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2020.09.26 00:58 Thedesiman Sissy dominated

This story is copied from internet many years ago. Although it's a work of fiction but it's a good one. So I am sharing this will all of you.
I am a sissy faggot I live in st Louis mo im in the closet no one knows i dress in femine clothes I was married when I was 20 and straight after a year I caught her cheating on me , we only had sexy 3 times I couldn't get hard with her , I was allways thinking of men, masters, tops, at home I stole her panties bras high heels lip stick, and would dress around the house, after the divorse I got the house and I started to wear panties to work everyday and shave my legs smooth , somedays i wear stockings under my work clothes and butt plugs ,my toe nails are bright pink allways ,, i hope no one catches me then on weekends I would dress up all weekend long , I then shaved my armpits and cock and balls ,, I was now smooth from the eyeballs down ,,
im very scared at being blackmailed and exposed and ruined but i have many fantasys like this one.
i wish i was caught and exposed as a sissy faggot cumdump by a dom black or white master or mistress online but i get embarrassed about thinking about being forced to be with a gay master . I meet him online in a sissy chat room we chat for a week or so and one night he says he has a new softwere program that is faster in chat and he asked me to install it . he uses the softwear program teamviewer to get into my computer and findout all my secrets , once i installed it he got on line with me and he made me watch as he added him self as the adminstraighter and he told me the computer was going to go to black screen for about 20 mins and for me to take a shower and shave really close and get dressed femine , in the mean time he added programs like keylogger , spy softwear, parental control softwear, mint. com , and webcam softwear, all to find out my info and blackmail and ruin me
he found out my passwords and email contacts and where i worked the first night , the next day he found out my home address and credit card numbers my home phone number and cell phone number , he slowly started to expose me and ruin me . hes goin to make me into his white sissy slave , i cant do anything he controls me now , he embarrasses me and humilates me my online master then told me that he was a dominate gay master and he was a cop in city that he lived in and that he can do anything he wants to me , because whos going to believe a sissy over a cop ,, he says he owns me now and that fun going to begin,, my black master found out i had being lieing about being single and that i had a girlfriend of two years and he made me get dressed like a slutty school girl and hold up my drivers licence to my face and say my real name and then say my sissy name and then say im a lieing sissy faggot and that I going to break up with my girlfriend so can serve my online black master forever and then I had to call her and break up with her over the phone on speaker phone so he would be able to hear everything she said while he watched me on webcam . I had no idea I was being recorded doing this , after that he made me dress femine everyday after work , made me wear girls shorts and tops in public, then made me buy a tiny thong bikini online that he picked out and then go to a tanning bed everyday in it and show him the thong tan lines he made me buy a months worth of tans, he watched me get dressed in girls work out short shorts and girls tops that say diva or princess on them , with bright bras underneath and pink lipstick and no wig , then go run errands like to the post office or bank exposing myself as a sissy making sure to take pics outside of them to prove i was exposing myself. making me call up on 3 way calling so he could listen as i called nail salons and made appointments using my sissy name to get my nails done making sure i prepay using my male name so i cant call and cancel. making me call to get my eyebrows waxed and shaped in a femine arch at a different salon everytime...then after i was off the phone he would call them back and tell them what he wanted them to do to me ,,, i didnt know he called them back ,, he would send me to the mall to get my ears pierced . then sent me to a tattoo parlor wearing a fem boy look with pink lipstick on and get my tongue pierced and buy a few tongue rings and barbells, and a large pink cock shaped one, a few weeks later I had to go there again and get my nipples pierced and gold rings installed, every time I went the girl at the desk laughed at me and told me most real men would never get there nipples pierced or wear lipstick , then a couple weeks after that I had to go back again and get my belly button pierced and buy a ring and a charm that says SISSY from the same girl so embarrassed , then my black master made me buy a cb6000s chastity device online one he picked out for me and watched me buy form his computer and he sent me his lock in the mail with no key , he made me get on web cam and open the ups box and beg to lock my clit up with his lock. he showed me the key in his hand, and now he owns my clit no more hardons no more cumming with permission ever . he started making me take a chemical castration pills that he sent me UPS he made me open it up on webcam and beg over and over again to take the pills so my clit would shrink and not get hard again. if i didnt he was going to make me get castrated by a doctor he knows . my black master my owner then sent me out again to the tattoo parlor and he sent a tattoo design too , he told me to prove im a black owned white sissy boy and get a Ace of Spades tattoo to be tattooed on my left ass cheek , and to get 2 small black panther paw prints on my chest ,buy then everyone in the tattoo shop knew I was a sissy fag and they asked me if I really wanted the tattoos , I told them yes I want everyone to know I love black men, my black master set up a paypal account with my creditcard and made me start buying stuff for him on his wish lists , i watched on my computer as he drained my bank accounts and he made me take out more credit cards in my name and have them sent to him. from different card companys , each day for a week he made me go online and apply for a different card , he then made me send him my tax forms from the last five years so he knew where all my money was , and made me change my direct deposit paycheck from my full time job to his bank account, and at my work he made me cash in my 401 k early all 80,000 dollars sent straight to his bank totally ruining me he made me get a second job on the weekend days at target so that i could earn more money for him and have every penny of my new job go right into his account by direct deposit , that way i never see a dime of my pay check, he made me watch on my computer as he made ads on Gay dating web sites and upload my pics and fill in all the info about me , my location , so I can hook up with gay guys in my town, I couldn't believe he was doing this , and meet them asap , for quick blowjobs ,he told me he knew I wasn't gay but he didn't care he was going to turn me totally gay and I will never get pussy ever again, I started to cry on web cam, he was laughing at me , he would make me watch as he logs in on these gay web sites and chat with guys in my town and tell the I was a sissy and I need to swallow a load right now , then he would send them my cell phone number and make me answer every call on speaker phone so he could hear me set up a date and time for me to suck them off. thats when he started making me pay a fag tax every week of 5 dollars for every cock i sucked and 10 for every time i got fucked, every week he would tell me how many strangers i had to suck off at xrated book stores or from craigslist ads he placed , there were lots of penaltes if i didnt suck off the right amount of guys , high interest rates, every week the amount of cocks i sucked off would increase,so i had to pay more and more .. my black master then started making more craigs list ads, back page ads, and adam for adam ads,for me ,making me meet strangers for blowjobs, then he found a few more adult book stores near me and made me go to the glory holes booths and suck off strangers and send him pics immediately almost every night sometimes right from one store to the next, then he finnally made me get fucked bareback only by multyple strangers no condoms that way my hole was full and my panties were full of cum , then he found a few gaybars by me and truck stops to go suck off real truckers , he made me buy a cell phone with GPS tracking on it so he could track everywhere i went .. all over town ,, so he knew if i was in the book store sucking off strangers for hours or at the tanning salon or at the truck stop or rest areas looking to be used as a cumdump sence he was a cop he found out were the real hookers in st louis would walk the streets and get picked up and arrested , he would make me get dressed up like a street hooker on web cam and make me take the bus down town to the block were the real hookers would pick up tricks and I would have to take pics outside a pawn shop and wear my Bluetooth ear piece and walk the streets while he talked to me telling me what to say to strangers when they pull over ,, he would make me charge 20 for a handjob and 30 for a blowjob, he would listen as I got in car after car sucking off strangers , he would make me stay out there for hours until I earned 200 dollars ,I was so scared I would get arrested and put in jail. he tracked me on GPS all night long so I couldn't get away. he next day made me go to best buy and get 8 survailince cameras and install them in every room in my house and install the softwear on my computer so that he can watch me on his computer at all times ,, even in the bathroom , about that time he made me call a doctors office on 3 way calling and make appointment to see a doctor he knew , I had to tell the nurse on the phone that I was a male looking for female hormones to start growing breasts and that I would like the earliest appointment I can get ,, I had to give her my male name and address and phone number so embarrassing, my master had already told the doctor I wanted the strongest expermintal female hormones they have and I wanted huge tits and big implants and my nipples to stick straight out 24/7 , I didn't know any of that when I went to see the doctor my master made me dress like a male fem faggot boy with a little lip stick and a pink bra under a womens sheer blouse and NO WIG , so everyone was looking at me , I had answer a few questions from the nurse and the doctor came in to see me he was a big black doctor and he pinched my nipples and told me I will make fine looking girl and me pulled out a niddle and injected something right into both of my breasts , and then he made me sign a lot of papers with out me reading them , and then he gave me a prescription for a 3 month supply and for me to take them 2 pills 3 times a day , and make another appointment for 3 months . my master made me start taking them right away and he made me start taking them on webcam and making me take more then the doctor ordered , and after 2 weeks my nipples were getting hard all the time and my breasts were sore and getting swollen he keep making me tell him how big I wanted my tits to be 36c and he would tell me that he wants them at least 38 dd or bigger and for them to look totally fake after I get my implants ?? after I earn enough money sucking off strangers walking the streets for implants he told me.. all this took about 8 months or so then my black daddy made me take out a second morgage on my house, each time i went to the bank i was dressed more and more girly ,my black master would make me dress on web cam the way he wanted me to dress a little femine then he would make me use skype on my way to the bank so that he can watch me then at the bank he made me were a blue tooth ear piece so he can tell me what to say to the female bank employee .so embarrassing, he contolled all my money now he made me shut off cable tv i was never home any more i was out sucking off strangers he made me walk into my kitchen and he made me throw out all my food , suger, flour , cookies, all canned goods , made me clean out my frig , nothing at all was in there , all my cabents were totally empty of every thing , no food in the house at all, he wanted me on a strick diet so I can lose 30 lbs, he sent me to the store to buy ramon nuddles only a months worth, thats all I was allowed to eat, ,i was on strick diet of ramon nuddles and cum form strangers . made me get on ebay as he watched then he made me upload pics of my car and sell it fast for cash and then send him the money fedx .then I had to cancel my car insurance,and then I had to cancel my heath insurance, i had to walk or take the bus to work now and and then I had to give all my male clothes away at goodwill ,except a few male work clothes, he gave me a small allowance each week my owner then made me buy a you tube of superglue , and then get dressed up in a bright pink bra and pink stockings and frostie pink lipstick , and then get on a live gay chat room and open my web cam and start following orders from strangers after 30 mins my master started sending me orders seat on a 9 black dildo and bounce up and down, after that he made me get the tube of superglue and show the camera it was brand new , then he send me a order for me to beg him over and over to squeeze the superglue into the padlock key hole on my chastity device , telling me to say how I am a loser white faggot and I don't need my tiny clit anyway and how I cant get hard anymore and how I wish I born a real girl , please master allow me to superglue your lock shut forever , I beg you over and over again,, after 10 mins , you finally give the order to do it ,, I put the webcam down next to my clit and squeeze the superglue right into the keyhole filling it up , after that my master started laughing at me and told me that now that ive proven myself to him that I quess he doesn't need to hold onto the key anymore and then he told me he was going to throw it into a lake today when he goes out .
two days later he made me get dressed like street hooker and beg him to allow me to cut up all my own credit cards up on web cam as he watched he made me tell him my real name and that I didn't need my credit cards any more because I don't know how to deal with money because I was a white sissy faggot and he laughed and showed me that he has the ones the bank sent him in his hands now . the bills kept coming to my house for every card he had , he would max out one and then make me call the card company on three way calling and i had to get the credit line incressed for that card , after i hung up he would laugh at me and tell me what a loser i was and how this was never going to end he was going to blackmail me forever and totally ruin me ,, the next day was friday and my black master made me call in work sick and get dressed like a bimbo cumslut. in bright pink micro mini skirt, white thigh high stocking bright pink 5 in open toe heels that are locked on , a pink and white crop top that has the words SISSY BOY on the front in glitter , i large black inflatable butt plug is in my ass pussy ,a red g string pulled up high and red 36 d cup bra that i have large filled water ballons , a leather collar on that says CUMSLUT.my make up is pink frosted lipstick, and red lip liner ,heavy black eyeliner and i have big pink plasic ear rings on, my hair is blonde and big , i have on 2in long pink finger nails and im holding my pink barbie purse. then he told me go outside and get in the car because today your going to the DRIVER LICENCE OFFICE and when i pulled up outside the office he made me put on my blue tooth ear piece and ordered me to go inside and get the form to legally change my name . now get out of the car and go get your sissy named changed FOREVER . he waited till i got the form and then he said to start filling out the form and wear it says new legal name he made me put SISSY PATTIE SWALLOWS . and then take a picure of the form and send it to him before i turned it in ...then after i turned it in i had to go get your new driver licence picture done . or he said he will email everyone on my contacts list your boss, your parents, and your x wife , all the pics of you sucking all those cucks and swallowing all that cum, do you under stand sissy faggot
then after 14 months my master made me sell my house real quick to a guy he called and sent all my info too about my house he made me meet him dressed like a sissy hooker in my own house while he watched on web cam i had to sign every paper where it said my name i had to sign both names then i had to suck him off and let him fuck me bareback and sign the last paper as he shot his cum deep in my hole and then go to the bank and send all 300,000 dollars to his bank account every penny then in 2 weeks i had to move into a lowrent apt he picked out on the web in the black part of town,and i was to openly be a gay white sissy there and never lock my front door ever, no drapes all windows unlocked, he made me sell or give away all my furnature bedroom set , kitchen table , tv, everything in my old house was gone , everything I didn't sell I had to rent a big dumpster and he hired a couple of guys to totally clean out the rest of my house while I was at work and all my pictures family photos everything was now gone . my entire old life was now gone forever.. he wanted everything in my run down apt to be totally girlie and femine, and only furnature I can have is a couple of lawn chairs and a pink girlie bedroom set , with pink sheets and bed spread , he then made me start putting in applacations in at girlie jobs and the gaybars putting my new name sissy pattie swallows on every form until i got hired as a waiter at the gay bar down the street from my new apt i had to walk to work every night and then walk home after every night. after I got the job at the gay bar I had to work there for a 2 weeks doing both jobs not getting home tell 2am then going to work at 7am, finally my master made me get all my male work clothes , pile them up on the table and get a pair of sizzers and he told me to start cutting them all up into small pieces , every thing male I had left was now gone,, I was crying , he told me I didn't need anything male ever again,
thats when my BLACK MASTER finally did it and made me watch on my computer as he typed up my letter quiting my job , and attaching 10 different pics of me dressed femine and slutty sucking strangers cocks with cum on my face and in my mouth , and then making ME beg over and over on web cam to push send on my computer, i cried and finally did it that night i had to get dressed as a sissy boy and go to the same tattoo parlor that he sent a design too and prepaid and get a tramp stamp in 4in high letters(SISSY CUMDUMP) , now i have to work at a gaybar wearing girls shorts shorts g string underwear cb 6000 and cute crop top a pushup bra and bright pink lipstick and NO WIG
submitted by Thedesiman to Sissy [link] [comments]


2020.09.03 22:58 SloppyEyeScream Spy cam caught cheating

TLDR: Karen Accused My "Heathens" of Waking Her Child; Now I Wake Him on Purpose!
My crib-midget has evolved into a min-human, and my mini-human is now in an adult male body which is, unfortunately, still outfitted with a teenage brain. Don't worry though, he knows everything! I myself have a late-30s model body, but my teenage brain is coming along well. That said, my loving wife is still able to maintain her sanity with 2.5 boys and .5 male adults in the house. However, the house was too small and we needed more leg room. We decided to move on up!
The new house is everything we wanted. There is ample room for the growing family. The boys would conquer the upstairs, and even have their own bathroom to grow "science experiments." They occasionally fail to brush their teeth but you can most certainly count on them to piss in/on everything except the toilet. Cake, my 11YO mini-human, shares my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and keeps his room in working order. Kelly, my 15YO Man-Child genius? Well, just don't touch that sock under his bed. Typical boy-shit I suppose.
My wife and I now had a backyard. We had a two-car garage to store her Christmas and Halloween decorations. The neighborhood is gorgeous, and I can literally walk to the clubhouse and play a round of golf. The cul-de-sac we live on is dominated by currently serving or retired military families. Everyone was extremely welcoming at the Home Owners Association (HOA), and the neighbors were all friendly. Well, at least for the moment!
I have read about neighbor horror stories. I have seen them on television. I never in a million years thought I would live next to "them". I am a gunfighter by trade. Believe it or not, I don't like war. I like my job, but I don't enjoy the carnage of war. I am a realist though. I would totally cast my ballot for World Peace; but I know it only takes one asshole to ruin it for everyone. My immediate neighbors became those assholes.
Enter the Entitled Parents: Kevin and Karen. They seemed nice at first. They were both really helpful, especially Kevin. Kevin had served in the Air Force, and Karen was a stay-at-home mother. They enlightened me regarding the neighborhood, the quality of the area schools, and told me the tips and tricks to avoid any hassle with the HOA. Fucking great, right?
Coronavirus (COVID19) Zombie Apocalypse
The onset of COVID19 forced the school district to cancel the remainder of the school year so the boys didn't turn into zombies. However, the mass hysteria allowed my humanoids to become semi-professional Fortnite gamers, whom smelled like ball-funk, and survived on soda and Zebra Cakes. They were quickly becoming chubby-bunnies. I, being neighborly, informed Kevin and Karen that I would be in the market for a portable basketball hoop to combat childhood obesity and Type II Diabetes.
Side Note: I remember shit. It can be quite literally a matter of life or death in my occupation so I remember things vividly!
OP: Pleasantries, some other words, "I am thinking about getting a basketball hoop for the boys."
Karen: That's great. It's so good to have young children in the neighborhood again.
Kevin: You know you can't put it in the street right? It is against HOA rules. (Kevin is a rules guy!)
OP: Well-aware. I will be putting it on the back pad.
Karen: That's great. If the ball ever goes over the fence just tell them to come get it.
Awesome! It was a positive interaction, and they had no issue. Onward to Walmart!
My children are well-behaved. They may act like little shit-heads to each other and inside the house, but they are both kind and courteous to others. Despite Karen's instructions, I told them to knock on the door if the ball ever goes over the fence. So they did.
First Bounce-Over
My Door: Knock. Knock. Knock.
OP: Hey Kevin. How can I help you?
Kevin: (Annoyed) The ball went over the fence.
OP: Did the boys knock and ask to get it?
Kevin: Yes. I just wanted to let you know.
I spoke to my wife afterwards. "That was odd," was all I could think. Is the guy going to let me know each time the ball goes over the fence? Maybe I should knock on his door? "Hey Kevin. Just wanted to let you know that your car is parked in the driveway." This process quickly became a routine for Kevin; Kevin became a self-licking ice cream cone. Kevin came over six times over the course of about three months. My wife began keeping tallies because it was odd and, but somewhat comical. Then shit started to get real.
Cake came running in the house scared. He had tears in his eyes, and he was continually reiterating, "I didn't do anything wrong." Nobody has accused me of being "Worlds Best Dad" so I was wondering if he did in fact do something wrong. I forgo waterboarding Cake, this time, and ask what he is talking about. Cake stated, "Karen is recording me." What? I look outside and sure-as-shit, I see Karen, at the fence, and pointing her cellphone at me as if it was a loaded gun. I think, "well fuck my tits," because I know my wife is going to lose her shit. She did!
My wife is dainty, but she quickly turned into a 4'11 Muhammad Ali. Man, it took every fucking ounce of verbal reasoning for me to stop her from physically rearranging Karen's face-meat . In addition to remembering things for work, I have to be well-read regarding the laws that govern me as an American, and the locals laws. I knew Karen's tactic to scare and record Cake was immoral and unethical, but it was perfectly legal. This didn't sit well with my wife though. I reminded the wife that I have a doctorate in revenge from Fuckery University (FU), and this would not go unanswered. I can be a prick too, but I am a methodical prick.
I did my best to erect makeshift barriers as a temporary solution. It was not perfect, but at least it showed that we were doing everything in our power to prevent balls from going over the fence. I also submitted plans for a permanent structure to the HOA. I was going to build a hanging herb garden wall, but it required approval before construction could start. The typical approval timeline was two weeks, but in addition to shitting on earth, COVID19 also shit on the approval process. I was in limbo. Tragically, another basketball fell victim to the senseless violence. It was the ninth basketball in approximately eight months. The kids were terrified to ask for their basketball back, and it wasn't even worth the hassle anymore. That didn't stop Kevin though.
Ninth Bounce-Over
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Ken: OP HOME?
Wife: Yes, but he injured his back. How can I help you?
Ken: Get OP please. (I should mention that Kevin is outwardly sexist and is not a fan of "coloreds".)
Wife: Kevin, OP, can't even walk right now. How can I help you?
Ken: The basketball went over the fence again. It needs to stop. They need to stop playing basketball. (He was now telling my wife how to parent. Good luck buddy!)
Wife: I am sorry the ball went over the fence. We continue to tell the children to be careful, but I am not going to tell them they can't play basketball in their own yard.
Ken: You'll tell your boys to stop playing. If the ball comes over the fence again. We are calling the cops! Tell your boys to stay out of our yard. They're trespassing!
Wife: If you want to call the cops then you go ahead and do it. However, the boys DO NOT go in your yard at all anymore.
I was losing my shit in the bedroom. I could hear the conversation, but I physically could not make the front door. I managed to slide off the bed and began my Army-crawl to the door, but I was late. My wife was fuming and I was pissed, and pathetically crawling on the floor. Yay back injuries! We had no intention of starting a war, but the boys were doing nothing wrong. We had informed Kevin we were getting a hoop, and they had zero issues with it. What the fuck was going on?
Tenth Bounce-Over
The cops are called! The OP CITY Police Department (PD) sent two cruisers. The children may be 11 and 15, but all be damned if they don't go down without a fight. One cruiser was not going to suffice, you'd better send two for my miscreants. I just sat in my garage man-cave and watch it all play out. The cops go to the neighbors house first. They are there for more than a hour and I can only assume we are being painted as horrible neighbors. Oh well! It is now pitch dark outside and I was startled by the time an officer approaches.
Officer John Kimble: Hello? Sir!
OP: Holy fuck! You scared the shit out of me!
Officer Kimble: Sorry, Hi, I am Officer Kimble with OP CITY PD. How are you doing this evening?
OP: Typically I would say fine, but I don't typically have a cop in my garage.
Officer Kimble: I understand. The reason we are here is because the neighbors called about trespassing. Now, they said nobody went in their yard today, but they want you to understand they will press charges next time.
I was baffled. I did my best to maintain my composure, but I am certain my face was screaming, "Are you fucking serious?" Officer Kimble then pointed at his body camera and mouthed, "Recording," and then gave me a "thumbs up" gesture. I immediately ceased the opportunity to fuck with him. Sorry, it's in my nature.
OP: Do you want another beer? You can't just drink one!
Officer Kimble: (Laughing) WHAT? I didn't have a beer with you.
OP: (Laughing as well.) I'm kidding, and we are fully aware of their intent to press charges. I will be sure to do my best to prepare my boys for the rigors of prison life too. I think jail will be good for them too; may even toughen them up a bit!
Officer Kimble: (Laughing) Okay Sir. I just want to ensure that you are aware. Ideally, we would like to see neighbors talk things like this out, and not call the cops. Unfortunately, this is what it's come to. I just want to ensure you are aware.
OP: Tracking!
Officer Kimble: You have a good evening Sir.
OP: Thanks.
Officer Kimble then walked back to his patrol car. He didn't leave though. I assume he was just finishing mundane paperwork, but he was there for at least 20-minutes. Then, much to my surprise, he returned, and was a completely different Officer.
Officer Kimble: Hey man!
OP: Back for that beer?
Officer Kimble: (Laughing) NO! Sorry man! I have to play the game for the body cam.
OP: I hear you. I occasionally wear one at work, but it only cuts back on my cussing. People still get shot!
Officer Kimble: You Army?
OP: Yup!
Officer Kimble: Cool. What do you do?
OP: Shoot fist, shoot often, and have my story straight before the cops arrive!
Officer Kimble: (Laughing ) I figure as much after looking at all your stuff here. I just wanted to talk to you without the camera. They really seem eager to press chargers if your children are caught in their yard.
OP: (Laughing.) My wife and I have concluded that.
Officer Kimble: That lady is bat-shit crazy. My God! She demanded we arrest your children tonight!
OP: Tonight?
Officer Kimble: Yes! She said they trespassed before, and she wanted to press charges now.
OP: (More laughing.) I am sorry you have to deal with this brother. I really am. I can ensure you that they have never gone in their yard without permission. Not once. They are terrified of her. She taunts them from the other side of the fence and records them. Seriously, they are scared of her. We now chalk the balls up as a lose.
Officer Kimble: I believe you. There is something not right with that lady. She said the basketball wakes her son up, and she will not hesitate press charges. I told her we would do our duty, but I don't think the magistrate will not view the situation kindly if we arrest two children for playing basketball. She clearly does not care though. I just wanted to chat with you, and without the body cam. I can't exactly call her crazy while it is running.
Officer John Kimble stayed for another hour. He was impressed with the collection of war memorabilia and the setup of my garage man-cave. He was specifically intrigued with my Nintendo and working copy of Mike Tyson Punch-Out, among other classics. Yes it's certainly fucking cool, but it has little to do with the story.
SHIT, MET FAN!
My wife was mowing the grass, and I was currently doing shit I never thought would be a priority of mine; planting a new flowerbed. Kevin and Karen had just returned from another Chick-fil-A run. Then the unthinkable happened. Kevin exited the car and immediately approached me, and he was angry.
Kevin: Your boys went into my yard and got a ball today. They may think we didn't notice, but we did. You need to tell those boys to stay out of my yard or...
OP: Wait a fucking minute! I don't tolerate people who lie, cheat, or steal, and you are lying right now.
Kevin: Your boys were...
OP: We were at an all-day soccer tournament in DIFFERENT STATE. We have only been home for a couple hours. They have not played any basketball since we have been home. You're lying!
Kevin: Well, we are sick of them getting balls from our yard without permission.
OP: Look Kevin, I get it! However, you fail to recall when your wife said the boys were more than welcome to go in the yard and...
I didn't even get to finish when I heard the screech of Karen. I know my writing style is "different" to say the least. I wish I was better. I do not have the words to accurately articulate the sound Karen made, but I will do my best. It was like the tyrannosaurus from Jurassic Park making love to to a nuclear explosion during a tornado, but way fucking louder. The only thing that honestly makes this worse, and I fucking kid you not, is that she is a dead ringer for Carole Baskin (Tiger King.) Not "maybe a little," but more "Holy fuck Carole Baskin is your neighbor" type of resemblance.
Karen: I NEVER SAID THAT. I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT.
She screamed at the top of her lungs a mere inches from my face. I could smell the Meow Mix bellow from here scream-factory. Meanwhile, Kevin pulled a fucking Houdini and vanished. Kevin is a passive-aggressive asshole and direct confrontation scares him off.
OP: Yes. You did.
Karen: I NEVER SAID THAT. YOU'RE WRONG.
OP: Whatever. It's not even worth it.
Karen: I AM SO SICK OF YOUR HEATHENS GOING IN MY YARD. YOUR HEATHENS BETTER NOT GO IN MY YARD AGAIN OR I WILL HAVE THEM ARRESTED. I KNOW THE LAW.
The, "I know the law statement," really rubbed me wrong. I was about to open my mouth and respond by my wife was on her like stink on shit, which led me to believe Karen is louder than a lawnmower. My wife was still seething about Karen recording the humans.
Wife: They don't go in your yard, and they are good children. They are not heathens! You better STOP RECORDING MY CHILDREN.
Karen: Oh shut up. You guys are white trash. Your children play in the street and run around the neighborhood like criminals. They broke my mulch too.(Yes. She said they broke the mulch.) Everybody knows you're trash. Just. Stupid. White. Trash.
I am now thinking, "Oh fuck," and semi-worried about Karen's future health as an active participant of living humans. I think my wife wanted to expire Karen's shelf-life.
Wife: Excuse me? My children never play in the street, you're recording them, and...
Karen: Just shut up! YOU'RE STUPID. YOU'RE JUST PLAIN STUPID. I CAN RECORD THEM IF I WANT. NO WONDER YOU DON'T HAVE JOBS
Wife: I HAVE THREE ADVANCED DEGREES. WE ARE WORKING FROM HOME. WE ARE NOT...
Karen: You are! YOU'RE TRASHY AND STUPID, AND BOTH YOUR CHILDREN ARE STUPID.
I had enough. There was no point in arguing either. Mark Twain stated to, "Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience." Mark is correct, and Karen was trying to drag us down. Well, I don't know why, but I remember something that Kevin discussed with me when we first moved in; the fucking trees!
They have a large maple tree, and they have a juniper tree. Kevin always told me they were "in the process" of contracting a company to crown and lift the maple tree. Furthermore, they were going to get the juniper tree off my fence. Dear Reader, I know the law too. I can legally trim anything that goes over my property line. Now all those pointless conversations were making sense. It was my time to join this exciting game called pettiness!
OP: Karen. You have until Sunday to get your juniper off my fence.
Karen: Shut up. I told you we were going to get it handled this fall.
OP: It's June. You have until Sunday
Karen: Or What?
I allow my wife to rejoin the conversation, and I retreat to the garage. The I grab my clippers, and prune a good couple inches of the juniper tree, and lay them at her feet. Cue T-Rex fucking a volcano voice!
Karen: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? I TOLD YOU IT WILL BE DONE THIS FALL.
OP: You have until Saturday now.
Karen: You are dumb too. Just like your wife aren't you?
My intelligence may have been debatable, but I suppose it was time to repeat the process?!? I now return with about two feet of tree, and place it at her feet. I am like Mo-mo-McFucko of fuck-fuck lady!
OP: You have until Friday!
Karen: You better not touch my tree again. I will call the cops and have you thrown in jail tonight. You're so dumb aren't you? Now I see where you children get it from.
OP: I know the law too Karen. I will be back in a minute with some more of your juniper tree!
Karen: KEVIN. KEVIN. KEVIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNN!
I again return to the tree. I now have another two feet of juniper tree to place at her feet. The more she screams the smaller her tree becomes. It was an enjoyable game of cause and effect. Meanwhile, I see Kevin and Kevin Jr running like Usain Bolt to secure their tree with tow straps.
Karen: I hope your happy. You are terrible people! You are both terrible parents, and your children are heathens. I am sick of ball bouncing and waking my son up too. You people need to move. Your just horrible parents. HORRIBLE. (Screaming louder) HORRIBLE PARENTS.
Dear Reader, I had enough. I was at critical mass; I was going to explode. Karen continued to yell at my wife and I was zoning out. It was comical to watch Kevin and Kevin Jr secure the tree to their porch in order to get it off the fence. Once complete, they quickly made their way back to the one-sided screaming party.
Karen: Horrible parents. Look with they did to my poor tree.
Kevin: I think we should call the cops dear.
Karen: HORRIBLE PARENTS! I feel sorry for your kids and...
OP: Just shut the fuck up! I raked up 21 bags of leaves this past fall. Twenty-One. Funny, because we don't have a tree in our backyard. I pulled an additional bags worth of leaves and branches from my gutter. Not from "my tree" either. It was from your tree. You know what Kevin? I didn't bitch. I didn't knock on your door an complain.
Kevin: Yeah, and?
OP: We live in a suburbia. This shit happens. They are kids; kids fucking play outside! I don't want the ball in your yard either. You accuse of them of being in your yard. You also accuse them of "BREAKING MULCH". How in the fuck do you break mulch? Are you fucking serious? Really?
Karen: Yes really. Maybe you should learn how to parent your horrible children.
OP JUST FUCKING LOST IT (WAIT FOR THE SURPRISE!)
OP: Know what? That's the last time you question me about my parenting. My children are going to grow up and be productive members of our society. I find it comical that you have the audacity to question my parenting seeing how you have a (WAIT FOR IT) a 49 year old son living at your house for the past nine years. I assume it was because of the divorce and the bankruptcy he filed nine years ago? My children are waking your child up? Your child is a jobless 49 year old man living at home with mom and dad. Is he working on a startup? Prestige Worldwide maybe? Boats and hos!
Karen: (FUCKING BAFFLED) How do you know any of that? DO YOU GO SNOOPING THROUGH OUR MAIL TOO?
OP: I am good at what I do, and I found everything on online. I know you are 69, and lost your license due to reckless endangerment charge in 2017. I know Kevin Jr has 5 different moving violations and one DUI. I also know he was fired from his grounds-crew job with the HOA. I know your husband is 72 and wears the same fucking shirt everyday, so I can only assume that laundry is not a priority. I know your phone numbers, and email accounts. I know a lot of shit about you. YOUR CHILD IS 49 AND LIVES AT HOME. MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE MORE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR PARENTING AND LESS ABOUT MINE! We can have a civil relationship or we can have a war. Just remember this though, I AM GOING TO FUCKING OUTLIVE YOU!
They stormed in the house. They were not happy or impressed with my ability to figure shit out. It was not over for me though. They fucked with the wrong fuckhead. They were unaware of actions I took to keep the peace. For example, I never let the boys play basketball while they were outside eating dinner. I didn't let them play before nine or after seven. I tried. But they would play blare country music and enjoy the gorgeous weather an eat a meal. I never bitch about Garth Brooks on volume 100 while I watched the national news. I was teleworking, and I took fuckery up as a part-time job now.
I have wrestled since I was four years old. I was never much of a basketball guy. I am now though! Karen and Kevin had just sat down to enjoy their meal. I don't have to spy either. I can easily see them out my french doors as I watch the national news. I patiently waited for the sloth-speed fuckheads to get their outside dinner setting perfectly situated. I could hear Tim McGraw playing when I opened my french doors. I like music too, so I figured I would get my groove and play basketball.
OP: Alexa (Amazon) play Bitches Ain't Shit by Dr. Dre.
Alexa: Bleep and Bleep by Dr. Dre.
OP: Alexa. Volume 10
I have a new fondness for rap music and the game of basketball. This didn't stop Karen from recording my "heathens" on a daily basis. I know what I was about to do was petty, but I had zero fucks to give at that point. I had one last fuck you. It was my final card to play; an Uno Reverse Card of sorts!
My neighbors, across the street, and my family have bonded. He had a tree removed last week, and I had an epiphany. How much would it cost to trim a large maple tree that overhands my property? I am not talking a couple branches either, but more like one half of a more than 100 foot tree. I approached the tree removal company an offered them a sizeable chunk of change and informed them of my delicate problem. They said, "any friend of MY NEIGHBOR is a friend of theirs." Pro bono!
They move their large equipment over to my backyard and take their time getting ready. Guess who came running out of the house? No. Not Brad Pitt. Fuck. Get your shit together Reader. Karen and Kevin came running out.
Kevin: Hey buddy! (Buddy. Not fuckhead. Not horrible parent. Buddy!)
OP: What can I do for you?
Kevin: What are they doing here?
OP: Oh. Them (Points)?
Kevin: Yeah. What are they doing?
OP: Oh. Well, they are going to trim the tree?
Kevin: Just trim?
OP: Yup. Just a little trim!
Karen: You know that tree was a gift from our daughter right? We don't want anything drastic. It has been with us for over forty years now.
Kevin: Yeah. It was a gift from our daughter. How much are you thinking about trimming?
OP: Well. Just so you're aware, you understand that I can legally trim anything that overhangs my property? I have approval from my lawyer and the HOA to trim it. Frankly, I care as much about your tree as you do my children's privacy; I could fucking care less!
Kevin: How much are you talking about trimming then?
OP: My property line is here (I point) and it extends up (I point up) to space. I am going to trim every single branch that encroaches my property. So, probably about 1/3 of your tree. It's gonna look really fucking funny when I am done. Oh well.
Karen started to cry. It was a really, really ugly cry. There was no more rage left in her. She was defeated. Kevin was defeated as well. This was not my desire. Don't get me wrong, I don't care if she cried, but it was not my intent.
OP: Or YOU CAN STOP RECORDING MY FUCKING CHILDREN.
Karen: (Looking like snot nosed Carole Baskin) If I stop recording?
OP: Look. We don't have to like each other, because I certainly don't fucking like you guys. My boys never go in your yard. Ever. I don't give shit if you keeps the other basketballs, but I will be damned if you fucking record them ever again. If you do, I will cut your tree down without warning.
Kevin: (PISSED) Thanks bud.
OP: No worries friend. I am just trying to be neighborly. Just remember. I am dead serious about the tree, and I am pretty certain I will outlive you.
Dear Reader, I know I am a prick. I know we were both in the wrong at times. I draw the line when a 69 year old women sees fit to torment my kids. We have only had one problem sense these events occurred. Kevin Jr's car sat in the same spot for nine months. I have submitted over 20 home improvement request to the HOA, and I am now friends with the wonderful ladies that work there. They periodically inspect neighborhoods and noticed the registration on Jr's vehicle was two years outdated and had it towed. Karen accused me of having towed. We had another colorful conversation, but it ended there. Kevin Jr. is still jobless to this day. I assume he has managed to erect a bunk bed in his childhood bedroom. He has "so much more room for activities." Just make sure you don't touch his drum set.
This is not my typical story, but I hope you enjoyed the read. Cheers kind humans!
submitted by SloppyEyeScream to FuckeryUniveristy [link] [comments]


2020.08.31 08:46 HaulA31Augl Spy cam caught cheating

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submitted by HaulA31Augl to u/HaulA31Augl [link] [comments]


2020.08.30 17:23 SloppyEyeScream Spy cam caught cheating

Hello! I originally posted this at entitledparents. However, a lot of people seemed to really enjoy the read so of course they took it down without reason. I know it is long, but people expressed they were glad they read the entire thing, and loved the plot twist! I hope you enjoy the read. Cheers!
TLDR: Karen Accused My "Heathens" of Waking Her Child; Now I Wake Him on Purpose!
My crib-midget has evolved into a min-human, and my mini-human is now in an adult male body which is, unfortunately, still outfitted with a teenage brain. Don't worry though, he knows everything! I myself have a late-30s model body, but my teenage brain is coming along well. That said, my loving wife is still able to maintain her sanity with 2.5 boys and .5 male adults in the house. However, the house was too small and we needed more leg room. We decided to move on up!
The new house is everything we wanted. There is ample room for the growing family. The boys would conquer the upstairs, and even have their own bathroom to grow "science experiments." They occasionally fail to brush their teeth but you can most certainly count on them to piss in/on everything except the toilet. Cake, my 11YO mini-human, shares my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), and keeps his room in working order. Kelly, my 15YO Man-Child genius? Well, just don't touch that sock under his bed. Typical boy-shit I suppose.
My wife and I now had a backyard. We had a two-car garage to store her Christmas and Halloween decorations. The neighborhood is gorgeous, and I can literally walk to the clubhouse and play a round of golf. The cul-de-sac we live on is dominated by currently serving or retired military families. Everyone was extremely welcoming at the Home Owners Association (HOA), and the neighbors were all friendly. Well, at least for the moment!
I have read about neighbor horror stories. I have seen them on television. I never in a million years thought I would live next to "them". I am a gunfighter by trade. Believe it or not, I don't like war. I like my job, but I don't enjoy the carnage of war. I am a realist though. I would totally cast my ballot for World Peace; but I know it only takes one asshole to ruin it for everyone. My immediate neighbors became those assholes.
Enter the Entitled Parents: Kevin and Karen. They seemed nice at first. They were both really helpful, especially Kevin. Kevin had served in the Air Force, and Karen was a stay-at-home mother. They enlightened me regarding the neighborhood, the quality of the area schools, and told me the tips and tricks to avoid any hassle with the HOA. Fucking great, right?
Coronavirus (COVID19) Zombie Apocalypse
The onset of COVID19 forced the school district to cancel the remainder of the school year so the boys didn't turn into zombies. However, the mass hysteria allowed my humanoids to become semi-professional Fortnite gamers, whom smelled like ball-funk, and survived on soda and Zebra Cakes. They were quickly becoming chubby-bunnies. I, being neighborly, informed Kevin and Karen that I would be in the market for a portable basketball hoop to combat childhood obesity and Type II Diabetes.
Side Note: I remember shit. It can be quite literally a matter of life or death in my occupation so I remember things vividly!
OP: Pleasantries, some other words, "I am thinking about getting a basketball hoop for the boys."
Karen: That's great. It's so good to have young children in the neighborhood again.
Kevin: You know you can't put it in the street right? It is against HOA rules. (Kevin is a rules guy!)
OP: Well-aware. I will be putting it on the back pad.
Karen: That's great. If the ball ever goes over the fence just tell them to come get it.
Awesome! It was a positive interaction, and they had no issue. Onward to Walmart!
My children are well-behaved. They may act like little shit-heads to each other and inside the house, but they are both kind and courteous to others. Despite Karen's instructions, I told them to knock on the door if the ball ever goes over the fence. So they did.
First Bounce-Over
My Door: Knock. Knock. Knock.
OP: Hey Kevin. How can I help you?
Kevin: (Annoyed) The ball went over the fence.
OP: Did the boys knock and ask to get it?
Kevin: Yes. I just wanted to let you know.
I spoke to my wife afterwards. "That was odd," was all I could think. Is the guy going to let me know each time the ball goes over the fence? Maybe I should knock on his door? "Hey Kevin. Just wanted to let you know that your car is parked in the driveway." This process quickly became a routine for Kevin; Kevin became a self-licking ice cream cone. Kevin came over six times over the course of about three months. My wife began keeping tallies because it was odd and, but somewhat comical. Then shit started to get real.
Cake came running in the house scared. He had tears in his eyes, and he was continually reiterating, "I didn't do anything wrong." Nobody has accused me of being "Worlds Best Dad" so I was wondering if he did in fact do something wrong. I forgo waterboarding Cake, this time, and ask what he is talking about. Cake stated, "Karen is recording me." What? I look outside and sure-as-shit, I see Karen, at the fence, and pointing her cellphone at me as if it was a loaded gun. I think, "well fuck my tits," because I know my wife is going to lose her shit. She did!
My wife is dainty, but she quickly turned into a 4'11 Muhammad Ali. Man, it took every fucking ounce of verbal reasoning for me to stop her from physically rearranging Karen's face-meat . In addition to remembering things for work, I have to be well-read regarding the laws that govern me as an American, and the locals laws. I knew Karen's tactic to scare and record Cake was immoral and unethical, but it was perfectly legal. This didn't sit well with my wife though. I reminded the wife that I have a doctorate in revenge from Fuckery University (FU), and this would not go unanswered. I can be a prick too, but I am a methodical prick.
I did my best to erect makeshift barriers as a temporary solution. It was not perfect, but at least it showed that we were doing everything in our power to prevent balls from going over the fence. I also submitted plans for a permanent structure to the HOA. I was going to build a hanging herb garden wall, but it required approval before construction could start. The typical approval timeline was two weeks, but in addition to shitting on earth, COVID19 also shit on the approval process. I was in limbo. Tragically, another basketball fell victim to the senseless violence. It was the ninth basketball in approximately eight months. The kids were terrified to ask for their basketball back, and it wasn't even worth the hassle anymore. That didn't stop Kevin though.
Ninth Bounce-Over
Knock. Knock. Knock.
Ken: OP HOME?
Wife: Yes, but he injured his back. How can I help you?
Ken: Get OP please. (I should mention that Kevin is outwardly sexist and is not a fan of "coloreds".)
Wife: Kevin, OP, can't even walk right now. How can I help you?
Ken: The basketball went over the fence again. It needs to stop. They need to stop playing basketball. (He was now telling my wife how to parent. Good luck buddy!)
Wife: I am sorry the ball went over the fence. We continue to tell the children to be careful, but I am not going to tell them they can't play basketball in their own yard.
Ken: You'll tell your boys to stop playing. If the ball comes over the fence again. We are calling the cops! Tell your boys to stay out of our yard. They're trespassing!
Wife: If you want to call the cops then you go ahead and do it. However, the boys DO NOT go in your yard at all anymore.
I was losing my shit in the bedroom. I could hear the conversation, but I physically could not make the front door. I managed to slide off the bed and began my Army-crawl to the door, but I was late. My wife was fuming and I was pissed, and pathetically crawling on the floor. Yay back injuries! We had no intention of starting a war, but the boys were doing nothing wrong. We had informed Kevin we were getting a hoop, and they had zero issues with it. What the fuck was going on?
Tenth Bounce-Over
The cops are called! The OP CITY Police Department (PD) sent two cruisers. The children may be 11 and 15, but all be damned if they don't go down without a fight. One cruiser was not going to suffice, you'd better send two for my miscreants. I just sat in my garage man-cave and watch it all play out. The cops go to the neighbors house first. They are there for more than a hour and I can only assume we are being painted as horrible neighbors. Oh well! It is now pitch dark outside and I was startled by the time an officer approaches.
Officer John Kimble: Hello? Sir!
OP: Holy fuck! You scared the shit out of me!
Officer Kimble: Sorry, Hi, I am Officer Kimble with OP CITY PD. How are you doing this evening?
OP: Typically I would say fine, but I don't typically have a cop in my garage.
Officer Kimble: I understand. The reason we are here is because the neighbors called about trespassing. Now, they said nobody went in their yard today, but they want you to understand they will press charges next time.
I was baffled. I did my best to maintain my composure, but I am certain my face was screaming, "Are you fucking serious?" Officer Kimble then pointed at his body camera and mouthed, "Recording," and then gave me a "thumbs up" gesture. I immediately ceased the opportunity to fuck with him. Sorry, it's in my nature.
OP: Do you want another beer? You can't just drink one!
Officer Kimble: (Laughing) WHAT? I didn't have a beer with you.
OP: (Laughing as well.) I'm kidding, and we are fully aware of their intent to press charges. I will be sure to do my best to prepare my boys for the rigors of prison life too. I think jail will be good for them too; may even toughen them up a bit!
Officer Kimble: (Laughing) Okay Sir. I just want to ensure that you are aware. Ideally, we would like to see neighbors talk things like this out, and not call the cops. Unfortunately, this is what it's come to. I just want to ensure you are aware.
OP: Tracking!
Officer Kimble: You have a good evening Sir.
OP: Thanks.
Officer Kimble then walked back to his patrol car. He didn't leave though. I assume he was just finishing mundane paperwork, but he was there for at least 20-minutes. Then, much to my surprise, he returned, and was a completely different Officer.
Officer Kimble: Hey man!
OP: Back for that beer?
Officer Kimble: (Laughing) NO! Sorry man! I have to play the game for the body cam.
OP: I hear you. I occasionally wear one at work, but it only cuts back on my cussing. People still get shot!
Officer Kimble: You Army?
OP: Yup!
Officer Kimble: Cool. What do you do?
OP: Shoot fist, shoot often, and have my story straight before the cops arrive!
Officer Kimble: (Laughing ) I figure as much after looking at all your stuff here. I just wanted to talk to you without the camera. They really seem eager to press chargers if your children are caught in their yard.
OP: (Laughing.) My wife and I have concluded that.
Officer Kimble: That lady is bat-shit crazy. My God! She demanded we arrest your children tonight!
OP: Tonight?
Officer Kimble: Yes! She said they trespassed before, and she wanted to press charges now.
OP: (More laughing.) I am sorry you have to deal with this brother. I really am. I can ensure you that they have never gone in their yard without permission. Not once. They are terrified of her. She taunts them from the other side of the fence and records them. Seriously, they are scared of her. We now chalk the balls up as a lose.
Officer Kimble: I believe you. There is something not right with that lady. She said the basketball wakes her son up, and she will not hesitate press charges. I told her we would do our duty, but I don't think the magistrate will not view the situation kindly if we arrest two children for playing basketball. She clearly does not care though. I just wanted to chat with you, and without the body cam. I can't exactly call her crazy while it is running.
Officer John Kimble stayed for another hour. He was impressed with the collection of war memorabilia and the setup of my garage man-cave. He was specifically intrigued with my Nintendo and working copy of Mike Tyson Punch-Out, among other classics. Yes it's certainly fucking cool, but it has little to do with the story.
SHIT, MET FAN!
My wife was mowing the grass, and I was currently doing shit I never thought would be a priority of mine; planting a new flowerbed. Kevin and Karen had just returned from another Chick-fil-A run. Then the unthinkable happened. Kevin exited the car and immediately approached me, and he was angry.
Kevin: Your boys went into my yard and got a ball today. They may think we didn't notice, but we did. You need to tell those boys to stay out of my yard or...
OP: Wait a fucking minute! I don't tolerate people who lie, cheat, or steal, and you are lying right now.
Kevin: Your boys were...
OP: We were at an all-day soccer tournament in DIFFERENT STATE. We have only been home for a couple hours. They have not played any basketball since we have been home. You're lying!
Kevin: Well, we are sick of them getting balls from our yard without permission.
OP: Look Kevin, I get it! However, you fail to recall when your wife said the boys were more than welcome to go in the yard and...
I didn't even get to finish when I heard the screech of Karen. I know my writing style is "different" to say the least. I wish I was better. I do not have the words to accurately articulate the sound Karen made, but I will do my best. It was like the tyrannosaurus from Jurassic Park making love to to a nuclear explosion during a tornado, but way fucking louder. The only thing that honestly makes this worse, and I fucking kid you not, is that she is a dead ringer for Carole Baskin (Tiger King.) Not "maybe a little," but more "Holy fuck Carole Baskin is your neighbor" type of resemblance.
Karen: I NEVER SAID THAT. I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT.
She screamed at the top of her lungs a mere inches from my face. I could smell the Meow Mix bellow from here scream-factory. Meanwhile, Kevin pulled a fucking Houdini and vanished. Kevin is a passive-aggressive asshole and direct confrontation scares him off.
OP: Yes. You did.
Karen: I NEVER SAID THAT. YOU'RE WRONG.
OP: Whatever. It's not even worth it.
Karen: I AM SO SICK OF YOUR HEATHENS GOING IN MY YARD. YOUR HEATHENS BETTER NOT GO IN MY YARD AGAIN OR I WILL HAVE THEM ARRESTED. I KNOW THE LAW.
The, "I know the law statement," really rubbed me wrong. I was about to open my mouth and respond by my wife was on her like stink on shit, which led me to believe Karen is louder than a lawnmower. My wife was still seething about Karen recording the humans.
Wife: They don't go in your yard, and they are good children. They are not heathens! You better STOP RECORDING MY CHILDREN.
Karen: Oh shut up. You guys are white trash. Your children play in the street and run around the neighborhood like criminals. They broke my mulch too.(Yes. She said they broke the mulch.) Everybody knows you're trash. Just. Stupid. White. Trash.
I am now thinking, "Oh fuck," and semi-worried about Karen's future health as an active participant of living humans. I think my wife wanted to expire Karen's shelf-life.
Wife: Excuse me? My children never play in the street, you're recording them, and...
Karen: Just shut up! YOU'RE STUPID. YOU'RE JUST PLAIN STUPID. I CAN RECORD THEM IF I WANT. NO WONDER YOU DON'T HAVE JOBS
Wife: I HAVE THREE ADVANCED DEGREES. WE ARE WORKING FROM HOME. WE ARE NOT...
Karen: You are! YOU'RE TRASHY AND STUPID, AND BOTH YOUR CHILDREN ARE STUPID.
I had enough. There was no point in arguing either. Mark Twain stated to, "Never argue with an idiot. They will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience." Mark is correct, and Karen was trying to drag us down. Well, I don't know why, but I remember something that Kevin discussed with me when we first moved in; the fucking trees!
They have a large maple tree, and they have a juniper tree. Kevin always told me they were "in the process" of contracting a company to crown and lift the maple tree. Furthermore, they were going to get the juniper tree off my fence. Dear Reader, I know the law too. I can legally trim anything that goes over my property line. Now all those pointless conversations were making sense. It was my time to join this exciting game called pettiness!
OP: Karen. You have until Sunday to get your juniper off my fence.
Karen: Shut up. I told you we were going to get it handled this fall.
OP: It's June. You have until Sunday
Karen: Or What?
I allow my wife to rejoin the conversation, and I retreat to the garage. The I grab my clippers, and prune a good couple inches of the juniper tree, and lay them at her feet. Cue T-Rex fucking a volcano voice!
Karen: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? I TOLD YOU IT WILL BE DONE THIS FALL.
OP: You have until Saturday now.
Karen: You are dumb too. Just like your wife aren't you?
My intelligence may have been debatable, but I suppose it was time to repeat the process?!? I now return with about two feet of tree, and place it at her feet. I am like Mo-mo-McFucko of fuck-fuck lady!
OP: You have until Friday!
Karen: You better not touch my tree again. I will call the cops and have you thrown in jail tonight. You're so dumb aren't you? Now I see where you children get it from.
OP: I know the law too Karen. I will be back in a minute with some more of your juniper tree!
Karen: KEVIN. KEVIN. KEVIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNN!
I again return to the tree. I now have another two feet of juniper tree to place at her feet. The more she screams the smaller her tree becomes. It was an enjoyable game of cause and effect. Meanwhile, I see Kevin and Kevin Jr running like Usain Bolt to secure their tree with tow straps.
Karen: I hope your happy. You are terrible people! You are both terrible parents, and your children are heathens. I am sick of ball bouncing and waking my son up too. You people need to move. Your just horrible parents. HORRIBLE. (Screaming louder) HORRIBLE PARENTS.
Dear Reader, I had enough. I was at critical mass; I was going to explode. Karen continued to yell at my wife and I was zoning out. It was comical to watch Kevin and Kevin Jr secure the tree to their porch in order to get it off the fence. Once complete, they quickly made their way back to the one-sided screaming party.
Karen: Horrible parents. Look with they did to my poor tree.
Kevin: I think we should call the cops dear.
Karen: HORRIBLE PARENTS! I feel sorry for your kids and...
OP: Just shut the fuck up! I raked up 21 bags of leaves this past fall. Twenty-One. Funny, because we don't have a tree in our backyard. I pulled an additional bags worth of leaves and branches from my gutter. Not from "my tree" either. It was from your tree. You know what Kevin? I didn't bitch. I didn't knock on your door an complain.
Kevin: Yeah, and?
OP: We live in a suburbia. This shit happens. They are kids; kids fucking play outside! I don't want the ball in your yard either. You accuse of them of being in your yard. You also accuse them of "BREAKING MULCH". How in the fuck do you break mulch? Are you fucking serious? Really?
Karen: Yes really. Maybe you should learn how to parent your horrible children.
OP JUST FUCKING LOST IT (WAIT FOR THE SURPRISE!)
OP: Know what? That's the last time you question me about my parenting. My children are going to grow up and be productive members of our society. I find it comical that you have the audacity to question my parenting seeing how you have a (WAIT FOR IT) a 49 year old son living at your house for the past nine years. I assume it was because of the divorce and the bankruptcy he filed nine years ago? My children are waking your child up? Your child is a jobless 49 year old man living at home with mom and dad. Is he working on a startup? Prestige Worldwide maybe? Boats and hos!
Karen: (FUCKING BAFFLED) How do you know any of that? DO YOU GO SNOOPING THROUGH OUR MAIL TOO?
OP: I am good at what I do, and I found everything on online. I know you are 69, and lost your license due to reckless endangerment charge in 2017. I know Kevin Jr has 5 different moving violations and one DUI. I also know he was fired from his grounds-crew job with the HOA. I know your husband is 72 and wears the same fucking shirt everyday, so I can only assume that laundry is not a priority. I know your phone numbers, and email accounts. I know a lot of shit about you. YOUR CHILD IS 49 AND LIVES AT HOME. MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE MORE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR PARENTING AND LESS ABOUT MINE! We can have a civil relationship or we can have a war. Just remember this though, I AM GOING TO FUCKING OUTLIVE YOU!
They stormed in the house. They were not happy or impressed with my ability to figure shit out. It was not over for me though. They fucked with the wrong fuckhead. They were unaware of actions I took to keep the peace. For example, I never let the boys play basketball while they were outside eating dinner. I didn't let them play before nine or after seven. I tried. But they would play blare country music and enjoy the gorgeous weather an eat a meal. I never bitch about Garth Brooks on volume 100 while I watched the national news. I was teleworking, and I took fuckery up as a part-time job now.
I have wrestled since I was four years old. I was never much of a basketball guy. I am now though! Karen and Kevin had just sat down to enjoy their meal. I don't have to spy either. I can easily see them out my french doors as I watch the national news. I patiently waited for the sloth-speed fuckheads to get their outside dinner setting perfectly situated. I could hear Tim McGraw playing when I opened my french doors. I like music too, so I figured I would get my groove and play basketball.
OP: Alexa (Amazon) play Bitches Ain't Shit by Dr. Dre.
Alexa: Bleep and Bleep by Dr. Dre.
OP: Alexa. Volume 10
I have a new fondness for rap music and the game of basketball. This didn't stop Karen from recording my "heathens" on a daily basis. I know what I was about to do was petty, but I had zero fucks to give at that point. I had one last fuck you. It was my final card to play; an Uno Reverse Card of sorts!
My neighbors, across the street, and my family have bonded. He had a tree removed last week, and I had an epiphany. How much would it cost to trim a large maple tree that overhands my property? I am not talking a couple branches either, but more like one half of a more than 100 foot tree. I approached the tree removal company an offered them a sizeable chunk of change and informed them of my delicate problem. They said, "any friend of MY NEIGHBOR is a friend of theirs." Pro bono!
They move their large equipment over to my backyard and take their time getting ready. Guess who came running out of the house? No. Not Brad Pitt. Fuck. Get your shit together Reader. Karen and Kevin came running out.
Kevin: Hey buddy! (Buddy. Not fuckhead. Not horrible parent. Buddy!)
OP: What can I do for you?
Kevin: What are they doing here?
OP: Oh. Them (Points)?
Kevin: Yeah. What are they doing?
OP: Oh. Well, they are going to trim the tree?
Kevin: Just trim?
OP: Yup. Just a little trim!
Karen: You know that tree was a gift from our daughter right? We don't want anything drastic. It has been with us for over forty years now.
Kevin: Yeah. It was a gift from our daughter. How much are you thinking about trimming?
OP: Well. Just so you're aware, you understand that I can legally trim anything that overhangs my property? I have approval from my lawyer and the HOA to trim it. Frankly, I care as much about your tree as you do my children's privacy; I could fucking care less!
Kevin: How much are you talking about trimming then?
OP: My property line is here (I point) and it extends up (I point up) to space. I am going to trim every single branch that encroaches my property. So, probably about 1/3 of your tree. It's gonna look really fucking funny when I am done. Oh well.
Karen started to cry. It was a really, really ugly cry. There was no more rage left in her. She was defeated. Kevin was defeated as well. This was not my desire. Don't get me wrong, I don't care if she cried, but it was not my intent.
OP: Or YOU CAN STOP RECORDING MY FUCKING CHILDREN.
Karen: (Looking like snot nosed Carole Baskin) If I stop recording?
OP: Look. We don't have to like each other, because I certainly don't fucking like you guys. My boys never go in your yard. Ever. I don't give shit if you keeps the other basketballs, but I will be damned if you fucking record them ever again. If you do, I will cut your tree down without warning.
Kevin: (PISSED) Thanks bud.
OP: No worries friend. I am just trying to be neighborly. Just remember. I am dead serious about the tree, and I am pretty certain I will outlive you.
Dear Reader, I know I am a prick. I know we were both in the wrong at times. I draw the line when a 69 year old women sees fit to torment my kids. We have only had one problem sense these events occurred. Kevin Jr's car sat in the same spot for nine months. I have submitted over 20 home improvement request to the HOA, and I am now friends with the wonderful ladies that work there. They periodically inspect neighborhoods and noticed the registration on Jr's vehicle was two years outdated and had it towed. Karen accused me of having towed. We had another colorful conversation, but it ended there. Kevin Jr. is still jobless to this day. I assume he has managed to erect a bunk bed in his childhood bedroom. He has "so much more room for activities." Just make sure you don't touch his drum set.
This is not my typical story, but I hope you enjoyed the read. Cheers kind humans!
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submitted by wolf24Jul to u/wolf24Jul [link] [comments]


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2020.07.16 16:50 xdxx4516JJul Spy cam caught cheating

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