Former "throuple'' pol Katie Hill on Monday took a swipe at religious-right leader Jerry Falwell Jr. over a sex scandal involving him, his wife and a pool boy. This Early-2000s Music Video Screenshot Quiz Will Be Extremely Hard For Everyone Except Millennials. If you watched TRL, then you will probably be pretty good at this. A woman who came forward with accusations of child sex abuse against Jeffrey Epstein on Monday described a disturbing encounter with the now-deceased sex offender, said she took former President ... And Mark aka Woody is also a little on the outside. They come together and it's like they were never apart. The chemistry was there from the beginning but never got dull. It only grew and grew. The storyline was dramatic, the emotions were so well written I teared up a few times feeling the actual pain of the characters. What may have once been a laughable conspiracy movement has now led to dangerous real-world consequences. In 2018, a man took his AR-15 and an armored car to the Hoover Dam to demand the government come clean about supposed crimes related to QAnon beliefs. In 2019, a QAnon-obsessed man was arrested in the killing of a high-profile mob boss. A Colorado woman was arrested earlier this year after ... But I do walk naked from the shower up to our bedroom in the morning to help minimize the Towering Tower of Towels that tend to collect up there. What I am trying to say is, we are a naked family. All of us: the perfect, unmarred children and the two slightly less pristine adults have no qualms about showing what nature gave us in the light of day. In all the years that Keeping Up With the Kardashians has been on air, I have sidestepped it. The Kardashians are the thing I have had to give up on, for the benefit of something else.
2020.08.04 06:49 forget-it123456 Coming clean about the fucked up things I did as a child
Finally coming clean about my fucked up childhood
This is the first time I’m actually typing my story out.. please be nice I’m not good a punctuation..
Not sure when it started, maybe on the bus when I was young with the older boys always being vulgar and loud, I do know it started with a curious mind and too much internet freedom
I was 9-10 when I got my first iPod touch for Christmas. I was so excited as I longed for one after seeing my sister get one, even better mine had a camera! At the time I was thrilled...
I was severely bullied in school by kids since I could remember, sadly I went to a small school district so I was with most of these kids my whole school life, it was torture, the kids on the bus even were mean to me. I was alone finally my parents caught on and decided to get me help starting with ADHD as that was what the media and doctors were shoving in everyone’s face at the time. I ended up going to a horrible doctor, trying all sorts of ADHD meds that made me loose weight, and turned me Into a zombie. At this time they decided to pull me out of school, It was October of my 5th grade year that I started to homeschool. The bullying continued online as everyone my age had a Facebook. It just wouldn’t stop, I was deteriorating
Finally my parents decided to find a different child psychologist and I was diagnosed with PTSD from the relentless bullying, depression, anxiety, panic disorder, social phobia.
My mind was fucked I was alone, I hated myself, my parents were busy with work I had no friends no way out of my house I was stuck but I had my I pod..
my Curiosity started when the boys on the bus talking about boners when I was 9 I had no clue what the term was so I went on YouTube and googled and was confused as not much my young mine could understand popped up. So I searched and searched that night, clicking on all sorts of links, watching videos, pictures etc. it was crazy this was sex? My parents neglected to give me the “talk” when I was younger but I remember the day they gave my sister it and I was so intrigued on what they were saying in the other room. But I never found out.
When I was 10 I found this game called disc golf, you were able to play with strangers and chat while you played. I would always ask them “do you wanna have cyber sex?” I would then explain it and I would get a leave game or a ok and we would start sexting like we knew each other, I did it everynight. It’s not my real name, what’s the big deal? They won’t find me
When I was 11 I was playing on my I pod alone while my parents were distracted, I also had a “quiet space” in my closet I could go and calm down or relax when I was having a rough time. I was on some weird app I had found where you could watch CCTV feeds from all over the world. They had a chat room and people were saying usernames to another IM app and saying sexual things like people do (can’t remember what the name was) so I added a guy on that app as I was curious. I lied about my age and the guy started to talk sexual and I followed along with what I read on the internet. Sending “pictures of myself” which were pictures of pornstars I would find on the internet. I loved the attention, even if it wasn’t actually me I loved the way they would talk about the porn stars and tell them they were pretty and how much they wanted them.
Then when I was 12 boy from my old school started talk to me, he said I was cute he gave me attention we talked on Skype for hours and hours, video chatted etc. I don’t remember if it was me who brought it up or him but It started to get sexual we faked sexual for a long time then I moved into nudes.. I told myself “it’s a friend, not a stranger” we continued like that for awhile then a dumb fight happened and we stopped talking.
But I was addicted to the attention, I needed to be told I was pretty, that I was wanted, I wasn’t a reject. I needed it so bad I was willing to find anyone.. a stranger.. Omegle..
I got a kik as that seemed to be the big IM for that stuff back then. I found people, lots of people... it was an addiction I would be doing 3-4 at a time a day and would block them when I would get bored or they found me out.
Then I started to send pictures of myself. At 12 I had pretty much developed so I thought I can pass for a woman so I’ll do it just once. With this one guy, and man the rush I got from getting a compliment that was actually directed at me. I continued kik for a long time sending nudes, finding people to sext with on Omegle, lying about my age etc. this is when I started to self harm.
My family then decided they would send me back to school 9th grade, my local highschool.. still all the people I went to school with when I was younger.
I went boy crazy, I hadn’t gotten to interact with boys my age since 5th grade I was obsessed I wanted all the attention.
In comes Snapchat.. when I asked my mom if I could have one she said “ok but don’t be sending bad pictures” I assured her that was disgusting and I would never do that...
You can probably pretty much guess what happened next it’s pretty typical what happens with highschool teens sending nudes, but i personally was sending them to multiple guys. My mom was strict in certain ways at home. I could never go out, rarely had friends over strict in who I hung out with (as my sister was able to snitch as she was a senior at the time I was a freshman) I started to rebel, and send more and more and more till, what do ya know they spread. And my sisters friends ended up finding out at a party. They told my sister. Not only that it had gotten around to the school moms. So my mom was already contacted at that point...
All hell broke loose, I came clean, disciplined obviously. My mom decided to make an appt with my psychologist the next day as in the raging talk we had the night I brought up I didn’t wanna live anymore.
I wasn’t allowed to have my phone in my room at all or have my phone at night, my mom had to have the passwords to socials etc. I was good for a couple months..
I thought I was smart if I just delete everything how will she know?
My mom thought I was doing good so I was allowed to have my phone during the day, with the door open.
My mom worked in a separate out building on our property at the time and my dad was always asleep in the morning. I figured out if I take all my pictures in the morning while I’m getting ready for school and getting dressed that would keep the compliments coming. Always deleting the evidence. So I thought.. one guy had saved a snap message. And she saw it.
No more Snapchat. And she downloaded a program on my phone without my knowing. She could see every move, every search, every dm. And she could see what I had deleted.
I started to sext one guy through text and of course she found out and finally ended up confronting me and telling me I had a sex addiction, and I was disgusted. I realized it.. I had a sex addiction, I needed the attention to survive. That’s an addiction. I got into therapy and slowly started to heal.
With all this pedophilia coming up, it’s made me think, wow I haven’t dealt with the gravity of what I had done.
I’m disgusted, revolted, horrified all sorts of emotions that I did that when I was younger? What possessed me to do that? Was it my parents, was it the internet was it the sexual stuff on tv?
I’m disgusted because I probably am on the internet in lots of places with how many people I’ve sent to. It makes my stomach turn to not know who has these photos of me when I was younger. Makes me want to puke as I know they are probably on pedo websites.
I’m scared, what if someone is busted and I’m found in the photos? What If in the future I get charged for some reason. What if somehow they spread again. What if I get kidnapped because someone saw me on a website.
I’ve healed a lot, but realized I still have lots of new trauma to work through
I’ve found empowerment in the aftermath of this, for so long I hated my body, disgusted at how sexual I was. How I loved sex and the thought of it.
Now that I’m older I’ve realized sex shouldn’t be taboo and loving sex shouldn’t be seen as disgusting or promiscuous. I’ve also learned with the right partner sexual trauma can be healed and worked through and that I’m not tainted and that No one will ever love me.
One of the big things I take away from this is If I just had “the talk” with my parents I feel so much would’ve been different. I’m lucky things didn’t turn out worse... very lucky.
submitted by forget-it123456 to offmychest [link] [comments]
2020.05.18 11:54 Rynthewriter New Story! worked for ages on it and nosleep wouldnt accept it. Enjoy.
When a girl or a woman goes missing there's this awful sense that she's been raped, kidnapped or murdered. With men, the cops usually figure that it was a suicide, or some accident. Because humanity's worst don't usually target grown men.
But there was something off about Louis’ disappearance.
Louis was 36 years old, and very overweight. He was divorced from a woman called Eva, who had custody of their little daughter, Hayley. Louis loved Hayley. Seeing her every weekend was apparently the highlight of his life. He loved being a dad.
Louis never bailed on seeing his daughter, he didn't have any other girlfriends after Eva and it seemed that he lived for Hayley between his long and uneventful life of wageslaving.
Louis didn't have much going for him, every officer thought it was a suicide for sure. His car was missing from outside his apartment building, I managed to get a few statements saying they last saw Louis leaving in his car on the 9th July, 6pm. We got the number plate and officers searched all over for it, with no luck.
Everyone said Louis had driven his car into the river.
But I felt so strongly for Hayley, the six year old girl who had no clue where her father was. I didn't think Louis had killed himself. I think if he did, he'd at least leave a note. I begged our chief inspector, Drew to reopen it as a murder inquiry.
"Look," Drew said to me "Nothing stops them at the end. Look at Kurt Cobain, he had a little daughter, didn't he? Still blew his brains out. If we find the body we'll call it a murder all you want, Stewart, but think about it. Who'd have killed him? He wasn't involved in anything sketchy, and don't try to tell me this was sexual."
I gave up. Then, on the 22nd July, William went missing. He was overweight too, but a bit younger. He was 29. He seemed to be a pretty nice lad, he'd studied video game design and worked in some IT job. Everyone said he was super friendly. Everyone liked him.
William had been in a car accident a few months before he went missing. He broke his leg and had to have surgery on it, apparently it got him pretty depressed since he had to use a wheelchair for a while. But he'd recovered by the time he went missing. He seemed really happy.
The police got suspicious that something was amiss when we found out he was gay. He was pretty open about it, so we tried to question ex boyfriends, and there was only one we could get hold of. It was this Swedish lad who he hadn't been in contact with for three years. And he didn't know anything that helped us. And as far as his friends knew, he'd been single for two years.
William's laptop and phone were mysteriously missing from his apartment. He didn't drive so there was no car to look for. So we couldn't find anything about who he was seeing or if he was into any shady sex practices. It didn't really seem like a suicide but they just closed the case, they said they didn't know what happened to William, couldn't find any leads and had more important things to worry about.
They did kind of see the connection with Louis. Two overweight men, gone without a trace. The other cops joked a lot about it; the idea there was some serial killer that prayed on fat men was kind of absurd. But it wasn't funny, I wanted to know what happened.
I kept talking to the families of Louis and William. I was sure they weren't suicides. I talked to their parents, their friends, but mostly I talked to Eva. I swore to her that I would find out what happened to him for sure, for his daughter's sake. I wouldn't back down.
And as if like magic, this kid was arrested for driving a stolen car. And this car was Louis'
I asked him where he found the car and he said it was just parked next to a pub in the next town over, Selby. He had been watching it and noticed no one went near it after the pub closed. He took the car at about 3am in the morning, 10th July.
He'd gone to stay with some friends in Sheffield, a city we hadn't bothered to look around in. Someone recognised it was the car we were looking for and called it in.
Forensics searched the car. Nothing odd or out of place in there, no fingerprints other than his, Hayley's, the people you'd expect. If he had been killed, the killer probably hadn't even seen his car. We were sure Louis went to the pub, so we went there to ask who'd seen him. It was a busy night on the 9th July. Lots of people came and went.
“I think I saw him “ the barmaid was an old lady who looked and sounded like she wanted to smash my head into the counter "I don't remember what time he was here. It was a long night, officer. We clear the CCTV every so often so we don't have that footage. I'm sorry"
I ran to Drew with my discovery and he did not give a fuck "You're still hung up on the disappearance of Peter Griffin, are you? So we reckon he was at a pub in Selby that night?"
"Yes, sir" I hated calling this prick sir.
"Where's the nearest river to that pub? He must have got drunk and fell in. Causing a tsunami, no doubt"
"Sir, someone died"
"We haven't found a body yet. I'll get the boys to have a look in the river and see if we find our pal. You've done a pretty good job though, Stewart."
"Do you think it's possible he was meeting someone? He lives in York, funny he should go all the way down to Selby just to go the pub"
"Damn, good point, you reckon this could be a drug deal gone wrong or something?"
"I'll have a look at offenders who operate in Selby, see who the local dealers are and so on. And we'll look around for a body. Good job"
I asked Eva if she knew anything, Louis didn't have any real priors or history with drugs. Eva had no idea about any drugs. I even tried to ask Hayley if she had seen her dad doing anything unusual. I tried to ask them about any women that Louis might be meeting.
Eva couldn't name anyone he might have been visiting. Hayley told me something; one night she got up and heard her dad on the phone to a woman. She had asked if it was his girlfriend, and he said it wasn't. "But he went all red so that means it was"
We had no clue who this mystery woman was. We couldn't find a thing, his Facebook only really had immediate family and coworkers. We questioned people at his work too, weirdly none of them lived in Selby or had any interest in talking to Louis outside of work. We dropped this lead, it was probably just some silly 6 year old girl thing.
No body was found. No one seemed to know anything more.
I tried to look more into William's case. His laptop and phone were missing from his flat. That was really odd, as though someone wanted to hide something. A bunch of cops on the force said he probably had child porn and destroyed it all before killing himself. I didn't really believe that. I had them look over the apartment again. That's when we found a birthday card.
It had fallen behind his wardrobe, and it had two teddy bears hugging on the front. Written in it, in very weird printed writing, the letters super far apart happy birthday to my cuddly teddy bear. Lots of love, S.
On the back, it had a company trademark saying it was printed that year. So this wasn't an old card. William's birthday was a month before he was reported missing. It seemed romantic and as far as we'd heard William had been single for over two years. We had the card dusted for prints, and none other than Williams.
'S' probably knew where William lived. If he killed him, he had the chance to get rid of the phone and computer as if to hide any evidence they were together.
And the rest of the house was odd, as though someone had made an effort to remove something. It was really tidy, and it seemed everyone who knew William said his flat was quite messy. This made the other cops more sure it was a suicide, the whole not leaving anything embarassing for your family to find thing.
But then, they found Tyler. No one had reported Tyler missing. No one missed him or knew he was gone. He had no contact with his dad or his stepmum, he didn't have many friends and he didn't work, he was found passed out on the side of a country road going out of Selby. He was overweight when he was last seen, but not now. He wasn't thin yet, he was just smaller. He was taken to hospital and they called us right away. He was telling them he had information he wanted to tell the police.
I went to talk to him at the hospital and he looked calm, but totally empty eyed. There were a few scars on him, and most notably a massive chunk of skin missing from his forearm, leaving a neat patch of red. He said he would tell me everything that happened
"I knew no one was going to come looking for me. That's how they never get caught. They pick these fat losers that have nothing going for them. No one cares when guys like that go missing." he told me "I was there for, I think, four weeks? Anyway, I really like online dating. I mean, look at me, I'm not exactly fighting them off in real life. There's apps where you can just put your cock as your profile pic because that's the only thing that matters. I might be fat and ugly but I have a big dick. So I got laid a lot through that app.
That's how I met um, Sean and Erica," he said with hesitation like he was making up names "they were this kinky couple who lived in Selby. Erica was a femdom and her husband was apparently a cuck or something like that. They were looking for a man to join them as a third. Erica ran the account and I didn't speak to Sean at all until I met them in person.
So I travelled up to Selby and I met them in a pub. We didn't get anything, just went back to their place. Something was off, like, basically, Sean just looked like he didn't want to do it. He actually left me and Erica on our own in the bedroom once we got to their house. He got us drinks, and I thought, this is going to be a really crap encounter, I'll just drink to get through it. You can guess that they drugged me, I started feeling drowsy when Erica was going down on me. She stopped really suddenly, and went over to E- to Sean, and she was whispering something to him. I passed out.
I freaked the fuck out when I woke up because I couldn't see anything. I really thought I'd woke up blind. My hands were cuffed. I realised I had a blindfold on. You know, I didn't question it. It sounds crazy, but I just thought this was some BDSM thing. So I kind of calmed down.
A while later they came in. They took the blindfold off and Erica was holding my phone, and Sean was holding this like, bucket full of water. And Erica dropped my phone in it. Sean tipped it up a little to show me, it was like, there were a bunch of phones just floating in there. Probably about six. They set it down in the corner, and I asked what they were going to do to me.
'You didn't think to tell us you had an std?', Sean asked me, and I had no idea, I'd never been tested. I said I was sorry, I didn't know, and I didn't think it would matter because we would've worn protection. I brought condoms. 'That's not what we're trying to do' Erica said 'We can't do what we wanted now because you failed to mention you had herpes. This is what happens when you find them online!’
well, then they were mad. They told me I was going to be punished. They were just standing there yelling at me, saying I wasn't going to go home again. They said they'd take me to the basement and I'd die in there.
They moved me to the basement and they kept me blindfolded. I didn't scream or try to get out, I thought fuck it, if I was going to die this way so be it. I was suicidal anyway. If I didn't die in their basement I'd have probably just killed myself at home. At least I'd be remembered this way, when they got caught, I'd be the victim of the Co- of a serial killer couple.
But then they changed their mind. They came in a few days, made me eat and drink even though I resisted. And they never took the blindfold off. I just had to hear from them. They were going to keep me alive, for spare-
They were in the basement all the time. I always heard them even though they tried to be quiet. They were walking on something. I heard these noises like a um, a sewing machine and stuff. They were doing some sort of taxidermy. They often talked to me and I started to really like them.
He was a surgeon. Her job wasn't as good, she was a receptionist at this school. They had a daughter together once, but she died when she was just a baby. She got her tubes tied after that. They said they were happier with what they were doing now, than they could have ever been if they had kids.
She had hated being a mother. She said she felt so degraded when she gave birth. The baby was a reminder. After her daughter died, she didn't feel how she should have. She felt kind of relieved. That's when they tried BDSM, her being dominant or whatever to take back the power she said she lost when she became a mother. She wanted, she said, to feel like a man when she had sex.
So that's when they had the idea for the suit. They were inspired by uh, silence of the lambs. The idea was they'd kidnap big guys like me, so there was more skin to work with. They'd hold these guys and they'd remove that skin, sew it up into a suit that would fit her, and the thing is- they wanted to-
Um, let's just say they were going to attach some guys dick to the suit and she was going to ‘use it’ if you know what I mean. They wanted it to be mine, you know how I said my dick was my profile pic on that app? They saw that and thought that was the one they wanted. They'd spiked me with Viagra too that night they'd roofied me. They'd all but finished the suit. I was going to be the final piece. I guess my herpes saved me from that.
So, uh, eventually they took my blindfold off. And I finally saw it. The suit." Tyler stopped for a second. There were tears in his eyes for a second but he shook them away "They'd lined the inside of the skin with this like, felt material and they'd put this strap on dildo into the suit. And um, there was a tattoo on the skin. Of Mario."
William had a Mario tattoo. "Did they ever tell you who they had killed for the suit?"
"They said it was made of two different men. She had picked up the first guy after she met him on a train and asked him to meet her at a pub. She knew he had a little daughter, and it made her feel bad. But she wasn't going to miss the opportunity. And the second one Sean picked up. He met the second bloke at the hospital he worked at, when he broke his leg. He managed to seduce him into going to their house.
Sean and Erica weren't their real names. That was just what they used on the app, they use different names with every guy. I was scared then, but I pretended I thought the suit was great. I got them to let me go downstairs and Erica fucked me while she was wearing the thing and Sean watched. Then I managed to make a run for it."
Tyler held up his arm, where a bit of skin was missing. There was a lot of precision to it, just like a surgeon had done it "If you don't believe me, it's right there. They had to replace some skin that got ripped on the suit when they were using it.
I don't want you to catch them and put them away. It doesn't matter now. If you find them, it won't give anyone any closure, all that's left of those guys is skin, they burnt everything else. All that's left now is a sex toy. I'm sure their families wouldn't want to know that. You really don't want to find that suit"
Of course, we searched high and low for this couple until we found a couple who lived in Selby. The husband was a surgeon, and his name was Eric, he'd actually worked on William's broken leg. The wife was a receptionist at a local secondary school, her name was Sienna. They had a little daughter together, Charlotte who died of an infection when she was just a baby. Four years ago.
We questioned them and they evaded us at every turn, Tyler awkwardly said he didn't recognise them, but I was sure he was lying. We had no other evidence that they had anything to do with the disappearances.
So in the end, Louis and William's deaths were closed as suicides.
submitted by Rynthewriter to rynhorror [link] [comments]
2020.05.04 11:52 UnluckyTea31 Sex on cctv porn
He came to my life when I was 10. Grew up with the lack of fatherly figure, he did gave me attention and care that I needed.
I don't know or not sure what is wrong with me but maybe my red flag detector is just broken. I was molested a few times by my male relatives during my teenage years (11-17) so I don't really know how to tell whether these male relatives are a threat to me or not. I have slept with 6 guy friends cramped up in a room before and they never did anything to me while these relatives touched me inappropriately without hesitation to the point that I just start to see male relatives are more dangerous than male friends. I would get panic attacks to any male relatives exclude my dad, stepdad and a few of my favourite uncles.
Although, I start gaining red flags with my stepdad. I seriously do not want to see him as a bad guy here but he just seem to be going right into my senses that I should be careful with him.
I had my first real and sexual boyfriend when we were 16. I got him some explicit nude photos of me and so does him. I do arts too, so I tend to send him lewd and sexual drawings for his opinion. I know pretty wild but we were just dumb lmao. My real dad decided to buy me a new phone since he said that my current phone at that time was outdated, so I got one. Usually, if I get new gadgets, I would give my previous gadgets to my stepdad since he's like a tech wiz/geek and he's pretty good at it. I swore I have reset factory/formatted my phone already. 6 months after giving him my formatted phone, he confronted me alone that he found my nudes in that phone. I tried to retrace my mind whether I have formatted my phone and I really remembered I did. I don't know how he found it and I just admit I've been explicit with my boyfriend, just visually. I mean yeah, it's my fault for being sexually active in a young age, but it's just so disturbing to know that he saw my body like that. I do hope that he deleted it and not keeping it....So I shrugged it off and thinking I might've been stupid and thinking I didn't format my phone after all.
On age 18, I started working and the one who would always pick me up is my stepdad. We're always alone at the car otw back, nothing bad happened but he just starts to be 'open-minded' to me. Talking sexual and adult topics, he ever brought up about his sex life before my mom with me too. I was quite naive, thinking he's just treating me as an adult that I should know about things like these from him and it's okay to talk about it. I was quite okay and comfortable when he talks about him and his girls back then. Sometimes, he would come to me and my sister's room to ask for a massage especially on his sides and legs since he gets quite cramp-y or sore. I still shrug this off tbh, see no harm to it.
A few years later, I have another boyfriend who lives quite nearby. He would visit me at home when I'm doing commissions alone while everyone is out for job and school. We get quite cuddly at home and fact, our house have installed CCTV inside, which therefore no sense of privacy at any corner of the house except the rooms. I seriously hate this idea of installing CCTV inside the house. Anyways, I forgot to turn off the CCTV at that time and well, one night, my stepdad suddenly messaged me and screenshot of me cuddling my boyfriend on the couch. I got shocked, contacted my boyfriend to apologise to my stepdad about the incident too. I start to feel a lot more uncomfortable cause he get to see me being sweet and cuddly with my boyfriend.
The moment that triggered me and got me finally (maybe) put the puzzles together, that I was sitting alone at the living room, enjoy texting with my boyfriend. My stepdad came to the living room and sat beside me on the couch. I was pretty okay with it. Note that this happened the night before he sent me the screenshot of me and my boyfriend cuddling. He was talking to me more about sexual stuffs and what was weird is that, he told me that he has been sexually frustrated with my mom since she always rejects his invitation. That he kept and watch porn in his phone, and he masturbates to it at times. Like I DO NOT NEED TO KNOW THAT. I was feeling a little too uncomfortable with the whole conversation, I just wanted it to end. He also did confessed that he tried to not have a crush on us girls and think of himself as a responsible dad, but I don't need to know that too. Why do you have to tell me that? I was completely bothered by it....
Skip to recent, I confronted to my sister about this matter, the reason why I don't really like going back home anymore. I feel unsafe and I feel like I'm being watched for anything I do. She confessed to me that she feels the same too and that's why she lives elsewhere. My sister told me that she had the same thing happened to her about resetting/formatting gadgets and gave it to him. She had pictures of her and her boyfriend in that laptop before, but she already formatted it before giving it to him. Suddenly, he confronted her that he found pictures of her and her boyfriend from the laptop. WHICH IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE THERE. That's where I start to see that, he tried very hard, to find what's inside my phone when I formatted it. That's where I knew, it wasn't my fault and I was already careful enough about my privacy. That's where I learned that he breached my privacy by recovering my formatted phone.
I am completely bothered and I don't know if I am paranoid due to past molestation. Maybe I'm just really paranoid and over exaggerate this problem, but what do you think? He does have a fatherly care to me but, I just can't overlook the fact that he raided my privacy, saw my nudes and even told me that he's sexually frustrated with mom. I decided to live far away from family just so I feel a lot more safer being alone and not watched.
tl;dr: as i grew older, my stepdad found out about my explicit photos in my phone. He has been openly talking sexual and adult topics with me and I think that it's just a form of a normal 'open-minded' father. Although looking back, I'm not sure whether it was just friendly talks or it was suggestive. Please help.
submitted by UnluckyTea31 to rapecounseling [link] [comments]
2020.02.11 15:43 throw-away-pr0n On sex cctv porn
list of behaviour may TRIGGER
Struggling a bit and feel like I need I’ve not admitted to myself. Here’s a list of what I’ve done in the pursuit of porn for from the age of 12/13;
Torrented and pirated videos
Found gay bdsm dating sites and got off on the content
Taken voyeuristic pictures of hot girls to fap to later on work camera - swapped out the memory card after doing so I didn’t get caught
Saved random girls photos from Facebook to fap to
Joined and deleted porn sharing forum memberships multiple times
Spent hours and days waiting to download pirated porn from file sharing sites edging the whole time
Downloaded GBs of porn and hidden on my pc
Kept backups on thumb drives and external drives
Had browsers on my phone specifically for porn
Had password protected VLC on my iPad so I could store porn videos there
Created multiple porn email addresses and twitter accounts to sign up for content
Spend $100s on niche porn and humiliation videos then deleted them after cumming
Spent days organising my collection, tagging it, researching actors
Edged myself in sessions that would last the whole weekend, ‘forcing’ myself to watch as much porn that I’d gathered as possible
Watched porn in the bathroom at work
Used google images to find triggering images when I’ve been at work computers
Used my porn twitter account to lust after dominatrixes and DM then
Created a ‘Slave’ alter ego on twitter, fetlife, image fap etc and posted content there
Emailed dominatrixes about booking sessions
Sent online $ tributes to a dominatrix
Paid for a dominatrixes only fans
Written porn stories to get myself off
Kept notes on my phone of fantasises based on porn
Had an RSS feed on my phone so I can keep track of when new clips comes out
Memorised my favourite stars, websites and clips and obsessively checked for new content
Watched porn while working from home or studying
Watched porn and masturbated while my partner slept next to me
Made ASMR porn/triggering playlists and spent hours listing to them while in self bondage
Dressed alone in fetish gear and watched porn for hours
Streamed porn over my car Bluetooth to listen to while driving
Had a second phone/sim so I could verify adult accounts
Found passwords for porn sites and site ripped the entire site to add to my collection
Paid for subscriptions to porn sites
Created a fake second PayPal so I could transfer money from my main account incognito and use to buy porn
Spent $100s on erotic photo books
Been to sex museums in multiple cities
Fapped while sniffing a work colleagues boots she left behind
Used work cctv to zoom in on girls, saved the footage and fapped later at work
Taken photos of girls from the window at work to fap to later
Researched online to find a porn stars private fb/identity and address
Been to fetish club nights to watch people
Been to sex conventions
Been to sex/fetish fairs
Spent $100s on sex toys and latex clothing for partners
Had custom sex toys made and visited the maker to collect
Fapped on webcam for friends on chat Screenshotted friends on chat and saved to fap to Screenshotted friends stories to fap to
Hooked my Laptop up to TVs and projectors so I could get it more immersive Watched VR porn
Followed models and photographers on fb and curated my feed so I’d see it first
Searched for porn on my phone while sat on the sofa with partner, out and on vacation
Paid for a VPN to hide my activity
Joined dating sites to find photos to fap to
Arranged fetish shoots with partner
Worked for free for a porn site on their website
Made my own amateur site for partner Signed up to be a reseller of sex toys Added local models/sex shop workers on personal fb
Let me know if you can relate - how much of this is healthy and normal?! I’ve hidden this from everyone I know.
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2019.08.20 03:47 j259awesome Sex on cctv porn
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stuffyoushouldknow StuntGifs stupid stupid_watergate StupidCarQuestions StupidCriminals StupidFinance stupidfuckingcup stupidgenius stupidpeople stupidquestions stupidsexykarlsson SturgillSimpson stuttgart stvmcg stwnhms15ya style stylus suami Subaru_Crosstrek SubaruEmbassy subarulegacy subaruoutback subbie SubBoxBST subcultures SubForEverything SubForSub SubGenius sublime submergedstarfish Subnautica_Below_Zero subnauticabases suboxone subreddit_stats Subredditads SubredditAnalysis SubredditCPR subreddithashbrowns SubredditHashtags subredditofthedead subredditorigins subreddits subredditsarehashtags SubredditSimSimulator subredditsyoufellfor subrosa SubsAreHashBrowns SubscribeToMe subsIdidntfallfor subsiwishexisted SubsIWishIFellFor SubsIWishWereReal SubsThatActuallyExist substhatexist substhatshouldexist SubstituteTeach Substratum SubsYouDidntFallFor Subsyouwishwerereal Subterfuge Subterranean subtleasiantraits subtlebadassery SuburbanDrama Subways success SuccessfulFailure 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SwingMusic swingtrading swipecrypto swipeforfacebook Swirclejerk SwissArmyKnives swissborg SwissMountainDogs SwitchBackupLoaders SwitchedAtBirth Switcheo SwitchFCSwap switchfoot Switchloader SwitchRom SwitchTV SwitchXCI swivelhere SWN swole_acceptance Swolebrities swolesomememes sword_porn SwordOfTruth SWResistance SWResources SWTORGuilds sydneybuyandsell SydneyMaler SydneySierota SydneySweeney syfy sylasmains sylo_io Symbaroum symbol Symbology symfony Symphogear symphonicblackmetal SynapseNetwork syncedgifs Synchronicity Syncthing SyndiesUnited syndramains Synereo synth Synthetic_Biology SyntheticNightmares Synths4Sale synthwaveproducers SyracuseU syrianconflict SyrianRebels Sysadmin_Fr SysadminLife sysadminresumes SysCoin SYSKarmy sysor System32Comics System76 systema systems_engineering systemshock sytycd sza SzechuanSauceSeekers sziget
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2018.09.26 04:13 subreddit_stats Sex porn on cctv
Period: 364.42 days
|Rate (per day)||2.74||136.63|
Generated with BBoe's Subreddit Statssubmitted by subreddit_stats to subreddit_stats [link] [comments]
2018.07.28 19:02 allthingseverywhere Sex on cctv porn
Below are some responses from JWs about things getting worse (or not) in our time based on stats showing that things are actually getting better.
"From bad to worse" is not limited to crime. Bad from Jehovah's standpoint includes moral decay.
I don’t think we need to make a specific proof about crime or any other stats in the ministry. There are so many variables that don’t get measured at all. You might just ask the person if they feel happy with the way things are right now, or if s/he feels that we as a society are on our way to figuring everything out and achieving health, happiness and unity as a global level.
------ This one is a long one, I apologize
Aside from actual crime stats, vicious and divisive attitudes are now prevalent. Years back, sure folks had opinions on any given topic yet, they maintained a certain respect for each other. That's gone. People use foul language in speaking about those in high command. PIck any topic - racism, sexual identity, abortion... Any one of these issues could create a "civil war" any day. People are very much divided.
I also question these crime stats. When I was a kid, we registered our bikes. If our bike was ever stolen, a police report was filed and we would give them our bicycle registration number. This was considered a crime and police would search for your stolen bike. Nowadays, if you called the police over a stolen bike, they'd laugh at you for calling!!
Standards have gone down, way down.
I don't believe there are fewer crimes, just fewer people reporting them. Even major corporations assume a certain percentage of loss to their bottom line (EBITDA) due to theft - which is why you don't have to sign your name on many credit card transactions - they assume that XX number are fraudulent, whether it's you or the next guy in line. They no longer care, the loss has already been built into the business model.
Fewer rapes and assaults are being reported - people often feel it's a waste of time to report something because justice seems to have fallen by the wayside.
So, crime stats may ebb & flow but I think the larger picture is attitudes, which the Bible points out, rather than actual numbers of specific crimes.
2 Tim 3:1-4 But know this, that in the last days critical times hard to deal with will be here. 2 For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, haughty, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, disloyal,3 having no natural affection, not open to any agreement, slanderers, without self-control, fierce, without love of goodness, 4 betrayers, headstrong, puffed up with pride, lovers of pleasures rather than lovers of God...
Also, bible prophecy doesn't provide stats on health, crime, and government. It gives descriptive word pictures:
"The earth will be filled with violence."
Some of the most popular movie series of the last ten years: Saw. The Purge. A whole genre of films known as 'Torture-Porn' is now on TV, free of charge; go to YouTube to get the most gruesome bits over and over.
"Filled with immorality"
There are stats that teenagers in Asia are not having sex, in record numbers, because the demographics don't balance out, and because the internet gets more face time with them than real people do. But the Porn Industry isn't even taboo anymore, and that's not even counting the stuff you see on TV at every commercial break.
Stats are only half the story. To fill the world with something doesn't mean to inflict it personally on each person. Violent Crime is down, and it's now a form of popular entertainment. Both these things are true.
------ This is one of my faves
Crime in the US did spike slightly from around 2014-2016, but it's down overall since it's peak in the mid 90s. Reference: http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2018/01/30/5-facts-about-crime-in-the-u-s/
I've also been confronted regarding statistics showing that the rate of deaths from hunger is decreasing, as well as the rate of deaths from many diseases due to improvements in medicine.
Upon such objections I usually ask the person something along the lines of what the OP listed: "Do you feel safer?" "Has humanity ever had the ability to destroy itself completely with the touch of a button?" etc.
How common were home invasions 100 years ago? What about school shootings?
One I used to use as a cab driver was... Which would you prefer..a government which promised to reduce crime or one that promised to eliminate it entirely ?
Reduce sickness or remove it ?
It often got the conversation going.
or 20 years ago, did you see drug deals taking place openly in the street ?
or 20 years ago did we have CCTV cameras in public places and shops and restaurants ?
I just don’t believe statistics. Lots of variables. Whose paying for them. What they are addressing. The level that they go to to get those numbers. People use numbers to their advantage. And, I think statistics can be pretty much the same.
"Do you feel safer than you did even ten years ago?"
"Do you see an increase or decrease in security measures, especially in public places"?
"How long does it take you to board an airplane post 9-11?"
"Are more or less people carrying guns today?"
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2018.07.11 08:43 Eric_eats_a_Banana Sex on cctv porn
Very recently I wrote a post entitled "Bobby Dassey Is A Sexual Sadist" https://www.reddit.com/TickTockManitowoc/comments/8wovbq/bobby_dassey_is_a_sexual_sadist/ which I still believe to be true. It was a short general overview regarding the types of internet searches Bobby was doing and why violence and sex/porn searches in isolation do not show anything out of the ordinary, it is when you start to mix the two and then add in an interest in peadophilia and beastilality, that things become a lot more alarming and very much start to show a sadistic sexual nature.
I posted that here and on MAM, there were also several other posts on both subs regarding the internet searches, some comments that stuck in my mind from the various posts, both from truthers and guilters were things like (not exact wording in some comments but generally very close);
"Everyone looks at porn", "It's just porn", "It's just violent porn", "All kids look up weird porn", "Lot's of people have an interest in BDSM", "Looking at violent porn doesn't make you a murderer" and "Women are more likely to have rape fantasies than men"
Because not a lot of content was provided in the posts regarding the actual internet search history and it really relied on the user to read the exhibits, I can fully understand why people may have said some of those those things, therefore I have decided to do this more in-depth post so that people get a clearer picture of what Bobby was searching for.
I will start by saying something important, whilst I have long had an interest in Psychology after studying it a short while when I was much younger, an interest in true crime, especially serial killers, serial rapists and sexually motivated murderers and a interest in Mental Health, where I work in a non-medical role, everything I have written is purely my opinion and definitely not a professional or expert opinion, therefore it is like most opinions on reddit! 😄
An interest in sex and a casual interest in porn is perfectly natural in my opinion and is an indication of nothing sinister, I will openly admit right here and now I occasionally look at porn. Even a more regular interest in porn is not neccesarily a sign of anything disturbing. An obsession with porn can definitely become unhealthy and perhaps warp your view of sex with women/men, but it is still not a devinative indication you are going to take the leap to commit a sexually motivated crime.
An interest in viewing violence, may be more of a worry than an interest in viewing porn but still not an indication of anything at all sinister. I will admit to something that I have admitted to before on TTM, I have always liked gory movies, lots of people do, I know the people being hurt aren't really being hurt and some of them aren't even people at all 🧟. Now the second part of that previous admission is something some, or maybe most of you, may find disturbing. That is that I very occasionally look at what is known as a "gore" website. These types of websites tend to have real life video footage, mainly from CCTV and phones, of car accidents (fatal and non fatal), other types of accidents with injuries and/or fatalities, killings by soldiers, murders by terror groups and drug cartel members. Some of the videos on the these websites are truly horrific, much much more graphic than crime scene photos which I have also seen a fair few of. Whilst some people enjoy these types of videos, I can hand on heart say that I do not, I do feel it is interesting to see first hand the sheer depravity one human being can inflict on another, but I take no pleasure in it and most of the time it makes me feel sick and like I have just witnessed someones soul being destroyed, if there is such a thing.
By this point you may be getting worried about me! So I will try and explain myself with a personal story I have shared on another sub on reddit which might make you understand my interest in Psychology, Mental Health and violent crime and make you think I'm not so disturbing after all!
When I was 9 years old I witnessed my dad commit an act of extreme violence against my mother, he then proceeded to brutality rape her. Whilst I knew the violence was wrong and what was happening during the rape was wrong, it was a couple of years later that I knew that rape had a sexual element to it. 3 months after that incident, when I was still 9, my whole family came home to find my dad handing from the ceiling. I have understood since aged 9 what extreme violence looked like, I have understood what the word suicide meant and have seen a dead body in a unpleasant way. I understood from an early age what depression meant and my Dad amongst other things was certainly deeply depressed.
That is where my interest in crime, violence, psychology and mental health comes from in my opinion and that of professionals I have spoken with. Lots of people who suffer trauma as a child go on to have a normal life, some unfortunately cannot stop or fight the trauma affecting them in a negative way and in the minority of cases those people sometimes go on to then inflict trauma on to others. I was very fortunate to have a very loving family life after that and the memories of the trauma I was left with I used in a positive way, I work in mental health and I abhor anyone who commits domestic violence or rape and I try to instill that in others.
Whilst I have gone off topic a fair bit, I wanted to begin by showing a separate interest in violence and porn is not necessarily an indication of anything sinister, it's when you begin to combine the two and add other elements where I think the warning signs begin. I will say I never visited the gore site and viewed porn in the same day, they are very separate feelings and I definitely don't feel right thinking about viewing them in the same day. Also the vast majority of killings tend to be of males, I am hetrosexual so if it had a sexual element to it I would be specifying females rather than just watching the violence.
I know zero about BDSM other than what I have briefly read because of the person who made the BDSM comment, whilst in some parts of BDSM it goes further than domination and humiliation to include a degree of pain, that only tends to be in the sadomasochism element and importantly it is fully consensual and is, as far as I can tell, meant to bring pleasure to both participants. So whilst the market for that type of porn is obviously less than regular porn, or even hard sex, it is still not an indication of any desire to commit a sexually motivated crime.
I have never viewed rape porn, I could never even dream of viewing it after what I witnessed as a 9 year old, but I do understand there is a market for it. However, despite how real it may look, I would imagine the vast, vast majority of it is purely an act, like all porn, therefore whilst some may class it as a sadistic pleasure, I don't think you can say the interest would definitely make someone commit a sexually motivated crime, although I would think the chance is slightly higher than someone who doesn't view it, in my opinion, but it is still nowhere near a positive indicator. When done in isolation and with no other factors it is something that most people could argue is no confirmed motive to commit a crime. Surely the viewing of real life rapes would only be found on the dark web, which of course wasn't around in 2005-2007. Which if the viewer knew were real and had deliberately looked for then that would be possibly considered sexually sadistic. Having said all that, in Bobby's case I think you have to look at all the different types of searches combined to get a fuller picture of his sexual interests.
All of what I have written above, including my personal experiences means that if I even had a 1% doubt in my mind that Steven Avery was guilty of the murder and possible rape of Teresa I would not spend a minute defending him on reddit, If I was only 99% sure I would just read and not fully defend him. Many of you won't be anywhere near 100% sure, but I am, despie of what crimes Steven has committed in the past.
If you're not asleep by this point, I will now actually get to the main point of what this post is about! 😄
I do believe Gary Hunt's (Zellner's expert) various affidavits show he is obviously very good at his job and his work adds great weight to Zellner's motion, I do feel the wording itself could have been done better as it is not the easiest of things to follow correctly when reading, but it is just a gerneral overview.
Regarding Detective Mike Velie's report CD, Gary Hunt states the following (I have removed non relevant parts);
"On May 10, 2006 the CD was created, which contains an HTML report for "Dassey's Hard Drive." This HTML report contains the following information:
14,099 images recovered from the computer categorized as "Recovered Images"
1,625 additional images categorized as "Recovered Pornography"
2,632 search results for terms:
2018.05.31 18:30 Tha_Dude_Abidez Repost from /u/new4now at Voat " Call for an inquiry into the cover-up of child abuse on the Groucho Club's members forum"
"The Groucho Club is the largest celebrity and media club in the world.
One of the most significant and organised child abuse networks in UK history was exposed operating on the famous media haunt; the Groucho Clubs own private members forum. There were thousands of members on the forum, and all sorts of child abuse material was available to the clubs private forum's members.
When the network was discovered, the evidence was quickly destroyed, and cached pages from Google were removed in a massive clean-up operation. This was done without informing the Police. To date, no one has been questioned or charged, and no explanation or statement has ever been issued.
Many of the celebrities now facing allegations, arrested or convicted in the past few years for sexual depravity such as the infant rapist, Ian Watkins, Weinstein, Spacey, Glitter, Saville, Harris, Hall, Max Clifford and others have frequented the Groucho Club. Harvey Weinstein is a lifetime member and was invited to write a chapter in a book about the Groucho Club where he talks about his membership.
The network of paedophiles that was operating on the Groucho Club private members forum has now moved on. No searches were made by the Police, no arrests were ever made and no one was ever questioned. The investigation was closed down quickly and quietly without ever contacting the reporter who made the original complaint to the Police.
The Groucho Club is now planning on opening a club in New York.
The Groucho Club is a private members club, set up in 1985 whose members are mainly drawn from publishing, media, entertainment and arts industries. 
In 2010 the Groucho Clubs web forum was found to have hundreds of web pages and links dedicated to gross and indecent material of young children . This was reported to Metropolitan Police and CEOP but nothing appeared to be done.  Googles cache pages of the evidence also kept being removed.
Links have been made between Charles Napier of the Paedophile Information Exchange and the Groucho Club; Jeremy Hunt Health Secretary and sugar daddy JHJ Lewis of Groucho Club; church premises nearby being used by men associated with the Groucho club to make child porn films ; and surveillance cameras being used in the club for improper purposes
There is the suggestion that various members used to snort cocaine and that there were extra surveillance cameras, initially vehemently denied by the Groucho Club, but proved to be present after a failed libel case by the Groucho Club . If this was the case, the cctv could also be used to collect evidence other indiscretions. This evidence, in the wrong hands, could be used for blackmail purposes.
The Groucho Club private members forum had 42,000 members, 900,000 posts and was operating for almost a year with children on sale for sex. The forum also had thousands of posts, photographs and videos of young children. However, the child abuse network operating on the Groucho Clubs forum was covered up
( article has many links at the end)
On the 10th of November 2010 it was discovered that an online member's forum operating under the name of the Groucho Club forum was being used over a prolonged period of time by a network of paedophiles.
The forum contained hundreds of web pages and links to pornographic videos and images of young children and infants available for sex
The preservation of the evidence at this stage was crucial to assist any criminal investigation and prosecute the offenders. Murphy again contacted the Metropolitan Police Service and CEOP (Child Exploitation and Online Protection Centre) several times by telephone and e-mail as a matter of extreme urgency, and he relayed his concerns that the evidence was now being destroyed.
In some cases a domain name can be hijacked, if this is indeed the case, then who is making the requests to Google? Who has deleted the forum pages and directing all links to the Groucho Club home page? This is a cleanup operation on a colossal scale, has been ongoing over a number of months and must be costing substantial sums of money. According to Google the legal owner of a web site or domain can make specific requests for the removal of cache pages and links. This prevents a website's pages from being listed in the search results or from appearing as a cache copy in the search listings. This is done by submitting a webpage removal request to Google. The search engine will then take steps to verify legal ownership of the domain or website before a specific change can be made.
The forum has posts made by child pornographers as late as September 2010. The forum has 42,348 members, 663,709 topics and 900,987 posts. Hundreds of the web pages and links are dedicated to gross and indecent material of young children. Murphy has compiled a list of the forum members with their age and birthdays. Some of the forum members are still very active on the internet and one user is listed on a number of websites for toddlers and other websites for girls dress up games. What is even more disturbing is that another user has stated their preferences on another website as bondage, sadism, masochism, beating and self mutilation.
Whoever owns and operated the Groucho Club forum seems to be somewhat of a mystery. What is certain is that someone is going to a lot of time, trouble and expense in making the requests to Google for the removal of the cache pages and links. Given that the forum was being utilised by the child pornography ring for such a prolonged period of time, did anyone in the Groucho Club management team or the new MD Matt Hobbs ever conduct a complete review of the clubs affairs or its online profile, as one would expect.
More info here
( thought it interesting Google's part in this)"
Link from Voat. Never heard of this before.
submitted by Tha_Dude_Abidez to conspiracy [link] [comments]
2017.05.31 18:56 ahmedreza4621 Sex on cctv porn
TL;DR: I am just another fat, lazy, porn and masturbation addict. Also feeling suicidal. Not worth your time.
Hi, You can call me Ahmed, but that's not my real name. I am 17 years old and a Muslim (I try to be). I live in Birmingham, in the U.K. (not USA). My parents sacrificed everything to bring me here and raise me up, their only child, and I've benefitted from this. I got good GCSE and AS grades and now have an offer to study at Cambridge, as long as I meet the grades required in my upcoming A level exams in one week's time.
How do I say the rest? I'll just blurt it out, I was never good at communicating eloquently. Since I was 12, I discovered my dad's porn history on the family laptop and myself got addicted to porn. I never mentioned it to my parents, because my dad would obviously get embarrassed and also my family was conservative Muslim, and sex was taboo (I want to stress that this is a South Asian cultural thing; the religion Islam itself doesn't treat the act of sex itself as something to be ashamed of). When my parents got me a smartphone, it just got worse. I was hooked on to porn and masturbation, and all my knowledge of sex came from the various Internet sources (not just porn sites, but Western Liberal sex ed sites, Christian sex ed sites, Islamic sex ed sites - all of which gave conflicting advice). It was a shameful secret to hold. In school (a boys school), as all my friends entered puberty, they would talk about sex and girls freely, but I was always seen as the religious 'pure' innocent guy who was always uncomfortable and refused to talk when others talked about sex/girls. Little did they know how I would stay up till 4 in the morning jacking off to porn, my sexual desires mixing with the intense shame I felt , in a psychological melting pot, to produce my current mix of fetishes that focus on humiliation and femdom (probably TMI at this point, but oh well I want to keep talking). Or at least, that's my hypothesis for why I have the fetishise I currently do.
There was also a creepy side to me. I don't do this anymore, out of fear of being reported, but from when I was 15 to around 16 and a half years old, I would deliberately stare at women in public to creep them out, and I got aroused by it. I knew I was part of that shameful group of men who creep women out in public. Not sexual assault, but close to sexual harrassmeny by staring even after the woman notices you staring. Fortunately, after about a year and a half I realised I might be reported (the UK has the most concentrated CCTV surveillance system after all) and stopped that behaviour, and felt ashamed that I couldn't control myself. All this sense of shame also led to another weird part of me developing - gore. Yes, after a while, I had this weird logic that porn was showing me artificially beautified women, therefore I should go on shock sites like BestGore and see gore and torture and murder and beheadings to see what the human body 'really' is like. I don't feel it's fucked up, but I know if other people knew about this, they would think it's fucked up.
Anyway, surprisingly, despite my addiction to porn and masturbation I performed at the top at school, and now I hold my offer to study at Cambridge. But something in my character has changed within the past year, which is now prompting me to type this out. I feel like my addiction has worsened in the last year. With one week to go for exams, I am not revising like I normally do. I am spending, out of 16 hours in a day awake, 6-8 hours on edging to porn. Before this year, this type of extreme behaviour was rare. I feel so lethargic, my brain foggy. I've given up my ambitions to study at uni, I feel more and more like a slave to my desires. I've always felt this way since I was 12, but in the last year, it has worsened. I eat a lot more. I was overweight, within the last few months I've become obese and uglier. I just can't organise myself anymore. I feel like I've changed a lot from the boy who got stellar results last year. What's scary is I don't know why I changed.
I've always felt suicidal due to the sense of shame associated with my behaviours. And this has never declined. Of course, I've been on many liberal sex ed sites which preach that porn and masturbation are healthy in moderation and try to tell you that you shouldn't be ashamed of your sexuality. Great stuff. Just didn't help me get out of my worries. I mean, at the end of the day, nobody but me is responsible for my happiness, and if I feel suicidal and end up killing myself (I don't think I am brave enough though) out of a desire to escape this fucked up mind of mine, that's entirely my responsibility and my decision and no one is at blame for it. My behaviours are simply a product of my decision making, but that decision making has gone horribly wrong.
So, now, I dread what I will get on exam results day. I am studious and have a good memory, and I wouldn't be too surprised if I actually did well, but I don't know. I am obviously damaging my chances by watching porn and not revising.
The people I most think about are my parents. They've worked so hard, sacrificed so much, for a worthless pile of shit that doesn't respect them back and argues with them, still has to rely on them to wash his clothes and wake him up in the morning, and is a porn addict and a fat, lazy creep. If they knew what their son really was, they would be devastated. I just hope that Allah grants them paradise in the after life if it exists.
So, yeah, just wanted to get this off my chest.
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