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2020.09.06 23:59 puptrubl Day 2: Porn, poly, and the meaning of life
I'm 38 years old and I'm married to a great guy who I"m attracted to and who is ready and willing to have sex with me way more often than I show interest in him. We recently met a fantastic guy and started dating him. This is bloody fucking fantastic cuz he's hella hot and fun in bed and yet something feels broken in me. I want to be present for my partners and sexually available and I know its porn. It's always been porn. Since I was in my early 20s. I've always been hard to get off without porn and I'm just sick of it. I want the happy life I've been working for and I'm drawing the line in the sand now. No more of this shit.
I deleted all of the apps that I use to act out sexually. Pictures are great but word porn is as bad for me. No more chatting. I love to get lost in the fantasy. In the attainable just as much as the unattainable, and in things that are kinky, forbidden, or even off limits in polite society. Whatever it is, it's all just a distraction. It's a way for me to run from me. I woke up this morning and found the amateur porn I've been hoarding for a rainy day or some shit. It's gone now.
I think I've been rock bottom a few times. Or maybe I've been rock bottom for a long time. I don't know. I can usually bounce my addiction around from porn to sex, to food, to porn, to sex but less and less to sex especially since COVID has kept things socially distant. Things started to get really bad for me at the beginning of the year. It was the last semester of my Master degree and I found myself alone in the living room 5 days a week in the morning and I'm edging for 3 hours. Like I couldn't not do it and sometimes I hate myself for knowing that when I get this into porn and webcams that I lose interest in everything. I hate myself for not feeling a sexual interest in my husband or our boyfriend and then I go to this dark place where I'm afraid that maybe I'll just stop being interested in people in general and that having a normal sex life will be impossible or I'll have to fantasize about my porn just go get off with the people I love. I haven't even been able to get through a workday now without doing something to get a sexual rush while I'm there.
For me, wanking is just one piece of the puzzle that is my obsessive and compulsive behaviours. It is the drive that I have to consume more sexual media and sexual energy from other people. Kinky conversations with people. Always with new people. I have never had enough people.
My drive to be a voyeur is super destructive. Sometimes it's about fapping to get off and other times it's just about cheap thrills and simply about 'More'. More sexy conversations, more validation, more adrenalin. I dunno. At the end of the day it effects everything from my personal and intimate relationships to even my work-life/productivity.
So this is just a little bit of my story and I thank you for reading if you did. I have hope that I can achieve my goals and find the meaning in relationships that I crave. Just laying it all out there so that maybe someone might hear something in my story and relate it to a piece of themself.
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Since I'm not sure if Jared will convert the Q&A part of his birthday Twitch stream (https://www.twitch.tv/videos/724287532) into a YouTube video, I thought it might be worth transcribing his answers for the sake of posterity. I also included a few random answers he had given outside the Q&A, but I'm not about to go over all 16hrs of footage to write them all down (feel free to add any good ones I missed, though). Also to save time, I'm not going to include the Twitch handles asking the questions, but you can easily go back and look over the Q&A section yourself to find them (time stamp from 7:31:16-8:32:20):
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While coronavirus has disrupted and scrambled most of the industry, including the porn industry, there is an industry that experienced a reverse effect and instead, witnessed a boom in business. Yes! We are talking about the camming industry. Camming industry- a significant segment of the adult industry, has indeed seen a major cashing in across the world during the quarantine.
The COVID-19 pandemic has pretty much redefined the way we interact, we meet, and we experience sex and intimacy. As our lives moved online amidst lockdown, sexy Asian cam girls witnessed a significant surge in demand for digital sex work.
During the lockdown, people have found new ways to satisfy their sexual hunger. Some have moved to the dating apps while some are filling the long evenings at home gawking and interacting with beautiful naked Asian girls who stream adult content live from their studio-cum-living room. Most of the Asian cam girls experience the same efflux in business during this period.
Many factors played a significant role behind this sudden traffic surge in the camming industry. Such as A) People were Homestuck B) Camming is safe C) People choose this medium to satisfy sexual hunger. D) People choose this platform to combat loneliness. E) Camming is relatively cheap F) A new kind of experience. We will understand each of these factors in detail.
6 Reasons Behind Traffic Surge in the Camming Industry During Quarantine A) People Were Homestuck The most common reason behind the sudden surge in the Asian cam girls traffic was people were Homestuck during the lockdown. Having sex like earlier was not possible. Meeting your partner or meeting a sex worker was off-limits.
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2020.09.02 11:31 Reisno Sexy new webcam
tl:dr: I'm trying to find ways to emotionally move on from a confusing online, unrequited love situation that I ended up in for 18 months while I was poly dating online. I don't look any one up and I am no longer poly dating, I meditate on this and write it out, but I struggle with this still. I am trying to navigate it while juggling everything else in my life. I'm thick skinned, so even blunt advice will be appreciated.
Where to start with this, I walked away from an online friendship thing back in April, honestly now I am not entirely sure what it was.
Back when my partner and I were still poly dating, we tried out polyamory to try to create a sense of family we didn't get to have. We are not having kids and we tried to find similar people to us to create a community with. We've since abandoned polyamory.
I was deeply traumatized on Thanksgiving and I met this person around that time back in 2018. He was loving and kind to me, at least that is what it felt like. I told him I was poly and he seemed willing to work with that at first. He talked about how he admired what I had accomplished, how beautiful I was.
I admired him too, he taught himself many things and it was lovely to hear about those interests. I wanted to learn from him, to hear about his perspective and values in life. He and I were both diagnosed with aspergers and it gave me a sense of belonging and acceptance to chat with him.
It was a short time, a couple of weeks, before he dropped the news on me quite abruptly that he found someone else to date. That would be his first girlfriend.
There was not much warning, he didn't give me much of a heads up, it went from me being the only romantic interest of his to him having a girlfriend the next day, I didn't even know he was seeing anyone else.
I almost blocked him then and there for that, but he convinced me that he wanted to stay my friend. I was in a lot of pain during the holidays then and losing that kind of connection with him hurt pretty badly, I cried for 10 hours over this loss at the time. Had this happened in January I would have been able to take the blow much better but he didn't really understand the things I had been through.
But then he showed me their photos, he talked about his time with her and he looked so happy. There they both were, smiling around christmas lights. I wanted to see him smile like that. He told me that I had a big heart for taking that, he said his girlfriend was sorry for making me cry.
He said they both had hard lives, I wanted to understand what that meant. I grew up poor, around abused kids and it was very chaotic. They were both affluent, his first car likely costed more than triple the value of the busted trailer that I grew up in for 20 years.
However, I wanted to understand their hardships, their strife, and to learn from that, to be a friend and ally in that.
He said that I was the first girl to accept him, this was confusing. I saw him as beautiful, even from the first photo he sent me, he was like a work of art to me. He inspired me.
It warmed me up to see him smile, in that moment he drew hard lines and I respected that. However, a month in he started dropping large sums of money on her, like thousands of dollars, and he was sounding frustrated with things.
Even crack addicts that I grew up around didn't blow money that fast, so I was genuinely worried about him being taken advantage of like before. He talked of how women mistreated him in the past and he looked so sad, I empathized and wanted to make sure that he was loved and looked out for, so I stayed his friend. Plus I was a bit glad that I was friendzoned so I could see what being pure friends would be like for us.
I deeply cared about him for spending that holiday with me, but a little beyond that month he started to kind of flirt with me again, saying that his girlfriend was ok with it "as long as it was porn".
At the time I was ok with this ambiguity. I was happy to have some level of that romance with him back. I wrote my words to him, what I felt for him, he swooned, at least in text. At that time I was happy for the opportunity to show him what he meant to me, at least in words. My issues were worse then, with his hectic schedule and my limitations, my writing was all I really had to work with to convey this to him.
Each month he started to get more scarce with his career, at least that is the story I got. Each month I waited to spend time with him, even just an hour a month on webcam would have been sufficient. All I wanted was just an hour a month with him on webcam with us drinking tea and coffee together, sharing our life experiences. He was scarce but still pleasant, it still seemed like he valued being my friend but was just busy with his work. Because of his work schedule and having his first girlfriend, I was very patient.
But then my partner and I had lost half of our passive income in April of 2019, this was devastating for us but an important turning point. We ate only soups for months. With this loss of income, I struggled to stay stable, we both did.
We had already been through so much for so many years, things were finally looking up and we lost half of that passive income, it was a major blow. Right around the same time, my mother reached out to me for the first time in some years, this only added to the stress. I wrote her and the rest of my relatives that I left behind in 2013 a 5000 word letter in a password protected PDF so she and the rest of them couldn't edit it. Then we blocked her, she tried to contact me through my partner's facebook. I no longer have a facebook because of her and the rest of the craziness.
I don't really have support other than my partner and I didn't know how to use reddit that well back then, I am stretched pretty thin with trying to learn my partner's native language (we live in his country), taking care of my partner (he has documented disabilities here), planning/creating online courses/content with my partner on a microscopic budget with just the two of us, learning 3D modeling and other digital art skills, and coping with my flashbacks/nightmares/sleep deprivation/fatigue, you know, that grind.
This friend was comforting. I felt ashamed for dumping so much writing onto him when he had so much to handle on his end too, but I couldn't help it, I needed a friend, I needed that sense of family that I felt with him on that Thanksgiving day back in 2018.
I never wanted financial assistance or any sort of money from him, I'm weird like that. I don't like people spending money on me, he said once that he liked that about me, that I wasn't after his money like the other women who mistreated him. Being given gifts, especially expensive gifts, scares the shit out of me because of the things I've been through. I don't even like being around expensive things, especially if they are fragile/breakable. I suppose this is how deeply I've internalized poverty.
I wanted to show this friend that I was more than what I came from, to demonstrate that what I felt for him, the love I had for him, didn't have a price tag, that he didn't need to pay money to have someone worthwhile love him. I wanted to show him that and I accomplished that goal.
Every time I wrote to him, it conjured our few moments together. I deeply treasured those moments. There were days where I wrote to him romance/erotica, days where I wrote of my own disabilities but how I was pushing through despite it, days where I lost lucidity and destabilized (this is a side effect of the pills I was thrown on as well as a trauma and stress).
I shared my life with him as if I had that hour a month on webcam with him, as if he was there with me through it all.
I struggle with mental health issues but I never lashed out at him, I work to improve them and it takes years to fix issues like this. I even told him that if it was all too much and if he couldn't handle being my friend because of it, that would be ok. I gave him many outs.
I wrote over a 100,000 words to him to keep my sanity in check while I pushed through weightloss and other tasks to stabilize my life and to take care of my partner in 2019. He didn't tell me to stop, but he got even scarcer. Every so often he kind of covertly encouraged the sexy stories, this fueled my hope. He has a hectic work schedule and communicated this much, I trusted that this was the reason for his habitual scarcity.
Then came July, when my partner looked up his reddit and saw he had ads to flirt with other people with his girlfriend. This friend told me he was dying on discord that same month. I was afraid of him dying, I took his word for it, I sobbed for months over the possibility of him dying. Sure it stung that they were doing poly stuff and I was cut out of that completely, but I would have preferred him lying to me about him dying than him actually on his death bed. It hurt that they were doing poly things without me while he kind of judged me for being poly, but what hurt worse was the relentless funeral flashes I had of him for 2 months straight afterwards.
Intrusive, relentless, and vivid images of him in a casket flooded my mind and made me buckle over in pain every single fucking day for 2 months.
I waited for a couple of months on edge, seeing this friend's funeral play over and over in my mind, this eroded my stability even more, him struggling and me being unable to do anything about it. It was horrible. All I had was his texts, this friend's word. It had occurred to me then that if this friend ever died, I don't even matter enough to be notified of that. That was a sickening, haunting feeling.
I drowned that feeling to stay his friend as best as I could, he started to pull through it in August/September, all of this in text, scarce text.
October rolled around, I wanted to just see this friend for my birthday on webcam, not even for anything sexual, I just wanted to see him alive and well, even for just 10-15 minutes. I saw his funeral play over and over in my mind for months, I just needed to see his smile to ease those flashes.
He wished me happy birthday in passing four days later, his career was coming apart and Thanksgiving was around the corner. I knew that I'd destabilize over the holidays and I didn't want to dump that on him during his struggle and also I knew that he'd likely introduce his girlfriend to his family for the first time.
That, that had cut me in a particular way, going from having that Thanksgiving back in 2018 to being completely amputated out of his life by Thanksgiving of 2019. I left for two months so I wouldn't have to feel the full force of that reality and to work on patching myself up. I blocked him on discord so I wouldn't blow up his messages but I did leave a message explaining myself and an email if he needed to reach out to me, if he needed a friend.
He didn't even wish me happy Thanksgiving.
Randomly, literally randomly, I stumbled onto a post on reddit that had "success story" posted on it, I hadn't seen that before, it was odd so I read it. The details were very familiar, I pieced together that this was his girlfriend writing about their relationship. She seemed to really care about him, that made me smile. I cried, but I was happy for him, truly.
I wasn't sure if he had gotten my discord message when I blocked him, so that late December I messaged him on reddit if he wanted to be my friend, if I was someone worth knowing to him, that I unblocked him on discord. He friend requested me on discord the same day, it was surprisingly prompt.
I was still unstable from the holidays so I kept my words a bit scarce till January. He told me that he was no longer something I could have. I didn't know what to make of this, this confused me.
I sent a photo one day and my shirt was loose, he thought I did that on purpose but it was loose because I had lost 70lbs in 2019 and my clothes were huge. This kicked off more intense flirtation.
I was becoming more emotionally messed up over him, at that point I was sending any sort of sexy photos if it just meant that I could hear from him and know he was alive. He is at risk with covid with his lungs and he didn't slow down after almost dying in July, this fucked me up on a lot of levels. I was sending nude photos to try to incentivize him, to practically beg him, to take better care of himself and to just see him.
I even reminded him to take his inhaler, he had acquired asthma and a number of allergies in 2019, and because he didn't take that inhaler for 2 months straight (while I was reminding him) he got sick and almost died in July. This only added to the horror for me. I tried to help him and I was dismissed, likely ignored.
He started sending photos to me for the first time since he started dating her. He said he loved my writing for the first time, he talked of how beautiful I looked these days, like I looked like a different person. He talked of my unusual skin color, how it was pale (implying that I looked better with pale skin, this rubbed me wrong but I let it slide then). He was treating me like I was a different person, this felt sickening.
At first sending him sexy things of myself felt amazing, and then it started to feel disgusting. It felt like I was paying for his time, his very scarce time, with my nudes. I was paying for his time to interact with me just so I could see he was alive. This level of desperation was becoming depressing and awful.
I asked about his girlfriend and he was very, very dodgy about that. This rubbed me wrong too. I wanted to meet her, to thank her for being what I couldn't for him. She had doctor friends that helped him when he got sick in July. She had stable career, I couldn't earn this with the family and circumstances I was granted despite my best efforts.
I was a scholarship student with a duel major and a 3.89/4.0 once, but my own upbringing and mental illnesses, along with getting abused by the mental health systems that I turned to in order to help myself, ripped that from underneath of me. I ended up homeless 2 years after graduation, I had to flee abroad to earn another chance at life.
Back then, I had one chance in life, one, and I got ill. I got punished for 10 years because I got ill, as an individual that comes from 4 generations of mental illness and abuse. She achieved the things that I couldn't because I came from poverty, mental illness, and abuse/dysfunction and I didn't have the community/social savvy/funds to earn better for myself.
It was like he chose an unbroken version of me, he even said that we were similar on a few occasions. I was almost given up for adoption at birth, it was like he chose the version of me that got adopted out to a loving family in Boston, the version of me that didn't go through the things that I went through. At the time, that felt pretty fucking awful, especially during the most painful time of year for me.
It felt fucking awful to feel like I got acceptance and even respect from someone I admired one minute to being tossed aside for a better model the next.
I understood and forgave that, I wanted to hug her for being there for him. I loved her for loving him in my place, even though I never met her. She achieved my dreams of becoming fluent in Japanese and living/working in Japan, she achieved the things I couldn't in this lifetime, the things that were once my dreams and ambitions, the things I was fully capable of earning for myself if I wasn't dragged down over and over again, the things I was forced to let go of to retain what sanity I had left to push forward.
At first I resented that life didn't break her like it broke me, sometimes that resentment bubbles up, but overall, even though he paid tens of thousands of dollars to date her basically, she seems to be sticking by him and I appreciate that.
Mid-April was the last straw for me. I gave the most I could give, and the trajectory of our dynamic disgusted me. I was getting nothing out of it besides a slow boiling sense of rage. I walked away then and didn't reach out to him again. In May I looked her up, and I saw that they were engaged.
He didn't tell me that he was engaged, they were engaged for months and he didn't tell me. He dodged the fact that he was getting engaged as he was flirting more with me. I felt so disgusting for sending an engaged man, a man engaged in a monogamous marriage, my nude photos. I got too desperate for that fleeting sense of family I had with him, I chased him online for 18 months for a day I'd never have with him again, he was never truly forthcoming about this, I was just getting dismissed and muted.
Until I got hot enough to notice again.
I suspect he tried to kind of contact me on a burner account, I had gotten a weird message on a particular post, I had posted my romance writings that I wrote only to him, it at first said that they loved my nudes and then it was promptly changed to something about loving my smile and there was a link to a male sex toy. The moderator deleted the comment but I tried to private massage the person before hand, they never responded. That account had no other activity on it than posting that comment and it was made the same day of the post. That account was deleted some weeks later.
Out of some mild paranoia, disgust, anger, resentment, I started writing so many angry posts to myself, not on public forums, about the both of them, then deleted them. This helped me move forward. In those writings, I gave myself permission to be livid and bitter, to say the shittiest things I could think to say about the both of them, it felt gratifying. They didn't need to read it, no one did, but it felt like a breath of fresh air. I have been too kind to too many people for too long for too little, those writings was the first time I gave myself permission to be a complete jerk.
I've been through far worse than this, far worse. This isn't even in the top worst 100 things I've had to cope with. I'm just in pain over trusting such a beautiful moment and then this is how it pans out. This has affected my overall trust in reaching out to new people, and that's fucked because I've only felt safe enough to reach out at all in the last 2 years or so. 4 years prior to that I was in full-hermit mode, even my online interactions were virtually non-existent. I had to survive to take care of my partner, those were very harsh days.
But this situation with this individual had a particular effect on me. He looked like my first love that I was addicted to for 15 years or so. I was addicted to that first love to cope with the abuse and dysfunction in my life while sustaining my high grades and over-achievements. I found myself repeating some of those same patterns with this online friend to cope with my current life and with my partner and myself being mentally ill/struggling all of the time.
That Thanksgiving day subconsciously felt like I got to share time with my first love again, like I got back something precious that I lost years ago. It was magical for me to feel like I had that back after so much pain and hurt for so long, and to feel like that could be part of my new life was an overwhelmingly beautiful sentiment. It was like my first love loved me back...And then I lost that in a blink of an eye without any warning during a painful/stressful time of year.
This time around I established healthier coping mechanisms along the way and that allowed me to walk away and let go of this pal for good. It hurts, it hurts so much, but a lot of that hurt is compounded by my own traumas and I've not looked either of them up since May.
I messaged her in May because there was one last thing that didn't sit well with me, she wrote about how all those women before mistreated him, I was completely edited out of his story. This pissed me off, but too, I wanted to thank her, I needed that closure, I earned that much.
Seeing their wedding stuff online, like the invites and menus, her dress, and thanking her for being there for him was the closest I would get to seeing him happy at his wedding with the love of his life. He wasn't acting like a guy that was about to marry his first love, this pissed me off too.
I hurt from this but staying would have been far worse for me. Has anyone else had this kind of experience? If so, how did you navigate it and how long approximately did it take for you to fully regroup from it?
Had I known I'd emotionally pay for this chase this much and that me loving him wouldn't matter to him at all in the long run, I would have blocked this individual when he started dating his now fiancee.
I don't regret the chase, I needed to see it through, I needed to see if how he was with me was real. If this heartache is the price to see it through, then that's alright. I've raged in so many letters to myself about this all, wrote some pretty harsh things. Not to either of them nor on any public post, just to myself. Not out of cowardice, but because I do care and I don't want to add crazy to their lives, but I need to do what helps me move forward.
It is better to see it through then to be wondering "what if". I hurt from this, but I am satisfied that there is no room for "what if" for me anymore. I used to envy her achievements a bit, but I learned of what I earned from my traumas and strife. I can catch up, in some years, only my hardships have hardened me and my will.
Her achievements, the things I could have accomplished in an alternative timeline, I no longer place that on a pedestal, I have been shattered, but I have evolved as a result too. This strength that I forged to achieve what I've achieved here, that is worth more to me than those ambitions now. I love who I am now more than who I could have been, the person I saw when I saw her photo, the version of me who was adopted out in Boston.
I am healing more everyday, but when I heal enough, I will be formidable, nothing will stop me from realizing my ambitions and living my values in this lifetime with my partner.
This hurts now, but like the rest of my wounds, it will heal in time. Writing this helped. Again if anyone went through something similar or if you have any thoughts to share, I'd greatly appreciate that.
How would something like this affect most people? What more can I do to help this heal?
submitted by Reisno to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
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submitted by IdolA1Sepl to u/IdolA1Sepl [link] [comments]
2020.08.27 08:30 D0ughnu4 Any advice for dealing with a narc coworker?
He's (40M) Mr Popular at work. I'm (32F) new and actually like my job. He's gaslighted me, ran a smear campaign behind my back unbeknownst to me for months whilst comforting me and telling me he'd shut down any rumours he heard about me. He told me he was a single dad, so I flirted with him openly at work (before realising he was a narc) but in reality he is married and told people at work I was "desperately trying to make him leave his wife and break his family up". Before I knew he was a narc he'd summon me into his office and tell me how sexy I am and how much he loves me. I wish I could record these conversations but mobile phones are banned at work so I can't secretly record him. The work computers do not have microphones nor webcams. I've blocked him on FB and now having his mates who are fellow co-workers message me, send me photos of him to try to get a reaction and ask me about him. I suspect he's getting them to do it.
I've started to document every interaction with him which is saved to my work computer. I've confided in some other women at work but the only one who was supportive of me got really triggered about it and was threatening to go confront him for me. There are cameras everywhere at work and I carry a duress alarm which automatically points the cameras to my location. I plan to press it if he corners me anywhere, (which he has done previously. He hasn't done anything physical just to get me alone to tell me how sexy I am) but this is risky as he will be notified of the duress press. He visits my work post to talk to me (trying to humiliate me by loudly saying "YOsu KNOW WERE JUST FRIENDS RIGHTt? I looooovvvveeee MY WIFE") but always has some excuse to be there.
He is very much stronger than me and he's told me he has a rape fetish. I aim to never be alone with him. Once in a blue moon I stay at the work accomodation which is where I met him. I aim to not stay there anymore.
Any more advice?
submitted by D0ughnu4 to NarcissisticAbuse [link] [comments]
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