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IAmA dark web expert, investigative journalist and true crime author. I’ve met dark web kingpins in far flung prisons and delved the murky depths of child predator forums. I’ve written six books and over a dozen Casefile podcast episodes. Come join us at IAMA and ask me anything! Luckily, her career as a journalist has left her armed with contacts, investigative skills, and an intimate knowledge of the city—everything she needs to make a difference. The Field of Blood, by Denise Mina. They were still traveling, into the dark. That’s the opening line of this book starring reporter Patty Meehan. Investigations Techniques for the Dark Web introduces and explores the private networks of peer-to-peer connections that make up the non-commercial and underground sites of the Internet. The course includes live examples from the Darknet throughout class and practical exercises to demonstrate ways to protect the identity of the investigator ... IAmA dark web expert, investigative journalist and true crime author. I’ve met dark web kingpins in far flung prisons and delved the murky depths of child predator forums. I’ve written six books and over a dozen Casefile podcast episodes. AMA IAmA dark web expert, investigative journalist and true crime author. I’ve met dark web kingpins in far flung prisons and delved the murky depths of child predator forums. I’ve written six books and over a dozen Casefile podcast episodes. AMA IAmA dark web expert, investigative journalist and true crime author. I’ve met dark web kingpins in far flung prisons and delved the murky depths of child predator forums. I’ve written six books and over a dozen Casefile podcast episodes. AMA Dark Journalist takes us deep in X-Series Episode 43 by looking at the enigmatic Electro-Gravitics Scientist Thomas Townsend Brown. This special episode traces the development of two secret forces working in the secret goverment after World War 2 that sought control over the emerging X Technology in the UFO File. Listen to Crime Writers On...True Crime Review episodes free, on demand. The original true crime review podcast that looks at other podcasts, TV, and pop culture. True crime authors and real-life couple Rebecca Lavoie and Kevin Flynn hold a pop-culture round table with noir novelist Toby Ball and journalist-turned-investigator Lara Bricker. The panel chats about other podcasts (including ... The novel is a true crime classic — it was researched by award-winning novelists Truman Capote and Harper Lee, and its ability to bring every detail of the crime to life revolutionized the true ... In this podcast, host Dan Zupansky interviews people who have written about some of the most horrifying crimes of our time. He works through a mixture of high-profile cases and lesser-known crimes ...

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Source | Guestbook
Note: Some answers were repetitive, but were not edited out.
Questions Answers
Have you ever gotten into legal trouble by exploring the dark places of the internet? Like, "sorry, officer, I was only surfing drug markets and child molester forums for my next journalism piece..." Do you worry about that? Do you have to take extra steps to protect yourself? I'm very careful not to go anywhere that it is illegal to visit. You will hear loads of stories about how easy it is to "stumble upon" child porn, but the fact is that those sites usually have names like "Preteen cuties" so you know exactly what they are, and in order to access them you have to register. So you have to make a very deliberate choice to log into them. I have no interest whatsoever in viewing any child abuse material, so I don't go into those places. When I was researching The Darkest Web, I went to the discussion forums that didn't allow any images (though they did link to sites that did), and even there I turned off images.
As for the drugs, weapons etc, there is nothing illegal about surfing them and looking around.
I do get a bit nervous every time I visit the US, especially when I was invited to a "friendly" lunch with Homeland Security once (it was reasonably friendly as it turns out, it was also terrifying)
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Why did homeland security want to talk to you? They said it was about the murder-for-hire stuff, but some of the questions leaned toward something else
Is there anything that really concerns you about the dark web? Some of the things already discussed are beyond barbaric and that is only the stuff that has been found out about and been picked up by the media and your fantastic work. Do you think the public should expect worse and more horrific revelations from the dark web or is it just "more of the same" for lack of a better term and do you think the authorities are getting better in shutting this inhumanity down and catching the people responsible? I am definitely not against people taking back their online privacy and I actually think that buying drugs from the darknet markets is a safer and more sensible option than buying them from the dodgy dealer down the road. However the one thing that is really disturbing is that the dark web has provided a place for child predators to find each other and form communities where they support and egg each other on. Imagine a few years ago, someone who was into hurtcore could never tell anyone else and would be unlikely to ever come across another person with the same perversions. Now it is as simple as finding the relevant site on the dark web. When there are suddenly hundreds of people who all think and act in the same way, it normlalizes what they are doing.
One of the guys who got caught, Matthew Falder, was a sadist who used to crowdsource "ideas" for torturing the children and teens he was blackmailing into doing heinous things for him online. But apparently he was a "normal" intelligent popular guy
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But how does everyone participate in those illegal sites without getting caught? You said in other comments that you tried to stay away from underaged sites because they were illegal. Can't they be tracked down, even with tor and a vpn? The thing that I don't understand is that even on the dark web people say you should stay away from illegal sites, but how are pedos not getting caught? they are getting caught, but the way they are getting caught is through painstaking detective work, looking for clues in photos, befriending them online and getting them to reveal things about themselves (what is known as social engineering). It takes a long time and many resources.
I say don't go there because (a) it is illegal and (b) you really shouldn't want to go there
Iirc you attended the trial of the person behind the horrific hurt core website that was exposed a few years back. I was wondering if there was anything in particular that happened during the trial that particularly shocked or horrified you that isn't really public knowledge or talked about? Reactions from the judge or perpetrator during the trial etc. As I remember it the guy was a fairly young loner who lived with his parents but would probably never have been expected to be behind the horrific vile things which he was found to be. Also, how did you get into investigative journalism/writing? I wrote in one of the other replies above about the little mute girl that has stayed with me. Also, at the insistence of the prosecution, the judge had to watch "Daisy's Destruction" which was a video of torture of a toddler. He put it off for two days and when he came back he was white. He didn't have the sound on, which is considered the worst part, but he still looked shell-shocked. I don't envy him.
I'll cut'n'paste re your last question: I was in London, working for one of the most conservative law firms in the world when the Global Financial Crisis hit. I liked the job but it struck me when people were losing their livelihoods that I was working for the bad guys. I'd always wanted to be a writer so when I came back to Australia I quit law and enrolled in a writing course planning to be a novelist, but I discovered I was better at journalism. I first wrote for newspapers here about Silk Road and it grew from there
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Thanks for the reply.. that really must've been horrific for all involved from investigation to trial and for all of the victims (apart from the scum responsible of course). I guess it would be naive to assume that the end of this site did anything other than drive this depraved community even further underground. That is the part which is really scary to me but I suppose all we can do is have faith that the authorities are always close on the tail. Thank you for your work on reporting on this and raising this stuff more into the public consciousness and making people more aware of what kind of evil still lurks. It was the most disturbing two days of my life, made all the worse because they read out hours of interactions from the site where the children still had not been identified or the predators caught.
Hurt2theCore was not the last site of its kind and there are still hurtcore sites to this day on the dark web. The one hopeful thing is that there are international task forces that seem to work together really well (unlike when it comes to drugs and every law enforcement agency wants to take the lead and they all withhold info from each other). There are a lot of resources allocated to identifying predators and their victims. Sometimes this has involved some very controversial tactics, such as taking over the sites and letting them run, so that they can use social engineering techniques to identify those who are using the sites and who are actually abusing children
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So daisy's destruction is real? Was it referred to by that name court? I always thought it was a myth Yes, Daisy's Destruction is real, it was referred to by name in court and the judge had to watch the 12 minutes of it that were hosted on Hurt2theCore.
The "myth" part is that it shows a murder. The toddler, Daisy, lived, though she suffered such horrific injuries she will never be able to bear children. Hopefully she was young enough that she will grow up without the memory.
However, Scully did murder at least one child, whose body was found under the floorboards of his house. it is not known whether he filmed her murder as no video evidence of it has come to light.
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Thanks for answering. I actually watched a really good video on Hurt2theCore on youtube once, I think it was by a guy called Nexpo. It was really detailed and informative about the whole case - I forgot those details. Thanks again for replying, this AMA is really informative! I think I recall that one, it was from a few years ago.
An excellent podcast that came out recently is "Hunting Warhead", highly recommend a listen. It is a tough listen, but exceptionally well-told and respectfully handled
How do you detach yourself from your work? I'm an investigator for a law firm and I've had a lot of difficult working on wrongful death cases recently. Also, how did you first end up getting published? Any tips for people interested in that field? Thanks! I don't detach. When I was researching hurtcore, it was harrowing and affected me deeply. Writing that part of the book was a very slow process because I just couldn't be in that headspace for very long at a time. Once the book was written I didn't go back there.
I already had a reputation as a blogger and a freelance journalist when i pitched my book on Silk Road. I got an agent and it was auctioned off, with Pan MacMillan getting the rights. At the time, Silk Road was still going strong, and the book I wrote was about this new frontier of drug dealing that was changing the world. I was writing it "from the inside" as I had been an active part of the community for two years. However, right as I submitted the final manuscript to my publisher, Silk Road was busted and Ross Ulbricht arrested, so i had to quickly change the narrative to a "Rise and Fall" thing!
How many times have you approached law enforcement with information and how many times has the approach resulted in action? and... are there times where you know something nefarious is happening but history and the evidence at hand tells you it's not worth the effort? There is no point in approaching law enforcement to say "I have come across this site". If I've found it, you can guarantee law enforcement has found it as well.
The only time I've approached law enforcement was when I had information that they did not, which was when a friendly hacker provided me with a back door into the Besa Mafia murder-for-hire site. I got to see all the messages and orders etc. Of course LE knew about the site, but they did not have the details of the people who had hits taken out on them. We tried desperately to tell police in several countries that real people had paid real money to have other real people killed, but they just weren't interested. We sounded like crazy people talking about dark web hitmen, who were scams anyway and nobody was dead, so why should they be interested? They became much more engaged when one of the people WE HAD PREVIOUSLY TOLD THEM ABOUT later turned up dead
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By law enforcement, do you mean only local or else the big agencies? I feel like I wouldn't tell my local police department because they wouldn't really know what to do. It would have to the the bigger agencies. FBI in US. NCA in UK. AFP in Australia. Nobody was very interested, although the FBI did visit at least one of the targets to let her know she was a target. She still wound up dead
What are some of the most prevalent uses of the dark web that AREN'T all shady and nefarious? We might be getting into semantics here, but people use Tor, which is the most possible darknet that is used to access the dark web, just for private browsing and ensuring that commercial interests aren't following them everywhere to bombard them with ads for some thing they looked up.
Some of the news organizations have a dark web presence so that whistleblowers can upload information safely. Even the CIA has a site on the dark web so that people can anonymously tip off matters of national security.
Other than that, there are just forums, where you don't have to worry that every single stupid thing you post will be saved in posterity forever, to be trotted out years later when you run for congress or something
After everything you've seen, does anything surprise you anymore or are you just numb to it at this point? Do you think there should be more education/exposure about the dark web than there is now or would that just be counter-productive as people would just find another place to hide? I'm curious to hear any favourite stories about the Psychonauts. I am not numb and I hope I never become numb. I really don't visit the horrible dark places very often, unless I'm researching something specific, and even then I don't look at pictures or videos. Most of the crime is pretty benign - I'm not fazed by people wanting a safer way to buy drugs.
I think there needs to be ongoing discussions about online activity and its misuse in general, but most crime still happens on the clearnet. The dark web is not nearly as large or prevalent as people fear.
For a long time, a dealer provided free LSD to anyone who wanted it for personal use (ie not sale) and to any organizations who were doing psychedelic therapy.
One psychonaut got busted and spent time in prison... only he still had bitcoin in a wallet and by the time he was released he was a millionaire. He would have just spent it on drugs otherwise :)
I know law enforcement has to delve into the predator side of the dark web. With what you've seen do you think it should be mandatory or an industry standard that law enforcement officials seek professional help? I couldn't imagine investigating that daily and not thinking less of humanity at some point. I'm pretty sure they do. I worked for Legal Aid for a while, and i know there were pretty strict rules in place for the lawyers who had to defend child abusers.
When I was at the trial for Lux, owner of Hurt2theCore, I met a cop whose job it was to watch all the videos and befriend the predators in an attempt to get them to slip up and reveal something of themselves. She said she had a little filing cabinet in her brain where she put all that stuff, and that making an arrest made it all worthwhile. She had made several arrests personally. She was a sex offender's worst nightmare :)
What’s one of your personal favorite investigations and what made it unique for you? By far the Besa Mafia murder-for-hire case. What made it unique was that, first, I was provided a back door into the Besa Mafia site by a friendly hacker, so i had information that nobody else had. But then I became "friends" for want of a better word with the owner of the site, Yura. Besa Mafia, of course, was not killing anyone, but Yura made a LOT of money scamming would-be murderers out of their money. We entered into a weird relationship over the years where i would report on his activities and he would try every trick under the sun to stop me from doing so, so that he could keep scamming people. He even offered me a job, helping him, because he had become so busy. He also provided me with names and details of people who had hits taken out on them so I could pass them on to law enforcement.
It all became horribly real when one of the people who had a hit put out of them wound up dead. It wasn't Yura of course, but the guy had paid him $13K before giving up on the site and doing it himself. The thing was WE HAD TOLD THE FBI about the hit and the $13K and they visited the victim, but then put it into the too-hard basket when she couldn't think who might have paid that much to kill her.
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Wow. That’s actually pretty cool. Reminds me of an old saying. “Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.” It's a seriously bizarre relationship. When I was hired as a consultant by CBS for a 48 Hours expose on dark web hitmen, he actually agreed to meet me in London. But he thought that CBS was going to advertise his site as the real deal and he got excited and sent them details of two people who had hits put out on them. CBS sent them straight to the police and very shortly after two arrests were made and it was all over the news, where they called his site a scam. Yura got so pissed about it, he never turned up to our meeting. They had even hired an Academy Award-nominated master of disguise makeup artist to disguise him!
are "red rooms" actually a prevalent thing, or just a widespread misconception or rumor? I ask in part because it's very easy to see, for instance, Mexican cartels dismembering people alive, etc, just on the clearnet. Hell, a couple days ago I saw a video posted of a cartel member cutting out a dude's heart while the guy was alive, and he ATE it. He fucking ATE it. So it seems plausible... The most popular myth of all is Red Rooms, where people – usually women – are tortured to death live on camera while those who have paid to watch type in torture commands in a chat box. Think the movie Hostel, with webcams. In this sense these have never been proven to exist. I get where you are coming from with the cartels, and the recent news item where they found those shipping containers set up with torture rooms freaked me out and made me wonder!
There is some truth to this rumour, but the execution is not like you see in the movies. Most notably, because it involves children, not adults abused on demand for paying pedophiles, but not to the point of death
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The news about those shipping containers really made me speculate, since for every one person who gets caught doing something evil, there must be at least several more people who are very honed in their 'profession' doing the same evil deeds and worse, yet who evade being captured for decades. Anyway, based on morbid things I've seen, karma comes around eventually... I know, right? It really freaked me out, and then when I read that they already had intended victims for them but the police got to them first and put them in protected custody.. IMAGINE SEEING THOSE PICTURES AND KNOWING YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THEM!! I would retire to a deserted island somewhere
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Your line of work could easily result in something like C-PTSD down the road a little ways. I have a morbid curiosity, and have seen worse than those shipping containers had to offer. I'm sure you have as well. So one more question from you, if you don't mind: what are some proactive approaches to mental health you take to safeguard your sanity? A lot of wine. Cuddle my dog
Hi, there! This has been fascinating to read; thank you so much for sharing! I'm curious: why do you think so many people who don't want to engage with disgusting and illegal content like hurtcore find it so interesting to read about? Do you have any insight into your readership and the ethics associated with reading about these kind of topics? I think morbid fascination with the dark is exceedingly common - just look at how many people can't get enough about serial killers! In some ways it is probably a self-defense mechanism - the vast majority of true-crime readers are women. People like to be armed with knowledge. We also like to be spooked and scared.
As for my books, I don't really go into much gory detail, but the horror still shines through
Out of all 9-5 jobs out there, why this? What’s your motive? I got disenchanted by being a lawyer and I had wanted to be an author since childhood. The lawyering put me in a strong enough financial position that I could quit to do a uni course for a couple of years. My plan was to become a best-selling novelist, but my first chick-lit novel was nothing special. However, during the course, I found I did really well at journalism and was soon making a living as a freelance journo before I finished the course. My first major feature was on the Silk Road drugs market, which I had discovered thanks to a friend who was using it. Once I got in there I became fascinated by everything about it and started contacting the owner, users, vendors etc asking for stories (I was upfront about who I was). I began the first serious dark web blog - allthingsvice.com - and also became the go-to freelancer for Australian dark web stories. Then I pitched my first book and got a healthy advance for it.
I like working for myself, working from home and delving into things. Right now I have my dream job (though it wouldn't hurt to pay a bit more. I'm certainly not making anywhere near what I used to make lawyering, but I make enough to get by and I live pretty simply)
Did you ever do any writing on Brian Farrell and his role in Silk Road 2.0? I was Brian's cellmate for all of 2017 at Sheridan Federal Prison and heard all of his crazy stories. Was just curious as to the validity of them all. DoctorClu! I did write briefly about him in Silk Road, but it wasn't all positive. I remember being frustrated by the shitshow that was Silk Road 2.0 in the beginning, right after SR1 shut and when DPR2 took off and Defcon got all dramatic. It settled down after a bit and lasted a year, when it was revealed THEY HAD A FUCKING UNDERCOVER HOMELAND SECURITY OFFICER ON STAFF THE WHOLE TIME. But yeah, anyhow, they are probably true. I'd love to hear them :)
Was there ever something on the dark web that made you surprised ( in a good way) and smile ? So many things. Back in the day of the original Silk Road, I became obsessed with the forums, the people behind it, the intelligent discourse about the War on Drugs and philosophy. I found it amusing that drug dealers ran sales and giveaways. There were book clubs and movie clubs.
One of the most important people from that era was Dr Fernando Cauevilla, who became a member of Silk Road as "DoctorX". He was a real doctor who provided genuine, free, non-judgmental advice about drug use to the members of the site. It was quite an amazing time.
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Did Ulbricht get taken down the way we were told in the news? What happened to all the Bitcoins? His arrest went down the way we were told in the news. How they located the server has never been disclosed (other than a fanciful explanation that NOBODY could believe). This explanation may be tested if Variety Jones runs a Fourth Amendment argument at his trial
The bitcoin in the wallet on Ross' computer was auctioned off by the Feds. He may have other bitcoin wallets stashed somewhere but nobody knows
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Book/movie clubs on the silk road? Yeah, they would set reading and then everyone would come back and discuss the book, or they would have a time when everyone watched the same movie at the same time and chatted about it in real time
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Haha that's amazing! I don't suppose you remember any of the books in question? They used to be a lot of philosophy books, especially on agorism. A Lodging of Wayfaring Men was one of the books. I remember V for Vendetta on a movie night
You don't seem to be pushing your most recent project and you're actually answering all the questions people ask, so I've got ask...are you some sort of government plant meant to destabilize reddit? This isn't how AMAs are supposed to work. You come in, you half ass a few questions, hawk whatever you're here to hawk, and then leave after 20 minutes. That's how it's done. lol I'm a genuine redditor from way back, and I love talking about the stuff I do. I did find that after I answered a question in an AskReddit thread a while back that blew up, the sales followed. But that was organic and I don't think you can force it to happen - Reddit can spot that a mile awy
What are some of the best things about the dark web? And can anyone get on it? Things you can buy that you can’t buy normally online? I really enjoy some of the forums, especially the psychonaut forums where people who like to trip on psychedelics get together and talk drugs and philosophy. There's a real "be kind to one another" vibe.
Getting on the dark web is easy, but not getting scammed when buying things takes a lot of homework. Yes, you can buy most things, but the most popular things are drugs and digital goods, i.e. things that depend on repeat custom and are easily transferable from seller to buyer
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[deleted] You're doing the Good Work my man. I'd give you one of those awards if i knew how
What would you define the word "Safe" when it come to the internet (both www and dark web) world and are there any tips that I should follow to keep myself safe? It really depends on what YOU mean by safe. Tor, which is the darknet that provides access to the dark web will keep you safe from prying eyes and surveillance.
If you mean keep your information safe, the old-fashioned advice is to never reuse your password and to enable 2-Factor authentication wherever you can. Your information is quite likely somewhere on the dark web thanks to high-profile hacks of major organizations, but provided you don't re-use usernames and passwords, you really don't have to worry too much about it.
If you mean keeping yourself and/or any kid safe from predators, the only thing is to ensure you are educated about the approaches and methods they use.
Has Covid affected the Dark Web in any real way? Also I just read through all of the post comments, what incredible story’s. I would totally buy a book about the Silk Road or Yaru! re covid on the dark web, here's some notes I made for an interview I did recently:
* when Trump first hyped hydroxychloroquine as a potential miracle cure for COVID-19, drug dealers on the dark web seized on the claim.
* Listings quickly popped up on the most popular darknet markets
* A vendor on Whitehouse Market sells 100 Pills for $90, calling it a “Miracle Drug For Coronavirus” and suggesting buyers purchase in bulk to sell at a mark-up locally.
* Another makes the dubious claim “This drug will help people to beat Corona Virus” There are 11 listings on Empire Market currently, although more than half are from the one seller, who is a well-known and trusted vendor on the site.
* There were also people claiming to be selling infected blood or plasma of recovered COVID victims
* The infected blood stuff is just bullshit IMO Just because something is listed doesn’t mean it is genuinely for sale
* There's been some claims to be selling vaccines
* At the beginning there were also loads of listings for PPE
* some just used it as a marketing tactic - “fight off the virus with edible cannabis” or “relax with Xanax” and others as an excuse to raise their prices
* However, sales are low compared to sales of other drugs on the site, so it is difficult to say whether it’s something that will really catch on
* It didn’t take long for complaints to come in and market owners to clamp down on anything claiming to be a miracle cure or vaccine
* users were discouraging other users from profiting off the pandemic and requested markets provide health and safety information
* All the major markets forbid anything being sold as a cure for COVID. They flagged keywords and vendors would be told to take any listings down. They also put out PSAs telling people not to buy
* Monopoly: threatened to ban and.. “You are about to ingest drugs from a stranger on the internet - under no circumstances should you trust any vendor that is using COVID-19 as a marketing tool to peddle already questionable goods”
* It was a business decision. They don’t want anything that will attract attention or that might cause desperate people who wouldn’t normally use the DNMs to find their way there
* The idea behind DNMs generally is educated and responsible drug use. They really don’t want people dying - bad publicity and no repeat custom
* However the dark web is rife with scammers and people willing to prey on the desperate so there are still scams out there
* The only way I could ever see it becoming a thing is if there is a well-known potential cure/vaccine that is not being made widely available and could plausibly find its way onto the black market
Hi Eileen :) My question is about how you construct your Casefile episodes - I assume there is an extensive amount of outlining but do you write the final draft like a script specifically thinking about his voice? And about how long are they as far as - for example - does one hour equal 50-60 pages? Thank you. I initially write them as if I'm writing an article or book, but then go back and edit them to be read out and yes, when I do that, I do have his voice in my head lol. One episode is usually around 12,000 words. It then goes to another editor who edits the episode to be even more "casefileaa' before it finally goes to Casey
Have you been exposed to things in your investigations that have made you second-guess what you do? If so, what has made you keep going back? i've definitely had days where I question everything, but to be honest, I don't really hang around the horrible really dark places much. I did delve into the child predator forums when I was writing The Darkest Web, but I don't make it a habit to go there. The psychonauts are much more friendly
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To continue with that- have you clicked images, links that make you a suspect in certain scenarios? Oh absolutely. Sometimes I go to a "Fresh Onion" site, which is a site that crawls all the .onion addresses (dark web URLs end in .onion rather than .com, org etc) and alerts you to any new ones. Sometimes they don't have any description, so you take a big risk clicking on any of those. The most dangerous button on the dark web is the "Random Onion" button, so I avoid that.
I'm pretty careful about what I click, but the moment something looks questionable I nope the fuck right out of there
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Have you ever felt that you may be a suspect whether it be ok a drug site, a pedo site, etc. Have you ever been contacted by someone regarding your surfing habits? Well my actual surfing habits are protected by Tor, which means they are hidden from prying eyes, so no I haven't been contacted about them. I am very open on the dark web about who I am and what I'm doing there - I use the name OzFreelancer on all of the markets and forums. I don't go to the sites that host child abuse images - you can't un-see that shit and I don't need it in my head.
As noted in another reply, I was contacted by Homeland Security on one of my visits to the US and taken for a "friendly" lunch.
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Psychonauts are more friendly than most people. Something about regular mind altering experiences makes you want to be less of a cunt. Yeah, I call The Majestic Garden a little corner of sunshine and rainbows on the dark web :)
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More about The Majestic Garden please? What is grown there? It's a place where people talk about and source psychedelics - most notably LSD, the 2C family, DMT and MDMA. Talk about and sourcing harder drugs is forbidden. In fact the admins snuck in an autocorrect so that any time someone wrote the word "cocaine" it would post as "a raging hardon" :D
Do you fear that seeing all this stuff might turn you emotionally blunt? I'm not watching any of this stuff on purpose (even the clearnet stuff), because I fear that the more you see of it, the more normal it gets, and ultimately, the more it will fuck you up. To quote the movie 8mm... "If you dance with the devil, the devil don't change. The devil changes you." No, I can't even watch "3 Guys 1 Hammer" in its entirety, let alone look at the really dark materials on the dark web. When I was researching The Darkest Web, going into the predator forums did the opposite of making me blunt. It was the shortest section of the book but took the longest to write because it was so emotionally draining
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I have to ask, what is "3 Guys 1 Hammer"? It's a video of two teenagers murdering an innocent man with a hammer that went viral on the gore sites of the regular internet. It's truly horrible.
The teens killed over 20 people. I wrote about them in my book Psycho.com (excuse the plug)
I heard somewhere that you foster dogs. Is that something you do to counter all the terrible humans you encounter in your research - everyone knows how dogs are better than people. How many dogs have you fostered and which one was your favourite? After my dog died I knew I didn't want to have another dog as I wanted to travel more. So I thought fostering dogs would be the answer as you give them love for a few weeks and then they go to their forever home. My first foster, Roy, was a big fat failure and now he lives here and sleeps in our bed and is the most spoiled dog alive
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Did you then just decide to quit travelling? I don't know anything about Roy, but I already think I love him. Nah, he has family he can stay with when I go away, but any major travelling has been thwarted by COVID for now anyway. I'm in a hard lockdown city.
And I'm sure Roy would love you too, u/suckmyhugedong
Given how much you know about the dark web, what kind of crazy awful nightmares have you had? This could be a really good one. Thank you Probably the worst thing was delving into the forums where child predators gathered. I never looked at any videos or photos, but just seeing their discussions sickened me. The one thing that keeps coming back to me came out of the sentencing hearing that I attended of Lux, owner of Hurt2theCore, considered the most heinous website in history. In court they read out a conversation between him and an abuser who made videos of torture of the mute disabled child in his care. They were joking "at least she won't be able to tell anyone" . the abuser wasn't caught, at least by that stage
As an indie author, how have you sourced freelancers? Did you seek out those that have specific expertise or did you work with editors from your time as a traditionally published author? I learned to do everything myself before I started outsourcing.
I work with a professional editor who happens to be a friend of mine from back when we did a writing course together. I've been doing my own covers, but now that I have some royalties coming in, I've engaged a professional cover artist from Reedsy to develop a brand and more professional-looking covers for me. It is the hardest thing to find people you really want to work with and who are in budget.
I still haven't got the hang of email lists, newsletters or a website - they are all in a total mess at the moment and I'd love to find someone who can do them, but again it is that problem of finding the right person who is within budget
is it true that most of the internet is in the "dark web"? if so about how much percent is it? By far the biggest myth is that it 10x larger than the Internet. I mean, this should be common sense anyway, but it gets propagated by tabloid media all the time. It stems a lot from people using the terms "deep web" and "dark web" interchangably when they are different things.
The statement that 90% (or thereabouts) of the internet is hidden is true, and it is called the deep web (not the dark web). The 90% that is hidden is all those pages you won’t get to using google or any other search engines. There’s nothing scary about that – in fact it works in your favour.
The easiest example is your bank. The bank’s major page is available to anyone who searches the web (part of the 10%, also known as the “clearweb”). But once you log in, all those pages you can access that contain your personal details? Not searchable on google. Each one of those pages is part of the 90% of the deep web. Business and government intranets also make up part of the deep web. Honestly, it’s nothing to worry about.
The dark web – the hidden services available through Tor and other anonymising programs – makes up a tiny fraction of the deep web. A really, really tiny fraction. It is infinitely smaller than the clearweb.
Do you think human trafficking happens on the dark web? Last year (I think) there was a really bizarre story here in the UK about a model who was supposedly kidnapped to order, drugged and transported overseas by a group called "Black Death". The official story is that BD doesn't exist, and the kidnapper was a fantasist. Is it likely that humans are bought and sold into slavery over the dark web? There are no slick websites with auctions for slaves on the dark web, but I have no doubt that human traffickers use dark web encryption to communicate.
(here comes the second plug for the thread) - I wrote about the kidnap of Chloe Ayling and the Black Death Group in Murder on the Dark Web
What ever happened to the plural of mongoose storyline? it seems like after he was arrested in the united states, his case just fizzled away. did you ever find out any more information about yuri after he cancelled the interview with a news program? what happened with peter scully's case? i read that there was a fire where a lot of evidence against him was held and it all went up in smoke. are there any character and/or personality storylines that you feel haven't been told or are still a complete mystery? eg. tony76 1. He is still in the MCC in NY and awaiting trial. It has taken a long time because he had terrabytes of information to go through and things would have slowed down due to covid. I understand he is running the Fouth Amendment argument that Ulbricht probably should have run in the first place
2. I last heard from Yura just a few weeks ago. He is still scamming. There are some more programs in the works about him
3. Yes there was a very convenient fire, but he still got sentenced to life and i hope he rots in hell
4. I am madly curious to know what is happening with the extradition of James Ellingson, aka “MarijuanaIsMyMuse”, aka "redandwhite", MAYBE aka Tony76. I would LOVE to know that full story!
the below is a reply to the above
Wow, this shit is a blast from the past. I used to love following the darknetmarket drama. Did you write about PoM and tony76 in one of your books? Ever since reddit shut down /darknetmarket I've been out of the loop. Yes, I wrote about them in The Darkest Web
I was in touch with PoM/Mongoose when he went on a posting rampage on MyPlanetGanja, then visited him in Bangkok prison several times. Wrote all about it :)
This may have been answered by a previous post pertaining to native language barriers to specific sites on the dark web, but in your investigations, did you come across content/pages/forums from warzones? Middle East, Burma, Afghanistan, etc? If yes, what was the most memorable bit? There are loads of sites in foreign languages, but it is too difficult for me (a one-language numpty) to attempt to translate through AI, and it is not worth hiring a translator when they could just turn out to be Cat Facts
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2020.07.28 14:12 throwitallaway8787 Live webcam porn teen couple

I walked out of prison more than three years ago, and have really turned my life around. I have a wonderful girlfriend, a new house, and a great job...but I still struggle daily with porn, and in the past few months things have gotten really bad. This addiction does not simply go away. I posted this a few days ago in several other subs because I myself need serious help and didn't know where to turn, but I'm posting it here mostly because I think reading my story could actually help people. Also, it is helpful for me to hear that people can relate to my story.
If you've starting watching porn that makes you think, "I shouldn't be watching this", then you need to read this. You will continue to seek out more and more extreme porn, and could eventually find yourself in jail. Your entire life can turn upside-down in a millisecond, but right now you have the chance to turn it around.
I relapsed yesterday. This is day one for me of being porn free. Write it in stone.
-------
I'm really struggling right now, and have been for the majority of my life. If I keep heading down the path I am currently on, I know I will once again find myself in a prison cell, thinking about how amazing my life had been, and wishing I had gotten help before it was too late. I have already gazed once over the smouldering ruins of a life I had worked hard for, only to lose everything in one defining moment. I've risen from the ashes once; I don't think I can do it again.
As a first step, I just need to put the full truth of my behavior out there. I have never told anyone half the stuff I'm about to write here, not even therapists. I really just need to type it out, all of it; I need to see it. I'm not looking for a diagnosis from anyone, but maybe just some thoughts from those who can relate to what I've been going through my entire life. There are crimes mentioned here, but I have already been convicted and served time for every one of them, and I am not currently engaging in any illegal activity.
I am currently in no danger of harming myself or anyone else, unless you count consistently violating the trust of all the people I love. This will eventually lead to me ruining the life I've worked so hard for, as well as destroying everyone I love. This issue, in various forms, has been going on for almost twenty years - all of my teen years and adult life. I don't know what it's like not to be handicapped by this. Enough is enough.
1. Sexuality in my childhood and early teen years.
I grew up financially privileged household with parents who both supported me, and I believe did they absolute best they could. In terms of their treatment of me, I don't ever recall them being anything but supportive in every possible way. As an only child of well-off parents, I was spoiled, and to my memory I really never had to earn the things I wanted. I think that my parents felt guilty for reasons mentioned below, and buying me stuff was seemingly an easy way to make me happy, especially since they both worked full time. A series of full-time babysitters helped take care of me early on. To my memory they were all great.
My parents were constantly yelling at each other. Never any physical abuse, but the yelling never stopped between them. At best guess it was all financial stuff due to my dad buying any car or motorhome or boat or house he liked. I counted once that they split up at least ten times before I was a teenager, and I lived in over twelve different houses (in the same area) before I turned 18. I had normal childhood friends, but I ended up spending a lot of time alone in my room with the door closed; it was a safe space. I was a very fearful and timid child, and never took chances to do anything that made me uncomfortable. This lack of confidence was strong into my late teens, and was still present until my mid-twenties. I was nervous and anxious all the time, and my parents did have me in therapy various times for depression. It might be worth noting that I regularly wet the bed until probably age 8 or 9. I don't know how much a normal person remembers of their childhood, but I think I remember a lot less than average. I have no reason to think I've repressed any abuse.
I was always extremely well behaved, and never once had to be disciplined in school. I was quite literally never "in trouble". Growing up, I remember adults around me would constantly remark I acted and talked like an adult. The way other kids acted out was very strange to me. I started reading books by myself at a very young age. I was nice, fairly quiet, and unassuming. I guess the best way to describe me would've been "stoic".
I was fascinated with sex a very early age, and my parents gave me "the talk" sometime in elementary school because teachers had noticed my sexual behavior. I have no reason to believe I was ever abused by anyone during this time. Around age 11 I found a page of Hustler magazine underneath a sink in a local grocery store. I had never seen anything like that before, and can still remember exactly what the page looked like - full penetration, cum on faces, anal. Like I said I don't remember much at all from when I was young, but I remember this; it felt like something snapped in my brain.
At best guess, around the age of 13 or 14 I started watching several hours of hardcore internet pornography every night - binge sessions that would keep me up until the early hours of the morning. At the time I didn't think this was abnormal.
I often forget just how terrified I was of girls at this state in my life, because I am now very confident with women. But from puberty and into my early twenties I was painfully inept with girls. If a pretty girl talked to me my face would turn BEET red and I'd start noticeably sweating. With the few girls I felt comfortable with, I was a friend zone extraordinaire. Just like most male teenagers, I was extremely horny, and lusted after every single cute girl, but I never did anything with any of them...not even close until late high school, not even a kiss. Everyone I knew was having sex at 13 and 14 years old, and I felt like a total loser in this regard. Asking a girl out was simply impossible, let alone knowing what to do if they wanted to have sex. This was a constant source of crushing stress, and porn was a temporarily band-aid for the pain. I would like to know if this might be part of the reason I find the jailbait and ageplay stuff so exciting.
I did have one girlfriend for almost two years from age 18 to 20, but I had serious issues getting it up when we had sex. I think my brain was so used to the constant stream of porn every night that real girls were now just boring, intimidating, and a lot of work. She cheated on me, but I stayed with her because she was hot and she told me she loved me. Then we both went to college near each other, but she broke up with me like a month into the first semester via text. I was crushed and didn't get into another relationship until I was 25. Before my mid-twenties my level of confidence with girls was simply abysmal.
To the best of my knowledge, my movement outside normal pornography started during my late teens/early 20s with hentai, then into paying camgirls, then to making posts on Craigslist in all the personal sections, but mostly m4m because the people were real and looking. At some point later on I started looking at loli hentai, which I've recently learned actually appears to be illegal in the USA. This seems like a defining moment because prior to this I had no urge to seek out anything "young". The girls looked young in hentai, and it seemed at some point to just slowly progress to drawings which were meant to actually resemble children. It was a very long, slow, and imperceptible shift from regular porn to extreme, but to me, looking back, the path is very distinct.
I consider myself straight, and not even bisexual. But I also talked to hundreds of men during this period of time by way of the Craigslist personals section (probably age 21 at this point). Most I just talked to, and never intended to meet. I ended up giving blowjobs to two of them in cars, and I fucking hated it each time. I compulsively created and responded to these posts on Craigslist. I recently deleted that email account - there were literally thousands of those Craigslist emails.
2. Worsening compulsive porn use in my early twenties.
At this point I started venturing more and more into "deviant" porn. After a huge binge session I would finish and just sit there numb, wondering why I was continuously doing this, even if it was just regular porn. Shame and guilt hit me like a truck after every session, but when I would wake up the next day I seemingly forgot about everything, and just would go on with my normal life. Nobody realized I had any porn issues whatsoever, and from the outside I appeared as a normal dude, and really I didn't think I had issues. Every night was the same, and every night I ended up going to bed hating myself, but would be just blissfully ignorant come the next day.
It was like some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde shit where I would just transform into some slimy reptile at night, who had full control of me until he finished a smut binge session. And I'm always in the background, trying to get him to stop. I was "happy" at this point; I had tons of friends, and was liked by girls. Though at that time, a girl would have to literally throw herself on me to let me know she was interested. I was totally oblivious to any attraction toward me. A number of girl have told me in recent years that they had a huge crush on me, but I was just oblivious.
Also, I think I had this warped perception of sex because I had been exposed to thousands of hours of hardcore porn. I thought my dick was tiny and that I'd get laughed at. Also, no one had ever property taught me to care for my uncircumcised penis, and therefore I had phimosis at this point (unretractable foreskin). Sex with my one long term girlfriend was painful for me because of this, and it was just so much easier to jack off than deal with all this humiliation.
3. Things get bad.
Around 2009 Chatroulette and Omegle came out, which was a turning point. I found myself calling in sick to work to browse Omegle all day and night. Like eight or ten hours worth, which is sometimes what it took to find a girl willing to help you finish. There were girls who were definitely younger than 18, but I was so desperate for any sexual attention that I somehow convinced myself that talking to these girls was OK. "If they don't say they're under 18 then it's ok, right??" I didn't have a preference for anyone younger, but if some girl was willing to watch me, apparently I didn't really care what their age was. At the end of all these sessions I would think, "uh, what the fuck are you doing dude", followed by the normal torrent of shame.
The rational me is always there, literally begging myself to stop. I consistently participate in things I am ashamed of, all the while telling myself that what I'm doing is wrong and hoping that I can somehow stop myself. I feel like I'm down a dark well, screaming up at the guy who is in charge, but all he wants to is consume the dirtiest and kinkiest smut he can find; only after that will he let me climb out.
Which brings us to when I started looking at non-nude jailbait photos around the age of 23. I'm not sure when I discovered the "Newstar" and "Tinymodel" photo sets, but to that reptile dude in my head they were extremely exciting.
Historically, I have never had any intense sexual attraction to girls younger than me, and I have always sought out girls within my age range. But being honest, part of me loved looking at these pictures of young scantily clad girls. Vanilla porn was now just uninteresting, and didn't provide me the same excitement, and this jailbait stuff was literally like I had found a new drug. I loved it and I fucking hated it. I never walked around in public and saw young girls and thought "wow I want to have sex with her". It was all photo and video based. It was like the girls I was looking at online weren't even real people to me.
It was not long before I started seeking out actual underage pornography. I have intentionally searched for and masturbated to actual child pornography. I have never actually said that sentence to anyone, despite the fact that I was eventually caught and charged with possession of this shit. I only got into this stuff for a few weeks, but I fucking hate that I participated in it at all. A lot of it was just videos of young girls solo on webcams, but there were a few times I sought out, watched, and masturbated to girls probably as young as ten participating in sex acts with older men, presumably their fathers. I cannot un-see these images; I want them ripped from my brain, and for these kids to have normal lives. I want their abusers jailed for life.
After these binge sessions the shame was so great I considered suicide. I would go on binge sessions on the dark web, looking at whatever I could for hours, only to be met with the worst shame you could possibly imagine when I was done. I would lay in bed for days afterwards, not eating or drinking. I remember the thing that finally woke me the fuck up was coming across a video where a young girl was on camera and started to cry and looked at someone off screen and said "dad, can't we just play with legos?". WHAT THE FUCK. I have tears in my eyes just remembering this. How could anyone actually do something like this to a child? This is a real person.
Right then and there I broke down completely and sobbed my fucking eyes out. I felt completely out of control with my own actions, and though the thought of abusing a child disgusts me to my core, by watching this stuff I was supporting it. I don't want to fuck kids or young teens, so why am I watching this stuff? A few years prior to this I would have never considered looking at this stuff...what the fuck was happening to me? How do you even get help for this stuff? If I tell someone I'm looking at this shit they'll just lock me up. Instead of talking to anyone about what was going on in my own head, I moved 2,000 miles away from my home town to a town I had never visited before. I didn't even have a job lined up. Literally I hit rock bottom, panicked that the only solution was to fundamentally change my life, looked up the "happiest and healthiest town in America", and moved to #1. I'm now in my mid-twenties.
4. Moving away from home. Peace. Happiness. Misery. Police.
Initially, moving away from home did "the trick". I could actually call myself truly "happy" for the first time I think really ever, and I was healthy to boot. The possibilities in my life seemed absolutely without limit. I started working out and doing a bunch of stuff outside (rode my bike everywhere cause I didn't have a car). It was a mountainous town and I got involved in climbing, skiing, and everything else I could. I felt "clear" for the first time in decades, and my porn use pretty stopped almost completely. But I never dealt with the actual problem (and still haven't), and everything came back eventually.
I met a girl in the apartment complex one street over who I quickly fell head over heels for. We started hooking up, but it became apparent we wanted different things (I wanted commitment, she didn't), and I drove myself crazy over the next two years pining after her. I'd ask her to make things official, she'd run off, I'd date someone else, she'd get upset and sleep with me and tell me she loved me, then she'd start sleeping with someone else. We were in the same friend group, and she refused to let anyone know that we were intimate with each other. Eventually I just ended up feeling like a shameful secret. We were basically best friends who spent all our time together, and sometimes slept together. The story is long, and I think I'm at fault as much for not giving her space as she is for constantly vacillating between "loving" me and sleeping with other guys. Nothing was ever malicious on her end, but I think we were both a bit fucked up in our own ways, and eventually I found myself in a serious emotional decline. I felt hopeless and worthless; previously I had been filled with a newfound massive confidence, but now found myself just wanting to feel wanted. Before all the shit hit the fan I found myself sometimes calling her dozens of times in a night because I knew she was over some guys house. I drove around town looking for her car in front of dudes houses. I literally felt like I had lost my mind. During these times I had the same voice in the back of my head saying "uhhh, dude? this is fucked up and you need to stop".
Since moving to this city I had landed a great job with a company where I was well-liked and respected. I had tons of friends, and was like a goddamn social butterfly; I was always somewhere doing something with good people. I was so happy in almost every aspect of my life. I had been such a "scared" person my entire life, the fact that I was able to move here and succeed filled me with a confidence I had never experienced. If I could have just gotten my head out of my ass and focused on how amazing my life actually had become, I'd probably still be in this town.
But instead I dug myself into an emotional grave because the girl I wanted didn't want me in the same way, and I couldn't cope, or something. I had several other really fantastic women I was seeing on and off, ones who really liked me for me and would have been up for actual relationships, but they weren't her. In a very short period of time, towards the end of the two years of living in this new town, I got right back into the type of porn I ran away from. I started posting on Craigslist in multiple sections with both fake ads and real ads. I went from 0 to 1,000 with everything in the span of probably six months. I gave two more guys blowjobs, and once again fucking hated every second of both experience. I got right back into non-nude jailbait, and towards the end found myself on the dark web once again seeking illegal porn.
During this time I had posted several ads on Craigslist looking for actual women to sleep with, or really even just talk to; I just wanted to feel wanted. I never posted any ads actually looking for an underage girl, but one responded claiming to be 13, and against ever fiber of my being, I responded. We talked over the span of about five days, email and then through text. She complained about how all the girls at school made fun of her and she didn't have many friends and just wanted someone to talk to about "stuff". I seemed "cool" and "interesting" and she said she liked talking to me. We eventually talked about sexual things (this in itself is a felony), but fortunately no pictures were exchanged. Eventually the topic of meeting each other was brought up. I vacillated between thinking this was some old greasy dude in his basement, and thinking that I was actually talking to a young girl. This doubt gave me permission in my own head to talk to this girl. But also my own head was telling me "DUDE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, STOP THIS." The thought of sexually talking to a 13 year old girl excited me, and I need to be honest about this. The idea of meeting up excited me as well. "She" tried to get me to meet her, but I did not make any attempt, and never actually set anything up. The rational voice in my head won out, and I stopped talking to her.
Right before I stopped talking to her I found myself driving down a long beautiful mountain road after work and Norah Jones's "Come Away With Me" came on the radio. It was so beautiful. All of a sudden it really hit me how fucking stupid I was in talking to this girl, but also how long I had been struggling with doing things I didn't want to do for so long, and how I just didn't know how to escape it. I pulled over to the side of the road and bawled my fucking eyes out. "Is this how you're going to find happiness, dude?" I just wanted to find someone to love and to love me back, to be in a healthy relationship for the first time, to feel "clean" and wholesome and proud of my actions and decisions. I didn't want any of this stupid shit I was now suddenly back into.
A week or so after I stopped communicating with this girl, five detectives woke me up at 6am banging on the door of my apartment. I was not under arrest, but they took all of my electronics and informed me that I had actually been talking to them, not to a 13 year old girl. I thought the life I knew was over (I was right), so that night I held a kitchen knife up to my arm. I thought of my parents and just couldn't go through with it. I've never seriously thought about anything like this since that moment.
I didn't hear from the police for about four months. I told my parents what had happened the day after the cops showed up, and how I had been struggling with pornography addiction my entire life, and it felt good to be "honest" (really I didn't tell them half the shit I had issues with, but even halfway felt great). I got a lawyer and just sat around for a few months waiting to be arrested, sitting with the severe anxiety of not knowing if or when my life is going to be totally destroyed by committing a sex offense.
5. Arrest. Conviction. A promise to myself.
They arrested me outside my home in broad daylight, two plainclothes officers driving an old shitty Honda Civic. If they had just told me to come to the station I would have turned myself in, but they got all theatrical with it, and called me and made up some story about how they were from my old apartment complex and wanted to drop off my security deposit at my house. To this day whenever I hear a car door shut outside my house, or see an unknown car park nearby, or even dudes in public who look like undercover cops, I immediately get a severe rush of anxiety in the fear that I'm about to be arrested again. I'll go from totally relaxed to severe paranoid paralyzing anxiety in a microsecond, heart beating out of my damn chest.
My arrest should have been a small blip in the news, but because of some other factors it would take too long to go into, I ended up on the front page of every paper and TV station in the state. Sitting in jail, I didn't know this until the next day. I remember sitting in the bond hearing court room, just staring at the line of media photographers in the audience with all their telephoto lenses, capturing my face to put it in the papers underneath words like "predator", "pedophile", and "sex offender"....and they did. My lawyer came in and just said some shit like "yeah, sorry dude, you are everywhere". It's a very unique feeling knowing that from this point forward, absolutely everything in your life will be different. Every relationship you have will be affected. Nothing will ever be the same.
I vowed right then and there to never give up no matter how tough the road ahead gets. I'm going to live a life I can be proud of; this will be my success story. Maybe I'll write a book about it, but it would be pointless without an ending I could be proud of and honest about. I will be the guy who, against all odds, moves beyond a criminal sex offense, and has people who love and trust him, and who can eventually look back and say "look at what I achieved". I've made great strides toward this life, and have worked my ass off to get where I am now, but the the mental issues which led to my eventual imprisonment are still inside my head, and I finally need to admit that I need serious help.
6. Finding happiness while everything around me is on fire.
My parents bonded me out the next day. Though my boss tried his best to keep me, the widespread news of my arrest and the fact that we were one of the most respected (and well known) general contractors in the area meant I lost my job. I was friends with over a dozen guys I worked with, always drinking some beers behind the workshop after a day of hard work. I was there fore over a year, building relationships, and I had started going out to bars and going over the bosses houses for family dinners. Save for the three main guys, I never saw any of them again. Lots of friends stuck by me, but the town was ruined.
I fought the case for almost a year. What started out as my lawyer being confident that I would just get a few years probation turned into me pleading guilty to internet solicitation of a minor and possession of child pornography. I had I think like seven nude images of girls who were under 18 on my computer, and one video. My lawyer dropped the ball several times when communicating / meeting deadlines with the district attorney, and the situation became way worse than it should have been. Under my lawyers advisement I signed a plea deal which meant there was no question I would get a prison sentence between 2 and 8 years. I did commit crimes and it is my opinion that I did deserve punishment. I mean, from the outside, I can see how I looked like a run-of-the-mill child predator. However, spending a few years in prison is probably the least helpful thing for someone in my situation, in my opinion.
While I was home fighting my case I was filled with a sort of "I have nothing to lose" confidence, and started taking any girl who would accept out on dates. I thought my friends sister was cute, so I asked her out. It took a good number of tries, but she eventually agreed to let me take her to dinner. We had a really great time. After a couple dates I was honest about the legal situation I was in, as well as my mental struggles. She was a bit shocked of course, but she had known me for a long time. She stuck around, and we had the most beautiful summer together before I had to fly 2,000 miles away to serve an unknown amount of prison time. She, as well as my parents, sisters, and friends flew out with me to the sentencing hearing. My girlfriend and I told each other "I love you" for the first time the night before the hearing.
We're still together, and she's been by my side through everything the past five years. I've never met someone who was so easy to be around. How I could ever get so lucky, I will never know.
7. Prison. Gangs. Solitary confinement. Making the most of it.
I was sentenced to four years in a medium security state penitentiary. The gangs pretty much run the prisons in this state, and you'll get immediately extorted by the gang which coincides with your skin color if they find out you're a sex offender. I stayed under the radar for a few weeks, but some gangs save newspaper clippings with sex offenders photos, and I got found out. They threatened to kill me, so I told the guards I was in danger; they agreed. I spent a month and a half in solitary confinement for my own protection. This was "the hole", a cell with no window to the outside where they never turn the lights off). I was eventually transferred to a different facility which was much safer, though one sex offender was murdered during my stay there. Prison could be a book in itself, but most of it was just groundhog day. It would be best described as long periods of mind-numbing boredom interspersed with occasional moments of sheer fucking terror. I was extremely fortunate to talk to my girlfriend every single day on the phone, as well as very regularly my parents, relatives, and friends. I had a ridiculous number of visitors, despite being a 2,000 mile flight and hours long drive through the desert away from everyone I cared about.
I had started taking mindfulness meditation classes after the initial search warrant was served. This habit continued into prison, and most of my month and a half in the hole was spent meditating. Solitary confinement can be maddening; you could occasionally hear guys screaming or crying in other ~60 cells in the solitary cell block. But honestly I've never been more at peace than how I was during those 45 days. I remember my girlfriend told me over the phone that she had heard that my ex girlfriend (long term one from when I was ~19) was going around telling people the news that I was a child molester. At first I felt panicked, because this firestorm of people I went to high school with "finding out" about me was totally out of my control. But then I came to the realization that that's pretty much how life always is, even if you're not a convicted sex offender sitting in the hole because the Aryan Empire wants to kill you. You could just be a dude minding his business, and then bam, you get run over by a bus. I can't control what people think of me, or the things they say, and that's ok. But I should be able to control which thoughts I turn into actions, and meditation helped me greatly in this.
At this new facility I eventually petitioned the warden to allow me to start a weekly meditation group. He allowed it, and they gave me a quiet classroom behind the library to use for two hours every Wednesday night. It started out with pretty much just me alone, maybe one other person occasionally. Within a few months I had about a dozen regular members. Everyone from sex offenders, to men who had murdered their wives and didn't quite know why, to ex gang members. Twice we had meditation instructors come from the outside to teach for a day. We meditated and discussed how to find peace in a place as abrasive as prison. I taught these men that their thoughts do not need to dictate their actions, and that they have control over their own mind, not the other way around. Focus on the breath, observe your own thoughts coming in and observe them going out. At this point my mind felt healthier than ever had before; I could "see" the thoughts which entered my head and choose to either pursue them or just send them on their way. Through daily practice (I meditated every morning and night) I was becoming a master of my own mind, but now I seem to have lost it all. I can't even bring myself to sit on my mediation cushion; I feel like someone is physically preventing me from meditating. I based almost my entire practice around a fantastic book called "Turning the Mind into an Ally" by Sakyong Mipham. Right after I got out of prison I heard that there were recent multiple credible sexual assault allegations against him. This destroyed me a little bit. Is anyone actually righteous?
I called the prison a few months ago. The meditation group has more members than ever.
8. I shall be released (but with an ankle bracelet).
I was paroled at my first parole hearing. Overall I spent about twenty months in prison, out of a possible 48. This didn't just happen; I have never worked so hard at anything. I participated in every prison program I could. I worked 40+ hours a week as a maintenance technician at the facility, as this is my area of expertise. I was well known and liked by dozens of guards, probably partly because I never caused a single issue. I was in three bands, and after I played a live show for the entire ~1,000 inmate population the gangs left me alone because they liked hearing me play guitar (pretty much the only thing I've stuck with for the last 15 years). I volunteered to give a ten minute graduation speech to a couple hundred inmates in a certain program. At this time, public speaking was at the top of my list of fears. I took every single opportunity presented to me an capitalized on it. Not just because I wanted to be released, but because I felt compelled to. No more being scared. No more fucking around. I am ready to lead a life I can be proud of, and it starts now, not when I'm released from behind bars.
Thankfully I was allowed to parole to my home state. I moved in with my girlfriend (and her mom), and we started looking for places to rent together, finding one in about a month. My parole office was amazing, and when I was eventually released from parole, after about a year and a half, we shared a good number of beers together. I can't tell you quite how good it feels to cut a heavy cigarette-pack sized ankle bracelet off after wearing it for 18 months straight. This was almost a year and a half ago now.
It was finally done. I was no longer a number in the Department of Corrections. I was free, free to build a beautiful life with my beautiful girlfriend. And I never watched porn again. Fairy tale ending.
9. P.S. - Nothing has really changed.
I started looking at porn probably two days after I got home. I tried REALLY fucking hard not to, but it just happened like I was on autopilot. It started with just me giving myself the excuse I could jerk off to some scantily clad anime girls, then moved to ecchi ("I mean, whatever, it's just nipples dude"), and then to hentai. In my head I'm screaming at myself, "DUDE STOP, GO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR ACTUAL HORNY GIRLFRIEND", while I'm loading up Pornhub in the bathroom. I was not allowed to look at porn while on parole, but they did not actually monitor anything or ever actually check my devices. I was allowed a smart phone and essentially unrestricted internet access. I passed all my drug tests, passed my polygraphs, and presented no actual problems to the parole office, so I pretty much totally fell off their radar. I had to take state-sponsored sex offender therapy, but if I had admitted to looking at porn they would've just sent me back to prison because it was a parole violation. So much for getting help with your biggest problem.
I tried to stop, dozens of times. At most I could go about two weeks without looking at porn, which is pretty much a world record for me. But whenever I abstain for a long period, something will inevitably stress me out, and I'll dive back into the sexual compulsion. Soon, I got right back on Omegle, and found a new thing to search for: phone sex. In the past eighteen months I've probably have phone sex with at least three dozen women. In my mind, and I'm sure in the mind of my girlfriend, this is cheating, plain and simple. Again, what the fuck dude.
But I'm not thinking of this when we're together. I'm just being me, and enjoying her. There's no present thought in my mind going "hey I feel really guilty about having phone sex with girls right before you get home from work". I love her, and I love spending time with her, and none of the shameful shit I am involved in even enters my mind when we are together. Though occasionally during sex I'll get hit with a wave of shame and I'll lose my erection and can't get it back up. "I'm just really tired", I say. Ugh.
Probably 6 months ago I started looking non-nude jailbait photography again. It always happens the same - I tell myself, "ok you're horny so just jerk off for ten minutes to some vanilla stuff so you can think clearly and after that you're gonna get a bunch of shit done". Two hours later I've still got my hand on my dick, I'm all flushed and sweaty, and I'm looking at jailbait pictures while I'm screaming at myself inside my own head...
"Stop. Please stop. Dude you know you don't want to be doing this. Is this going to be the last time? If you need to finish just do it but make this the last time. You can still stop. Go take a cold shower and just stop. Please. You know this isn't what you want. Please stop".
I just burst into fucking tears typing that because I've gone through that loop in my own head literally tens of thousands of times. I just cannot stop myself. There is nothing I want more in this world than to stop all of this.
It just keeps happening, no matter how many strategies I use to stop, I always find an excuse.
"Just do it this once but then never again."
"Ok fine, jerk off to some legal jailbait stuff, but make it quick, no endless scrolling."
"Well you're a freak anyways, everyone thinks you're a pedo, so fuck it, prove em right. You know you can't stop so just embrace it and enjoy it. Let's find the kinkiest shit possible."
And when I DO abstain for a long period, when I eventually relapse it's just 1000x worse. I'll end up doing like an eight hour binge and missing an entire day of work.
And it's getting worse. I'll talk to girls and guys over the phone via Omegle, and I've started asking guys to roleplay a dad/daughter or brothelittle sister fantasy with me. I ask if they want to roleplay that we're dads and have "hot" stories to tell about our young daughters. I get turned on thinking about talking about something this kinky, but I end up hanging up every time within like a minute. Like literally I've never even gotten close to "finishing" on one of these calls. Probably done this like 15 times in the past 6 months. The other guy starts going into his fantasy story and it hits me how fucked up this is and I hang up. I don't want to fuck kids...this is not a thing that is on my mind, ever. I do not go to the beach and think "hell yeah look at all this ripe young ass". Almost all of my friends have young children and I've never once thought of doing anything with them. In fact I pretty much avoid children, because I now project what I think other people think of me onto myself.
When I ask these guys on Omegle to roleplay occaisonally one will ask if I'm "active", aka actually molesting a child, and it makes me want to throw up thinking someone would want to hear about actual abuse. When I read a news story about someone actually raping a kid my face curls up in disgust, which I feel like is pretty much the "normal" reaction. Weigh that against the fact that a couple times in prison I got horny and started writing a few sex stories involving young teens. I never finished any of these stories, and shredded and threw them out halfway through writing all of them. Again, what the fuck.
I'm just waiting for the FBI to show up at my house. Isn't asking guys on Omegle, "would you be into a fantasy where we roleplay as two dads telling hot stories about our daughters?" a huge red flag? But I always tell them, "this is 100% fantasy, and I do not want to hear about anything real. I do not want to receive pictures or participate in anything actually illegal." If they say they have real stories I leave the chat / hang up immediately. Even though I'm not doing anything illegal, whenever I hear a car door shut from a neighbor, my heart races and I have to get up from my desk to check if it's the cops.
I also sometimes ask the phone sex girls on Omegle to ageplay as a young teens for me, and pretty much all of them have been happy to. Like 15, 14, 13 years old, whatever they're comfortable with. Why do I want this? Why is there such a disconnect between what I find disgusting in real life and what I "want" to fantasize about? If I could pay someone my entire life savings to remove the part of my brain that harbors this desire to fantasize about the idea of sex with young girls, I wouldn't hesitate for a second. I do not and have not talked with anyone on Omegle or on the phone who says that they are actually under 18; at least prison taught me the lesson to never talk to an actual young person ever again. Maybe in some peoples opinions the ageplay thing is acceptable and nothing to be ashamed about, but I do not want it as a kink of mine. It brings me serious, crushing shame for days after I participate in it.
Shame really seems to be a constant theme of my sexuality throughout the years. Even after normal sex I feel a bit of shame. I've always had serious shame amount my body, especially my genitals, but even with just taking off my shirt. My parents were always open to talk about sex, and to my memory never did anything to instill shame in me when it came to sex. But stepping back it almost looks like the things that I find the most shameful are the things I'm most likely to seek out.
Post too long, last two chapters have been posted in a comment.
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2020.06.13 19:02 picidrazs Just a woman here who has been in relationships with men addicted to porn, trying to understand how this works

Hi guys ☺️
First of all, congrats to all of you for working on yourselves regardless of what stage you’re at!
I would like to get some advice as a woman who has been affected by porn a fair bit. I’ve had two big relationships in my life: one that lasted about 5 years from my late teens to my early 20s and another one for a year, recently in my late 20s. Both of them watched porn on a regular basis, but had a lower sex drive. With my teenage love it was more of an occasional thing and he genuinely didn’t have the same level of sexual appetite as I did, so we were conflicted a bit on this as a couple. I was also a little bit insecure about my body, just because back then really skinny girls were in fashion and I have some nice curves, but not overweight at all. I like my body now, but all the campaigns about healthy body image helped a lot. With my second relationship recently there was a more serious addiction, that didn’t stop at porn but involved some substances too and while our chemistry was amazing, porn was just everywhere. I was never looking through his stuff, but obviously we used each other’s devices sometimes and whatever I was trying to type in, porn was always the first thing to pop up. I’ve only seen his browsing history once when he stayed logged in on my laptop and the night before I caught him secretly doing coke and disappearing in the bathroom for a long time while I was sleeping. Turned out he was watching live webcams and porn for an hour or two. After that I became paranoid that he’s cheating on me and my sexual confidence took a very serious hit. I tried talking about this with him while we were together, but he wasn’t really open to an honest conversation.
He’s a good guy and I’m still not sure if this has escalated to a physical level, but instead of being angry or forever insecure I would really like to understand how this works and find peace. Can you separate yourself from your relationships? Does porn addiction mean that you’re less interested in your partner or don’t find her enough? Is it a commitment issue?
I have a lot of questions, haha. Thank you so much for your help in advance and again, keep up the good work.
Blessings!
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