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2016.11.01 21:46 Free live sex vid

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2020.09.26 23:47 miffedaboutlife I'm at my breaking point (looooong)

So to preface this post.. My apartment burned down in January. My ex bestie hooked me up w a place to stay, basically a stranger, 27m. There has been a lot of other stuff I even talk about on my YouTube, with my ex friends, harassment, drama, bullying, lies of all sorts, and a man who literally wanked it at work on the public warehouse floor, open floor plan, he still works there after I reported him bc the cameras only hold footage 30 days, and it's because he's an exhibitionist and he wanted to see if he could get away with it, regardless of him working with photo gifts and pictures of children. So this in mind with my stress levels with the bullying that went on until like the last few months when it stopped since probably.. last Nov. I have also been dealing with the main problem of my post this was a preface for. So my stranger of a housemate fell inlove w me about a week after I moved in. I was emotionally compromised and scared to reject him because I was going through the above (actively) and still kinda in shock. We cuddled a little, but it wasn't sexual, I just needed to be held and he wanted to be close to me and I told him I didn't know how I felt about anything and he didn't care, and because I didn't know what to do and I didn't have my best friend to hold me and I was so stressed and scared and, reluctant to be homeless, I let him hold me. At the time I was sorting stuff out that was damaged, dealing with torment, and my ESA Pepper (my dog, name short for peppermint) was unable to be with me (oh and stress from the fire plus old age killed my hamster at that time so Pep was and is kinda all I had). I tried talking with "friends" about it and because I had wished and expressed my wish for a partner they criticized me for not "being greatful for what I had been given" and essentially not reciprocating the feelings. Yes that was the dirty wanker who said that, a 28m. I felt like, metaphorically, just because the princess was saved by the knight, did not mean she had to give her kingdom and herself away like in the stories. I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship and he said it was fine he'd wait. He bought me flowers and told me he loved me and was "sweet". However he was creepy too. I am going to voice type the rest because I'm getting to emotional to type but I really need to get it off my chest how my housemate refuses to respect my autonomy, my very body, and my stuff. .. There was one incident where I was wearing a dress, I typically do not wear pants unless I work because I feel most like myself in dresses and skirts I wear them almost exclusively and I consider pants to be work clothes and when I don't feel like a person, that may sound stupid but I like to dress over the top I think, I was wearing a simple red dress and honestly it's hit miss if I wear underwear maybe too much info but it's relevant because I was sitting on the couch on the far side closest to the wall which I didn't really like doing anyway because it makes me feel trapped I have anxiety I have all these other problems and the fire and caused it to be elevated and then I had all the stress going on with my friend group he comes into the room saw me sitting on the couch he sits on the floor in front of me I don't know how to respond because this is his couch. And yes I have my couch but it's away from the TV and I was watching TV. he sits directly in front of me on the floor facing with his back to me I don't know how to respond cuz I don't want him between my legs and I'm scared and don't know how to do anything so what I do is I pull my legs up and Kris Kross and just pull my dress over my knee keeps. he kept reaching back and pulling my legs to pull over his shoulders and to try and pull my feet over his shoulders or onto thsn and I didn't know what was going on and I keep pulling back and pulling away an they didn't stoppeand it keeps doing it and I say stop and then I flip out I'm just like stop it, do not do this, his response says “ hey man be cool” to which I am extremely angry and express how uncomfortable he's making me and he's frustrated as to why I'm frustrated so he finally moved one thing to know about me is I'm asexual I also really don't like people touching me usually if I need someone to touch me then something is very very wrong I'm not just a germaphobe I just physically do not like the feel of touch and I'm touch adverse it is awful, I just only allow generally family that I like to hug me, a partner of my choice , and like a best friend on a good day, on a bad day maybe nobody -maybe not even my partner -can touch me. I don't like people touching me, the fact that I'm already dealing with this and like I understood when the one time when he was asked if they could but this was different and I said stop and then they didn't want to and then they were mad and it was a whole flustered evening about ordering pizza and I was like I really don't care I'm just annoyed and when I'm annoyed I can't eat and anxiety makes it worse that makes me nauseous so I'm not even hungry. the most uncomfortable incident. another was when I just dyed my hair technically I just bleached it was just before I was going to start a long-term conditioning dye treatment to make my hair purple, well, I wanted to make sure that I bleached all of my hair. So I asked him if he could take a picture of the back of my head because I bleached it at home. I always do my hair myself. I cut it myself. I style it myself. I've bleached and dyed it before but I was trying a new brand of bleach that would be stronger to help with my hair which is dark brown almost black. and he said sure no problem so he took a picture of my hair and help me take the picture from the back moving forward, he's showing me the pictures and he Scrolls too far cuz he goes too fast and it goes forward like four or five pictures in where he has pictures of my hair and you can see pictures of me sitting on the couch next to him a few nights before watching TV in my pajamas and my pajamas may be a bit revealing, I guess, but that be victim-blaming I can wear with the f*** I want in my own house technically I'm a nudist but I wear clothes all the time because people are perverts and I want everyone to leave me alone in regards to this I'm wearing a vintage Peach gown with a V cut that is ankle length the pictures of me sitting on the couch from where he is sitting on the other side of the couch his spot which took a long time to get him to sit on the other side of the couch yes it's his couch and I felt uncomfortable telling him where to sit on his couch but he likes to sit directly beside me his leg touching my leg and scooting as close as he could even when I scooted away so it took a long time to get him to sit three to five feet away on the other side of the couch as I prefer it and I told him multiple times continuing the pictures weren't just of me sitting there they were progressively zooming in on my chest where they like just trying to get a better visual of my boobs and it was like he said oh I'm sorry I didn't realize that happened I didn't mean to take that many (!!!) I'll delete it and then he proceeded to delete thing is how would I know theyre gone because he is an Amazon Prime member what if he has it backed by his Amazon photos that comes free with Prime Membership he has a lot of electronics a lot of computer gadgets and gizmos and all kinds of like technological stuff,hes good with them. like I get some of it but some of it I don't he's far more intelligent in the technology world then I start what happens if you still have them and I realize he had been taking pictures of me a lot and I didn't catch on I didn't realize because like I just assume he's playing on his phone and sitting at an angle cuz he says he has a thing where he really likes to make eye contact when he's talking to you and I'm like okay I get it this is why it was so annoyed when he kept standing on my huge storage chest in my room when he walked in which a couple times he just walked in did not knock or say anything I've actually started locking my door because it was really uncomfortable ,anyway he would stand on the storage chest to talk to me and look at me while I'm in my bed and I'm like could you not one that chest is almost $100 and two it's got lots of sensitive religious material in it I'd rather you not like.. and he got pissed off I literally had to freak out on him and scream at him like Stop Standing on my furniture it's mine respect me and my stuff and he was pissed about it so I started putting stuff on top of it so that if he doesn't just burat in my room which he's done multiple times ,once just after I got done changing and so I've started storing random bulky junk on top so that he couldn't stand on it so when I first moved in he helped me when I started decorating he helped me put these fake flowers on the ceiling and all my co-workers told me to be worried he might have put cameras or some s*** and I don't believe he did but like I had to argue with him about how we were not in a domestic partnership I didn't want him to do my laundry had to argue with him about not taking pictures of me to which his response in the last part of it was that he could take pictures of me but he would take less pictures of me because he knows that I kind of like the attention. he would send me the the really good ones if he thought I might like them. and I'm like no I don't want you to take pictures of me unless you ask like that's different and what it's like and I I get that nervouslaugh and like scared smile like I'm afraid to do anything like I don't know if it's like no obviously doesn't work, every time I've asked him not to do something he says well I'm going to do it anyway like when he lifted me I hate being lifted I've been lifted multiple times cuz I guess although I don't believe I am that I am a tiny person 145 to 150 lb 5 1 I guess I'm considered small but I guess I'm not that heavy and so people pick me up and move me when he Lifted Me multiple times and I told him how I absolutely detest being picked up cuz I've been thrown before by people and thought it was funny because of my size and so it makes me nervous I said not to do it he said he would do it only when he had to that's really annoying thing because obvi reasons I honestly haven't been talking to him I work a 12-hour job on the weekends he works at 8 hour job during the week so we really don't cross paths I've haven't been talking to him because he weirded me out multiple times and I just can't deal with it to make matters worse I did start dating I started dating a guy who I used to hate quite honestly because I thought he was a trash human being i thought he was a track human being because my ex best friends who started like harassing me told me he was atrocious he had sex with a girl who he used to be in a serious relationship as a one-night fling because he missed her and she missed him but he didn't want a serious thing he used to be a trashman being because he had sex with someone (not knowing they have mental illness that causes like instability and poor judgment) but they were not aware and when they did find out felt like a trash peraon theyve since grown a lot, and why we actually connected is because they were the only person out of all friends and people I know besides this guy who was trying to like fuck (creep) that actually cared about what was happening to me and not only that but even though he's a very touchy he respected my space and my boundaries more than most anyone that I've met when I say not to get near me he would sit back and not touch me even when it was obviously painful for him just to sit by and watch me cry as I express all of the trauma that I feel in all of the pain I feel by the betrayal and physical trauma that I've gone through in this year because it was ongoing and had at the time felt unending we fell in love it was three months into the roommate ordeal at least six months since the most tragic event in my life involving polyamory and lies and gossip sabotage and just general like absurdity moving forward I've cut out all of these nasty people they literally told me if I wanted to stop I can move all these people to tell me if I wanted to stop I can remove myself that I should be involved with anyone anyway and they've literally treated me like a trash human saying like why would you date her why would you be interested in her oh brother how ypuve fallen to be with her really you should have standards I've heard them say these things this person ignored all that because they think I'm a good person and I fell in love with that person. theyve been there for me it was a lot. I was afraid to even be with them because everyone hated them and everyone was hating me and I felt like they just went to burn us at the stake or something absurd. he's risen in popularity, they care about his welfare more than me now, so that's a plus i could go into more detail but wanted to keep the relationship a secret for several months because I didn't feel it was their right to know that I was happy i also really didn't want my housemate to know because I was afraid he would try to kick me out I'm learning he was very upset Beyond upset his main argument was that I should cook something or clean something and I need to be home more often and that he thought I didn't want a relationship and that he can't believe that I hid that from him that he felt played that he felt betrayed that he couldn't believe something like that from me and that he had had higher expectations for me I however didn't know what to say he'd invited my current boyfriend over to hang cuz we've been together for like 5 months now and very happy no problems at all before it was rare he had invited him over to hang out as friends and they have hung out as friends since but he's explicitly told me pretty much (before I hadn't invited him over at all) in a text he wasn't going to have him be over very much that I couldn't have him over as much as I thought I might be which I hadn't thought at all he also went as far as to text my boyfriend to tell him he couldn't spend the night when the house mate was out of town he texted my boyfriend repeatedly since I stopped responding to him when he was being possessive and creepy messaging my boyfriend to ask my whereabouts anytime I'm not home or if I'm late for work as absurd as saying before I started dating I was late for getting out of work so I got out at like 4 0 5 which I guess it's only 5 minutes but it makes a big difference when you have to get on the interstate and on extremely busy road put me behind I normally get home between 4:20 and 4:30 almost Clockwork I didn't get home until about 4:45 but I was on the main road almost home at 4:30 he text me( the housemate) to say are you not even coming home today at all and it's like like I'm a grown woman!yoire not my dad you're not my partner and I wouldn't tolerate this for my partner what the f*** I stopped responding to him because he kept asking where I was and we have actually had screaming matches I did most of the screaming because I was tired 12-hour shifts and then come home and I have to stand up because I can't even go upstairs to my room when I hate stairs to argue w someone about how I'm an introvert with antisocial and that's why when I get off work I am tired and not interested in a conversation not interested in hanging out that I don't owe him that hang out time this would end in him being like it's not a good thing you're antisocial you should get over it you should spend time with me and basically he would seem entitled to my time and my affection he even went so far as the one point he has depression just like I do he was crumbling onto the floor and leaving sporadic notes all over the place to tell me " I'll get better faster is if you hug me" and this was after we had issues. this was after the legs incident, this is after I had established I needed space, and I told him I wasn't comfortable with the emotional terrorism of requiring hugs or to be necessary to give him a hug to make him get better and get off the floor that I didn't feel comfortable and that I don't think it was fair of him to ask or require that of me I never required about cuddling when it was an option i was kinda comfortable, tolerant?, doing so I thought it was more like a friends thing cuz we do have friends who do like a cuddle puddle as they call it and HE asked me for that Comfort not me asking him I wasn't comfortable and he said I'd let him down how heartless could I be that I wouldn't give him that hug just to make him feel better I found super depressing notes in his room cuz I had some of my stuff in his room at the time because he had like no furniture at all cuz his last girlfriend surprise surprise was schizophrenic she did have an episode moved out because she thought he had like assaulted her in public and there were witnesses to prove this was false the surprise is that she felt trapped and controlled and she didn't like his attitude or the way that he micromanaged her and with her illness and not being able to get out all the time and being heavily medicated and the way he is cuz he is very OCD and well he'd just move things to where he thinks they should be a lot, even if they're not his ,even if they're in their proper spot, and even if you asked him not to. he will repeatedly move them I've taken to keeping all of my things in my room even the things that I need in specific spots because as many times as you tell him not to do something he won't stop so to move forward I can't imagine how horrible it must have been for someone with schizophrenia space and time displacement that she usually has and all these other little micro problema to have everything moved around you without knowing where it's going where it's been if you moved it it's the one else moved or if you're crazy I feel crazy living with him and all I have is anxiety depression I've dealt with abuse emotional abuse so much bulshit and then I deal with him dealing with me I don't know what I'm supposed to do most recently he keep leaving his bike on my couch like leaning against it with the pedal being pushed against it getting the dirt that's on the pedal and the fact that the pedals very abrasive and kind of sharp leaning it against couch which was a Christmas graduation birthday combined gifts because I really wanted something that was mine and that wasn't complete trash like my old couch which had Springs and wood breaking out of it cuz it was a $40 couch from Goodwill which he knows the importance of my couch this one was an expensive nice quality that had that all of my requirements and even some of my requirements are ridiculous because I was in a bad place and just wanted something that wouldn't stain and that my ex wouldn't hate because I didn't want to listen to him complain about it I love the couch it's so comfortable and it was actually my bed for about a month before I got settled in after the fire is was expensive and I didn't want it to get messed up he disrespected my stuff oh it should be known he also thinks that if he has not witnessed me practice doing something if he is not watching me that I did not do it it did not happen it does not matter what I say I like to walk my dog in the front yard in the early morning because it has a light I go to work at 4 a.m I wack my black dog in the dark in an area that is pretty close to the ghetto literally a guy in the house beside ours the house it's like one of those like a townhouse things but it's listed as an apartment but it's basically that I call it a house sometimes I don't like to walk her in the back there inthe dark morning because it's dark in the afternoon I walk her back there because it has more shade and it's cool so she doesn't hurt her Paws on any of the rocks and the walkways cuz she likes to use the walkway she's a smart dog to walk her in direct sunlight because she's a black dog and she gets overheated really easily and you can tell I told him not to leave in front of the door because it makes it hard to walk her to which he said it wasn't and issue because I don't use that door and that he'd lean against the couch if he forgot and basically oh well I've explained the dog bit before but it does not matter because he doesn't care another instance of having to deal with him as he thinks I never clean even though I'm constantly cleaning after him he doesn't see me when I told him that says I don't need an audience to know I've done something like what why does it matter if I watch you do it and after all this I really don't want him too cuz he creeps me out I know you're wondering why I haven't moved yet don't have the money I can't just move back with family and I don't have the money I'm looking with my friend right now but to be able to afford to live there I can't move somewhere that I'm going to risk losing my home and risk losing a place for me and my ESA to safely reside and I don't want to pick just anywhere not after the fire it was an electrical thing but because of certain circumstances can we blame the apartments i don't know what to do but one last thing I'd like to mention before you go into roasting or me or the guy or the guy that I mentioned above and if you want to know like more about it I can post links to me describing the fire situation to me describing the Pervert at work or me describing some of the issues I've dealt with like the drama I think it's like 15 to 30 minutes long it's just mostly me like complaining but it's my YouTube it's my blog I can do what I want no names are specified I'm tempted you know because it's like we're supposed to expose the pervert's right the ones who jerk off at their workstation while packaging pictures that obviously could go in Sunday schools or classrooms or in nurseries or another family room or the children might touch based off the content that is visible by us, the packaging and creators ,but I can't I can't bring myself to right now my best friend who condoned, it I can't bring myself to my best friend who recommended me to this guy who's a creeper who honestly when he was first taking pictures of me I tried to think of it like a live in Paparazzi instead of a live in stalker that I can't avoid and I'm afraid to tell no because what happens if I'm homeless what happens if his anger issues resurface cuz he told me he used to have them the very last thing I want to say is not only is my boyfriend not allowed and he knows he's not allowed over at the apartment and yes it bugs the s*** out of him but this guy's been in the friend Circle for really long time, like 10 years it wouldn't do any good especially with my reputation to tell them and I have tried and they told me what you should move so my boyfriend's not allowed at my house and he's not allowed to stay over one of the last things that happened when he was over the only time I've invited him over a week before the day in question I had it approved I would spend some time in the living room alone cuz he told me that was an option before and I am not taking him up on the offer for 3 months which I explained it would be with my partner He agreed and then the partner gets there and he doesn't want to leave he says he can just play on the computer that he won't be a problem but it's within sight of us on the couch and I am not interested in a third wheel I just want some alone time with my partner and I'm not big on PDA but I wanted to kiss my partner I wanted to hold their hand I wanted to be able to enjoy my time with them as we watched a movie and enjoy a home-cooked meal because I was showing my Hibachi skills it gets extremely pissed off goes up to his room and tells us to alert him when the movie is over excuse me he didn't say that until after he came back downstairs he said to let him know in about an hour i tell him he can set a timer but that I wasn't sure how long the movie was and he could just come down when it was done he didn't respond to me at all when I said this he didn't eat his food either he let it sit there and get cold and then ended up critiquing it and throwing it away because he said he wanted to eat with us and I was like okay like I gave him food because I was being helpful and I made steak and shrimp which was expensive for me but I did it anyway he didn't want to take his food with him he didn't want to do anything he just went upstairs and was very upset he actually came down to walk around and complain for a few minutes and then went back upstairs and it was really awkward he ended up coming down after the movie can get on a computer and text message how disrespectful it was that I didn't alert him the Moment the movie was over and that he couldn't believe that I would disrespect him so much in our shared apartment which he had regularly gotten upset with me for calling my apartment when I was discussing something he's like it's my apartment too you can't call it your apartment and it's like okay it's understood that it's your apartment I can call it my apartment without it being a hassle but it doesn't even feel like my apartment I store my stuff and feel like a prisoner because he monitors my every movement I digress I got upset and he was like well if you are not going to invite me to sit on the couch next to you guys out loud and seeing this here in the text (it is all in text. it was extremely dramatic cuz he always speaks so ..) then I would not even budge to sit near you( like most of the time he speaks kind of like Shakespearean language but if you don't know what half the words mean like he just uses big words to sound important, as what one of my other friends has quoted) one of my friends wwho was in a house with, them w other high-risk individuals, where the AC was broken and it was 90° refused to come sit in the AC at my house until they realized that my housemate was out of town because they didn't want to deal with him they said they'd rather had experienced heat stroke so I guess this is the answer to describe this person in the stress that I've been under in the stress that I had to endure when I get done with this I actually quit typing and did voice to text and I'm trying my best to make sure it is good I apologize if there are severe typos it gets so stressful to talk about but I really need someone anyone to hear that I'm saying this is happening I don't know where to go from here and what to do and I want to move but I'm scared to make a big deal if I try and I'm going to I'm going to move as soon as I find an apartment my family said they will help me move and if you dare say anything that they will flip out but right now I just want to feel heard since I can't feel comfortable and because I just got off work I have to go home going to argue with me again after the fact that I want him to respect my stuff and that I'm no longer being flowery and sugar coating my words and the fact that I'm being cut and short and demanding respect instead of asking for it because I want to ask for basic decency to me and my stuff but it's still going to have to deal with it when I get home If I'm nice I'm probably going to go to my room and lock the door and ignore him because I'm tired and I don't have the social spoons to deal with him when it's literally going nowhere because he thinks he's right and I have nothing else to say or think and I hope this is received well nothing else honestly it's got me so anxious and upset that I'm tearing up I can clear up typos and parts that won't be understood and I'd love to answer questions if you really have them but I just want to be heard I just want to be validated I just want to be comfortable I want to ease my anxiety because I work so hard I'm the typical, comically so, Capricorn. I'm hard-working and I only find Escape in work I would like to see some fruits of my labor and relax in my bed which is a gift by the way, because my last bed was destroyed with the water damage from them putting out the fire because the fun part is my apartment that burned down with on the bottom floor which means it got the fire he got the rubble and it got the water which the joke is because I am a witchcraft practitioner that it was the magic that kept most of it from getting completely damaged by fire it was mostly smoke and so so so much water so many things got ruined even when putting up the flowers to decorate my room I was tempted not to finish because I was afraid once it felt like home they would burn again it would all be gone I made it feel like home and then all this super extra weirdness started as we were working on stuff to the point where there was a moment where he'd ask for a kiss and I'm like do you have to and he's like please like I really want one and I'm like I guess a small one on the cheek if at all the other time when he refused to leave my room and let me go to sleep when I work at 4am because I wouldn't let him give me a kiss and I said no I don't want you to kiss me I don't want you to touch me and he kissed me on the forehead and ran away because he can reach cuz he's f****** gigantic he's so tall My bf is too but like damn you want to see more deets I have made vids talking but it because it's soooooo stressful. I want to scream. I want to know how to feel comfortable or valid I am constantly asking for being valid constantly ask to be Justified and I'm so sure that I am but I'm also so scared
submitted by miffedaboutlife to survivorsofabuse [link] [comments]


2020.09.21 00:25 Latter-Heart-4027 Free live sex vid

Hi,
I know the title sounds funny, I guess it kind of is.
I am really desperate for any kind of advice, I really don't know what to do. I'm sorry for this being long winded but if you could read it, It'd make me happy.
For a visual context, I'm a 20 yo guy, with black hair, big black eyes, barely tanned skin and you're stereotypical college guy body type.
I'd never admit this with my face connected to this, but I really haven't had an amazing life so far. In highschool, I got bullied and shunned for the entirety of it, so I kind of always have a bad image of myself and because I'm a devout extrovert, it left me with a constant feeling of loneliness.
At one point in highschool, two of the jocks pinned me into the corner and grabbed onto my fat and squeezed to hear me scream. Needless to say, their laughter haunts me to this day, and I gained an eating disorder, which is why I have the slim body I do.
My experience with girls had not been too much better. The looks I used to get from the girls from my school were just cruel, I had talked to a few of them after the fact and they told me they didn't want to take a step down hierarchically and potentially get a share of the abuse I got on a daily basis.
The way I copped with my pain was by writing love songs. I did this everytime I felt sad I'd write one, and needless to say I have alot 😂 I had been having a reoccurring dream of this brown haired shy girl with freckles my whole life, so id often take my life experiences, think of her and boom I have a song.
All that said, when I was 17 I had my first girlfriend and I cannot describe how happy I was. But that's when I realized that the group of "friends" I had at the time didn't want to be happy for me. At that point, they started to drink more, and with it came their true character. To put it short, they were incels, to the point where one broke his hand punching a wall in a blind rage because the girl he liked was with someone.
It's worthwhile to say that they pressured me to drink too, and eventually drugs got involved. I only smoked weed once with them, and I am sure it was laced with something because I cannot describe the agony that ensued. My vision was rotating, going in and out and I felt like I was going to die if I closed my eyes. I immediately got up and started walking out, they didn't care (as a matter of fact they blamed me the next day for this). So all of a sudden there is a drugged up scared teen walking through the city in horrible agony trying to make it home. Luckily I did, and to this day I can't even have a sip of alcohol without having a panic attack, a trait that was not popular among this group nor the people I met in college afterwards. What kind of guy can't even drink alcohol? 😅
They went on to poke holes in my relationship with her, constantly insinuating she was cheating on me with someone in the group. I became so miserable, I cut ties from all of them, I met up with my gf to tell her the story but... And I know it was stupid... I didn't want to make her sad knowing that I was severely depressed... so I decided to break it off with her.
The last I heard from those guys was them saying "someone would have to be dumb, ugly and stupid to even look at you" and "you deserve everything you got".
The last I heard from her... She ended up dating the exact guy they said she was cheating on me with.
You'd probably expect me to hate her, but I hated them. Love for me means that I want to see that person happy, even if that means I get the short end of the stick or even have to leave their life.
Flash forward 3 whole years, I had dated a few girls, but I never felt love again and honestly thought I was broken, that I would never feel that way again.
At this point, feeling free from people bullying me nonstop about making YouTube videos, I had made alot. Of course thematically relevant, I still never got anything from that but I still love it nontheless.
As I was going through and opening all the available accounts for my channel, I happen upon Reddit. I decided to browse a little bit, when suddenly I saw needafriend on the front page. I clicked the subreddit and happened upon a post that essentially went "I really want friends, I lost mine recently"... And I actually dmed, who ended up being a, her.
We became good friends very quickly and I was really honestly surprised. I immediately found out she wasnt single, I didn't have a problem with it at all, it just meant we could be friends.
Getting to know this girl, I found out she had one boyfriend before the current one, a guy she had "went on a break with", to which he had sex with another girl very soon after... You see when she said a break, she meant she wanted like a week to herself. He didn't understand that. She also had really low self-esteem and was kind of submissive, which was a polar opposite to my confident and extroverted personality (noone knows my life story except for my best friend).
Its at this point that I realized my fatal flaw, I like to helping people with their confidence issues, it is my favorite thing in the world, and tbh I just wanted her to see herself as I was starting to see her.
Then I popped the question, do you wanna do a Minecraft Let's Play together? I know I'm too slick 😎 This was notable because I have always been extremely protective of my YouTube channel, I didn't want a good relationship turned sour to destroy one of the last things I had left... But I thought she was such amazing comedic foil for me, I couldn't resist. She agreed extremely enthusiastically.
I was so proud of the finished product, I bought a Minecraft realms for us, had my sister make us an amazing thumbnail as us as cartoon characters, it was so great :))
As one of the jokes from the video, I joked that I'd need a vid of her dabbing on cam to be sure I wasn't being playing with an old man. She immediately did it, and it this sounds crazy... But she was the girl from my dream. My heart skipped a beat. I know it sounds so cringy, but her dabbing while we messed around on Mc was the moment I kinda fell in love with her...
I was so excited for summer to start, we said we'd be making so much fun content, I was really starting to get happy. Then summer came... And silence. Its not that I didn't try, I really was so worried, I knew she was going through something, I just so desperately wanted her to let me help her. Then summer went...
I didn't waste this time, I wanted to be perfect for her, I wanted to be the guy that every girl dreams about. I got a job at a grocery store, hard labor, like that I could get abs for her while also getting paid 😋 I used the money I earned to invest in medical companies, to which it paid off pretty handsomely (I wanted to be rich enough to make music videos of the love songs I wrote for her as well as be well-off cuz that's always cool). I took a nice course load in my uni (I'm in medical sciences) because I was fueled by my passion for the success of the future. I even learned to play guitar because my sister said girls like it.
... Then right before school starts she comes back, like she hadn't ghosted me for 4 months. She tells me that she has a new boyfriend (meaning she had been single) that was long distance (meaning that I maybe had a chance since we're in different countries). I was supportive, of course, and just was happy to have her message me again.
I then thought to myself "well if she can do it, maybe I can too" and instantly proceeded to get catfished... badly...
At this point I was really starting to spiral and everything I had lived started coming back... and then I asked her why she ghosted me (because tbh that was the real thing that hurt the most out of all of this).
She said she had been depressed and that she pushed away everyone as a result. I told her that Id be happy to have things go back the way they were and that I forgive her... She didn't answer...
The next day, I send her this message:
"I understand.
I know I'm an idiot for even thinking this, but I keep running the question in my mind that if you would have let me confess my feelings for you when you were single, if you would have let me love you. Or maybe you knew that I did, and that's why you never even told me.
But since now you know that I was just a stupid idiot who wanted to love you. Love for me means that I am willing to put my own feelings aside to make sure you're happy. Even if that includes never hearing from you again.
You are happy with him, you happily came back to tell me that, so I refuse to get in the way.
There will always be that part of me that hopes you will someday answer me and at least let me continue being friends with you... So if for any reason you feel like messaging me, it would make me the happiest idiot in the world.
I love you [her name], Your friend forever, [My name]."
... It's been three weeks of silence and I still can't get over it. A reoccurring theme in my life is I get knocked down harder and harder again and again but I always get up and smile at the pain. But not now...
I know she doesn't owe me a response, I know I was never guaranteed her love but I can't help but hate how cruel my life keeps going, it's like this was a tortuous representation of the love I don't receive. I love her, so I'm okay with her choice to never answer me.
I just want to love someone, I want to make someone smile and laugh and feel amazing. I'd give anything and everything for that.
I stand here tortured, I can't sleep because my dreams show me her. I don't want to die, so please give me some advice, anything, even a simple recognition that its okay cry about this is enough.
I'm sorry if this upset you, It's not as memeworthy as the title foretells... ... But thanks for reading it 😅
submitted by Latter-Heart-4027 to Advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.13 19:11 Topainga Live vid free sex

Hello all, relatively new to OF. I've had it since June and I'm still stuck at around 19 to 23 fans. I dont really have a niche or anything. I'm not skinny or super thick not many tattoos or piercings, racially ambiguous. I do have naturally curly hair and glasses but that doesnt seem like much of a stand out any longer these days. I post daily, I have a Samsung Galaxy A10 or something like that so it's not super great iphone quality but they're clear and I have great natural lighting that comes into my film room from my huge whole wall windows and I also have a ring light. Live in a huge city so not really many outdoor places that are safe to make content if I dont want to end up on a list lol any suggestions on how to get out of this rut? I have tons of different types of lingerie and outfits but I cant dance or anything and speaking isnt really something I'm good at, I shuddered when I was a kid and I still get nervous speaking to people even though I haven't actually studdered in over 10 years so phone sex and dirty talk wouldnt help and I cant squirt so my solo vids arent that exciting and not sure how to make them more so without the gift of a squirt lol also men suck and cant seem to understand this is a business for me and not just for fun so b/g content is extremely hard to get and keep consistent. I have an instagram I started just for promoting my onlyfans in july which now has about 430 followers but only gained three fans from it, majority just want free shit or previews even though my page is literally a preview and I have no time. Any suggestions are greatly appreciated
submitted by Topainga to onlyfansadvice [link] [comments]


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NOTE: i'm typing this out after finishing the initial post. when i first decided to type this out i didn't think it would be this long, i'm terribly sorry for that. i guess i just needed to vent everything out so i can receive the best possible advice on how to move forward.

i guess i'll start from the beginning, we met through tinder back in May. I added a card to my apple account to sub to a friend on twitch since he had just gotten affiliated during that stream, but it wouldn't pop up on desktop. doing this made my tinder subscription from march reactivate, so i was stuck with it for another month. i decided to use up the month to get the most out of losing $30 for no reason. she was one of the first girls i saw after redownloading it, i was instantly attracted to her, but i felt like i would've been coming on too strong if i super liked her, so i just decided to swipe right on her and go about my day. about 10-15 minutes later i received a notif that we matched and we exchanged our snapchat names and went on from there. it was mostly general talk for a while, she would be dry from time to time, but i kept messaging her (while messaging other girls, but i'd lose interest in all of them pretty quickly). after a while i find out i'm really the only guy she still talks to on tinder since most of them get boring within a few days (this is around mid-june probably). i stopped really checking tinder at this point, so i checked her profile and she's updated it to have her sc (felt a bit weird about this, but we weren't together at this point so whatever). we start talking about meeting up since we've been getting along pretty well up until this point. this was some what of a struggle to set up, but eventually agreed on July 2nd. she visits her family for about 2 weeks at the end of june and becomes pretty dry, which is understandable since she doesn't get to see them in person too often. just before she comes back she starts messaging me quite a bit more and things get a bit more serious. during this time we kept using the word "meet up" instead of date since we weren't official together yet. on the 1st of july she started referring to it as a date, so we decided to just become official already since we liked each other a lot at this point. i was honestly insanely nervous about this date, but it ended up going really well. initially we set a "time limit" of 2 hours, but we talked for nearly 4 hours. so it was pretty exciting to think about afterwards that it actually ended up going really well. she kept inching closer and closer to me during it and eventually it was just her thigh separating us. i debated putting my hand on her thigh, but i was scared about getting metooed, so i pussied out of it. i found out a few days later that she actually did want me to put my hand on her thigh, but she had a feeling it wouldn't happen since it was my first true date with a girl. this is when things start getting kind of rocky. after this it's extremely difficult to schedule a second date. she's always busy with school or work, but there were a lot of days i knew she was free so it was pretty :/. i didn't want to push into it so i just waited it out. about this time i decided to get a grip on my life using her as motivation. i started google's it support online program as a way to start moving towards career in IT since i dropped out this semester after doing an assignment for my intro to computer science class where i found out i'd still have to go for another 7 years to graduate with a BA in computer technology which ended up killing my motivation for school pretty quickly. I was able to also find a job during this time and started practicing to drive again. i was supposed to test around march or april, but unfortunately the quarantine forced it to be pushed back. i felt like my life finally had direction. towards the end of july is when things start getting a bit bad. so i suppose at this point i should tell you about her last relationship. she met this guy off of tinder at the start of her freshman year of college, august 2019. they started dating in september of 2019, but their relationship was mostly just "make out" dates since they never had anything to talk about and quite a lot of bjs and hand jobs. he eventually pressured her to some degree into having sex a bit before christmas. he picked her up from work one night and they did it in his car. this is more so just me disliking him, but i'm going to put it out there that this guy claimed he was 8 inches and that he would give the best sex she'd ever have in her life. he ended up being only 4 inches and giving up within only 2 minutes, despite having a lot of experience before. after this he bought her a sprite from mcdonalds and that was apparently the closest thing they had to a date while they were together. after taking her virginity, he ghosted her for a month before she confronted him at his place and broke it off, but still kept in contact. so again, this is approaching the end of july. i asked her if she was still in contact with her ex and she said she still talked to him from time to time, but she mostly "k's" him or leaves him on read. a few days later we're talking about whatever and she randomly brings up that the week before they were messaging each other about school and he randomly sent a dick pic in the middle of their conversation saying that he missed her. she tells him that she's in a relationship and that she's not interested anymore. this would've been kind of whatever before, but the thing that annoyed me is that she didn't bring this up when i first asked a few days before. after this i asked if she can block him because i'm uncomfortable with her continuing to talk to him despite the shitty relationship they had and that he still wants to be with her. she refuses, but says she'll unadd him on everything else except block him on imessage. i was upset, but i guess this is a good enough compromise. it was getting late at this point and i was pretty tired, so i message her good night and i love you (we started saying this after a few weeks. she started it first) and she only replies with "yeah" and leaves it at that. she tells me the next day that she was really annoyed that i kept pressing her about it and that's why she left me with the yeah. from this point forward i just started thinking with the mindset "if she's thinking about cheating, she'll probably do it and there's nothing i can change about it. so it's better to just keep moving forward and not stress about it". things started looking better after this and we were eventually able to have our second date on August 6th. it was at the beach right by her place. we were together for about 5 hours and mostly just talked the entire time. about 2 and a half hours or 3 hours in we both took an edible while sitting under a tree pretty close to the shore of the beach. during the last hour and a half we started talking about our last date. she admitted that she actually got a bit wet during the last date and that she's a bit turned on atm. this felt incredibly unreal. before this summer i honestly didn't expect for this sort of thing to happen for at least another year or two. it felt like i was moving on instinct. my arm moved on its own and i placed my hand on her thigh and lightly gripped it. i saw her nibble her lip for about half a second before looking back at me with the cutest smile. for a while i just kept gripping her thigh and after a while she started gripping my hand tightly with both of her hands place on her thigh. it was honestly amazing. after a bit she said fuck it, i'm getting really turned on. she grabbed my forearm and pushed my hand up underneath her hoodie and shirt and had me grope her tits. it was from a pretty awkward angle, so it was hard to get a good grip. i'm not attracted to tits at all, but i guess i like hers to some degree, but the thing i loved the most about this was seeing her head tilt back for about 5 seconds with her eyes closed trying to suppress really low moans. it's honestly one of the best things i've experienced in my life. after this i had my first kiss, but pretty much starting from when i touched her thigh i started having the biggest grin on my face and shaking a bit. it just felt so unreal to feel like this about a girl. i told her this and she laughed a bit and said "how about this then?". she grabbed my wrist and placed my hand on her thigh again and sent a pic to me on snapchat to prove it really happened. we kept talking for a while, but she eventually had to go home so her mom didn't worry about her. we said good bye at this lookout area by the beach that was over looking the sunset. i hugged her and kissed her good bye and that was it. during this i also bought her airpods off of her for $90 when she offered me $60 for them, but i wanted to reimburse her after she bought airpod pros for $90 with her new macbook. i did slip up once during this date though and the consequences of it are still hanging over me. there's something about myself that i don't really feel is right to get into it during this type of post, but regardless of that i still did something a guy should never do on a date. so about an hour into the date we were sitting about 20ish feet from the shoreline when a couple walks up to the water. the guy started smoking weed and the wind coming in from sea pushed the smell towards us. i was debating getting up when the guys girlfriend turned to her side to face him. i stared at her for maybe 2-3 seconds since she was right in front of me and i instantly felt guilty. i got up and told my gf that we should continue walking. as we started making our way back to the path i told her that i was starting to get tired of the weed smell blowing back at us and that i felt really guilty about looking at the girl for a second. immediately after i said "that's probably something i shouldn't say while i'm on a date with my gf, i'm sorry." it didn't seem like it bothered her at the time and the date carried on like i mentioned earlier. the next day she started feeling sick after feeling dehydrated at work and felt sick over the weekend. during this time she became a bit dry and kept leaving me on read and i started to feel like i did something wrong and thought back to what happened by the shoreline. it stressed me for a good chunk of the weekend and into monday. i started feeling a bit sick from it at work on monday and got off for the day during my lunch break. later that night i found out that in the end she actually wasn't upset about anything and just slept the days away mostly. things went back to normal for a bit that night before she went back to being dry and leaving me on read. that's when i asked if she was upset about something again and that time she said "yep" and cut the conversation off for the night. the next morning my boss texted me asking if i was okay to work that day and said i was free to take another day off since i've been doing pretty good work for them since i've started and had like 85% of the work done that needed to be done for that day done already. starting monday night i started struggling to eat or sleep from this. i decided to take the day off so i would be free for whenever she messages me again. she spent most of the day being dry again and it was hard to get through to her. i decided to just give her space for now. on wednesdays my work is closed to do extra filing and to catch up on billing people so i was free to message her whenever really if she did message me. during this shift my boss set up interviews so he can have someone else cover for me just in case. he always has 2 people filling the position i'm currently in, but lost both of them at about the same time and kept me on board alone for a while. one of them being let go and the other being pregnant and taking time off until the baby is born next year. this new girl will be splitting the hours with me, but i'll still get the leading shift and all day saturdays, so it won't be too big of a hit on my checks. in the latter half of my wednesday shift we started talking again. she sent a video snap of her bathroom starting to flood. i asked if her apartment manager was able to do anything about it and she said yeah. i think we talked about the situation a bit more, but i didn't say anything to make it worse. during the last 20 minutes of my shift i noticed she sent a message and took a screenshot. i was busy with something that would last until the end of my shift. once i got off i checked what she sent and it ended up being her acting really cute while babbling on about these silly bandz she bought off of amazon for her and her friends. i think it was like 10-12 video snaps. after they all cleared out i open our chat to see one last dry message and her taking "multiple" screenshots a bit after. i felt absolutely crushed. i knew this wasn't a good sign at all and decided to go on a walk for a few hours to clear my head. the next day went on and she was pretty dry. at around 3:30 she messsages me saying "can we talk". my chest started feeling really tight from this particular message and i knew what she was about to say. it still stung terribly to actually read the words. she wanted to break up and everything i felt that week just poured out of me. i went along with it. then it seemed like she was upset when she asked "aren't you going to fight for me?" after we stopped talking for a few mintues. i told her that i didn't feel like i was worthy of her anymore after hurting her so badly, which was the truth. i truly felt awful about what i did and felt like i didn't deserve her anymore. after that she screenshotted it which ended the conversation. after this i took 3 edibles (gf gave me some during our date. i'm still a beginner with this sort of thing and took 3 times the recommended dosage after the last time i took twice the recommended dosage and it didn't really do anything to me) and went out for another walk for a few hours. they didn't really start hitting until 5-6 hours later when i was back home. i think it was about an hour into my walk when she messaged me asking if we can talk later that night. about 2 hours later she hit me up again and we talked for a while and she said that her friends and sister urged her to break up with me, but her mom said she should stay with me since it wouldn't be a good idea to throw what we have away over this. it felt kind of weird that she was got back with me mainly based on her mom's advice. she said that initially it didn't bother her too much, but after telling her friends and sister, they all told her to break up with me. going against her friends' wishes, she even talked to her ex about the situation and he actually sided with me. initially after getting back together i didn't feel entirely comfortable since i still felt guilty, but i know that these feelings will go away pretty soon if things can go back to normal. i spent most of this past weekend stressing about what her friends and sister think of me currently and how they actually urged her to break up with me. last night we had a heart to heart conversation. i told her that i was almost always stressed from something relating to our relationship and listed out what had stressed me out the past month and what was currently stressing me out: what her friends and sister could be telling her. since just before this heart to heart conversation, she sent a screenshot of her friends group dm. they were each sending paragraphs trying to reason with her to break up with me. my chest felt so incredibly tight reading it, i honestly didn't even know what emotion or emotions i was feeling at the time. they agreed to drop it until later tonight or tomorrow once she finishes her finals for her summer classes tonight. she was incredibly stressed about keeping up with work, studying and finishing her final assignments over the weekend, so i decided to help write a few of her assignments. this brings us to today. i was debating writing on this subreddit for a while, especially after reading a similar story about a guy who's gf was still messaging her ex a while back if any of you remember that post. we've been able to almost go back to the normality we had before our second date. i was walking home, asking about her progress on studying and her last assignments. she replied pretty quickly saying that she wasn't working on anything atm, but she was doing something productive. i ask her what she meant by "productive" thinking it'd be something cute or funny, but it honestly made me super uncomfortable. she was trying to prank her friends into believing she was pregnant with a "positive" pregnancy test. she told me that her and her ex met up in april to talk about school stuff and that her friends believe that they hooked up, so she decided to mess with them. according to her 2 of her friends already believed her, but more than likely i believe they were just playing along with the "joke". one of these two being one of the two friends from the group dm that was trying to convince her to break up with me after we got back together. i asked if he mentioned me at all after hearing this out and she replied with a dry "no". i then joked "if he really believes you than he probably believes you broke up with me lol" and she left it on read. about 30 minutes later i messaged her again to tell her that i was finally able to schedule a new appointment with the dmv for my test on october 8th. we're both pretty excited for this because it'll be easier for us to see each other since she lives about 25 minutes from me and we both have somewhat of a tight schedule, but once i start driving i can pretty much see her any night. just a bit ago as i was typing this she sent some vid snaps of herself explaining some random thing that happened to her. and with that it pretty much brings it up to where we stand now. my current plan is to ask if she can hang out tomorrow or thursday since we'll both be free from work and school work, but she seemed a bit eh on hanging out this week over the weekend explaining that "she has to get ready for the semester next week" which idk how that can eat up 2 free days. that could've been from just us still adjusting from the break up, but idk. i'll try asking her in the morning since i'm sure she'll be wiped from all the work she still has to finish later tonight, though what her friends might still try to tell her still looms in the back of my mind. i've talked to my friends about this and they keep urging me to break up with her because of how toxic she is. i honestly really do feel like this can work if we can just get past this, but it's just really difficult if i never get to see her and she's always creating excuses for why she can't go for whatever and then on that day she'll just record snap vids of her at home at some point during the day obviously revealing she was free that day. I still love her, but it's just difficult when she can't communicate whenever she's upset and it feels like she's playing me at times. (with the exception of her "prank" earlier today).
submitted by ThrowRATC to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.08.13 07:46 fvcknoir Free live sex vid

Well, well, well. This just happened this past weekend
I hate the word horny but I am that x 1000000 right now and was sexting with a friend and it was getting pretty graphic. I sent her a bunch of vids and she was so impressed by my seductive stripper skills that she asked if I could surprise her friends by posing as the Uber Eats guy and stripping for them. Fuck yeah! I’ve always fantasized about this, i’m an exhibitionist, what a dream. We decide I’ll deliver the food, and she’ll make a joke like how much to take it all off...
We set up the plan, the time, etc and I go and pick up the food and come to deliver it. I’m wearing a man thong under my jeans, i’m freshly groomed, I’m rock fucking hard and I’m nervous but excited. I give myself a little fluff in the hallway and knock on the door.... which is answered by MY EX. Like, not a kind of dated ex, but like lived with. She is apparently friends of my friends friend (that makes sense, I read it back). I’ve always held a good job, and she looks at me with so much sympathy. Like shocked my life has come to this. She asks why I’m doing Uber Eats and I just say l need the extra money and she is like “that’s so sad do you want to come in”
I hesitate, but come in and see my sexting friend. She’s drunk and says “heyyyyy uber eats, how much to show me that cock!” Her friends laugh, but my ex is like, “chill, this is my ex. i feel so bad he’s delivering food!” or something along those lines. Me and sexting girl share a weird look, she is confused as fuck. I say I have to go, and race out of there. Holy fuck.
tl:dr went to strip for my friend, didn’t realize my ex would be there, and she thought i was at a very low point
edit: wow didn’t expect this to blow up! - no the photos in my post history are not what i sent to sexting girl. what i sent to her was much more..... graphic? lol - yes i have had sex with sexting girl. we met on tinder and our relationship has been 10000% sexual - no i have never stripped before - no sexting girl didn’t say anything to my ex. we talked after and she’s just bummed that i didn’t whip my cock out in front of them all. she said she would have made my ex realize what she lost lol.
edit 2: more answers to more questions! - as i said the photos/videos i sent to texting girl were more graphic. i’ll just say that she’s really into butt stuff. and she really likes it when I wear her panties. I’ll leave it at that

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2020.08.10 23:29 Percybhowal Think twice before replying to your exes' messages.

Elsa: “Do you love me?”
I cursed. As harmlessly playful as that four-worded Whatsapp message looked, I wanted nothing to do with it. Or its sender.
“You not blocked her, man?”, my roommate Sammy asked over our bachelor-breakfast of thawed Pop-Tarts.
Honestly, I should have, after the train-wreck Elsa had turned my life into. But blocking her would clear all those cheesy, romantic conversations we had once shared. I needed them, to remind me exactly how pathetic I was for swooning over that bitch.
So no, I didn’t block her. Yet.
Sammy didn’t have to know that though- as a fellow-roomie with an obligation, an annoyed, “Will do now”, was all he needed to hear. “Hmm,” he said. I left for work.
Work that had sucked just about every bit of free time from my schedule. Soon as I grabbed a seat on the already, quarter-hour late train, I booted up my laptop to get a headstart on my job. A not-too-decent-paying job; editing game-highlights on some upcoming, sports, micro-blogging site. Decent enough to support my rent and cravings for Chinese take-out on every third weekend, though. I couldn’t complain.
As I prepared to disembark and shut my laptop-screen, a news snippet caught my eye. Well, the photograph on the snippet- to be exact.
“Local resident found mutilated in apartment…”
Not a full-photo, only showed the posterior. But from what it did manage to capture- brown, mullet hair, denim-clothes, slimmish body-fit- seemed familiar.
Ah, looks like Pedro. I realized. Elsa’s boyfriend.
Well, how about that? The day had barely started, and the woman I didn’t want to remember no-more had already popped into my head twice. Screw that bitch, and her good-for-nothing novio, I chided myself.
Even if it really was Pedro who died, I couldn’t care to shed a tear. Not because he had been sleeping with the woman I had almost ended up proposing. But because my asshole boss Derek had a super jam-packed schedule lined for me.
“Late again, Bruce. Now quit stalling anymore, and start with the England-Pakistan highlights- and I want every nick-sound audible on the slow-mo feed. Do CPL after that, both matches, then IPL- oh, and don’t forget to highlight all the incredible English-mistakes in that Pakistani-cricketer’s post-match interview, gets us more views. And then…”
Normally I would snicker whenever a player said something hilarious, like, “Lots of moisturizer on the pitch”, or “My large-brother played well”, yada, yada, yada. But with the Elsa themed day it had been so far, I couldn’t help but repent on the poor life-choices I had made. A lot of ‘em, just for her sake. Flunked through my last college sem subjects, just to spend more time with her. Nearly contracted HIV in one of our sexual, ‘Satanic’ endeavors. Distanced from my family- they never liked Elsa and her ‘psycho, goth ways’.
“She happens to have a personality, mom”, I told my folks, but they didn’t budge.
Which she did, really- a strong, borderline-eccentric, personality. She didn’t have it easy, growing up without parents, shafted through foster homes. Made her reserved, and somewhat unsocial. Still managed to get into Harvard law-school, props for that. I liked that about her- beauty, with a heck of a brain. Problem was, she knew about her big-brain, which made her all the more condescending.
“Sit straight, Bruce, what’s with that slack, hillbillly style? And Pop-Tarts? Really?”
“You never tried that Lana del Rey playlist I told, did you? Good, far be it for me to shove some intellect in your Redneck ears.”
“It’s bad enough you took me for this Marvel action-crap over that Fincher movie. But did you really have to wear that stupid, clip-on tie to the restaurant? God, you have no fashion sense, do you?”
Thing is, I was never mad at her sharp-toned jibes about how raw I was. Truthfully, it was kinda adorable- trying to be Elsa’s perfect, uptight ‘man-friend’. Live up to her lavish expectations and tastes. We all know those kinds of couples, right? One lousy, somewhat unrefined spouse; the other one’s uptight and picky as hell. Those work, right?
I certainly thought they did. Three years of dating later, I proudly picked out a nice, diamond ring to make it official. But even before I could, she sent me a screen-shot of this Pedro fellow. Suave, classy looking, in a maroon, double-breasted suit and a bow-tie, specs of a professor on his face. Maybe he was a professor- had to be at least half a decade elder than me.
Elsa never told that much, though- all she said over on Whatsapp, was- “You had your shot. Pedro is more perfect than you can ever be. Hope that changes you.”
That was the last message she sent me, until today. Didn’t pick my calls, plain abandoned her apartment- heck, I didn’t even know her friends, if she had any. She was, in pretty much Amy Elliott Dunne style- gone.
The abrupt breakup made me turn to the bottle. Lost my job at Unity’s animation department, made two unsuccessful suicide attempts- all that life down the drain stuff, you know? God bless my sister, Maureen, who pulled me out of my shithole, landed a video-editing job at SportsVille365, paid the first three months of rent at my new apartment, arranged Samuel Pattrick Jones- a devout, Rhode Island, Mormon as my roomie. And that’s my life now, as it is.
I was smoking a Camel in my five-minute break, wondering exactly how much bossy this community-college-grad Derek was being towards me. That’s when my phone pinged.
Elsa: “Look, I know this is abrupt, but you need to tell me for your own sake. Forget love- do I still matter to you?”
I couldn’t believe her audacity. Not once, in these five-years, had she once attempted to reach-out, much less apologize. And now she wanted to know if she mattered? And I had to answer- for my own sake?
But before I could unleash my obscenity-onslaught, Derek’s droning voice found me. “I see your cigarette in the trash, Bruce. When exactly did you upgrade your smoke-break to Whatsapp break? And how’re those vids on the CPL coming along? Get back to work, mate- don’t wanna lose your rent in COVID, do ya?”
I didn’t. So I put down my phone and got back to readjusting Chris Gayle’s frame to the best angle, making his six off Liam Plunkett’s full-toss look heck-more impressive than it was.
A ten-hour day of video-editing, commentary-filtering, and obscenity-filtering later, I was back on the train that’d take me home. Luke Combs’ When it Rains it Pours was blaring on my ear-speakers, when, fittingly enough, my phone pinged. Elsa of course, my She- but she wasn’t exactly upping and apologizing.
Elsa: “Last chance, Bruce. Otherwise, you’ll leave me no choice but to act on assumptions. Do I- or do I not- matter to you?”
The more I stared at the text, the more uncomfortable I felt. First, Do you love me? And then, Do I matter? Was that Pedro fellow really dead? Was Elsa looking for rebound? Was she expecting me to give her rebound? I knew the girl had some complicated social issues- but really?
Surely, she couldn’t be that desperate for intimacy. I remember, back when we were something, I literally had to beg her for action. Good action, mind you- that Satanic thing I said earlier? Were it not for the infection risks, it would- hands down, have been my favorite, sexperience. Heck, that anal-retentive Elsa wasn’t even much keen on helping me clean the blood- she was more disappointed at my weakness.
Jesus. I dated a psychopath, didn’t I?
I wished I hadn’t thought that. All of a sudden, the words- matter, no-choice, assumption- started to make a horrible semblance of sense.
Elsa- she wasn’t- she wasn’t doing something stupid, right?
I still don’t know what I did next was responsible or not. In my heart, I know, that some part of me would’ve wanted to know more. Wanted to know if something untoward was about to happen, something that I could prevent.
But in those moments, as Luke Combs’ powerful voice sang, “What I thought was gonna be the death of me, was my saving grace…”, images started flashing in my head; Maureen picking up my glass bottles, my letter of reinstation at Unity getting rejected, Sammy, droning in his baritone-voice about the evils of alcohol.
“Screw you bitch.” Send. Block. Flight Mode. That’s all I did.
Thankfully the next stop came shortly after, so I didn’t have to think much about what a potential dick I was. Partly because while deboarding, there was this black hoodied, genuine, dick, who practically shoved me while getting out. “Watch it, asshole,” I called after them, but they gave no response. Which was good, in a way- I had some terrible person other than me to bitch about.
Sammy had turned the television’s volume to a deafening maximum when I walked in. Local news was covering that murder I’d read about on the train earlier today.
“Did they find the perp?” I asked.
“Still lookin’. What they did find was three more mutilated male bodies.”
“Damn. They identified any of those?”
“Gon’ take a while, faces have been disfigured beyond recognition. God, you ever worry about the sick bunch of people hangin’ out in this town?”
“Honest, man. The world’s become a sickening mess.”
“In other news, the Kolkata Knight Riders lost to…”
Aww, man! That was it, I was done with my quota of sickening news. Time to sleep.
I don’t have a habit of browsing messages before I fall asleep, like a lot of people do. But that night, as I lay on my pillow, I kept glancing at my phone. This whole day- what with Elsa, her messages, and everything- something seemed awry. What did she want from me? Did I do the right thing? Was Redneck music really destroying my intellect?
Not willing to take a chance, I put on some of Anne Murray’s music. Shortly after, I drifted off to a peaceful sleep.
I woke to Sammy strongly tugging at my shoulders. “Wake up, man, you’ve got to see this!”. He practically dragged me into the TV room.
My head was prepping some damn-good vulgarity at Sammy for stirring my slumber, but when I got to the room, I spewed it out on the wrong target.
“Son of a bitch!” I yelled at the TV. It remained silent, though. Just a picture of Elsa flashing on its face.
Eventually, it spoke up. “…authorities found Elsa Taylor’s body in an industrial-size-vessel, in an abandoned warehouse. The ongoing investigation suggests that Elsa died from blood-loss caused by self-inflicted wounds on her wrists…”
What the fuck?
It had more to say. “…forensics have confirmed from conducting DNA tests on the extra-facial skin-tissues that were acquired alongside Miss Taylor’s body…as per the current evidence, Miss Taylor is being connected to the gruesome, mutilation murders of Mr. Pedro Navvaro, 31, Mr. Sheldon Maxwell, 29, Mr. Raymond Adair…”
Looked like Pedro. Because it was Pedro.
The killer blow was yet to come. “…the authorities seem to be clear in their stand that Elsa was unstable. Her phone records suggest that she had been in contact with her former love-interests and trying to involve them in some sort of ritual focussed around attaining perfection. While her phone records haven’t been made public yet, the police believe…”
Even before I knew it, I was checking my phone. Nothing new on Whatsapp. There was an SMS, though. A lot of them, in fact, all unread- but who uses SMS anyways?
Elsa did, apparently. Peaking on the screen, over the hundreds of ‘lose-weight’ and ‘buy-property’ messages, there was a series of follow-up texts to my snide comment on Whatsapp.
Elsa: “That’s a shame. Because you did matter to me, Bruce. Gave you a hard time for not being perfect. And I was finally gonna make us that! I was a stickler, weren’t I? But rightfully so. I thought Pedro could see it. But he couldn’t. Neither could Raymond, Sheldon, or Gabe. All they saw was my body. Saw it as my weakness. Thought I was gonna end myself. Who were they gonna rebound with after their girls dumped them? So they offered to help. Each one of them.”
The following image attachment featured me listening to my ear-speakers on my train ride back home.
Elsa: “But you didn’t. Called me bitch. Called me asshole, when we bumped. Didn’t care if I ended myself, did you? But that’s alright. This place we’re all going to- there’s a whole lot of that pentagram-sex you so liked. Goes better with an orgy, you knew that? Won’t even hurt. We’ll all be well-dressed, watch Fincher movies, and have propper breakfast, god-damn you. You’ll miss all of it! Heck, you’re already missing the fun- look at how Pedro’s grinning. Stop it, you sick bastard! Anyways. Figured you should have some closure this time. Stay imperfect. Pity, Elsa.”
It has been three months since Elsa’s last SMS. The police asked me to seek therapy, which I’ve done. Sammy helps, too, keeps telling me I was one, lucky, son of a bitch to escape that psycho bitch Elsa.
But every now and then, as I look at myself in the mirror- my half-salt, half-pepper beard, the pimples on my face, my bloodshot-eyes, with bags under them, I can’t help but wonder- what if I had chosen perfection? What if I had actually bothered listening to those Lana Banana songs Elsa wanted me to hear? What if I had thought twice before recklessly replying to her message? What if I could be having some of that awesome, pentagram orgy with her, and her friends?
What if, I let her bleed all those what-ifs away?
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