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2020.09.28 10:55 HaulA28Sepl2 Smoking sex cams

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submitted by HaulA28Sepl2 to u/HaulA28Sepl2 [link] [comments]


2020.09.26 23:58 SnooMemesjellies1027 Crashing after becoming thane of Haafingar

Ive completed all the objectives to become thane, but once i go to Eilsif and she declares me thane, my game crashes upon leaving the conversation.. any ideas?
Load Order:
Skyrim.esm
Update.esm
Dawnguard.esm
HearthFires.esm
Dragonborn.esm
SkyMoMod.esm
Lanterns Of Skyrim - All In One - Main.esm
Skyrim Project Optimization - Full Version.esm
Paradise_City_RESOURCES.esm
3DNPC.esp
ApachiiHair.esm
FISS.esp
High Poly Head.esm
BSAssets.esm
BSHeartland.esm
SexLab.esm
RealisticWaterTwo - Resources.esm
EFFCore.esm
ApachiiHairMales.esm
SexLabAroused.esm
BBLuxurySuite.esm
RaceCompatibility.esm
BS_DLC_patch.esp
Falskaar.esm
Maslea.esm
Gray Fox Cowl.esm
Vigilant.esm
AyleidCitadel.esp
Unslaad.esm
arnima.esm
SimpleChildren.esp
Unofficial Skyrim Special Edition Patch.esp
ZaZAnimationPack.esm
TheBawbsShire.esp
Expressive Facegen Morphs.esl
FloraRespawnFix.esp
SMIM-SE-Merged-All.esp
ELFX - Exteriors.esp
Landscape Fixes For Grass Mods.esp
ELFX - Weathers.esp
EnhancedLightsandFX.esp
Project Rainforest.esp
Cutting Room Floor.esp
Dolomite Weathers.esp
Dolomite_TS_Patch_LightFog.esp
TrueStormsSE.esp
JKs Skyrim.esp
noice.esp
Weapons Armor Clothing & Clutter Fixes.esp
RaceMenu.esp
RaceMenuPlugin.esp
AutoHideAmmo.esp
AddItemMenuSE.esp
BO MS0101 by Team TAL.esp
Modern Clothes.esp
Sekiro - Genichiro Ashina.esp
[full_inu] Cainhurst Knight Set.esp
tenebrae.esp
Hearthfires Houses Building Fix.esp
BlendedRoads.esp
SkygazerMoonsSize.esp
dD - Enhanced Blood Main.esp
dD-Larger Splatter Size.esp
Obsidian Mountain Fogs.esp
KS Hairdo's.esp
DustEffectsSSE.esp
KSHairdosSMP.esp
KSWigsSMP.esp
3DNPC0.esp
PAN_Serana.esp
Cuyima 3DNPC - Redone.esp
dD-No Spinning Death Animation.esp
No PC Fall Damage.esp
noCamColl_2_SE.esp
Real Wildlife Skyrim 0.1.esp
JKs_Skyrim_No_Lights_Patch.esp
skyBirds_SSE.esp
EBT - skyBirds Patch.esp
ELFX - NoPlayerHomes.esp
FloppySOS.esp
NippleRingsForMen.esp
NosPiercedEarsAll.esp
OneWithNature.esp
RaceCompatibilityUSKPOverride.esp
RaceMenuPluginSAM.esp
Vigilant Voiced.esp
DeadlySpellImpacts.esp
BirdsOfSkyrim_SSE.esp
Particle Patch for ENB SSE.esp
WACCF_Armor and Clothing Extension.esp
MoonAndStar_MAS.esp
BattleAftermath.esp
TropicalIslands.esp
Populated Lands Roads Paths Legendary.esp
OwnCivilWar.esp
KiwiBirds.esp
Guards_Armor_Replacer.esp
AyleidCitadelGay.esp
BirdsAndFlocks_SSE.esp
Morning Fogs SSE.esp
ToadSky.esp
Run For Your Lives.esp
Cloaks.esp
OpulentOutfits_2017-SSE Replacer.esp
Bijin Warmaidens.esp
Bijin NPCs.esp
Bijin Wives.esp
PAN_NPCs_DG.esp
PAN_NPCs.esp
Inigo.esp
NewArmoury.esp
Phenderix Magic Evolved.esp
RepopSnailSlug.esp
mihailseal.esp
JUSTICE - City Exteriors.esp
Recorder Follower Base.esp
mihailwillothewisp.esp
Paradise_City_Whiterun.esp
mihailmongoose.esp
mihailaurochs.esp
Blacksmith Forge Water Fix SE USSEP.esp
Hippos.esp
ForgottenCity.esp
mihailleshen.esp
mihailgiantsloth.esp
mihailhummingbird.esp
mihailczart.esp
Macrauchenia.esp
JKs Skyrim_Cutting Room Floor_Patch.esp
Spellsword.esp
mihailmountainlion.esp
Landscape Fixes For Grass mods - Cutting Room Floor Locations.esp
The Manipulator.esp
mihailmoa.esp
naruto overhaul.esp
UchihaClan.esp
Providence and Pestilence.esp
Paradise_City_SummerWindhelm.esp
Lucien.esp
SVPortal by Mika999.esp
Krovaxis.esp
Ravengate.esp
NewHangZhou.esp
mihailflamingo.esp
Avenger.esp
timeandspace.esp
TrueHel.esp
Apocalypse - Magic of Skyrim.esp
Colorful_Magic_SE.esp
kanospellabsorbtionring.esp
3DNPC - CRF Patch.esp
P1FlyingRing.esp
[full_inu] Yahar'gul Set.esp
DS3 Weapon Pack.esp
[SAM] Forsworn Loincloth Refit.esp
UltimateDragons.esp
DSer360MovementBehavior.esp
FNIS - Shocky Poses Humans.esp
FNIS - Shocky Poses Misc.esp
GPPoses.esp
Poser Hotkeys.esp
MorePainfulNPCDeathSounds.esp
XPMSE.esp
NWTA.esp
WACCF Weapons - NWTA Patch.esp
9RingDao.esp
[full_inu] Grave Warden Set.esp
[full_inu] Lord Nicholas Armor.esp
BBLuxurySuiteENM.esp
Dragonblade SE - Johnskyrim.esp
BolarBaneStandalone.esp
Fairylicious.esp
LadyHorus_TERA.esp
Slof's Goth Shop.esp
Slof's Just For Men.esp
mihailpeacock.esp
GDOS - Glorious Solitude Door - Rotation Fix.esp
GDOS - Splendid Mechanized Dwemer Door.esp
RevampedExteriorFog.esp
LostGrimoire.esp
The Forbidden Arts.esp
Uchiha Clan Additions.esp
Lucien-MoonandStar-Patch.esp
Smoking Torches And Candles.esp
FacelightPlus.esp
voicesen0.esp
SummonDeathHound.esp
WetFunction.esp
DisableHDREffects.esp
Remove Snowy Weather.esp
WetandCold.esp
TrueStorms_Wet&Cold_Patch.esp
Wet&Cold - WaterFix - Addon.esp
attack commitment movement speed fluid.esp
3DCloudsStormsNights.esp
RealRainSE.esp
Supreme Fog.esp
SimplyBiggerGiantsAndMammoths.esp
TDNEquipableHorns.esp
Elephant.esp
SpellswordApocalypse.esp
Wp_SwordOfIce.esp
Aestus Estus.esp
S3DRocks.esp
3D_FacegenForKids.esp
BSB_FacegenForKids.esp
CRF_FacegenForKids.esp
FC_FacegenForKids.esp
FS_FacegenForKids.esp
MAS_FacegenForKids.esp
FacegenForKids.esp
SkyHUD.esp
WWW.esp
AMatterOfTime.esp
UltimateCombat.esp
FluffyEars.esp
Elis Hot Springs Male Patch.esp
Cloaks - Dawnguard.esp
Illustrious HDT Cloaks.esp
Cloaks - USSEP Patch.esp
83Willows_101BUGS_V4_HighRes.esp
opmfgconsole.esp
Spears.esp
TSC-Vigilant.esp
VioLens SE.esp
AnimatedArmoryVigilantPatchESM.esp
Customizable Camera.esp
AOS_EBT Patch.esp
9204 Bless Armor Pack by Team TAL.esp
DM BDOR Pack by Team TAL.esp
Vindictus Sonic Blade.esp
The Witcher Nilf Gardian by Team TAL.esp
[SAM] August All In One.esp
RoseGear.esp
FNIS.esp
IxumsTattoos.esp
JaxonzRenamer.esp
LessIntrusiveHUD.esp
SkyUI_SE.esp
SlaveTats.esp
SOSRaceMenu.esp
UIExtensions.esp
DSmystictails.esp
EquipableTailsSE.esp
calyps-animal-ears.esp
SimplyKnock.esp
Immersive Conjure Spells.esp
GrassOnSteroids_Short.esp
Insignificant Object Remover.esp
Facelight.esp
DirtCliffVariation.esp
SwordOfNunoboko.esp
SexLabTools.esp
M2M_Animations.esp
Fudou Myouou.esp
Fuwa Pose Module.esp
Holiday Gift Hairdos.esp
Poser Merged Module.esp
TKDodge.esp
SPTConsistentOlderPeopleSE.esp
SkyMoMod.esp
GomaPeroLand.esp
cheat room.esp
Real Clouds.esp
StaffMadara.esp
TheEyesOfBeauty.esp
HitStop.esp
Complete Crafting Overhaul_Remastered.esp
AnimatedArmouryCCOR.esp
Alternate Start - Live Another Life.esp
Landscape Fixes For Grass mods - Alternate start Locations.esp
Immersive Citizens - AI Overhaul.esp
Relationship Dialogue Overhaul.esp
Landscape For Grass Mods JK'S Skyrim.esp
Landscape For Grass Mods -Immersive Citizens PATCH.esp
EFFDialogue.esp
Open Cities Skyrim.esp
JKs Skyrim_Open Cities_Patch.esp
Immersive Citizens - OCS patch.esp
Open Cities - 3DNPC Patch.esp
ELFX - Exteriors Open Cities Patch.esp
RealisticWaterTwo.esp
RealisticWaterTwo - Beyond Skyrim Bruma.esp
RealisticWaterTwo - ELFX Patch.esp
RealisticWaterTwo - Falskaar.esp
RealisticWaterTwo - Watercolor.esp
RealisticWaterTwo - Waves - Falskaar.esp
Waterlinesfix.esp
JKs Skyrim_RWT_Patch.esp
Realistic Water Two - Landscape For Grass Mods Patch.esp
RWT Lod Fix.esp
ENB Light.esp
WACCF_BashedPatchLvlListFix.esp
AOS_ISC_Integration.esp
Astral.esp
BS Bruma Patch.esp
Chapter II V2.1 - Replacer.esp
Combo Attacks SE.esp
Courier.esp
Dirt and Blood - Dynamic Visuals.esp
doticu_npc_party.esp
ELFX Fixes Ragged Flagon Fix.esp
ELFX Fixes.esp
ELFXEnhancer.esp
FIO-AOS Patch.esp
FireAndIceOverhaul.esp
Flinch.esp
Graviczapa Desert Dancer.esp
GSPoses Module.esp
High Poly NPCs - Populated Lands Roads Paths Legendary.esp
Identity Crisis.esp
Immersive Sounds - Compendium.esp
KaliliesNPCs.esp
lucien replacer new.esp
Maelstrom.esp
MBO.esp
Sekiro-like.esp
Mythic Dawn Expansion.esp
Oblivion SAM Thong.esp
Phenderix Skyrim In-Game Editor.esp
QinJian.esp
Realistic AI Detection 2 SE Lite.esp
S3DLandscapes NextGenerationForests.esp
Shadows.esp
SkyMoMod Extras Conjuration.esp
Skysan_ELFX_SMIM_Fix.esp
SMIM-RatwayChandellierFix.esp
Triumvirate - Mage Archetypes.esp
UnlimitedSummons.esp
Waking Nightmare.esp
proudspiremanortnf.esp
Water for ENB (Mineral Teal).esp
MSZ DemonSlayer.esp
rugged_rogue.esp
WheelsOfLull.esp
WoL-Bruma.esp
WoL-FC.esp
[Kirax] BDO Cantibile Male.esp
Audio Overhaul Skyrim.esp
BBLS_SKSE64_Patch.esp
CitizensComplete.esp
Just4u.FFXV_King_of_Lucis.esp
High Poly NPCs - 3DNPC.esp
High Poly NPCs - BBLuxurySuite.esp
WSEnhancer.esp
CollegeOfWinterholdImmersive.esp
CWICRFSEPatch.esp
CWIEnLFXSEPatch.esp
CWIOOSEPatchReplacer.esp
CWIOpenCitiesSEPatch.esp
CWISPOPatchSE.esp
AetherSuite.esp
DopplegangerFollower.esp
FortKnox.esp
SexTalk.esp
SLAnimLoader.esp
MCY_TrimentIsles.esp
Grand Admiral Thrawn - Skyrim.esp
Invasion of Skyrim.esp
SUNMagicArmor.esp
alidonsarmory.esm
Verdant - A Skyrim Grass Plugin SSE Version.esp
SLAL_AnimationsByLeito.esp
Bijin_AIO 2018.esp
Palaces Castles Enhanced.esp
PCE - Live Another Life Patch.esp
PCE - ELFX PATCH.esp
PCE - RDO Patch.esp
PCE - Immersive Citizens AI Overhaul Patch.esp
PCE - SPO Patch.esp
PCE - 3DNPC Patch.esp
PCE - No Custom Music patch.esp
PCE - USSEP+CRF Patch.esp
PCE - Open Cities Patch.esp
Bashed Patch, 0.esp
submitted by SnooMemesjellies1027 to skyrimmods [link] [comments]


2020.09.23 21:15 Lucas_Aubergine Smoking sex cams

BNHA Hero OC File: Skull Sentinel First I know that bone based quirks are common and aren't new/unique, I promise I didn't steal/copy this quirk or character. I made this OC for a table top game years ago and decided to make him a MHA OC. His original name was Marrow but there is already a hero called that in this sub-reddit. But despite that I hope you enjoy the character.
Name: Maxwell Cain Willow
Hero Name: Skull Sentinel "The Skeletal Hero"
Sex: Male
Sexuality: Straight
Age: 20
Appearance:
https://preview.redd.it/chm1zhawkyo51.jpg?width=1000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e57eb60b9b68d527a157d05b1eb19f34f6463aaa
Quirk: Osteokenesis - Max has the ability to manipulate his bone matter on a molecular level. Allowing him to construct and shape the bone matter in his body to an unparalleled degree. His quirk also allows him to create more bone matter using resource reserves that his body stores for just his quirk. He can increase and decrease the density of his bone constructs, alter their molecular structure to make their sturdier, fragmentable, flexible, etc. He can increase the density and weight of the bones in his arms a split second before he lands a punch to make it even stronger. All in all his quirk relies on his imagination, ingenuity, and skill.
Quirk Downsides: His quirk requires lots of concentration for more complex structures since he manipulates the bone matter on the molecular level. Simpler structures are more second nature and thus require little effort to make. He also requires calcium supplements to fuel the bulk of his quirk while the other minor elements of bone matter are taken care of by an increased consumption similar to the Flash's Metabolism. Creating his constructs is also physically exhausting as he creates open wounds which heal closed thanks to the minor healing properties that come as complimentary ability to his quirk. This healing puts a minor strain on his body but repeated uses stack up. Lastly his quirk causes him pain when it breaks the skin, he's acquired a higher pain tolerance because of this but pain is still pain.
Hero Outfit: The tech aspects of Max's "Skeleton Suit" include a HUD with lie detecting software, translator software, and facial recognition software. He also has a utility belt with calcium supplements, cuff tape, batteries, a burner phone, and smoke bombs. He also has a watch that monitors his biological functions, dietary statistics, injury locations, and other health based statistics. He also carries a laptop for hacking into villain systems, and medical supplies in his small backpack. Lastly for weapons he carries two stun batons and a non-lethal taser pistol.
https://preview.redd.it/0u49z2itnyo51.jpg?width=1000&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=45ef193c89fd71784ae40852b40c54d3db033892
Personality: Max is a lovable geek who's a lot like Deku in terms of his fanboy status. He's big into pop culture media, and takes a lot of inspiration from Spider-man. He likes to joke in combat to distract his enemies, he makes references and likes to point out cliches. He's highly intelligent, making most his hero gear with some help from friends. He's not agaisnt killing but avoids it at all costs, usually giving villains a warning that if they try escaping and hurting people again he won't be as kind. Still he tries to uphold the law as best as possible, usually carrying a body cam of some sort that he gives to police for inspection to make paperwork a little easier on them. All in all he's the kind of hero who does his best but won't hesitate to do what needs to be done for the greater good.
Backstory: When Max was born his parents ended up having to leave him with the hospital due to learning that their son had a degenerative bone disease. They couldn't afford to take care of him so he was left an orphan. So Max grew up in the hospital mostly alone, reading books to occupy himself. This is where his intellect grew and he grew into quite the inquisitive boy. After 13 years of being hospitalized his quirk finally manifested. He was a very late bloomer but when his quirk did manifest his disease was able to be mitigated by his ability to grow and reinforce new bone matter. Granted it took him a few months to learn how to use his quirk to heal his body but after that he was approached by some small time american heros who suggested he use that power to be a pro hero. Seeing that he could help others avoid life in a hospital like him he agreed and enrolled in a basic america school for heros.
Ultimate Move: Shatter Spine - Max creates a hyper dense super compressed spinal cord arm spear that decompresses a moment before impact causing it to act like a railgun shot shattering whatever it hits. This takes him a few hours to construct the blueprint for in his body, basically he reserves resources and imprints a specific build blueprint into it. Upon use it crumbles from the force and can't be used till he spends a few more hours repeating the process.
submitted by Lucas_Aubergine to BNHA_OC_Characters [link] [comments]


2020.09.21 00:25 Latter-Heart-4027 Smoking sex cams

Hi,
I know the title sounds funny, I guess it kind of is.
I am really desperate for any kind of advice, I really don't know what to do. I'm sorry for this being long winded but if you could read it, It'd make me happy.
For a visual context, I'm a 20 yo guy, with black hair, big black eyes, barely tanned skin and you're stereotypical college guy body type.
I'd never admit this with my face connected to this, but I really haven't had an amazing life so far. In highschool, I got bullied and shunned for the entirety of it, so I kind of always have a bad image of myself and because I'm a devout extrovert, it left me with a constant feeling of loneliness.
At one point in highschool, two of the jocks pinned me into the corner and grabbed onto my fat and squeezed to hear me scream. Needless to say, their laughter haunts me to this day, and I gained an eating disorder, which is why I have the slim body I do.
My experience with girls had not been too much better. The looks I used to get from the girls from my school were just cruel, I had talked to a few of them after the fact and they told me they didn't want to take a step down hierarchically and potentially get a share of the abuse I got on a daily basis.
The way I copped with my pain was by writing love songs. I did this everytime I felt sad I'd write one, and needless to say I have alot 😂 I had been having a reoccurring dream of this brown haired shy girl with freckles my whole life, so id often take my life experiences, think of her and boom I have a song.
All that said, when I was 17 I had my first girlfriend and I cannot describe how happy I was. But that's when I realized that the group of "friends" I had at the time didn't want to be happy for me. At that point, they started to drink more, and with it came their true character. To put it short, they were incels, to the point where one broke his hand punching a wall in a blind rage because the girl he liked was with someone.
It's worthwhile to say that they pressured me to drink too, and eventually drugs got involved. I only smoked weed once with them, and I am sure it was laced with something because I cannot describe the agony that ensued. My vision was rotating, going in and out and I felt like I was going to die if I closed my eyes. I immediately got up and started walking out, they didn't care (as a matter of fact they blamed me the next day for this). So all of a sudden there is a drugged up scared teen walking through the city in horrible agony trying to make it home. Luckily I did, and to this day I can't even have a sip of alcohol without having a panic attack, a trait that was not popular among this group nor the people I met in college afterwards. What kind of guy can't even drink alcohol? 😅
They went on to poke holes in my relationship with her, constantly insinuating she was cheating on me with someone in the group. I became so miserable, I cut ties from all of them, I met up with my gf to tell her the story but... And I know it was stupid... I didn't want to make her sad knowing that I was severely depressed... so I decided to break it off with her.
The last I heard from those guys was them saying "someone would have to be dumb, ugly and stupid to even look at you" and "you deserve everything you got".
The last I heard from her... She ended up dating the exact guy they said she was cheating on me with.
You'd probably expect me to hate her, but I hated them. Love for me means that I want to see that person happy, even if that means I get the short end of the stick or even have to leave their life.
Flash forward 3 whole years, I had dated a few girls, but I never felt love again and honestly thought I was broken, that I would never feel that way again.
At this point, feeling free from people bullying me nonstop about making YouTube videos, I had made alot. Of course thematically relevant, I still never got anything from that but I still love it nontheless.
As I was going through and opening all the available accounts for my channel, I happen upon Reddit. I decided to browse a little bit, when suddenly I saw needafriend on the front page. I clicked the subreddit and happened upon a post that essentially went "I really want friends, I lost mine recently"... And I actually dmed, who ended up being a, her.
We became good friends very quickly and I was really honestly surprised. I immediately found out she wasnt single, I didn't have a problem with it at all, it just meant we could be friends.
Getting to know this girl, I found out she had one boyfriend before the current one, a guy she had "went on a break with", to which he had sex with another girl very soon after... You see when she said a break, she meant she wanted like a week to herself. He didn't understand that. She also had really low self-esteem and was kind of submissive, which was a polar opposite to my confident and extroverted personality (noone knows my life story except for my best friend).
Its at this point that I realized my fatal flaw, I like to helping people with their confidence issues, it is my favorite thing in the world, and tbh I just wanted her to see herself as I was starting to see her.
Then I popped the question, do you wanna do a Minecraft Let's Play together? I know I'm too slick 😎 This was notable because I have always been extremely protective of my YouTube channel, I didn't want a good relationship turned sour to destroy one of the last things I had left... But I thought she was such amazing comedic foil for me, I couldn't resist. She agreed extremely enthusiastically.
I was so proud of the finished product, I bought a Minecraft realms for us, had my sister make us an amazing thumbnail as us as cartoon characters, it was so great :))
As one of the jokes from the video, I joked that I'd need a vid of her dabbing on cam to be sure I wasn't being playing with an old man. She immediately did it, and it this sounds crazy... But she was the girl from my dream. My heart skipped a beat. I know it sounds so cringy, but her dabbing while we messed around on Mc was the moment I kinda fell in love with her...
I was so excited for summer to start, we said we'd be making so much fun content, I was really starting to get happy. Then summer came... And silence. Its not that I didn't try, I really was so worried, I knew she was going through something, I just so desperately wanted her to let me help her. Then summer went...
I didn't waste this time, I wanted to be perfect for her, I wanted to be the guy that every girl dreams about. I got a job at a grocery store, hard labor, like that I could get abs for her while also getting paid 😋 I used the money I earned to invest in medical companies, to which it paid off pretty handsomely (I wanted to be rich enough to make music videos of the love songs I wrote for her as well as be well-off cuz that's always cool). I took a nice course load in my uni (I'm in medical sciences) because I was fueled by my passion for the success of the future. I even learned to play guitar because my sister said girls like it.
... Then right before school starts she comes back, like she hadn't ghosted me for 4 months. She tells me that she has a new boyfriend (meaning she had been single) that was long distance (meaning that I maybe had a chance since we're in different countries). I was supportive, of course, and just was happy to have her message me again.
I then thought to myself "well if she can do it, maybe I can too" and instantly proceeded to get catfished... badly...
At this point I was really starting to spiral and everything I had lived started coming back... and then I asked her why she ghosted me (because tbh that was the real thing that hurt the most out of all of this).
She said she had been depressed and that she pushed away everyone as a result. I told her that Id be happy to have things go back the way they were and that I forgive her... She didn't answer...
The next day, I send her this message:
"I understand.
I know I'm an idiot for even thinking this, but I keep running the question in my mind that if you would have let me confess my feelings for you when you were single, if you would have let me love you. Or maybe you knew that I did, and that's why you never even told me.
But since now you know that I was just a stupid idiot who wanted to love you. Love for me means that I am willing to put my own feelings aside to make sure you're happy. Even if that includes never hearing from you again.
You are happy with him, you happily came back to tell me that, so I refuse to get in the way.
There will always be that part of me that hopes you will someday answer me and at least let me continue being friends with you... So if for any reason you feel like messaging me, it would make me the happiest idiot in the world.
I love you [her name], Your friend forever, [My name]."
... It's been three weeks of silence and I still can't get over it. A reoccurring theme in my life is I get knocked down harder and harder again and again but I always get up and smile at the pain. But not now...
I know she doesn't owe me a response, I know I was never guaranteed her love but I can't help but hate how cruel my life keeps going, it's like this was a tortuous representation of the love I don't receive. I love her, so I'm okay with her choice to never answer me.
I just want to love someone, I want to make someone smile and laugh and feel amazing. I'd give anything and everything for that.
I stand here tortured, I can't sleep because my dreams show me her. I don't want to die, so please give me some advice, anything, even a simple recognition that its okay cry about this is enough.
I'm sorry if this upset you, It's not as memeworthy as the title foretells... ... But thanks for reading it 😅
submitted by Latter-Heart-4027 to Advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.12 22:36 hotdogsrock I really just need to get this out and be heard. Maybe using as for last few therapy sessions.

Hi all,
So I’m a mid-20 yo f who’s recently-ish moved out of State, and away from my immediate family. I really just want to compile a listing of my justifications in cutting ties, and so I don’t blank next time I’m at the therapist. I only have 2 more counseling sessions that are free on my insurance and want to maximize my time. I’m open to any advice should anyone have any to give. Just kinda getting it off my chest.
Mom is physically abusive beginning from age 5, flying into rages. I recall having my karate uniform be left in the washer (by her), and she flew into a rage thinking I lost it. She raged by slapping me around the head, pushing my head into the walls. This kind of thing was common, and I’d be scolded for waiting for dad to come home. He made her stop hitting me. Still he wasn’t a good guy. Mom and biological dad divorce when I’m 8/9/10. He gambled away our house, slept with a majority of my mom’s family (male and female), and abused her through their time together. We move into a tiny apt and Mom goes into depression. I’m in fifth grade. She rarely gets up or bathes, can routinely hear her crying. Usually sleeps on the couch during the day, is up at night. Food doesn’t come in the house often. I’m yelled at if I try to make a grilled cheese. She accuses me of eating her food. I don’t have money on my lunch account. Sometimes I stole chips or a friend would bring me extra apple pieces. I’m in fifth grade, not showering, not routinely making it to school. My teacher knows I began my menses given odors and bleeding through my panties. She asks me, and I learn how to perform peri-care during this time. I couldn’t go out the house too far, but made friends with a neighboring apt kid. I stay often, helping her do chores and her mom feeds me. Eventually mom meets someone online. They talk all night and she starts to wake more during the day. She mutes the phone when she goes in rages so he doesn’t hear. He sends her money for our rent and bills. She splurges in the expensive phone bill (talking to him always) and smokes. He comes over, and everything goes wrong. A week before his arrival, mom suddenly wakes up and gives me a trash bag and tells me to clean. The house is a mess, but I’m also 10 and given no house training. I throw away a bunch of papers and trash. I clean. When he arrives he accuses me of trashing my moms divorce papers. I didn’t, but I stay awake for hours being cross-examines. Having school the next day, and being emotionally berated I just say yeah I did. This becomes common. He accuses me of using alcohol. I am 10, and do not. He accuses me of bashing my mom and “wishing she was dead” I am 10 and do not. He forces my mom to explain the circumstances of my birth. My biological father bit her deeply where she still has the scar, and I am the product of my mother being raped. I think this maybe the origination of his hatred for me. We do not get along.
Eventually we move out of this State to move in with the man. He is living with his ex. I share a bed with his ex in the 2 bedroom shack we move into. His ex found the storage info that step-dad put all of our things in and cancelled payment. We lose everything we own and my baby pictures. I am told I will be put on a diet. I am given one crackers pack a day. Laying on the floor hurts with my ribs poking into the ground. I am giving hours of chores. I sink into schoolwork as it’s a way to get away. I read on the weekends and rarely come out. My door is open and sometimes they watch me in disgust. I’m like an ant in an ant farm. If my mom wasn’t behind him he’d shut the door and name-call me. I’m accused of being emotionally stupid, and useless. Name calling. I hate myself. Middle school. I have one friend, and I can sometimes escape to going there. My mom gets a job where he works, but “makes him leave” though he did it willingly. He claims being sickly, it’s just morbid obesity and subsequent symptoms. I now make every meal(including his breakfast and meal-prepping his lunch before I go to school) and clean the house for hours after school. I begin homework at 11 and am usually called in to be scolded for missing something chore-wise. I can stand there being admonished until 5am. Sometimes he makes things up or dramatizes them completely. If he found a single dirty spoon he’d claim I’m trying to kill them from bacteria and such. Hours later, I’d just admit to it (I wasn’t trying to do that). I become cold and shake from fear and tiredness. Sometimes I miss school because it’s the one thing I like, or they pull me out early to accuse me of stealing things that they misplaced. They would make me return sometimes in “granny” clothes. I am made to stay up all day and night after big fights where I lose my cool and talk back. I am not allowed to take the bus or get rides from friends, I walk 1.5 mile both ways to school. I am so tired always. He thinks mom is cheating on him at work. I always hear them argue about her not having sex with him. I’m threatened continuously when she’s not there that if I know something I’ll be on the street with her. I’m threatened by both of them I’ll be kicked out. I never have security. I tell my mom about these things he does while she is at work, meaning the hours of yelling and forcing me to agree to things I haven’t done. He once burnt me with boiling water while she was sleeping in the other room. She says if I have to choose between you and him I will always choose him. She tells me to apologize to him and I say no. They cut my hair unevenly in a bowl cut. I am alone. High school I begin smoking weed. I will come home and clean, to go to a friends house. I clean thoroughly so I can go without any issue from my parents. It is safer, and I can sleep. I begin working at 14. 3/4 of my paycheck goes to them. Wake up, make him breakfast, school, clean, work, homework, fight, sleep, repeat. Only recently have I stopped giving them money as my step-brother will give it. My step-brother asked me to stay and help them longer. He’s the bigger payout as he’s in the military, and I’m live in help. If anything he got out easy. DO NOT SHARE THIS PART IF I CAN GET BAKER ACTED. ASK HER FIRST. I go to a Gunshow with a friend. We live in the South, and v easy to obtain. I buy my first .38 for cheap out of a trunk. I debate everyday, and hide in my room reading daily. It feels better knowing I can get out if it keeps happening. I survive to 18 I start to stay with many men. If it means I can get out of the house, I do it. I sneak to PP and get on the pill. Despite this, my one friend I’d had since middle school invites me to a local music festival. I am not on the pill as I am not active, and a former teacher reached out on instagram. I feel weird about him, but I don’t want to go home. He pulls me into his car while she’s in the bar finding us a spot. She calls once but gives up. He forces himself on to me, and I need an abortion a month later. I am still guilty to this day. Mom loses job. No one in house is employed except me. Instead of asking pay-pig step brother I am told to step up. I drop out of school, and work two jobs. I began camming for extra money. I get into the church, and if my plans with a man or friend fell apart I’d use the code to get into adoration and sleep on the lobby couch hidden in the back. I’d set my alarm to go off before anyone came in and return home then. I stay up until 4/5 to cam before work at 6:30. I am talking to an old high school crush. He has divorced and we just talk. It’s the one thing tiding me over. Despite me paying the phone bill, they look up his number. They call him and ask him about our sexual relationship. He breaks it off, and I am now referred to daily as a whore. Name calling doesn’t hurt as badly anymore, but I am embarrassed they know about my romantic life. It was the one private and good thing I had going. Emotional abuse continues and mom hits me once as a 22 year old. I meet my now husband, and I move out at 23. Stepbrother tries to shame me to stay and take care of them longer. I move out of State using the excuse of me moving to better myself professionally. I am now beginning grad school and am happily married. I don’t think this is an all inclusive list, but I just need to put it down.
submitted by hotdogsrock to JUSTNOFAMILY [link] [comments]


2020.09.06 19:29 throwawayacc387w983 Cams sex smoking

I don't know where to begin, quite honestly...
I'm a 30 year old (male) living with my Father (67). I've never been self-sufficient, never been on my own--you could say I'm truly in 'arrested development.' I wholeheartedly believe this to be an issue entirely of its own to unpack but I believe this issue is more pressing; perhaps I'm wrong...
Within the last year my mother passed away from stage iv lung cancer (last November),--among various other issues such as long stints of power outages and the obvious pandemic affecting the world--things have gone from bad to worse and I believe it's untenable the way things are now,--but I have no recourse on what to do given my circumstances and I'm hoping someone can provide some clear steps to take.
Anyway, this is all compounding my Father's underlying and untreated alcoholism. He's also as extremely bigoted/stubborn/close-minded/technophobe as a baby-boomer can get (no offense),-- his world views/agency/moral compass is extremely suspect and it has always been hard to maintain any level of a relationship with him.
He worked an 8-5 job as an electrician/stage-hand for most of his adult life after he gave up his pursuit of being a musician around when I was born. He has used this anchor point as an excuse for all of his absentee-ism as a parent/lack of rearing a son. He works, so he believes doesn't need to be a father, doesn't need to teach/talk to his son about things such as what encompasses being an adult--and still holds this view today despite his son being 30 without a job/income/relationships/savings/basic identification.
I don't hold my failings entirely on my father and mother but I strongly believe they were above-and-beyond, the largest contribute to the state of my mental wellness.
Back on topic, when my mother died, the drinking (which my mother enabled/kept tabs on) saw an escalation to the point of me waking up in the middle of the night to a loud crash and finding my father strewn out across the floor, pissed his pants, muttering nonsense. Where he has fell has also been dangerously close to injuring himself in a serious way. This has happened now on 3 such occasions (2 of which he denies/downplays) among other degenerate/disturbing behaviors:

  1. he's now using the internet (which he can barely navigate) to talk to I imagine are escorts/sex workers/cam girls that are preying on exactly his type to take him for what he's worth.
  2. his 'bar' originally consisted of far too much regular-ass budweiser beer. It's now fully stocked with multiple handles of vodka and rum and various mixers.
  3. his sleep schedule is a total nightmare. he's waking up at noon-2pm and just today I see him up at 9:30am the next day.
My father has not taken the passing on my mom well but... I don't really empathize with him, whatsoever.
For someone who most certainly has life-altering mental scars from a drunk absent father with a overbearing/sheltering mother combo-- I took up any and all house responsibilities (that I wasn't already doing), gave my father the most space you could possibly ask for for grieving and tried against my better judgement to check in with him (which always resulted in overblown freak-outs and lashing out at his totally innocent son.)
I don't feel bad. He had a wife that did everything in the house so he didn't have to. He purposely took more hours so he didn't need to spend time at home. They mismanaged their money and were extremely reluctant to adopt modern means of living (online billing/banking, online shopping, cord-cutting.) and have been paying for it every day. His son never got arrested, never did drugs or had any substance abuse problems, and never stole/asked for very much money at all, during my entire extended stay with them.
Yes times are hard right now for everyone. But it's his own fault he has no hobbies or projects in the interim. It's his fault he doesn't have any mature coping mechanisms for loss, while he shuns away help and lashes out at others (which long precedes my mom's passing).
We have the money to get us through this unemployment period. We (should) have each other but he has no interest in repairing/restarting/beginning a relationship with his troubled (now 30) son. His focus should be on getting psychological counseling and therapy, instilling good eating/sleeping regime and supporting his son finally getting off his feet.
None of those things seem in the cards for me. This man would blow cigarette smoke in the direction of my mother (on chemo) whilst they've been smoking for 40+ years despite me getting chastised for suggesting they ever quit.
No one has robbed my father of his ability to do what he wants, when he wants. There is just a massive time sink that isn't being filled and a partner that can't shore up and facilitate his ineptitude he must now face.
I know why he drinks, but I do not care. When you choose to have a family then neglect that family in ever interpersonal way with the caveat that being a personal coffers for them is justifies this--is just beyond me.
I also lost my mom (we had a terrible relationship and were not on good terms during her passing), have no relationships (personal or otherwise), no career, no future, no present and yet I don't spiral out of control at the expense of others. Because I know how that feels, having it done to me.
Can't bring any of this up to my father (I've tried) --he'll mock me/lash out/walk away/begin smoking/drinking and worst of all threaten homelessness on me by calling the police to remove me from my life-long home with my pets, as if a father never raising their son but then expecting to pull the plug on them just because 'I'm 30" is the most hurtful of all.
I ostracized myself early in my teens to my family-at-large. I have no contact with them. I turned away what friends I've ever had, decades ago and have been subsisting on online connections that are fleeting.
I have no savings (that I'm aware of), no identification, no credit, no employment or anything...
I have been suicidal many times in my life, but the frequency of which right now that I question my life has hit a fever pitch.
I left a lot out because, how couldn't you with 20+ years of baggage and resentment and most importantly--context. If anyone would like me to clarity or explain things further I'd be glad to provide it to help get a better picture.
TDLR;
Male (30) lives with his father (67) and has never left on their own. Majorly fucked-up parental rearing caused an emotionally/mentally distressed son. No savings/no credit/no formal education (junior in high school), no friends/family that can be contacted for help/stay. Father is a drunk and abuser in denial since before the recent passing of my mother. Pandemic/power-outages-deaths in the family have caused turmoil to spill over where it was kept boiling under the surface for decades. I have no outlet or means to get out of this situation and my father is unwilling to come to terms or build a working relationship with his failings/inadaquecies that are making this time especially difficult.
I'm just lost, and alone and afraid and I need anyone to see this. I don't know where to turn for actionable steps to get out of this and at least save myself because my father is destroying himself and me all the same.
submitted by throwawayacc387w983 to raisedbynarcissists [link] [comments]


2020.09.06 17:04 throwawayacc387w983 Smoking sex cams

I don't know where to begin, quite honestly...
I'm a 30 year old (male) living with my Father (67). I've never been self-sufficient, never been on my own--you could say I'm truly in 'arrested development.' I wholeheartedly believe this to be an issue entirely of its own to unpack but I believe this issue is more pressing; perhaps I'm wrong...
Within the last year my mother passed away from stage iv lung cancer (last November),--among various other issues such as long stints of power outages and the obvious pandemic affecting the world--things have gone from bad to worse and I believe it's untenable the way things are now,--but I have no recourse on what to do given my circumstances and I'm hoping someone can provide some clear steps to take.
Anyway, this is all compounding my Father's underlying and untreated alcoholism. He's also as extremely bigoted/stubborn/close-minded/technophobe as a baby-boomer can get (no offense),-- his world views/agency/moral compass is extremely suspect and it has always been hard to maintain any level of a relationship with him.
He worked an 8-5 job as an electrician/stage-hand for most of his adult life after he gave up his pursuit of being a musician around when I was born. He has used this anchor point as an excuse for all of his absentee-ism as a parent/lack of rearing a son. He works, so he believes doesn't need to be a father, doesn't need to teach/talk to his son about things such as what encompasses being an adult--and still holds this view today despite his son being 30 without a job/income/relationships/savings/basic identification.
I don't hold my failings entirely on my father and mother but I strongly believe they were above-and-beyond, the largest contribute to the state of my mental wellness.
Back on topic, when my mother died, the drinking (which my mother enabled/kept tabs on) saw an escalation to the point of me waking up in the middle of the night to a loud crash and finding my father strewn out across the floor, pissed his pants, muttering nonsense. Where he has fell has also been dangerously close to injuring himself in a serious way. This has happened now on 3 such occasions (2 of which he denies/downplays) among other degenerate/disturbing behaviors:

  1. he's now using the internet (which he can barely navigate) to talk to I imagine are escorts/sex workers/cam girls that are preying on exactly his type to take him for what he's worth.
  2. his 'bar' originally consisted of far too much regular-ass budweiser beer. It's now fully stocked with multiple handles of vodka and rum and various mixers.
  3. his sleep schedule is a total nightmare. he's waking up at noon-2pm and just today I see him up at 9:30am the next day.
My father has not taken the passing on my mom well but... I don't really empathize with him, whatsoever.
For someone who most certainly has life-altering mental scars from a drunk absent father with a overbearing/sheltering mother combo-- I took up any and all house responsibilities (that I wasn't already doing), gave my father the most space you could possibly ask for for grieving and tried against my better judgement to check in with him (which always resulted in overblown freak-outs and lashing out at his totally innocent son.)
I don't feel bad. He had a wife that did everything in the house so he didn't have to. He purposely took more hours so he didn't need to spend time at home. They mismanaged their money and were extremely reluctant to adopt modern means of living (online billing/banking, online shopping, cord-cutting.) and have been paying for it every day. His son never got arrested, never did drugs or had any substance abuse problems, and never stole/asked for very much money at all, during my entire extended stay with them.
Yes times are hard right now for everyone. But it's his own fault he has no hobbies or projects in the interim. It's his fault he doesn't have any mature coping mechanisms for loss, while he shuns away help and lashes out at others (which long precedes my mom's passing).
We have the money to get us through this unemployment period. We (should) have each other but he has no interest in repairing/restarting/beginning a relationship with his troubled (now 30) son. His focus should be on getting psychological counseling and therapy, instilling good eating/sleeping regime and supporting his son finally getting off his feet.
None of those things seem in the cards for me. This man would blow cigarette smoke in the direction of my mother (on chemo) whilst they've been smoking for 40+ years despite me getting chastised for suggesting they ever quit.
No one has robbed my father of his ability to do what he wants, when he wants. There is just a massive time sink that isn't being filled and a partner that can't shore up and facilitate his ineptitude he must now face.
I know why he drinks, but I do not care. When you choose to have a family then neglect that family in ever interpersonal way with the caveat that being a personal coffers for them is justifies this--is just beyond me.
I also lost my mom (we had a terrible relationship and were not on good terms during her passing), have no relationships (personal or otherwise), no career, no future, no present and yet I don't spiral out of control at the expense of others. Because I know how that feels, having it done to me.
Can't bring any of this up to my father (I've tried) --he'll mock me/lash out/walk away/begin smoking/drinking and worst of all threaten homelessness on me by calling the police to remove me from my life-long home with my pets, as if a father never raising their son but then expecting to pull the plug on them just because 'I'm 30" is the most hurtful of all.
I ostracized myself early in my teens to my family-at-large. I have no contact with them. I turned away what friends I've ever had, decades ago and have been subsisting on online connections that are fleeting.
I have no savings (that I'm aware of), no identification, no credit, no employment or anything...
I have been suicidal many times in my life, but the frequency of which right now that I question my life has hit a fever pitch.
I left a lot out because, how couldn't you with 20+ years of baggage and resentment and most importantly--context. If anyone would like me to clarity or explain things further I'd be glad to provide it to help get a better picture.
TDLR;
Male (30) lives with his father (67) and has never left on their own. Majorly fucked-up parental rearing caused an emotionally/mentally distressed son. No savings/no credit/no formal education (junior in high school), no friends/family that can be contacted for help/stay. Father is a drunk and abuser in denial since before the recent passing of my mother. Pandemic/power-outages-deaths in the family have caused turmoil to spill over where it was kept boiling under the surface for decades. I have no outlet or means to get out of this situation and my father is unwilling to come to terms or build a working relationship with his failings/inadaquecies that are making this time especially difficult.
I'm just lost, and alone and afraid and I need anyone to see this. I don't know where to turn for actionable steps to get out of this and at least save myself because my father is destroying himself and me all the same.
submitted by throwawayacc387w983 to LifeAdvice [link] [comments]


2020.09.06 16:06 throwawayacc387w983 Smoking sex cams

I don't know where to begin, quite honestly...
I'm a 30 year old (male) living with my Father (67). I've never been self-sufficient, never been on my own--you could say I'm truly in 'arrested development.' I wholeheartedly believe this to be an issue entirely of its own to unpack but I believe this issue is more pressing; perhaps I'm wrong...
Within the last year my mother passed away from stage iv lung cancer (last November),--among various other issues such as long stints of power outages and the obvious pandemic affecting the world--things have gone from bad to worse and I believe it's untenable the way things are now,--but I have no recourse on what to do given my circumstances and I'm hoping someone can provide some clear steps to take.
Anyway, this is all compounding my Father's underlying and untreated alcoholism. He's also as extremely bigoted/stubborn/close-minded/technophobe as a baby-boomer can get (no offense),-- his world views/agency/moral compass is extremely suspect and it has always been hard to maintain any level of a relationship with him.
He worked an 8-5 job as an electrician/stage-hand for most of his adult life after he gave up his pursuit of being a musician around when I was born. He has used this anchor point as an excuse for all of his absentee-ism as a parent/lack of rearing a son. He works, so he believes doesn't need to be a father, doesn't need to teach/talk to his son about things such as what encompasses being an adult--and still holds this view today despite his son being 30 without a job/income/relationships/savings/basic identification.
I don't hold my failings entirely on my father and mother but I strongly believe they were above-and-beyond, the largest contribute to the state of my mental wellness.
Back on topic, when my mother died, the drinking (which my mother enabled/kept tabs on) saw an escalation to the point of me waking up in the middle of the night to a loud crash and finding my father strewn out across the floor, pissed his pants, muttering nonsense. Where he has fell has also been dangerously close to injuring himself in a serious way. This has happened now on 3 such occasions (2 of which he denies/downplays) among other degenerate/disturbing behaviors:

  1. he's now using the internet (which he can barely navigate) to talk to I imagine are escorts/sex workers/cam girls that are preying on exactly his type to take him for what he's worth.
  2. his 'bar' originally consisted of far too much regular-ass budweiser beer. It's now fully stocked with multiple handles of vodka and rum and various mixers.
  3. his sleep schedule is a total nightmare. he's waking up at noon-2pm and just today I see him up at 9:30am the next day.
My father has not taken the passing on my mom well but... I don't really empathize with him, whatsoever.
For someone who most certainly has life-altering mental scars from a drunk absent father with a overbearing/sheltering mother combo-- I took up any and all house responsibilities (that I wasn't already doing), gave my father the most space you could possibly ask for for grieving and tried against my better judgement to check in with him (which always resulted in overblown freak-outs and lashing out at his totally innocent son.)
I don't feel bad. He had a wife that did everything in the house so he didn't have to. He purposely took more hours so he didn't need to spend time at home. They mismanaged their money and were extremely reluctant to adopt modern means of living (online billing/banking, online shopping, cord-cutting.) and have been paying for it every day. His son never got arrested, never did drugs or had any substance abuse problems, and never stole/asked for very much money at all, during my entire extended stay with them.
Yes times are hard right now for everyone. But it's his own fault he has no hobbies or projects in the interim. It's his fault he doesn't have any mature coping mechanisms for loss, while he shuns away help and lashes out at others (which long precedes my mom's passing).
We have the money to get us through this unemployment period. We (should) have each other but he has no interest in repairing/restarting/beginning a relationship with his troubled (now 30) son. His focus should be on getting psychological counseling and therapy, instilling good eating/sleeping regime and supporting his son finally getting off his feet.
None of those things seem in the cards for me. This man would blow cigarette smoke in the direction of my mother (on chemo) whilst they've been smoking for 40+ years despite me getting chastised for suggesting they ever quit.
No one has robbed my father of his ability to do what he wants, when he wants. There is just a massive time sink that isn't being filled and a partner that can't shore up and facilitate his ineptitude he must now face.
I know why he drinks, but I do not care. When you choose to have a family then neglect that family in ever interpersonal way with the caveat that being a personal coffers for them is justifies this--is just beyond me.
I also lost my mom (we had a terrible relationship and were not on good terms during her passing), have no relationships (personal or otherwise), no career, no future, no present and yet I don't spiral out of control at the expense of others. Because I know how that feels, having it done to me.
Can't bring any of this up to my father (I've tried) --he'll mock me/lash out/walk away/begin smoking/drinking and worst of all threaten homelessness on me by calling the police to remove me from my life-long home with my pets, as if a father never raising their son but then expecting to pull the plug on them just because 'I'm 30" is the most hurtful of all.
I ostracized myself early in my teens to my family-at-large. I have no contact with them. I turned away what friends I've ever had, decades ago and have been subsisting on online connections that are fleeting.
I have no savings (that I'm aware of), no identification, no credit, no employment or anything...
I have been suicidal many times in my life, but the frequency of which right now that I question my life has hit a fever pitch.
I left a lot out because, how couldn't you with 20+ years of baggage and resentment and most importantly--context. If anyone would like me to clarity or explain things further I'd be glad to provide it to help get a better picture.
TDLR;
Male (30) lives with his father (67) and has never left on their own. Majorly fucked-up parental rearing caused an emotionally/mentally distressed son. No savings/no credit/no formal education (junior in high school), no friends/family that can be contacted for help/stay. Father is a drunk and abuser in denial since before the recent passing of my mother. Pandemic/power-outages-deaths in the family have caused turmoil to spill over where it was kept boiling under the surface for decades. I have no outlet or means to get out of this situation and my father is unwilling to come to terms or build a working relationship with his failings/inadaquecies that are making this time especially difficult.
I'm just lost, and alone and afraid and I need anyone to see this. I don't know where to turn for actionable steps to get out of this and at least save myself because my father is destroying himself and me all the same.
submitted by throwawayacc387w983 to helpme [link] [comments]


2020.09.06 15:51 throwawayacc387w983 Smoking sex cams

I don't know where to begin, quite honestly...
I'm a 30 year old (male) living with my Father (67). I've never been self-sufficient, never been on my own--you could say I'm truly in 'arrested development.' I wholeheartedly believe this to be an issue entirely of its own to unpack but I believe this issue is more pressing; perhaps I'm wrong...
Within the last year my mother passed away from stage iv lung cancer (last November),--among various other issues such as long stints of power outages and the obvious pandemic affecting the world--things have gone from bad to worse and I believe it's untenable the way things are now,--but I have no recourse on what to do given my circumstances and I'm hoping someone can provide some clear steps to take.
Anyway, this is all compounding my Father's underlying and untreated alcoholism. He's also as extremely bigoted/stubborn/close-minded/technophobe as a baby-boomer can get (no offense),-- his world views/agency/moral compass is extremely suspect and it has always been hard to maintain any level of a relationship with him.
He worked an 8-5 job as an electrician/stage-hand for most of his adult life after he gave up his pursuit of being a musician around when I was born. He has used this anchor point as an excuse for all of his absentee-ism as a parent/lack of rearing a son. He works, so he believes doesn't need to be a father, doesn't need to teach/talk to his son about things such as what encompasses being an adult--and still holds this view today despite his son being 30 without a job/income/relationships/savings/basic identification.
I don't hold my failings entirely on my father and mother but I strongly believe they were above-and-beyond, the largest contribute to the state of my mental wellness.
Back on topic, when my mother died, the drinking (which my mother enabled/kept tabs on) saw an escalation to the point of me waking up in the middle of the night to a loud crash and finding my father strewn out across the floor, pissed his pants, muttering nonsense. Where he has fell has also been dangerously close to injuring himself in a serious way. This has happened now on 3 such occasions (2 of which he denies/downplays) among other degenerate/disturbing behaviors:

  1. he's now using the internet (which he can barely navigate) to talk to I imagine are escorts/sex workers/cam girls that are preying on exactly his type to take him for what he's worth.
  2. his 'bar' originally consisted of far too much regular-ass budweiser beer. It's now fully stocked with multiple handles of vodka and rum and various mixers.
  3. his sleep schedule is a total nightmare. he's waking up at noon-2pm and just today I see him up at 9:30am the next day.
My father has not taken the passing on my mom well but... I don't really empathize with him, whatsoever.
For someone who most certainly has life-altering mental scars from a drunk absent father with a overbearing/sheltering mother combo-- I took up any and all house responsibilities (that I wasn't already doing), gave my father the most space you could possibly ask for for grieving and tried against my better judgement to check in with him (which always resulted in overblown freak-outs and lashing out at his totally innocent son.)
I don't feel bad. He had a wife that did everything in the house so he didn't have to. He purposely took more hours so he didn't need to spend time at home. They mismanaged their money and were extremely reluctant to adopt modern means of living (online billing/banking, online shopping, cord-cutting.) and have been paying for it every day. His son never got arrested, never did drugs or had any substance abuse problems, and never stole/asked for very much money at all, during my entire extended stay with them.
Yes times are hard right now for everyone. But it's his own fault he has no hobbies or projects in the interim. It's his fault he doesn't have any mature coping mechanisms for loss, while he shuns away help and lashes out at others (which long precedes my mom's passing).
We have the money to get us through this unemployment period. We (should) have each other but he has no interest in repairing/restarting/beginning a relationship with his troubled (now 30) son. His focus should be on getting psychological counseling and therapy, instilling good eating/sleeping regime and supporting his son finally getting off his feet.
None of those things seem in the cards for me. This man would blow cigarette smoke in the direction of my mother (on chemo) whilst they've been smoking for 40+ years despite me getting chastised for suggesting they ever quit.
No one has robbed my father of his ability to do what he wants, when he wants. There is just a massive time sink that isn't being filled and a partner that can't shore up and facilitate his ineptitude he must now face.
I know why he drinks, but I do not care. When you choose to have a family then neglect that family in ever interpersonal way with the caveat that being a personal coffers for them is justifies this--is just beyond me.
I also lost my mom (we had a terrible relationship and were not on good terms during her passing), have no relationships (personal or otherwise), no career, no future, no present and yet I don't spiral out of control at the expense of others. Because I know how that feels, having it done to me.
Can't bring any of this up to my father (I've tried) --he'll mock me/lash out/walk away/begin smoking/drinking and worst of all threaten homelessness on me by calling the police to remove me from my life-long home with my pets, as if a father never raising their son but then expecting to pull the plug on them just because 'I'm 30" is the most hurtful of all.
I ostracized myself early in my teens to my family-at-large. I have no contact with them. I turned away what friends I've ever had, decades ago and have been subsisting on online connections that are fleeting.
I have no savings (that I'm aware of), no identification, no credit, no employment or anything...
I have been suicidal many times in my life, but the frequency of which right now that I question my life has hit a fever pitch.
I left a lot out because, how couldn't you with 20+ years of baggage and resentment and most importantly--context. If anyone would like me to clarity or explain things further I'd be glad to provide it to help get a better picture.
TDLR;
Male (30) lives with his father (67) and has never left on their own. Majorly fucked-up parental rearing caused an emotionally/mentally distressed son. No savings/no credit/no formal education (junior in high school), no friends/family that can be contacted for help/stay. Father is a drunk and abuser in denial since before the recent passing of my mother. Pandemic/power-outages-deaths in the family have caused turmoil to spill over where it was kept boiling under the surface for decades. I have no outlet or means to get out of this situation and my father is unwilling to come to terms or build a working relationship with his failings/inadaquecies that are making this time especially difficult.
I'm just lost, and alone and afraid and I need anyone to see this. I don't know where to turn for actionable steps to get out of this and at least save myself because my father is destroying himself and me all the same.
submitted by throwawayacc387w983 to Advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.06 15:22 throwawayacc387w983 I need advice about my recently widowed & alcoholic father

I don't know where to begin, quite honestly...
I'm a 30 year old (male) living with my Father (67). I've never been self-sufficient, never been on my own--you could say I'm truly in 'arrested development.' I wholeheartedly believe this to be an issue entirely of its own to unpack but I believe this issue is more pressing; perhaps I'm wrong...
Within the last year my mother passed away from stage iv lung cancer (last November),--among various other issues such as long stints of power outages and the obvious pandemic affecting the world--things have gone from bad to worse and I believe it's untenable the way things are now,--but I have no recourse on what to do given my circumstances and I'm hoping someone can provide some clear steps to take.
Anyway, this is all compounding my Father's underlying and untreated alcoholism. He's also as extremely bigoted/stubborn/close-minded/technophobe as a baby-boomer can get (no offense),-- his world views/agency/moral compass is extremely suspect and it has always been hard to maintain any level of a relationship with him.
He worked an 8-5 job as an electrician/stage-hand for most of his adult life after he gave up his pursuit of being a musician around when I was born. He has used this anchor point as an excuse for all of his absentee-ism as a parent/lack of rearing a son. He works, so he believes doesn't need to be a father, doesn't need to teach/talk to his son about things such as what encompasses being an adult--and still holds this view today despite his son being 30 without a job/income/relationships/savings/basic identification.
I don't hold my failings entirely on my father and mother but I strongly believe they were above-and-beyond, the largest contribute to the state of my mental wellness.
Back on topic, when my mother died, the drinking (which my mother enabled/kept tabs on) saw an escalation to the point of me waking up in the middle of the night to a loud crash and finding my father strewn out across the floor, pissed his pants, muttering nonsense. Where he has fell has also been dangerously close to injuring himself in a serious way. This has happened now on 3 such occasions (2 of which he denies/downplays) among other degenerate/disturbing behaviors:

  1. he's now using the internet (which he can barely navigate) to talk to I imagine are escorts/sex workers/cam girls that are preying on exactly his type to take him for what he's worth.
  2. his 'bar' originally consisted of far too much regular-ass budweiser beer. It's now fully stocked with multiple handles of vodka and rum and various mixers.
  3. his sleep schedule is a total nightmare. he's waking up at noon-2pm and just today I see him up at 9:30am the next day.
My father has not taken the passing on my mom well but... I don't really empathize with him, whatsoever.
For someone who most certainly has life-altering mental scars from a drunk absent father with a overbearing/sheltering mother combo-- I took up any and all house responsibilities (that I wasn't already doing), gave my father the most space you could possibly ask for for grieving and tried against my better judgement to check in with him (which always resulted in overblown freak-outs and lashing out at his totally innocent son.)
I don't feel bad. He had a wife that did everything in the house so he didn't have to. He purposely took more hours so he didn't need to spend time at home. They mismanaged their money and were extremely reluctant to adopt modern means of living (online billing/banking, online shopping, cord-cutting.) and have been paying for it every day. His son never got arrested, never did drugs or had any substance abuse problems, and never stole/asked for very much money at all, during my entire extended stay with them.
Yes times are hard right now for everyone. But it's his own fault he has no hobbies or projects in the interim. It's his fault he doesn't have any mature coping mechanisms for loss, while he shuns away help and lashes out at others (which long precedes my mom's passing).
We have the money to get us through this unemployment period. We (should) have each other but he has no interest in repairing/restarting/beginning a relationship with his troubled (now 30) son. His focus should be on getting psychological counseling and therapy, instilling good eating/sleeping regime and supporting his son finally getting off his feet.
None of those things seem in the cards for me. This man would blow cigarette smoke in the direction of my mother (on chemo) whilst they've been smoking for 40+ years despite me getting chastised for suggesting they ever quit.
No one has robbed my father of his ability to do what he wants, when he wants. There is just a massive time sink that isn't being filled and a partner that can't shore up and facilitate his ineptitude he must now face.
I know why he drinks, but I do not care. When you choose to have a family then neglect that family in ever interpersonal way with the caveat that being a personal coffers for them is justifies this--is just beyond me.
I also lost my mom (we had a terrible relationship and were not on good terms during her passing), have no relationships (personal or otherwise), no career, no future, no present and yet I don't spiral out of control at the expense of others. Because I know how that feels, having it done to me.
Can't bring any of this up to my father (I've tried) --he'll mock me/lash out/walk away/begin smoking/drinking and worst of all threaten homelessness on me by calling the police to remove me from my life-long home with my pets, as if a father never raising their son but then expecting to pull the plug on them just because 'I'm 30" is the most hurtful of all.
I ostracized myself early in my teens to my family-at-large. I have no contact with them. I turned away what friends I've ever had, decades ago and have been subsisting on online connections that are fleeting.
I have no savings (that I'm aware of), no identification, no credit, no employment or anything...
I have been suicidal many times in my life, but the frequency of which right now that I question my life has hit a fever pitch.
I left a lot out because, how couldn't you with 20+ years of baggage and resentment and most importantly--context. If anyone would like me to clarity or explain things further I'd be glad to provide it to help get a better picture.
TDLR;
Male (30) lives with his father (67) and has never left on their own. Majorly fucked-up parental rearing caused an emotionally/mentally distressed son. No savings/no credit/no formal education (junior in high school), no friends/family that can be contacted for help/stay. Father is a drunk and abuser in denial since before the recent passing of my mother. Pandemic/power-outages-deaths in the family have caused turmoil to spill over where it was kept boiling under the surface for decades. I have no outlet or means to get out of this situation and my father is unwilling to come to terms or build a working relationship with his failings/inadaquecies that are making this time especially difficult.
I'm just lost, and alone and afraid and I need anyone to see this. I don't know where to turn for actionable steps to get out of this and at least save myself because my father is destroying himself and me all the same.
submitted by throwawayacc387w983 to SuicideWatch [link] [comments]


2020.09.06 14:55 throwawayacc387w983 Smoking sex cams

I don't know where to begin, quite honestly...
I'm a 30 year old (male) living with my Father (67). I've never been self-sufficient, never been on my own--you could say I'm truly in 'arrested development.' I wholeheartedly believe this to be an issue entirely of its own to unpack but I believe this issue is more pressing; perhaps I'm wrong...
Within the last year my mother passed away from stage iv lung cancer (last November),--among various other issues such as long stints of power outages and the obvious pandemic affecting the world--things have gone from bad to worse and I believe it's untenable the way things are now,--but I have no recourse on what to do given my circumstances and I'm hoping someone can provide some clear steps to take.
Anyway, this is all compounding my Father's underlying and untreated alcoholism. He's also as extremely bigoted/stubborn/close-minded/technophobe as a baby-boomer can get (no offense),-- his world views/agency/moral compass is extremely suspect and it has always been hard to maintain any level of a relationship with him.
He worked an 8-5 job as an electrician/stage-hand for most of his adult life after he gave up his pursuit of being a musician around when I was born. He has used this anchor point as an excuse for all of his absentee-ism as a parent/lack of rearing a son. He works, so he believes doesn't need to be a father, doesn't need to teach/talk to his son about things such as what encompasses being an adult--and still holds this view today despite his son being 30 without a job/income/relationships/savings/basic identification.
I don't hold my failings entirely on my father and mother but I strongly believe they were above-and-beyond, the largest contribute to the state of my mental wellness.
Back on topic, when my mother died, the drinking (which my mother enabled/kept tabs on) saw an escalation to the point of me waking up in the middle of the night to a loud crash and finding my father strewn out across the floor, pissed his pants, muttering nonsense. Where he has fell has also been dangerously close to injuring himself in a serious way. This has happened now on 3 such occasions (2 of which he denies/downplays) among other degenerate/disturbing behaviors:

  1. he's now using the internet (which he can barely navigate) to talk to I imagine are escorts/sex workers/cam girls that are preying on exactly his type to take him for what he's worth.
  2. his 'bar' originally consisted of far too much regular-ass budweiser beer. It's now fully stocked with multiple handles of vodka and rum and various mixers.
  3. his sleep schedule is a total nightmare. he's waking up at noon-2pm and just today I see him up at 9:30am the next day.
My father has not taken the passing on my mom well but... I don't really empathize with him, whatsoever.
For someone who most certainly has life-altering mental scars from a drunk absent father with a overbearing/sheltering mother combo-- I took up any and all house responsibilities (that I wasn't already doing), gave my father the most space you could possibly ask for for grieving and tried against my better judgement to check in with him (which always resulted in overblown freak-outs and lashing out at his totally innocent son.)
I don't feel bad. He had a wife that did everything in the house so he didn't have to. He purposely took more hours so he didn't need to spend time at home. They mismanaged their money and were extremely reluctant to adopt modern means of living (online billing/banking, online shopping, cord-cutting.) and have been paying for it every day. His son never got arrested, never did drugs or had any substance abuse problems, and never stole/asked for very much money at all, during my entire extended stay with them.
Yes times are hard right now for everyone. But it's his own fault he has no hobbies or projects in the interim. It's his fault he doesn't have any mature coping mechanisms for loss, while he shuns away help and lashes out at others (which long precedes my mom's passing).
We have the money to get us through this unemployment period. We (should) have each other but he has no interest in repairing/restarting/beginning a relationship with his troubled (now 30) son. His focus should be on getting psychological counseling and therapy, instilling good eating/sleeping regime and supporting his son finally getting off his feet.
None of those things seem in the cards for me. This man would blow cigarette smoke in the direction of my mother (on chemo) whilst they've been smoking for 40+ years despite me getting chastised for suggesting they ever quit.
No one has robbed my father of his ability to do what he wants, when he wants. There is just a massive time sink that isn't being filled and a partner that can't shore up and facilitate his ineptitude he must now face.
I know why he drinks, but I do not care. When you choose to have a family then neglect that family in ever interpersonal way with the caveat that being a personal coffers for them is justifies this--is just beyond me.
I also lost my mom (we had a terrible relationship and were not on good terms during her passing), have no relationships (personal or otherwise), no career, no future, no present and yet I don't spiral out of control at the expense of others. Because I know how that feels, having it done to me.
Can't bring any of this up to my father (I've tried) --he'll mock me/lash out/walk away/begin smoking/drinking and worst of all threaten homelessness on me by calling the police to remove me from my life-long home with my pets, as if a father never raising their son but then expecting to pull the plug on them just because 'I'm 30" is the most hurtful of all.
I ostracized myself early in my teens to my family-at-large. I have no contact with them. I turned away what friends I've ever had, decades ago and have been subsisting on online connections that are fleeting.
I have no savings (that I'm aware of), no identification, no credit, no employment or anything...
I have been suicidal many times in my life, but the frequency of which right now that I question my life has hit a fever pitch.
I left a lot out because, how couldn't you with 20+ years of baggage and resentment and most importantly--context. If anyone would like me to clarity or explain things further I'd be glad to provide it to help get a better picture.

TDLR;
Male (30) lives with his father (67) and has never left on their own. Majorly fucked-up parental rearing caused an emotionally/mentally distressed son. No savings/no credit/no formal education (junior in high school), no friends/family that can be contacted for help/stay. Father is a drunk and abuser in denial since before the recent passing of my mother. Pandemic/power-outages-deaths in the family have caused turmoil to spill over where it was kept boiling under the surface for decades. I have no outlet or means to get out of this situation and my father is unwilling to come to terms or build a working relationship with his failings/inadaquecies that are making this time especially difficult.
I'm just lost, and alone and afraid and I need anyone to see this. I don't know where to turn for actionable steps to get out of this and at least save myself because my father is destroying himself and me all the same.
submitted by throwawayacc387w983 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


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