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2020.08.25 09:30 RebornInLife Ancient views on semen, celibacy and rituals

Previous post.
I’d like to just preface this saying this is a sort of a collection of views, nothing more. I believe throughout the ages much of the knowledge was hidden or wrapped up in stories that you have to figure out. There was also just crazy ideas made on obvious short term observations. Kind of like after a Third World war some guy in a tribe starts again figuring out that men are stronger and smarter on semen retention and then uses it to grow his family and influence and sabotages others and uses hot girls as weapons against the stronger ones. Because this knowledge is the knowledge of reality itself, like gravity or 2+2 being 4, it will always re-emerge again and again. And fools will laugh again and again. And so will people who do it 3 months or 3 years or 30 years. This can also be used to find more info on particular topics.
Jews historically shared the abhorrence of male masturbation that characterized other societies. Interestingly, although the prohibition was not debated, legal writers had difficulty locating a biblical base for it, and no less an authority than Maimonides claimed that it could not be punishable by the court because there was not an explicit negative commandment forbidding it.
In the case of males, the prohibition undoubtedly stemmed in part from assumptions about the medical consequences of ejaculation. Maimonides articulates this:
Semen constitutes the strength of the body, its life, and the light of the eyes. Its emission to excess causes physical decay, debility, and diminished vitality. Thus Solomon, in his wisdom, says: ‘Do not give your strength to women’ (Proverbs 31:3). Whoever indulges in sexual dissipation becomes prematurely aged; his strength fails; his eyes become dim; a foul odor proceeds from his mouth and armpits; the hair of his head, eyebrows, and eyelashes drop out; the hair of his beard, armpits, and legs grow abnormally; his teeth fall out; and besides these, he becomes subject to numerous other diseases. Medical authorities have stated that for each one who dies of other maladies, a thousand are the victims of sexual excess.
Jewish sources on ejaculation in the specific context of masturbation, however, do not base the prohibition primarily on medical considerations, at least not in that language. They focus rather on concerns about self‑pollution, the murder of unborn generations, and the creation of demons.
In the Bible, Onan is killed by God for “wasting the seed.” The act to which this phrase refers is interrupted coitus, but the Jewish mystical tra­dition applied it to masturbation as well.
Taking their cue from this biblical phrase, the mystics asserted that since a man who masturbates prevents the use of that semen for conceiving a child, he is guilty not only of murder but of the murder of his own (potential) children. He is therefore a criminal more reprehensible than any other. On the other hand, ejaculation is prized in heterosexual relations, even in those that do not lead to procreation, and no “murder” is said to take place, nor are the forces of evil enhanced.
Check out the movie
The mystics also claimed that even involuntary emissions of semen created demons, which were a danger not only to the man who masturbated but to the entire community. Such notions appear in folk literature as well as in rabbinic mystical texts. Thus the narrator in I.B. Singer’s short story, “From the Diary of One Not Born,” says: “I was not born. My father, a yeshivah student, sinned as did Onan, and from his seed I was created‑half spirit, half‑demon…I am and I am not.”
In modern times, many Orthodox Jews retain these beliefs and prohibitions, but Conservative, Reform, and unaffiliated Jews largely do not. The grounds for this change are largely medical: neither physicians nor laypeople believe that masturbation has the medical consequences described by Maimonides. Moreover, few believe the mystical tradition’s depiction of the dire results of masturbation. To date, none of the three movements has taken an official position validating masturbation, but in practice the tradition’s abhorrence of masturbation is largely ignored.
In contrast, the Zohar, following a talmudic legend, stresses the origin of the demons in sexual intercourse between humans and demonic powers. Some demons, such as Lilith, were created during the six days of Creation, and in particular on the Sabbath eve at twilight, as disembodied spirits. They sought to take on the form of a body through association with humans, at first with Adam when he separated from Eve and then with all his descendants. However, the demons who were created out of such unions also long for this kind of intercourse. The sexual element in the relationship of man and demons holds a prominent place in the demonology of the Zohar, as well as that of several later kabbalistic works. Every pollution of semen gives birth to demons. The details of these relationships are remarkably similar to the beliefs current in Christian medieval demonology about succubi and incubi. They are based on the assumption (contrary to the talmudic opinion) that these demons have no procreating ability of their own and need the human semen in order to multiply.
Ultra orthodox Jews
Haredi boys are required to urinate without touching their sexual organs, and that, starting at age 13, every ultra-Orthodox male wears a kind of long, especially wide, underwear that allows him to urinate without touching the penis.
In his film (Sacred Sperm), Gruder spends quite a few minutes in conversations with rabbis who tell him how grave the sin of masturbation is, and how ultra-Orthodox society deals with it in educating children and teenagers – who are required to go against their natural urges in the name of religion.
Pythagoras had taught his followers, the Pythagoreans about the important alchemical properties contained in semen. Pythagoras was not celibate or a virgin. He was married and had children, but he also understood that semen is a vital fluid that is of the same substance of our brains and our creative energy. An energy that is best conserved for the brain, rather than just for pleasure secreted through our semen in a wasteful manner. A Pythagorean physician named Alemeon, claimed that the semen, when conserved, is transformed into brain nourishment and represents potential brain matter. Many philosophers were celibate or had practiced continent lives such as Plato, Aristotle, Leonardo da Vinci, Newton, Beethoven, etc.
Masturbation (for both men and women) is haraam (forbidden) in Islam based on the following evidence: First from the Quraan: Imam Shafii stated that masturbation is forbidden based on the following verses from the Quraan (interpretation of the meaning): "And those who guard their chastity (i.e. private parts, from illegal sexual acts). Except from their wives or (the captives and slaves) that their right hands possess, - for them, they are free from blame. But whoever seeks beyond that, then those are the transgressors." 23.5-7 Here the verses are clear in forbidding all illegal sexual acts (including masturbation) except for the wives or that their right hand possess. And whoever seeks beyond that is the transgressor. "And let those who find not the financial means for marriage keep themselves chaste, until Allah enriches them of His bounty." 24.33. This verse also clearly orders whoever does not have the financial means to marry to keep himself chaste and be patient in facing temptations (including masturbation) until Allah enriches them of His bounty. Secondly, from the sunnah of the Prophet (peace be upon him): Abdullaah ibn Masood said, "We were with the Prophet while we were young and had no wealth whatsoever. So Allaahs Messenger said, "O young people! Whoever among you can marry, should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty (i.e. his private parts from committing illegal sexual intercourse etc.), and whoever is not able to marry, should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power." Bukhari:5066. The hadeeth orders men who are not able to marry to fast despite the hardship encountered in doing so, and not to masturbate despite the ease with which it can be done. There are additional evidences that can be cited to support this ruling on masturbation, but due to the limited space we will not go through them here. Allaah knows what is best and most correct. As for curing the habit of masturbation, we recommend the following suggestions: 1) The motive to seek a cure for this problem should be solely following Allaahs orders and fearing His punishment. 2) A permanent and quick cure from this problem lies in marriage as soon as the person is able, as shown in the Prophets hadeeth. 3) Keeping oneself busy with what is good for this world and the hereafter is essential in breaking this habit before it becomes second nature after which it is very difficult to rid oneself of it. 4) Lowering the gaze (from looking at forbidden things such as pictures, movies etc.) will help suppress the desire before it leads one to commit the haraam (forbidden). Allaah orders men and women to lower their gaze as shown in the following two verses and in the Prophets hadeeth (interpretations of the meanings): "Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things) and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. Verily, Allah is all-aware of what they do. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things) and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.) ..... " 24.30-31 Allaahs messenger said: "Do not follow a casual (unintentional) look (at forbidden things) with another look." Al-Tirmidhi 2777. This is a general instruction by the Prophet to abstain from all that may sexually excite a person because it might lead him/her to commit the haraam (forbidden). 5) Using ones available leisure time in worshipping Allaah and increasing religious knowledge. 6) Being cautious not to develop any of the medical symptoms that may result from masturbation such as weak eyesight, weak nervous system, and/or back pain. More importantly, feeling of guilt and anxiety that can be complicated by missing obligatory prayers because of the need to shower (ghusl) after every incidence of masturbation. 7) Avoiding the illusion that some youth have that masturbation is permissible because it prevents them from committing illegal sexual acts such as fornication or even homosexuality. 8) Strengthening ones willpower and avoiding spending time alone as recommended by the Prophet when he said "Do not spend the night alone" Ahmad 6919. 9) Following the Prophets aforementioned hadeeth and fast when possible, because fasting will temper ones sexual desire and keep it under control. However, one should not overreact and swear by Allaah not to return to the act because if one does not honor ones promise, one would be facing the consequences of not living up to ones oath to Allaah. Also, note that medication to diminish ones sexual desire is strictly prohibited because it might permanently affect ones sexual ability. 10) Trying to follow the Prophets recommendation concerning the etiquette of getting ready for bed, such as reading well-known supplications, sleeping on the right side, and avoiding sleeping on the belly (the Prophet forbade sleeping on the belly). 11) Striving hard to be patient and chaste, because persistence will eventually, Allaah willing, lead to attaining those qualities as second nature, as the Prophet explains in the following hadeeth:
"Whoever seeks chastity Allaah will make him chaste, and whoever seeks help from none but Allaah, He will help him, and whoever is patient He will make it easy for him, and no one has ever been given anything better than patience." Bukhari:1469. 12) Repenting, asking forgiveness from Allaah, doing good deeds, and not losing hope and feeling despair are all prerequisites to curing this problem. Note that losing hope is one of the major sins punishable by Allaah. 13) Finally, Allaah is the Most Merciful and He always responds to whoever calls on Him. So, asking for Allahs forgiveness will be accepted, by His will. Wallahu alam. And Allah knows what is best and most correct.
Vedas and yogic lore
"The Science of the ancient Sages (SIDDHAS) teaches that the sexual reproductive power (the Life Force) can be transmuted into superior forms of energy called OJAS and TEJAS. The practitioner causes his seed to rise up to his crown center (SAHASRARA), where it becomes transformed into SOMA, the Nectar of Immortality. Through the TANTRIC procedures, [via the "lymphatic system"], the semen reaches the brain (CORPUS CALLOSUM) where it is processed into extremely subtle energies (OJAS and TEJAS) used by the higher mind. As the physical brain needs oxygen and proteins to function properly, the higher mind (superconsciousness) needs big quantities of OJAS and TEJAS energy. The TEJAS energy is that energy which produces the halo around the saints' head. The OJAS energy is that energy which confers an extraordinary vigor, power and virility"
“According to Yogic science, semen exists in a subtle form throughout the whole body. It is found in a subtle state in all the cells of the body. It is withdrawn and elaborated into a gross form in the sexual organ under the influence of the sexual will and sexual excitement. An Oordhvareta Yogi not only converts the semen into Ojas, but checks through his Yogic power, through purity in thought, word and deed, the very formation of semen by the secretary cells of the testes or seeds. This is a great secret.”
- Sivananda, Practice of Brahmacharya
Sivananda, still doing damage to demons from the grave
Too-frequent ejaculation was thought to weaken men. In the 2nd century AD, the medical writer Galen explains semen as a concoction of blood (conceived of as a humor) and pneuma (the "vital air" required by organs to function) formed within the man's coiled spermatic vessels, with the humor turning white through heat as it enters into the testicles. In his treatise On Semen, Galen warns that immoderate sexual activity results in a loss of pneuma and hence vitality:
It is not at all surprising that those who are less moderate sexually turn out to be weaker, since the whole body loses the purest part of both substances, and there is besides an accession of pleasure, which by itself is enough to dissolve the vital tone, so that before now some persons have died from excess of pleasure.
The uncontrolled dispersing of pneuma in semen could lead to loss of physical vigor, mental acuity, masculinity, and a strong manly voice, a complaint registered also in the Priapea. Sexual activity was thought particularly to affect the voice: singers and actors might be infibulated to preserve their voices. Quintilian advises that the orator who wished to cultivate a deep masculine voice for court should abstain from sexual relations.
Masturbation was a longstanding if infrequent theme in Latin satire; one of the few surviving fragments of Lucilius, Rome's earliest satirist, jokes about a personified penis (Mutto) whose girlfriend Laeva ("Lefty") wipes away his "tears". (LOL)
You bout to get them cheeks clapped! Homosexuality was common amongst gladiators
In order to have their carnal needs met, gladiators often formed sexual bonds with one another – sometimes even romantic. This was done openly and without shame.
In fact – sexual acts between two men were often seen as signs of masculinity. According to the website, Ancient Origins, men were inculcated to take the “top” position to prove their manhood.
Failure to do so could result in a loss of family stature. For these ancient male fighters, oral and anal interaction was considered the ultimate bonding experience. In fact, taking in the seed of another gladiator was the equivalent of drinking Jupiter’s ambrosia.
It is worth noting that it wasn’t until 390 AD that homosexuality became outlawed, thanks to Christian emperors. But prior to this time period, the term “homosexual” didn’t exist.
The Romans preferred the left hand for masturbation. A graffito from Pompeii reads "when my worries oppress my body, with my left hand I release my pent-up fluids".
The etymology of the Latin verb masturbari is vexed. Calvert Watkins proposed that it derives from a Proto-Indo-European root meaning "marrow, brain", since ancient medical writers believed that semen descended from the brain through the bones; if this is correct, the word turbare may still have influenced the formation in Latin.
Even the ebb and flow of the Nile was thought to be caused by Atum's (the god of creation) ejaculation. This concept spurred the Egyptian pharaohs to ritually masturbate into the Nile to ensure an abundance of water."
The ancient Egyptians were so inspired by the act of self-stimulation that at the festival of the god Min, who represented Pharaoh's sexual potency, men masturbated in public.
Angry birds?
Like in ancient Babylon, prostitution was seen as a divine and respectable act done for the gods. Prostitutes were afforded a relatively high social status in ancient Egypt, especially if we compare it to prostitution of today, which is, in many nations, is illegal and relegated to clandestine affairs done behind closed doors. Although nasty hoes are on the rise. Ancient Egyptian prostitutes, however, were able to work openly and freely and would tattoo themselves and wear red lipstick and other makeup to signify and differentiate themselves from non-prostitutes.
(important to note is the difference between the exoteric and the esoteric beliefs. The public believed one thing often but the high priests knew another)
Sambia people
Underlying the ritual rites of passage (becoming a man) is an idea that women are dangerous to men. To become a man, a boy must detach himself from his mother and other women to prove and show that they can live without them. This begins with the boys being removed from their mothers as seven-year-olds.
The Sambia believe that jurungdu is concentrated in semen. Several stages of the rituals of masculinization require that the boys consume semen, during ritualized homosexual acts. By ingesting semen, the boys obtained the necessary masculine spirit to become men. The youngest participants in the masculinization rituals receive semen. As they progress through the rituals, they become donors of semen to younger participants.
Qigong and Chinese medicine have a special place for semen. They believe in a form of energy called pinyin. It is believed to be “essence” that a person attempts to accumulate in life.
"Jing" is sexual energy and this reduces each time a person has an ejaculation and is thus called an "energy suicide". The Qigong theory suggests that there are many pathways that transfer the energy into the sexual organs and an ejaculation leads to loss of this energy.
The earliest records of Qigong come from the jin wen (writings on bronzes) from the Zhou dynasty (ca. 1100 —221 BC).
Masturbation is considered "energy suicide" amongst those who practice this art. According to Qigong theory, energy from many pathways/meridians becomes diverted and transfers itself to the sexual organs during sexual excitement. The ensuing orgasm and ejaculation will then finally expel the energy from the system completely. The Chinese proverb 一滴精,十滴血 (pinyin: yì dī jīng, shí dī xuè, literally: a drop of semen is equal to ten drops of blood) illustrates this point.
The Picts
Charging butt naked into battle crushing their enemies? You better believe son
Some 2,000 years ago, Scotland was home to a group of people known as the Picts. To the Romans who controlled much of Britain at the time, they were but mere savages, men who fought completely naked, armed with little more than a spear. But the Picts were fearsome warriors who practiced semen retention.
Every time the Roman Empire tried to move into their territory, the Picts successfully fought back. The Roman legions were the greatest military force the world had ever seen and the only people they couldn’t conquer were this wild clan.
When the Romans invaded Britain, they were accustomed to winning. They had conquered every powerful civilization they had yet come into contact with and destroyed any armed opposition with a flash of armor and steel that knew no equal. But they had never faced an enemy like the Picts.
“Our infantry,” Julius Caesar wrote, “were but poorly fitted for an enemy of this kind.” Indeed, when the Romans took over a Pict village, the clans would move on to another one and prepare to strike back.
Many Taoist practitioners link the loss of ejaculatory fluids to the loss of vital life force: where excessive fluid loss results in premature aging, disease, and general fatigue. While some Taoists contend that one should never ejaculate, others provide a specific formula to determine the maximum amount of regular ejaculations in order to maintain health.
The general idea is to limit the loss of fluids as much as possible to the level of your desired practice. As these sexual practices were passed down over the centuries, some practitioners have given less importance to the limiting of ejaculation. Nevertheless, the "retention of the semen" is one of the foundational tenets of Taoist sexual practice.
There are different methods to control ejaculation prescribed by the Taoists. In order to avoid ejaculation, the man could do one of several things. He could pull out immediately before orgasm, a method also more recently termed as "coitus conservatus." A second method involved the man applying pressure on the perineum, thus retaining the sperm. While if done incorrectly this can cause retrograde ejaculation, the Taoists believed that the jing traveled up into the head and "nourished the brain."
In what are known as the Three Treasures we find Taoism's most general description of the energy manifesting as a human bodymind. What are these Three Treasures? They are: (1) Jing = reproductive energy; (2) Qi = life-force energy; and (3) Shen = spiritual energy. Sexual energy, in relation to this model, belongs to the category of Jing – reproductive or creative energy. Though Jing is rooted in the reproductive organs, its home is in the lower Dantian – a subtle-body “space” located in the lower abdomen.
Witchcraft and random ancients
The ancient Sumerians believed that semen was "a divine substance, endowed on humanity by Enki", the god of water. The semen of a god was believed to have magical generative powers. In Sumerian mythology, when Enki's seed was planted in the ground, it caused the spontaneous growth of eight previously-nonexistent plants. Enki was believed to have created the Tigris and Euphrates rivers by masturbating and ejaculating into their empty riverbeds. The Sumerians believed that rain was the semen of the sky-god An, which fell from the heavens to inseminate his consort, the earth-goddess Ki, causing her to give birth to all the plants of the earth.
Men can make use of their sexual fluids in love spells. Josh Geller gave this simple formula for an orgasmic spell utilizing semen:
Masturbate to orgasm and preserve the resultant fluids. You should be concentrating on your desired result at the point of orgasm. Take some of the resultant fluids and insinuate a bit of them into the food or drink of your prospective victim.
For every man who uses his semen to attract a woman, however, there are probably a hundred women who capture a man's semen to rule and control him or to keep him faithful. The most popular way to do this in hoodoo is by making a knot-spell on the man and keeping it tied up in a nation sack. For this purpose, the semen can be fresh or gathered from a discarded condom -- or even stored in the freezer until needed. Most of the rootworkers who have told me about how to capture semen have noted that it is important that the woman not have an orgasm when capturing semen, because then she might get "mixed up in the spell," and fall victim to her own conjurations. "Hold yourself aloof," was how one woman put it to me. "Don't let yourself get mixed into it when you collect his stuff."
No two tissues in the body show greater similarity in their lecithin, colesterin and phosphorous contents than the brain and semen. Semen has proportionally more fructose, citric acid, semenine and prostaglandins than any other tissue in the body. It is also richer than most any other tissue in zinc, ascorbic acid, inositol, glyceryl, phosphory-choline and free amino acids. It has 33 times the neutral amino acids, 28 times the acidic amino acids and 57 times the basic amino acids as the blood. Women may absorb body chemicals from male semen other than prostaglandins to enrich their body chemistry and health.
In ancient Egyptian mythos – one of my favourite – Seth is depicted as trying to prove his dominance by seducing Horus and then having intercourse with him. However, Horus places his hand between his thighs and catches Set’s semen, then subsequently throws it in the river, so that he may not be said to have been inseminated by Seth. Horus then deliberately spreads his own semen on some lettuce, which was Set’s favorite food. After Seth had eaten the lettuce, they went to the gods to try to settle the argument over the rule of Egypt.
Aside from swallowing semen as a measure to prevent the waste and spillage of seed, ingesting ejaculate can have spiritual benefits, as we will see. Although the Old Testament makes reference to the bitterness of semen: “And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water. [Numbers 5:24]), the New Testament casts the act of consuming ejaculate in a much more affirming light, as in the following passage, where Jesus speaks to the woman of Samaria about the gift of “living water”: Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, “Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.”
Modern coomer sects (2000-onwards)
Depiction of the Coomer Lord, a High Priest of the Coom, known in some sects as the Coom Bringer, circka 2047, found in the ruins of New York
Many modern sects believe that even with 10 millions stories, examples, scientific studies on the substance of semen and confirmations there is no correlation between semen and your life improving in every way. They worship a God called Retardo and cum on his statue every day while coming to Reddit afterwards.
Next post.
submitted by RebornInLife to Semenretention [link] [comments]

2020.08.24 19:00 bi-ginnerinthecity How to gain more experience after a dodgy start...

Hi everyone [38F Bi], I had a couple of experiences recently with men who are (according to them) more experienced in kink than me, and I’m wondering what’s the best way to gain more experience without encountering judgement, or aggression from a more experienced partner? Maybe I just picked the wrong people.
I’m not that experienced with kink but I am definitely eager to explore and learn more. I’m not sure where I fall on the bdsm scale yet....I don’t like being shamed, embarrassed or told what to do, but I love being held down, biting, hair pulling. I fantasise about face-sitting but more from the oral sex aspect rather than smothering my partner. Im interested in rope play.
Soooo recently I had a one night stand with a man who used a vibrator on me without asking/telling me first - and had asked me to close my eyes, so I couldnt see what he was doing at first. I thought it was going to be tickling or something, not insertion. I tried to communicate my discomfort a couple of times, but then I just went along with it as I didnt want to spoil the mood. But I was uncomfortable and asked him to stop after a few minutes, and he did.
We had been on one date prior to this, a week beforehand, we met in a park and ended up making out for a couple of hours. We stopped because he tried to get me to give him a handjob a couple of times (in public) and had started to unbuckle his pants a couple of times but I wasnt up for that. During this first date he mentioned that he is kinky and liked using vibrators. But he didnt say that he planned to use them on me if we met up again for sex.
I actually hadn’t used a vibrator before. I masturbate often but it just hasn’t been my thing to date. He also made a big (patronising) deal of this....
Our second date was basically a one night stand. At first we were chatting on his sofa, and so far he hadnt mentioned what he would or would not like to do with me. I was feeling a bit anxious and kind of blurted out that i wasn’t up for doing anal. Since i didn’t know him that well and he had been kind of pushy on our first date, I felt I needed to let him know my hard limit.
A couple of hours later in the bedroom, he unveiled a large hidden mirror, that opened up with mirror panels which would reflect us from various angles. He wanted to have sex in front it - but I burst out (nervous) laughing and said I didnt want to see myself during sex. He closed it up and looked very disappointed...Again the first time I knew about the mirror was in the middle of our session. I wish I hadn’t laughed, but also...isn’t sex pretty fucking ridiculous sometimes... and I needed a laugh to be honest...
We had sex four times in about three hours, apart drom the vibrator / mirror awkwardness it was mostly nice, until during a quiet moment when I closed my eyes, he made comments about me not falling asleep, i.e basically hinting that I should get up and leave now. I Ieft feeling cold and used. A couple of days later he wrote, “the sex was good but I don’t see a future with us” because I was “not at his level”. I told him he should do some reading on consent, because of what happened with the vibrator, and he agreed.
I felt that he should have asked me in the beginning what I was ok with so that I would know what might come up during our first time sleeping together time (is that too much to ask??). He said using a vibrator was pretty basic stuff, which yes, but not as a surprise with someone you’re sleeping with for the first time?
The mirrovibrator etc are things I would probably enjoy with a partner that I know better but not as surprises on a one night stand.
The other incident was a couple of weeks later, I responded to a guy (on a regular dating app), even though his profile was pretty hardcore - it said “anal only, consensual non consent, sadistic top, bull”.
He was showering me with compliments, and I brought up my lack of experience. He offered to “introduce” me to things. I consider myself ggg (if not in a “surprise!??” situation) and felt curious about him so agreed to meet. He told me to, “Wear a dress, and no bra.” I didn’t say I would.
I was 15 mins late and he had left by the time I arrived.
I message him, and he accuses me of lying that I’m actually there, but then says he’s coming back, “you better be there woman”, he writes. I should have run away then. He lived nearby, so in a few minutes he walks up: I start apologising for being late and he cuts me off, accuses me of “fucking with him” and shouts at me to fuck off. He walks away, thankfully.
I get a string of messages from him then about how I didnt wear the dress I was supposed to and that I “dont understand anything.”
I didn’t agree to be his sub or do what he says, I just agreed to meet up for a drink.
Fyi on this day it was over 30 C degrees (90F?) of oppressive baking hot city heat, I was going to wear whatever the fuck I wanted.
I contacted the dating app support to ask that they block him from seeing my account, as he had unmatched me. They answered that they would be shutting his account, so since then I have been afraid of him retaliating. Thankfully I hadnt given him my number or too many details.
I feel like these two guys are not good examples of the kink community?? Or was I in the wrong here? I am naive, I know. And reading back over my experiences i think low self esteem on my side played a part in both these situations, where there were red flags that i ignored.
Apart from that, I‘m wondering how - as an eager beginner - i can navigate gaining more kink experience without running into situations like these? Are there nice people out there??
Ps will be visiting my local friendly feminist sex shop this week to buy myself some nice rope and yes, a vibrator lol and attend some of the kink workshops they’re offering online.
submitted by bi-ginnerinthecity to BDSMAdvice [link] [comments]

2020.08.17 14:39 user30112015 Shower hidden masturbation

This is my first post in this group. I tried posting this in polyamory, but it probably got filtered as spam. New account, long post, seems fishy. Since I didn't create this account for this subreddit, I changed my display name to start with ThrowRA, idk if that helps. Please forgive if I missed rules that aren't explicitly written down. I didn't want to post this on reddit first, because my partner might accidentally stumble across it, but I heard the reddit community gives great advice and I'm trying to act responsible and with as much care as possible now, so any additional insight is helping.
TL;DR: I cheated on my partner without a condom in the middle of a pandemic and told them at the possible worst time. I truly regret breaking the rules, endangering people, and hurting my partner even more by how I handled the aftermath so far. I am seeking general advice following these events and specific advise regarding questions asked at the end of this post.
Update after therapy:
I deleted all the unnecessary information, although I am sure that at this point in time, the post was still stuck as spam, so nobody actually read it. I have also seen my therapist since I initially wrote this and gained some valuable insight. I heard from K as well, telling me when they would return and insisting on keeping distance until I'm proven to not have covid. I initially planning on doing both covid tests, the PCR test to decide if it is safe enough to stay at our flat and the anti-body test as an additional failsafe. I did originally planned to talk to K when they returned, given a negative PCR result, but I am going to respect their wishes and stay away until the end of the month to wait for the antibody test results.
I have to accept what happened. I have been abstinent for a long time and was swept away by what happened. Yes, my denial of my needs, telling myself to wait instead of opening up, was a bad idea. If I had accepted that before I might have been prepared. But it happened. Two consenting adults gave in to their desires. Yes, it was irresponsible. It would have been in general, but even more so during a pandemic - but the only thing I can do now is to take responsibility. I will do both tests for covid, now and at the end of the month, and I will do any std test I have access to. I am sorry for hurting K with my actions. I won't defend or down play what happened, but I accept that it did. I realize that being desperate and miserable, calling myself an asshole, the worst of the worst, and what ever else I might have thought and said, isn't going to help K or me. I made a mistake, I hurt the person I love. Now I can only be confident in who I really am, and that is not someone who cannot be trusted at all, whom you have to be afraid of cheating every possible time. Different circumstances lead to these events, and I learned enough from them to do better in the future. So going forward I won't drown in sorrow and guilt - instead I will stay strong and use my honest regret to deal with the future. I am taking responsibility with the tests, I will keep my distance until it is safe to talk, and I will continue to try to be or become the best version of myself.
Original, in parts:
[Some backstory can be found here. I deleted a lot of the original text (how we met, how our relationship developed, some struggles we overcame, some that still persisted, etc.) - I basically only left the paragraph about the polyamory and my stupid fixation on waiting.]
K and I went through tough times in our relationship, but with therapy going well, visible progress and us being hopeful we were looking into a promising future. We had plans to marry (more precisely go into an official legal relationship), partly because of visa related issues, but also because we wanted it, because we loved each other and were actively working on our future. There were a few setbacks and occasions that shook the relationship harder than others, but we were honest to each other and made it through or were certain that we will make it through. I have always been honest with K, but I wasn't honest to myself concerning my stupidity. So this was the one thing at this point in time that troubled me/us, everything else looked like we were going to manage.
A week ago, K was preparing for a holiday trip with their boss' family, who is sth like their second family. It was to be in a private car to a private home in a country that had very low case numbers, so there was nothing wrong with it, especially because K spent time with this family on a regular basis anyways. I was preparing for a camping trip with friends inside the country, lots of open air, not being in a closed room with other people, in an area that had the lowest population density of all of my country and no corona cases, so also as safe as a vacation can be in these times. We were looking forward to it. Before I left, and probably still afterwards, K was (re)organizing our flat, storing things that were in the way or not in a designated place, etc. - it is something they occasionally do when they try to distract them-self from sth they have to do. A very handy way of procrastinating. I helped with a few things like setting up a new couch table, but honestly K did most of the work. It was great. K felt great. I felt great. With that motivational spirit still lingering in the air, I decided to finally fix all the things that I said I would fix, but never got to for different reasons (being a lazy dick was one of them). K would leave a few days after me and I would return before them. A perfect opportunity to make the place, that was already feeling like a new - more enjoyable and happy - place, an even better place to return to. The usual "coming home from vacation" sadness would turn to coming home to feel like you're at vacation. It was a hopeful time and wonderful time.
Then I went on my camping trip. It was with a friend group I only see a few times a year max, most of the past years just once on vacation. This is a more diverse group of student friends, not my usual poly- and sex-positive friend group. On the first day we did normal camping stuff, helping each other put up our tents, preparing food together, checking out the immediate surroundings. I started the second day by trying to masturbate to porn on my phone, alone in my tent, but eventually switched to using my imagination because of the slow internet connection. I managed to wait for a few pics to load, & then just thought it further in my head. The rest of the day I spent reading at the river. That night, while we were sitting at the fire, another batch of friends arrived, including someone "new". I didn't really look up from my book for too long, but they looked vaguely familiar, since we probably shared a few courses at university together years ago, but I haven't really interacted with them back them. They also weren't part of the previous vacations with that group. I said hi, and then kept reading. Later when I put my book away, I realized that this person reminded me a little bit of K at least in the bad light of a small camp fire. I didn't think much of that and later went to sleep. The next morning, I tried to masturbate again, but due to the weather changing, the reception was even worse. So I used my imagination again. This time, not having any sort of template, I thought about the person I met for the "first time" last night. I am not proud of it, but I sometimes do that thinking of people I know, and it is easier if I don't know them well. Or if I know them very well, like K. When K and I were apart for some time, I used to look at pictures of us and then do it. I asked them once if that was okay, and K didn't mind - once they even sent me pics we had taken before to help me out. But they were on my laptop that I didn't bring with me. So it was easier to think of someone that I just have recently seen. So I did. It involved a camping chair and I even chuckled because it was unrealistic that a cheap camping chair would be stable enough. There were no hidden intentions or desires, I just wanted to finish masturbating before the temperature inside reached 40°C. After finishing I got up, showered, ate breakfast with the others. During the light of day I realized how little the new person actually resembled K, it was just the bad light and some vaguely similar features. I didn't think anymore about them, it was just a way to get off quickly while my tent started to heat up in the sun and I just wanted to be done. So I went back to my reading at the river and didn't think about it again. Then it started raining, a lot. We had a single plastic sheet spanned from a tree to some sticks to protect some stuff from the rain and used the biggest tent to wait in until it to stopped. A few of us moved a little bit closer and rubbed our backs (we called it "penguining") to warm ourselves, but other than that there was basically no previous physical interaction with any of my friends or the new person, no indication on what was about to happen. As to be expected from this friend group - we weren't that close after all. After some time I went for a smoke outside and sat down on the only remaining chair under the plastic sheet. The new person came out shortly after. I asked if they wanted to sit down, and they sat on my lap. Not thinking about the implications, I rubbed the persons legs for warmth, like we rubbed our backs previously in the tent. We were wet from the rain and everyone felt like freezing. And then it happened. I don't remember much of the details. They returned the rubbing, but it wasn't an innocent "I keep you warm" anymore. I was perplexed. They turned around and we started kissing. I lost my mind. It was unreal, it was unexpected. And I didn't say no. It was sudden and passionate, something I haven't felt in a long time and I was swept away by it. It was the middle of the fucking pandemic, and I didn't say no. I was weary of sharing pots directly after someone ate out of them, but I didn't say anything to exchanging germs in mouth to mouth action. I always turned down my poly friends who wanted to get intimate, telling them they have to wait, that I want to wait. But this stranger got no resistance. I am ashamed to admit it, but I enjoyed it. I haven't experienced anything like that in a long time. We ended up in their tent and when I said I had no condom and talked about our status. I don't know why I thought that would be acceptable. I didn't think at all. We had rules, but in this moment, I didn't think about anything. To quote K in the aftermath "you didn't care about me at all, you just wanted to get your dick wet". They were right. I didn't. I didn't think about anything. My therapist assumes that subconsciously I might have been afraid that if I got up to grab a condom from a friend in the big tent I would have become rational again, stopping the whole thing. And that I wanted it to happen. I let it happen.
(I left this original paragraph in the post as contrast to the update) I promised K that I would never cheat on them. That I would respect the rules. I didn't. Not in this moment. Yeah, I might have been taken by surprise and passion, but nothing, nothing excuses what I did. I should be capable of saying no, in general. And I should be capable to use protection, insist on protection, no matter how sudden the moment and no matter the mental state. After it happened I was terrified. I realized what I had done, what it would do to K and our relationship. I spent the rest of the night and half of the next day thinking about how to tell K. My first impulse was to just say it right away. I wanted to be honest and that involved not waiting. I tried to think about what is best for K, they were on vacation after all. Would it be better to talk in person? But how would I feel if it happened days ago and my partner would just act as if nothing happened in the meantime? I was getting desperate. Old habits from my teenager days tried to reemerge - telling me to not say anything. Why hurt them? You don't plan on doing it again, do you? Tell them only half of the story! And similar demons on my shoulder. I promised myself back then (in my teenager days) to never act like that again, to always be honest, so I shook away the voices from my past and started writing a text (K prefered texts, altough in hindsight it was probably an asshole way of communicating it). It took me hours. Writing something only to shortly after delete it again. I eventually decided to just tell K about me having been intimate with someone. I would talk to them about the details in person, or at least after their vacation. It was a compromise between wanting to be honest as soon as possible, and not wanting to ruin their vacation. I also apologized about telling them over the phone. Apologizing that I could only tell them after the fact, and that I tell them when we're apart not really being able to talk. I also told them that I was reachable via phone if they wanted to talk in voice or that we can also talk when we're both back, if they preferred that. I don't know what I expected. Ofc their first question was if I used protection. If I at least followed the second rule after I already broke the first one. And they also told me that they would have preferred to be told after their vacation, since they didn't have any of their friends or coping mechanisms around them to deal with their emotions. How could I oversee this? How could I be that stupid? I was at camping grounds with friends. Not my best friends, but still - I had people to talk to. And I wasn't the victim here. I felt terrible for K. I thought I was being thoughtful, spending hours thinking about what would be the best way, the way to keep the damage to K's heart and to our relationship as small as possible. But in the end I was just stupid. I didn't think of the most important thing when giving someone a message of pain. Do they have someone to talk to? Can they help themselves somehow to cope with what they are going to hear? Why didn't I? I just cheated on my partner, and I hurt them even more by being an ignorant and selfish piece of shit. Maybe I was excited to stick true to my honesty, that I didn't give in to voices from my teens. It doesn't matter, I didn't think of K as much as I should have, and I hurt them even more in the process. This realisation made me freak out, I didn't know how to go forward now. I spent so much time thinking, but I just thought about the wrong things. Maybe K was right, and I just thought about myself in the end. I want to believe that I had the best intentions for K, that I wanted the way of telling them to be the least painful. But after I saw what damage I had done, I started to doubt. I apologized, told them that I first thought about their vacation and that it would have been better to tell them afterwards. But I also told them that I didn't consider the fact that they didn't have any means of dealing with this kind of feeling around them. No friends, no real privacy. No other means that they would usually go to when they need to process terrible news and feelings. I didn't know what to do now. I fucked up everything even more after I fucked everything up terribly by cheating, without protection, in the middle of a pandemic. I didn't answer the question about protection immediately. They just told me they had nothing to help them deal. And the missing protection is the worst part. This was the betrayal. We talked about giving notice in hindsight being okay in special situations, when talking about K's ex. But protection? That was a rule that must not be broken. K could forgive breaking the first rule, but this? I didn't plan on not telling at all. Hell no, ofc I was going to tell them. But I was reluctant to do so in this very moment. But telling them in person was no longer an option, they already asked. I was short breathed, I got dizzy - didn't know what to do. But giving no answer was an answer. So K assumed the answer was no. And I affirmed them. I apologized, tried to explain. But there is nothing to explain this. I betrayed them. I broke both rules. I endangered K, our relationship, the other person, and myself. K had enough. This wasn't bearable. Their heart was broken, the whole relationship a lie. I can't possible imagine what they felt and still feel like, but every reaction was understandable. Confusion, anger, desperation, hate - towards me and then towards them-self. And so much more. I tried to explain, talks sense into something that didn't make sense. I kept apologizing, not because I thought it would help, that it would somehow make anything better - I just didn't know how else to express my regret in text. I told them I was going to get tested, to get the other person tested. I talked about my stupidty mentioned before, how I could have maybe avoided this by just being honest to myself - but that was just me subconsciously trying to defend myself? Idk. It didn't matter what happened before, how I felt. Nothing else mattered. I had to wear protection and I didn't. Nothing excuses and nothing explains this. Nothing of the walls of text I wrote before had anything to do with me cheating. I should have been in control, I should have cared about K, I should have stopped this, but I didn't. I realized that eventually. But I kept explaining before that. And also tried to tell K that I don't think that my betrayal, this heartbreak, would invalidate everything else that happened before. What was I thinking. Ofc the cheater wants to preserve the relationship, wants to be hopeful. But I just destroyed K's world. What did I expect? K was shattered, and nothing I could have said would have changed that. I realized that. But I kept on texting. I thought it would make K feel like me not caring, just going back to me having fun - potentially continuing "raw doggng my new partner", how K phrased it - if I just stopped responding or reading. I couldn't stop texting. Just like I wouldn't be able to walk away if this happened in person. I definitely made things worse this way. We texted for the rest of the day. A few times K asked how they are supposed to forgive me, what I intent to do about this. If I expected them to come up with a redemption plan for me like they had to come up with ideas and plans so often. How I shifted responsibility to them so often. Like saying "WE need to do this" was basically just saying I might but actually I want you to do this thing. Instead of just doing the thing. I tried to explain that I planned on being the best version of myself, that I would get tested, that I would do the shit I said I would do, that I already talked to my therapist asking for more frequent sessions. That couples counseling might help us communicate. That I could go to my mom's house if K needed space and time apart. Everything that came to my mind in this short time. At other times I did nothing but stare at my blank phone, waiting for a new message. Insults, self hate, desperation. I didn't matter what it was, I wanted to be there and read it, potentially reply if "helpful" (as I said before, it wasn't but I did anyways). I wanted K to know that I cared. That I didn't want to leave them alone. But ofc it didn't help. They were in shock, they were full of all negative emotions you can possible imagine. They had a knife in their back, and all I did was keep turning it. Eventually K told me they think it would be best to not talk to me anymore, so they could maybe enjoy the rest of their vacation. I honored their wishes and didn't reply. They eventually blocked me on social media, but this is only understandable. I didn't post or like or do anything, because I didn't want to show up in their feed and remind them, but blocking was the better way to handle it.
All I did in the past two days was read up on support sites for couples in similar situations, how to deal with it, how to show remorse. But most of the advice for the cheater were quite general. Forgive yourself, how can your partner forgive you when you keep blaming yourself, bringing up your betrayal, reminding them and reaffirming them in their believes. Yeah, easy - sure. I just fucking broke the heart of the love of my life, and I am supposed to stay confident, to forgive myself? Maybe I could forgive the fact that I had sex with someone - but not breaking the rules, not twisting the knife by handling the communication in the probably worst way. The other advices were things like, if you don't plan to do it again, don't tell. Avoid hurting your partner. It was too late for that, but I wouldn't have done that anyways. Honesty was the only thing I could rely on. The only thing that I could sell myself for. Another advice was basically a no brainer - breaking of all contact with the other person. Ofc I am going to do that. I would have never seen that person again anyways (except for the tests). There was no feelings involved no deeper interest. It was too human beings giving in to their desires. Nothing more. They know that, I know that. I am going to meet them one last time to get us both tested, but after that I won't see them again. Not even at uni, because I am basically done with my courses requiring attendance at that particular faculty. An the last thing was couples counselling, I already mentioned it before, and I think it could help. I don't think it will magically fix everything, but it might help us communicate, and if there is any chance that this relationship is savable, couples therapy will increase that chance. I will ofc also talk with my therapist today in our additional session, especially about things that were too private to post here, but please give me anything you can. Any insights if you've been cheated on before, any experiences if you've cheated before.
(Questions that lost importance due to my therapy session and new events)
Should I be home when K returns? Should I ask them about it? Should I ask when they will be home in the first place? They asked me to not text them, but I also don't want be there if they don't want to see me or not be there when they actually needed me. I thought about texting them via SMS, this way, if they haven't turned on roaming, they would only receive the message when entering the country again - so basically on the day of their return.
What should I do if I don't hear from them at all? If they don't come back by the end of the week?
How can I show that I am remorseful. The online sources told me not to be miserable, to be confident and hopeful for the future. To be the best version of myself. Do good things, be positive. But doesn't that look like I am not affected? That I don't care? I do care. I love K. And I am so ashamed of what happened, of how I handled it. How I hurt them. I haven't eaten in days. I am short breathed when I think about what I have done. I can only think about this. The damage I have done. The future, we were looking forward to, that I destroyed. How can I be positive and remorseful at the same time? Yes, I do believe that we can overcome this, that this doesn't erase our past and everything good in it. But I am not the victim. I am not bleeding from being stabbed in the back. How can I do this?
Should I just give them the maximum space possible? Should I just do the things in our flat, that I planned to do before we left, then leave? (Feeding the cat ofc). Should I let them come home to a nice, but empty flat? Should I leave a message? Should I leave a letter? Or should I just remove myself and wait for them to tell me it is okay to talk again? (Wouldn't that be placing the responsibility on them again?)
(Only original question that is still relevant - and ofc general thoughts and insights are welcome)
How should I interact when we see each other again? My first impulse would be a hug, apologizing, showing my feelings face to face. But K said they are disgusted by me, that they never want to even touch me again. How could I then? But if I don't, doesn't look like I don't care? Wouldn't it be me not being positive? I love them, and I want to show that. I am remorseful, I am ashamed, I do regret. But I also don't want to invade their boundaries. I want them to have space, so should I just keep distance, saying what I think and feel, not showing it physically?
Dear community, I know that I betrayed my partner. That I broke the trust and their heart. That I handled anything following that in the worst possible way. But I want to do better. Not just to possibly safe our relationship, but also to minimize any more harm to the person I love. To my best friend. And the person who I could imagine spending the rest of my life with, before I threw it away. Please help me, please help K.
submitted by user30112015 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]

2020.08.02 22:55 Celliers92 Shower masturbation hidden

Hello. I've been reading this sub for about a year and a half with the intention of writing something on here and now I am finally doing it. I was a kissless, loveless virgin until the first week of January when I was 27 years old. I'm now 28. I'm going to explain how that all happened and hopefully someone will find some sort of comfort in what I say. I certainly feel more comforted that there are a lot of people who have experienced the same thing.

I come from a small town in a mostly post industrial part of the UK, it's kind of semi-rural here but there is a city of 250K plus people about ten miles away. I'm relatively speaking middle class and lived in a middle class part of the nearby city until I was about 7 or 8 when my parents moved us out to this smaller town. I was pretty happy child going to primary school with other genteel and well behaved kids from stable families until I was 11 when I went to secondary school. Where on the first day I encountered what I know realised caused me to become a loveless older virgin.
You see I have red hair. And in Britain for some reason the ludicrous phenomenom of ridicule and harassment exists against people with red hair ( which not everyone subsribes to thankfully ). I only may have had a hint of the existence of this stupid prejudice before I went to secondary school but after the first day in secondary school I was left in no doubt that if you have red hair you were hideously ugly and less than everyone else. For five years I was constanly had the word "ginger" screamed and shouted with venom at me and I was called names "ginger prick" and "fucking ginger bastard". This was quite a cold shower after how nice primary school was. I remember in that first year of school coming home and going up to my bed to cry under my blanket after I got off the bus and in the door. I also rememebr sitting on my knees infront of my closet mirror and trying to pull my hair out. The kids who called me names were a lot more rough and violent than I ever was and it was really quite scary. I didn't do very well academically in school and in fact I had a hidden learning disability which was only diagnosed years after school ( which was another huge problem in my life that made me depressed but is a different topic). As a result I was often thrown into the classes for the low achievers with kids who were the same rough and violent kids that already mentioned. There were times in these classes where the situation for the teacher was more like riot control and kids would come up to me and just punch me in the head or throw coins at me which was extremely painful. When you become a target for bullies your self esteem is affected and your head goes down, you then become even more of a target and are attacked physically or verbally and the reason you are being bullied in the first place is not even being mentioned. There were ocassions where I was humiliated and I think the slur "ginger" never came up. I remember a hot day when I was walking to my tutor class the end of lunch and bunch of girls who were younger and much smaller than I was threw warm water they had poured into a plastic bottle from a tap in the bathrooms all over my head. They didn't need to give a reason I probably just looked like a loser to them. I went and told my tutor but he did nothing. That was basically the approach of the school to bullying, so I could never make it stop. However I wasn't completely lost and I did have a lot of friends. Around the age of 16 the bullies all left my school year because frankly speaking their grades were too shit to continue in school and therefore the bullying basically stopped. There were times when I was outside school when I would hear people make "jokes" about people with red hair, for example I was shouted by someone when I was sitting next to my mother in the car. I especially remember twice hearing jokes directed at red hair on two different comedy programs on the BBC. In isolation that's not important but it all fed into a viceral self image I had that having red hair was ugly and that was the lowest thing on the scale of what men and women found attractive. And that it wasn't just a few horrible kids in school who thought that way but the rest of the society. I believe the academic who came up with the term "loveshy" did a study where he found out that 96% or something of men who are loveshy have been regularly bullied in school!
So why is all of the above important? After all this essay is about virginity and not red hair right?
Well I suggest and I am sure many of you will recognise that there is a period in your life,in your adolescence where if you are hetrosexual you begin having desires to and take action to have relations with the opposite sex. Let's call it "the window". The window takes place probably between 14 and 18 but it could be extended to like age 22. For the vast majority of people the window doesn't need to ever be thought about because they simply have that first relationship and lose virginity around about the right time and then don't end with the existential crisis and misery that comes with prolonged virginity. However if your like me and you grow up through puberty thinking your ugly then your never going to make a move with the opposite sex. In fact I never saw any girl in my school go out with a red haired guy and I think they would have been ridiculed if they did so. Most of my friends in school managed to get girlfriends I just watch from the side secretly worried. I wasn't going to ask anyone out because I was convinced that I was ugly. At this age if you don't begin your first relationship and with the opposite sex and learn the skills and get the confidence boost that comes with that then the whole area of relationships becomes like a different country with a culture and language you don't understand, your like a tourist gazing in. I also at this point began to experience the fear that people would find out I had never had a girlfriend and that was something I didn't want anybody to know.
At age 18 I left my school still a virgin. I didn't much like a lot of the people in my school in fact amongst the people I knew I didn't much like the people that I liked. So I went to a college to study courses again with the view to going to university one day. Once your out of school you have more freedom and I didn't have to hang out with the people I knew before. As I mentioned I was always scared people would know I was a virgin and that contributed me to being a less of an outgoing person this was a big mistake with hindsight. Of course if you don't go out much you won't interact with the opposite sex and you won't lose your virginity so your fear of exposure as a virgin helps perpetuate your anxiety and continue your situation as a virgin! I carried my virginity for years as a dark secret but now I think I was just running away from the problem.
At age 22 I went to university. This should have been the exact time to confront my problem head on because at university you are surrounded by women and many beautiful women at that, but I just continued to stonewall the problem on the inside. I had developed a preference for doing activities on my own. There was nothing I liked better than sitting inside and watching films on my laptop and drinking about 4-6 cans of beer, which was something I did at least twice a week. By now I had kind of forgotten I had been bullied in school in school for my hair colour and actually I wasn't really self conscious about my hair anymore. But all my beer drinking and physicall inactitivy meant I was gaining weight and I was self conscious about that! I was really skinny as a child but now I was nearly 16 and a half stone. I guess fortunately I'm about 6 foot tall which means the weight you gain doesn't show as much. By the way it was only in the last two years that I even discovered that women like taller men and I fit into that standard of about 10% of men in Britain who are 6 foot or above. I don't like mentioning that fact because I sympathise with shorter men and I think prejudice against shorter people is disgusting. But what I said demonstrates that being a later in life virgin, you really have no idea what women's preferences are. It's even said these days that red haired men are quite attractive with the examples of Damian Lewis and Tom Hiddleston being desirable. I don't care about being desirable I just wish I had never been bullied for something I was born with!
Going through my early to mid twenties people begin asking you about your love life. In fact I think people become suspicuous of you if your a man and there is no outward evidence of any romantic life taking place. I look back now and see times where I wasn't invited to parties by friends and people I know when I was in school and in recent years and I do wonder if people avoided inviting me out because it looked like I had never had a girlfriend. But I did say I wasn't very outgoing. I have worked with people in part time jobs and in university classes and seminars and the topic of love came up as I got to know people. People asked me if I had a girlfriend they would sometimes move on to asking me if I was gay. I would wonder if I was myself and I knew some people who suspected I was. In fact I would describe being a virgin past your teenage years as like being in the closet but your not gay. Your always scared of being exposed.
I didn't really move in social circles where I would meet a kind of girl I liked or many girls for that matter. If you had asked me what kind of girl I liked it would be someone who was kind and wasn't as bothered about physical appearence. When I was 25 I met a girl who was dating my best friend at university and I developed feelings for her! Don't worry I never confessed to her. I felt a connection with her not just physically but emotionally. She was really kind not just beautiful. She split up with my friend and we began talking more. I got close to confessing to her but I didn't she even wanted to come stay with me when I was studying abroad in another country and in fact she told me really personal stuff like the things she desired in men and she toutched on sex. Eventually she got back together with my friend. I felt like she may have strung me along and was actually interested in dating me but then her ex showed interest in her again. That whole episode made feel very very very frustrated and not just depressed about my virginity. I think this was the first step along to taking to losing my virginity seriously.
It was around march last year ( when I was 27 ) I somehow came across these two articles

The first article deeply touched me and made me realise even more what a hole I was in. In both articles there were things I recognised amongst the testimonies that had occured in my life. In the first article the man under the pseudonym "Joseph" said "Do take it seriously".
And that is what I began to do.
I began reading other testimonies online and realising I needed to take action and that is how I came across this sub. I also began to lose weight and i'm now just under 15 stone and i've quit alcohol. However I will say I got a bit lucky.
I began talking to a girl who is a friend of a friend who I knew a little bit from when I studied abroad. I thought she was pretty and I learned that she was coming to study in the UK for a year. As we continued talking it seemed to me that she liked me and I managed to ask her if she did and she said she did. If I hadn't come to the realistion that my virginity was a problem by reading subs like this then I probably wouldn't have taking the decision to directly ask her if she liked me so that's a lesson that by simple coming on here and recognising it's a problem for you you may have taken the first step to breaking out of your predicament.
Eventually we met up a couple of times in different party of the UK and she came to stay at my family home when my parents went abroad, we slept in the same bed ( we had already kissed at this point ) and eventually we had sex. Although I did have difficulty performing which is something some of you need to watch out for. Your not supposed to lose it at 27 after frankly speaking, years of masturbating. So it might be difficult to maintain an erection.
Evenutally this COVID shit came along and she had return home in march. But we had sex over ten times and we are still together but I have no idea when I will see her next.
I've been reading this sub for over a year. I've been moved and inspired by what people have had to say. Nobody is less of a person because they are a virgin and the prejudice against people who are is deeplying wrong.
It's hard to give advice on here because I know people are really low and I think it's right be cynical if you end up in this situation. I don't think people should say it doesn't matter if you have never had sex because I did change after I had and I feel like that is kicking virgins who already feel terrible. If it had happened earlier I would have had much less anxiety in my life and I feel much for confident that I could ask someone out in the future because I simply have the first time done now. I didn't go around setting of fire works but a couple of days after I did it the first time I feel a sense of serenity that I had never felt before and I didn't have the little voice in my head nagging me about virginity everyday.
But i'll tell you something: when I got to the crisis point last year after reading those BBC articles I had to have a really look into myself and say "am I really so bad that I can't get one person in the world to love me?" and the answer was "no". You really need to look into yourself and see the positives. And also ask yourself if people have asked you if you have a girlfriend then surely that means they expect you to have had one which means you can't be that phycially unattractive in the first place?! Honestly listen to me : Most of you aren't ugly. I just don't believe that and when I've seen older virgins on youtube who have been brave enough to reveal their faces ( something I won't be doing ) most of them were above average looks.


Anyway I hope that has been easy enought to follow. I'm not the best writer, like I said I have a learning disability that effects writing. I think people who managed to lose it should stick around on this sub to encourage people and i'll try and do some of that. I wanted to get across that the bullying really damaged me during the period when you are supposed to begin pursuing romance.
I give warm greeting to all who read this and wish the best to you wherever you are in the world!
submitted by Celliers92 to virgin [link] [comments]

2020.08.02 06:18 Batsticks Shower hidden masturbation

Watching/Looking at porn videos or lookong fanarts (rule 34) becoming productive and masturbating hobby,seriously it very hard to stop and quit with my addicted of masturbating (jerk off everyday! Day,Noon and Night). It messing up my life. Became I have this sexually frustrated don't why (became wanting sex?). This all started I was 17 started masturbating it was all started normal but 3 years later it became sickness.
It normal masturbating all the time like every, but it seem that it became major problem for me! When came to talking to women's. When looking at them seem myself fantasy sex with them! Fear can't stop talk to them without being a creepy sexual pervert without thinking about sex and parties/events when get near a female with thoughts want to screw heshe and looking at her.
Even at school when seeming at isn't easy. I staring at female teachestaff in their 20s-40s (even their marry or in a relationship) looking at their breasts and ass, and have dreams about playing their tits or having shower sex with them. Worst get a boner in class for no damn reason or why? Try kept it hidden it and try void talking/looking female teachers without thinking being sexual deviant. Without getting bit turn on awakening!
Try everything to stop masturbating for a year or two now. Want have a health relationship with women's without having this sexually frustrated thoughts and behavior need to controls it. Worse became convicted sex offender in future don't want happen to me and wanted do anything! Stop masturbating and need get help over came breaking my sex habits.
Help me or Advice with do to (Felt like a sex freak)
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2020.07.24 16:45 wolf24Jul Shower hidden masturbation

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2020.07.24 16:42 wolf24Jul Shower masturbation hidden

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submitted by wolf24Jul to u/wolf24Jul [link] [comments]

2020.07.22 08:31 Blinker22Julce Shower masturbation hidden

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