive young man and woman before me had perfectly straight, shockingly white teeth. Their aroma was fantastic, like some perfect blend of sugar cookies and Tide Pods. Clean, and sweet. It was intoxicating.
Their eyes were big, bright and full of life, reminding me of those things that endlessly swirl and put you into a daze while the hypnotist snatches your wallet. The whites were white enough to make me squint, and their irises were vivid in color and matched their track suits. The young man’s orange irises didn’t have that fake look you see with color contacts, either. I think they were legit, which for a split second sent a chill down my spine.
As the young man began his pitch, perfectly straight, blindingly white teeth opened to a mouth that said “Hello sir! I’m Tanner and this is Kylee. We’re friends of your neighbor, Allen Randall, and are representatives of the world’s number one door-to-door health and wellness company, Zip-Life Holistics!”
I have no idea what he said after that. All I remember is smiling dreamily, looking back and forth between their mesmerizing eyes, skin that appeared to have disco balls embedded in its pores, and feeling compelled to only breathe through my nose. I found my feet shifting below me as I pushed open the storm door and welcomed them into my home. Floating in sheer ecstasy, I led them to the couch, where they sat down and produced a flyer for me to read.
At that moment, all I could think of was how much I wanted to please these strangers. How I would do absolutely anything for Taylor and Kylee.
Yes, I’ll sign those forms. Yes, I’ll be ready at 10pm on Friday. Sure, I’ll be eating nothing but raw, organic foods until then. I’ll do everything just as you wish. I just want to be well, for YOU. Thank you for saving me.”
Thank God for Karen. She had been in the Kitchen, live streaming one of her “Super Coupon” videos (she has 152 subscribers…not too shabby, right?) and hadn’t noticed Tanner and Kylee’s entrance until the smell hit her.
“Who’s here? That’s not Gain. That’s Tide. That shit is expensive! Someone needs a coupon lesson!”
She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw me starting to sign papers.
“Don’t you sign anything Brad! They’re probably gonna hit your credit card for a hundred bucks a month or something.”
“You kids skedaddle. Didn’t you see the magnet on my car? I blend ESSENTIAL OILS. Do you know what that means? It means get the heck out of my house with your worthless pills, or whatever other malarkey you’re peddling. It ain’t happenin’! Not on my watch!”
The two beautiful, amazing smelling Lifers smiled, thanked me for my time, and gave Karen a little death stare as they made for the door. Karen followed them into the yard, yelling the whole way.
“Don’t you make a face at me! I’ve got your leaflet in the house and don’t you think for a second that I won’t call your manager about these shady tactics you’re using!”
I exhaled sharply and ran my hands across my face to wake up a bit. When I looked back up they were gone…and one of those little yellow stickers adorned our mailbox.
Karen gave me a bit of a scolding after she came back inside, but I did deserve it. It didn’t last too long, though, because she had to get to work on a big batch of potato salad to take to a party at my office. Those people love her recipe.
The rest of the Lifers eventually congregated back at Allen’s house. It looked like they were camping in the back yard, which is probably why Allen had that absurdly high fence installed.
Around 7pm, things got…weird.
Firstly, there was more cheering.
After the noise subsided I could hear a lot of grunting and groaning, and eventually curiosity got the best of me. I grabbed a ladder and made my way up to the roof. Our houses are more diagonally lined up, so with a bit of height I got a pretty clear view of Allen’s back yard.
It looked like they were performing feats of strength.
Some of them began picking up landscaping rocks the size of watermelons, followed by each taking a turn throwing theirs across the yard as far as possible. The best throw was about 15 feet, which was REALLY far for a rock that I would guess weighs around 200lbs.
The winner? Kylee, all 5’2 and 120lbs of her.
After that, some of the men locked arms and legs, building upon each other for some kind of creation. Bodies twisted and contorted, eventually taking the shape of a wheel…complete with human spokes.
One of the women gave them a push, and off they went, rolling across the yard. It was an impressive feat of strength and flexibility…and just a touch unsettling. The wheel made it back around the yard, and several more of the men stood on others’ shoulders on both sides of the “wheel,” eventually revealing themselves to be posts. The entire contraption together became a freaky Ferris wheel. Someone gave it a push, and off it went, slowly rotating on an axis made of the backs of their brethren.
That was both mesmerizing AND freaky, but a big group of the women, however, really pushed the envelope. The men began to chant.
DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
It took a few minutes for it all to come together, but after everyone was in position I was looking at all 20 of the women bent into impossible positions and exercising body control that would require the strength of a herd of elephants. Arms bent backward, shoulders dislocated and twisted in ways that would paralyze any normal person. I felt bile rise in my throat, even viewing it from over 100 feet away.
All the disgusting contortions came together, and suddenly I was looking at a 10 foot tall spider with the entire body and 8 legs made of people who should have been dead from their positioning alone.
And it wasn’t unstable. It wasn’t about to collapse like one of those shitty popsicle stick houses we made in kindergarten. Had it not been so terrifying, it would have been nothing short of magnificent.
And then that spider WALKED…
And then it RAN…
Their bodies were in perfect harmony as “it” ran across the back yard.
More chanting.
“SPI-DER! SPI-DER! SPI-DER! SPI-DER!”
Continuing to run with absolute accuracy, they began to emit a clicking sound that I can only describe as “how a spider sounds in a movie.”
“TICK-A TICK-A TICK-A TICK-A!
TICK-A TICK-A TICK-A TICK-A”
My skin was crawling at this point.
Then, as if the situation couldn’t get any more bizarre and terrifying, I watched as that human spider crawled right up the back wall of Allen’s three story house and onto the roof. And when it stopped I realized that before it crawled up the house, several of the men had jumped on and stacked themselves close on the front of the spider body. Their heads were packed tightly together, and their eyes became the spider’s eyes.
And they blinked in unison.
Then it shifted a bit. The legs, the body, and those eyes, rotating around while a few dozen mouths emitted that “tick-a tick-a tick-a” sound. In a side profile stance, facing off in the distance it stood.
It felt as if everything around me had gone silent. This wasn’t just funny, or creepy anymore. It was downright scary. And as I soaked it all in and began to wonder what the hell I was really witnessing, I watched, horrified as every Lifer on that hideous creation turned their head toward me.
And they smiled…
*************************************************************************************
I slept like absolute shit that night. After the spider spent a few minutes twitching around on the roof and looking at me, it/they crawled back down to the yard and disassembled. Eventually everyone settled down and I didn’t hear anything else until early morning when the daily cheering began again.
I must admit, the spider really scared me. When I said those girls got into impossible positions I was NOT exaggerating. I was looking at fully dislocated shoulders and hips, spines twisted up like paper clips, and heads that twisted completely around. These were not normal people.
This routine continued for the rest of the week.
-Wake up and cheer
-Work the neighborhood
-Cheer some more
-Do weird shit in the back yard until dark, including but not limited to
-Relay races (on their hands)
-Professional-style wrestling (without padding)
-Duck, Duck, Goose and Red Rover (with tackling)
-Forming a human snake 50 feet long and slithering around the house for 45 straight minutes, with everyone making a “sssssssssssssssssssssss” sound and flicking their tongues. Then every few minutes coiling up and striking at imaginary things.
They did try to make their pitch to us once each day, becoming more persistent as the week progressed, but Karen always shooed them off. On their Friday afternoon visit she even sprayed them with lavender oil. Tanner looked PISSED about it, too. As the days wore on, though, I noticed the little yellow stickers eventually being removed, and figured my weak minded neighbors were finally giving in and agreeing to the presentation. Not Karen, though. She’s hardcore about this kind of thing.
Four days into this adventure, I noticed something. I had never seen them eating, drinking, or going into the house to use the bathroom. I did see twice a day they were given a shot glass worth of some kind of liquid, which I presumed was whatever product they must be selling
Despite it all, the neighborhood was still running normally. People came and went, cars were washed, and dogs were walked. Mrs. Bush down the street was in her front yard, drunk and arguing with her adult son, who was also drunk, about his chronic unemployment and wasting his government money on “cheap women.”
Friday night, Karen and I were sipping some of our favorite craft beer on the porch when we noticed an abnormally large number of people heading down the street. I recognized some of the faces and others were foreign to me, but they all turned in to Allen’s driveway and formed a line that extended a ways down the street. I suddenly recalled something on Tanner and Kylee’s pamphlet about “being there” on Friday at 10pm. A quick check of my watch confirmed that it was, in-fact, 10pm. Now I was REALLY interested to see what was going down.
I moved from the porch to the living room to watch one of these quarantine MLB games, which was almost as weird as watching the Lifers do their thing. I kept a constant eye on the goings-on at Allen’s though and as the evening wore on the traffic really picked up. For hours I sat there watching neighbors get in line, looking completely happy and relaxed—no doubt enjoying the Scent of sugar cookies and eye candy the Lifers provided—waiting their turn to go behind the gate. Several of the Lifers looked to almost be standing guard there, with more standing along the street in front of the house.
All night long, the cycle was the same.
-Person goes through the gate on one side of the house, followed by a few minutes of silence.
-Horrific screaming, followed by the Lifers clapping and cheering.
-Then the person shuffled out of the gate on the other side of the house, and very slowly shuffled home.
By 2am, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to get a look behind that house again, even if it WAS a shitty angle.
I was headed for the roof again.
I grabbed my ladder and began my ascent. As I reached the top rung and my head cleared the roof line, I heard a voice coming from below—accompanied by the very faint smell of sugar cookies.
It was Tanner.
“Hey Brad! Whatcha doin’ up there?” He gave the ladder a little shake.
“I don’t think it’s safe to be up on the roof this late. Why don’t you come on down and go back in the house? Kylee said Karen looks pretty lonely in the bed.”
They were watching Karen sleep??
Now I was angry. I felt a surge of adrenaline, and it was finally time to tell this asshole what I really thought of him and his stupid Lifer friends.
“Tanner, why don’t YOU get the FUCK out of my yard and go back to your weird-ass cult across the street before I call the cops!”
Tanner chuckled and said “Braaaaaaad. YOUR NEIGHBOR, the chief of police is in line at Allen’s right this minute. You know that.”
And then he literally jumped straight up the 30 feet to my roof.
Tanner crouched directly in front of me, grabbed my ladder and tipped me a foot back from the edge, literally holding my life in his right hand.
His orange eyes glowed like two big fireflies in the darkness.
“Brad. Everything is fine over there. It would REALLY be in your best interest to climb back down this VERY unstable ladder and get “the FUCK” back in your house.”
I nodded, scared shitless. My adrenaline surged again as I gripped that ladder with every ounce of strength I had. There was no exit plan here if he let me go, and I am not ashamed to admit that I wet my pants.
“Ok, Tanner. I’ll go back inside. Please, PLEASE move my ladder back and let me climb down.”
And just like that, he returned the ladder to a safe angle, got in a high-dive position and did a gainer off the roof, landing perfectly on his feet.
When I stepped off, he was directly in my face. He did NOT smell like cookies and Tide now. He smelled musty, like an old museum. The glimmer in his skin came and went like static on a TV, and his eyes no longer dazzled. He looked tired, as if he’d used up every ounce of his normally boundless energy.
That’s the last thing I remember.

I woke up on the couch around 7:00. My drool-covered shirt was turned halfway around my torso and one of my socks was missing in action. I felt absolutely awful. Every muscle ached to some degree and my feet felt like they were made of lead. I was completely exhausted, and my back felt like it was on fire. I made it to the kitchen and tried to get my head together. Out of nowhere, I was suddenly ready to MURDER someone for some bacon…or sausage…or a bagel with Lox…or some Lay’s potato chips…or a big glass of sea water. I threw my middle finger in the air and turned in a circle to let ALL the components of Karen’s stupid plant-based diet know what I thought of them. Dr. Ornish could eat a dick…actually I guess he wouldn’t, though.
I practically DRAGGED myself to the window to see what the Lifers were up to.
They were gone.
I was startled as Karen emerged from the hallway, tripped, and fell flat on her face, sending half a dozen essential oil vials flying across the room. I was too tired to even try to help her up.
Groaning, she pushed herself up on her elbows.
“What the hell happened last night, Brad? The last thing I remember is that Kylee girl standing beside my bed speaking in another language. There were bits of English mixed in there. She said something like ‘we are ancient…older than death himself…’ and then something about cows and pigs no longer being sufficient?”
I looked at her like she had three eyes. Not only was I in tremendous pain…I was feeling a little combative.
“What? Are you drunk? Did you put too much lemongrass and ylang-ylang in your tea again last night??”
When Karen is pissed, her voice gets really nasal and her A’s are literally enough to bust eardrums. After my smartass comment, I really had it coming, though.
“NOOOOOOO BRAAAAD! She said it! She said that shit, and the last thing of it I recall is her rolling me over onto my stomach and saying “Thanks bitch. I’ll fill you back up with Marjoram.”
She had managed to stand again, but doubled over in pain and hit the floor once more.
“Ughhhhhh…Damn-it Brad, why does my back hurt SOOOOO BAAAAD???”
I looked down at her exposed back. It was swollen and red, and she had a tiny hole or needle mark just above each kidney. I had the same. What the heck was up there?
Trying to look at my own back, I began turning in circles like a dog trying to sniff its own butt.
“Karen, look at these holes in my back. What’s in that spot?”
She had spent a few years in nursing school back in the day before quitting to sell door-to-door cosmetics, and god only knows what other flavor of the week MLMs that came about.
She thought about it for a moment. “I think it’s the adrenal gland. What the…did they steal our adrenaline???!!!
I helped Karen to her feet, we plopped ourselves down at the kitchen table, and I blacked out.
*************************************************************************************
Three hours later I woke up, my cheek smashed down on the table. Surrounding me was remnants of a bag of beef jerky, a jar of pickles with no juice, and my mouth was caked in what tasted like feta cheese. Karen was on the floor, blocking the doorway threshold and mumbling something in her sleep about not needing a receipt. Peeking out from under the edge of her robe was what was left of the block of feta.
I shuffled my way to the bathroom, stripped off my disheveled and urine stained clothes, and let a hot shower take me away to paradise. God I was thirsty. Karen says the chlorine and fluoride in city water is bad for me, but I didn’t care. I drank it right out of the faucet.
After getting cleaned up, I stepped out on the patio for some fresh air. Many of my neighbors were out and about, moving like they were 100 years old but trying to do the normal stuff--taking walks, washing cars, etc. I gingerly made my way next door to speak with my buddy Mike. He had been out of town most of the week, but I saw him in line last night. I caught up to him as he was checking his mail.
“Yo Mike. How’s it going?”
He looked terrible. “Hey Brad. Man I feel like complete shit. I don’t know what the hell happened to me last night. I haven’t felt this bad since I got completely plastered at your Super bowl party.”
I vividly remember that event. Mike, the 50 year old accountant, attempted a backflip on a dare and landed on his face.
I looked at him quizzically. “You mean you don’t remember being at Allen’s? Going behind the fence for the Zip-Life product demonstration?”
He closed the mailbox and looked back up at me.
“The what? Zip Who? I haven’t spoken with Allen in months. I’d like to kiss him right on the mouth though, for finally cleaning up his property. I wish I had been here to see it. Damn, dude. My back is killing me!”
He turned and raised his shirt, and sure enough… the same swelling and holes in his back.
I told him what I suspected had happened to us, but he had absolutely no recollection of the Lifers ever having set foot in Saddle Downs. I was too tired to press the issue, and Mike didn’t seem to care about the holes in his back. It’s like his memory and even his sense of self-preservation was just…absent.
I ended the conversation and made my way a couple houses down, intercepting a lady named Sandra as she VERY slowly made her way through the morning walk she’s taken every single day for 23 years. We had the same conversation. She had the same marks, and like Mike, had no memory of the night before.
I tried several others and got more of the same. Finally I headed for Allen’s house, banging HARD on the door. When he answered, it was clear that I had woken him up. He was wearing nothing but a pair of old, very undersized boxers.
“Uhhh…hey Brad. What’s up?”
“Allen, I’ve had enough of this shit. What the hell did those people do to everyone last night??”
He looked completely confused. “What? What are you talking about? Who?”
I roared with every ounce of strength I had left.
“THE ZIP-LIFE PEOPLE, ALLEN! THEY JACKED EVERYONE UP! WE ALL HAVE HOLES ABOVE OUR KIDNEYS AND NO ONE KNOWS WHY! I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT EVEN REMEMBERS THEM BEING HERE!”
All of a sudden it was like the light bulb went off. Allen’s eyes nearly popped out of his skull. I exhaled sharply, relieved that SOMEONE could finally shed some light on all of this.
Allen jumped through the door, darting back and forth across the porch, giving evil stares to everyone he could see.
As he flew by me for the third time I caught a look at his shirtless back…
There was nothing.
No holes. No swelling. Just a nice, plump back with enough hair on it to sculpt a mowhawk.
And as he ran out into the street with murder in his eyes, naked aside from the underwear hanging halfway down his ass, I knew the story had ended. I wasn’t going to get my answer, because I knew what the next words out of his mouth would be.
Wild-eyed, and practically foaming at the mouth with rage, he said…
“WHICH ONE OF YOU ASSHOLES CLEANED UP MY YARD!”


My favorite neighbor
submitted by hgtv_neighbor to Wholesomenosleep [link] [comments]


2020.09.24 18:54 ANIKAHirsch On girls spying naked men

This original list was created by u/BouncyBoob. View the crosspost thread here: https://www.reddit.com/womenidentity/comments/issge2/crimes_perpetrated_by_transgender_people/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

"usa,,,,KC Resident Sentenced to 20 Years for Child Pornography,https://www.justice.gov/usao-wdmo/pkc-resident-sentenced-20-years-child-pornography,
"usa,,,,Female Prisoner Says She Was Raped by Transgender Inmate,https://news.wttw.com/2020/02/19/lawsuit-female-prisoner-says-she-was-raped-transgender-inmate,https://www.illinoistimes.com/springfield/transgender-inmate-accused-of-rape
"usa,,,,felon no longer deemed threat because of gender change,https://amp.desmoinesregister.com/amp/4479275002,
"uk,,,,Karen White: how 'manipulative' transgender inmate attacked again,https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/oct/11/karen-white-how-manipulative-and-controlling-offender-attacked-again-transgender-prison,
"uk,,,,"Female prison officers have been raped by inmates who self-identify as trans women, ex-Tory minister Rory Stewart claims",https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8211325/Female-prison-officers-raped-inmates-self-identify-trans-women-claim.html,
"usa,,,,"In North Carolina, person who identifies as transgender woman found guilty of raping child",https://cambridge.wickedlocal.com/zz/news/20190513/in-north-carolina-person-who-identifies-as-transgender-woman-found-guilty-of-raping-child,
"usa,,,,Transgender man accused of sexually assaulting woman,https://www.eastidahonews.com/2019/05/transgender-man-accused-of-sexually-assaulting-woman/,
"uk,,,,Police accused of political correctness after issuing an appeal for a sex attacker WITHOUT mentioning suspect was a man wearing womens clothes,https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-8443647/Police-issue-appeal-sex-attacker-without-mentioning-suspect-man-wearing-womans-clothes.html,
"uk,,,toilet,"Transgender woman, 18, sexually assaulted girl, 10, in Morrisons toilet",https://metro.co.uk/2019/03/16/transgender-woman-18-sexually-assaulted-girl-10-morrisons-toilet-8914577/?ito=article.amp.share.top.email,
"usa,,,toilet,Target urged to end transgender bathroom policy after 2nd man caught recording women undressing,https://abc7ny.com/news/man-seen-reaching-under-stall-with-phone-in-nj-target-dressing-room/1508431/,
"usa,,,toilet,Bedford Police Arrest Man Wanted for Allegedly Recording Juvenile Girls in Store,https://bedfordnhpd.org/2016/06/24/bedford-police-arrest-man-wanted-allegedly-recording-juvenile-girls-store/,
"usa,,,toilet,Security Guard Arrested For Removing Man From Women’s Bathroom,https://dailycaller.com/2016/05/19/security-guard-arrested-for-removing-man-from-womens-bathroom/,
"usa,,,toilet,Shopper Upset Man Allowed To Use Women’s Dressing Room In Ross,https://dfw.cbslocal.com/2016/05/17/shopper-upset-man-allowed-to-use-womens-dressing-room-in-ross/,
"usa,,,toilet,Female office worker encounters man urinating in ladies' room and exposing se,https://www.massresistance.org/docs/gen3/16a/bills-in-MA-legislature/tpc/transgender-bill/attleboro-restroom.html,
"usa,,,toilet,Man caught undressing in front of girls at Green Lake locker room,https://mynorthwest.com/188993/man-caught-undressing-in-front-of-girls-at-green-lake-locker-room/,
"usa,,,toilet,"Man Dressed as Woman Arrested for Spying Into Mall Bathroom Stall, Police Say",https://www.nbcwashington.com/news/local/man-dressed-as-woman-arrested-for-spying-into-mall-bathroom-stall-police-say/1979766/,
"usa,,,toilet,Cross-Dressing Man Secretly Taped Women at Macy’s,https://ktla.com/news/da-cross-dressing-man-secretly-videotaped-women-in-macys-bathroom/#ixzz2TKsMicgJ,
"usa,,,toilet,Cross-dressing sex predator sentenced for Clackamas aquatic park crimes,https://www.oregonlive.com/oregon-city/2011/10/cross-dressing_sex_predator_se.html,
"usa,,,toilet,Police: Calif. locker room suspect used disguise,https://abc7news.com/archive/7739509/,
"usa,,,toilet,Police: Man Undresses In Front Of Children In Walmart Restroom,https://www.wsbtv.com/news/police-man-undresses-in-front-of-children-in-walma/241705565/,
"usa,,,toilet,"San Jose sex offender wearing fake breasts, wig arrested for loitering in womens’ restroom",https://www.mercurynews.com/2009/01/26/san-jose-sex-offender-wearing-fake-breasts-wig-arrested-for-loitering-in-womens-restroom/,
"canada,,,shelter,Sexual predator jailed after claiming to be ‘transgender’ to assault women in shelter,https://www.lifesitenews.com/news/sexual-predator-jailed-after-claiming-to-be-transgender-in-order-to-assault,
"canada,,,toilet,University of Toronto Dumps Transgender Bathrooms After Peeping Incidents,https://www.dailywire.com/news/university-toronto-dumps-transgender-bathrooms-pardes-seleh,
"usa,trans man,,,Colorado transgender teen pleads guilty to murder in school revenge case,https://www.reuters.com/article/us-colorado-shooting-plea/colorado-transgender-teen-pleads-guilty-to-murder-in-school-revenge-case-idUSKBN2012QO,
"usa,,nonviolent,,"Capital One hacking suspect, a transgender Seattle woman, is denied request to be moved from men’s prison",https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/capital-one-hacking-suspect-a-transgender-seattle-woman-is-denied-request-to-be-moved-from-mens-prison/,
"canada,,,,Transgender activist under criminal investigation after video showing Jessica Yaniv allegedly punching reporter hits social media,https://www.theblaze.com/news/report-transgender-activist-under-criminal-investigation,
"usa,,,,Convicted Serial Pedophile Being Released After Becoming Transgender Woman,https://www.themix.net/2020/01/transgender-pedophile-transgender-woman-hormones/,https://www.dailywire.com/news/convicted-child-molester-let-out-of-prison-because-theyre-transgender-no-longer-a-threat-government-says
"Thailand,,,,Transgender woman charged with stabbing boyfriend to death,https://www.bangkokpost.com/thailand/general/1933080/transgender-arrested-for-boyfriends-murder,
"usa,,,,"Protester arrested, accused of starting fire in chaotic Friday night protest",https://www.kptv.com/protester-arrested-accused-of-starting-fire-in-chaotic-friday-night-protest/article_3b04cdbc-a784-11ea-a250-93fef29b6740.html,
"Australia,,,,Child molester released after gender change,https://www.couriermail.com.au/truecrimeaustralia/police-courts/sexchange-pedophile-jeffrey-terrence-anderson-released/news-story/215d9284b933a37dad9fad34cec5a6c9,
"canada,,,,Convicted child porn offender pleads guilty to new charges,https://edmontonjournal.com/news/local-news/convicted-child-porn-offender-pleads-guilty-to-new-charges,
"uk,,,,"Transgender woman, 26, who was jailed after dousing her ex-boyfriend in bleach then trying to set him on fire is spared prison over lashing out at police",https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-7268259/Transgender-woman-26-doused-ex-boyfriend-bleach-tried-set-fire-spared-jail.html,
"nz,,,,Dimetrius Pairama murder trial: Accused apologises to victim's family,https://i.stuff.co.nz/national/crime/115844925/dimetrius-pairama-murder-trial-ashley-winter-told-police-the-victim-was-her-best-friend,
"uk,,,,Woman who 'bragged about being a paedophile' approached boys at Remembrance event,https://www.walesonline.co.uk/news/wales-news/leah-harvey-caerphilly-sex-offender-18256962,
"canada,,,,HUNTER: Serial pedophile Madilyn Harks allegedly bolted while on weekend pass,https://torontosun.com/news/local-news/hunter-serial-pedophile-madilyn-harks-allegedly-bolted-while-on-weekend-pass,
"Australia,,,,Citizen arrest of rapist in robbery,https://www.pressreader.com/australia/sunshine-coast-daily/20200506/281612422568290,
"usa,,,,2 teens arrested for murder of mother in Banning Lewis Ranch,https://krdo.com/news/top-stories/2020/05/04/2-teens-arrested-for-murder-of-mother-in-banning-lewis-ranch/,
"usa,,nonviolent,,Person facing felony charges after police called to fight at apartment in Ludlow,https://www.wwlp.com/news/local-news/hampden-county/man-facing-felony-charges-after-police-called-to-fight-at-apartment-in-ludlow/,
"usa,,tra,,Ex-Ars Technica tech reporter Peter Bright convicted of soliciting minors for sex,https://nypost.com/2020/03/19/ex-conde-nast-tech-reporter-peter-bright-convicted-of-soliciting-minors-for-sex/,
"usa,,,,Dartmouth woman sentenced for sexual assault on home-care worker,https://www.thechronicleherald.ca/news/local/dartmouth-woman-sentenced-for-sexual-assault-on-home-care-worker-418323/,
"usa,,,,Man Arrested After Incident In Women's Dressing Room At Montgomery Mall,https://northpennnow.com/man-arrested-after-incident-in-womens-dressing-room-at-montgomery-mall-p1570-119.htm,
"usa,,,,"Ypsilanti man stabbed with samurai sword after failing to buy marijuana for partner, police report says",https://www.mlive.com/news/ann-arbo2020/02/ypsilanti-man-stabbed-with-samurai-sword-after-failing-to-buy-marijuana-for-partner-police-report-says.html,
"Australia,,,,"Man killed in unsolved homicide after $160 drug rip-off, inquest told",https://www.smh.com.au/national/nsw/man-killed-in-unsolved-homicide-after-160-drug-rip-off-inquest-told-20200224-p543q0.html,
"uk,,,,"Blackpool woman admits to having more than 80,000 indecent images of children",https://www.lancs.live/news/lancashire-news/blackpool-woman-admits-having-more-17788403,
"usa,,,,Pharr woman accused of indecency with a child,https://www.krgv.com/news/pharr-woman-accused-of-indecency-with-a-child/,
"usa,,,toilet,Transgender woman told to leave women's locker room,https://www.kiro7.com/news/transgender-woman-told-leave-womens-locker-room/246633184/,
"usa,,,,Christopher Ryan Dobbs was convicted of multiple counts of second degree rape and first degree sexual abuse,https://www.koin.com/news/oregon/transgender-sex-offender-demands-to-move-to-womens-prison-in-lawsuit/,
"usa,,,,Investigation into yacht murder of California couple,https://abcnews.go.com/US/receipt-target-stolen-car-mexico-unsolved-murder-investigation/story?id=68204176,
"uk,,,,Five-year restraining order placed on Dagenham woman who “soiled” friend’s knickers,https://www.barkinganddagenhampost.co.uk/news/crime-court/five-year-restraining-order-placed-on-dagenham-woman-who-soiled-friend-s-knickers-1-2259110,
"usa,,,,Kathrine Nicole Jett pleaded guilty to one count of attempted receipt of child pornography,https://news.bloomberglaw.com/us-law-week/transgender-inmates-name-change-request-improperly-considered,
"usa,,,,Convicted sex offender offers bizarre defense in kiddie porn case,https://nypost.com/2020/01/14/convicted-sex-offender-offers-bizarre-defense-in-kiddie-porn-case/,
"usa,trans man,,,"Transgender man accused in sex crimes, assault on transgender minor",https://www.sunherald.com/news/local/crime/article60310471.html,
"usa,,,,19-Year-Old Accused of Exploiting 2 Children Under 4,https://www.necn.com/news/national-international/19-year-old-accused-of-exploiting-2-children-under-4/250097/,
"Ireland,,,,Man (34) who sexually assaulted child in hospital bathroom is jailed,https://www.irishtimes.com/news/crime-and-law/courts/circuit-court/man-34-who-sexually-assaulted-child-in-hospital-bathroom-is-jailed-1.4068520?mode=amp,
"usa,,,,Convicted sex offender sues over sex change operation,https://journalstar.com/news/local/911/convicted-sex-offender-sues-over-sex-change-operation/article_1b2611b9-8761-53fb-8dc4-72ecbee68d72.html,
"usa,,,,"Convicted rapist re-hospitalized, possibly indefinitely",https://www.smdailyjournal.com/news/local/convicted-rapist-re-hospitalized-possibly-indefinitely/article_7c4e4081-fb1c-5d3f-bff9-76adbfab5ef8.html,
"usa,trans man,,,Transgender man placed on probation for sexual battery of woman,https://www.eastidahonews.com/2019/10/transgender-man-placed-on-probation-for-sexual-battery-of-woman/,
"canada,,,,cross dressing convict returns to Whitehorse,https://www.yukon-news.com/news/high-risk-cross-dressing-convict-returns-to-whitehorse/,
"usa,,,,"Man who portrayed himself as 'cross dresser' arrested for alleged role in sexual assault, state police say",https://www.pennlive.com/midstate/2014/05/cross_dresser_sexual_assault_h.html,
"usa,,,,"Wanted transvestite, sex offender turns self in",https://www.clickorlando.com/news/2012/04/23/deputies-wanted-transvestite-sex-offender-turns-self-in/,
"usa,,,,NYC rapist who exposed himself in Garden City sentenced,https://www.newsday.com/long-island/crime/sex-offender-sentenced-1.18588205,
"Australia,,,,Brutal rapist gets 9 years,https://m.themorningbulletin.com.au/news/judge-jails-man-for-nine-years-over-brutal-rape/291370/,
"usa,,,,Adrian man gets 7 years in federal child porn case,https://www.lenconnect.com/article/20140420/NEWS/140418764,
"uk,,,,Cross-dressing torture killer Colin Coats allowed out of jail to attend mum's funeral - but still won't reveal where he dumped victim's body,https://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/scottish-news/savage-torture-killer-colin-coats-9288436,
"usa,,,,youens vs state,https://www.leagle.com/decision/19871597742sw2d85511472,
"usa,,,,Retired drag queen' pleads guilty to voluntary manslaughter in fatal stabbing,https://www.nwitimes.com/news/local/crime-and-courts/update-retired-drag-queen-pleads-guilty-to-voluntary-manslaughter-in/article_33813188-3208-5c47-b1cf-f7656a2394cf.html#1,
"uk,,,,Sex offender Richard Cullen throttled and battered a young mother to death,https://m.independent.ie/world-news/europe/satanist-murderer-of-woman-gets-life-26026722.html,
"uk,,,,cross-dressing paedo Kenneth Larking in Saughton prison,https://www.thescottishsun.co.uk/news/4182728/peter-tobin-girlfriend-kenneth-larking-saughton-prison-jail/,
"uk,,,,CONVICTED sex offender who murdered a female friend,https://www.scotsman.com/news/evil-murderer-feared-being-exposed-cross-dresser-1718589,
"usa,,,,State vs Lane,https://caselaw.findlaw.com/ks-supreme-court/1468236.html,
"uk,,,,Strood sex change pervert won't be jailed,https://www.kentonline.co.uk/kent/news/strood-sex-change-pervert-wont--a79703/,
"uk,,,,Crossdresser paedophile jailed,https://www.theboltonnews.co.uk/news/4855144.cross-dressing-paedophile-jailed/,
"usa,,,,Man in a dress charged with indecent exposure,https://www.fredericknewspost.com/news/crime_and_justice/cops_and_crime/man-in-a-dress-charged-with-indecent-exposure-near-monocacy/article_2a9291e5-1df8-5c6c-9013-387ed2c70919.html,
"usa,,,,"Naked Peeper Nabbed In San Jose, And He's Apparently Done This Before",https://sfist.com/2019/03/08/naked-peeper-in-san-jose-nabbed-and-hes-apparently-done-this-before/,
"usa,,,,Convicted of slaying boyfriend,https://southphillyreview.com/2012/05/03/convicted-of-slaying-boyfriend/,
"usa,,,,Cops Arrest Wig and Denim Cutoff-Wearing Suspect In Miller Park Incidents,https://spdblotter.seattle.gov/2016/02/29/detectives-seek-leads-on-wig-and-denim-cutoff-wearing-suspect-in-miller-park/,
"usa,,,,Pensacola man facing home invasion and sexual offense charges,http://weartv.com/news/local/pensacola-man-facing-home-invasion-and-sexual-offense-charges,
"usa,,,toilet,Man accused of attacking girl in Oklahoma City convenience store restroom,https://oklahoman.com/article/3883587/man-accused-of-attacking-girl-in-oklahoma-city-convenience-store-restroom,
"usa,,,toilet,Arlington man trying on women’s underwear arrested for indecent exposure,https://www.insidenova.com/headlines/arlington-man-trying-on-women-s-underwear-arrested-for-indecent/article_d6c57afa-6d21-11e5-91e0-afa5d23d8b67.html,
"usa,,,toilet,Cross-dressing man arrested for exposure at Walmart,https://www.ajc.com/news/local/cross-dressing-man-arrested-for-exposure-walmart/b0Ikm8U25R0oDFkN2LW66O/,
"uk,,,,Child rapist moves in with unsuspecting mum and boy – after becoming a woman,https://www.dailystar.co.uk/news/latest-news/child-rapist-changes-sex-before-17152814,
"usa,,,,Rapist wants Oklahoma Corrections Department to pay for female hormones,https://oklahoman.com/article/3755617/rapist-wants-oklahoma-corrections-department-to-pay-for-female-hormones,
"usa,,,,Man sentenced to life without parole for raping children,https://www.mariettatimes.com/news/local-news/2019/04/man-sentenced-to-life-without-parole-for-raping-children/,
"usa,,,,Former babysitter convicted in Harrisburg child-sex case,https://www.pennlive.com/midstate/2014/04/transsexual_convicted_in_harri.html,
"usa,,,,Transgender sex offenders pose dilemma in state civil confinement,https://www.timesunion.com/news/article/Transgendered-sex-offenders-pose-dilemma-12360403.php,
"usa,,,,Man rapist wants to transition in prison ,https://law.justia.com/cases/massachusetts/supreme-court/volumes/392/392mass28.html,"
submitted by ANIKAHirsch to IAMALiberalFeminist [link] [comments]


2020.09.22 23:35 demonicLeir1222 Girls spying on naked men

SCPs
001 to 099
SCP-001 - Awaiting De-classification [Blocked] SCP-002 - The "Living" Room SCP-003 - Biological Motherboard SCP-004 - The 12 Rusty Keys and the Door SCP-005 - Skeleton Key SCP-006 - Fountain of Youth SCP-007 - Abdominal Planet SCP-008 - Zombie Plague SCP-009 - Red Ice SCP-010 - Collars of Control SCP-011 - Sentient Civil War Memorial Statue SCP-012 - A Bad Composition SCP-013 - Blue Lady Cigarettes SCP-014 - The Concrete Man SCP-015 - Pipe Nightmare SCP-016 - Sentient Micro-Organism SCP-017 - Shadow Person SCP-018 - Super Ball SCP-019 - The Monster Pot SCP-020 - Unseen Mold SCP-021 - Skin Wyrm SCP-022 - The Morgue SCP-023 - Black Shuck SCP-024 - Game Show of Death SCP-025 - A Well-Worn Wardrobe SCP-026 - Afterschool Retention SCP-027 - The Vermin God SCP-028 - Knowledge SCP-029 - Daughter of Shadows SCP-030 - The Homunculus SCP-031 - What is Love? SCP-032 - Brothers' Bride SCP-033 - The Missing Number SCP-034 - Obsidian Ritual Knife SCP-035 - Possessive Mask SCP-036 - The Reincarnation Pilgrimage of the Yazidi (Kiras Guhorîn) SCP-037 - Dwarf Star SCP-038 - The Everything Tree SCP-039 - Proboscis Engineers SCP-040 - Evolution's Child SCP-041 - Thought-Broadcasting Patient SCP-042 - A Formerly Winged Horse SCP-043 - The Beatle SCP-044 - World War II Era Molecular-Fission Cannon SCP-045 - Atmospheric Converter SCP-046 - "Predatory" Holly Bush SCP-047 - Microbial Mutagen SCP-048 - The Cursed SCP Number SCP-049 - Plague Doctor SCP-050 - To The Cleverest SCP-051 - Japanese Obstetrical Model SCP-052 - Time-Traveling Train SCP-053 - Young Girl SCP-054 - Water Nymph SCP-055 - [unknown] SCP-056 - A Beautiful Person SCP-057 - The Daily Grind SCP-058 - Heart of Darkness SCP-059 - Radioactive Mineral SCP-060 - Infernal Occult Skeleton SCP-061 - Auditory Mind Control SCP-062 - "Quantum" Computer SCP-063 - "The World's Best TothBrush" SCP-064 - Flawed von Neumann Structure SCP-065 - Destroyed Organic Catalyst SCP-066 - Eric's Toy SCP-067 - The Artist's Pen SCP-068 - The Wire Figure SCP-069 - Second Chance SCP-070 - Iron Wings SCP-071 - Degenerative Metamorphic Entity SCP-072 - The Foot of the Bed SCP-073 - "Cain" SCP-074 - Quantum Woodlouse SCP-075 - Corrosive Snail SCP-076 - "Able" SCP-077 - Rot Skull SCP-078 - Guilt SCP-079 - Old AI SCP-080 - Dark Form SCP-081 - Spontaneous Combustion Virus SCP-082 - "Fernand" the Cannibal SCP-083 - An Abandoned Row Home SCP-084 - Static Tower SCP-085 - Hand-drawn ''Cassy'' SCP-086 - The Office of Dr. [REDACTED] SCP-087 - The Stairwell SCP-088 - The Lizard King SCP-089 - Tophet SCP-090 - Apocorubik's Cube SCP-091 - Nostalgia SCP-092 - "The Best of The 5th Dimension" SCP-093 - Red Sea Object SCP-094 - Miniature Event Horizon SCP-095 - The Atomic Adventures of Ronnie Ray-Gun SCP-096 - The "Shy Guy" SCP-097 - Old Fairgrounds SCP-098 - Surgeon Crabs SCP-099 - The Portrait 100 to 199
SCP-100 - "Jamaican Joe's Junkyard Jubilee" SCP-101 - Hungry Bag SCP-102 - Property of Marshall, Carter, and Dark Ltd. SCP-103 - The Never-Hungry Man SCP-104 - The Lonely Ball SCP-105 - "Iris" SCP-106 - The Old Man SCP-107 - The Turtle Shell SCP-108 - Extradimensional Nasal Cavity SCP-109 - Infinite Canteen SCP-110 - Subterranean City SCP-111 - Dragon-Snails™ SCP-112 - The Variable Coaster SCP-113 - The Gender-Switcher SCP-114 - Bringer of Conflict SCP-115 - Miniature Dump Truck SCP-116 - The Brittle Boy SCP-117 - Complete Multitool SCP-118 - Nuclear Protists SCP-119 - Timecrowave SCP-120 - Teleporting Paddling Pool SCP-121 - Concrete Cradle SCP-122 - No More Monsters SCP-123 - Contained Miniature Black Hole SCP-124 - Fertile Soil SCP-125 - Contagious Reflection SCP-126 - Invisible Friend SCP-127 - The Living Gun SCP-128 - Kinetic Energy Entity SCP-129 - Progressive Fungal Infection SCP-130 - Post Office SCP-131 - The "Eye Pods" SCP-132 - Broken Desert SCP-133 - Instant Hole SCP-134 - Star-Eyed Child SCP-135 - Universal Carcinogen SCP-136 - Naked Doll SCP-137 - The Real Toy SCP-138 - The Ever-Living Man SCP-139 - All Eyes on Lucian 👁 SCP-140 - An Incomplete Chronicle SCP-141 - Codex Damnatio SCP-142 - One-Armed Bandit SCP-143 - The Bladewood Grove SCP-144 - Tibetan Rope to Heaven SCP-145 - Man-Absorbing Phone SCP-146 - Bronze Head of Shame SCP-147 - Anachronistic Television SCP-148 - The "Telekill" Alloy SCP-149 - The Blood Flies SCP-150 - Ship of Theseus SCP-151 - The Painting SCP-152 - Book of Endings SCP-153 - Drain Worms SCP-154 - Offensive Bracelets SCP-155 - Infinite Speed Computer SCP-156 - Reanimating Pomegranate SCP-157 - Mimetic Predator SCP-158 - Soul Extractor SCP-159 - The Perfect Lock SCP-160 - Predator Drone SCP-161 - Pinwheel of Doom! SCP-162 - Ball of Sharp SCP-163 - An Old Castaway SCP-164 - Squid Tumors SCP-165 - The Creeping, Hungry Sands of Tule SCP-166 - Teenage Succubus SCP-167 - Infinite Labyrinth SCP-168 - Sentient Calculator SCP-169 - The Leviathan SCP-170 - A Tube of Superglue SCP-171 - Collective Brain Foam SCP-172 - The Gearman SCP-173 - The Sculpture - The Original SCP-174 - Ventriloquist's Dummy SCP-175 - Treasure Map SCP-176 - Observable Time Loop SCP-177 - Checkmate SCP-178 - "3-D" Specs SCP-179 - Sauelsuesor SCP-180 - Identity Thieving Hat SCP-181 - "Lucky" SCP-182 - "Rider" SCP-183 - "Weaver" SCP-184 - The Architect SCP-185 - The Radio SCP-186 - To End All Wars SCP-187 - Double Vision SCP-188 - The Craftsman SCP-189 - Hair-Imitating Parasite SCP-190 - A Prize Toybox SCP-191 - Cyborg Child SCP-192 - Flawless X-Ray Machine SCP-193 - The Tissue Snail SCP-194 - Thank You For Your Cooperation SCP-195 - A "Medicinal Whiskey" SCP-196 - Time Paradox SCP-197 - The Greenhouse SCP-198 - Cup of Joe SCP-199 - Spy Ferns 200 to 299
SCP-200 - Chrysalis SCP-201 - The Empty World SCP-202 - The Rewind Man SCP-203 - Tortured Iron Soul SCP-204 - The Protector SCP-205 - Shadow Lamps SCP-206 - The Voyager SCP-207 - Cola Bottles SCP-208 - "Bes" SCP-209 - The Sadist's Tumbler SCP-210 - Flooded House SCP-211 - Paper-Covered Building SCP-212 - The Improver SCP-213 - Anti-Matter Parasite SCP-214 - Hemotopian Virus SCP-215 - Paranoia-Inducing Spectacles SCP-216 - The Safe SCP-217 - The Clockwork Virus SCP-218 - Lamprey-Mass Organism SCP-219 - Resonance Engine SCP-220 - Two's Company SCP-221 - Compulsion Tweezers SCP-222 - Clone Coffin SCP-223 - A Photo Album SCP-224 - Grandfather Clock SCP-225 - Unstoppable and Immovable SCP-226 - Puzzle Of Terror SCP-227 - Complete Antikythera Mechanism SCP-228 - Psychiatric Diagnostic Tool SCP-229 - Wire Weed SCP-230 - The Gayest Man Alive SCP-231 - Special Personnel Requirements SCP-232 - Jack Proton's Atomic Zapper SCP-233 - 23-Sided Polyhedron SCP-234 - Extradimensional Fish SCP-235 - Phonographic Records SCP-236 - Mimic "Crabs" SCP-237 - Self-Made Man SCP-238 - Building Complex SCP-239 - The Witch Child SCP-240 - Breath-Powered Flying Machine SCP-241 - Good Home Cooking SCP-242 - Self "Cleaning" Pool SCP-243 - Animation SCP-244 - Ice Fog Jar SCP-245 - SCP-RPG SCP-246 - Prophetic Projector SCP-247 - A Harmless Kitten SCP-248 - 110% SCP-249 - The Random Door SCP-250 - Most of an Allosaurus SCP-251 - The Deceptive Snow Globe SCP-252 - Humboldt Squid SCP-253 - The Cancer Plague SCP-254 - Employee of the Month SCP-255 - Base Eleven Disorder SCP-256 - Trapped in the Typewriter SCP-257 - Professor William Woodsworth’s Collection of Curiosities SCP-258 - Weeping Frog SCP-259 - The Weisenglass Spiral SCP-260 - The Tracking Stone SCP-261 - Pan-Dimensional Vending SCP-262 - A Coat of Many Arms SCP-263 - "Cash or Ash" SCP-264 - Skeleton Temple SCP-265 - Black Volga SCP-266 - Will o' the Wisp SCP-267 - Tumorvore SCP-268 - Cap of Neglect SCP-269 - Dialysis Bracelet SCP-270 - Secluded Telephone SCP-271 - Inscribed Disc SCP-272 - An Old Iron Nail SCP-273 - Human Phoenix SCP-274 - Graffito SCP-275 - Ironskin SCP-276 - Time Schooner SCP-277 - Chalkland SCP-278 - A Large Mechanical Spider SCP-279 - Meandering Man SCP-280 - Eyes in the Dark SCP-281 - The Snooze Alarm SCP-282 - Ritual Devil Sticks SCP-283 - A Rock That Falls Sideways SCP-284 - The Twins SCP-285 - A Hack Job SCP-286 - The Brothers' Game SCP-287 - Clark's Third Favorite Sword SCP-288 - The "Stepford Marriage" Rings SCP-289 - Inertial Amplifier SCP-290 - The Picasso Machine SCP-291 - DisassembleReassembler SCP-292 - Egg Timer of Déjà Vu SCP-293 - Obsession SCP-294 - The Coffee Machine SCP-295 - Cauterpillers SCP-296 - Armed Containment Site-03 SCP-297 - "Steely Dan" SCP-298 - The Blood Organ SCP-299 - Infectious Tree 300 to 399
SCP-300 - "A World in a Bottle" SCP-301 - Teleporter SCP-302 - Ant Sculpture SCP-303 - The Doorman SCP-304 - The Signal SCP-305 - The Whisperer SCP-306 - The Frogs SCP-307 - Carnivorous Ivy SCP-308 - Aztec Burial Sarcophagus SCP-309 - Plush Toy SCP-310 - Eternal Flame SCP-311 - Tactile Displacement Gloves SCP-312 - Atmospheric Jellyfish SCP-313 - Powerful Hand Dryer SCP-314 - Motion-Seeking Blade SCP-315 - The Recorded Man SCP-316 - Color-Draining Light SCP-317 - Cretaceous Physicist SCP-318 - Soul Press SCP-319 - A Curious Device SCP-320 - Higgs Field Acceleration Manipulator SCP-321 - Child of Man SCP-322 - "Grow Your Own Castle" Kit SCP-323 - Wendigo Skull SCP-324 - Eulogy Shrub SCP-325 - The Detergent SCP-326 - A Chinese Peasant SCP-327 - The Mermaid SCP-328 - Alien Disc SCP-329 - The Cancer Garden SCP-330 - Take Only Two SCP-331 - "Tumbles" SCP-332 - The 1976 Kirk Lonwood High School Marching Band SCP-333 - City in a Symphony SCP-334 - Stellar Vulpine SCP-335 - One Hundred and Fifty 3.5" Floppy Disks SCP-336 - "Lilith" SCP-337 - Hairball SCP-338 - A Portable Radio SCP-339 - Be Silent, Be Still SCP-340 - Viral Rebreather Membrane SCP-341 - A Collection of Extra-Solar Orreries SCP-342 - A Ticket to Ride SCP-343 - "God" SCP-344 - Schrödinger's Can Opener SCP-345 - Stone Puzzle Cube SCP-346 - "Pterry" the Pterodactyl SCP-347 - The Invisible Woman SCP-348 - A Gift from Dad SCP-349 - The Philosopher's Stone and the Graveyard of the Immortals SCP-350 - Unbreakable Contract SCP-351 - Read-Only Memory SCP-352 - "Baba Yaga" SCP-353 - "Vector" SCP-354 - The Red Pool SCP-355 - The Serrated Lawn SCP-356 - Autointerrogation SCP-357 - Hungry Clay SCP-358 - A "Deserted" Hospital SCP-359 - The Hawk SCP-360 - Ascendance SCP-361 - Bronze Liver SCP-362 - A Cool T-Shirt SCP-363 - Not Centipedes SCP-364 - Ionian Drop Point SCP-365 - Pool Noodle SCP-366 - Carriage Grubs SCP-367 - Little Dog SCP-368 - Paper Crane SCP-369 - Living Migratory Roadwork SCP-370 - A Key SCP-371 - Macrovirus SCP-372 - Peripheral Jumper SCP-373 - Ghost Record SCP-374 - Oracular Guillotine SCP-375 - Forever A-Loan SCP-376 - The Traffic Light Tree SCP-377 - Accurate Fortune Cookies SCP-378 - Brainworm SCP-379 - Mechanical Pheromone SCP-380 - Biological Networking Device SCP-381 - The Pyrotechnic Polyphony SCP-382 - Haunted Baby Carriage SCP-383 - Variably Useful Flu SCP-384 - Let Her In SCP-385 - Personal Anti-Gravity Field Generator SCP-386 - Eternal Fungus SCP-387 - Living Lego SCP-388 - Ultimate Frisbee SCP-389 - Message in a Bottle SCP-390 - Ancient Death Ray SCP-391 - The Midas Owl SCP-392 - A Plant Now Found in Site-103, and Formerly Found in the Households of Nobility SCP-393 - The Memory Planner SCP-394 - Ear Candles SCP-395 - The Bottle Baby SCP-396 - And Suddenly, Chair SCP-397 - A Hominidae SCP-398 - The Greeting Hall SCP-399 - Atomic Manipulation Ring 400 to 499
SCP-400 - Beautiful Babies SCP-401 - A Palm Tree SCP-402 - Obsidian Absorber SCP-403 - Escalating Lighter SCP-404 - Memories Lost, Memories Found SCP-405 - Telepathy Virus SCP-406 - Sleepwalker's Tunnel SCP-407 - The Song of Genesis SCP-408 - Illusory Butterflies SCP-409 - Contagious Crystal SCP-410 - Editor Beetles SCP-411 - Ancient Precog SCP-412 - Mutagenic Mirror SCP-413 - Endless Garage SCP-414 - Regardless, I Might Prefer Myself Sick SCP-415 - The Harvested Man SCP-416 - Infinite Forest SCP-417 - The Plague Tree SCP-418 - Human Jigsaw SCP-419 - Window to the World SCP-420 - Aggressive Skin Condition SCP-421 - Shoal of Driftwood SCP-422 - Patchwork Beast SCP-423 - Self-Inserting Character SCP-424 - Nanomimes SCP-425 - The Infinity Broadcast SCP-426 - I am a Toaster SCP-427 - Lovecraftian Locket SCP-428 - The Crowd SCP-429 - Clockwork Teleporter SCP-430 - A Peasant's Punishment SCP-431 - Dr. Gideon SCP-432 - Cabinet Maze SCP-433 - A Ritual SCP-434 - A Meeting with Myself SCP-435 - “He-Who-Made-Dark” SCP-436 - Error Locket SCP-437 - Summer of '91 SCP-438 - Addictive Straitjacket of Espionage SCP-439 - Bone Hive SCP-440 - Sand-Based Ecology SCP-441 - Jacob Ram SCP-442 - On-Time Piece SCP-443 - Thought-streaming Crayons SCP-444 - The Language of Global Harmony SCP-445 - "Dr. Wondertainment's Super Paper" SCP-446 - Human Mannequin SCP-447 - Ball of Green Slime SCP-448 - Jack-in-the-Box SCP-449 - Gut Dust SCP-450 - Abandoned Federal Penitentiary SCP-451 - Mister Lonely SCP-452 - Dreamcatcher Spider SCP-453 - Scripted Nightclub SCP-454 - Comic Book SCP-455 - Cargo Ship SCP-456 - Soporific Bedbugs SCP-457 - Burning Man SCP-458 - The Never-Ending Pizza Box SCP-459 - Interplanetary Thermostat SCP-460 - Séance Storm SCP-461 - ZICU-TV SCP-462 - The Getaway Car SCP-463 - A Spoon That Bends People SCP-464 - The Foundry SCP-465 - Party in a Box SCP-466 - Mobile Veins SCP-467 - Confessional Phone Booth SCP-468 - The Abacus SCP-469 - Many-Winged Angel SCP-470 - Nexus of Abandoned Places SCP-471 - A Satellite SCP-472 - The Bloodstone SCP-473 - Supai SCP-474 - ℞FM SCP-475 - Soap of a Pope SCP-476 - Map to Nowhere SCP-477 - Fossil Sea SCP-478 - Tooth Fairies SCP-479 - Hallway 4, D-Class Dorms, Site 14 SCP-480 - Recurring Nightmare Field SCP-481 - Scar Tissue SCP-482 - Mentally Mutating Straitjacket SCP-483 - Anti-Aging Placebos SCP-484 - Memory Stealing Drug SCP-485 - Death Pen SCP-486 - Coatlicue Skin SCP-487 - The Impossible House SCP-488 - Meteor Attractor SCP-489 - 1-555-BUG-BASH SCP-490 - Ice Cream Truck SCP-491 - Wrecking Light SCP-492 - Animated Cloth Dummy SCP-493 - Replicant SCP-494 - Matter Transference Gloves SCP-495 - Thingmaker SCP-496 - A Sunken Relic SCP-497 - The Shell SCP-498 - 11 Minute Snooze SCP-499 - Old Sun Man 500 to 599
SCP-500 - Panacea SCP-501 - Monk's Greed SCP-502 - The Surrogate Heart SCP-503 - The Luckiest Man in the World SCP-504 - Critical Tomatoes SCP-505 - Ink Stain SCP-506 - Instant-growing Plants SCP-507 - Reluctant Dimension Hopper SCP-508 - Random-dot Stereogram SCP-509 - Men Are Pigs SCP-510 - Soft Death SCP-511 - Basement Cat SCP-512 - Gravity-Nullifying Umbrella SCP-513 - A Cowbell SCP-514 - A Flock of Doves SCP-515 - Sleeper SCP-516 - Intelligent Tank SCP-517 - Grammie Knows SCP-518 - The Transinformational Tomb of Asa Rutledge SCP-519 - Cheeky Phone Booth SCP-520 - Knife Switch SCP-521 - The Postbox SCP-522 - Blood-draining Carpet SCP-523 - The Most Unhelpful Object On Earth SCP-524 - Walter the Omnivorous Rabbit SCP-525 - Eye Spiders SCP-526 - Valhalla Gate SCP-527 - Mr. Fish SCP-528 - Voodoo Putty SCP-529 - Josie the Half-Cat SCP-530 - Carl the Variable Dog SCP-531 - Paired Brass Guard Cats SCP-532 - Frost Bug SCP-533 - Snake Necklace SCP-534 - Misplaced Blood SCP-535 - Communicative Beaker SCP-536 - Physical Law Testing Chamber SCP-537 - Singing Gramophone SCP-538 - Shadow Spiders SCP-539 - The Perfect Distraction SCP-540 - Tannenbombs SCP-541 - Living Thoracic System SCP-542 - Herr Chirurg SCP-543 - Noise SCP-544 - The New Voice SCP-545 - Liquid Life/Totenkinder SCP-546 - A Notebook SCP-547 - The Cartesian Business Card SCP-548 - Ice Spider SCP-549 - Ursa Minor SCP-550 - The Ghûl SCP-551 - Impossible Puzzle SCP-552 - Ahead of His Time SCP-553 - Crystalline Butterflies SCP-554 - The Perfect Murder SCP-555 - Corpse Magnet SCP-556 - Painted Aircraft SCP-557 - Ancient Containment Site SCP-558 - Strange Contact Lenses SCP-559 - Birthday Time! SCP-560 - Bitwise Amoeba SCP-561 - A Passive Rip in Time SCP-562 - Revel Rousers SCP-563 - An Abandoned Farm in China SCP-564 - Incomplete Primitive Cyborg SCP-565 - Ed's Head SCP-566 - Word a Day SCP-567 - The Dungeon SCP-568 - Dismemberment Strap SCP-569 - Heads SCP-570 - Puppet Show Gloves!!! SCP-571 - Self-Propagating Infectious Pattern SCP-572 - Katana of Apparent Invincibility SCP-573 - The Pied Pipe SCP-574 - The Dropera House SCP-575 - Predatory Darkness SCP-576 - Sleep Well SCP-577 - All Alone in the Moonlight SCP-578 - Blood Opals SCP-579 - [DATA EXPUNGED] SCP-580 - Shi Huang Ti's Five Heaven Chariot SCP-581 - The Equestrian's Soul SCP-582 - A Bundle of Stories SCP-583 - Deathly Video Tape SCP-584 - Many Fingers, Many Toes SCP-585 - Sharpeners SCP-586 - Inscribable Object SCP-587 - A Model System SCP-588 - A Voracious Coin SCP-589 - The Price of Obsession SCP-590 - He Feels Your Pain SCP-591 - Dr. Wondertainment Pretendo SCP-592 - Inaccurate History Book SCP-593 - Contagious Innumeracy SCP-594 - Electric Sheep SCP-595 - Teleporting Destroyer SCP-596 - Cursed Regeneration Statue SCP-597 - The Mother of Them All SCP-598 - Sentient Color SCP-599 - Uncharted City 600 to 699
SCP-600 - "That Guy" SCP-601 - Sophocles' Chorus SCP-602 - The Sculptor of SoHo SCP-603 - Self-Replicating Computer Program SCP-604 - The Cannibal's Banquet; A Corrupted Ritual SCP-605 - Living Storm Cloud SCP-606 - "The Teacher" SCP-607 - Dorian the Grey Cat SCP-608 - Fractal Tinsel SCP-609 - Dr. Wondertainment's Ontological 6-Balls® SCP-610 - The Flesh that Hates SCP-611 - Parasitic Toothpick SCP-612 - Aggressive Cable SCP-613 - "Wonder Bread!" SCP-614 - IP Address 57.32.███.███ SCP-615 - Stick Blob SCP-616 - The Vessel and the Gate SCP-617 - Pet Rocks SCP-618 - Spider on The Wall SCP-619 - Lucky Jeans SCP-620 - Time Keeps on Slipping SCP-621 - Hypnobulbs SCP-622 - Desert in a Can SCP-623 - One Groovy Room SCP-624 - "Personal" Music Player SCP-625 - Anklebiters SCP-626 - Vision-Altering Sculpture SCP-627 - Perpetual Circle SCP-628 - Flute Copse SCP-629 - Mr. Brass SCP-630 - Black Glacier SCP-631 - Nyctophobic Nocturnal Predator SCP-632 - Intrusive Arachnid Thoughts SCP-633 - Ghost In The Machine SCP-634 - Forgetful Goldfish SCP-635 - Medieval Bootstrap Program SCP-636 - Elevator to Nowhere SCP-637 - Viral Cat SCP-638 - Where in the World is Richard Chappell? SCP-639 - Distorted Man SCP-640 - Lucent Beams SCP-641 - The Pacifier SCP-642 - Hot Springs SCP-643 - Delicious Chocolates SCP-644 - Mr. Hot SCP-645 - Mouth of Truth SCP-646 - Birth Worm SCP-647 - Hungry Box SCP-648 - The Labyrinth SCP-649 - Matchbox Full of Winter SCP-650 - Startling Statue SCP-651 - Tissue-fusing virus SCP-652 - Meteorological Dog SCP-653 - The Boomerang SCP-654 - Thunderhorn SCP-655 - Biological Disinformation Campaign SCP-656 - Home Edition SCP-657 - Death-predicting Man SCP-658 - "Botflies" SCP-659 - Communal Avian Intelligence SCP-660 - Earthen Womb SCP-661 - Salesman, Too Good to Be True SCP-662 - Butler's Hand Bell SCP-663 - Living Water Filter SCP-664 - The Floor to Nowhere SCP-665 - The Garbage Man SCP-666 - Spirit Lodge SCP-667 - Fairy Kudzu SCP-668 - 13" Chef's Knife SCP-669 - A Didactic Perspective SCP-670 - Family of Cotton SCP-671 - Deconstructing Ants SCP-672 - Rock Coral SCP-673 - Tissues SCP-674 - The Exposition Gun SCP-675 - Shadows Through the Window SCP-676 - Unnatural Hot Spring SCP-677 - Unpredictable Pogo Stick SCP-678 - Trauma Harvester SCP-679 - Eyerot SCP-680 - Clockwork Skull SCP-681 - Hostile Helium SCP-682 - Hard-to-Destroy Reptile SCP-683 - Refrigerator Art SCP-684 - The Caretaken SCP-685 - Non-Bottomless Pit SCP-686 - Infectious Lactation SCP-687 - NOIR SCP-688 - Hole Dwellers SCP-689 - Haunter in the Dark SCP-690 - Joke Bandages SCP-691 - A Coward's Way Out SCP-692 - Revives the Colours SCP-693 - Knotty Stalker SCP-694 - The Definition of Insanity SCP-695 - Eels SCP-696 - Abyssal Typewriter SCP-697 - Toxic Terraforming SCP-698 - Judgmental Turtle SCP-699 - Mystery Box 700 to 799
SCP-700 - Graffiti Factory SCP-701 - The Hanged King's Tragedy SCP-702 - The Trader's Residence SCP-703 - Into The Closet SCP-704 - Dangerous Curves SCP-705 - Militaristic Play-Doh SCP-706 - Perfect Porcelain Doll SCP-707 - Nesting Dolls SCP-708 - The Big Orange Forklift SCP-709 - Eye of the Forest SCP-710 - Disappearance SCP-711 - Paradoxical Insurance Policy SCP-712 - The Impossible Colors SCP-713 - Click Anywhere Computer SCP-714 - The Jaded Ring SCP-715 - My Face That I May Be SCP-716 - The Train SCP-717 - The Ambassador SCP-718 - Eyeball SCP-719 - Light-Bringer SCP-720 - Panopticon SCP-721 - Factory Toys SCP-722 - Jörmungandr SCP-723 - Aging Staircase SCP-724 - Procyon stentor SCP-725 - Parrot Whale SCP-726 - Reconstructive Maggots SCP-727 - Hephaestus's Forge SCP-728 - The Forever Room SCP-729 - Marble Bath SCP-730 - Decerebrating Plague SCP-731 - Rathole Cover SCP-732 - The Fan-Fic Plague SCP-733 - A Pair of Scissors SCP-734 - The Baby SCP-735 - Insult Box SCP-736 - The Iapetus Anomaly SCP-737 - Hungry Train SCP-738 - The Devil's Deal SCP-739 - A Mirrored Booth SCP-740 - The Hindenburg Photograph SCP-741 - Mysterious Russian Submarine SCP-742 - Retrovirus SCP-743 - A Chocolate Fountain SCP-744 - Assembly Required SCP-745 - The Headlights SCP-746 - Pseudo-Avian SCP-747 - Children and Dolls SCP-748 - Industrial Dissolution SCP-749 - Rain Drops SCP-750 - A Different Outlook on Life SCP-751 - Organ Eater SCP-752 - Altruistic Utopia SCP-753 - Automatic Artist SCP-754 - Illustrated Climbing Vine SCP-755 - "Watch for the white bird" SCP-756 - Miniature Solar System SCP-757 - The Fruit Tree SCP-758 - Spell Check - "Vasili" SCP-759 - Sourdough Starter SCP-760 - The Groomers SCP-761 - Slightly Less Dangerous Trampoline SCP-762 - Immortal Iron Maiden SCP-763 - Human Beowulf Cluster SCP-764 - The Obscene Show SCP-765 - Duck Pond SCP-766 - Human-Shaped Anomaly in Space SCP-767 - Crime Scene Photographs SCP-768 - Long-Range Alarm Clock SCP-769 - Ancient Encyclopedia SCP-770 - Nuclear Slime SCP-771 - Self-Repairing Biological AI SCP-772 - Giant Parasitoid Wasps SCP-773 - Voodoo Dartboard SCP-774 - Whistlebones SCP-775 - Hungry Ticks SCP-776 - The Youth Cult SCP-777 - Kingdom of Sand SCP-778 - Paradise Falls SCP-779 - Brownies SCP-780 - Seed Bead SCP-781 - Unwitting Dreamshaper SCP-782 - All-New You SCP-783 - There Was A Crooked Man SCP-784 - Christmas Cheer SCP-785 - A Chain Restaurant SCP-786 - Funnel Factor Twelve SCP-787 - The Plane That Never Was SCP-788 - Magma Carp SCP-789 - Internet Predator SCP-790 - Blood? SCP-791 - Water Orb SCP-792 - The Body Farm SCP-793 - The Ghost Sickness SCP-794 - Desert Shipwreck SCP-795 - Reality-Bending Cat SCP-796 - River Cat SCP-797 - Curious Poltergeist SCP-798 - Cortex Rat SCP-799 - Carnivorous Blanket 800 to 899
SCP-800 - An Eastern History SCP-801 - Seven Furs SCP-802 - Musical Tank SCP-803 - Predatory Parasols SCP-804 - World Without Man SCP-805 - Poison Wood Foal SCP-806 - Resurrection Projection SCP-807 - Heart Attack on a Plate SCP-808 - The Mechanical Choir SCP-809 - Combat Boots SCP-810 - The Never-want Lamp SCP-811 - Swamp Woman SCP-812 - A Big Box of River SCP-813 - Glass Shard SCP-814 - Pure Tones SCP-815 - Snake Nut Can SCP-816 - Darwin's Erector Set SCP-817 - Random Metamorphism SCP-818 - An Abandoned Project SCP-819 - Vital Suckers SCP-820 - Las Langostas Pintadas SCP-821 - Dixie Funland SCP-822 - Landmine Cacti SCP-823 - Carnival of Horrors SCP-824 - Active Weed Control SCP-825 - Helmet of Disturbing Visions SCP-826 - Draws You into the Book SCP-827 - The Soup SCP-828 - ᖃᓪᓗᐱᓪᓗᐃᑦ SCP-829 - Bloodthirsty Nail Polish SCP-830 - Inky Quicksand SCP-831 - Tinkerbug SCP-832 - Accountant's Coin SCP-833 - Charity Worms SCP-834 - Marked SCP-835 - Expunged Data Released SCP-836 - Structural Cancer SCP-837 - Multiplying Clay SCP-838 - The Dream Job SCP-839 - Candied Worms SCP-840 - Drain Feeder SCP-841 - Reverse Mirror Voodoo Doll Stick Puppet SCP-842 - Operations Table SCP-843 - "Cow Seeds" SCP-844 - Crybaby SCP-845 - Liquid Polecat SCP-846 - Robo-Dude SCP-847 - The Mannequin SCP-848 - Interdimensional Spider Web SCP-849 - A Perfect Day SCP-850 - School of Fish SCP-851 - Lullabugs SCP-852 - Lunar Anomaly SCP-853 - Weather Preserves SCP-854 - Dream Bridge SCP-855 - The Film Hall SCP-856 - Leopotamus SCP-857 - Human-Based Ecosystem SCP-858 - Gravity's Rainbow SCP-859 - Arachnophobic Orb SCP-860 - Blue Key SCP-861 - A Fallen Angel SCP-862 - Rats SCP-863 - Patchwork Crabs SCP-864 - Efficient Washbasin SCP-865 - The Gentleman's Lash SCP-866 - Supercomputer SCP-867 - Blood Spruce SCP-868 - Mnemonic Meme SCP-869 - Summer of '48 SCP-870 - The Maybe There Monsters SCP-871 - Self-Replacing Cake SCP-872 - The Tattered Farmer SCP-873 - Russian Crystal Ball SCP-874 - Abyssal Fluid SCP-875 - War Criminals SCP-876 - Element-Switching Pills SCP-877 - University Microchips SCP-878 - The Actor SCP-879 - Colonial Cetacean SCP-880 - Trapped Winter SCP-881 - Little People SCP-882 - A Machine SCP-883 - Extradimensional Beehive SCP-884 - A Shaving Mirror SCP-885 - Living Vacuum SCP-886 - Nanny SCP-887 - Hypergraphia SCP-888 - Memory Stones SCP-889 - Hybridization SCP-890 - The Rocket Surgeon SCP-891 - California Field SCP-892 - Everyone's Spreadsheet SCP-893 - Asexual SCP-894 - Speak No, Hear No, See No SCP-895 - Camera Disruption SCP-896 - Online Role Playing Game SCP-897 - Voodoo Organ Transplant SCP-898 - Memetic Counter-Agent SCP-899 - Lost Children 900 to 999
SCP-900 - City of the Sun SCP-901 - The Building on the Square SCP-902 - The Final Countdown SCP-903 - Tunnel of Infinite Possibility SCP-904 - A Short Poem SCP-905 - Mr. Chameleon SCP-906 - Scouring Hive SCP-907 - An Exploratory Vehicle SCP-908 - Colocated Rock SCP-909 - Mr. Forgetful SCP-910 - Dust, Embodied SCP-911 - Egyptian Book of the Dead SCP-912 - Autonomous SWAT Armor SCP-913 - Mr. Hungry SCP-914 - The Clockworks SCP-915 - The Mechanotesseractic Computer SCP-916 - Man's Best Friend SCP-917 - Mr. Moon SCP-918 - Baby Mill SCP-919 - Needy Mirror SCP-920 - Mr. Lost SCP-921 - Museum of Memories SCP-922 - Another Version of the Truth SCP-923 - A Useful Tool SCP-924 - The Ice Water Men SCP-925 - The Mushroom Cultist SCP-926 - Guqin SCP-927 - Contagious House SCP-928 - The White King SCP-929 - The Cuckoo SCP-930 - Seagull Island SCP-931 - A Rice Bowl SCP-932 - Night Feeder SCP-933 - Duct Tape SCP-934 - Inland Lighthouse SCP-935 - Ancient Playing Cards SCP-936 - Fruit of Man SCP-937 - Walking Sticks SCP-938 - Blood and Thunder SCP-939 - With Many Voices SCP-940 - Araneae Marionettes SCP-941 - Sick of Motion SCP-942 - Blood Candy SCP-943 - Repayment in Kind SCP-944 - Mirror Maze SCP-945 - Box of Shawabti SCP-946 - A Formal Discussion SCP-947 - Son of a [EXPLETIVE REDACTED] SCP-948 - The Workaholic SCP-949 - Wondertainment Land SCP-950 - Clothes Dryer SCP-951 - My Friend LUCAS SCP-952 - NP Rock SCP-953 - Polymorphic Humanoid SCP-954 - Vocalizing Frogs SCP-955 - Mr. Sillybug SCP-956 - The Child-Breaker SCP-957 - Baiting SCP-958 - General-Beep SCP-959 - The Bogeyman SCP-960 - Inspiration SCP-961 - University Sundial SCP-962 - Tower of Babble SCP-963 - Immortality SCP-964 - Indescribable Polymorph SCP-965 - The Face In The Window SCP-966 - Sleep Killer SCP-967 - Infinite Scrapyard SCP-968 - Tar Baby SCP-969 - █████ Brand Mosquito Repellent SCP-970 - The Recursive Room SCP-971 - Exotic Fast Food Delivery SCP-972 - Immunity SCP-973 - Smokey SCP-974 - Treehouse Predator SCP-975 - Subway Frogs SCP-976 - Anomalous Hard Drive SCP-977 - The Security Station SCP-978 - Desire Camera SCP-979 - Stoneware Rabbit SCP-980 - An Absence of Detail SCP-981 - The Director's Cut SCP-982 - Chicago Loop SCP-983 - The Birthday Monkey SCP-984 - A Public Restroom SCP-985 - Lost Luggage Claim SCP-986 - Faulkner's Last Manuscript SCP-987 - Gruesome Gallery SCP-988 - Unopenable Chest SCP-989 - Self-Defense Sugar SCP-990 - Dream Man SCP-991 - A Syringe SCP-992 - Gaia's Emissary SCP-993 - Bobble the Clown SCP-994 - Some Silver Dishes SCP-995 - Under The Couch SCP-996 - Broken Topology SCP-997 - Vermin Suppressor SCP-998 - Missing Aircraft SCP-999 - The Tickle Monster
submitted by demonicLeir1222 to copypasta [link] [comments]


2020.09.22 21:44 hgtv_neighbor Girls spying on naked men

In every little slice of suburbia, quietly tucked away in those “cute neighborhoods” referenced in the real estate pamphlets, there is always THAT house. You know the one. The “shit show.”
Welcome to Saddle Downs. At one time the best neighborhood in town, but now amongst the perfectly manicured lawns and driveways with nary a spot of oil leakage, an unholy abomination that looks like an episode of Hoarders made sweet love to Fred Sanford’s bread and butter elicits sighs and dramatic eye rolling from all who reside here. They wonder out loud “how someone who can afford to buy here could live in that kind of mess. Of all the damned nerve!”
Standing in the driveway--garden hose in hand and meticulously rinsing my yard tools, I surveyed my crab grass outbreak with disdain and BOILED under the surface about what he’s done to this once beautiful collection of domiciles. I know the property values here have completely gone to shit. How could they not? And it’s ME who has to live DIRECTLY ACROSS THE STREET from him.
The trash. The junk. The 1989 Geo Metro with no hood. The kiddie pool full of slime and frogs. FFS, he has three VCR’s stacked beside the mailbox. Yes…I said VCR’s
And is it so damned hard to cut your grass on Tuesdays like the rest of us?? I want to try the new edger I picked up during a July 4th sale (40 volt, top of the line), but as of right now I haven’t even seen the point. My yard will look like shit no matter what, because of HIM.
The neighborhood association won’t help. If it’s anything other than potholes or barbeques, they have a “hands off” approach to governance. I plan to run for president in the spring.
Anyway…I could feel my blood pressure going through the roof that night, and the plant-based diet I switched to wasn’t doing shit to help bring it down. Something HAD to be done about him…
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Allen.
Mid 50’s, twice married and twice divorced, he works as an I.T. contractor for the state. Being stuck at home because of Covid, I hadn’t seen him outside in months. Who needs to go outside when you have GrubHub and your lawn mower is lying next to the house in 100 pieces? He had made a perfect hermit’s life, intrinsically safe from those of us who only asked for a little bit of respect for the neighborhood.
So, imagine my surprise when at 6pm last Friday evening, he suddenly stumbles out the front door, down the steps, and begins cleaning up his yard. I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. I was so stunned that I forgot the hose was still on until it soaked my favorite pair of Duluth Trading khakis.
I blinked a few times to confirm what I was seeing. Allen was actually cleaning!
I quickly gathered my tools and hung them in their outlined spots on the pegboard my wife, Karen, got me for Father’s Day. Her essential oils business has really taken off lately and she’s starting to spoil me. It’s amazing what people will do for some of her concoctions. She’s got proven anecdotal evidence of the efficacy of her blends. She’s healed everything from spider bites to yeast infections with those little bottles of miracle juice.
I practically sprinted into the house to let her know what Allen was up to. Making sure to sit by the window the rest of the evening, I continued to peek out at my new favorite neighbor during commercial breaks in the Sean Hannity show. I wanted so very badly to go talk to him about it, but I was terrified that interrupting his task would jinx my good fortune.
When I went to bed around 9:30, Allen was still hard at it and showed no signs of slowing.
The next morning at 6:15 I heard the familiar beeps that signal a large vehicle moving in reverse. I nearly fell over trying to slip into my Crocs to get to the porch and have a look. A massive flatbed truck was dropping a 30 foot long dumpster in the yard. Allen was really getting serious!
I couldn’t take it any longer. I had planned to spend the day applying epoxy to my garage floor, but it was Allen’s project I was truly excited about now.
I had to go over there.
Quickly putting on some work quality clothes, I calmly made my way down the driveway and across the street. The yard was already looking better, but it really did have a long way to go. Allen was working like a madman.
He’s about 5’6 and half as wide as he is tall. What remained of his light brown hair was shaggy and unkempt, and he always wore the same outfit; dark gray suit pants, worn out loafers, and one of those silky, short sleeve dress shirts with vertical stripes that were popular in the early 1980’s.
Despite the less than ideal attire for the task at hand, Allen was working his ass off…and so would I. It was clear that absolutely nothing in the yard would escape the dumpster’s insatiable appetite, so without a word I fell in beside him and set to work.
It was a beautiful free-for-all and I was having the time of my life. I practically pranced around the yard, grabbing up anything I felt capable of getting over the side of the giant trash receptacle. Toys, scrap metal, fast food trash, some ugly ass yard ornaments Allen’s ex-wife had set out back in the late 90’s. Plastic frogs and flamingoes, bleached and dried brittle by 20 plus years of sun and weather cycles.
It was the most fun I’ve since the free resort weekend I scored just for attending a time share seminar and buying a share of a sweet villa in Branson, Missouri.
Oddly enough though, after a solid half hour of work Allen hadn’t said a word, or even acknowledged my presence for that matter. I finally broke the ice.
“Hey buddy! Just thought I’d come out here and give you some help. You’ve got a BIG job on your hands here, but it’ll be totally worth the effort. I even have a perfect grass seed blend for you. I came up with it myself after a long battle with clover. You won’t believe how good it’ll look in a few weeks!”
Allen never acknowledged my presence. He just continued, pushing himself harder and harder. His hair was all over the place and sweat had soaked through his clothes from head to toe.
A thought suddenly hit me.
I lightly grabbed him by the upper arm and said “Hey Allen. Did you ever stop last night?”
“No.”
I pressed further “You didn’t come in at all? You’ve just been out here nonstop?”
“Yes.”
It was killing me. I risked ruining everything, but I had to ask.
“Hey man…Why are you suddenly cleaning up after 20 years of neglecting your yard and ignoring everyone who has ever asked you to do something about it?”
Under labored breath, still without slowing even a step or glancing my direction, he said
“They’re coming.”
I inquired further.
“Who’s coming? You having a family get together? Pampered Chef party? Jehovah’s Witnesses stopping by to check on your soul?”
Allen suddenly snapped up, lunged at me and screamed directly in my face.
“NO…NO NO NO!!”
He abruptly turned and went right back to picking up a large chunk of a broken toilet covered in wet leaves, heaving it into the dumpster and waddling to the other side of the driveway to begin unearthing an old riding mower covered in the remnants of a splintered water bed frame.
I was a bit caught off guard by the aggression. Regardless, I was so happy to see Allen’s grass for the first time since April 22nd, 2001 that I was willing to overlook his anger. Still, though, at that point I felt it best to just go on back home.
I went ahead and started on my garage floor project. I backed my RAV-4 out into the driveway. I didn’t have to deal with Karen’s Volvo because she had an early appointment at the hair salon, then planned to return some things at a department store she felt were dishonestly presented by the salesperson…I think she planned on giving that manager a piece of her mind.
After a few more days of cleaning outside, inside, and having a huge fence built around the yard, Allen’s place was looking great. I decided I would go shake the hands of whatever visitors he was having that had motivated him to take on this glorious project.
As it turned out, I was given the opportunity to do so sooner than expected. Allen’s guests arrived the very next day.
It was an interesting looking bunch that piled out of a few of those monster passenger vans. Upon closer inspection I saw the side of them said “ZIP-LIFE HOLISTICS.” Everyone looked to be under 40 or so, and some of them couldn’t have been much past their high school years. Athletic wear—more specifically, track suits—was the prevailing choice in attire for every single one of them. Each of them wore a different color, though, and when they got out of the vans it was like someone dumped a bag of skittles onto the driveway.
Their energy was boundless. Running, jumping, and shouting loudly with the same enthusiasm I feel when my grass finally reaches the 4.5 inch mark and I get to fire up the Cub Cadet. God I love that mower.
Everyone congregated in the front yard, surrounding Allen and giving him endless handshakes and pats on the back. Allen looked exhausted, but he had put on his best smile for the greeting.
Behind that big smile though, terror filled his eyes.
The next morning at 7:00 on the dot, the cheers began.
“WHO-LIVES-THEIR-LIFE WITH ZIP AND PRIDE??”
“WE DO! WE DO!”
“WHO FLOWS WITH JOY THEY CAN-NOT HIDE??”
“WE DO! WE DO!”
They did this OVER and OVER and OVER for a solid 15 minutes, stopping only to cheer and clap.
Finally, they shut it down and bounded off to the van where a woman was handing out leaflets of some sort. They began to sprint off throughout the neighborhood, so after all of them were gone I sauntered over to talk to Allen. He was alone in the yard, dressed in a lime green track suit and doing jumping jacks.
I feigned enthusiasm.
“Hey buddy. How’s it going with the visitors? They’re sure an energetic bunch!”
His attitude had turned a complete 180 degrees. “Oh, hey Brad! Yeah, they’re stupendous! What a great bunch of people. They’re gonna change the life of everyone in this neighborhood. Just you wait and see!”
Despite Allen’s zeal, I was skeptical and still a touch unnerved by the arrival of these health ambassadors. I mean…maybe they could help the neighborhood get back on track. Quarantine had really taken its toll on the midsection and hind quarters of just about everyone in Saddle Downs. Working from home was awesome, but the cafeteria choices were endless now. Eating had become a sport for me by that point.
I figured I could try and get on board. It was just a bunch of over-zealous kids, right?
“Well Allen, I suppose all of us could use some guidance right now…and maybe they’ve got some techniques to help us avoid Covid, right?”
“Oh, most definitely brad. Most definitely. You’ll see.”
That was enough for me for the moment. As I started back to my own yard, I turned back and asked Allen how he got involved with these people.
“I met them on the Internet playing an ORPG game called Second Life!”
I had no idea what that was, but the answer was good enough for me.
I cruised back over to the house, figuring Karen had my kale shake ready to go, along with a little avocado and falafel on toast that would likely NOT hit the spot.
As the day wore on, I kept an eye on things out on the streets of Saddle Downs.
The Lifers, as I’ll refer to them, were going door-to-door with their flyers. Some successfully gained entry to make what I presumed was their sales pitch, while others maintained that huge smile and boundless enthusiasm after being turned away at the door. They did, however, leave a small yellow sticker on the mailbox on the way out.
Allen continued to exercise, with one of the Zip-Life zealots cheering him on.
Eventually a couple of them were on my doorstep. Ugh. It was the first time I had seen any of them up close, and the only way I can describe them accurately is to say…
They dazzled.
The startlingly attractive young man and woman before me had perfectly straight, shockingly white teeth. Their aroma was fantastic, like some perfect blend of sugar cookies and Tide Pods. Clean, and sweet. It was intoxicating.
Their eyes were big, bright and full of life, reminding me of those things that endlessly swirl and put you into a daze while the hypnotist snatches your wallet. The whites were white enough to make me squint, and their irises were vivid in color and matched their track suits. The young man’s orange irises didn’t have that fake look you see with color contacts, either. I think they were legit, which for a split second sent a chill down my spine.
As the young man began his pitch, perfectly straight, blindingly white teeth opened to a mouth that said “Hello sir! I’m Tanner and this is Kylee. We’re friends of your neighbor, Allen Randall, and are representatives of the world’s number one door-to-door health and wellness company, Zip-Life Holistics!”
I have no idea what he said after that. All I remember is smiling dreamily, looking back and forth between their mesmerizing eyes, skin that appeared to have disco balls embedded in its pores, and feeling compelled to only breathe through my nose. I found my feet shifting below me as I pushed open the storm door and welcomed them into my home. Floating in sheer ecstasy, I led them to the couch, where they sat down and produced a flyer for me to read.
At that moment, all I could think of was how much I wanted to please these strangers. How I would do absolutely anything for Taylor and Kylee.
Yes, I’ll sign those forms. Yes, I’ll be ready at 10pm on Friday. Sure, I’ll be eating nothing but raw, organic foods until then. I’ll do everything just as you wish. I just want to be well, for YOU. Thank you for saving me.”
Thank God for Karen. She had been in the Kitchen, live streaming one of her “Super Coupon” videos (she has 152 subscribers…not too shabby, right?) and hadn’t noticed Tanner and Kylee’s entrance until the smell hit her.
“Who’s here? That’s not Gain. That’s Tide. That shit is expensive! Someone needs a coupon lesson!”
She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw me starting to sign papers.
“Don’t you sign anything Brad! They’re probably gonna hit your credit card for a hundred bucks a month or something.”
“You kids skedaddle. Didn’t you see the magnet on my car? I blend ESSENTIAL OILS. Do you know what that means? It means get the heck out of my house with your worthless pills, or whatever other malarkey you’re peddling. It ain’t happenin’! Not on my watch!”
The two beautiful, amazing smelling Lifers smiled, thanked me for my time, and gave Karen a little death stare as they made for the door. Karen followed them into the yard, yelling the whole way.
“Don’t you make a face at me! I’ve got your leaflet in the house and don’t you think for a second that I won’t call your manager about these shady tactics you’re using!”
I exhaled sharply and ran my hands across my face to wake up a bit. When I looked back up they were gone…and one of those little yellow stickers adorned our mailbox.
Karen gave me a bit of a scolding after she came back inside, but I did deserve it. It didn’t last too long, though, because she had to get to work on a big batch of potato salad to take to a party at my office. Those people love her recipe.
The rest of the Lifers eventually congregated back at Allen’s house. It looked like they were camping in the back yard, which is probably why Allen had that absurdly high fence installed.
Around 7pm, things got…weird.
Firstly, there was more cheering.
After the noise subsided I could hear a lot of grunting and groaning, and eventually curiosity got the best of me. I grabbed a ladder and made my way up to the roof. Our houses are more diagonally lined up, so with a bit of height I got a pretty clear view of Allen’s back yard.
It looked like they were performing feats of strength.
Some of them began picking up landscaping rocks the size of watermelons, followed by each taking a turn throwing theirs across the yard as far as possible. The best throw was about 15 feet, which was REALLY far for a rock that I would guess weighs around 200lbs.
The winner? Kylee, all 5’2 and 120lbs of her.
After that, some of the men locked arms and legs, building upon each other for some kind of creation. Bodies twisted and contorted, eventually taking the shape of a wheel…complete with human spokes.
One of the women gave them a push, and off they went, rolling across the yard. It was an impressive feat of strength and flexibility…and just a touch unsettling. The wheel made it back around the yard, and several more of the men stood on others’ shoulders on both sides of the “wheel,” eventually revealing themselves to be posts. The entire contraption together became a freaky Ferris wheel. Someone gave it a push, and off it went, slowly rotating on an axis made of the backs of their brethren.
That was both mesmerizing AND freaky, but a big group of the women, however, really pushed the envelope. The men began to chant.
DO IT! DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
It took a few minutes for it all to come together, but after everyone was in position I was looking at all 20 of the women bent into impossible positions and exercising body control that would require the strength of a herd of elephants. Arms bent backward, shoulders dislocated and twisted in ways that would paralyze any normal person. I felt bile rise in my throat, even viewing it from over 100 feet away.
All the disgusting contortions came together, and suddenly I was looking at a 10 foot tall spider with the entire body and 8 legs made of people who should have been dead from their positioning alone.
And it wasn’t unstable. It wasn’t about to collapse like one of those shitty popsicle stick houses we made in kindergarten. Had it not been so terrifying, it would have been nothing short of magnificent.
And then that spider WALKED…
And then it RAN…
Their bodies were in perfect harmony as “it” ran across the back yard.
More chanting.
“SPI-DER! SPI-DER! SPI-DER! SPI-DER!”
Continuing to run with absolute accuracy, they began to emit a clicking sound that I can only describe as “how a spider sounds in a movie.”
“TICK-A TICK-A TICK-A TICK-A!
TICK-A TICK-A TICK-A TICK-A”
My skin was crawling at this point.
Then, as if the situation couldn’t get any more bizarre and terrifying, I watched as that human spider crawled right up the back wall of Allen’s three story house and onto the roof. And when it stopped I realized that before it crawled up the house, several of the men had jumped on and stacked themselves close on the front of the spider body. Their heads were packed tightly together, and their eyes became the spider’s eyes.
And they blinked in unison.
Then it shifted a bit. The legs, the body, and those eyes, rotating around while a few dozen mouths emitted that “tick-a tick-a tick-a” sound. In a side profile stance, facing off in the distance it stood.
It felt as if everything around me had gone silent. This wasn’t just funny, or creepy anymore. It was downright scary. And as I soaked it all in and began to wonder what the hell I was really witnessing, I watched, horrified as every Lifer on that hideous creation turned their head toward me.
And they smiled…
*************************************************************************************
I slept like absolute shit that night. After the spider spent a few minutes twitching around on the roof and looking at me, it/they crawled back down to the yard and disassembled. Eventually everyone settled down and I didn’t hear anything else until early morning when the daily cheering began again.
I must admit, the spider really scared me. When I said those girls got into impossible positions I was NOT exaggerating. I was looking at fully dislocated shoulders and hips, spines twisted up like paper clips, and heads that twisted completely around. These were not normal people.
This routine continued for the rest of the week.
-Wake up and cheer
-Work the neighborhood
-Cheer some more
-Do weird shit in the back yard until dark, including but not limited to
-Relay races (on their hands)
-Professional-style wrestling (without padding)
-Duck, Duck, Goose and Red Rover (with tackling)
-Forming a human snake 50 feet long and slithering around the house for 45 straight minutes, with everyone making a “sssssssssssssssssssssss” sound and flicking their tongues. Then every few minutes coiling up and striking at imaginary things.
They did try to make their pitch to us once each day, becoming more persistent as the week progressed, but Karen always shooed them off. On their Friday afternoon visit she even sprayed them with lavender oil. Tanner looked PISSED about it, too. As the days wore on, though, I noticed the little yellow stickers eventually being removed, and figured my weak minded neighbors were finally giving in and agreeing to the presentation. Not Karen, though. She’s hardcore about this kind of thing.
Four days into this adventure, I noticed something. I had never seen them eating, drinking, or going into the house to use the bathroom. I did see twice a day they were given a shot glass worth of some kind of liquid, which I presumed was whatever product they must be selling
Despite it all, the neighborhood was still running normally. People came and went, cars were washed, and dogs were walked. Mrs. Bush down the street was in her front yard, drunk and arguing with her adult son, who was also drunk, about his chronic unemployment and wasting his government money on “cheap women.”
Friday night, Karen and I were sipping some of our favorite craft beer on the porch when we noticed an abnormally large number of people heading down the street. I recognized some of the faces and others were foreign to me, but they all turned in to Allen’s driveway and formed a line that extended a ways down the street. I suddenly recalled something on Tanner and Kylee’s pamphlet about “being there” on Friday at 10pm. A quick check of my watch confirmed that it was, in-fact, 10pm. Now I was REALLY interested to see what was going down.
I moved from the porch to the living room to watch one of these quarantine MLB games, which was almost as weird as watching the Lifers do their thing. I kept a constant eye on the goings-on at Allen’s though and as the evening wore on the traffic really picked up. For hours I sat there watching neighbors get in line, looking completely happy and relaxed—no doubt enjoying the Scent of sugar cookies and eye candy the Lifers provided—waiting their turn to go behind the gate. Several of the Lifers looked to almost be standing guard there, with more standing along the street in front of the house.
All night long, the cycle was the same.
-Person goes through the gate on one side of the house, followed by a few minutes of silence.
-Horrific screaming, followed by the Lifers clapping and cheering.
-Then the person shuffled out of the gate on the other side of the house, and very slowly shuffled home.
By 2am, I couldn’t stand it anymore. I had to get a look behind that house again, even if it WAS a shitty angle.
I was headed for the roof again.
I grabbed my ladder and began my ascent. As I reached the top rung and my head cleared the roof line, I heard a voice coming from below—accompanied by the very faint smell of sugar cookies.
It was Tanner.
“Hey Brad! Whatcha doin’ up there?” He gave the ladder a little shake.
“I don’t think it’s safe to be up on the roof this late. Why don’t you come on down and go back in the house? Kylee said Karen looks pretty lonely in the bed.”
They were watching Karen sleep??
Now I was angry. I felt a surge of adrenaline, and it was finally time to tell this asshole what I really thought of him and his stupid Lifer friends.
“Tanner, why don’t YOU get the FUCK out of my yard and go back to your weird-ass cult across the street before I call the cops!”
Tanner chuckled and said “Braaaaaaad. YOUR NEIGHBOR, the chief of police is in line at Allen’s right this minute. You know that.”
And then he literally jumped straight up the 30 feet to my roof.
Tanner crouched directly in front of me, grabbed my ladder and tipped me a foot back from the edge, literally holding my life in his right hand.
His orange eyes glowed like two big fireflies in the darkness.
“Brad. Everything is fine over there. It would REALLY be in your best interest to climb back down this VERY unstable ladder and get “the FUCK” back in your house.”
I nodded, scared shitless. My adrenaline surged again as I gripped that ladder with every ounce of strength I had. There was no exit plan here if he let me go, and I am not ashamed to admit that I wet my pants.
“Ok, Tanner. I’ll go back inside. Please, PLEASE move my ladder back and let me climb down.”
And just like that, he returned the ladder to a safe angle, got in a high-dive position and did a gainer off the roof, landing perfectly on his feet.
When I stepped off, he was directly in my face. He did NOT smell like cookies and Tide now. He smelled musty, like an old museum. The glimmer in his skin came and went like static on a TV, and his eyes no longer dazzled. He looked tired, as if he’d used up every ounce of his normally boundless energy.
That’s the last thing I remember.

I woke up on the couch around 7:00. My drool-covered shirt was turned halfway around my torso and one of my socks was missing in action. I felt absolutely awful. Every muscle ached to some degree and my feet felt like they were made of lead. I was completely exhausted, and my back felt like it was on fire. I made it to the kitchen and tried to get my head together. Out of nowhere, I was suddenly ready to MURDER someone for some bacon…or sausage…or a bagel with Lox…or some Lay’s potato chips…or a big glass of sea water. I threw my middle finger in the air and turned in a circle to let ALL the components of Karen’s stupid plant-based diet know what I thought of them. Dr. Ornish could eat a dick…actually I guess he wouldn’t, though.
I practically DRAGGED myself to the window to see what the Lifers were up to.
They were gone.
I was startled as Karen emerged from the hallway, tripped, and fell flat on her face, sending half a dozen essential oil vials flying across the room. I was too tired to even try to help her up.
Groaning, she pushed herself up on her elbows.
“What the hell happened last night, Brad? The last thing I remember is that Kylee girl standing beside my bed speaking in another language. There were bits of English mixed in there. She said something like ‘we are ancient…older than death himself…’ and then something about cows and pigs no longer being sufficient?”
I looked at her like she had three eyes. Not only was I in tremendous pain…I was feeling a little combative.
“What? Are you drunk? Did you put too much lemongrass and ylang-ylang in your tea again last night??”
When Karen is pissed, her voice gets really nasal and her A’s are literally enough to bust eardrums. After my smartass comment, I really had it coming, though.
“NOOOOOOO BRAAAAD! She said it! She said that shit, and the last thing of it I recall is her rolling me over onto my stomach and saying “Thanks bitch. I’ll fill you back up with Marjoram.”
She had managed to stand again, but doubled over in pain and hit the floor once more.
“Ughhhhhh…Damn-it Brad, why does my back hurt SOOOOO BAAAAD???”
I looked down at her exposed back. It was swollen and red, and she had a tiny hole or needle mark just above each kidney. I had the same. What the heck was up there?
Trying to look at my own back, I began turning in circles like a dog trying to sniff its own butt.
“Karen, look at these holes in my back. What’s in that spot?”
She had spent a few years in nursing school back in the day before quitting to sell door-to-door cosmetics, and god only knows what other flavor of the week MLMs that came about.
She thought about it for a moment. “I think it’s the adrenal gland. What the…did they steal our adrenaline???!!!
I helped Karen to her feet, we plopped ourselves down at the kitchen table, and I blacked out.
*************************************************************************************
Three hours later I woke up, my cheek smashed down on the table. Surrounding me was remnants of a bag of beef jerky, a jar of pickles with no juice, and my mouth was caked in what tasted like feta cheese. Karen was on the floor, blocking the doorway threshold and mumbling something in her sleep about not needing a receipt. Peeking out from under the edge of her robe was what was left of the block of feta.
I shuffled my way to the bathroom, stripped off my disheveled and urine stained clothes, and let a hot shower take me away to paradise. God I was thirsty. Karen says the chlorine and fluoride in city water is bad for me, but I didn’t care. I drank it right out of the faucet.
After getting cleaned up, I stepped out on the patio for some fresh air. Many of my neighbors were out and about, moving like they were 100 years old but trying to do the normal stuff--taking walks, washing cars, etc. I gingerly made my way next door to speak with my buddy Mike. He had been out of town most of the week, but I saw him in line last night. I caught up to him as he was checking his mail.
“Yo Mike. How’s it going?”
He looked terrible. “Hey Brad. Man I feel like complete shit. I don’t know what the hell happened to me last night. I haven’t felt this bad since I got completely plastered at your Super bowl party.”
I vividly remember that event. Mike, the 50 year old accountant, attempted a backflip on a dare and landed on his face.
I looked at him quizzically. “You mean you don’t remember being at Allen’s? Going behind the fence for the Zip-Life product demonstration?”
He closed the mailbox and looked back up at me.
“The what? Zip Who? I haven’t spoken with Allen in months. I’d like to kiss him right on the mouth though, for finally cleaning up his property. I wish I had been here to see it. Damn, dude. My back is killing me!”
He turned and raised his shirt, and sure enough… the same swelling and holes in his back.
I told him what I suspected had happened to us, but he had absolutely no recollection of the Lifers ever having set foot in Saddle Downs. I was too tired to press the issue, and Mike didn’t seem to care about the holes in his back. It’s like his memory and even his sense of self-preservation was just…absent.
I ended the conversation and made my way a couple houses down, intercepting a lady named Sandra as she VERY slowly made her way through the morning walk she’s taken every single day for 23 years. We had the same conversation. She had the same marks, and like Mike, had no memory of the night before.
I tried several others and got more of the same. Finally I headed for Allen’s house, banging HARD on the door. When he answered, it was clear that I had woken him up. He was wearing nothing but a pair of old, very undersized boxers.
“Uhhh…hey Brad. What’s up?”
“Allen, I’ve had enough of this shit. What the hell did those people do to everyone last night??”
He looked completely confused. “What? What are you talking about? Who?”
I roared with every ounce of strength I had left.
“THE ZIP-LIFE PEOPLE, ALLEN! THEY JACKED EVERYONE UP! WE ALL HAVE HOLES ABOVE OUR KIDNEYS AND NO ONE KNOWS WHY! I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT EVEN REMEMBERS THEM BEING HERE!”
All of a sudden it was like the light bulb went off. Allen’s eyes nearly popped out of his skull. I exhaled sharply, relieved that SOMEONE could finally shed some light on all of this.
Allen jumped through the door, darting back and forth across the porch, giving evil stares to everyone he could see.
As he flew by me for the third time I caught a look at his shirtless back…
There was nothing.
No holes. No swelling. Just a nice, plump back with enough hair on it to sculpt a mowhawk.
And as he ran out into the street with murder in his eyes, naked aside from the underwear hanging halfway down his ass, I knew the story had ended. I wasn’t going to get my answer, because I knew what the next words out of his mouth would be.
Wild-eyed, and practically foaming at the mouth with rage, he said…
“WHICH ONE OF YOU ASSHOLES CLEANED UP MY YARD!”


My favorite neighbor
submitted by hgtv_neighbor to nosleep [link] [comments]


2020.09.16 21:49 Britneyfan456 Men spying on girls naked

It could be best run in terms of anything
Alfred Hitchcock: Vertigo, Rear Window, North by Northwest, Strangers on a Train, To Catch a Thief, Dial M for Murder, I Confess, Stage Fright, The Trouble with Harry, The Man Who Knew Too Much, and The Wrong Man.
Nicholas Ray: In a Lonely Place, Rebel Without a Cause, Bigger Than Life, Johnny Guitar, Bitter Victory, Macao, On Dangerous Ground, Party Girl, The Lusty Men, and Run for Cover.
Ingmar Bergman: The Seventh Seal, Smiles of a Summer Night, Wild Strawberries, Dreams, Summer Interlude, A Lesson in Love, The Magician, Secrets of Women, and Summer with Monika.
Billy Wilder: Sunset Boulevard, Sabrina, Some Like It, Stalag 17, Witness for the Prosecution, The Seven Year Itch, Ace in the Hole, Love in the Afternoon, and The Spirit of St. Louis.
Fred Zinnemann: From Here to Eternity, High Noon, The Men, Oklahoma!, The Nun's Story, A Hatful of Rain, The Old Man and the Sea, Teresa, and The Member of the Wedding. George Stevens: Shane, Giant, A Place in the Sun, The Diary of Anne Frank, and Something to Live For.
John Huston: The Asphalt Jungle, The African Queen, The Red Badge of Courage, Moby Dick, Beat the Devil, The Barbarian and the Geisha, Heaven Knows, Mr. Allison, The Roots of Heaven, and Moulin Rouge.
Elia Kazan: On the Waterfront, A Streetcar Named Desire, East of Eden, Panic in the Streets, Baby Doll, A Face in the Crowd, Viva Zapata!, and Man on a Tightrope.
William Wyler: Ben Hur, Roman Holiday, The Big Country, Friendly Persuasion, Carrie, Detective Story, and The Desperate Hours.
Otto Preminger: The Man with the Golden Arm, Anatomy of a Murder, Where the Sidewalk Ends, The 13th Letter, Angel Face, The Moon Is Blue, Carmen Jones, Bonjour Tristesse, Porgy and Bess, Saint Joan, and
Federico Fellini: La Strada, Nights of Cabiria, I Vitelloni, Il bidone, The White Sheik, and Variety Lights.
Robert Wise: The Day the Earth Stood Still, Destination Gobi, This Could Be the Night, Run Silent, Run Deep, I Want to Live!, Odds Against Tomorrow, Executive Suite, Two Flags West, Somebody Up There Likes Me, The Desert Rats, So Big, and House on Telegraph Hill.
Fritz Lang: The Big Heat, Clash by Night, House by the River, American Guerrilla in the Philippines, While the City Sleeps, Human Desire, Rancho Notorious, and Moonfleet.
Akira Kurosawa: Rashomon, Seven Samurai, Ikiru, The Hidden Fortress, The Idiot, Throne of Blood, I Live in Fear, and The Lower Depths.
Orson Welles: Othello, Touch of evil, and Mr. Arkadin.
Stanley Kubrick: The Killing, Paths of Glory, Fear and Desire, and Killer's Kiss.
Luis Buñuel: Los Olvidados, El, Mexican Bus Ride, Robinson Crusoe, The Criminal Life of Archibaldo de la Cruz, and Nazarín.
Michael Curtiz: The Breaking Point, White Christmas, We're No Angels, King Creole, The Jazz Singer, The Egyptian, I'll See You in My Dreams, The Vagabond King, and The Proud Rebel.
John Ford: The Searchers, The Quiet Man, Mister Roberts, Wagon Master, Rio Grande, The Sun Shines Bright, Mogambo, The Long Gray Line, The Horse Soldiers, The Last Hurrah, The Wings of Eagles, What Price Glory, and When Willie Comes Marching Home.
Joseph L. Mankiewicz: All About Eve, No Way Out, People Will Talk, 5 Fingers, Julius Caesar, Guys and Dolls, The Barefoot Contessa, The Quiet American, and Suddenly, Last Summer.
Vincente Minnelli: The Bad and the Beautiful, Gigi, The Band Wagon, An American in Paris, Some Came Running, Designing Woman, Tea and Sympathy, The Cobweb, The Long, Long Trailer, Father of the Bride, Father's Little Dividend, Brigadoon, The Story of Three Loves, Lust for Life, and Kismet.
Robert Bresson: The Diary of a Country Girl, Pick Pocket, and A Man Escaped.
Yasujirō Ozu: Tokyo Story, Floating Weeds, The Munekata Sisters, Early Summer, Early Spring, Tokyo Twilight, Good Morning, Equinox Flower, and The Flavor of Green Tea over Rice.
Alexander Mackendrick: The Lady Killers, Sweet Smell of Success, The Man in the White Suit, Mandy, and The Maggie.
Douglas Sirk: Written on the Wind, Imitation of Life, All That Heaven Allows, Magnificent Obsession, A Time to Love and a Time to Die, There's Always Tomorrow, The Tarnished Angels, Battle Hymn, The First Legion, All I Desire, Take Me to Town, Meet Me at the Fair, and Interlude.
Satyajit Ray: The Apu Trilogy, The Music Room, and Parash Pathar.
Robert Aldrich: Kiss Me Deadly, Vera Cruz, The Big Knife, Autumn Leaves, The Angry Hills, Ten Seconds to Hell, Apache, and Big Leaguer.
Richard Brooks: Blackboard Jungle, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Deadline – U.S.A., Crisis, Battle Circus, The Last Time I Saw Paris, Take the High Ground!, The Last Hunt, and The Brothers Karamazov.
George Cukor: A Star Is Born, Born Yesterday, Bhowani Junction, It Should Happen to You, Les Girls, Wild is the Wind, The Actress, Pat and Mike, Hot Spell, A Life of Her Own, and The Marrying Kind.
Byron Haskin: The War of the Worlds, The First Texan, Conquest of Space, From the Earth to the Moon, The Little Savage, The Boss, Tarzan's Peril, His Majesty O'Keefe, Warpath, Silver City, And Treasure Island.
Howard Hawks: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, Rio Bravo, The Big Sky, Monkey Business, Land of the Pharaohs, and O. Henry's Full House.
Roberto Rossellini: Where Is Freedom?, Journey to Italy, General Della Rovere, Europe '51, The Machine to Kill Bad People, We, the Women, The Ways of Love, Francesco, giullare di Dio, Stromboli, Fear, India: Matri Bhumi, and Joan of Arc at the Stake.
Jean Renoir: The Ways of Love, French Cancan, The River, Elena and Her Men, Elena and Her Men, The Doctor's Horrible Experiment, and Picnic on the Grass.
Jules Dassin: Night and The City, Rififi, He Who Must Die, and The Law.
Vittorio De Sica: Terminal Station, Umberto D., Miracle in Milan, The Roof, and Anna of Brooklyn.
Kenji Mizoguchi: Ugetsu, The Life of Oharu, The Crucified Lovers, Sansho the Bailiff, The Woman in the Rumor, A Geisha, Princess Yang Kwei Fei, Shin Heike Monogatari, and Street of Shame.
Roy Ward Baker: A Night to Remember, Don't Bother to Knock, I'll Never Forget You, Morning Departure, Highly Dangerous, Inferno, Night Without Sleep, The One That Got Away, Passage Home, Jacqueline, and Tiger in the Smoke.
Henri-Georges Clouzot: The Wages of Fear, Les Diaboliques, Les Espions, The Mystery of Picasso, and Miquette.
Anthony Mann: The Man from Laramie, The Naked Spur, Winchester '73, The Glenn Miller Story, Side Street, The Tall Target, Devil's Doorway, The Furies, Bend of the River, Man of the West, God's Little Acre, Men in War, Strategic Air Command, The Tin Star, Serenade, The Far Country, and The Last Frontier.
Don Siegel: Crime in the Streets, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Edge of Eternity, Baby Face Nelson, Spanish Affair, The Duel at Silver Creek, An Annapolis Story, Riot in Cell Block 11, China Venture, Private Hell 36, The Lineup, Hound-Dog Man, and Count the Hours.
John Sturges: Bad Day at Black Rock, Gunfight at the O.K. Corral, The People Against O'Hara, Escape from Fort Bravo, The Old Man and the Sea, Backlash, The Scarlet Coat, Jeopardy, Fast Company, Mystery Street, Right Cross, Last Train from Gun Hill, The Law and Jake Wade, Big Country, and Underwater!.
Samuel Fuller: Pickup on South Street, Hell and High Water, The
Crimson Kimono, Forty Guns, Dog Face, Run of the Arrow, China Gate, House of Bamboo, Verboten!, The Steel Helmet, The Baron of Arizona, Park Row, and Fixed Bayonets!.
Joseph H. Lewis: The Big Combo, Retreat, Hell!, A Lady Without Passport, Desperate Search, Man on a Bus, Cry of the Hunted, A Lawless Street, The Halliday Brand, Terror in a Texas Town, and 7th Cavalry.
Jean-Pierre Melville: Les Enfants Terribles, Orpheus, Quatre sans millions!, When You Read This Letter, Bob le flambeur, and Two Men in Manhattan.
Phil Carlson: The Phenix City Story, Kansas City Confidential, 99 River Street, Hell's Island, The Iroquois Trail, The Brigand, Scandal Sheet, Gunman's Walk, Mask of the Avenger, Lorna Doone, The Texas Rangers, Tight Spot, They Rode West, The Brothers Rico, and 5 Against the House.
Martin Ritt: The Long, Hot Summer, Edge of the City, The Black Orchid, No Down Payment, and The Sound and the Fury.
Louis Malle: Les Amants, Elevator to the Gallows, Crazeologie, and Station 307.
Carol Reed: Our Man in Havana, The Key, Trapeze, The Man Between, A Kid for Two Farthings, and Outcast of the Islands.
Masaki Kobayashi: The Human Condition Trilogy, Youth of the Son, Three Loves, Somewhere Under The Broad Sky, The Spring, Beautiful Days, I Will Buy You, Black River, Sincere Heart, and The Thick-Walled Room.
Stanley Donen: Singin' in the Rain, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Royal Wedding, Funny Face, Indiscreet, Damn Yankees, The Pajama Game, Kiss Them for Me, and It's Always Fair Weather.
Gene Kelly: It's Always Fair Weather, Singin' in the Rain, Invitation to the Dance, and The Tunnel of Love.
Ida Lupino: The Hitch-Hiker, Outrage, The Bigamist, and Hard, Fast and Beautiful.
Budd Boetticher: The Tall T, Bullfighter and the Lady, City Beneath the Sea, East of Sumatra, Red Ball Express, Seven Men from Now, The Killer Is Loose, Ride Lonesome, Buchanan Rides Alone, Decision at Sundown, Westbound, The Magnificent Matador, The Man from the Alamo, Seminole, The Cimarron Kid, Killer Shark, Bronco Buster, Wings of the Hawk, and Horizons West.
Andre DeToth: Day of the Outlaw, House of Wax, Man in the Saddle, Riding Shotgun, Crime Wave, Last of the Comanches, Tanganyika, The Bounty Hunter, Hidden Fear, The Indian Fighter, Monkey on My Back, The Two-Headed Spy, Thunder Over the Plains, The Stranger Wore a Gun, Carson City, and Springfield Rifle.
Delmer Daves: 3:10 to Yuma, Broken Arrow, Demetrius and the Gladiators, White Feather, Drum Beat, Treasure of the Golden Condor, Jubal, The Last Wagon, Kings Go Forth, Cowboy, The Badlanders, The Hanging Tree, A Summer Place, Bird of Paradise, and Never Let Me Go.
William A. Wellman: Track of the Cat, The High and the Mighty, Blood Alley, Darby's Rangers, Lafayette Escadrille, Good-bye, My Lady, The Next Voice You Hear..., Westward the Women, Island in the Sky, My Man and I, Across the Wide Missouri, and The Happy Years.
Max Ophüls: La Ronde, The Earrings of Madame de…, Lola Montès, and Le Plaisir.
Delbert Mann: Marty, The Bachelor Party, Desire Under the Elms, Middle of the Night, and Separate Tables.
David Lean: The Bridge on the River Kwai, Madeleine, The Sound Barrier, Summertime, and Hobson's Choice.
submitted by Britneyfan456 to movies [link] [comments]


2020.09.11 23:02 Britneyfan456 Which Director had the best run in the 50s?

Best run in terms of anything
Alfred Hitchcock: Vertigo, Rear Window, North by Northwest, Strangers on a Train, To Catch a Thief, Dial M for Murder, I Confess, Stage Fright, The Trouble with Harry, The Man Who Knew Too Much, and The Wrong Man.
Nicholas Ray: In a Lonely Place, Rebel Without a Cause, Bigger Than Life, Johnny Guitar, Bitter Victory, Macao, On Dangerous Ground, Party Girl, The Lusty Men, Run for Cover, Born to Be Bad, The Racket, Flying Leathernecks, Androcles and the Lion, The True Story of Jesse James, Hot Blood, and Wind Across the Everglades.
Ingmar Bergman: The Seventh Seal, Smiles of a Summer Night, Wild Strawberries, Dreams, Summer Interlude, A Lesson in Love, The Magician, Secrets of Women, and Summer with Monika.
Billy Wilder: Sunset Boulevard, Sabrina, Some Like It, Stalag 17, Witness for the Prosecution, The Seven Year Itch, Ace in the Hole, Love in the Afternoon, and The Spirit of St. Louis.
Fred Zinnemann: From Here to Eternity, High Noon, The Men, Oklahoma!, The Nun's Story, A Hatful of Rain, The Old Man and the Sea, Teresa, and The Member of the Wedding.
George Stevens: Shane, Giant, A Place in the Sun, The Diary of Anne Frank, and Something to Live For.
John Huston: The Asphalt Jungle, The African Queen, The Red Badge of Courage, Moby Dick, Beat the Devil, The Barbarian and the Geisha, Heaven Knows, Mr. Allison, The Roots of Heaven, and Moulin Rouge.
Elia Kazan: On the Waterfront, A Streetcar Named Desire, East of Eden, Panic in the Streets, Baby Doll, A Face in the Crowd, Viva Zapata!, and Man on a Tightrope.
William Wyler: Ben Hur, Roman Holiday, The Big Country, Friendly Persuasion, Carrie, Detective Story, and The Desperate Hours.
Otto Preminger: The Man with the Golden Arm, Anatomy of a Murder, Where the Sidewalk Ends, The 13th Letter, Angel Face, The Moon Is Blue, Carmen Jones, Bonjour Tristesse, Porgy and Bess, and Saint Joan.
Federico Fellini: La Strada, Nights of Cabiria, I Vitelloni, Il bidone, The White Sheik, and Variety Lights.
Robert Wise: The Day the Earth Stood Still, Destination Gobi, This Could Be the Night, Run Silent, Run Deep, I Want to Live!, Odds Against Tomorrow, Executive Suite, Two Flags West, Somebody Up There Likes Me, The Desert Rats, So Big, and House on Telegraph Hill.
Fritz Lang: The Big Heat, Clash by Night, House by the River, American Guerrilla in the Philippines, While the City Sleeps, Human Desire, Rancho Notorious, and Moonfleet.
Akira Kurosawa: Rashomon, Scandal, Seven Samurai, Ikiru, The Hidden Fortress, The Idiot, Throne of Blood, I Live in Fear, and The Lower Depths.
Orson Welles: Othello, Touch of evil, and Mr. Arkadin.
Stanley Kubrick: The Killing, Paths of Glory, Fear and Desire, and Killer's Kiss.
Luis Buñuel: Los Olvidados, El, Mexican Bus Ride, Robinson Crusoe, The Criminal Life of Archibaldo de la Cruz, and Nazarín.
Michael Curtiz: The Breaking Point, White Christmas, We're No Angels, King Creole, The Jazz Singer, The Egyptian, I'll See You in My Dreams, The Vagabond King, and The Proud Rebel.
John Ford: The Searchers, The Quiet Man, Mister Roberts, Wagon Master, Rio Grande, The Sun Shines Bright, Mogambo, The Long Gray Line, The Horse Soldiers, The Last Hurrah, The Wings of Eagles, What Price Glory, and When Willie Comes Marching Home.
Joseph L. Mankiewicz: All About Eve, No Way Out, People Will Talk, 5 Fingers, Julius Caesar, Guys and Dolls, The Barefoot Contessa, The Quiet American, and Suddenly, Last Summer.
Vincente Minnelli: The Bad and the Beautiful, Gigi, The Band Wagon, An American in Paris, Some Came Running, Designing Woman, Tea and Sympathy, The Cobweb, The Long, Long Trailer, Father of the Bride, Father's Little Dividend, Brigadoon, The Story of Three Loves, Lust for Life, and Kismet.
Robert Bresson: The Diary of a Country Girl, Pick Pocket, and A Man Escaped.
Yasujirō Ozu: Tokyo Story, Floating Weeds, The Munekata Sisters, Early Summer, Early Spring, Tokyo Twilight, Good Morning, Equinox Flower, and The Flavor of Green Tea over Rice.
Alexander Mackendrick: The Lady Killers, Sweet Smell of Success, The Man in the White Suit, Mandy, and The Maggie.
Douglas Sirk: Written on the Wind, Imitation of Life, All That Heaven Allows, Magnificent Obsession, A Time to Love and a Time to Die, There's Always Tomorrow, The Tarnished Angels, Battle Hymn, The First Legion, All I Desire, Take Me to Town, Meet Me at the Fair, and Interlude.
Satyajit Ray: The Apu Trilogy, The Music Room, and Parash Pathar.
Robert Aldrich: Kiss Me Deadly, Vera Cruz, The Big Knife, Autumn Leaves, The Angry Hills, Ten Seconds to Hell, Apache, and Big Leaguer.
Richard Brooks: Blackboard Jungle, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, Deadline – U.S.A., Crisis, Battle Circus, The Last Time I Saw Paris, Take the High Ground!, The Last Hunt, and The Brothers Karamazov.
George Cukor: A Star Is Born, Born Yesterday, Bhowani Junction, It Should Happen to You, Les Girls, Wild is the Wind, The Actress, Pat and Mike, Hot Spell, A Life of Her Own, and The Marrying Kind.
Byron Haskin: The War of the Worlds, The First Texan, Conquest of Space, From the Earth to the Moon, The Little Savage, The Boss, Tarzan's Peril, His Majesty O'Keefe, Warpath, Silver City, And Treasure Island.
Howard Hawks: Gentlemen Prefer Blondes, Rio Bravo, The Big Sky, Monkey Business, Land of the Pharaohs, and O. Henry's Full House.
Roberto Rossellini: Where Is Freedom?, Journey to Italy, General Della Rovere, Europe '51, The Machine to Kill Bad People, We, the Women, The Ways of Love, Francesco, giullare di Dio, Stromboli, Fear, India: Matri Bhumi, and Joan of Arc at the Stake.
Jean Renoir: The Ways of Love, French Cancan, The River, Elena and Her Men, Elena and Her Men, The Doctor's Horrible Experiment, and Picnic on the Grass.
Jules Dassin: Night and The City, Rififi, He Who Must Die, and The Law.
Vittorio De Sica: Terminal Station, Umberto D., Miracle in Milan, The Roof, and Anna of Brooklyn.
Kenji Mizoguchi: Ugetsu, The Life of Oharu, The Crucified Lovers,
Sansho the Bailiff, The Woman in the Rumor, A Geisha, Princess Yang Kwei Fei, Shin Heike Monogatari, and Street of Shame.
Roy Ward Baker: A Night to Remember, Don't Bother to Knock, I'll Never Forget You, Morning Departure, Highly Dangerous, Inferno, Night Without Sleep, The One That Got Away, Passage Home, Jacqueline, and Tiger in the Smoke.
Henri-Georges Clouzot: The Wages of Fear, Les Diaboliques, Les Espions, The Mystery of Picasso, and Miquette.
Anthony Mann: The Man from Laramie, The Naked Spur, Winchester '73, The Glenn Miller Story, Side Street, The Tall Target, Devil's Doorway, The Furies, Bend of the River, Man of the West, God's Little Acre, Men in War, Strategic Air Command, The Tin Star, Serenade, The Far Country, and The Last Frontier.
Don Siegel: Crime in the Streets, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Edge of Eternity, Baby Face Nelson, Spanish Affair, The Duel at Silver Creek, An Annapolis Story, Riot in Cell Block 11, China Venture, Private Hell 36, The Lineup, Hound-Dog Man, and Count the Hours.
John Sturges: Bad Day at Black Rock, Gunfight at the O.K. Corral, The People Against O'Hara, Escape from Fort Bravo, The Old Man and the Sea, Backlash, The Scarlet Coat, Jeopardy, Fast Company, Mystery Street, Right Cross, Last Train from Gun Hill, The Law and Jake Wade, Big Country, and Underwater!.
Samuel Fuller: Pickup on South Street, Hell and High Water, The Crimson Kimono, Forty Guns, Dog Face, Run of the Arrow, China Gate, House of Bamboo, Verboten!, The Steel Helmet, The Baron of Arizona, Park Row, and Fixed Bayonets!.
Joseph H. Lewis: The Big Combo, Retreat, Hell!, A Lady Without Passport, Desperate Search, Man on a Bus, Cry of the Hunted, A Lawless Street, The Halliday Brand, Terror in a Texas Town, and 7th Cavalry.
Jean-Pierre Melville: Les Enfants Terribles, Orpheus, Quatre sans millions!, When You Read This Letter, Bob le flambeur, and Two Men in Manhattan.
Phil Carlson: The Phenix City Story, Kansas City Confidential, 99 River Street, Hell's Island, The Iroquois Trail, The Brigand, Scandal Sheet, Gunman's Walk, Mask of the Avenger, Lorna Doone, The Texas Rangers, Tight Spot, They Rode West, The Brothers Rico, and 5 Against the House.
Martin Ritt: The Long, Hot Summer, Edge of the City, The Black Orchid, No Down Payment, and The Sound and the Fury.
Louis Malle: Les Amants, Elevator to the Gallows, Crazeologie, and Station 307.
Carol Reed: Our Man in Havana, The Key, Trapeze, The Man Between, A Kid for Two Farthings, and Outcast of the Islands.
Masaki Kobayashi: The Human Condition Trilogy, Youth of the Son, Three Loves, Somewhere Under The Broad Sky, The Spring, Beautiful Days, I Will Buy You, Black River, Sincere Heart, and The Thick-Walled Room.
Stanley Donen: Singin' in the Rain, Seven Brides for Seven Brothers, Royal Wedding, Funny Face, Indiscreet, Damn Yankees, The Pajama Game, Kiss Them for Me, and It's Always Fair Weather.
Gene Kelly: It's Always Fair Weather, Singin' in the Rain, Invitation to the Dance, and The Tunnel of Love.
Ida Lupino: The Hitch-Hiker, Outrage, The Bigamist, and Hard, Fast and Beautiful.
Budd Boetticher: The Tall T, Bullfighter and the Lady, City Beneath the Sea, East of Sumatra, Red Ball Express, Seven Men from Now, The Killer Is Loose, Ride Lonesome, Buchanan Rides Alone, Decision at Sundown, Westbound, The Magnificent Matador, The Man from the Alamo, Seminole, The Cimarron Kid, Killer Shark, Bronco Buster, Wings of the Hawk, and Horizons West.
Andre DeToth: Day of the Outlaw, House of Wax, Man in the Saddle, Riding Shotgun, Crime Wave, Last of the Comanches, Tanganyika, The Bounty Hunter, Hidden Fear, The Indian Fighter, Monkey on My Back, The Two-Headed Spy, Thunder Over the Plains, The Stranger Wore a Gun, Carson City, and Springfield Rifle.
Delmer Daves: 3:10 to Yuma, Broken Arrow, Demetrius and the Gladiators, White Feather, Drum Beat, Treasure of the Golden Condor, Jubal, The Last Wagon, Kings Go Forth, Cowboy, The Badlanders, The Hanging Tree, A Summer Place, Bird of Paradise, and Never Let Me Go.
William A. Wellman: Track of the Cat, The High and the Mighty, Blood Alley, Darby's Rangers, Lafayette Escadrille, Good-bye, My Lady, The Next Voice You Hear..., Westward the Women, Island in the Sky, My Man and I, Across the Wide Missouri, and The Happy Years.
Max Ophüls: La Ronde, The Earrings of Madame de…, Lola Montès, and Le Plaisir.
Delbert Mann: Marty, The Bachelor Party, Desire Under the Elms, Middle of the Night, and Separate Tables.
David Lean: The Bridge on the River Kwai, Madeleine, The Sound Barrier, Summertime, and Hobson's Choice.
Sidney Lumet: 12 Angry Men, That Kind of Woman, and Stage Struck.
submitted by Britneyfan456 to classicfilms [link] [comments]


2020.09.04 16:57 welcometosouthapp Welcome to South App #6: "Greek Invasion"

Friday, September 4th, 2020
I can’t believe Winston’s making me do this on my birthday!
It was sunrise on Gigi’s 19th birthday. She dragged a gas-powered chainsaw across the North Campus quad. An hour earlier, Winston had woken Gigi up with a phone call. “Fetch my chainsaw from under the bed and meet me at the library.Click. Not even a “Happy birthday.”
So, she’d rolled out of bed in a white tank top and baby-blue yoga pants. Call it morbid curiosity. Only Winston could come up with such demands, after all.
Gigi was streaked in oil and sweat. She hobbled to the library entrance and let the hunk of metal fall to the ground. North Campus was a vast expanse of willow trees and solitude at sunrise. But something was very…off.
Suddenly, Winston popped out of the bushes and pointed a pistol at Gigi’s forehead. “You’re alone on campus on a day like today,” he rattled off. “Out of the blue, some hooligan hops out of the bushes and tells you to wring your pockets. But you’re wearing a sundress, so you don’t have any pockets. So instead, he-”
“YEET!” Gigi screamed, kicking Winston’s crotch. He crumbled to the ground, hitting a falsetto.
“Oh...shit! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!”
“Shiiiet, it’s all right,” Winston moaned, rolling over on his back. Gigi’s frowning, pale face eclipsed the rising sun. “Happy birthday. It’s a Smith and Wesson Bodyguard. Too small for me. Be mindful of the trigger-pull and recoil. But I reckon it’s compact enough for your frou-frou jeans.”
“Oh! I...thank you! But why?” The warm gun fit in her small hand like a glove.
Winston stood up. “Hell, you’ve had my back since I got here. I reckon I oughta return the favor. I ain’t the brightest slice of pie in the knife drawer. But as long as you’re the brains, I may as well make due and be the brawn.”
I stole your other gun and our friends stole your fake IDs! is what Gigi wanted to say. “You...make me feel really safe, Winston!” is what she actually said, slipping the gun in her purse.
Winston lifted the chainsaw. “Welp, it’s time to cut some ties. We’ve got a rat in the frat. Some Alpha Beta Kappa brother pretendin’ to be one of us. See that tree down yonder? That’s their secret meet-up spot. And it’s gotta come down.”
ABK, or “All Big Kocks", started as a frat that met in an off-campus apartment. Then, Clyde (son of Dean Dale Crenshaw) took over. Overnight, the funding skyrocketed. This Honors Music Fraternity was BDE’s greatest rival. Live shows every Friday night, a 3.8 GPA entrance criteria, and co-ed. “Why go to any other frat parties?” Clyde would always argue. “When the women are already here?
“So, about this rat,” Gigi mused, following Winston to the tree. “You asked him nicely to leave?”
“Well, let’s just say he’s branded for life. Name was Taggart, and we actually rushed together. Poor bastard.”
The lumberjack revved the chainsaw. His large pecs and biceps bulged under his shirt as he put that smoking-hot metal to work. He’d easily replaced 20 pounds of fat with muscle. And as that hundreds-year-old tree crashed to the ground, Gigi reminded herself to stay on his good side.
“Let’s get the fuck out of here!” Winston yelled, taking off. “They’ll arrest you too! Hell, you’re the one with the filed-off serial number.”
“W-what?!” Gigi’s voice cracked as she sprinted past him.
“Fuckin’ with ya, Gigi.”
Gigi rode shotgun in Winston’s truck. She kicked off her flats and began massaging her sore feet.
“Um...I definitely stink,” Gigi laughed nervously, slipping her shoe back on. That was Winston’s cue to roll the window back up. She reached into her purse and pulled out the huge charcoal bath bomb that she stole from Sarah. “Dear Chadwick Hughes’ spirit: all I want for my birthday is a bath!”
“Hmm.” Winston drove past Firewater Hall toward Greek Row. “You’re a wanted woman,” he reminded her. “If we go to the house, you’re gonna have to sneak in. If Ryan finds ya, he’ll put your head on a pike.”
Ah, Gigi thought. Because we snuck in, punched him out, and blew up his father’s ashes. Seems...fair.
They pulled up to the BDE house and saw Ryan’s white BMW in the driveway. Winston shut off his Roush engine and instinctively pulled Gigi’s head into his lap, hiding her from plain view.
“Here’s the plan, birthday gal. I’ll go upstairs and grab a shower in the guest bathroom. I’ll save ya some hot water. Wait here, and I’ll text ya when everything’s ready.”
Winston slipped inside. Gigi lay across the passenger and driver’s seat. She thought about bailing and driving to Denny’s for free birthday pancakes. But Winston had the keys. And as her sweating, greased-up body melted in that god-awful hot truck, she decided that she really wanted that bath.
Gigi drifted off to sleep. In her dreams, she sat at a kitchen table in a massive Beverly Hills mansion. In front of Winston were a birthday cake and a huge gift bag. “Happy birthday, Winston!” she exclaimed. Winston reached into the bag and pulled out his lost Colt Single Action Army. “Ta-da! It’s your gun!” Then, he pulled out his lost BDE binder. “Ta-da! It’s your fake IDs!” Finally, he reached into the bag and pulled out a pair of yellow and white striped panties with a lacy bow. “Ta-da! It’s my virginity!
Gigi bolted awake to her phone vibrating. A text from Winston. Ready. Use the ladder. She sat up from her puddle of sweat and made her way around the side of the house.
At the top of the raggedy fire escape ladder, Gigi reached the second-story open window. Tea candles lined the shelf of an elegant clawfoot bathtub, filled to the brim with steaming water. Beside the tub was a shower caddy containing a bottle of merlot, a bag of chocolate-covered almonds, several high-end soaps and face masks, and a note.
To my partner in crime: I reckon we managed to evade the law quite a few times since we moved here. Truth is, ain’t no bathtubs in jail. Now, enjoy all this bougie shit that I found in Claire’s room. Happy birthday - Winston.
“He writes just like he speaks,” Gigi whispered, holding the letter to her chest.
Gigi stripped down to her underwear and neatly folded her clothes in a pile. On the floor was Winston’s t-shirt and blue jeans from earlier. I’m sure he’ll wear that again! She slipped off her yellow panties. After some thought, or no thought at all, she stuffed them into the back pocket of his jeans.
Gigi lowered herself into her first college bath. Even the water felt softer and silkier than in the dorm, whose water flowed from lead-flavored pipes. She picked her brain for every get-rich-quick scheme in the book, aspiring to live in such comfort full-time.
I could blackmail Sarah and Tai about that binder, she thought, submerging her head under water. Maybe I can convince them to give me a cut of their profits! So that a poor student like me can buy clothes that aren’t secondhand! But that would mean keeping the fake IDs a secret from Winston and betraying his trust...
Gigi shot up from the water, gasping for breath. She rubbed her eyes and slicked back her jet-black hair. Then, she unwrapped the bath bomb. It fizzled as a milky grey mist clouded her entire bath.
Winston, would you forgive me? Gigi lifted her hand out of the water and read her nearly-faded tattoo. And if I take a cut of their earnings, I’ll buy the cutest outfits to wear for you. I’m-
She lowered her tattooed hand into the cloudy water, where it disappeared between her legs.
“I’m ready for you, Winston.”
***
“Look at this swole son of a bitch!” greeted Brother Twinston, as Winston entered the cozy living room after his shower. They and eight other pledges dressed in white button-downs and tan slacks, adorned with a BDE pin on the collar.
Winston grabbed Twinston in a playful headlock. “I reckon ain’t nobody gonna be able to tell us apart now.”
“I reckon you’re right, stunt double!” Twinston agreed. This young man was a spitting image of Winston in looks and spirit. They had met at a frat party after taking whiskey shots and reaching for the pickle jar at the same time. Bromance at first sight.
“Enough faggotry,” Ryan commanded, walking up the podium by the fireplace. As the de-facto alpha of the room, his pomade-style hair stood taller than everyone else’s. Seven AM on Friday was BDE’s weekly meeting, and brothers were expressly forbidden from taking Friday classes. Because as soon as this was over, the weekend pre-gaming would commence.
“Now, Winston!” Ryan began. “Looks like your sausage fingers got some dirt under your nails. I trust the deed was done?”
“As motherfuckin’ Shakespeare said: the tree fell, nobody was around, and it still made a fuckin’ sound. I reckon ABK’s hideout is being hauled off by a truck as we speak.”
“You’ve never had a way with words,” Ryan pointed out. “But I gotta admit: you get shit done. Now, if another rat wants to show their face, I got no problem burning down their momma’s house. Next on the list. We gotta talk about two of our…ex-members. Claire and Connor. She packed up the rest of her shit and slipped out of here last night. I’ll be posting an application for Social Chair on our Facebook page.”
Last week, after Winston had caught Claire cheating on him with Frank, she had officially stepped down from BDE.
“Hell, let’s break tradition and make it a man, for Christ’s sake!” Twinston piped up. Despite only being a sophomore, he had clout among the senior brothers.
“I’ll consider it,” Ryan said, shrugging. “You know women: always afraid of commitment. Bitch didn’t even give a reason for leaving. Although I’m not gonna lie: I’m gonna miss those tits during strip poker.”
Two muscular black brothers gave each other a crisp high-five.
“Now, onto Connor. Not only did this beta bitch get a DUI, but he had our motherfucking coke on him.” Ryan tossed a bag of red-and-white cocaine on the coffee table. “Now what the fuck did we say about taking coke out of the house?”
“Don’t go to the buyers - let the buyers come to you,” the brothers responded in unison.
“Final topic of conversation,” Ryan announced, holding up a saloon-style wanted poster. “I’d like to announce that I've delivered swift, painful justice to the bastards who stole my father’s ashes.” On that poster were security camera photos of Frank, Tweed, and Chad - their faces X’d out. Next to their images were lo-res pics of Gigi and Sarah. “I’m increasing the bounty to 2500 bucks for whoever brings me the other two cunts.”
This bounty was news to Winston. Nobody knew he was even related to Sarah, or that Gigi was currently bathing upstairs. While the brothers salivated over the reward money, Ryan swiped a fire poker cast with BDE at the tip. “We took those three bastards out to the quad and branded them for life! Sent their bitch-asses packing. But as for these two dumb sluts...I think they were the masterminds of the whole goddamn plan. I say we tie ‘em down and apply directly to the forehead!”
“Yeah, man, fuck these ho’s,” Winston played along. “They did your daddy wrong. But real talk, I say we track ‘em down and exile them from the fuckin’ campus for life. Ain’t no use in getting thrown in jail for assault. Hell, that’s where those bitches belong.”
“Winston, I’m disappointed in you, chief,” Ryan said condescendingly, slamming the poker on the fireplace with a loud clank. He walked over to Winston and stood eye-to-eye with him. Dead silence. Finally, Ryan cracked a douchey grin.
“All right, all right,” Ryan chuckled. “I’ll go easy on ‘em...that is, if they drop to their knees and suck every last drop from us until they fucking drown!”
The brothers roared like animals, chanting Ryan’s name as he ripped open the bag of red-and-white cocaine. Winston forced a painful smile as the nausea set in. Ryan leaned over the coffee table and proceeded to snort his usual Friday-morning line.
“WHO’S GOT MOTHERFUCKING BIG DICKS?” Ryan screamed psychotically.
“WE DO!” the brothers yelled, banging their chests.
“AND ON MY DEAD DAD’S GRAVE! IF ANYBODY CROSSES BETA DELTA EPSILON, WE’LL DISEMBOWEL THEM AND SHIT DOWN THEIR THROATS!”
Ryan flipped over the glass coffee table, shattering it into pieces.
***
The massive South Campus quad was speckled with students playing ultimate frisbee, strumming guitars, and pretending to study. It was Tai’s happy place. Ever since Jacky turned him loose, he and Sarah had been practicing Krav Maga during sunset. A zen-like hobby that helped him clear his mind and shrink his erection.
Tai landed a shaky roundhouse kick as he spotted a young lady in the corner of his eye.
“I’ve got your rematch, Sarah,” Tai jeered, landing a sloppy jump-spinning crescent kick. But as he stuck the landing, he witnessed Gigi in a traditional kimono and a chopstick bun.
“I accept your challenge in Sarah’s stead!” Gigi cheered, bowing deeply.
“Wait...huh? Where’s Sarah?”
“Ah, in celebration of my 6,939th day on Planet Earth, she elected to maintain a record of meeting notes in my dreadful Comparative Literature enrichment!”
A blank stare from Tai as he slowly shifted into a guarding stance.
“I mean...it’s my fucking birthday, so she went to class for me!” She kicked off her flats and crouched into a grappling stance. “Now, will you hand over a third of your fake ID profits? Or will I have to spill the Bush’s Bourbon and Brown Sugar baked beans to Winston?”
“W-what?! Who told you?”
“Hmmm...twas but a whisper in the wind - a grape from the vine!” Gigi inched toward Tai, who cautiously backed up.
“Okay, look...don’t, um, don’t do anything drastic! We’re gonna pay it back to him, I promise. If you think about it, we’re just doing the work for him. It’s just that...well, it’s been a tough week so we can’t really afford to give you that kind of money!”
“As you wish. I’ll have to beat it out of you instead!”
Tai threw a lunging side kick. But the swift Gigi virtually teleported behind him. She jammed her thumbs into the tender spot below his ears.
“Fool, a petite fighter such as myself must play defensively,” Gigi bragged, regrouping. “I’ve been watching you. Looks like those kicks have thrown you off balance, Mister Flat Foot!”
“You can kiss that ID money goodbye,” Tai scoffed, rubbing his pressure points.
“That’s perfectly fine, grasshopper! I don’t intend to ask for it.”
Tai side-stepped and tried for a sweep kick. Gigi raised her leg over her head like a Chinese gymnast. He fell forward from his own momentum, but Gigi pressed her foot against his face to stop the fall. She wiggled her toes, then gave him a firm roundhouse to the side of the head. Tai fell back onto the grass. As he lost his breath, she wrapped her arms and legs around him from behind. A rear-naked chokehold that Sarah would've been damn proud of.
“Jaleo gada, jaleo gada, jaleo gada,” Gigi cooed in Korean, squeezing his windpipe. And “go to sleep” he did.
Ten minutes later, Tai sat up with a start, drenched in sweat. A ring of students surrounded him.
“Break it up, dudes and dudettes!” Sarah exclaimed, forcing her way through the crowd. The students dispersed as she helped the oblivious Tai to his feet.
“Oh...fuck,” Tai groaned. He fumbled for his minimalist metal wallet. Six-hundred dollars in cash was gone.
“You got robbed, my guy?” Sarah asked, kigh as a hite.
“That’s not even the half of it. This is bad. I have a lot to explain to you.”
Tai recapped his encounter with Gigi, while he and Sarah sipped lattes on the library’s top floor.
“Holy mother of balls,” Sarah whispered after Tai explained Gigi’s blackmailing.
“Look, maybe we come clean. Do you think you can talk to Winston?”
“Not a chance in Woodstock,” Sarah replied, frantically shaking her dreadlocks. “My brother’s all about loyalty first. He’d cut my hair while I was asleep and he’d circumcise you while you were awake.”
Tai instinctively covered his crotch as they stopped at a bulletin board. “So...we’re Gigi’s bitches," said Tai. "If we owe her a cut every time we make a sale, we’ve gotta find a better market.” On cue, he swiped a flyer from the bulletin board. TONIGHT: Alpha Beta Kappa proudly presents the Housewarming Masquerade. $10 cover. All students welcome.
***
The good ole’ southern twins stood on the wrap-around porch, whiskey in hand.
“Look, brother,” Twinston started, patting Winston’s back. “I’ve known Ryan for a year. I know he can get a little...impulsive with his words. But that don’t mean he’s impulsive with his actions. You’re worried about them two girls, aren’t ya?”
Winston was one text message away from telling Gigi and Sarah to flee campus. During last month’s frat party, he had never thought to question why Frank and Gigi had shown up in the first place. It never occurred to him that they were there to blow Ryan’s father’s legacy to smithereens.
Ryan stumbled out in a bright red bathrobe that matched his stuffy, red nose. “Shit, I almost forgot to ask ya, Winston,” he slurred. “I meant to collect your fake ID money for this week.”
Winston was so close to coming clean. Some jack-off stole the binder! he wanted to say. But the punishment for having lost it would be swift and fierce. So, he reached into his wallet and pulled out 600 bucks, straight from his own student loan account.
“Geez, tough week again, huh?” Ryan jeered, snatching the cash. “Where have you been trying to sell them?”
“Oh, you know...the regular beats,” Winston lied. “I reckon I ain’t gonna hit the library on weekdays no more.”
“The library?” Twinston repeated, bewildered. “Shit, what’s it like in there? Ain’t never been.”
“Not your brightest moment, I’m not gonna lie,” Ryan chuckled at Winston. “But, at least you learned your lesson for next week.” Winston nodded, taking it on the chin. If he had to make another withdraw, there wouldn’t be a “next week.” Winston had to find that ID thief.
“Whoa, what the hell?” Twinston pointed at a fleet of U-Haul vans, led by a 2021 silver BMW. They watched as the vehicles pulled into the driveway of the empty frat house next door.
“Holy fucking shit,” Ryan gasped. “It’s motherfucking Alpha Beta Kappa.”
The bald driver opened the butterfly doors. Thick marijuana smoke trickled out of the car. The passenger doors sprang up, and out hopped a freckle-faced redhead with a pornstar body. She brought a wheelchair over to the driver’s side and helped the bald guy into the seat. Then, she marveled at the huge mansion and jumped up and down in her stilettos, her huge breasts bouncing in her tight corset. She rushed into the new house, pausing to give Winston a quick glance before she entered.
Another redhead, huh? Winston thought. My favorite flavor.
The bald guy rolled over to the BDE house in his wheelchair, a present in his lap. His large biceps and tattoos were on full display in his worn Guns N’ Roses sleeveless tee. His jeans were bleached and destroyed and his black Converse were spotless.
“What’s up, neighbors?” the paraplegic spoke in a loud, baritone voice. He handed the present to Ryan. “I’m Clyde, President of Alpha Beta Kappa. Looks like we’re gonna be seeing a whole lot of each other.”
“Uh...yeah, my name’s Ryan.” He extended a hand while using the other to dab his bloody nose. “So...I thought Tri-Delt leased the house next door.”
“I assume you know sororities almost as well as I do. Truth is: women are too damn afraid of commitment. You gonna open that present or what?”
Ryan slipped off the bow and tore the wrapping paper. It was a penis pump.
“Now, let me lay down some ground rules for you and your twins,” Clyde continued, straightening his posture in the chair. “There’s only room for one big dick on Greek Row. Now you may think you have a big dick. But there’s a gang of nine-inch fresh-cut cocks in town.”
Clyde whistled with his fingers. The U-Haul truck doors rolled up. And out came a cavalry of ABK brothers, hauling furniture toward the house as they chanted “All Big Kocks!” Like pallbearers, they each grabbed a corner of expensive sofas, desks, and beds. Posing on top of each piece of furniture was a topless ABK sister. The brothers escorted them like royalty into the soon-to-be furnished mansion.
Clyde unfolded a flyer from his back pocket and handed it to Ryan. “Bring your asses tonight. There are plenty more tits where those came from.” It was an invitation to the ABK Housewarming Masquerade. Clyde swiveled around and rolled back on over to his new house. “By the way!” Clyde called out. “I don’t condone Taggart for spying on y’all like he did! I don’t care who you work for: a rat is a rat!”
“That’s bullshit,” Ryan whispered. He knew good and well that Taggart’s spying was planned and coordinated by Clyde himself. “If they’re gonna spy on us, we’re gonna do the same fuckin’ thing to them.”
“Sit back and relax,” Winston finally broke his silence, standing tall next to his doppelganger. “My twin and I will crash this party and dig up as much dirt as possible.”
“And he and I are the only two who can be in two places at once,” Twinston added.
“Then we infiltrate tonight!” Ryan announced. “Because gentlemen, Greek Row is a pair of tight spandex trunks. And there’s only room for one big dick.”
***
Watching Tai work was amazing.
At the ABK Masquerade, the masked Sarah sat at the bar in the massive concert venue. Clyde’s 90’s cover band was onstage. Like clockwork, the masked Tai would sniff out gay clientele, grab a fake ID from the binder, approach him, make out with him on the dance floor, and come back with a fistful of dollars.
“I’m averaging one sale per song,” Tai panted, wiping somebody’s lipstick from his mouth. “Here, hit me with another ID!”
“You do know this is borderline prostitution, my dude?”
“I...yes.”
Prostitution or not, they racked up a thousand bucks in the first hour. And with Gigi taking a cut of their sales, they were going to need that extra money to keep this operation afloat.
“Take a break, will ya?” Sarah suggested, patting the barstool next to her.
The freckle-faced redhead from Clyde’s BMW was bartending. She wore bright blue fairy wings, a lacy corset, and a glittery half-mask. “Two lemon drops, my loves,” she cooed in a Scottish accent, setting the drinks on the bar. “Aw, I love how comfy you two look!”
Tai and Sarah were dressed down in South App hoodies and yoga pants: items that every female or gay student owned. The goal was to not stand out while selling fake IDs. And yet, they had failed to wear masks.
“I prefer to dress like I do around the house,” the fairy said with a smile, fluttering off to help the next patron.
Outside, Winston and Twinston - the twin spies - walked up the ABK steps in matching button-downs, slacks, and white opera masks. They psyched each other up. The “Who’s got big dicks? We’ve got big dicks!” standard affair. Suddenly, a pack of drunk girls stormed out the front door and spilled an entire glass of cranberry vodka on Winston’s khakis. “Suck it up, buttercup!” she slurred, stumbling off with her posse. Co-ed fraternity girls were a different breed.
“Shit,” Winston muttered, looking down at the mess.
“Better go change, brother,” Twinston suggested. “I’mma gather some intel until you get back.”
Winston retreated to the BDE house while Twinston entered the party alone. He stood at the entrance, absorbing the nostalgia of the 90’s rock set. Permanently-seated Clyde was on drums. A crowd of groupies sang along up front while everyone else gathered on the dance floor.
“Jack and Coke,” Twinston told the fairy bartender. “If you have time.”
From the dance floor, Tai and Sarah were casually mingling and making fake ID sales. They were also people-watching. “It’s fucking uncanny,” Tai began, pointing at Twinston from afar.
“I’m telling you, that’s not Winston,” Sarah argued. “If you want proof, ask him to drop his pants. My brother has a birthmark on his upper-left ass cheek.”
“W-what?!”
“That dude could fool almost anyone though. But a sister always knows.”
Suddenly, all eyes shot toward the front door. In walked a young South Korean student in a baby-blue evening dress. Trailing behind her was a long, ornate satin train. The side-splitting fabric exposed her white-laced garter belt that ran from her thighs to her matching open-toed high heels. Instantly, she won the room.
Clyde hit the final snare, ending his Jane’s Addiction cover. “Well, don’t just stand there, princess!” Clyde called out to the woman, beckoning her onstage with a drumstick. “Come on up and introduce yourself.”
Princess Gigi obliged, but not before giving Tai and Sarah a passing glance. “I hope you’re on your A-game with those sales,” she whispered with a devious grin. “Because I need money for a red dress just like this one!”
Sarah tugged on Tai’s sleeve. “Let’s get the fuck out of here!” she hissed. “Hey...uh bartender?”
“I’m Miri,” the Scottish redhead responded. “But I bid you call me Miri.”
“Miri, care to point us to the back door?”
Tai and Sarah slipped through the kitchen and out the back door. Miri kept pouring for thirsty patrons, all while eyeing this Korean bombshell on stage.
“Um...hi, everyone!” Gigi greeted, while the seated Clyde held the microphone to her mouth. “It’s my birthday today, and...I’m sober! Who wants to help me change that?”
Every man on the dance floor cheered like Quentin Tarantino with a glass slipper. Their girlfriends gave Gigi dirty looks, holding their men close. Clyde leaned into her ear. “Don’t let me catch you paying for a single drop tonight.” He turned around and rolled back to the drum set. He clicked his sticks and began a Chili Peppers cover. The party was back underway.
“Another Jack and Coke,” Twinston requested from Miri. “Make it a double-shot.” From the bar, he’d watched the entire spectacle. Now, Gigi was walking over to him.
“Please read,” Gigi said, plopping down next to Twinston. She slipped the thin fabric of her dress to the side, exposing a pale white thigh. Then, she reached under her garter belt for a letter. She slid it across the bar, showing off her baby-blue painted nails. Twinston peeled off the heart-shaped sticker and unfolded the letter. Written in cursive was the most kinky, depraved to-do list of sex acts he had ever seen. At the bottom was a signed statement: For my birthday I, Ji-hye “Gigi” Moon, hereby sign my virginity over to Winston Arnold Beavers.
Clearly, Gigi had the wrong man.
As soon as Miri returned with Twinston's drink, Gigi swiped it. She sipped her first taste of whiskey through a straw, her bedroom eyes growing wider and wider. She slammed the glass of ice on the bar. Then, she leaned into Twinston’s ear and passed an ice cube from her mouth to his.
“Hey, uh...bartender?” Twinston stammered, as Gigi ran her tongue across his fuzzy beard.
“Back door’s through the kitchen,” Miri laughed in a Scottish accent as she watched the flirtatious pair.
Twinston grabbed Gigi’s hand and jetted out of there. If Winston caught them, he’d impale them with his chainsaw and cut the engine on. So they cut across the back yard and entered Twinston’s first-floor bedroom through the window. She immediately slipped out of her dress, leaving on nothing but the heels and garter belt. And as the masked girl spread her legs, Twinston kept telling himself that this was consensual.
***
Winston entered the ABK house in a filthy pair of blue jeans from that morning. The crowd waved their lighters while Clyde’s band played Semisonic’s “Closing Time.” Seeing as it was last call, Winston made a bee-line for the bar. “I’ll have a Jack and Coke, Miss,” Winston said to Miri, tipping his hat. “If you have time.”
Miri cocked her head, her wings and eyebrows twitching. “Wait...what’s going on?” she asked, taken aback by Winston’s twin from five minutes earlier.
“Alcoholism, that’s what,” Winston chuckled. “Why, I reckon you’ve just seen a ghost. Wanna have a drink with me to calm the spirits?” He was here to gain ABK intel. But her freckled face, wavy red hair, and Scottish accent were definitely a bonus.
“Apparently so!” Miri laughed, her breasts bouncing up and down in that tight corset. “Tell you what: I’ll toast with ya.”
Miri poured Winston’s Jack and Coke and the umpteenth cranberry vodka of the night. But like the mystical fairy creature she was, she garnished her drink with a handful of blueberries, a splash of lemon juice, and a basil leaf.
“Seventy-nine,” Winston randomly said as they clinked glasses across the bar.
“Hmmm?”
“Seventy-nine. I reckon that’s how many freckles you have on your face.”
“Ah...well, let’s see. I've never counted before. But on my whole body? Well...we’re definitely in quadruple digits.” Miri leaned in close, the scent of gin and spearmint on her breath. “If you want to take me to my room and count them, I can do 150 an hour. That is, if you’re a fast counter.”
Winston chuckled, then slipped something into her henna-tattooed hand. “I mighty appreciate it. But I’d rather ya tell me a little bit about this place. Thinkin’ about pledging.” A lie, of course.
Without missing a beat, Miri slapped a bag of blue-and-white cocaine on the bar. “Tell ya what: you try ours and I’ll try yours.” Right in front of everyone, she opened the bag of red-and-what cocaine and split it into lines.
Winston’s jaw dropped. It was all coming together in his slow-churning mind. Taggart and ABK had been gathering intel to corner the entire fucking college cocaine market. While Miri dropped her head to do a line, Winston slipped his rival’s cocaine into his pocket. All right, I’ve got what I came for. No thanks to Twinston. Time to report back to Ryan.
“Yo, the concert’s over but the night has just fucking begun!” Clyde announced on the mic. “Ladies only: get your asses to the center of the dance floor. You know what time it is!”
Miri’s head shot up from her third line of cocaine. She released an orgasmic Scottish moan. Then, this mystical fairy pranced into the center of the room, spun on her heel, and gave a curtsey in her outfit.
What the hell is going on? Winston thought, sipping his whiskey. He reached into his back pocket for a napkin and felt something else instead. Slowly, he held Gigi’s lacy yellow panties in front of his face. Miri, how the hell did you put this in my pocket without me noticing? Hell, I reckon this bitch is a fairy after all.
“DJ, hit the music!” Clyde commanded. Fergie’s “London Bridge” blared through the speakers and rang across Greek Row. The tipsy Miri swayed her hips to the violent bass beat, shedding her wings. Applause erupted from the crowd.
“Now just what are we to do about this corset?” Miri cooed, puckering her lower lip.
“Take it off!” the brothers chanted. And she did. Winston instantly realized that her “1000-freckles” estimate was correct.
“Lose that skirt!” the crowd commanded.
Winston nervously tapped his foot. Not because he was afraid of seeing a naked woman. That road was heavily-traveled and full of potholes. But Miri was drunk, and nobody was doing a damn thing about it. She hooked her thumbs beneath her pink-and-blue skirt and pulled it down to her ankles. No underwear, and a hundred more freckles on Winston’s scoreboard.
“Make yourself decent, moron!” Winston called out, sling-shotting the yellow panties across the room to Miri. She reached up and caught them, red-eyed high and shit-faced drunk. “These…these aren’t mine. But they sure are cute!”
What?! Who the fuck do they belong to then? And why the fuck were they in my pocket?!
Regardless, Miri slipped into the tight panties. She gave a polite curtsy and fluttered away through the kitchen and out the back door.
“Yo, what the fuck man?” Clyde raged as he watched the action from his wheelchair. “You fuckin’ scared her off! DJ, cut the music!”
Fergie stopped singing and all eyes fell on Winston. He took a deep breath and boldly stepped into the center of the dance floor. “She was fucking wasted, partner. Are y’all really gonna make her do all that?”
“It doesn’t fucking matter,” Clyde seethed. “It’s Friday: we drink, and Miri strips. She’s a whore. And that’s what whores do. Who the fuck do you think you are anyway? S-s-somebody take off his mask!”
But Winston removed his own mask and tossed it on the floor. There he was: invading ABK just as the phony Mississippian Taggart had invaded BDE.
“Leave it to a Beta to look for pussy at an Alpha’s party!” Clyde jeered over the mic. “Can you all believe this white-knight faggot tried to stand up for a fuckin’ whore?”
Winston couldn’t resist a comeback. It was too easy. “At least I can actually stand, you fucking cretin.”
Every single hand covered a gasping mouth. Winston turned and walked into the kitchen, building up to a sprint out the back door. Rabid yells from behind as he cut across BDE’s back yard, dashing past rows of trees and street lights to the end of Greek Row. At the dimly-lit street sign, he collapsed into the grass.
Winston, ya done fucked up now.
“Yo, you okay, bro?” somebody called out.
Winston looked up and saw two douchey frat boys carrying acoustic guitars. Before he could get up, one of them had already hoisted him to his feet. He winced as he put pressure on a sprained ankle.
“You had way too much, my man!” Guitar Guy 1 said. “And it’s not even nine yet. Gotta pace yourself!”
“Yeah, man,” agreed Guitar Guy 2, brushing grass off Winston’s shoulder. “Hey, why don’t you come with us to Alpha Beta Kappa’s party? I hear our president’s band is fuckin’ killing it tonight.”
Winston felt his soul leave his body. Suddenly, Guitar Guy 1’s phone rang.
“Hello?” Guitar Guy 1 answered his phone. “Hey, what’s up, Clyde. Yeah, yeah, we’re almost there. We’ve got our guitars and...huh? Oh shit, you talking ‘bout the guy dressed like a cowboy? Yeah, man, he’s right here. Drunk as fuck, I’ll tell ya h’what. Wait, what? He said what to you? No, fuck that. FUCK. THAT! Yeah, man, we’re gonna take care of him right the fuck now!”
Winston slowly backed up to the street sign, a hot pain searing through his ankle. Running was out of the question.
“You so much as move, we aim for the head,” said Guitar Guy 2, shouldering his weapon.
Winston placed his back to the street sign and sank to a seated position. He looked up at the fretted assailants. Not with fear, but with acceptance. “I know all about your frat’s cocaine operation. And all I gotta say: I’m gonna run it into the motherfuckin’ ground.”
Guitar Guy 1 went for a cross slice, cracking the guitar against Winston’s head. He bled before he hit the grass in a fetal position. His body convulsed in a seizure.
“Yo, no face shots!” Guitar Guy 2 screamed, kicking Winston in the ribs to vent his frustration. He brought his ax above his head and hammered down on his gut. Winston released the death cry of a wounded gazelle. But instead of delivering that final blow, the Guitar Guys looked at one another and nodded. Then, they dropped their pastel board shorts and proceeded to piss on Winston’s wounds from head to toe.
“Look at the sign and tell me what the fuck it says, cuck!” Guitar Guy 1 yelled, stomping his face with his boat shoes one last time. They zipped up their shorts and ran off. A groaning Winston wiped his bloody, sopping-wet face and looked up at the sign. Crenshaw Ave. Just like his father’s legacy, Clyde was here to stay.
Winston blacked out.
***
It wasn’t rape. It was my choice. It wasn’t rape. It was my choice. It. Was. My choice.
Gigi stared at her reflection in the dorm room mirror. Tears and mascara flowed down her face, streaking her cleavage and her wrinkled gown. With fumbling hands, she unwrapped a Plan B Morning-After Pill and slipped it between her dry, chapped lips. She cupped some water into her hand and swallowed, gripping the edges of the sink as she looked back at the defiled girl in the mirror. Hours earlier, she had been pure. Now, she stank of sweat, Walmart-brand musk, and a stranger’s bodily fluids. It was only when Twinston had taken off his mask that she’d realized she had made love to a man she did not know.
Only minutes to midnight. Soon, the wrinkled evening gown would disappear, and Gigi would be reduced to dirty rags and cloths. “This...this is certainly the kind of dress I would want to die in,” she told her reflection, forcing a smile as she permitted tears to flow freely.
A fall from the seventh story would surely kill Gigi. She envisioned her mangled corpse on the gnarled roots below. Then, she feverishly latched onto something to keep her alive for one more day.
Froyo! Tomorrow was the grand opening of the local frozen yogurt joint. I’ll get to choose my favorite sugary toppings to pile on my watermelon sorbet. But tonight, I didn't choose to have sex with that man. It was not. My. Fault.
Gigi’s phone rang. It was Sarah. “Gigi, get your ass down to the third floor - quick!
Gigi flew down the stairs, tripping over a few drunk students in the process. She stood in the doorway of Room 309, where a bloodied cowboy lay his head in Sarah’s lap. Tai sat on the futon, handing Sarah gauze and rubbing alcohol from the first aid kit.
“Gigi,” Winston mumbled. He lifted his head, then set it back down as he erupted into a coughing fit. “You look...great. Not as sexy as my sister though. But I’m from the South, so it’s family first. Roll tide...”
Sarah and Gigi smiled weakly, seeing how Winston was slowly returning back to normal. But Gigi’s smile turned to shock as she got a closer look at his face. One eye was swollen shut and bleeding from the corner. A large knot on his head oozed pus, even as Sarah frequently dabbed it with a tissue. His twitching body hinted at the lacerations and bruises beneath his bloody t-shirt. And through Winston’s smile, he was missing a bottom tooth.
“Everybody fucking leave!” Gigi exploded, dropping to her knees and laying her head on Winston’s chest. He winced at first, but slowed his breathing as she held his hand. She sobbed her eyes out, soaking Winston’s shirt and beard.
“Gigi, look,” Tai said, placing a hand on her shoulder. “Winston needs all of us right now. Not just-”
Gigi fetched the 22-caliber pistol from her purse and slammed it on the tile floor. “I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT! OUT, OUT, OUT!”
Winston’s heart raced as Gigi squeezed his hand with all her might. “It’s all my fault,” she whispered, as if they were already alone. “If only I let you keep your gun, you could have defended yourself.”
“Buddy, that just ain’t plum-fuckin’ true. Ain’t nobody’s fault but mine. I talked shit and got hit.”
Sarah and Tai quietly slipped out the door, most likely to count their fake ID earnings.
Gigi positioned Winston’s head on her lap and ran her small hands through his messy brown hair. “This ain’t the first time you caught me covered in piss. Reckon it won’t be the last.”
Gigi giggled. “I’ll...I’ll be here all night to protect you.” She clutched the gun with one hand and ran her fingers through his hair with the other. “And we can wash your hair in the morning.”
“Thanks, buddy. I reckon I done gots me a few enemies now. So...ya ain’t gonna let the piss fairies sneak in and give me a golden shower...are ya?”
“I...I won’t let you down!” Gigi laughed, gripping the gun. “And if the pee bandits come around here, I’ll politely escort their hind keisters a third-of-a-dozen floors north, where their skin shall bubble under the 100 Kelvin internal temperature of our antiquated heating and cooling apparatus!”
“Shit,” Winston moaned, closing his eyes and drifting off to sleep. “If they don’t fix your AC sooner or later...you may have to move down here and live with me.”
While Winston rested, Gigi stood watch all night. She forgot all about what Twinston had done to her. Misery loved company. And while Gigi never wished for anything bad to happen to Winston, his timing couldn’t have been better.
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2020.08.31 17:31 Meda31Aug1l Bo-y Ea-ting G-irl Out Po-rn Ty

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2020.08.26 17:40 welcometosouthapp Spying on men naked girls

Wednesday, August 26th, 2020
After a ten-day cheese binge, Gigi had gained ten pounds.
That didn’t stop Frank, the Italian Stallion, from picking her up and pinning her to the dorm room wall. They began making out in their underwear for the first time.
“Um...do you have a condom?” Gigi whispered as Frank lifted her up.
“But soft, my dear! Why, I carry the finest lambskins in the land. Made from the intestines of the most supple virgin sheep.”
Frank squeezed her thighs while sliding his tongue down her throat. But after holding her up for so long, his arms began to tremble.
“Maybe we can take it on the bed?” Gigi laughed nervously. “I guess I’m well on the way to the Freshman 15. Woo-hoo!”
Frank tossed the 130-pound Gigi onto the beanbag chair. He straddled her, reaching behind her back to unclasp her bra.
“On second thought, maybe not,” Gigi mouthed, gently pushing his hands away.
“But ask you did - did you not?”
“I...I like you, Frank,” Gigi admitted. “But on a sweaty bean bag chair in a dorm room? It’s...not what I have in mind for my first time!”
“Woe is me! Alas, my sexual and culinary advances remain unrequited.”
Sure enough, Frank was supposed to have cooked dinner for Gigi that previous Friday. But once she’d found out lasagna was on the menu, Gigi had promptly faked the flu. Following her secret cheese dinner with Winston, she had secretly sampled nearly every type of cheese in Buncombe County. And cottage cheese, an ingredient in Frank’s lasagna, was her least favorite. Hard pass.
Gigi slipped into her tight blue jeans and white Beavers hoodie. “Um...looks like I shall depart for class!”
“Next time, shall I conduct myself differently?”
Gigi smiled meekly. “Come as you are, Frank. We’ll try sex again in three months!”
On the 300 Hall, a naked Claire stood handcuffed to the top bunk from behind. She bit her shoulder to muffle her moan as a shiver rattled her body. An also-naked Winston stood up from his knees.
“Mmm...let’s, like, totally do it already!” Claire panted, sweat dripping down her bangs.
It would be Winston’s and Claire’s first time. And he had planned ahead with the help of a little blue pill. “Ah, right,” he grunted. “I reckon I’ll go get a Jimmy hat.”
Winston opened his desk drawer, reminded that his prized fake ID collection was missing. Whoever took it, your ass is grass, Winston thought. Then, while Claire wasn’t looking, he popped a Cialis in his mouth - his second pill in an hour. For good measure, he cracked open a can of Red Bull and chugged.
“Wow,” Claire cooed, looking down at it. “You must be, like, getting ready for a bonafide marathon with me!”
“Your satisfaction is 100% guaranteed or your money back, ma’am.”
But as soon as Winston opened Claire’s legs, it happened.
A metric fuck-ton of caffeine and testosterone coursed through his veins. His pulse sank from one head to another. Target locked: Claire. She gasped in surprise. And Winston’s fragile ego, along with something else, deflated.
“Hashtag OMG,” Claire whispered, more embarrassed than Winston. “It’s, like, totally okay! It looks like we, like, had a little too much foreplay.”
Winston, dead-eyed and stone-faced, put on an old pair of Wrangler jeans and a red flannel. “I...need to give a presentation for class.”
“Oh! Like, good luck! Do you think you can, like, get me a towel?”
Winston grabbed his damp, musky shaving towel and tossed it to Claire. “Wait!” Claire called out as Winston stepped into the hallway. “You forget the-”
The door slammed.
“-Handcuff key.” Alone in Winston’s room, she stared at the key on his desk. “Hey, Siri!” she called out to her iPhone. “Call the Italian Stallion on speaker.”
Frank answered. “Ah, Claire: the woman with fire in thy loins. Shan’t you be in class at this time?”
“You’re, like, too silly! Mornings are for sobering up, not classing. Anywho, Winston I and totally ended our morning...prematurely.”
“Methinks you and Winston hath made more progress than Gigi and yours truly.”
“Aw, you poor thing!” Claire teased, sticking out her lower lip. “Tell you what. My hands are, like, tied right now. Hashtag literally! Wanna come up to Winston’s room and take advantage of me?”
***
At 8 AM Econ class, Jacky, Tai, Sarah, and Evelyn sat in the back of the massive lecture hall. While the professor rambled on about exponential growth, Jacky flipped through the binder of fake IDs.
“On the real, we’re not selling fake IDs,” Jacky declared, pulling out an one that favored the Latina teaching assistant. “We’re selling freedom, the way God always intended it.”
“Well put, Cali,” said Sarah. “Looks like you’ve dethroned Frank as the poet in our posse.”
“Whoa, let’s not get crazy,” Tai chuckled. “Unlike us peasants, Francisco is a Sicilian king.”
“If you love him so much, why don’t you just marry him, broseph,” Jacky snapped. Tai looked down like a shameful dog. Jacky held his grey-eyed stare like an Olympian. Finally, he burst out into laughter. “I’m just dogging you, scaredy-cat! Gotta keep you on your toes or this college junk will get stale.”
“College fucking sucks,” Evelyn chimed in, cranking the volume on her Mickey Avalon song. “It’s all a scam.”
The charismatic Jacky swiped an ID of a girl who looked like a preppy version of Evelyn. “Sounds like you need a new perspective, dudette. In college, you can be anybody you want to be. On the real, that’s why in the past 10 days, I’ve sold 25 IDs alone.”
Tai raised his eyebrows. “Twenty-fucking five? Not too shabby.”
“Oh, did I say 25? I meant that I sold 25 IDs to people in this room alone. Heck, the real total is somewhere around...200.”
Their jaws were on the floor. Jacky pulled out a roll of 100-dollar bills from his cargo shorts. He fanned the cash, then divvied a few bills to each of them.
“That’s 500 apiece each,” Jacky declared. “Just as a show of good faith that this operation won’t be a waste of our time.”
“Holy shit,” Sarah whispered, stuffing the money in her purse. “That’s almost enough goddamn cash for...half a textbook!”
“True that, but God’s last name is not damn,” Jacky hissed.
“Wait, how much money have you made so far?” Tai asked, reaching down and holding Jacky’s hand.
Plenty more,” Jacky whispered, inviting them to get close. “Look at all of God’s lost sheep in this room. Investing all this time and money to make this kind of money appear. Heck, we can do it much faster, dude and dudettes. We can take our operation straight to Beleavers.”
Jacky was referring to the Methodist youth group that met in the Chadwick Learning Center each Wednesday. Students of all faiths, colors, creeds, and M.O.’s were welcome - if only for the campus-renowned free popcorn.
“Ugh, organized religion is a farce,” Evelyn groaned, putting her headphones back in.
“Then you should have no problem taking their money,” Sarah said, yanking her earbud out.
“Exactamundo,” Jacky declared as the professor dismissed class. “Just picture all those students walking around with Mommy and Daddy’s tithe money. All we need to do is earn their business. Let’s get there early tonight and set up a vendor table. Sarah, Evelyn: we need a front. What can you sell?”
“I can sell my collection of human bones from my graveyard raids,” Evelyn offered casually.
They all stared at Evelyn in silence. “H-how about we make homemade bath bombs instead?” Sarah suggested casually.
“Perfect,” Jacky declared. “Tai and I will go to the dorm kitchen and whip up some baked goods. They’ll come for the snacks and leave with new identities.”
“Gravy,” Sarah said, flashing a peace sign. “Now, Evelyn and I have a rematch to settle.”
“Mario Kart?” Tai asked.
“Nah, grappling on the quad.” Sarah snatched Evelyn in a headlock and tickled her stomach. Evelyn burst out laughing, then tapped out. The two friends left the lecture hall.
“On the real, your hippie friend has a lot of nerve leading her on like that,” Jacky said, packing up his books.
“Eh, Sarah’s made it clear that she doesn’t like girls. Or...anybody for that matter.”
“Well, from one gay to another: Sarah’s full of horse crap.”
“Dude, they’re friends! And Evelyn’s not holding out for anything more.”
Jacky cocked his head as the last few students left the lecture hall. “What about us, Tai? Are we just friends?”
Tai leaned in to kiss him. Jacky kissed back harder, slipping his hand beneath Tai’s nylon shorts. Tai tossed his head back, pacing his breaths.
“Try to hold out as long as you can,” Jacky whispered, nibbling his neck. “I don’t want this to end…prematurely.”
“Hold out, huh?” Tai moaned between breaths. “Fuck...guess I gotta...uh, think about Evelyn the demon or something. That’s a turnoff...uh, am I right?”
“Seriously?” Jacky mumbled. “I’m trying to please you, and you’re gonna talk about another woman? Just stop talking.”
My boyfriend’s a hard nut to crack, Tai thought. Yes, it was true that Jacky had been a cocky, jealous, holier-than-thou douche during the whole class. He’s shallow. But God, his hand feels so good. So Tai let Jacky California finish. And afterward, Tai felt like the shallow one. For letting somebody kiss, caress, and fondle him when he knew for damn sure that they had nothing in common.
***
“And in conclusion,” said a female brunette. “That’s why multicultural cuisine is integral to improving the health of obese Americans in our nation. Thank you!”
“Delightful,” exclaimed Dr. Cartwright: Winston’s female Public Speaking professor. The student thanked her, then returned to her desk in the small Learning Center classroom. Today’s topic: Describe how multiculturalism has changed your life.
“Next up: Winston Beavers,” Dr. Cartwright announced. “Ah, quite a fitting last name, if I do say so myself.”
“Much obliged, ma’am.” Winston tipped his cowboy hat. “No one liked my last name until I became a student at South App.” He walked to the front of the classroom carrying two large foam boards.
“Oh! Somebody chose to use props, I see.”
“I was always a visual learner myself.” Winston set the foam boards up on tripods. “Ever since I was a little shit...um, I mean child, I always had a knack for pictures instead of words. I reckon ain’t much changed since then.”
“That’s very...insightful, Winston. Please begin whenever you’re ready.”
Two huge images were printed on the foam boards. One was a high-res photo of a revolver. The other was a simple stock photo of a 3-ring binder.
“Ladies and gents, when I enrolled last month, two precious items were stolen from me.” Winston pulled out a cigarette and pointed at each of the photos. “Exhibit A: my Colt Single Action Army revolver, gifted to me by my daddy. And Exhibit B: a top-secret binder, gifted to me by the fine folks from Beta Delta Epsilon.”
“Who’s got big dicks? We’ve got big dicks!” chanted a few BDE pledges in the back of the class.
“Don’t you forget it. Uh, anyway, I say all this to say: multiculturalism has impacted my life because it was statistically somebody of a certain race who stole these items from me.”
“Mister Beavers, I must stop you as this is highly inappropriate!” blurted out the professor’s teaching assistant.
“Let...let him continue,” Dr. Cartwright muttered, swallowing the lump in her throat. “Mister Beavers, I do presume you have...dare I say, a valuable theme in your speech?”
“I humbly assure you, I do,” replied Winston tipping his cowboy hat. “I reckon you’re gonna wanna listen to what I’m fixin’ to say.”
***
Down at the other end of the Student Center, Gigi donned goggles and rubber gloves while she weighed silver nitrate powder on a scale.
“Everybody make sure that your scale is switched to grams!” cautioned Dr. Spivey: a wild white-haired mad scientist. “And before anybody asks: no, I will not help you cook meth in an RV! I will, however, give you a list of Asheville’s finest marijuana dealers...for a price.”
Gigi added the powder to a volumetric flask. Then, she unzipped her bookbag and grabbed a bottle of distilled water. She slowly poured the water into the flask, swirling the mixture around.
“Smart, smart, smart!” Dr. Spivey praised Gigi. “Why, I see somebody brought their own water. Now, I think I know why. But please humor me.”
“Gladly!” Gigi obliged, swirling the flask until the silver nitrate dissolved completely. “Well, Professor, I opted to access my personal inventory in hopes of bypassing a lengthy dihydrogen monoxide queue! Translation: look at that line!”
Sure enough, a long line of students stood with flasks in hand, waiting to use the tap of distilled water. Dr. Spivey flipped through his attendance roster. “Ah, you’re my pre-dental student: Ji-hye.” He pronounced it incorrectly as Gee-Hi.
“Oh, it’s actually pronounced Gee-Hey. But my real name’s caused so much...um, confusion that most people call me Gigi now.”
“I see. That’s quite unfortunate. Having to change your name all because of someone else.”
Before Gigi could respond, a frat boy called out to the professor. “Hey, Walter White! I’ll pay ya a hundred bucks for a list of all your dealers. Come on, bubba, that’s like half your salary!”
Dr. Spivey sighed and feigned annoyance. “Ah, these kids and their shrewd business exchanges. Guess I better entertain their shenanigans. Keep up the diligence, Ji-hye.” That time, he pronounced it correctly.
After Dr. Spivey left, a nerdy hipster girl tapped Gigi’s shoulder. “Hey, check this out.” The girl raised her cardigan sleeve to reveal a dark silver nitrate tattoo. Fuck Landsharks. It was the South App Beavers’ rival mascot.
“I...fully approve this message!”
“Here, try one on you before the professor gets back.” The girl handed Gigi a paintbrush.
“Neat!” Gigi replied as if accepting party pills for the first time. “But what to write?” She stared at her class schedule, where her name was also listed as “Ji-hye Moon.” Maybe...I should get used to using my real name again.
Gigi pulled up her hoodie sleeve and dipped the brush into the silver nitrate solution. Just then, the professor summoned everybody back to their desks for discussion. “Ji-hye, Ji-hye, Ji-hye,” she repeated, quickly painting a tattoo on the inside of her left hand.
Gigi rushed back to her desk. Dr. Spivey laughed at the class, his white hair sprawling in all directions. “Fools! I saw what you did. Now, let this be a lesson in commitment. Because silver nitrate tattoos take a week to fade. Now...who wants to show me theirs? Or shall I start calling names?”
Goosebumps rose on the back of Gigi’s neck. Not because her tattoo was semi-permanent, but because she was surely about to be the center of attention. But after a moment of tension, the professor simply dismissed class. Gigi bolted out the door. “So long, Ji-hye!” his voice echoed down the hall.
Shit, did he see my tattoo? Gigi picked up the pace, bumping into students who filed out of the Learning Center classrooms. Around the corner, she heard the grinding of coffee beans and frothing of whole milk. She would soon reach safety at Doppio Coffee Shop...
“Whaaa-oomph!” Gigi gasped, slipping on a banana peel. She landed flat on her back, sending her notebook and loose papers flying.
“Whoa, are you okay?” asked a short Indian guy as he rushed to Gigi’s aid. He helped her to her feet. “Yo, did you get that on video?” he asked another Indian, who ran up with a video camera. “Hey, Miss, it was just a social experiment! See, we’re from the South App Social Club. Hey, are you listening? It was just a prank, bro!”
A mentally-drained Gigi kneeled down to collect her supplies. It was only when Gigi reached down to collect her papers that she read the tattoo on her hand. And it did not read Ji-hye...
“WINSTON?!” her voice cracked.
“Jesus fuckin’ Christ,” mumbled a young cowboy, hunched over a large caramel frappuccino. “Are ya that surprised to find me here?”
Winston was sitting at Doppio Coffee Shop. Gigi hurriedly pulled down her hoodie sleeves past her fingertips. She balled the draping sleeves over her fists, concealing the palms of her hands. Then, she walked over to Winston as if she didn’t look like a complete-
“You look like a complete dork!” Winston chuckled.
“Oh! I was...uh, cold,” Gigi lied. She held up her balled-up fists like a panda bear. “See, I made my own gloves!”
Winston snatched her right wrist, then placed it palm-down on the counter. He reached into his pocket for a dull, rusty Swiss Army Knife.
“So what we wanna do is make a quick little incision where the thumb is right here.” Winston cut a small hole in the sleeve. Carefully, he guided her thumb through the hole to create a mitten of sorts for her small hand.
“Now, let’s do your left hand.”
Gigi’s heart skipped a beat as he grabbed her tattooed left hand and lay her palm on the table. Don’t look at my tattoo, don’t look at it, don’t look at it!
“Ugh, damn blade’s straight-up fucked,” Winston scoffed. “Must’ve been that buck I skinned.”
“Eek! That’s so gross! Have you at least washed it?” Don’t look at it, don’t look at it, don’t look at it!
Winston ignored her question. “Here, let me see your palm so I can-”
For the love of all that is sacred and holy, don’t look at it, don’t look at it, DON’T LOOK AT IT!
“I have to poop!” Gigi blurted out.
Winstons let go of Gigi’s hand. He and everybody else stared in disbelief. Of course, she was lying. It’s not even what she meant to say. But Gigi took that baton and ran a country mile. “Um...it appears that most sharp cheeses give me constipation. But ever since I ate all those mozzarella sticks, I have major runs!”
Gigi stood up, crossed her arms, and bowed. Then, she skittered off to the restroom - her secret safe in her left hand.
A preppy guy and girl walked up behind the dumbfounded Winston. “Yo, country boy needs to teach his lady friend some manners, am I right?” The guy looked around, trying to rally the cafe customers for support. “That’s one thing I hate about this liberal town. What a fuckin’ dyke.”
A storm brewed in Winston’s head. But he kept it bottled up inside. He chuckled instead, placing a hand on the guy’s shoulder. A pause. Suddenly, Winston yanked him into a headlock, holding the pocket knife to his crotch. His girlfriend shrieked like a mouse, while the young man raised his trembling hands.
“Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck!” the guy yelled.“T-take it easy, man! I was just-”
“Now listen here, partner.” Winston applied pressure with his blade. “I’ve had my share of good days. Matter fact, they’ve been a dime a dozen. But I reckon I’ve had my share of bad days too. And this right here is one of them bad days.” Winston motioned at the paper next to his drink. “See that-there paper over there? That’s the speech I just gave in front of a crowd of SJWs. And you wanna know what the teacher gave me? D-fuckin’-minus.”
“I’m...s-s-sorry,” the preppy guy whimpered.
“Yeah, me too,” Winston grumbled, using his knife to flick off the button on the guy’s board shorts.
“Somebody, do something!” the guy’s air-headed girlfriend cried.
And on cue, a thin brown liquid ran down the preppy guy’s legs. It seeped into his white Champion socks and stained his off-brand boat shoes. The putrid smell hit the gasping, coughing patrons.
Satisfied, Winston shoved the guy into his girlfriend’s arms. “I reckon you best wash up, partner.” Whispers and murmurs in the crowd while the preppy boy limped toward the men’s bathroom. “Hol’ up. I reckon you best make your way to the female bathroom. Matter fact, all bathrooms are gender-neutral around these parts. And while you’re in there, you can apologize to that so-called dyke from earlier. Tell her Winston Motherfucking Beavers sent you.”
With anguish and defeat in his eyes, the lady entered the female bathroom. Satisfied, Winston gathered his things and decided that it was time to get the fuck out of there. But when he turned around to leave, a thunderous applause erupted behind him like an action movie explosion. Winston smiled mischievously. For the first time since he enrolled, he finally belonged.
Suddenly, Winston slipped on the banana feel and landed square on his elbow. “Oh, shit!” exclaimed the Indian student, running to his side. “Are you okay, man?”
***
Frank shivered on top of Claire as she dug her nails into his back. He lay there for a moment, his breath ragged. Then, he rolled off, breathing heavily on Winston’s top bunk. He slipped off the latex condom and tossed it into an empty cheese ball can on Winston’s bunk.
“Alas, thou hadst sucketh the chi from my body and-”
“Remember, like, no talking!” Claire reminded him condescendingly. She pulled the covers over her breasts, opened Instagram, and took a duck-face selfie.
“Ah, perhaps you didn’t get a chance to c-”
“Like, no.” Claire casually added a rabbit-ear filter and snapped a pic. “But that’s, like, totally okay...I guess.”
Frank transformed from Shakespeare to Sherlock, scanning Winston’s filthy bachelor bedspread for something. Anything. There were cigarette butts, saltine crumbs, half a stick of butter, Fun Dip packages with only the dip missing, a whole uneaten chicken wing, piss in a Sprite bottle, a Happy Meal box with a dead rat inside, three leaking D Batteries, and Marie Kondo’s The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up.
Finally, Frank grabbed a nearly-empty can of whipped cream. He yanked the covers off the naked Claire and sprayed a line from her collarbone to navel. Now, he had Claire’s full, undivided attention. She slowly looked down at the runny mess that pooled into her belly button. Then, she gave him the hungriest bedroom eyes Frank had ever seen.
“If you’re, like, going to play with your food, then you better totally clean up after yourself.”
Frank and Claire proceeded to do unthinkable things in that bed. And Winston’s top bunk held on by faith and faith alone. Finally, they collapsed next to one another. Two sweaty messes bathing in afterglow. Afterward, they snuck into the men’s shower where they agreed on two things. One: they were going to burn that mattress out of respect for Winston. And two: they were going to have sex at Beleavers that night.
***
“Look here, you little bitch!”
Evelyn grabbed the young, black cheerleader’s collar and pulled her across the table, showing her fangs.
“W-whoa!” the cheerleader stammered. “Chill out! I’m...sorry.”
“Sorry about what?”
The girl panned from Evelyn to Sarah, Tai, and Jacky. “I’m...uh, sorry for asking you if you were selling tickets to a Marilyn Manson concert.”
“Apology accepted!” Sarah cheered on Evelyn’s behalf. She pointed at the assorted bath bombs for sale in the Learning Center Ballroom. “Everything you see here is between 10 and 15. If you have a sweet tooth, the fine gents to my right are selling yummy cookies and banana bread. Or…” Sarah pulled out the sacred BDE binder and placed it on the table. “Between you and me, we’re selling fake IDs.”
“Yeah!” Tai said. “There’s a few young ladies in there who have a mocha complexion almost as rich as yours!”
Jacky elbowed Tai in the ribs. Tai sucked in a breath, while his boyfriend acted as nothing had just happened. My boyfriend is jealous over fuckin’ everything.
The cheerleader looked over her shoulder to make sure the coast was clear. Then, she flipped through the pages as if she was dress shopping. “They contain the new state watermark and everything!” Sarah informed her customer. “We accept only cash at the moment. They cost-”
“A hundred, dudette,” Jacky interjected. Sarah gave him a worrisome side-eye at the exorbitant price. But as expected, the rich cheerleader pulled out the bills and handed them over.
“Oh, that makeup actually makes your eyes pop - no cap,” the cheerleader told Evelyn, before disappearing into the Beleavers crowd with her fake ID.
“Mission accomplished!” Jacky cheered. They had managed to pull off just over 100 sales: 7500 bucks split four ways. Now, it was time to close up shop for the night. Soon, the Christian rock band would take the stage to celebrate God in a room full of students with brand new identities.
“Come on, Tai,” Jacky said, smiling warmly. “Let’s grab some popcorn. I have somebody I want you to meet.”
Tai waved at the girls as they watched them leave.
“I...really don’t know what to make of Jacky,” Sarah admitted. “A few weeks ago, I tracked him down across campus because I thought he was smoking hot. I mean, he still is. But still…”
“He’s a fucking fake,” Evelyn fumed. “That holier-than-thou douchelord can sit on a tack.”
“Whoa, sounds like you need to relieve some stress,” Sarah chuckled, punching Evelyn’s arm. “Why don’t we head to the quad and settle our tie-breaker?”
At that, Sarah and Evelyn left for one last grappling match to end them all.
***
Winston and Gigi approached the Ballroom entrance, where thumping Christian rock rattled the door.
“So...are you a Christian or are you here for the popcorn?” Winston asked.
“A little bird told me that it is pretty tasty!” Gigi admitted sheepishly.
“And I reckon that little bird was Frankie?”
“Yes, actually! He’s supposed to meet me here. But...I haven’t heard from him in a few hours.”
“Ah. Same with Claire.”
Just like last week’s restaurant date, Gigi and Winston had been once again ghosted by their lovers. It had become a running meme at this point.
“M-maybe their bus is running late?” Gigi suggested, failing to convince even herself.
“Hey, while we’re meddlin’ in conspiracy theories, I’ve got one too. See, Frankie likes to cook. And I’mma bet he’s with Claire, baking her a fresh, homemade cream-”
Gigi clamped her hand over Winston’s mouth. Gigi’s pupils said it all. So he opted to lay off the jokes. Neither either of them really believed their lovers were sneaking around with each other.
Winston opened the ballroom door and promptly caught an elbow to the temple.
“Oomph!” Winston groaned. Gigi slouched against the wall for safety. The scene was no Sunday morning gospel band. This was a Christian hardcore band. And they had just walked into a mosh pit.
“W-Winston!” Gigi yelled over the screamo vocals. But among the flurry of flailing super-Christians, Winston had vanished. Gigi bent her knees and jumped as high as she could, searching for his cowboy hat in the crowd. Suddenly, a punk-rock girl came up from behind and lifted her into the air.
“She’s tryin’ to go surfing!” the girl yelled, heaving her into the crowd like a FedEx package. Gigi gasped before landing into a sea of open hands. This “wave” slowly guided her through the spazzing strobe lights and fog.
Suddenly, an anonymous hand grazed her breast, then very deliberately squeezed it. “W-whaaa!?” Gigi pulled her knee to her stomach, then kicked the culprit square in the face.
“You bitch!” the fondler yelled psychotically, cupping a hand over his bleeding nose. “Throw this fucking slut overboard!” And, in unison, the moshers raised and lowered her body in their hands. “One, two, three!”
Gigi flew into the air - falling, falling, falling until she crashed into a table of baked goods and bath bombs. Winded, she slipped behind the tablecloth and curled up under the table. The mob raged outside.
“Animals,” Gigi whispered, rubbing her sore breast. Alone in the dark under that table, she wanted to cry. She could only imagine what Winston would have done if she caught that pervert red-handed. Maybe I should have let him keep his gun.
Gigi turned on her phone’s flashlight and looked around. Under the table were several cardboard boxes. One, in particular, was labeled Sarah’s Box O’Fun. Gigi recognized it immediately. On move-in day, she’d watched Sarah unpack a huge bong from that very box. Then, Sarah had dared a drunk Winston to drink the bong water. He did. (“Gigi, meet my brother.”)
This is...Sarah’s table? She’s here at Beleavers tonight? Feeling gutsy, she sifted through the box. On top of the mountain of bath bombs and baked goods, the B.D.E. binder sat there in all its glory. She flipped through pages upon pages of fake IDs. On a scratch sheet of notebook paper: a tally of sales for Sarah, Evelyn, Tai, and Claire. But no Winston. And slowly, her busy brain started to connect the dots.
“Holy balls,” she whispered, snapping the stolen binder shut. She thought about taking it right then and there and returning it to its bearded beast of an owner. But another thought crossed her mind.
I could leave it here and blackmail them for money, Gigi thought. All I have to do is threaten to tell Winston! The decision was set in stone. She left the binder behind and slipped out from under the table. But not before stealing a baseball-sized charcoal bath bomb.
***
In the popcorn line, safe from the mosh pit, Jacky stood in front of Tai with his back turned. The blonde-haired surfer had been rambling excitedly with an Asian guy for five minutes now. And not once had Jacky thought to introduce him.
“Oh, Tai Maple!” Jacky finally remembered, turning to face him. “This is my friend: Benji. Benji, meet Tai.”
This freckle-faced Asian guy gave a slight bow. Tai immediately knew who he was. In fact, Gigi had given him the full scoop while she and Tai had shared her very first cheese pizza. It had all begun on the day where the freshmen tracked down Jacky in his mail truck. Jacky had mistaken the cross-dressing Gigi with the Benji who now stood before him.
And this Benji was allegedly Jacky’s secret long-time crush.
“Benji, would you please grab us a popcorn?” Jacky asked politely, stepping out of the line. “I need to talk to my friend here...alone.”
“Friend,” Tai echoed, following Jacky like a lost puppy.
“Tai, this is just as hard for me, brother,” Jacky frowned, more condescending than empathetic.
“The hell it is!” Tai blew up, drowned out by the hardcore band. “You had your hand in my pants just a few hours ago! Were you fucking planning on leaving me this whole time? For him?!”
“Tai, listen man. Look, I know everything. When you showed up at the coffee shop, I knew you’d been spying on me long before you met me. I first thought our meeting was a...beautiful coincidence. But all along, you were pulling the wool over my eyes. But that’s okay, brochacho! Because I gave you a chance anyway. See, I wanted to save you from what you are! You’re a liar, bro. But in God’s eyes, we all-”
“I let you take my goddamn virginity!” Tai exploded over the music, his jaw twitching uncontrollably.
A pitiful look from Jacky. “I see. That does complicate things a bit, on the real. Look, you can have a quarter of my earnings from tonight’s sales. And I promise to pray for you every night before-”
“Fuck you and fuck your God! I hope you die in your fucking sleep! I hate you, I hate you, I HATE YOU!”
Tai turned around and walked confidently out of the ballroom, holding his head up high while vertigo weighed it down. But nobody stopped him. And not once did he look back.
***
Winston limped down the Learning Center hallway with a pounding headache. He struggled to keep his twitching, swollen eye open while passing the empty classrooms. Where he was going, not even he knew. He just had to get far away from that mosh pit.
“Calm, child! You’re quite a fool to be walking around with a concussion!”
Winston turned around. Through his good eye, he saw a large, middle-aged Haitian woman in an African floral dress and headwrap. She held a bible in her large, smooth hands.
“Join us, child,” the woman beckoned, pointing into a classroom of Haitian students in chairs.
Winston smiled weakly, thinking back to his controversial speech from class that morning. “I mighty appreciate it, ma’am. But I reckon I ain’t much worthy.” He turned to walk away, but accidentally stumbled like a drunkard into the woman’s arms.
“Soft, my child,” she soothed him, ushering him into the room of students. “Not one of us is worthy. But there is good news.”
A half-hour later, Winston was sitting in the front row of the Haitian Student Ministry with a bag of frozen peas pressed to his swollen eye. The matriarch, Nadia, was delivering a passionate Psalm 107 sermon to her students.
“Let the one who is wise heed these things,” Nadia read. “And ponder the loving deeds of the Lord. Amen. Now, to conclude, I’d like to introduce our guest: Winston from Beleavers. Please, child, tell us about yourself.”
The young men on either side of Winston gave him a back pat. Winston slowly stood up and tipped his cowboy hat. In his mind, it was his Public Speaking 101 all over again. But in class, he hadn’t been standing in front of all-black students. Like he was now.
“Well, like I told Nurse Nadia earlier. I don’t feel like I’m worthy among y’all fine folks here. I mighty appreciate Nadia for patching me up. And for y’all’s hospitality.”
Winston headed for the door, but Nadia blocked the exit. “Please, child. Do your sins trouble you? May it ease your soul to know that there are redeemed people in this very room who have committed acts of credit card fraud, gang violence, and even beastiality?”
Winston blinked.
But somehow, Nadia’s words did not repel these people away. They brought them closer. So Winston opened his mouth and confessed what had been brewing in his mind all day.
“Well, uh...today in speech class, I said the N-word. I didn’t mean to be ugly when I said it. Only said it to take power away from it. But I reckon I really hurt a couple of people in that class. The only reason the teacher didn’t ban me from the class was ‘cause she wanted me to learn a lesson this year. And I’m tryin’, Nadia. I’m...tryin’ real hard.”
The students didn’t come forward to comfort Winston, who now choked on tears. But they didn’t back away either. It was only when Nadia lay a hand on him that the other students followed suit.
“It sounds like you have a lot to think on,” Nadia said warmly, as layers of hands covered him. “I wish you luck on your journey. We will always be here whenever Beleavers get a little too...rowdy.”
Nadia and the students led a closing prayer for Winston. He smiled as a rush of dopamine reached the brain. The tears flowed freely, even as he used the bag of frozen peas to dab his face.
“Amen,” Nadia concluded. Everybody left Winston’s side and began stacking chairs.
“Wait,” Winston said, returning to his confident southern drawl. “Let me take care of them-there chairs. It’s...the least this poor white boy can do.”
And so, Winston began folding chairs alone while the others left. And like Jesus on the Via Dolorosa, he began carrying ten chairs down the long hallway toward the supply closet. And like all other men, Winston was hell-bent on making only one trip.
“Winston!” Gigi blurted out as he turned a corner. With his hands full, his black eye had nowhere to hide. Gigi dropped her jaw. Then, her mouth formed a pitiful frown. She kissed her tattoo-free hand and gently pressed her fingertips on Winston’s eyelid.
“One more time,” Winston suggested with a grin.
Gigi hesitantly kissed her hand, then reached for Winston’s eyelid again. Suddenly, Winston playfully bit her hand. “Eek!” Gigi quickly brought her hand to her chest.
“You’re a good woman, Gigi,” Winston chuckled, reflecting on his own moral character. Both of their faces flushed red. He shook his head, arms trembling from the weight they carried. “Look, I gotta put these chairs up. Walk with me.”
Gigi carried four of the chairs. And even then, she lagged behind Winston. “So, what’s the word on Frankie? You find him in that-there mob?”
Gigi shook her head, her long black hair whipping back and forth. “Nope! And Claire?”
“Shit,” Winston said, emotionally detached. “Honestly, I don’t expect to see her ever again.”
“Hmmm...so why don’t they love us anymore?”
“Beats me,” said Winston, as they set their chairs down at the closet door. “But if I was a betting man, I’d wager it’s because you and I seem to be attached at the hip these days.”
“Do you think they don’t trust us together? I mean, as friends?”
“Should they?”
Gigi opened her mouth, then closed it. Then, they quickly reached for the doorknob at the same time. A moment passed, and they did not move their hands. Slowly, her earthy brown eyes met his icy blue ones. Gigi’s tattoo was on fire.
Together, they turned the doorknob. And lo and behold: it was Frank and Claire.
Frank’s pants were around his ankles - all eight inches of uncut glory on full display. Claire was on her knees, snorting an eight-inch line of red-and-white cocaine from root to tip. As soon as they were spotted, Claire frantically wiped her nose while Frank shuffled to button his pants.
“W-w-woe is me!” Frank moaned in despair. “It doth appear that our feline hath escaped its rucksack!”
“Like, no fucking shit, Sherlock!” Claire snapped, brushing the cocaine off her shirt. “Do you ever, like, shut the fuck up? Like, look Winston and Gigi! I promise this is, like, not what it looks like. It was just, like, like, like, like, like-”
Winston and Gigi slowly stared at each other - sly grins on their faces.
“Um...are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Gigi asked Winston cheerfully.
“I sure the hell am, buddy,” Winston answered. They each grabbed a folding chair and approached the pair of adulterers.
***
A short while later, at dusk, Winston and Gigi sat on the curb of the Chadwick Hughes Learning Center - handcuffed. A fresh-faced, fat officer stood with his arms crossed, staring at the excited pair of criminals.
“So, you mean to tell me you…stabbed this chick with a chair?” the officer asked, dumbfounded.
“Yep!” Gigi piped up, a wide smile plastered on her face. “I managed to wield my melee weapon like a medieval knight, riding with the north winds until that raging thundercunt landed on her assless keister!”
“That was fuckin’ awesome,” Winston said, giving her an elbow bump. “But not as awesome as me crackin’ Frankie’s skull.”
The cop knitted his brows, taking extensive notes. “Alrighty then. Anything else y’all wanna add?”
Gigi and Winston grinned at each other, adrenaline fueling their veins. They had truly saved the best for last.
“Then, I took out my phone,” Winston started. “And I showed them a pic of-”
“He flashed them a pic of him taking my virginity!” Gigi finished proudly. But it was a lie. No, Winston had instead shown the cheaters the photo of Gigi eating cheese for the first time with Winston. And despite being attacked with a chair, that photo had shocked Frank more than anything.
Cop 2 walked over to Cop 1 and whispered something into his ear. Cop 1 nodded and pointed at Jacky and Claire. The pair looked tired and traumatized, and were hugging and consoling each other next to another cop car.
“Y’all got off lucky this time,” Cop 2 jeered. “They ain’t gonna press charges. You must have some deep dirt on ‘em or something.”
He wasn’t wrong. That red-and-white cocaine was Ryan’s signature product. The BDE fraternity circulated that cocaine more widely than Jacky and his fake IDs. And it was a much larger, lucrative operation. In Winston’s eyes, Claire didn’t want to risk Winston snitching in retaliation for being thrown in jail.
“Ladies first,” said Cop 1, helping Gigi off the curb to her feet. He spun her around and unlocked her handcuffs. “What kinda ink job is that?” the cop muttered, reading the silver nitrate tattoo on Gigi’s palm. “Winston...wait a sec. Hey, that’s your name, right?”
Winston cocked his head at the cop’s question. Gigi’s knees trembled as she let out a nervous chuckle. It surely wasn’t the craziest thing to happen that day. But goddamn, would it be hard to explain.
“Gigi, what the hell?” Winston muttered with a blank expression.
“Call me Ji-hye!” Gigi blurted out proudly. Winston shook his head with a smile as he watched her disappear into the Asheville night.
submitted by welcometosouthapp to welcometosouthapp [link] [comments]


2020.08.26 16:06 IcePrincesChan Girls spying on naked men

So, did you know that among Usopp's tropes, we have the following:

PS: I never cared much for tropes, but since I found an All Tropes Wiki page and the Tropes TV site, I just became fascinated with it. Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you since Usopp is one of my fav characters in One Piece.
submitted by IcePrincesChan to OnePiece [link] [comments]


2020.08.12 20:58 jacktherambler Girls spying on naked men

Chapter 3
"Halt!"
I do just that, hands away from the swords at my side, don't want to give the wrong impression. I turn, nice and slow, and face the two guards. They're both holding halberds, pointed right at my chest, advancing nice and slow. I can't see them behind the grills of their helmets but they're wearing the purple cloaks of royal guard, gold insignia pinning the cloaks across their chests.
Veterans, of the Venerable Order of the Courageous Lion. What a mouthful, no? Good soldiers, pushed onto guard duty down here in the great marble crypts.
Vaults, I mean vaults. Same difference.
"Lads, fancy meeting you down here." I say, with my best, most winning smile. It doesn't work, those points don't falter.
"In the vault. Fancy meeting royal guards, in the vault. Where there are always two of us."
Sarcasm, love it.
"It's a metaphor?" I say. That doesn't impress either.
"So why is a knight skulking around down here? Hmm?" The other asks.
"Skulking!" I'm offended. "I'm not skulking. I am quietly trespassing in areas I am am not supposed to access, avoiding scrutiny and the like."
"I think that's the definition of skulking." Smarmy asshole, pin a gold insignia to him and he thinks he's something special. They're close enough now that the halberd points are touching my chest.
"Alright. I'm skulking. I'm down here trying to find The Chronicle, heard that someone was writing about me and golly, lads, I just hate to be in the dark wondering what slander and lies that might be."
"Shit, is that you Lycenius?" One of the guards says, eyes narrowed behind that visor.
"Guilty as charged." I lift my own mask up and reveal my face, to gasps and a shared look. "Lads, why don't you take a walk, check out the entry, find somewhere to patrol, just...anywhere but here."
"Lycenius...you mean the Bastard of the Barrows?" I see wide eyes now, on the sarcastic one. I think the other is Tychus, good man, fought with him once.
"OK. One, I don't love the nickname." I hold up my fingers to count it off. "Two, when they say history is written by the victors they never specify which ones. We won at the Barrows and everyone calls me the bastard? Three, if you've heard the nickname I don't love from the events I had no control over, you'll give some serious thought to this patrol heading in a different way."
I still keep my hands far from those swords. The younger one, I assume, is the one I don't trust. He might want a scrap. Tychus' halberd is wavering now, just a little. My fingers start to feel itchy and I hate that feeling, oh how I hate it.
Then Tychus gives in.
"I think I heard someone over there." He says, lifting the halberd away from my chest. "But if one was curious, there's a book about fifty feet in that direction, locked behind a cage."
A key clangs on the floor.
"I expect to find my key on the next patrol through and not a damn thing aside from that key, got it?"
"Got it." I say, bending down and picking up the key.
The sound of their retreating boots clanking on the marble floor is all I hear, cloaks swishing and the butt ends of their halberds hitting the floor with dull thuds.
"The Bastard of the Barrows!" I hear the younger one whisper.
I hate that nickname.

Right where Tychus said, there's a book. Ornate leather cover with gold filigree, two words inscribed on it.
The Chronicle.
I open the book and begin to read.
Somewhere near five years I fought for this king, somewhere near five years I earned ever worse nicknames as we won battle after battle. When I caught a supply train in the open with fifty men, they called me the Barrows Bandit. Never liked that one either, it was war. If my enemies have less food and fewer weapons, that's strategy. But no, I was the monster that starved a thousand men out of their fortifications.
Burn a sleeping camp, opening the way for an army to march clear through the night and surprise the enemy with an assault on the rear?
Suddenly I'm the Barrows Burner.
You think they call Mykael the 'Night Slaughterer'? No, because they like Mykael. He's got a pretty smile, good hair, so he gets a pass on cutting apart sleeping men.
Or Shaye? Oh she puts an arrow through the eye of a fort commander and they call her 'Sure-Shot Shaye'. I crawl through the latrine pits with five good men and cut the throats of every officer in a castle and they call me...well you don't want to know.
We have done horrible things in the name of war, terrible things, vicious things. That is our nature, to be vicious. But…in The Chronicle I find lies.
Shaye, Mykael, Ronson, Taggart, Bogdan, all of them. In these pages they are monsters.
Bogdan, the freakish tower of flesh that tore men in half. Bogdan the Troll, thick skinned and terrible. Leading the River Trolls and the Stone Ogres into war in their rough armor, swinging huge clubs. Feasting on the dead after each battle and not smart enough to know civilian from soldier, murdering entire villages and breaking their bones to suck the marrow from them.
Ronson, a shapeshifter that used her ability to become loved ones and create insanity, a horrid creature of the night. Used her powers to commit the most heinous crimes to draw information out, becoming a man’s wife and cutting their child’s throat in front of him.
Taggart, a magician that used blood magic and dark arts to rend flesh from bone, to melt men into hot goo or turn their bones to glass, feeding on the blood of innocents. A necromancer that brought the bodies of the dead to life to slaughter their own friends. He laughed maniacally as he did this, according to this book.
Shaye the Centaur, half woman and half horse and all monster. Leading cavalry charges into innocent villages, crushing children’s skulls under their hooves. She tied people to trees and fired arrows at them, murdered families for sport to force surrender.
Mykael, the undying prince, a handsome man that fed on the blood of the young virgins across the land. His pale skin could not see the sun and in the night he was a black winged terror, gleefully cutting his way through regiments. Which is probably the only truth to it, Mykael might be the sweetest vampire I've ever met. Most of them are.
And me. Lycenius.
The man who becomes a great wolf, standing on two legs and ripping limbs from men as one might tear apart a chicken carcass. Black furred and terrible, leading his pack into the ranks with great roaring bloodthirsty battle cries. Sneaking through filth, tearing sleeping camps apart, there was nothing the wolf pack would not do.
Alright, so when I say 'lies' I guess I mean...mostly lies. What they say about me is true. That's why the nickname stings, Bastard of the Barrows. I earned it and it still stings.
Never liked being known for the worst things I've done. The things I’ve willingly done in the name of war. It was so we could survive, even thrive in a new world where they didn’t talk about us in hushed whispers and cast us terrified glances.
The others? They're good soldiers and they’re nicer folks. Bogdan? Yeah, he's a troll but by the gods he is a sweetheart. Honest to the gods, he sews these little troll dolls for the young river trolls and stone ogres he meets. They're so ugly they're cute, the dolls and the kids. Sure, Bogdan isn’t the sharpest but you’ll never find a more loyal friend. And he has never once eaten a human.
Ronson? Greatest showman you'd ever meet, put on acts that delighted soldiers every night even though she was bone tired after each battle. She was an excellent spy but she never, ever used her power to become someone’s nightmare like that. Ronson would hate the suggestion.
You get the idea. This book, it tells lies about the others. They aren’t monsters like that. We were forced into hiding generations ago by humans, we came out to the promise of a sort of freedom. A false promise, a lie to our faces.
And at the end, before I close it, I see the closing line, written in fresh ink.
"They should be hunted to extinction, there is no place for monsters among humans. And they are monsters."
I slam it shut and listen to the echo in the vault.
I have to find the others, I have to warn them. They're coming for us. All of us. They will send men with knives to kill our children, burn our homes, force us deeper into the darkness. Will they be happy if we are cowered in the sewers of the world or will they only be happy when we have been exterminated?
We are the monsters in the night that they used and now they want to toss us into the garbage heap of history. They want to make us nothing more than the dark stories they tell children to make them fear us.
‘Finish your dinner or the wolves will eat you.’
They want to turn us into things to be feared? I'll show them fear.
Only one of us is a monster. Only me. I will do what must be done for my family, for my pack. They should have killed me before writing those words, before giving them life. Betrayal should not be written, it should simply be enacted.
I let loose a howl, long and loud down here in the vault. It echoes around me, in this claustrophobic space under the city.
They want to make us the monsters in the dark?
I am the monster, I am the darkness.
I am the pack.

Somewhere Near 5 Years Earlier
“In the beginning, there were the Gods.”
Her voice is soft but it holds attention like a bucket does water, we are trapped in our rapture at her words. She stands behind the great bonfire that we have built, her shadows dance on the trees in a way that seems impossible. Her plain brown robes move with her graceful movements and there is magic in them. A beauty in her movements.
Her hair is black, true to her name, gathered up behind her head so that it bounces as she moves. She is our Raven, that sings of our people, that remembers who we are. Her eyes are bright pools of blue water that sing out to us, the firelight reflected in them to create a lively scene of mischief and wonder in them. I cannot help but stare.
I sit, cross legged, on the hard packed earth around the fire. So too does the pack, all of us have gathered here. The youngest of us are gathered close to the flames, the heat washes over them as the forest wind blows over the flames. Those that are grown sit behind but are just as eager to hear, even the elders too, with their gray streaked hair and beards. She upholds our tradition.
“Listen to the howling wind and know that Luna Moonmother calls to you.” She says, her hands flicking toward the fire and a great white flame leaps into the air, creating a circle that highlights the moon above our forest. We gasp, awed. She continues her dance, her hands moving and crafting flame and smoke into visions that spring to life.
“First among them was Luna Moonmother.” Smoke and fire become a woman, matronly and loving, kneeling and dipping her hands into the earth, breathing over it and giving life to the first creatures. Great wolves standing on two legs, howling to the sky, kissing our Moonmother as she holds it close. Then together they throw their heads back and soundlessly howl.
We howl for them, throwing back our own heads and howling to the moon, we give her our thanks and our love, our eternal love. Raven lets the image blow away with our howl and the next begins to shape. No white flame but a bright, burning red. It becomes a man, a man that burns with righteous anger and wreathes himself in the fire.
“Sol Sunfather.” She whispers and he spreads his arms and becomes a great inferno that hangs above the bonfire, crackling and slowly turning. “Passion tempered by Moonmother’s love for him, together they bore the many children of the sky, the Gods. Sunfather reached to the burning star that gives us life and brought forth…Man.”
The image of Sunfather becomes two figures that pull themselves from him, a woman and a man that stand naked in the darkness of the night. They are snuffed out by the wind as it blows, replaced by brilliant flames that shimmer in the many colors of the great northern lights, where the sky meets the earth and night is given to dancing.
“Their first daughter was Aurora. Her gift was the life that teems in the forests, rivers, oceans, the world around us. And the centaurs. To her we give each hunt. The Huntress!” Raven’s voice pitches up. Aurora is her favorite and the shape of the Huntress bursts from the colors, green flame wreathed in branches and followed by the many shapes of the animals. In her hands is a great bow. As one we howl again, not of love and thanks. This is a howl for war, darker, deeper, a war cry that thunders through the heavy trunks and branches of our forest. Aurora’s shape spirals up and explodes in a burst of green, flecks falling around us and the little ones clap in delight.
Now the flames take a yellow hue and the one that comes is enormous, a hulking mass of muscle and flesh with eyes that burn with bright yellow flames. He moves slowly and with him there is a great, plodding river of fire that seems as much the flowing water near our home. There is tenderness to his movements.
“Ogran was born next. To bring life to the world. Stone and river heed his call and Ogran Stonefist gave them form.” Ogran raises his arms slowly, eyes closed, and the stone and river leap to shapes much like him. River Trolls, Stone Ogres, Plains Giants. Ogran is father to the mightiest that wander this world and they are his timid children, sweet, ugly giants. Ogran explodes in yellow specks and the flames take a gray hue.
Then sparks! Bright red as Vail steps through the smoke, a gray figure of metal, his mighty hammer in hand and his long hair flowing behind him. Even is flame figure is handsome and confident. From the smoke he snatches a gray thread and hammers it on the unseen anvil.
“Vail, the arrogant Craftmaster.” Vail’s shape glowers at Raven, who winks at the fire and we all share a laugh, as is expected of us. “Vail was beautiful and loved himself for it, yet what he craved most of all was creation. Not of life but of inventions. Shaping metal to his will, glittering gems to line his armor, Vail Craftmaster strikes his mighty anvil and lightning splits our sky!” Raven throws her hands wide, palms to the sky above, and a great blue crack of lightning answers, with booming thunder close on it’s heels.
I gasp, so do the rest. Vail’s figure holds his palms out in a mimicry of Raven and two shapes form. Both are shorter, one is hunched and ugly and the other is stout, firm.
“Vail brought forth the Dwarves and their Goblinkin. Though the Dwarves would hear none of that sort of talk.”
We laugh once more and Vail vanishes, swirling a cloak of gray smoke around him as he does. Now the flames become a subdued blue and the shape that comes is slow, steady. With a step he becomes a bear, then another he is a soaring eagle, then another he is a mouse, barely there.
“Canlon the Many Faced. Where Moonmother made us with her breath, where we become wolf to answer her beautiful call, Canlon is as he wishes to be. He is our blood, a shifter, a thrope.”
We howl as one again, this time it is not love nor is it war. It is mourning, a keening cry that seeks out the sky above and lilts in a terrible song of pain. He is a man again, his shape in the smoke and flame, and he bows his head to us, raising a hand and touching it to his forehead. Then he fades.
I watch the fire become a vibrant pink, a color it should not be. Raven moves behind it gracefully and from the flames come a figure that seems to glide. She has long hair that flows in an unseen wind behind from behind her.
“Nerrai.” Raven whispers. “The Searcher. Born lost, she seeks what she cannot find. Her gift to this world is the unending curiosity of magic, those that seek to learn the arts within. And her children are the elves, their curiosity runs so deep that they refuse to die, ever seeking answers.”
She disappears in the mists, much as the legends say. We come to the end, enthralled we lean forward for this. We know what will come. Raven stands in silence as the bonfire begins to die to embers, a cascading darkness descends over us and her face is only just visible in the red light.
Then she takes a single step back and disappears. Her voice is all around us now. Chilling, horrible, it rakes along our spines with cold words. I shiver and close my eyes. I can never find her before she reveals herself, no matter how hard I listen. She has perfected the art, as if she whispers into each of our ears.
“Serrus…” she whispers, the sound of the s dragged on her tongue and each of us shivers. I open my eyes and guess where she is. The young gather close, brave but still afraid, all but one eager girl that leans forward, eyes closed, ears practically twitching. I smile.
Then a hand moves across my back and I start, nails raking through my shirt. She was not at all where I thought.
“Serrus the Undying Queen. Last of the children to Moonmother and Sunfather.”
Serrus appears, a shadow instead of a shape, a blackness that eats the night around us, growing ever deeper.
“At her call the dead rise from their rest, clacking bones and rotting flesh stumble to her, the vampire lords in their great halls kneel to her, for she cannot die and they are her children. Ethereal ghost and horrid ghoul, one and all.”
Raven appears before the fire once again and lays a log onto the embers. Immediately it bursts to flame, bright light washing over us and the colors become a riot, rising as a family of the Gods into the sky before bursting into multicolored sparks that shower us.
We cheer. Raven bows, smiling ear to ear. I am on my feet, whistling through my teeth just as my father taught me to do. She blushes, then is attacked by the little girl that looked so intently and the two of them devolve into a fit of giggles. Conversations are struck up, we gather more loosely around the fire, food and drink are brought forth to cheers, and the pack celebrates the beginning of another night.
Raven walks to me, holding the little girl in her arms, and I wrap them both in my arms, squeezing.
“How’d you do the colors?” I ask her, planting a kiss on her lips to the horror of our daughter, who squirms away and makes hacking vomiting noises. I pinch my daughter’s sides and she giggles again, writhing in my wife’s arms until she is released to play with the other children, just pups.
“Powders.” She says, leaning so she can whisper it. It is not her right to give all the secrets away. “Magic for the shapes, powder for the color. I find it easiest.”
“It works well.” I tell her, pulling her tight to my side. “Vivid, some educated sort might say.”
She laughs and pokes me in the side, I laugh too, we walk to join the others around the fire. I stop. She does too. Around the fire others do the same, lifting their noses to the air. Someone growls in their throat and I hold up a hand.
I smell steel. I smell oiled leather. I smell sweat and grime and exhaustion and horses. And I smell…ah I smell death.
“Mykael!” I shout into the trees. “Step into the light, it won’t burn you, I promise.”
“Ha!” He shouts from the darkness. “Told you it was stupid to try to sneak up. But no, you were all ‘don’t want to startle the werewolves’. Sneaking around is startling to them! Get off me, if this man does not remove his hand from my arm I will rip it off!”
There is a scuffle and then Mykael enters the circle of light. He smiles and his white teeth are illuminated in the fire.
“Uncle Mykael!” My daughter shouts, a blur as she runs at him and launches herself at his face.
“Cinder!? No, no, no, it can’t be, my goddaughter is tiny!” He catches her easily and spins her around. Behind him come a dozen, two dozen men in armor, hands on the silver swords, moving nervously.
“Sergeant, step into the light before my dearest brother murders you and your friends.” Mykael says over his shoulder, ruffling the hair of a half dozen pups that have gathered around him. I know that from his pockets he is producing candies for them but I let it slide.
“You said you’d keep us safe, haven’t heard you tell him that.” This Sergeant says, taking a step forward, made nervous by the pack. Many are made nervous by the pack.
“Oh, right.” Mykael snaps his fingers. “Lycenius, I gave my word that you would hear these humans out without tearing them into component parts.”
“Always enjoy when you make promises for me, Mykael.” I say. Then I smile at this Sergeant, this nervous human.
“What is your name?” I ask him.
“Tychus.”
“Well, Tychus, you and yours are welcome at our fire, I swear that none here will harm you and all will welcome you as we would a friend. If-” I look at these men. “-If you remove your hands from those swords.”
Tychus gives a curt nod and takes his hand away from the sword, as do his men. My smile becomes genuine and the conversations begin, my pack welcomes these men in and offers them drink and food. I, with Raven still attached to my side, walk to this Tychus and Mykael finally parts himself from the greedy hands of our pups to join us.
Tychus seems confused, unsure, nervous.
Mykael is none of those.
“I told you.” Mykael says, clapping Tychus on the shoulder.
“Whatever he told you, believe half of it and ask us about the other half.” Raven says, elbowing Mykael in the side. He grunts and produces a candy for her, one that she pops into her mouth. Mykael’s eyes gleam a pale white in the night, as do all vampires. When he smiles, it reveals the deadly fangs.
“You’re not what I expected.” This Tychus says, looking around. His men are relaxing, slowly, laughing and eating and drinking with my pack. The children race around their legs, jabbing at each other with long sticks like swordfighters to the amusement of the soldiers.
These men wear metal plate. Thick armor that covers their chests, shoulders, forearms, legs. They have shields slung over their backs, thick wood lined with more steel. Their cloaks are thick and a dark red with a white eagle in the center, wings spread. If I am not mistaken that would mark them as Calderans. I glance at the silver swords and Tychus offers an almost apologetic grin, sheepish even.
“Orders.” He says. Mykael and I both nod sagely, as if we understand. Humans are so driven by orders, by order. We are not.
“Why have you come to us? With Mykael?”
“Lycenius.” Mykael says, suddenly serious. “Raven. The Calderans have an offer that I think you should hear. Just so you know, Shaye and Taggart are already with them. Ronson and Bogdan, well they like you more than they like me. But I think they will come around too.”
“An offer, you say?” I ask, looking to Tychus. He produces a scroll, sealed with red wax marked with the King’s seal.
“Yes. Our king has an offer to make. We will soon be at war, Coldwater Pass has already been lost. Vaizera comes to see our ruin.”
“Vaizera?”
“They hate us almost as much as they hate you.” Tychus says. I peel off the seal and begin to read. My eyes open wide and I look at Mykael, who raises both his eyebrows at me and smiles that fanged smile.
“You want us to fight with you?” Raven has read over my shoulder and is in the same stage of disbelief I am in.
“Fight with us now, die without us later.” Tychus says, echoing a line in the letter that has been addressed to me in the handwriting of the Calderan king. My people talk, laugh, share with these humans, that might have tried to cut us down not too long ago, so far as maybe an hour ago.
I look at Raven, and she looks at our daughter. And I know what she is thinking.
“We fight with you, we will live in peace?” She asks.
Tychus nods. Then it will be so.
“Then we fight.”

Now
I slip through the vault corridors, furious at the betrayal.
They used us. They used us to rid them of the threat and then when it was convenient they turned us back into monsters. This king betrays us with his left hand while his right pretends to bestow accolades on us. He plans to turn us into the boogeymen once more, the horrors that achieved a victory but at terrible cost.
He’s an ass.
I move quickly, listening for guards. I know how to be light on my feet, I know how to be quick, I know the darkness better than many know their own hands. I pass by where I encountered Tychus once more, and the younger guard. I quietly place the key on the ground and press my fingers to it. A quiet moment of thanks.
No good men need die over this.
I am afraid that many will.
Not tonight.
“Lycenius.” The voice startles me. Tychus is there, helmet tucked into his armpit and his hands far from his swords.
“Tychus. Where is the younger?”
“Waiting for me. Heard the howl. Heard it once before, you know that?”
“We fought together, Tychus, I imagine you did.” I say, tilting my head in a very wolf-like way.
“No, no. That’s different. I’ve heard your pack howl for war, I was there, you remember?”
I nod. I do remember. Battle lines had been drawn and it had begun. Contingents of armored humans crashed into one another, leather clad archers sent wave after wave of deadly death, tens of thousands fought in a great cacophony. Bogdan, wearing specially made armor that was as thick as a human fist, wielding half a tree with a boulder wedged into the end, waded into the mess and knocked aside dozens of foes. With him were the Stone Ogres and River Trolls, all enormous and all deadly.
Mykael and the Black Knights charged on their undead steeds, their eyes a flaming red and wounds that would fell a living man or horse were shrugged off as if they were nothing. Shaye and the centaurs harassed the enemy archers, Ronson shouted orders in the voice of enemy leaders to confuse.
Vaizera produces incredibly effective soldiers. They are a nation rich in resources, rich in humans, and they are a nation that excels in war. They were not always rich in resources, that was a development they made for themselves.
That’s why we were still losing. Their battle line was pressing forward in a cohesive unit, pushing back even Bogdan and even Mykael.
I was not as I am now. I was a werewolf. Standing on two hind legs I stood at the edge of the treeline, watching the battle. My eyes were larger, seeing better in the falling darkness as the battle raged into the dusk. Black fur, thick legs and arms, two wicked swords in my paws. I wore heavy armor, half as thick as Bogdan’s and wore it easily, as a werewolf I am much stronger.
With me were a thousand werewolves, the greatest pack the world has ever and will ever see. Enormous werewolves with two handed swords or axes, slighter ones with swords and shields, each as different as the last. With us were nearly four thousand wolves, the four legged type. They answered our call.
Raven stands with me, even darker black fur. I spared the briefest of moments to nuzzle her face. Then I threw back my head and howled, a different sound from a wolf than a man. It was long one, a howl for blood and war and five thousand voices joined in.
Then we charged ahead.
“I remember.” I say.
“I heard it that night, the night we came to you.” He says, his fingers on the gold pin at his chest, the one that holds his deep red cloak that marks him for the Royal Guard, with the white eagle.
I remember that night too. It was an entire war ago but I remember it.
“Mournful.” Tychus says, pulling the pin from his cloak and holding it in his palm. “It was a mournful howl. It was that bad?”
“It was.” I say. Tychus closes his eyes and shakes his head.
“I’m sorry, Lycenius, I really am.”
I hear boots thundering on the vault floors, dozens of them. Tychus turns to face the arriving guard, they form two ranks and their halberds drop into a forest of pointed tips.
“Shit.” I say, hands itching. Tychus’ hand touches my shoulder.
“Thanks for bringing back the key.” He says. “About a hundred feet past the book there’s a stone in the wall, discolored, three feet off the floor. Push it, opens a tunnel out.”
He turns, cloak falling from his shoulders when he does. He throws the gold pin at the forest of halberds and they are confused.
“Tychus?” One of the guards asks.
“He’s betrayed them, Lycenius was good to me and I won’t stand for it. It’s all a lie!”
I stand, rooted in place, watching this unfold. Tychus is staring down a dozen of his own, for me. I don’t see the young one and for that I am grateful. Tychus stands in just his armor now and he shifts his feet on the stone floor, hand resting on the hilt of his sword, having forsaken his own halberd.
“They’re monsters, Tychus. Monsters.” The same guard says, staring at me with nothing but hate in his eyes. We were fools to think they could ever accept us. This was always going to be the outcome.
“I’m sorry, Lycenius. You’re going to have to fight without me later, that will be eternal shame.” Tychus says to me. “Go, go now.”
“Tychus…”
“Go!” Tychus’ voice rings out in the space. When he looks over his shoulder his eyes are set, his body determined, he is ready for this. He gives me a single nod then he smiles.
Tychus throws back his head and howls. It is a poor approximation but it is an approximation, it is a war howl and it chills me and even brings a mist to my eyes. I howl with him, then when it is done I nod to him and he returns his attention to the others.
“Come on then.” He says, when they don’t move. Tychus bats aside the first halberd tips and the fighting starts. My hands itch for a fight but it would demean what he is doing. And if I died, which seems likely, I would not be able to warn the others. So, I leave him there, turning away and I am only left with the sound of steel on steel.
The sounds of the fighting last long enough for me to find the stone before silence falls, heavy and grim. Near the stone there is the unconscious form of the younger guard, perhaps unwilling to join Tychus in this act of defiance or perhaps Tychus was unwilling to allow it.
I take a brief pause to give thanks to Tychus, may the Moonmother grant him a place in her halls, for he is one of us now. We will remember him, the pack will remember him.
“I’m sorry.” I whisper to the younger guard that I do not know. He stirs, moaning.
I push the stone and there is a grating of gears behind the wall, slowly opening to reveal a dark tunnel out of the vaults and to some unknown exit. I step into the darkness and the door closes behind me.
I race ahead into the darkness. I have to warn the others.
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2020.08.10 16:57 rovnrev Girls spying on naked men

1980


1985

Late 1980's
Trump told New York magazine in 2002 that he had known Epstein for 15 years, suggesting they met around 1987.
Source

1989

1990
Trump reportedly told a former adviser, Roger Stone, that when he visited Epstein's home the pool was filled with girls. Trump said he thought it was nice that Epstein let "the neighborhood kids use his pool".
Q. Now, Mr. Trump had a home in Palm Beach, correct?
A. Uh-huh.
Q. So he didn't come and stay there, did he?
A. No, never.
Q. He would come for a meal?
A. He would come, have dinner. He never sat at the table. He eat with me in the kitchen.
Q. Did he ever have massages while he was there?
A. No. Because he's got his own spa.

1991
Stacy Wilkes competed in the 1991 [Look of the Year] contest as a sixteen-year-old, representing the United States. She remembers Trump coming into their dressing area during the contest, more than once. “I would feel really uncomfortable, because every time we would change, it was like Trump would find a reason to come backstage to see all the teenagers,” she told us. “When you’re doing a runway show, they have to strip you down and change you....There was no need for him to be back there.” Trump never tried to justify his presence backstage but would just walk in and start making jokes. The girls didn’t feel that they were free to complain. “We were afraid to say anything bad when he was around because we didn’t want anything to hurt our chances of winning,” Wilkes said. “We were all young teenagers.” Wilkes’s roommate ended up spending the night with one of the celebrity judges, Wilkes said, and later won one of the prizes.
“He was gropey...he had his hands in the most inappropriate places, always,” [NaKina] Carr said. [Editor’s note: NaKina Carr was working as a runway model for Oscar de la Renta.] “When he went in to kiss someone, the hand always went to either the hip or the butt. He was also really good when he did pictures or when he’d side-hug someone. He’d always get his hand on the boob. Every time.” Stories about Trump and his hands circulated within the modeling community. At one modeling event, Trump allegedly went down a line of women feeling their bodies to guess their dress size. Backstage at a lingerie show, he is said to have moved his hands all over a model’s breasts under the guise of inspecting the bra’s fabric.

1992
In 1992, the women were flown in for a "calendar girl" competition that Trump had requested, the former Trump associate, George Houraney, told The Times.
"At the very first party, I said, 'Who's coming tonight? I have 28 girls coming,'" Houraney said. "It was him and Epstein."
He added: "I said: 'Donald, this is supposed to be a party with VIPs. You're telling me it's you and Epstein?'"
Houraney also apparently once warned Trump about Epstein.
"Look, Donald, I know Jeff really well, I can't have him going after younger girls," Houraney recalled telling Trump. "He said: 'Look I'm putting my name on this. I wouldn't put my name on it and have a scandal.'"
Houraney had a falling out with Trump after his girlfriend accused Trump of making unwanted sexual advances in the early 1990s.

1994
The Plaintiff, Katie Johnson, alleges she was subject to extreme sexual and physical abuse by the Defendants, Donald J. Trump and Jeffrey E. Epstein, including forcible rape during a four month time span covering the months of June-September 1994 when Plaintiff Johnson was still only a minor of age 13.
The Plaintiff, Katie Johnson, alleges she was enticed by promises of money and a modeling career to attend a series of underage sex parties held at the New York City residence of Defendant Jeffrey E. Epstein and attended by Defendant Donald J. Trump.

1995

1996
Trump entered the Miss Teen USA changing room where girls as young as 15 were in various states of undress.
“He just came strolling right in,” Dixon said. “There was no second to put a robe on or any sort of clothing or anything. Some girls were topless. Others girls were naked. Our first introduction to him was when we were at the dress rehearsal and half-naked changing into our bikinis.”

1997
In an interview last week with The Post, Mark Epstein said Trump flew on the plane “numerous times” but said he was only present for one flight.
“They were good friends,” Mark Epstein said. “I know [Trump] is trying to distance himself, but they were.” He added that Trump used to comp Epstein’s mother and aunt at one of Trump’s Atlantic City casino hotels. When a Post reporter sought further details, Mark Epstein hung up.
Trump unexpectedly entered the Miss Teen USA dressing room, the reigning Miss Universe, Brook Antoinette Mahealani Lee, recalls Trump asking her about the looks of his daughter Ivanka, who was co-hosting the pageant. “‘Don’t you think my daughter’s hot? She’s hot, right?'” Mahealani Lee recalls Trump saying.

1998
Several models who worked for Epstein associate Jean-Luc Brunel, who allegedly helped procure for him underage girls, tell of being taken to swank parties at Mar-a-Lago. Zoe Brock, a New Zealander who quit Brunel’s agency in Paris in 1991 after, she says, she was on the receiving end of his unwanted sexual advances at age 17, still has the wristband from when, while with another agency, she and other young girls and women were taken together on a bus from Miami to Mar-a-Lago in 1998.
At 24, she was one of the eldest women on the bus to Mar-a-Lago, many she is sure were underage.

1999
“And the other interesting thing is Trump had a modeling agency, and Epstein also had a stake in a modeling agency, which they suspect he used to bring in underage girls from overseas,” Brown said. “There is a comment in one of the court files where Epstein is quoted as saying, ‘I want to set up my modeling agency the same way Trump set up his modeling agency.’ I don’t know what that means, but it is curious he was trying to do something similar to Trump.”

2000
“He’s not pretentious,” says Trump. “He’s a lot of fun to be with.” Maxwell seemed to think so too.
'I remember flying on Trump's plane from LaGuardia to Palm Beach, with Trump and Melania and some of his relatives on board,' the writer said.
'Jeffrey Epstein, Ghislaine Maxwell, and the girl in question were late for the appointed take off time, which is why I remember it so well.
'What I do remember thinking about the girl though is that she was pretty, attractive. She was of an indeterminate age, though I realized she was young - I thought she could be anywhere from 15 to 20.
'She seemed to want to go unnoticed, she didn't talk to anybody and decided to be a wallflower while we were on the plane.

2002
Epstein likes to tell people that he’s a loner, a man who’s never touched alcohol or drugs, and one whose nightlife is far from energetic. And yet if you talk to Donald Trump, a different Epstein emerges. “I’ve known Jeff for fifteen years. Terrific guy,” Trump booms from a speakerphone. “He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side. No doubt about it — Jeffrey enjoys his social life.”
Some of the businessmen who dine with him at his home—they include newspaper publisher Mort Zuckerman, banker Louis Ranieri, Revlon chairman Ronald Perelman, real-estate tycoon Leon Black, former Microsoft executive Nathan Myhrvold, Tom Pritzker (of Hyatt Hotels), and real-estate personality Donald Trump—sometimes seem not all that clear as to what he actually does to earn his millions. Certainly, you won’t find Epstein’s transactions written about on Bloomberg or talked about in the trading rooms. “The trading desks don’t seem to know him. It’s unusual for animals that big not to leave any footprints in the snow,” says a high-level investment manager.

2003
Where: East Side townhouse
Table seats: 30
Guest list: Mort Zuckerman, Google co-founder Sergey Brin, David Blaine, Donald Trump, Leslie Wexner of the Limited, disgraced British Cabinet minister Peter Mandelson, Bill Clinton aide Doug Band
Menu: Private chef, though last month Rocco DiSpirito cooked dinner after Epstein bid $50,000 for his services at a Hamptons charity.
Make it MY place: Epstein hates restaurants, so he often entertains at home. “The dialogues are so engaging that serving even the most extraordinary food sometimes seems inappropriate, like eating pizza at the ballet,” he says.
“I had rich shock!” one stunned guest says about Epstein’s house, which the owner claims is the largest private dwelling in the city. At a recent dinner organized by Ghislaine Maxwell, Blaine amused a group of barely clad models with card tricks. Alas, Clinton—around whom the evening had been organized—never showed, though his Secret Service would have appreciated Epstein’s numerous security cameras.

2004
"Can you imagine the sex with this troubled teen?" said Stern.
"Yeah, you're probably right," Trump said. "She's probably deeply troubled and therefore great in bed. How come the deeply troubled women, you know, deeply, deeply troubled, they're always the best in bed?"

2005
The Trump campaign did not offer a response to either story, but in a 2005 appearance on Howard Stern’s show, Trump bragged about doing exactly what the women describe. “I’ll go backstage before a show, and everyone’s getting dressed and ready and everything else,” he said.

2006

2007
Meanwhile, the Mar-a-Lago Club in Palm Beach last night confirmed a Web site report that Epstein has been banned there. “He would use the spa to try to procure girls. But one of them, a masseuse about 18 years old, he tried to get her to do things,” a source told us. “Her father found out about it and went absolutely ape-[bleep]. Epstein’s not allowed back.” Epstein denies he is banned from Mar-a-Lago and says, in fact, he was recently invited to an event there.
Another club member explained that Trump "kicked Epstein out after Epstein harassed the daughter of a member. The way this person described it, such an act could irreparably harm the Trump brand, leaving Donald no choice but to remove Epstein,"
A footnote in the book says the authors were shown the club's registry from more than a decade earlier and that Epstein in fact had been a member until October 2007.
Nunberg, told the Times that Trump was well aware of Epstein’s sordid sexual history, but only took action to distance himself after the public found out about his behavior. According to Nunberg, when he tried to raise concerns about Trump’s ties to Epstein during the 2016 campaign, Trump insisted he had sufficiently distanced himself from his former friend, telling Nunberg, “I kicked him out of the clubs when this stuff became public, and I made sure NBC knew.”

2008

2009
He said in a recent interview that he had served subpoenas on many connected people in 2009, and that Trump was “the only person who picked up the phone and said, ‘Let’s just talk. I’ll give you as much time as you want.’”
Edwards added that Trump “was very helpful, in the information that he gave,” calling it “good information that checked out and that helped us.” And, he said, Trump “gave no indication whatsoever that he was involved in anything untoward whatsoever.”
When asked about a subpoena served to Trump in 2009, Garten said it "never happened." The subpoena called for Trump to give a deposition in a case against Epstein; Garten's denial baffled Brad Edwards, one of Virginia Roberts' attorneys.
"There is no debate over what happened," Edwards told VICE news. "I served Mr. Trump with a subpoena for deposition in 2009. He talked to me voluntarily, and consequently we withdrew the subpoena in light of his voluntarily providing information…. I can't imagine there being any dispute of any of this."

2010
Q: Have you ever had a personal relationship with Donald Trump?
A. What do you mean by "personal relationship," sir?
Q. Have you socialized with him?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Yes?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Have you ever socialized with Donald Trump in the presence of females under the age of 18?
A: Though I'd like to answer that question, at least today I'm going to have to assert my Fifth, Sixth, and 14th Amendment rights, sir.

2015
In the week or so leading up to his CPAC speech, David Pecker, who owned the Enquirer until it was sold in ruin earlier this year, visited Trump on the 26th floor of Trump Tower, bringing along an issue with a Prince Andrew and Epstein-related cover, according to people familiar with the meeting. Pecker, of course, was in the business of protecting Trump. An early supporter of his presidential campaign, Pecker has helped “catch and kill” at least two stories involving the real estate mogul and women who claimed to have had affairs with him.
After the meeting Trump called in Sam Nunberg, then a Trump Organization employee, who saw Pecker leaving Trump’s office. “Michael was sitting in there when I came in, and the issue of the National Enquirer with the pictures of Prince Andrew was on his desk,” Nunberg recalled. “He said not to tell anyone, but that Pecker had just been there and had brought the issue with him. Trump said that Pecker had told him that the pictures of Clinton that Epstein had from his island were worse.” (Cohen, speaking by phone from the Federal Correctional Institution in Otisville, corroborated Nunberg’s version of the events, though he declined to add any additional information about the meeting.)
During the meeting with Pecker, Trump went on about how Epstein was known for this behavior, according to a person familiar with the conversation.

2017
Back in 2008, when Alex Acosta was U.S. attorney for the Southern District of Florida, his office secretly cut a sweetheart deal for child rapist and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein. Now Acosta has been watching as increasingly damning evidence piles up, revealing that he was responsible for letting Epstein off the hook the first time around

2018
Mr. Epstein called and asked if I’d like to have dinner that Saturday with him and Woody Allen. I said I’d be out of town. A few weeks after that, he asked me to join him for dinner with the author Michael Wolff and Donald J. Trump’s former adviser, Steve Bannon.
Barr was asked if he would investigate the handling of a decade-old Florida plea deal that let Epstein escape responsibility for his conduct. He said he thought his former law firm was involved in the case so he might have to recuse.

2019
“I can understand people who immediately, whose minds went to sort of the worst-case scenario because it was a perfect storm of screw-ups,” Barr told the AP

2020
The president bolstered his legal team Friday with attorneys Alan Dershowitz and Kenneth Starr, who helped Epstein evade prison time in a now infamously lenient plea deal with Palm Beach prosecutors. Epstein originally faced multiple charges of soliciting and trafficking underage girls, but escaped with just 13 months of house arrest in a deal that caused Trump’s Labor Secretary Alex Acosta to resign under pressure last year.
Barr’s father was the headmaster of an elite New York City school that hired college dropout Epstein to teach math and physics. Do these circumstances amount to a conflict of interest requiring mandatory recusal? Barr, apparently after consulting with career ethics officials at DOJ, concluded they did not.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Are these points just coincidences?
Proximity:
301 E 66th St, New York, NY since the early 90s. 1.5 miles from Trump Tower Source 1 Source 2 Source 3
9 East 71st Street, New York, NY since 1989 or 1996. 1.1 miles from Trump Tower Source 1 Source 2
475 Madison Avenue, New York, NY J. Epstein & Co. and a charitable foundation named "Epstein Interests." since atleast 1991. 0.3 miles from Trump Tower Source 1 Source 2

358 El Brillo Way, Palm Beach, FL. Just 1.4 miles or a 5 minute drive from Mar-A-Lago. Source 1 Source 2

People:
Alan Dershowitz, Kenneth Starr, Alex Acosta, William Barr, Steve Bannon, Bill Clinton, Prince Andrew all connected to both Trump and Epstein.

Modeling:
Epstein used modeling agent Jean-Luc Brunel to source underage girls Source
Trump runs Miss Universe Organization along with Miss USA and Miss Teen USA from 1996 to 2017. Source Trump runs Trump Model Management from 1999 to 2017 Source.
Epstein sets up his own modeling agency, saying 'I want to set up my modeling agency the same way Trump set up his modeling agency.' Source 1 Source 2 Source 3

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

These are the indisputable facts
Trumps Knowledge of Epstein:
Trump was warned about Epstein as early as 1992 by George Houraney.
Trump does not distance himself or make negative statements about Epstein or Prince Andrew until after tabloid stories about Epstein are published in 2006.
Can anyone find Trump calling out his close associates for their pedophilia prior to 2006? I cant find anything prior to 2007 on Epstein and 2015 on Prince Andrew.

Epstein and Maxwell have a history back to at least 1992 with Trump
Clear evidence shows Epstein, Maxwell, and Trump together at Mar-A-Lago and in NYC. Not just a few photographs, a mountain of photographs and tabloid articles spanning many years and many events together.
Epstein, Maxwell, and Trump flew together on more than one occasion, on Epstein's Gulfstream and on Trump's 727.

Epstein's black book contained contact info for Trump in 2004.
14 phone numbers for Donald Trump, including emergency numbers, car numbers, and numbers to Trump's security guard and houseman, Trump's former wife Ivana, his daughter Ivanka, and his brother Robert.

Trump praised Epstein and wishes Maxwell well
Trump's language about Epstein and Maxwell is only positive. 2009 is the only time Trump speaks negatively of Epstein, and even then we do not have Bradley Edwards notes or recordings of the "dirt" Trump spilled on Epstein.
Trump's harshest words? “I’m not a fan of his,” the president said. And outright lies that Epstein was not a member of Mar-A-Lago, easily disproved. Source 1 Source 2

Trump's Mar-A-Lago was used by Maxwell and Epstein to recruit underage Virginia Roberts:
Its all in the docs
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2020.08.09 17:42 puzzledpropellerhat Spying naked girls on men

Part 1/2 here.

> You go back to the sewer with Tom.
You walk back to the sewers with Tom, and find your way out.
"Sorry for the wait," the Count says, appearing behind you.
"It's fine," you reply.
> You say "Count, will you help us examine this sewer? We killed a werewolf there."
"Yes, of course," he says.
The Count leads you to the sewer, and begins to study it.
> You walk to the end of the sewer.
The sewers are dark and damp. You walk along, past the excrement and rotting corpses. You see a figure crouched against the wall.
"Wait!" Count Grey says.
> You say "Who or what is it, Count?"
"A victim," Count Grey says. "It's poor Viceroy Youngblood, a close acquaintance of mine. He was eating the corpses that he had slaughtered for food."
"I see.
> You say "Tom and Count, take the Viceroy to the town doctor. All expenses on me. I will continue examining the sewer."
"Got it," Tom says.
The Count leads you to the other end of the sewer.
"Tom, take a look at this," he says.
> You say "What is it?"
"It's the excrement that the rats have left behind. It's actually rather interesting."
"I don't see..."
Suddenly, a mutant rat bursts out of the excrement.
> You shoot the mutant rat to the eyes.
The mutant rat squeals in pain, and you wince.
"Tom, your gun's loud," you say.
"Fine," Tom says. "Count, look at this."
> You say "What now?"
"I don't know. It's just... interesting."
Suddenly, the mutant rat bursts out of the excrement again, this time sprinting directly at you. You scream, and start sprinting away.
> You say "Tom! Count! Help me! Shoot the rat! Shoot the rat!"
"What? I don't follow," Tom says.
"The rat! Shoot the rat!" you shout.
The three of you turn around, and start sprinting after the rat.
> You shoot the rat in the cheek.
The rat squeals in pain, and you wince.
"Tom, your gun's loud," the Count says. "Maybe you should..."
"Fine!" Tom says.
> You shoot the rat in the ass.
The rat squeals in pain, and you wince.
"Tom, your gun's loud," the Count says.

This guy Count is quite sensitive. 
"I don't care! Shoot the rat!" Tom shouts.
> You say "Tom and Count, shoot the rat!"
"Fine," the Count says.
The two of them start shooting at the rat, and it goes down.
"Well, I guess we're done here," Tom says.
> You search for exit outside.
You look for an exit outside, and find a ladder leading up to it.
> You climb up the ladder.
You climb up the ladder outside, and find yourself in a guard tower. You can see a wooden door in front of you, which you can reach if you jump.
You hear howling in the distance.
> You go back to the Red mansion.
You sprint back to the Red mansion, and meet up with Tom and the Count.
"Where's the werewolf?" the Count asks.
"There's a howl. We're being attacked!" Tom says.
> You say "Don't be scared. We killed one of them already. Let's build a trap in front of the mansion."
"Good idea," the Count says.
You all enter the mansion, and go to your study.
"OK. We have a wolf. It howls at night. Now, we need to build a trap,"
> You build a werewolf trap in front of the Red mansion.
You build a simple pitfall in front of the Red mansion, and cover it in branches and leaves.
"That should do it," you say.
"Good job. That was a good idea,"
> You say "Let's go inside and have some drugs with Megan"
You follow Tom and the Count into the mansion.
"Tom, let's have some drinks, and then we can go to your room," Count Grey says.
"OK, sure,"
> You say "Megan, do you want some drugs? "
"Sure!" Megan says.
You walk into Tom's room.
"Don't mind the mess," Tom says, gesturing to the empty bottles and packets scattered across his floor.
> You give drugs to Megan, Tom and Count.
You walk into the room and find Count Grey, Megan and Tom lying on the floor.
"What's wrong?" you ask.
"I've found a vein!" Megan says.
I just realized how hauntingly accurate this was. Sad. 
> You take drugs.
You walk into the room and find Count Grey, Megan and Tom lying on the floor.
"What's wrong?" you ask.
"I've found a vein!" Megan says.
> You dance and sing and drink booze.
You dance and sing and drink alcohol until the sun comes up.
The next morning, you wake up. You have no idea how you got here, but it looks like you're staying here for a while.
> You examine the werewolf trap.
You walk over to the werewolf trap, and examine it.
It's a simple pitfall covered in branches and leaves.
> You find Megan.
You walk down the hallway, and find Megan in a short red dress, petting Tom's dog, Death.
"Oh, it's you," she says, when she notices you.
> You say "What happened last night? I've lost my memory because of all the drugs and booze."
"I found a vein!" Megan says.
"You found a vein?" you ask. "What do you mean? We all found a vein."
"I found a vein! It was... odd,"
> You say "I think you're still on drugs. Let's find Tom."
You walk back to the study room.
"Tom! Count Grey! We have to find the Count," you say.
"Huh?" Tom says, opening his eyes.
> You say "Tom, do you know where the Count is?"
"Huh?" Tom says, opening his eyes.
"Hey! There you are!" Count Grey says.
> You say "Everybody here! Great. I have to inform you, that the werewolf trap is still empty."
"The what?" Tom asks.
"The werewolf trap!" you say. "We have to kill the werewolf."
"No, I haven't seen the Count," Tom says.
> You go to the doctor to meet Viceroy Youngbool.
You walk out of the mansion and over to the mansion's doctor, who is walking out of it.
"Hey," you say. "Do you know where the Count is?"
"I'm sorry?"
> You say "Never mind. Can you take me to Viceroy?"
"Sure, sure," he says.
You walk into the mansion and find the viceroy sitting in a chair, seemingly in a daze.
> You say "Viceroy, how are you feeling?"
"Huh? Oh, I'm fine. Where is the Count?"
"He's missing," you say.
"Hmm, I see. Tell me, are there werewolves in the area?"
"Yes."
> You say "Doctor, how is the woman?"
"She's in a bad way, but she's still alive."
"The Countess?"
"Yes. Do you know where the Count is?"
"I don't know," the doctor says.
> You search for the Count with Megan, Tom and Viceroy.
You walk into the mansion and find Count Grey, Megan, Viceroy and Doctor Malton walking out of it.
"There you are," Count Grey says. "We've finished searching the place.
> You say "What did you find?"
"Nothing. The count is missing, and his mansion is deserted."
"Have you told the Viceroy?
> You say "I think you're all still on drugs. Count Grey is right there. Should we do some more drugs, or hunt the werewolf?"
"Werewolf?" Doctor Malton asks. "I've never seen a werewolf."
"Well, it's what this is," you say.
"Werewolves don't exist!" the viceroy says.
> You say "There's a dead werewolf in the sewer, if you want to see one."
"We need to tell the Emperor," the viceroy says. "He'll know what to do."
You walk outside and find your carriage waiting for you.
> You open the carriage door.
Just a test in advancing with smaller steps. 
You open the carriage door and sit down, waiting for your driver to get going.
Suddenly, the Viceroy runs up to you and whispers in your ear.
"There are werewolves in the area. We have to warn the Emperor."
You nod and close the carriage door, before the viceroy starts running towards the mansion again.
> You say "Make sure to wear the chest hats."
You walk outside and find your carriage waiting for you.
"Where to now, sir?" the driver asks.
> You say "I have to see the Emperor, it seems."
The carriage ride is long and boring, as there's nothing to do but think. Eventually, you arrive at the Emperor's palace.
"We're here," the driver says. "Good luck, sir."
> You put a chest on drivers head.
You put a chest on the driver's head and grab your bags, before walking into the palace.
"Welcome to the Emperor's palace!" a soldier says.
> You put a chest on soldiers head.
The soldier stares at you blankly, before a look of realization appears on his face.
"Ah! You're the one who has been hunting werewolves!" he says.
> You say "And more importantly, I've created a chest hat empire. I have a free redwood chest hat for your Empire. Also I need to talk about werewolves."
"Werewolves?" the soldier says. "We haven't had any werewolves here for a century.
> You say "There was one under my mansion in a sewer. Anyway, I really need to discuss this with the Emperor."
The soldier looks at you, and his eyes fill with fear.
"Um...okay sir," he says.
The soldier walks away, and you follow him through the palace. Eventually, you reach a huge hall, where a large table is set, with all the heads of the important royal families of the Empire.
> You say "Greetings. I have a free chest hat for you all. Please wear them always, they protect you from the werewolves."
"Werewolves?" the Count of Locksley says. "I've never heard of werewolves."
> You put a chest on everyones head.
The other royalty quickly puts on the chest hats, and then you continue your speech.
> You say "We killed a werewolf in the sewer of my mansion. We also heard howling outside. "
The royals look a bit concerned, but the King raises his hand.
"Yes, Peter?" he asks.
"Have you actually seen a werewolf, sire?"
"No.
> You say "I can assure you we killed one. It can be seen in my mansion any time."
"You say that you've seen one?" the King asks. "Where?"
"It's fine if you don't believe me. I'll prove it."
> You say "As I said, we saw one in the sewer below my mansion. We killed it. It had caged a woman there, partly eaten her. We need the army to search the nearby woods for more werewolves immediately. I will give free chest hats in exchange."
The King looks concerned.
"I'm not sending my men to their deaths for free hats."
"You must! The werewolves could be anywhere, and if they find our borders, we're doomed."
> You say "These are premium redwood chest hats. Like the ones you are wearing now. Everybody has one, if you follow your time. I ask you to reconsider."
The King looks at you, and the chest hats in front of him. You've given him the perfect excuse to raise money from the public, as they are very popular with the royal family.
> You say "I see you see the possibilities in this arrangement. Bring the army to scout the woods for the werewolf today please."
"Yes, yes, of course. I'll have them go tomorrow instead though."
> You say "Thank you, Emperor. I'll go back to guarding my mansion."
You walk out of the hall, leaving the head of the army standing nervously in front of the King. He looks worried, and you motion him to come with you.
> You say "You might come in handy. But first, wear this chest hat."
The soldier puts on the hat, and his face lights up.
"It's like I'm part of a royal family!" he laughs.
You laugh as well, and your bond of trust is made.
This was beautiful :) 
> You go back to the Red Mansion with the head of the army.
You return to the Red mansion, and as you suspected, a single dead body is in the foyer. You check for a pulse, but there isn't one. You smell the blood to confirm.
> You say "Who is this dead body?"
"Some werewolf hunter. He's a bit... warm, but he's dead."
"Well, this won't be an easy mission. We need to find out what happened here."
The soldier looks nervous.
> You examine tracks.
The Wolf tracks lead to the wine cellar, where they disappear.
"Well, they lead into the wine cellar," the soldier says. "Probably to let the wine smell off of them before pouncing.
> You say "Go in the cellar to have a look and report back."
You enter the wine cellar, and immediately, a musty smell hits your nose. You walk along, looking at the bottles, but you see pawprints in the dust on the floor.
> You follow the prints.
You follow the prints into a corner of the cellar, where you find a young woman, covered in blood.
"Well, well, well. Look who's still alive."
> You say "Woman, what is your name?"
"I'm not talking to you. You're one of the Hunters, aren't you? I knew we were seeing more of you."
The woman bares her teeth, snarling.
> You say "Soldier, capture this woman immediately and bring him to my mansions prison."
The soldier nods, and orders the girl to be taken away. He's told to wait for further orders. You're lead to the prisoner van.
> You go to the Red mansion.
You arrive at the Red mansion, and a soldier lets you in.
Wait. It's my mansion? 
"Go up to the second floor, the Emperor is waiting for you."
You thank the soldier, and head up.
> You say "Megan, we found a woman. She seems to be a werewolf. She's in our prison now."
"Excellent. Thanks for doing this, love."
"Anytime."
You give Megan a kiss, before heading into your next mission.
> You visit the Emperor.
You find the Emperor in his study. He stands as you enter, wearing an eye patch over his left eye. He extends his good hand to you.
> You say "What are you doing in my mansion?"
The Emperor laughs.
"I thought we had settled this a long time ago. I know you don't like being called that, but you're acting more like a vampire now than you ever did."
You frown.
> You say "What are you talking about?"
"Calling you by your name. It's disrespectful. You are no longer a mere servant, nor a mere mortal. You are my equal."
"I'm not a vampire."
The Emperor laughs again.
> You say "How did you like the redwood chest hats?"
The Emperor's eyes narrow.
"I don't see why I should be wearing a hat just because you like the colour.
> You say "It is the new craze, I assure you. Just give it a chance. Here's a pine chest hat if you like it more than the redwood one."
The Emperor laughs.
"Are you mocking me?"
Well, it _is_ the peasant version :D 
"Of course not, but you will have to realize that just because something is in style or popular doesn't mean it's good for you."
> You say "But, these chest hats will also protect you from the werewolves. We found one on the way over here, transformed back into a woman."
"Then it's fortunate that you were here, and not William. I'd have to kill you both to get the information I need."
You nod slowly, thinking. The Emperor grabs your shoulder and stares at you.
> You say "The werewolf woman is in my prison now."
"Good. Now, let's go get her."
The Emperor leads you out of his mansion, into the night.
> You say "I own the Red mansion, not you."
"Don't get insolent with me, boy. I'm in charge of the city."
You sigh, shaking your head.
> You say "Then I'll move to another one. My business is global."
The Emperor chuckles.
> You go visit the werewolf woman in the Red mansion prison.
You walk into the prison, and immediately you're hit by the smell of fresh blood and rotting corpses. You walk forward, seeing the woman sitting on the floor. She turns to look at you, smiling.
> You say "Here she is. What should we do with her, Emperor?"
The Emperor sighs, and walks forward.
"Ah, yes. The infamous monster of the night, Kate. My intelligence says you've been hunting down werewolves, has anyone challenged your feat yet?"
> You say "We killed one in the sewer. This woman did not resist."
The Emperor pauses, and then nods.
> You say "What should we do with her?"
"I'm going to assume that you're a good person at heart. It's best if we keep such creatures on the inside, so they don't start associating humans with food."
> You say "I can take care of her, for a fee."
"Don't be absurd. I'd fire you for suggesting such a thing. However, since we're here I'm going to ask you anyway. How much?"
You open your mouth to protest, before pausing.
> You say "Fifty thousand coins every month for every werewolf we find. You get a complementary premium redwood chest hat."
The Emperor pauses, before smiling.
"Done. Consider yourself hired, Kate. We'll be expecting your monthly bill by the end of this week."
What just happened? He hired the werewolf and not me?? 
You nod.
> You lead the Emperor out of the Red mansion.
You lead the Emperor through the Red mansion, before opening up a portal to his ship.
"Well, that's it. I've done my job."
"Very good, your job is done,"
> You meet Megan in the Red mansion garden.
You walk into the garden, and see Megan sitting in a swing. She pauses, pushing herself back and staring at you.
"Ah, it's you. Have you finished stalking my garden yet?
> You say "The Emperor said I'm a vampire. Why would he say something like that? Do you think he is okay in the head? I'm not sure even the chest hat helps him."
Megan smiles.
"The Emperor is the Emperor. I'd be careful if I were you."
"I'll keep that in mind."
"You should. It might be best if you left the city."
> You say "Just me? What about you? You're my chest hat wife, remember?"
Megan sighs, smiling.
"Just you? You're actually more like a cow that's just laying there to be eaten by the Dragon King."
You're going to pay for that, darling. 
"Dragon King?
> You take Megan to the sewers.
You lead Megan to the sewers, and pull out your pistol.
"Alright, we need to kill the Alpha Werewolf.
"Wait, the Alpha?
> You put Megan in the cage and lock the door.
You lead Megan into the cage, and lock the door.
"Now, we wait."
"The night will be long. We'll need to do this every month."
"You can stay in here."
> You go out of the sewer and lock the gate.
You go out of the sewer and lock the gate.
"I'll be back soon. I just need to get some supplies."
Right :D 
> You go ask Tom about the Dragon King.
You walk over to Tom, who seems quite happy with his life.
"Hey Tom, you know about the Dragon King, right? He is supposed to come here to collect werewolves."
"A King huh? I always thought there was some sort of higher power at work. Well it doesn't matter I guess. The pack's not going anywhere.
> You go find the Count and ask him about the Dragon King.
You walk down the street, and see Count Grey. He's quite old, but he still looks like a vampire.
> You say "So. The Emperor just claimed that I'm a vampire. Crazy huh?"
"Yes. Crazy."
"So, is the Emperor crazy?"
"I don't know. Perhaps. You can ask him when you meet him.
> You say "Do you know anything about a Dragon King?"
"I know nothing about any Dragon King."
"So if you don't know anything, you can't help me?"
"That is correct."
You sigh.
> You go ask the Doctor about the Dragon King.
You walk into the Doctor's office, where the Doctor is examining a large tome. He looks up at you, frowning.
"Well? What do you want?
> You say "Do you know anything about the Dragon King?"
"The Dragon King? I don't think we had any encounters with them. No."
You sigh in exasperation.
> You say "How is the woman we found from the sewer cage?"
"The albino? She's been released, though understandably she's a little paranoid.
You frown.
"Why was she in a cage in the first place?"
> You say "A werewolf was feeding on her."
"Wait. We had a werewolf in our possession?"
"Yes, the albino you saw in the cage was in our possession. She was an escaped slave we were trying to return her to her owner."
> You say "There's a werewolf woman in our prison if you want to study her. But don't hurt her."
"Why would we want to hurt her?
> You say "You doctors seem to be eager to dice up specimens. So nothing like that. And remember to wear your chest hat. "
The Doctor nods, before looking at the time.
"Oh dear, I must go. Duty calls. "
"Alright. Thanks for your help doc."
> You go to the chest hat factory.
You walk down the street, and bump into an old man walking a mastiff.
"Sorry sir."
The old man nods.
> You say "Excuse me sir, do you happen to know anything about a Dragon King?"
The old man raises an eyebrow.
"A Dragon King? No, I don't think we had any encounters with them. No."
You frown.
"How is the woman we found from the sewer cage?"
I'm not gonna spend another minute with you, you random spy. 
> You go to the chest hat factory.
You arrive at the hat factory, and walk inside. The factory is huge, and you wonder how the hell the workers do it all with one group of people.
> You say "Hobos. Do you know anything about a Dragon King?"
The man looks at you, before looking at the floor.
"I... I'm sorry sir, but I don't."
You nod, and turn to leave.
"Thanks for your time."
> You go to the sewer and free Megan from the cage.
You walk down the sewer, and enter the alleys. You stop when you hear a scream.
> You fetch Tom.
You enter an alley, and Tom stands there, holding a knife to the throat of a woman.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Tom turns to you, his eyes full of lust.
> You say "You still on drugs mate? Let that poor woman go. We have to go and free Megan from the sewer. I locked her there because she called me a cow. "
Tom snarls and throws the woman to the ground.
"So what do you want?"
You look at Tom, sighing.
> You say "Calm down and follow me to the sewer."
"Fine."
You walk along the alleys, until you come across Megan. She stands there, naked and covered in blood.
> You say "Oops. Megan honey, you still alive? Babe?"
Megan turns to you, terror in her eyes.
"What the hell do you think you're doing? I'm so, so thirsty..."
I feel bad now. 
Tom walks up behind you, and grabs your arm.
> You put a chest hat on Megan's and Tom's heads.
You take the chest hat from Tom, and place it on both of their heads.
"Hey! Get your hands off me!"
You turn to Megan, and put the hat on her head.
> You take Megan to the hospital.
You put an arm around her, and walk her along.
"Hang on there, I'm taking you to the doc."
You pull Megan along, as she pulls her clothes back on.
> You say "Megan, where would you like to move?"
"I don't care. You."
You shrug, and continue walking.
> You say "Maybe Murica. Or the desert. I bet werewolves don't like the desert."
"I don't care."
You shrug, and continue walking.
After a few minutes of silence, Megan speaks again.
"How old are you?"
"Twenty.
> You say "And you?"
"Fourteen. Ooh, I can get a job at the brothel if I'm careful."
My Megan?! 
"How do you know all this stuff? You're way too young to be leaving.
> You say "Let's pack up our stuff and move to Murica."
"I read a lot. I want to see what it's like to have freedom. You've been so nice to me."
You sigh, and Megan smiles.
> You say "You'll always be my chest hat wife. Just never call me a cow again."
"Deal."
The next morning, you awake to the sound of an approaching scream. You sit up, and quickly put on your clothes.
> You take the gun and wear the chest on your head.
You walk out of the door, and find a group of hobos on the street. One stands out.
"Hey! We need to get to Tennessee!
> You say "Well, I'm moving to Murica soon. I can take you there for the price of one hundred thousand coins."
"We can pay!"
The hobo throws a bag of coins at you. You catch it, and nod.
"Alright then, Murica it is."
> You go visit Frank at the market.
You walk up to the counter of Frank's Diner. You place a hand on the counter.
"I'm here to see Frank."
The cashier nods, and walks off behind the counter.
> You say "Frank, what the hell? You're supposed to sell the chest hats."
"I know. I've been trying to get my cousin to make more. He's really busy at the moment. So, you want one of these?"
> You examine what Frank is offering you.
You look at the hat Frank is offering you. It's a basic beanie with an embroidered peace sign on the front. You toss it aside.
"No. I want something better than this.
THAT'S GOD DAMN RIGHT I DO 
> You say "The chests that are used as hats. Get a grip on things Frank. I'm moving to Murica. I need you to take care of the Red mansion. There's a werewolf woman in the prison there."
"Wait, there's a werewolf in the prison? How did that happen?"
"I've asked the guards, but no-one seems to know. I'm getting the impression she escaped, though.
> You load the ship with chest hats, food and gems.
You load the ship with chest after chest of treasure, and get in the air. You fly to the mansion, quickly landing.
"Megan! You're alive! I'm so glad you're alive!
> You find the hobos and let them board the ship.
You run outside to find the hobos.
"Hurry up! We gotta go!"
The hobos begin running towards the ship. You quickly go inside, and slam the door shut.
> You go to Murica.
You enter the airship, and find Megan there, waiting for you.
"Wow. That took a long time.
> You say "I had things to settle with Frank. I swear people are losing their minds here."
"What happened? Did you find Frank?"
"Yeah. Well, his mom. It turns out she was his main factory."
"So the hats are done?
> You say "We have plenty of chest hats here. Let's find or build a good home for us in Murica."
"That's the plan."
Megan takes your hand, and the two of you kiss. The world is yours.
> You look at Megan's chest.
You look at Megan's chest, and find yourself staring at a bare chest. This causes you to panic a little.
Happy accident :) 
"Megan!"
Megan bursts out laughing, and then kisses you.
> You look at Megan's chest hat.
You go over to the chest hat, and put it on. It fits perfectly, and looks awesome.
"I can't thank you enough for this."
"Thanks for what?
You say "Promise me to never take the chest off your head".
"I promise"
You and Megan kiss once more, and build a new life in Murica.
submitted by puzzledpropellerhat to AIDungeon [link] [comments]