Disarm the Descent [Deluxe Edition] 2013. illusion Lost in this false reality White noise and confusion Enslaved to the new machine Beneath the haze, a spirit we should not contain This life, Carry on Wayward Son. Kansas. I Wanna Rock, Vol. 1. 1999. Lost In Confusion Lyrics. I'll be walking up streams. for how long I can't recall. It seems like I never. would run of bad luck. I never thought that I would get these thoughts. And the sands are running low. I would get dazed to kill my haze. And now there's no return. The navigator was saying they had lost their position. In the haze of fatigue and confusion, Cordle ordered the ship to slow—forgetting the three other destroyers coming up fast behind him. A crewmember had to remind him to warn them off. Capt. John Cordle, shown here as commander of USS San Jacinto ‘Steam rose all around her, and at once she was lost in a world of haze and mist.’ 2 in singular A state of mental obscurity or confusion. ‘through an alcoholic haze’ LARRY MAYER/Gazette Staff The Billings skyline is lost in the haze of ash falling from the eruption of Mount St. Helens 25 years ago. ... Billings spun into confusion. Rimrock Mall, the state's ... And my mind is covered in haze It starts to feel like I'm lost In this confusion I tried so hard but I know now That I can't get out That I can't get out It starts to feel like I'm lost In this ... ‘The rest of the evening passed away in a haze of confusion.’ ‘Tired commuters pass you in a haze, or daze.’ ‘The words penetrated the haze of confusion and shock that had momentarily frozen him in place.’ Subscribe to the Lost in the Haze mailing list now for the latest updates and looks. Name. Email Address. Sponsored Shop Modcloth has an incredible collection of quirky clothing and homewares. I spend hours browsing their store - everything is so beautiful!Jo - Lost in the Haze. I To Shop ASOS Madewell Motel Rocks Modcloth https://nighthazemusic.bandcamp.com/releases https://www.facebook.com/nighthazemusic https://soundcloud.com/nighthazemusic Graveyard Lyrics. "Lost In Confusion". I've been walking up streams. for how long I can't recall. It seems like I never. would run of bad luck. I never thought that I would get these thoughts. And the sands are running low. I would get dazed to kill my haze.
2020.09.06 08:15 AJtony223 Lost in the haze and confusion
This is my first post here, and I'm really happy that I made this step to actually come here as a symbol of my choice to change.
Im a 25yo male, in a relationship,
My battle began when I first tried to quit porn and mastrubation around 3 and a half years ago, the reason being that it consumed a good chunk of my day, three times a day with no real benefit and return. As a note, I started looking at porn preeschool and mastrubation as well, I have a older brother and he and the neighboor showed me porno tapes and intreduced me to all of that, I was a small inocent child.
So I stopped and did nofap noporn, everything for 3 weeks and I started dating this girl, I liked her looks initialy, we started of liking time together, but I suffered bad self esteem issues and trust issues and was anxious all the time. I tried explaining to her how I feel, but she never had those types of expiriences so she never really understood me, we lacked emotional intimacy. We had sex, I tried to break up several times, she always told me to stay and try again. As the relatiomahip went on, I started having wierd fantasies, about threesomes, vouyerism, cuckolding etc. At first I tought its the porn coming out of my system.
We eventually did break up, I understood that if I can't be emotionally available, I can't give anyone the love and respect that they deserve.
The fantasies get crazier, I can't sleep because of them. I meditate daily and each meditation session its 10 mins of hc fantasizing and then I can relax.
I was off porn and mastrubation then for 2 months, really the best 2 months of my life. I struggled everyday but I managed, everything went for the better.
Then I started dating a friend of mine. Long story short, we have incredible sexual chemistry, but too, we don't understand eachother. At first I didn't want to have sex, but I tried so she doesn't feel unwanted (lack of boundaries) and over time became okey with sex.
We struggled badly, faught everyday, argued, accudes, it's really a destructive addictive relationship. She won't let me leave, and I'm so addicted to the sex that I always come back.
The thing is, we are both addicted to sex with each other. She crossed her every moral standard and I too, having sex after major fights where we were hurt.
Over the relationship we developed bdsm fetishes, and covertly cuckold fantasies. I'm so ashamed of them, that I can't sleep at night. My mind is consumed by the pictures, the high that my body craves. We become more and more opet to the idea of threesomes and hotwifing that I just can't live no normal life.
I need major help, I know this post is all over the place, I tried to put in as much as I could. I'm ashamed of my sexually bebaviour and tendencies. She is too, we both can't stop.
My brain is telling me to do it, to chase the high, but how could I live eith myself after that. I have major selfesteem isssues.
My porn and mastrubation use is slowly creeping in again as the stress of the relationship is unbarreble, another of my lines crossed, as before it was only porn to battle, now it's real life sex and a person and i'm lost and losing the battle...
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2020.01.07 10:29 knockedforsix Vouyer porn vids
Or at least I think. I'm not entiled to be told exactly when. I just get to work it out. His sentence and crime wasn't enough to get that courtesy.
It doesn't matter that he was found guilty of 2 counts of vouyerism, creation of child pornography, multiple counts of possession of child porn and possession of animal pornography.
It doesn't matter that he's done this before to other women. It didn't matter that he was on the sex offenders register when he did this to 3 women over a period of 10 years. 4 years of them to me, when I was just a teenager.
It doesn't matter that my testimony allowed the police to charge him, to take him off the streets. It doesn't matter that it cost me so much to testify. It doesn't matter that if the police had never have knocked on my parents door, I'd never have known what he'd done to me and I'd never have lost 2019.
It doesn't matter, because despite what it cost us to put him behind bars and find justice, he was never rehabilitated, one year behind bars wasn't long enough and he won't be monitored properly now that he's out. He's going to do it again. And theres nothing more I can do.
This isn't justice. It cost me so much, and it doesn't matter because it won't make any difference.
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2019.06.07 16:59 Carlislegendary Vouyer porn vids
How does one describe Brian De Palma? Many have accused him of being a misogynist for his films’ violent behavior towards women in thrillers such as Blow Out or Dressed to Kill. Others have commented that De Palma is just a knock-off of Hollywood legend Alfred Hitchcock, as De Palma uses similar formal techniques and even story ideas from classics like Rear Window or Psycho. Though many of De Palma’s movies have become significant within pop culture, most have nevertheless generated controversy for their recurrent use of graphic violence, themes of obsession, and voyeurism. Even if these criticisms of De Palma were entirely true, there’s no denying that his talent as a director or his widespread influence on other filmmakers. Indeed, Brian De Palma has proven again and again over his decades-long career to be one of cinema’s finest provocateurs, fascinated with how people can manipulate images and how those images can, in turn, affect others.
From the beginning of his filmography, De Palma has shown a fierce fascination with cinema and the art of creating images. His first feature in 1968, Murder a la Mod, features a young amateur filmmaker who shoots a cheap pornographic movie to make quick money. De Palma’s formal style itself shows the director’s love for the image; most of his films feature carefully choreographed long shots, split-screens of two separate places, and split-diopter shots that close in on an object or person in the foreground while also maintaining focus on something else in the background. Even De Palma’s recently released thriller Domino, despite a severely cut-down narrative, contains a shocking split-screen sequence that examines how recorded images of violence can easily spread online and thus turn into propaganda
De Palma’s earliest films were low-budget features shot in or around New York City. Three of these starred a young Robert De Niro, who was also beginning to make a name for himself in the film industry. The last and most famous of these early collaborations, Hi, Mom! (1970), was a dark comedy that introduced the themes of voyeurism and images that would become staples of De Palma’s later filmography. De Niro stars as Jon Rubin, a young man returning from Vietnam who has an idea to put a camera outside his window and film people in apartments across the street. Rubin at first gets financial help from an adult film producer and shoots footage of a middle-class family, a rich young playboy, and a college student involved with a black radical group. Rubin even decides to “create” films himself; he seduces a young woman in one of the apartments he spies on and has sex with her in her apartment after setting his camera to start recording after a certain time. Through Rubin, we see not only De Palma’s fascination with vouyerism (there are long sequences of each apartment and its inhabitants, some shots sped up for humor) but also with cinema itself. The girl Rubin dates and seduces on-camera is unaware she’s an actress in a film, showing how much deception inherently goes into making cinema.
The most famous scene of Hi, Mom! occurs after Rubin is fired. Desperately looking for easy money, he gets hired by the black radical group to play a part in a experimental theatrical performance, Be Black, Baby. Shot entirely on 16mm film, the sequence involves several wealthy white audience members going to the production set in an empty apartment building. The black actors running the show make the white people eat soul food and paint their faces black while they don whiteface. From there, the white audience members are terrorized and chased from room to room by the actors as an attempt for the white patrons to understand the “black experience.” Rubin plays a policeman who comes in at the end of the performance to further scare the audience before chasing them out of the building. At the end, the stunned white audience praises the show; the black actors are disappointed and one sourly remarks, “I don’t think they learned a thing.” Though the extended scene is also a hilarious satire of the New York underground theater movement, it also serves as another example of cinema as manipulation. Because of the intense performances by the black actors and Rubin, the white patrons are deceived into thinking they are in serious danger and forget that they are part of a performance until they are let free and given time to calm down.
After a string of successes in the 1970s including Phantom of the Paradise and Carrie, De Palma made several studio films in the 1980s, some highly commercial (Scarface, The Untouchables) and some were more personal psychological thrillers. Body Double, made immediately after Scarface was negatively received by critics and gained controversy for its graphic violence, was released as a bitter response to Hollywood animosity and was a twisted homage to Hitchcock’s Rear Window and Vertigo. After he catches his girlfriend cheating on him, unemployed actor Jake Scully (Craig Wasson) decides to house-sit for Sam (Gregg Henry) for several days. At the house before leaving, Sam shows Scully a telescope where he watches a neighbor (Deborah Shelton) do a seductive dance alone every night. Scully quickly becomes fascinated with the neighbor and begins stalking her around Los Angeles during the day. One night, Scully watches the neighbor become brutally murdered by a mysterious, disfigured man; he later discovers that the woman he saw each night dancing was a porn actress, Holly Body (Melanie Griffith), hired by Sam to make sure Scully would watch every night. Sam — wearing a mask to look like the disfigured man — killed the real neighbor, his wife Gloria, and used Scully as the perfect alibi.
Body Double is one of De Palma’s most unnerving works, examining our relationship to cinema and how audiences expectations can subjectively affect the images they see. Sam chooses Scully to become an unknowing witness because he knows Scully has recently lost his girlfriend and is lonely. Indeed, Scully projects his sexual desires on to the dancing woman, even following Gloria around as she shops in a mall or walks to the beach. Scully’s voyeuristic act of watching through a telescope implicates us the viewers as well, as we too become an audience to Holly’s erotic dance. After Gloria’s murder, a distraught Scully watches a porn channel and sees Holly doing the same dance she did for him in the window. From here on, Scully transforms from a passive audience member into an active participant; he auditions for a music video with Holly and introduces himself to her as a porn producer as a way to get the truth out of her. The music video itself — set to Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s single “Relax” — is a film within a film — as Scully plays a man wandering through a strip club and eventually seduced by Holly. Both within and without Body Double, we clearly see how cinema and its imagery can manipulate us, yet there is still a part of us that allows us to get tricked and deceived every time.
One of De Palma’s last Hollywood-funded movies, Snake Eyes was given negative reviews from critics and audiences alike, but it remains an essential De Palma film. Detective Rick Santoro (Nicolas Cage) goes to an Atlantic City boxing match to help guard the Secretary of Defense alongside an old friend Kevin Dunne (Gary Sinise), now a U.S. Navy Commander. When the Secretary gets fatally shot, the arena closes down and Santoro searches for suspects who might have been involved in a larger conspiracy. Most of the film is shown through Rashomon-style flashbacks; Santoro hears stories from different people about where they were and what they were doing when the shooting took place. Yet, Santoro soon realizes some of the statements he’s been given contradicts others — the recollections of witness Julia (Carla Gugino) reveal that Dunne’s story was fabricated and that he was part of the plan to kill the Secretary.
Much of Snake Eyes revolves around the objectivity of the surveillance camera as opposed to the memories of individuals. The film opens on newsreel footage of a storm outside the match and moves from one television to another. Santoro is first seen standing next to a pay-per-view reporter shown on a television and then moves off of the television screen and on to our own. Santoro only believes Julia’s story when he sees footage of Dunne meeting with the shooter minutes before the Secretary’s death. De Palma seems to recognize that a camera recording by itself is unbiased, but those images can easily be changed or constructed to show or hide the truth. When Dunne erases the surveillance video, the camera moves to a different news screen where corrupt casino owner Gilbert Powell (John Heard) lies to reporters about how the Secretary of Defense was killed. The Secretary of Defense was killed because Julia, a military manufacturer analyst, told him that the results of a new missile guard system supported by Dunne and Powell were faked so he would approve its use. Here, one can see a significant change in De Palma’s examination of imagery. In Hi, Mom!, Rubin comically seduces a woman to create an adult film; Sam creates the image of Holly’s dance to get away with murder in Body Double. On the other hand, images are erased or manipulated by military officials and corporation executives for large profits in Snake Eyes. The institutional corruption discovered by Santoro is so vast and widespread that De Palma’s original ending to the film (the casino washing away entirely in the midst of the hurricane) makes much more sense.
De Palma’s filmography of the last 20 years has been mostly independently financed and hasn’t received the same distribution or success as his previous work. Domino is the best example; De Palma had trouble with producers during filming, and a 140-minute rough cut of the film got shortened to the 89-minute version being released this week. Yet, despite all these troubles, there are still sequences within Domino that demonstrate De Palma’s artistry just as much in Body Double or Snake Eyes. No other filmmaker has so thoroughly examined our relationship with cinema and how its artificiality can deceive us. Even in his late 70s, De Palma is still thinking about how images can be manipulated, and in turn, manipulate an idea more relevant than ever in a world filled with billions of cellphones and a limitless global network.
Brian De Palma: Obsessed with the Image By Ethan Cartwright
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2019.01.28 08:41 Lonelyprobablydumb Porn vids vouyer
I've already made a post about this in another sub, but yeah my fiance is addicted to porn - but I didn't mention one thing. he got me into making it myself. now, it's a weird story, but since he's into vouyerism he managed to convince me to post myself to gonewild more than a few times, which yknow whatever, I didn't show my face or whatever. But I did well. like really well. I'm not trying to brag. I hate it. I was getting hundreds, then thousands of upvotes. in all fairness, I guess I'm fit and my body is nicely proportioned? but I never felt particularly attractive. appearently I'm wrong? but anyway. it made me more sad - because even though I'm pretty even by porn standards... it's not enough for him. even though over a thousand people probably nutted to me by now, it doesn't matter to him.. his vouyerism for me died down. the hentai is still better.
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2018.10.18 19:49 reddituser2806 Vouyer porn vids
If you see pretty suggestive revealing dressed girls on the street do you wish you could sex them or would a schizoid person lack the interest in that?
I am not talking about making the move or being in a relationship just want to know if the will is there and maybe some frustration from not being able to at the same time
various sources mention a schizoid would be disgusted by intercource and Asexuality
But same sources mention sexual interests such as vouyerism and excessive porn
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2017.11.20 17:48 superkamiks Vouyer porn vids
2016.01.15 10:27 NoFapPal Vouyer porn vids
I hate watching to people doing stuff and wanking to it, it make me feels very bad I suppose because your are doing like you are vouyering or something. What I like more are the streaptse and teasing of the girls, like if they are talking with you or send you a video.
Yes yesterday I did relapse (watching not cumming) I could not control myself and edge for hours looking this kind of videos. I did not cum as i am in my 23 day of streak and I dont want to loose. This edge looking at porn session was the results of installing baddo an add like Tinder, this type of adds give you the dopamine spikes everytime you pass to the next girl that we want to evitate. Also I was nticing the need of some dopamine in my body for a few days... I gues im still a hell of an addict.
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2014.11.22 02:47 usedtobeacreep Vouyer porn vids
it all started when I was 12 discovering porn for the first time. I was burnout on weed almost all the time and didnt really have a grasp on reality and oblivous to sexual taboos once I starting finding weirder porn except fucked up bdsm or pain shit. I started getting really into vouyerism and flashing videos and really didnt realize how fucked up it was. one time I came across a stepmom son type scene and I was really confused which led me to have an attraction to my step mom because as I started to believe she started to act like the porn actress. One day I was just in the living room just me and her and I had one of those random boners came up with out arousol or anything. She came in there and started vacuuming with a short skirt. I had a huge ripped whole in my pajamas and had a impulse to have my thing hang out and act like I didnt notice and Im 100% sure she saw it but didnt say a word and even sat down in the chair right across rrom me and had like a 5 minute conversation with me. Im pretty sure she might have have been drinking a little bit too and my thing was sticking out all the way right in between my thighs laying in a fetal position. I had a an enormous "Thing" for my age by the way and theres no way she didnt see it.. I had extreme arousal and my hormones were raging and too stoned like I said to realize how fucked up it is do that to your stepmom and what couldve happened if she said something about it. I did it several more times with each fueling me to go futhur. The worst moment was when I purposely opened the door all the way in my bathroom as I was butt naked as I asked her to grab me a towel and she didn't say anything about it. The most fucked up and last flash I did was when I was fucked up on xanax and there was a nurse taking care of my greatgrandma in an at her home type care/alternative to a retirement home. After we put my grandma to bed in the bedroom we watched tv in the living room together and I had a blanket almost over my knees and my thing was sticking out of my boxers and I knew she was looking at it and again I actēd like I wasnt noticing I dont think she was creeped out and she was even having a little coversation with me has I had a full hard on. That was my last time I flashed anyone which I was 14 and a half years old. A part of me started to realize what the fuck I was doing the next morning and I was disgusted with myself. My grandma died about 4 months after that moment and I almost triggered a mental breakdown but managed to block it out avoiding the nurse. I blocked it out for the next 3 years later when I quit doing drugs it is now all coming back to me because im now sexually mature and its fucking with me. I know the "victims" aren't emotionally disturbed and my stepmom and and I are somewhat close and never said anything about it. Im relieved they arent traumatized by it or anything but I cant get it off my mind how sexually fucked up I was and now I can't stand to have sexual relationships with girls anymore and I have no sex drive. Its fucking with me I need mental advice.
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2014.08.09 18:29 _schaffer Vouyer porn vids
I'll be pretty technical. My boyfriend (21) and I (19) have been together for two years and four months, we've been having sex for a long while and it's been great up until about 6-7 months ago. I've noticed during sex he doesn't come, he either stops and jacks himself off while kinda fingering me, (but it's obvious that he's just jacking off) or he just stops and I have to finish him for him.
The last month I've been staying with him, and I knew originally he would jack off pretty much ever day. But even when I leave for work and tell him I want him when I get back home, he still will jack off and throw his cum filled tissues in the trash as if I can't see them. It's literally like he can't keep his hands off of himself, or he would rather just do it himself.
Additionally, I've found he has over 40 porn magazines in his closet, along with a few movies. I've obviously already gotten over the fact that all guys no matter who what where or why will jack off. I'm just trying to figure out if he has a problem or what? Some of them are old from like 2008, but I've found some from the past year.
Foolishly a while back, I found sooo much porn on his laptop (whatever) But what hurt the absolute most was he also had pictures saved of girls that we both know and see, along with about 7 vouyer pics of two girls in public wearing yoga pants who he didn't know. Those two things very much so angered me and grossed me out.
I have forgiven him for now because I really do love him and want to be with him, but sometimes he grosses me out with whatever he does to himself. I'm worried if he's gonna take it further? Or if I should tell him to take it easy? Or make him throw out his gross magazines?
What do you think?? Is it normal to have that many magazines? Or take secretive pictures and save then?? I need help not only for our relationship, but for my happiness and my self consciousness
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2014.02.10 15:58 notexpectingthat I [21F] am dealing with husbands [22M] past and present kinks and confessions. Feeling totally worthless. Help please.
Sorry it's so long.....
My husband and I have been married just over for months now. Things are tough as we live with family, I'm still looking for work, and adjusting to living in a new place, but we're doing ok for the most part.
He's revealed things about his past to me that were very private and even embarrassing for him. while some have been hard to deal with at first, I try to remain calm and not judge him. I mean, it's the past and I'm his present so why worry about it? And if it bothers me it's usually only for a day and I'm back to being so in love that it doesn't matter (honeymoon stage is great).
To fill you in on his past confessions, he's into exhibitionism and vouyerism I believe it is. I sorta knew what they were but had to look up both. My sexual past is non existent before him. He was literally my first everything and I'm pretty far down his list. So when I looked them up, I had more questions. I asked how he acted on them. The answers were hard to take as some involved masturbating while watching people through open windows, sneaking into nudist communities, and looking online for girls and even one time, a guy to give him oral sex. All those things hit me hard, but I reminded myself that it was the past.
Another thing he does now that I find hard to deal with, is stare at other girls and then make comments. He's always claimed to be a "jokester" but it kills my confidence. He's more than once told me about wishing he could have banged this girl or that girl, spoken about my own family members being hot, or makes comments about how if in another life he had made it into the NFL or NBA he'd have never met me and he would have all the pussy he would want. It kills me. As soon as he notices though he just goes back to his lovey dovey self and pleads "jokester". He can often make me feel bad not only by what he's said, but then even more if I take him too seriously and don't catch the joke. Problem is is that I don't always think he's joking, but try giving him the benefit of the doubt and remind myself of his dry sense of humor.
The biggest thing happened last night though. We usually shower together, and as we did we started talking. I had caught him in a lie a couple days ago about smoking. We've talked about things before where he'll confess to something, but I can tell it's not the whole story or sometimes not even the truth. So I'll press him for the real story and it comes out three versions later. So after getting out of the shower I told him that I was tired of how I never get the truth from the beginning and told him that if there was anything I needed to know, I wanted him to tell me tonight. I kinda regret asking now.
He started by confessing to the times he's hidden smoking from me. I was disappointed, but quickly moved on. He then confessed to having jerked off in his car when I'm not with him. I get that guys and girls masturbate and watch porn. I'm not mad at him for that and told him I understood, that that's pretty much the only time he's alone. I told him to be careful that he not get caught, and just made sure he wasn't acting on his vouyerism kink by peaking in windows which he swore he wasn't.
Then he had 2 other past confession. First he told me that while jerking in his car, he would drive to an area that was well known for having prostitutes, and while he wouldn't pick one up, he'd pull up and wait for them to walk up and catch him masturbating and then drive off. I felt sick, but once again reminded myself that's it's the past and at least he never paid for one. But then came the second confession. He'd gotten a blow job from one in exchange for a ride. I instantly knew he'd paid for it. And asked him how much. He denied it cost him anything until he knew that he couldn't keep up that lie. He admitted to paying 10$.
Now I really felt sick. He was mine. I love him so much. I love pleasing him like that. And I now felt dirty. I just looked at him and made him promise none of that had happened after we got married. He couldn't. He couldn't promise me. I had to know so I pressed him till he told me what he's done since we got married. Idk if I should be thankful, but he promised me the only thing he's done is drive up to prostitutes while masturbating, waits till they see and then drives away. I felt better, but not for long. He's done it 5x since being married. Now I was crying. Somehow I had managed to not cry yet, but I couldn't stop how. He told me that I should knows how he loves seeing beautiful females like me and that he can't help it. I cut him off and cried even harder, yelling at him to never put me and prostitutes in the same category. He apologized and we sat in silence for a while.
I calmed down last night and we went to bed. I let him hold me and did kiss him goodnight, but waking up this morning I don't think I could again. I cant look at him. I couldn't kiss him if he asked. I'm dreading getting out from under the covers cause he'll see my body and I don't want him to. I feel worthless. I have no self confidence anymore. I feel like I'm not enough and I never have been. I feel stupid, and as I lay here thinking about all the times we've had sex, I wish I could take them back. I want my virginity back. I want everything I gave him back. It just hurts so much.
I don't have friends here. My closest family is three hours away. I've just never felt so alone, even being next to him. I just need somebody, and I'm looking for it in reddit.
Help me. I'm not sure how, but I just need help.
TL;DR it's really long but basically dealing with husbands kinks. Vouyerism. Exhibitionist. Prostitutes seeing him jerk off. Comments made about wanting to bang other girls. I feel worthless. Have no friends in a new city and just need to talk to someone.
Worst TL;DR EVER. sorry
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2013.06.18 16:19 Highlander83 Vids porn vouyer
Hi fellow Fapstronauts,
I have joined this community to share my story with you, to keep you up to date about my experiences along the way and to get and give support and encouragement. I never really had anyone to talk to about this - but thanks to this community i know now that i am not alone, that there are lots of other guys out there, facing the same problem!
I am not lying when i'm saying that NoFap is the hardest challenge i have ever faced in my entire life - but i want to stay strong and fight through it! Here is some info about myself - if you aren't interested, just skip it.
I am 29 years old now, turning 30 soon. I started masturbating when i was 12 and have been doing it regularly ever since. In the beginning i was experimenting, soon after that it turned into a recreational thing, "blowing off steam" - and soon it became a real habit. I have now been masturbating daily, often multiple times, since i was 14 years old.
I have been in numerous relationships, short and long term, had many sexual relations with girls (never had a problem though, no ED or anything.. ) - but was never able to give up porn and fapping.
Pornography was introduced at the age of 13-14 and has been a big part of my life since. It started with magazines, Playboys first, then the more explicit Hustlers etc.. Then the first hardcore porn videos, borrowed or taken from older friends/cousins. It didn't take long until i discovered the Internet and its possibilities. 15 years ago net porn was mainly pictures and 30 sec teaser clips from paysites, but this was enough to get me hooked on this crap. With the introduction of smartphones and data plans it became even easier - the whole world of porn, at the palm of your hand, everytime, everywhere.
My porn preferences have changed over the years. I used to watch the "usual" HC production movies, with famous HC stars .. (Jenna J., Tera P. ..). That worked fine, until i came across the first Gonzo and Amateur stuff. That totally blew my mind and soon its all i wanted to see - HC stufff totally lost its appeal to me.
For the last years, pretty much all i was watching was amateur movies/pics - its the only thing that turns me on now. The fact that these "normal" girls are somewhere out there and i got to see a glimpse of their wild side was the ultimate turn on for me. Selfshots, hidden cameras, couples filming each others, vouyer stuff, cellphone videos - the more "real" - the better.
But, as with all other things and novelties, the initial rush fades someday, and it started to become harder and harder to satisfy my need. The initial "recreational" wank, with images from my fantasy, had turned into a constant chase, a hunt for that one perfect image or that one video clip that would make me cum. Sometimes i would sit in front of the screen for 2-3 hours, ankles at my pants, wanking away, clicking from page to page, from website to website, to find that one picture or clip that i did not already know, that i had not already seen before. Pathetic. And sometimes i needed "more" - thats when i would watch the more graphic and brutal amateur stuff ... gagging, gangbangs, hitting, all that stuff .... the more degrading the better. It disgusts me now to think that i was watching this, that i used it to get me off. In RL i am in no way attracted to any of this, i would never, EVER want to have anything to do with it - i find it horrific and i feel bad for the girls who get forced or talked into doing sh*t like that. But somehow, during the years of fapping and without really realizing - i had become so desensetized, that this was the only thing that turned me on and gave me relief.
So I came, i cleaned up the mess - and thats when the guilt started to kick in. This feeling must have started maybe 4-5 years ago. This feeling of emptiness, of disappointment and regret - a feeling of anger, about the fact that i COULD NOT STOP - that i could not control myself.
I tried, numerous times, to quit - but never made it past 2-3 days,. These 2-3 days without wanking felt great, although it was hard, very hard at times - but every time it felt like a big black cloud was lifted of me. I felt like i had more energy and that I was a much happier person. When in a relationship, i didn't have to feel ashamed, of sneaking off to the bathroom with my phone, off sitting in front of my screen in another room, to look at porn and masturbate ..
But after 2 or 3 days, this urge came back, strong - almost like a voice in my head: Telling me to just look at some pictures .. nothing hardcore, just some pretty girls, just a little turn on. But of course it never stops there - once there, you go all the way - and i relapsed, time and time again.
I live a pretty decent live. I have a good job, am quite successful. I have a beautiful fiancee, a lovely home, i am active - i work out and do a lot of other sports. I look ok, not stunning or anything, but i'm content.
But there is this another side of me. I am anxious at times and insecure. My selfconfidence is low, altough i have accomplished a lot and a lot to be happy about and to be proud of. I am depressed, a lot. It only started a couple of years ago - medication helps a little, therapy did nothing for me.
I tried a lot of things, to help me with my anxiety and depression - medication, therapy, meditation (helps sometimes), working out and sports ... But i just cant shake it. And whilst i had that feeling, that my porn and masturbation habit had something to do with it - I was never quite able to point my finger at it.
Until now. I came across the mybrainonporn.com website a week ago, i watched the videos, read the research articles and the experience reports of other NoFappers - and it all started to make sense. I read more, on forums and the Reddit community - and i am now convinced, that this is what makes me feel miserable.
It is like i knew it - but i needed to hear your stories, to get the confirmation and the motivation to know that this is what i have to do!
I am super motivated that i can do it this time. I have started this journey last Wednesday, this is DAY 7 and so far i have been strong. The last days were great, i felt like a million dollars. Last night i slept bad, couldn't settle, today i am feeling pretty crappy. My mood is low, i'm quite depressed and the urge to just say Fu** It*, wip out my dck and start fapping to feel better is very high.
But i know that i cant. I want to get through this, i've had enough. I do not want to be a slave of porn and masturbation any longer - i want to be in control of myself, my life and i want to use all that time and positive energy for something productive and creative, instead of squirting it into a tissue and throwing it in the bin.
Thank you for your support guys, i will keep you posted. If you have any questions - let me know! STAY STRONG!!!
submitted by Highlander83 to NoFap [link] [comments]